Headbangers 07/19
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Headbangers 2018
Headbangers 2017
Headbangers 2016
Headbangers 2015
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Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Nail Biden
Week of 06/28/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Can Joe Biden Recover After That Debate-Night Thrashing?
–– Checked into ER with pussy whiplash.

Why Trump can't fill the gaping holes in his government
–– Gaping hole at top.

Gayle King presses Kamala Harris: Did you deliver a 'low blow' to Biden at debate?
–– ‘Yes, but he doesn’t have much feeling left down there.’

Kamala Harris Campaign Selling T-Shirts Inspired by Viral Joe Biden Moment
–– Low Blow Joe Go!

Booker admonishes Biden for language used defending a 'kid wearing a hoodie'
–– Demands campaign trail be declared safe space.

Late-night hosts tackle Marianne Williamson’s surprising debate performance
–– Flabbergasting she was there.

AOC Subtly Ribs Beto for His Gratuitous Debate Spanish
–– Damned if you dónde, damned if you don’t.

Bill de Blasio Tried His Hand at Spanish. He Ended Up in Hot Agua
–– Did Señor Wences routine.

Bernie Sanders to unveil plan to cancel all $1.6 trillion of student loan debt
–– And free doobies for everyone!

Trump on trade deal with China: 'We're getting a little bit closer'
–– ‘You can almost see it if you squint your eyes like President Xi here.’

At the G20, Trump will see failure everywhere he looks
–– Other attendees holding up mirrors?

Trump flashes a grin, tells Putin not to meddle in US election during first post-Mueller report meeting
–– And flashed ‘Don Jr.’

Trump and Putin Share Joke About Election Meddling, Sparking New Furor
–– Those two don’t need another Führer.

Donald Trump shakes Saudi crown prince's hand in leaders' G20 photo
–– Did Purell immediately after, but still…

Putin: The "liberal idea" has "outlived its purpose"
–– “That is why I have prepared this special polonium-210 cocktail…’

'Oligarchs and authoritarianism are obsolete': EU president Tusk hits back at Putin's claim liberalism has had its day
–– ‘Except for Putin, Trump, Xi, Salman, Erdogan, Assad, Al Bashir, Duterte, Orbán, a few dozen others.’

Angela Merkel seen shaking for second time in weeks
–– She’s been listening to Trump, too.

Russia plans to tow a nuclear power station to the Arctic. Critics dub it a 'floating Chernobyl'
–– Others ‘calcium chloride on steroids.’

Cauliflower Ear in MMA: Why the 'Gnarly' Injury Is Considered a 'Badge of Honor'
–– And cooler than Brussel Sprouts Lips.

When Will ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Dethrone King Of The World James Cameron’s ‘Avatar’ For The All-Time Global B.O. Record?
–– When it travels back in time to when $2.79 bil was really $2.79 bil.

Trump Immigration Official Blames The Dad In Viral Border Drowning Photo
–– Why, was it evil river spirit’s fault?

Chris Christie Inadvertently Gives Dems The Key To Beating Trump In A Debate
–– D’oh-minor.

’I just jumped out the window and ran straight down to the car': Chick-Fil-A employee rushes to save choking boy
–– ‘Before remembering I was on 5th floor.’

Porch pirates return WWE belt to boy awaiting brain surgery, pen apology note: 'We never wanted to steal a child's hope'
–– Are still scumbags.

New black Barbie doll wears natural hair, uses a wheelchair: 'Representation like this is so important'
–– And ze’s gender fluid!

Megan Rapinoe on winning before France's Pride Day: 'You can’t win championships without gays, that’s science'
–– Sheology.

US soccer star Megan Rapinoe says she's 'not going to the f*****g White House' if the women's team wins the World Cup
–– Goals!

Royal photographer's scathing exposé on 'sulky' Meghan and Harry
–– Real pouter couple.

Pop-Up Taco Bell hotel sells out in 2 minutes
–– In latest slang for ‘puke up’.

Richard Dreyfuss Claims 'Irish Drunken Bully' Bill Murray Threw an Ashtray at Him on 1991 Movie
–– What about bobbing?

Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch deliver for Trump
–– Grubhub orders whenever.

Jimmy Carter suggests Trump is an illegitimate president
–– Obviously a bastard.

