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Hot Hell Baltimore
Week of 08/02/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Baltimore stands up for its city after Trump tweets 'no human being would want to live there'
–– 'So here I come!'

Marianne Williamson Knows How to Beat Trump
–– Love 'im to pieces.

Trump attacks black congressman for second day in a row amid growing anger over racist use of 'infested'
–– OK to say his brain ‘infested’?

Jared Kushner owns Baltimore apartments ‘infested’ with rodents, mould and maggots
–– Trump: ‘See?’

Pelosi: Trump Should Talk to His “Slumlord” Son-in-Law About Baltimore
–– And tell him how Fred Trump would've been proud.

'Crime Infested' Trump Tower Twitter Thread Details Criminal NYC Tenants
–– Trump: 'Yeah, but our rats are human.'

Jenna Bush Hager Says She 'Adores' Kids She Taught in Baltimore Amid Trump's Rant About the City
–– Ones her dad helped keep poor.

’Too bad!': Trump seizes on Cummings burglary amid Baltimore attacks
–– Break-in his balls.

HUD Secretary Ben Carson Compares Baltimore To A Cancer Patient
–– Only if we can compare him to tumor.

Trump to outline Middle East peace plan to Arab leaders at summit: report
–– In chalk like dead body.

Trump's Middle East team launches tour seeking "traction" for still-vague peace plan
–– Like unicycle in sand trap.

NASA’s 4-legged robot can pass information on to future generations
–– And provide seat at bar.

NASA wants you to come up with a way to send heavy stuff to the Moon
–– Two Guys and a Shuttle?

Kelly Knight Craft confirmed as Trump’s next U.N. ambassador in vote largely on party lines
–– Craft booed.

Retired Admiral Casts Doubt on Trump's Account of Abandoned Iran Airstrike
–– Bullshit to play Philip Seymour Hoffman role.

Quentin Tarantino’s historical revisionism makes his movies better suited for the future
–– When students will not even be required to take social studies.

Manson Murder Spree: All the Hollywood Places Charles Manson's Followers Killed Their Victims
–– Stroll down Dismembery Lane.

Tulsi Gabbard accuses MSNBC of pushing 'talking points' from Kamala Harris in fiery interview
–– Tulsi: 'OK?!'

Twitter Uproar as Pence Goes to Famous Chili Restaurant, Orders Just Soda
–– Four alarmed.

George Hamilton Beyond the Tan: At 80, Hollywood’s Ultimate Showman Looks Back on Scandals, Trump Ties and "The Joke Being on Me"
–– And new Lin-Manuel Miranda musical bio.

North Korean Missile Tests Break U.N. Rules, Trump Says––But Not His Agreement With Kim
–– Which is like totally secret, sealed with kiss.

Brexiteer jailed for threatening to kill MPs: ‘We will cut your f***ing throat’
–– ‘If we can still import razors.’

Marlon Wayans plays all six main characters in Netflix's Sextuplets trailer
–– Six and tired.

Asteroid size of Empire State Building set to fly by Earth next week
–– With alien the size of King Kong attached.

Trump Says He 'Sold Tens of Thousands of Tickets' to His Rally—They're Free
–– But he still had Eric sell for $1.25 each.

Rudy Giuliani: 'Inmates were running the asylum' because Mueller couldn't handle probe
–– 'Whereas inmate took over White House asylum and refused to run it.'

Behar presses de Blasio on going after Obama at debate: 'Do you have to do it in public?'
–– Too big to hide.

Over 40 People Hurt at a Water Park After a 'Tsunami Pool' Malfunctions with Giant Wave
–– Took itself literally.

A man mocked recycling as he dumped a fridge off a cliff. He had to haul it back up and he's facing trial
–– Guy at bottom not happy either.

Mexican mayor paraded through town in women's clothes for failing to keep campaign promises
–– To not wear women’s clothes in office.

‘Monster’ Shark Bigger Than a Submarine Filmed by Scientists
–– Make that ‘submarine’.

Are We All Eating Apples Wrong?
–– We're talking to you, Carl, sitting on that Fuji.

US formally withdraws from nuclear treaty with Russia and prepares to test new missile
–– Trump in rented tux, bows, kisses Putin's ring, leaves.

