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Stim Sell Research
Week of 03/27/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Mitch McConnell offering smelling salts to the U.S. economy in a coffinHouse passes historic $2 trillion stimulus despite objections from GOP lawmaker
–– Like Viagra for eunuch.

Boris Johnson tests positive for coronavirus
–– Have you herd?

Who got special deals in the stimulus and why they got them
–– Rich because rich?

Trump Boosts Virus Aid, Warns Governors to Be 'Appreciative'
–– Expects thank you cards, 'cash wouldn't hurt.'

Trump to Mike Pence: 'Don't call the woman in Michigan,' aka Gov. Gretchen Whitmer
–– Hey, at least he refrained from c-word.

Trump previews new social distancing guidelines based on geographic risks
–– Has placemat with U.S. map, Sharpie at ready.

‘I’d love to have it open by Easter’: Trump says he wants to restart economy by mid-April
–– Like dumb bunny.

Trump wants America reopened by Easter. That could send the US economy into depression
–– For his Peeps.

Pence calls Trump's Easter outlook 'aspirational'
–– Emphasis on 'ass'.

“They Are a Clown Show”: Media Orgs Wrestle With Covering Trump’s Campaign-Rally COVID-19 Briefings
–– With corpses pouring out of hearse.

Right-Wing Media Is All Aboard Trump’s Coronavirus Death Train
–– Texas Lt. Gov. Patrick tooting whistle.

Federal officials repeatedly warned that US hospitals lacked enough ventilators
–– Kinda takes your breath away.

Bill Gates on Trump call for quick end to lockdown: It’s tough to tell people ‘keep going to restaurants, go buy new houses, ignore that pile of bodies over in the corner’
–– Is John Wayne Gacy’s place up for sale?

Bill Gates said the US missed its chance to avoid a coronavirus shutdown and recommended businesses stay closed for 6 to 10 weeks
–– Bill gonna apply for unemployment?

Job Vacancies and Inexperience Mar Federal Response to Coronavirus
–– Vacuum at top.

Coronavirus: Man planning to bomb Missouri hospital killed, FBI says
–– Add lunatic to C-19 death count?

More Telework Also Means More Porn — And That's Good News For Hackers
–– Who can code with one hand.

US cybersecurity firm sees spying surge by Chinese hacking group
–– Of hacking coughers.

Amid COVID-19 Closures, Egypt Sanitizes the Giza Pyramids
–– Afraid geezers might get it.

Don’t Worry, America, Jared Kushner Is Going to Save You From COVID-19
–– Coronavirus: ‘Mwahahaha!’

What Would Freud Make of the Toilet-Paper Panic
–– Same thing panickers make.

‘Today’ Co-Anchor Hoda Kotb Breaks Down In Tears After Interviewing Drew Brees About $5 Million Donation To Help Coronavirus Victims
–– Drool Brees.

Oprah Winfrey explains why Stedman Graham is quarantining in their guest house
–– As usual.

The maker of Coors beer is joining other breweries and distilleries across the country in producing hand sanitizer
–– What else would you use Coors Light for?

Ridley Scott Rips 'Nutcase' Donald Trump's Coronavirus Response
–– Doesn't get off Scott free.

Jeremy Renner Released A Surprise New Album To ‘Unite People In A Pure Way’
–– With unadulterated disgust.

NPR Station Stops Airing Trump Coronavirus Briefings For 'False Information'
–– Then should preempt anything he says.

CNN Poll of Polls: Trump's approval up amid coronavirus concerns
–– Another horrific symptom.

James Dyson designed a new ventilator in 10 days. He's making 15,000 for the pandemic fight
–– Also sucks up used gloves, masks.

“You Can’t Speak in Strong Enough Dystopian Words to Describe It”: Why the Coronavirus Pandemic Could Change Dining as We Know It, Forever
–– If not fluent in Dystopian.

What the author of 'The Great Influenza: The Story of the Deadliest Pandemic in History' can teach us about coronavirus
–– There’s a book in all this?