Shia LaBeouf Says He's Never Felt Better, but Knows He's On His "Ninth Life"
–– This cat’s like gone.

Here’s Every Trump Administration Official Accused of Violating Hatch Act
–– Hatch schemes is what they do.

Pride and protest: Stonewall rally to look back and ahead
–– Not side-to-side.

Europe has had five 500-year summers in 15 years. And now this
–– Too damn hot to do math.

Supreme Court refuses to hear Alabama's defense of abortion ban struck down last year
–– Fear old skulls would explode.

A terrifying app for making any woman appear naked was killed off by its creator
–– App to make him appear non-creepy not yet developed.

What to drink to help you sleep
–– See fifth of scotch over there?

The suspect in Pinky the flamingo's death is struck by a truck and killed
–– Driver described as pink with ‘really long’ neck.

Sports anchor Bob Ley retires after 40 years at ESPN
–– Ley off.

Eric Trump says he was spit on at Chicago restaurant
–– Someone ordered lamb flatbread at Trump International's Terrace 16.

A man accused of dismembering a Tinder date slashed his own throat during his murder trial
–– Swiped left.

NYT: Ivanka Trump, Kushner have 'unusual connection' with Chilean company owner that worked with administration to secure mining lease
–– Copper should look into it.

Rep. Duncan Hunter used campaign funds for affairs, prosecutors say
–– Dunkin’ dog nuts.

Americans are far more likely to be killed in the US than in the Dominican Republic
–– Or Last Month of News Cycle Pure Bullshit.

11 U.S. Tourists Have Died in the Dominican Republic in 2019. Should You Cancel Your Trip?
–– Including this.

Willow Smith says she loves men and women equally
–– Both share equal contempt for her.

Shawn Mendes' video of 'Señorita' just made everyone, everywhere fall in love with him

Judi Dench says work of Weinstein and Spacey should not be forgotten
–– Should be remembered like UTI.

Mueller to testify publicly on July 17 following a subpoena
–– Swears to confuse matters further.

Trump Is Talking About Withdrawing From Postwar Japan Defense Pact
–– ‘Why? I just heard they attacked us. In Hawaii, no less!’

Schools’ Invasive Surveillance to Monitor Aggression Set Off by Coughing, Gilbert Gottfried: Report
–– Gottfried coughing triggers SWAT raid.

Euphoria’s Much Ado About Dick: ‘30 Penises in One Scene’ Controversy Doesn’t Measure Up
–– Per this jerkoff.

Alfonso Cuaron's 'Roma' Sweeps Mexico's Ariel Awards
–– After vacuuming red carpet.

Trump Delays Immigration Raids, Giving Democrats 'Two Weeks' To Change Asylum Laws
–– Shouldn’t take two days to get him in one.

Trump accuser says alleged sexual assault mirrored 'Access Hollywood' claims
–– ‘Especially with full-length ones in dressing room.’

Trump’s Response to the Latest Sexual Assault Allegation Leveled Against Him Was Hollow and Callous
–– So, an improvement?

Two Women Who Heard E. Jean Carroll’s Account of Being Attacked by Trump Go Public
–– Aha! That should get Trump to fess up.

E. Jean Carroll Says Bringing Rape Charges Against Trump Would Be "Disrespectful" to Migrant Women
–– Showing them same level of sensitivity as her attacker.

Murdoch lieutenant ordered removal of New York Post story on Trump sexual assault allegation, sources say
–– Disappeared faster than president’s hand up skirt.

White House proposing $50 billion package to boost Palestinian economy -- if there is peace
–– And they don’t spill Jared/Stormy Dana story to Enquirer.

Small slug throws Japan's high-speed rail into chaos
–– 皮肉な.

Nancy Pelosi says she told Trump: 'You're scaring the children'
–– ‘Zip up!’

Bloated cobra is filmed being forced to regurgitate seven whole eggs
–– In Guiness World Record Slowest Spit-take.

Trump blames 'surprise' question for failure to endorse Mike Pence's expected 2024 presidential run
–– Shocked anyone would bring him up.

Pence says US 'not convinced' downing of US drone by Iran 'was authorized at the highest levels'
–– ‘Could’ve been by some lowbrow like me.’

Why a Government Lawyer Argued Against Giving Immigrant Kids Toothbrushes
–– Fear 3-year-olds will file down handles with teeth, use as shivs.