Dan Coats to step down, Trump tweets, as President announces Ratcliffe will be nominated as next director of national intelligence
–– Turn Coats.

John Ratcliffe out as Trump's pick to be director of national intelligence
–– Rat off cliff.

Doctors find 526 teeth in boy's mouth in India
–– Some his.

Top US Navy SEAL tells commanders in letter: 'We have a problem'
–– 'Too drunk to balance balls on nose.'

Robot racism? Yes, says a study showing humans' biases extend to robots
–– Robots color-blind when they eradicate people.

Man given Britain's 'shortest ever' prison sentence, spends just 50 minutes behind bars
–– Hunger strike ‘not bad’.

‘New Gods’ Dilemma: DC’s Darkseid Is A Dead Ringer For Marvel’s Thanos
–– And way sillier.

Delta Air Lines pilot arrested on suspicion of intoxication, escorted off plane
–– Insists on parachute though on tarmac.

Pete Buttigieg says smudge on forehead during debate was probably a dead gnat
–– Same as smudge in Trump’s head.

Former Senate Democrat gets accused of ‘racial dog whistles’ when she talks about how her party is leaning too far left
–– Marx, Engels feel dissed.

Vanderpump Rules Star Stassi Schroeder Engaged to Boyfriend Beau Clark: 'I Feel Like Meghan Markle'
–– 'Y'know, two arms, two legs, disliked by everybody.'

US believes Osama bin Laden's son Hamza is dead
–– Hamza been gotten.

Joe Biden's Capacity for Empathy Has Been Described as a "Superpower"
–– The Human Touch.

One Small Addition to This Guy's Lunch Routine Helped Him Lose 70 Pounds
–– Tape worm.

Alita: Battle Angel star offers update on the sequel
–– Will be entitled No Fucking Way II.

Why Ex-Captain America Chris Evans Is the Next Harrison Ford
–– Acting range: bearded to clean-shaven.

When coal jobs leave an Appalachian town, what happens to the families left behind?
–– Have clean hands at dinner?

’I had a cat and the cat died': Marianne Williamson delivers downer to 10-year-old reporter
–– Bored puss to death.

Marianne Williamson is annoyed at the ridicule over her campaign message of 'love.' She's sticking with it anyway
–– 'I'd love to murder the trolls!'

Donald Trump Blames Barack Obama for the White House's Air Conditioning Issues
–– Never designed to handle current hot air level.

Trump Ineligible for CA's Primary Ballot Next Year Unless He Discloses Tax Returns, New State Law Says
–– And he was so going to win state.

’Serving under Trump is embarrassing’: Fifth Republican congressman retires in just two weeks as GOP fears more exits
–– Melania: ‘Tell me about it.’

McDonald’s banned from site near ancient Rome baths
–– Lacked vomitorium.

A Canadian woman who vanished while picking berries was found five days later
–– Family thought they'd be picking burials.

A Missouri man says he found a baby's body in his mother's freezer
–– Was looking for Popcicle.

John Dillinger's Body to Be Exhumed From Indiana Cemetery
–– Searching for ticket stub to see if he paid to see Manhattan Melodrama at Biograph Theatre.

Whitney Cummings made a sex Robot of herself for her new Netflix special
–– Why not funny Robot?

Country Joe, John Sebastian Pull out of Woodstock 50 ‘Sinking Ship’
–– Like The Good Rats.

An Amazon delivery driver stole a Texas couple's dog and tried to sell it online, police say
–– Promised same-day delivery.

Katy Perry's 'Dark Horse' was copied from a Christian rap song, a California jury says
–– Decided it sounded that lame.

Trump says he's 'the least racist person' in the world
–– Even Klan’s Grand Wizard had to laugh.

More voters think Donald Trump is a racist than thought George Wallace was in 1968
–– Wallace from Hell: ''At's 'cause we didn't poll coloreds back then!"

Christian Pastor Insists Trump Isn't a Racist Because He 'Attacks Anybody'
–– He’s human racist.

National Archives releases Reagan's racist call with then-President Nixon, ex-Reagan library director says
–– Bad time for Bonzo.

Jamestown ceremony marks birth of democracy in America; black Va. legislators skip because of Trump
–– He brings funeral wreath.

A vacationing teacher finds a 2.12-carat diamond at an Arkansas state park
–– Bear bites off head when he won’t return it.