‘I’m not scared of the virus’: He survived war in Syria. Now this refugee worries about keeping up with English lessons
–– Lesson #1: "Wash hands. Do not touch face."

Syria Confirms Its First Coronavirus Case: ‘It's Our Worst Nightmare’
–– After eight years of devastating civil war?!

ISIS calls on God to 'increase coronavirus torment' of non-believers
–– Issues fluwa?

In Iran, false belief a poison fights virus kills hundreds
–– Well, it ultimately did.

The pandemic isn't fixing climate change
–– Show of hands: who thought it was?

Why Walmart is seeing a rise in sales for tops, but not bottoms during the coronavirus crisis
–– People using webcams below belt don’t need them.

Mick Mulvaney reportedly received 2 coronavirus tests, despite not showing any symptoms
–– Had to swab both sides of mouth he talks out of.

Joe Biden Gaffe Alert: Stuns ‘The View’ By Claiming Coronavirus Cure Will Make The Problem Worse
–– View to a kill.

Trump Suggests Americans Shouldn’t Shake Hands -- Ever Again
–– With the Devil.

The US is asking other countries for everything from hand sanitizer to ventilators to help fight the coronavirus
–– Nothing like being prepared.

Astronauts Share Insightful Tips On Self-Isolation During Coronavirus Pandemic
–– We refuse to pee in our suit.

Donald Trump’s Campaign Slaps TV Stations With Cease And Desist Letter To Try To Halt Ad Attacking His Coronavirus Response
–– Identifies his symptoms as being sick, tired.

A G-7 joint statement on coronavirus failed because the U.S. insisted on calling it the 'Wuhan virus'
–– Wuhan is the loneliest number.

Trump Adviser Falsely Claims Pres Was First Leader to Restrict China Travel
–– Responds: 'But he did it with extreme prejudice.'

China promotes bear bile as coronavirus treatment, alarming wildlife advocates
–– Bitter end?

‘Vital and urgent': Inside New York City's difficult quest to obtain coronavirus testing kits
–– Almost Sicksotic.

Trump to New York: You’ve Been Mean to Me, Drop Dead
–– Vampire state of mind.

Missouri man charged with licking items at Walmart to mock coronavirus fears
–– Including anti-bacterial soap dispenser, but still.

Pence again touts chloroquine as coronavirus treatment after it's linked to deaths
–– ‘Only makes me like it better.’

Jackson Browne Tests Positive for Coronavirus
–– Called up complaining, “Doctor, my eyes…”

UK Health Secretary Matt Hancock announces that he has the coronavirus just hours after Boris Johnson also tests positive
–– Needed to scrub han, cock, johnson.

Prince Charles tests positive for novel coronavirus
–– As close to crown he’s ever gotten.

“He Might Be In Isolation, But He Is Not Isolated”: How Prince Charles Is Spending His Coronavirus Quarantine
–– He’s been in cocoon since birth.

Prince Albert Responds To Claims He Gave Prince Charles Coronavirus
–– Did he have Prince Albert in the can?

Coronavirus: Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis join 'Clap for Carers'
–– Not forgetting nurses with venereal diseases.

Gunman Storms Sikh Complex in Kabul, Killing 25
–– No self-quarantine for lunatics.

Man Who Said, ‘If I Get Corona, I Get Corona,’ Apologizes
–– To who?

Greta Thunberg Says It’s ‘Extremely Likely’ That She Had Coronavirus
–– If there’s a headline in it.

Mets’ Noah Syndergaard to Undergo Tommy John Surgery on Elbow Injury
–– Mets’ injury bug: ‘Coronavirus, take that!’

Desperate for sport? Marble racing is just the thing
–– If you’ve lost yours.

Fauci on Trump: 'I can't jump in front of the microphone and push him down'
–– Though government action nation needs.

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema calls Rand Paul's behavior prior to receiving coronavirus results 'irresponsible'
–– Assumedly referring to first 57 years of life.

Can We Have Sex? Here’s When You Can (And Can’t) Do It In The Coronavirus Outbreak
–– Look, lady, we appreciate the offer, but we hardly know you.