Tom Holland Spoils Biggest ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Death in TV Interview, Leaving Moviegoers Divided
–– 50/50, Thanos-style.

Leaked Documents Reportedly Show Trump Transition Team Dismissed 'Red Flags' When Hiring
–– Thought they were capes, charged.

Roseanne Barr, Andrew Dice Clay Announce ‘Mr. and Mrs. America’ Comedy Tour
–– Appropriate for couple of beauts.

Supreme Court rules that FUCT clothing brand can be trademarked despite its sounding like an obscenity
–– FUCT up.

Jason Vargas threatens reporter in angry Mets’ clubhouse: ‘Knock you the f— out’
–– ‘Cause we can’t get anyone the f–– out.’

A US postal worker was shot dead while delivering mail in Louisiana
–– Dead letter office.

Microsoft bans its employees from using Slack, Google Docs, and more
–– Really any competitor’s better product.

Police officer fired for choking teen in viral video: ‘I will jack you up’
–– Where was he ‘choking’ him?

Donald Trump Jokes He'll Stay President 'Forever' in New Video Endorsing His 2020 Campaign
–– Stuff him now.

Costco Is Now Selling 2-Pound "Cheese Flights" For $19.99 And They Keep Selling Out
–– To be paired with favorite 5L boxed wine.

Joe Sestak Becomes Latest Democrat To Announce 2020 Presidential Run
–– Months-old announcement just discovered in DNC mail.

Mother arrested for abandoning boy in McDonald's to gamble: 'He drives me crazy'
–– Hit horse track with Hamburglar.

‘Not all country boys are bigots': Photo of duct tape Pride flag on truck goes viral
–– ‘Jest real ones.’

Sophie Turner Wore a $25 Dickies T-Shirt With a Pair of Mango Mules in Paris
–– PETA enraged over painted pack animals.

White supremacist who killed woman after driving car into Charlottesville protesters begs judge to show him ‘mercy’
–– Run down those charges again.

Video: Cam Newton Denied After Offering $1500 to Switch Seats on Flight
–– Caught on SpyCam.

Senate GOP to defeat proposal requiring approval for Iran attack
–– Presents embossed 007 card to President.

Iranian President: Donald Trump’s White House Is ‘Afflicted by Mental Retardation’
–– How dare you, sir! It is severely mentally challenged.

Amid tough talk, Trump says he could be Iran's 'best friend'
–– If they’d just dismember a journalist or two.

Trump warns Iran of ’obliteration like you’ve never seen before’
–– ‘Except maybe in White House.’

Celebs Defend Halsey's Armpit Hair — Because That's The World We Live In
–– Yes, the pits.

Wendy Williams admits that she's still 'madly in love' with Kevin Hunter: 'You see it in my eyes'
–– ‘Look into these pin-prick pupils.’

Naked Swimsuits: The Trend I'm Terrified That I Like
–– See right through it.

Kim Jong Un received 'personal letter' from Trump, says North Korean state media
–– Pages stuck together.

Man arrested after hidden camera found in James Bond studio toilets
–– Filmed Thunderball.

'It's a ways away': Huckabee says Sarah Sanders in no rush to run for Arkansas governor
–– ‘And it’s not like they’re gettin’ any smarter.’

Battle Lines Drone
Week of 06/21/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Says U.S. Was 'Cocked And Loaded' Before He Called Off Strike On Iran
–– Holding Barron’s air rifle.

Roy Moore to run again for US Senate seat in Alabama
–– From the Pedo fIle.

Trump Suggests Iran's Downing of U.S. Drone Wasn't Intentional
–– Which is pretty Iranic.

Trump Stopped Strike on Iran Because It Was ‘Not Proportionate’
–– ‘That’s about the size of it.’

Iran Has Ties to Al Qaeda, Trump Officials Tell Skeptical Congress
–– Produce photos of bolo, cravat.

Iran says it will break the uranium stockpile limit agreed under nuclear deal in 10 days
–– Rad.

Trump Is 'Least War-mongering' in Situations Like Iran Tensions: Scaramucci
–– In latest slang for ‘most cowardly.’

Iran Shot Down a $176 Million U.S. Drone. Here's What to Know About the RQ-4 Global Hawk
–– It cost $176 million!