Holiday Inn owner ditches tiny hotel soaps and shampoos
–– And children, little people.

Wanted: some non-toxic masculinity from Democrats
–– How about thimbleful of testosterone?

Lori Loughlin's daughters break silence on her birthday
–– Threaten to squeal unless they get new cutom lambos.

Easy Rider’ to Play Radio City With Live Rock Score from Roger McGuinn, John Kay
–– Strictly for The Byrds.

Rep. Devin Nunes: It's clear that Mueller didn't write the report
–– 'The letters were, like, too perfect and there were how many copies?'

Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger & Dolph Lundgren Jokingly Say They 'Refuse to Grow Up'
–– Flash adult diapers.

Robert Downey Jr.’s ‘Sherlock Holmes 3’ Tapped for $20 Million California Tax Credit
–– Mystery even he couldnt solve.

Jennifer Lopez stops her concert to celebrate A-Rod's birthday: 'Thank you for being such a beautiful light in my life'
–– A-Rod: 'And you're like a shot in my tuchus!'

Cardi B Says She Missed Daughter Kulture’s First Steps: 'I Can't Take It'
–– Kulture shock.

How Jeffrey Epstein allegedly targeted girls from disadvantaged backgrounds who were most vulnerable to abuse
–– As perv usual.

Jeffrey Epstein Hoped to Seed Human Race With His DNA
–– Now he’s Bond villain?

A Tale of Two Jeffreys: How the Virgin Islands Welcomed a Rich Sex Offender—and Punished a Poor One
–– And how Jeffrey the Giraffe got off.

Elizabeth Warren Wants to Transfer $640 Billion in Student Loan Debt to Taxpayers
–– Parents who saved to pay kid’s way: ‘

John Delaney Tells Fox News Elizabeth Warren Uses 'Fairytale Economics'
–– Talk about trolling her.

Chris Matthews called ‘sexist' for constantly interrupting Elizabeth Warren: Has he 'ever met a woman he doesn't want to talk over?'
–– Blab rat.

Trump Lashes Out at Al Sharpton, Saying He ‘Hates Whites’
–– How about 'oranges?'

Mets’ Marcus Stroman Trade Escalates Yankees' Desperation for Season-Saving Ace
–– Mets’ equivalent of World Series ring.

A Luxury Box at Citi Field, an M.T.A. Contract and $188,000 for Cuomo
–– 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

Dominic Cummings, Played by Benedict Cumberbatch in HBO's 'Brexit,' to Become Boris Johnson Advisor
–– Boris Johnson played by Gary Busey.

Jailed Putin critic develops mysterious ‘allergic reaction’ in custody
–– Hate fever.

Just when you think Trump can't sink any lower, he does
–– Bottomless shit.

Kamala Harris knows how to 'throw an elbow': How California politics shaped the 2020 hopeful
–– Biden: 'Yeah, right in the deez nutz!'

Trump Supports Labeling Antifa A ‘Major Organization Of Terror’
–– Includes PETA because they're Anti-fur.

Senior Democrat Nadler: No deadline for Trump impeachment
–– Dead-in-water set.

Bernie Sanders denounces 'greed' of American drug companies
–– Are parens prophylactic?

Russi Taylor, Actress and Voice of Minnie Mouse, Dies at 75
–– Squeaks by.

Angry Disney World Ranter Says Childless People Should Be Banned From The Theme Park
–– Tells orphaned Disney Characters to take hike, too.

Jenna Bush Hager Blames Sunglasses For Prince Harry Not Being Her Brother-In-Law
–– Fact they were prescription and he could see sister.

Police officer who accused McDonald's staff of biting his sandwich for being a cop admits forgetting he ate it himself
–– Eats crow burger.

Las Vegas' grasshopper invasion is so big you can see it on weather radar
–– Locusts: 'You call that Apocalyptic?'

Trump campaign appoints beauty queen who was ‘stripped of title over offensive tweets about Muslims and black people’
–– Sash and burn.

A deadly mosquito-borne virus that causes brain swelling in humans has been detected in Florida
–– State find new mascot.

Passenger dressed as a clown causes mass brawl on cruise ship, witnesses say
–– Was also acting chaplain.

The woman who was next in line to be Puerto Rico's governor doesn't want the job
–– J-Lo in wings.