Coronavirus is 'the great equalizer,' Madonna tells fans from her bathtub
–– Don't even!

As Coronavirus Surveillance Escalates, Personal Privacy Plummets
–– Laws cover backside like hospital gown.

Doctors say loss of sense of smell might be Covid-19 symptom
–– Who nose?

More lifesaving ventilators are available. Hospitals can’t afford them.
–– Can’t?

Letters to the Editor: Buying a gun to stay safe in the coronavirus pandemic makes no sense
–– Unless you have really tiny bullets.

Dr. Oz says it's the 'patriotic duty' of Americans to go without masks
–– How about Old Glory bandanna over your mouth?

Target is apologizing after selling coveted N95 masks to the public while health care workers across the country run out
–– Well, hush my mouth.

The Novel Coronavirus Originated In Bats, And That's Actually Pretty Common
–– And kinda bats.

For the first time in 228 years, the New York Stock Exchange will open without its trading floor
–– Big deal –– stocks already in cellar.

DOJ Wants to Suspend Constitutional Rights During Coronavirus Emergency
–– Further?

Where Is God in a Pandemic?
–– In beard behind Shroud of Turin face mask.

Martin McDonagh's 'Hangmen' Is Broadway's First Coronavirus Casualty
–– Um, appropriately?

'Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?' Revival is Second New Broadway Production Felled by Coronavirus Shutdown
–– Same ones afraid of plague?

North Korea says it received a letter from Trump
–– Rotten with coronavirus if he had any sense.

Coronavirus is bringing a plague of dangerous doomsday predictions
–– So we’ll report them as news.

Silver Linings Plaguebook

101-year-old Italian man, born amid Spanish flu pandemic, survives coronavirus illness, official says
–– Giving hope to his entire demographic.

Children’s Educational Books See Uptick in Sales Amid COVID-19 School Closures
–– Along with Eric Carle's The Hungry Little Virus, Dr. Seuss' The Bug in the Mug.

Orange juice industry expecting boost in sales amid coronavirus pandemic
–– Biggest bump since Simpson acquittal.

Carbo-loading in quarantine: Experts explain why we crave bread and pasta in a crisis
–– You mean most satisfying foods on planet?

Quarantine a boon for some Hong Kong hotels as thousands return
–– Leave Chloroquine tablet on pillow.

Sen. Rand Paul has tested positive for coronavirus
–– Bug doesn’t discriminate, infects assholes, too.

Palm Beach Is on Edge After Mar-a-Lago Called a Coronavirus “Hot Zone”
–– Merde-a-Lago.

Trump says the coronavirus is hurting his personal businesses and he doesn't know if his hotels will accept government bailouts
–– Entire presidency has been bailout.

The first bees are bumbling among sprays of blossom like fireworks...
–– If fireworks stung.

Our ‘Digital Selves’ Are No Less Real
–– Then why quote marks?

Defiant Maduro threatens Trump after $15 million bounty by U.S. over drug trafficking charge
–– Offended by low number.

Courteney Cox says she doesn't even remember being on 'Friends'
–– As we try to forget.

Queen Elizabeth II Reportedly 'Laid Foundations' For Meghan Markle, Prince Harry Exit
–– Greased skids.

The Royal Chef Showed Us Prince Philip's Favorite Recipe—And Spilled Why He Likes To Eat When The Queen Is Away
–– Cabbage and beans puree fed through straw.

Princess Beatrice is 'looking to postpone wedding entirely' until 2021
–– Groom until 2041.

If You Feel Sick After Going Keto, You’re Not Alone—Here’s How Long the Symptoms Last
–– How long after sick of reading about it?

Females Live Longer Than Males—Among Humans and Other Mammals, Too
–– Except when by hearing loss.

Wildflowers forced by climate change to move north will soon have nowhere left to go, experts warn
–– Lost driver’s license.

How stable is deep ocean circulation in warmer climate?
–– Let’s see flow charts.

Ocean Species Are Shifting toward the Poles
–– Seafood restaurants in Gdansk thrilled.