Mets Hire 82-Year-Old Ex-Sandy Koufax Teammate Phil Regan as Pitching Coach
–– Figure bullpen might improve tossing underhand.

Kit Harington enjoys a casual stroll in London
–– Made more casual by paparazzi.

A Robot Has Been Stuck on Mars for Months
–– And getting sick of Matt Damon's shit potatoes.

An Ancient Greek Philosopher Was Exiled for Claiming the Moon Was a Rock, Not a God
–– By Republican Senate, of course.

Supreme Court throws out murder conviction of black inmate as Kavanaugh, Gorsuch split again
–– Like protozoa.

Trump honors economist who advised him on lowering taxes
–– Throws Laffer curve.

Rihanna Goes Day Drinking with Seth Meyers — and Gives Him His Own Fenty Beauty Makeover
–– He had to be drunk.

Danny Boyle Thinks Robert Pattinson Should Play James Bond Too
–– Licence to kill two franchises.

What Kylie Jenner thought of the Jordyn Woods scandal
–– Same as us: nothing.

He Was an 'Invisible' Gay Teen at Stonewall — Years Later, He Was Dancing at the Obama White House
–– Removed fabulous Cloak of Invisibility.

Georgia Woman Dies After Surprise Bite From Venomous Snake in Garden
–– Bite she scheduled had no effect.

Seals have been taught to sing the 'Star Wars' theme tune
–– And do mean Jabba the Hutt impersonation.

Lack of soap, filthy onesies and too few beds have created a 'health crisis' at border detention facilities, monitors warn
–– ‘Filthy onesies’ nasty name for ICE agents.

Rays Exploring Splitting Home Games Between Tampa Bay and Montreal
–– To double attendance into hundreds.

Ralph Lauren Awarded Honorary Knighthood by Queen Elizabeth II
–– And gilded polo mallet from Prince Charles.

Startup that makes sex toys for women sues New York transit system for banning its ads
–– Pushed their buttons.

Trump’s Only Consistent Foreign Policy Goal Is to One-Up Obama
–– As he two-downs him.

Cory Booker Proposes Clemency for Thousands of Nonviolent Drug Offenders
–– Needs all primary voters he can get.

At Historic Hearing, House Panel Explores Reparations
–– Off the block.

Only black GOP senator Tim Scott calls reparations a 'non-starter'
–– Payback’s a bitch.

Dominican Republic authorities say David Ortiz was not intended target of shooting
–– Was pinch hit.

Mark Hamill nominates Carrie Fisher to replace Donald Trump on Hollywood Walk of Fame: 'Good riddance'
–– Leia down the law.

Reynolds Wrap will pay someone $5,000 a week to travel across America eating ribs
–– No bones about it.

Brett Favre Speaks Out About Evolving Friendship with Aaron Rodgers: We Were 'Strong Enemies'
–– Now his Favreite.

Tucker Carlson Finds It ‘Painful’ to Watch Trans Women Athletes ‘Stealing Athletic Opportunities From Girls’
–– Tougher watching Carlson steal opportunities from journalists.

Hendersonville man gets 22 years for convincing minors to produce child porn through smart phone apps
–– Kids nominated for AVN award.

Barbie maker Mattel 'is insolvent' and can't be 'salvaged': Bratz doll creator
–– Ken spotted on 50th-floor window ledge.

Hope Hicks Hearing Is “Obstruction Of Justice In Action”, Says California Congressman
–– And ‘treason in high heels.’

Pelosi against Trump censure if House can't impeach him
–– Awarding gold star still on table.

Family kicked out of Smashburger because of boy's service dog: 'I am going to make a big deal about it'
–– A nation’s motto.

Donald Trump Jr. Mocks Biden's Cancer Cure Promise Just Before His Dad Makes Same Vow
–– Tumor doesn’t grow far from the mass.

Experts Find Van Gogh’s Fingerprints on His Famous ‘Sunflowers,’ and 4 Other Surprising Discoveries From the Painting’s Recent Conservation
–– 3) What looks like gluteal imprint in lower left corner.

Van Gogh's 'suicide gun' sells for $180,000
–– Was it dusted for prints?

A Pennsylvania woman was bitten by a copperhead snake while doing laundry
–– And machine was set for cottonmouths.

Joe Biden and Democratic Rivals Exchange Attacks Over His Remarks on Segregationists
–– Integrated in self-righteousness.

Biden defends comments about segregationist senators: 'There's not a racist bone in my body'
–– Even in bonehead?

‘Puppy dog eyes' have evolved to appeal to humans
–– Scientific studies have evolved to appeal to gullible dog lovers.

The US suicide rate is up 33% since 1999, research says
–– Always the wrong third.

’My Whole Life Is a Bet.’ Inside President Trump’s Gamble on an Untested Re-Election Strategy
–– Craps on everyone.

Blacks for Trump' Arrive at President's 2020 Campaign Launch Rally in Orlando
–– In one Mini-Cooper.

Florida man arrested for slapping reporter's hand at Trump rally
–– Like Melania does Donald's.

Babbling baby and dad are back in a new ad
–– Trump & Don Jr.’s first for 2020?

Trump Is Just As Popular As Obama and Regan So Will He Sail to Re-Election?
–– Regan when she spit green slime, spun head around.

Trump claims Latino support surging despite strict immigration policies
–– Assertion detained at wall of credibility.

Netflix Says Murder Mystery Has Been Viewed by Over 30 Million Accounts in 3 Days
–– Clue in brain deaths.

Trump’s spiritual adviser says ‘demonic networks’ are working against the president
–– And, more obviously, for him.

Eric Dane on Why He Used a Prosthetic Penis for ‘Euphoria’ Full-Frontal Sex Scene
–– While playing real dick.

‘Bright’ Screenwriter Max Landis Accused of Sexual Assault by Multiple Women
–– Not so Bright.

Magician inspired by Houdini drowned after being lowered into river in chains
–– Classic Escape Me Not trick.

FBI examining 2010 domestic fight involving acting defense secretary Shanahan; accounts differ on aggressor
–– Sounds like he had no defense.

Shanahan drops out of contention to lead Pentagon, as Trump taps Army secretary
–– Who will bring own steno pad.

‘Grand Hotel’ Is Part of Eva Longoria’s Mission to ‘Produce With Purpose'
–– That was on purpose?

Shut Out by Shoe Giants, ‘Mom and Pop’ Stores Feel Pinched
–– Heel not in step, slips on sole pun-laced lift, loafer deserves boot.

Bella Thorne posts topless pics to thwart hacker: 'I took my power back'
–– Be Breast.

A 5-foot alligator bit a Louisiana sheriff's deputy who was trying to tape its mouth
–– Forgot to say 'You have the right to remain silent.'

Boaty McBoatface makes significant climate change discovery on first mission.
–– Evidence of Globo McWarming.

Pornhub viewing dropped 47% in Toronto after the Raptors won the NBA title over the Warriors
–– San Francisco viewing tripled.

Amazon condemns Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez for 'starvation wages' comment
–– Loses appetite.

Pete Buttigieg says the U.S. has probably already had a gay president
–– Commander-in-cheeks?

Why Bernie Sanders Isn’t Afraid of ‘Socialism’
–– Can’t remember what it means.

UBS Loses a Deal in China After Economist's 'Pig' Comment
–– Sub-glum pork.

Can’t take 'information from a foreign agent. It's against the law': Chris Christie
–– Christal clear.

Vanderpump Rules Star Jax Taylor Honors His Late Dad on Father’s Day: 'I Miss You So Much'
–– ‘Um, right, sure, kid, but I’m really in a better place. No need to write.’

Teacher turns old restroom into colorful reading corner with scrap wood
–– Books on cardboard rolls.

Harrison Ford's Son Ben Praises Actor on Father's Day: 'He Taught Me Resiliency as a Young Father'
–– Abandonment can do that.

‘Hey, Hey, Hey': Bill Cosby posted for Father's Day – leaving many to diss 'America's Dad'
–– Hate, hate, hate.

Bill Cosby is 'extremely popular' in prison, 'looks amazing' after weight loss, rep says
–– Makes Fat Albert ‘don’t drop soap’ jokes even funnier.

Paul Manafort dodges Rikers Island transfer after rare Justice Department intervention
–– Extended pre-pardon perk.

Melania Trump reveals Donald Trump used this trick to charm her - despite huge age gap
–– ‘He say Bill Cosby show him how to be doing it.’

Mitch McConnell Wonders Why Jon Stewart Is ‘All Bent Out of Shape’ Over 9/11 Victim Compensation Fund
–– ‘As twisted as m’moral compass.’