Lego Pieces Could Last for 1,300 Years in Marine Environments
–– Begin search for Lego Atlantis.

New Feathered Carnivorous Dinosaur Found in New Mexico
–– In big tree behind retirement home.

At 67 Million Years Old, Oldest Modern Bird Ever Found Is Natural 'Turducken'
–– Got regularly stuffed.

NASA Astronaut Looks Back at ‘Gravity’: It’s Harmful for Girls Who Want to Go to Space
–– Without sturdy sports bras.

Mercury’s Messy Surface May Have Once Had Crucial Ingredients for Life
–– But now can’t be found under all that junk.

Behold the "Quasar Tsunami," Which Can Kill an Entire Galaxy
–– By A. Thanos.

Alex Jones Loses Sandy Hook Court Appeal, Must Now Pay Nearly $150,000 In Legal Fees
–– Infowars reparations.

Trump Says He ‘Won’t Accept’ That Ex-FBI Agent Robert Levinson Died in Iran, Despite Family’s Statement
–– Closes eyes, sticks fingers in ears, stamps petulantly while shaking head.

Top Iran General Killing So Secret Even U.S. Spy Satellites Kept in Dark
–– Like entire chain of command.

Too late, coronavirus proved Bernie Sanders was right. Now we have to settle for a recession led by Biden
–– Instead of depression with Bernie?

Sanders Is Ready to Debate Again. Biden Says ‘We’ve Had Enough Debates.’
–– Who could debate that?

Sanders Plans To Appear At Next Democratic Debate… If It Happens.
–– Let him self-quarantine on stage.

Bernie Sanders’s Supporters Want Him to Stay In, Pressure Joe Biden
–– Like kidney stone.

Cuomo Overtakes Sanders in Odds to Be Democratic Candidate
–– Sanders challenges him to debate.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo says he calls Dr. Fauci on his cellphone 'late at night' when he needs COVID-19 advice
–– Always asks: “What are you wearing?”

Trump says governors should stop blaming feds for 'their own shortcomings' in getting medical supplies
–– And yes, he’s suggesting Cuomo has small dick.

As *NSYNC’s ‘No Strings Attached’ Turns 20, Execs and Collaborators Look Back
–– Wince.

I Think Sex for Pay Is Wrong. Should I Stay With a Partner Who Disagrees?
–– And ain’t paying for it?

'Fortnite' Deliver Fish to Shadow or Ghost Locations
–– Ring, leave on doorstep.

The store owner who gave Robert Pattinson his first job says he found out about his fame after seeing his face in the newspapers he was selling
–– And saying: ‘What was that lazy bastard’s name, again?’

Neanderthals didn't just hunt mammoths. They actually knew how to fish, researchers discover.
–– With mammoth clubs, but still…

Neanderthals were hooked on fishing for their food
–– Editors on bad puns.

Pablo Escobar's Hippos Are Taking the Place of Long Extinct Animals
–– Like snow leopards, drug mules.

Snake Venom Didn't Evolve for Self-Defense, New Study Finds
–– Snakes just be nasty.

Canada mourns Takaya – the lone sea wolf whose spirit captured the world
–– Which never heard of him.

Small horses got smaller, big tapirs got bigger 47 million years ago
–– And started dating.

Archaeologists in Leeds Unearth 600 Lead-Spiked, 19th-Century Beer Bottles
–– If you need chaser for Rusty Nail.

5000-Year-Old Papua New Guinea Artifacts Rewrite Neollithic History
–– Stone pens?

A Dead Cat's Brain Revives Discussion of 1960s Mercury Poisoning Disaster in Japan
–– And tuna treats.

Two Men Arrested After Trying to Steal Stones From Notre-Dame
–– Hidden under shirts as humps on back.

’Curly’ Neal, Harlem Globetrotters ball-handling legend, dies at 77
–– Close shave.

‘Asterix and Obelix' co-creator Albert Uderzo dies aged 92
–– Rates *

Kenny Rogers, country music icon, dies at 81
–– Knew when to fold ‘em.