Trump Hints He 'Might' Turn Over 'Financial Statement' To Congress
–– Statement: ‘Time is money.’

ABC’s George Stephanopoulos Hammers Trump On Mueller Report: 'Did You Read' It?
–– In year’s best straight line.

Trump chastises Mulvaney for coughing during TV interview
–– Amazing he didn’t puke.

Prince Philip Told Prince Harry Not to Marry Meghan Markle for This Surprising Reason
–– Watched Suits.

Egypt’s Former President Mohamed Morsi Dies After Appearing in Court
–– Showed no remorsi.

Gloria Vanderbilt, Heiress With a Knack for Reinvention, Dies at 95
–– Poor little ditched girl.

Kim Cattrall Exits British Comedy Series ‘The Cockfields’; Replaced By ‘Bancroft’ Star Sarah Parish
–– Will appear instead in 'The Dongmeadows.'

Russian poker player dies from electrocution in bathroom
–– Lost at craps.

Israel announces new Golan Heights settlement named 'Trump Heights'
–– Not 'Depths'?

Suspected home intruder who got hit with a machete and escaped from the hospital has been caught
–– Underbrush with the law.

The tree thought to have inspired Dr. Seuss' 'The Lorax' has fallen
–– Crushing Cat in the Hat.

Trump campaign says it will fire multiple pollsters after unflattering numbers leak
–– Sends cease and desist order to Reality.

‘Massive failure' leaves Argentina, Paraguay and Uruguay with no power, utility says
–– Don’t fry for me: Argentina.

Trump: N.Y. Times Russia report is 'virtual act of Treason'
–– As opposed to own real thing.

‘Dark Phoenix' Filmmaker Simon Kinberg on Its Box Office Failure: "That's on Me"
–– No one’s arguing.

Why Did Martin Scorsese Prank His Audience in ‘Rolling Thunder Revue’? Even He May Not Know
–– Dilly Dylan.

A woman was arrested in Florida for allegedly stomping on sea turtle nests
–– Shell hath no fury.

’Game Of Thrones' director was ‘visually policed’ by its showrunners
–– Bad cop, worse cop.

Saudi crown prince warns against 'exploiting' Khashoggi murder
–– Yeah, that’d be a crime.

Trump: Elect Me or Markets Will Crash
–– Elect him and Democracy will crash.

Ivanka Trump Collected $4 Million Last Year From Dad's Controversial Washington Hotel
–– Left on dresser.

Rapper finds 'needles, pills, pipes' and 2 unwanted houseguests at Airbnb rental
–– And didn’t have room for own.

Mexico publishes Trump's 'secret deal' on migration
–– Redacts President’s demands for unlimited taco bowls.

Man calls out his neighbor for flying Nazi, Confederate flags: 'Un-f***ing-believable'
–– 'I mean, where was the MAGA flag, dude?'

OJ Simpson on Twitter: 'I got a little gettin' even to do'
–– Threaten on Twiter? You must be acquitter.

Sara Netanyahu admits to illegally ordering catered meals at PM’s residence
–– Faces sterno sentence.

Upstate New York judge dies after having a heart attack on the bench
–– Law passed.

Washington state waterfront landowners are getting an unusual request: Take in dead whales
–– Can't stop blubbering.

What it's like to be a white woman named LaKiesha
–– Urban Miss.

Rare blue lobster turns up at a restaurant
–– Orders broiled red lobster, chuckles.

Batista 'Would Go Broke' Before Wrestling Again; Talks AEW vs. WWE
–– Knockdown, Drax out.

Tiffany Haddish postpones Atlanta show over Georgia's abortion law
–– So law prevented one miscarriage.

#JohnMcCainDay: How people on Twitter are commemorating Trump's 73rd birthday
–– Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm sorry you made Seventy-two.

Oppo Marks
Week of 06/14/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Says ‘I’d Take It’ if Russia Again Offered Dirt on Opponent
–– In his dirty place.

Republicans lash Trump for being open to foreign oppo
–– With wet noodle.

Trump defends position on ‘oppo research’ from foreign governments: ‘How ridiculous’ to tell the FBI
–– 'Do bank robbers call the cops?'

Rick Santorum: Trump Was Just Using ‘Filler Words’ When He Said He’d Accept Foreign Help
–– Trump: 'Lorem ipsum.'

Under Fire, Trump Says He Would ‘Absolutely’ Report Foreign Campaign Help
–– To Don Jr.

Pelosi: Nothing 'more divisive' than impeaching a president
–– Except President.

US blames Iran for Gulf of Oman tanker attack

Gulf on Edge as Conflicting Accounts of Tanker Attacks Swirl
–– On edge of gulf?

Japanese tanker owner contradicts U.S. officials over explosives used in Gulf of Oman attack
–– Bad Oman.

U.N. chief condemns tanker attacks, says facts must be established
–– Aw, the UN and their boring facts!

'If there's a war, it will destroy Iraq': Iraqis speak out on heightening US-Iran tensions
–– It will be hard to tell, but still…

Congress Grills Trump Official On 'Legally Questionable' Saudi Arms Sales
–– Official: “Who cares as long as cash is legally tender?'

Republicans in Congress push back on Trump weapons packages to Saudi Arabia, UAE
–– Pathos of least resistance.

Mohammed bin Salman's sister faces trial for allegedly ordering beating of craftsman
–– U.S. offers to sell brass knuckles.

Trump says his visit was the most fun Queen Elizabeth II had in 25 years
–– Kept repeating, “We are amused!”

Warren leapfrogs Sanders in pair of 2020 polls
–– In funny/horrifying image.

Elizabeth Warren isn’t Hillary Clinton
–– She took another DNA test?

Sanders goes full FDR in defense of democratic socialism
–– Takes FDR drive.

Howard Schultz Blames Back Surgery for Derailing His Campaign
–– America gives back pat.

NASA administrator says it will cost an extra $20 to $30 billion to send astronauts back to the Moon
–– Or 1/100th that to reshoot fake Apollo landings.

Perez defends debate requirements after four 2020 Democrats fail to qualify
–– Isn’t that four of 2020?

Employees turn their back on Agriculture secretary over being relocated to Kansas City
–– Like potatoes closing eyes, corn covering ears.

Sarah Sanders leaving White House post, Trump says
–– Who can they possibly find to conduct bi-annual press conference?

Patient dies after fecal transplant, prompting FDA safety warning
–– Loses shit.

Film Industry Protests Far-Right Surge in Hollywood's Favorite German Backlot
–– Though will make more authentic for WWII movies.

Late Night actor Reid Scott reflects on playing the 'privileged white prick'
–– When you're entitled Caucasian dick.

Book Club 2 Is Happening—But Which Horny Book Will The Ladies Read Next?
–– The Story of Ferdinand?

Plus One Is the Millennial Answer to When Harry Met Sally
–– Or another PC rehash.

Sidwell Friends student didn't get into college, but her case may go to the Supreme Court
–– Didn’t sid well with parents.

More research labs are retiring rather than euthanizing monkeys when studies finish
–– Phase II of Chango del Vista underway in Coconut Creek, FL.

Principal accused of plagiarizing Ashton Kutcher speech at graduation suspended
–– Includes every if, and, duh.

Steve Scalise on climate change: Earth's temperature "goes up and down"
–– “Didn’t you ever watch those Ice Age movies?”

Trump says Melania T is the new Jackie O
–– More Jackie Chan.

Donald Trump Accused of Profiting From Doonbeg Golf Resort Visit
–– Entire corrupt presidency is just collecting green fees.

Trump Is Urged to Fire Kellyanne Conway for Hatch Act Violations
–– After she laid egg.

Trump, Lying, Says He’s Wiping the Floor With Joe Biden
–– Cleaning up mess he made?

Alan Dershowitz Says He Would 'Enthusiastically' Vote For Biden Over Trump
–– But retains right to defend Trump law-breaking at every turn.

It’s not just Trump questioning Biden’s age. Democrats are, too.
–– So’s Joe, trying to remember.

Conservatism No Longer 'Dignified' Because of Trump, Says George Will
–– Must now state racism openly.

Kickstarter asks people to stop claiming their projects are ‘the world’s best’
–– Prefer straightforward 'another piece of shit, but we really need money.'

Boris Johnson Shows Strength in Conservative Leadership Contest
–– Boris bad enough.

Boris Johnson must pay EU’s £39 billion Brexit bill if he becomes prime minister, says chancellor
–– Elect him if he personally pays it.

A Cincinnati company made a Pride mural out of 26,000 Post-It notes
–– Got the memo.

Katherine Schwarzenegger Wore Mom Maria Shriver's Wedding Veil to Marry Chris Pratt
–– Groom wore father-in-law's Conan helmet.

Comedian Ramy Youssef on the pressure of being "first"
–– Instead of sweating “funny.”

Jessica Biel says she's not against vaccinations
–– World was awaiting expert opinion.

Sylvia Miles, Actress With a Flair for the Flamboyant, Dies at 94
–– Miles to go before she sleeps.

–– Hold door…we’re leaving.

He died after the family took him off life support. Then he walked through the door.
–– News or Stephen King story?

Britney Spears Gives Closet Tour as She's Granted Permanent Restraining Order Against Sam Lutfi
–– Shows off her male fans.

Passenger found guilty of masturbating on flight as wife watched, helped
–– Claims he misunderstood 'place in upright position’ instructions.

U.S. will deploy 1,000 troops to Poland; Warsaw may call them 'Fort Trump'
–– Pentagon may call them 'Polish Joke.'

Irish PM concerned Britain set for 'terrible' Brexit miscalculation
–– Another?

Mike Pence says banning LGBT+ flags outside US embassies during Pride month was ‘right decision’
–– Didn’t want locals to think they were selling Skittles.

North Korea's Kim sends flowers for ex-first lady, but no letter for Moon
–– Sent Moon pie.

The Moon’s largest crater is hiding something, and astronomers don’t know what
–– But suspect it's pretty flat.

Linda Fairstein Gets Slammed On Twitter For Doubling Down On Her Central Park Five Role
–– Claims Central Park Ten deserved life.

Former Trump aide Hope Hicks agrees to Judiciary interview
–– Hope hicks question her.

Trump waved an alleged 'secret' Mexico deal around. A photographer got a picture of it.
–– Included favorite chimichanga recipe.

Passenger opens plane emergency exit, mistaking it for the toilet
–– Immediately relieved self.

Steve King not allowed on Air Force One for Trump's trip to Iowa Tuesday
–– After peeing on boarding ramp.

Chernobyl suddenly becomes visitor hotspot
–– Reviews glowing.

Carnivorous plants eat far more salamanders than scientists thought
–– Newts to them.

A weatherman slammed his station's constant 'Code Red' warnings. It may cost him his job.
–– Stormed out.

Tree symbolizing Trump-Macron friendship dies
–– In Metaphor-of-the-Week.

London Zoo Defends Return of Late-Night Parties Among the Animals
–– Insist penguins aren’t being forced to serve drinks.

Geto Boys co-founder Bushwick Bill dead at 52
–– Bushwacked.

Burt Reynolds' Boots, Belt Buckles and Beloved Trans Am Up for Auction in Beverly Hills
–– Bouncing balls remain with family.

HBO Cancels 'Vice News Tonight,' Josh Tyrangiel to Depart
–– Vice reversa.

Woah: Emily Ratajkowski Showed Off Her Drastic New Hairstyle at the Tony Awards
–– Word jumble solution: Whoa.

Video shows moment David Ortiz is shot in the Dominican Republic
–– Can you hear big poppi?

Ortiz progressing, thanks DR medical team
–– Sick Papi.

Trump is not happy that Watergate figure John Dean is testifying before Congress
–– 'I never liked his breakfast sausage.'

25 years after murders, OJ says 'Life is fine'
–– ‘Y’know, for living people.’

The Ancient Pots That Hint at Cannabis’s Early Use as a Drug
–– Yes, pot smokers.

Newly restored historic sailing ship crashes and sinks days after relaunch
–– Mast hysteria.

Russian Sailors Sunbathe While Their Ship Almost Collides with US Missile Cruiser
–– Taut, bronzed slavic glutes mesmerized skipper.

T. rex had an amazing sense of smell, gene study suggests
–– Knew he was coming from 300 yards.

Here's How Much 'Jeopardy!' Champ James Holzhauer Has To Pay In Taxes (It's A Lot)
–– Who gives a fuck, Alex?

Marilyn Monroe's Honeymoon Outfit Is Very Summer 2019
–– If you’ve been dead 56 years.

Selena Gomez and Paul Rudd Surprise Kids at a Children’s Hospital
–– With utter lack of charm.

Confronted with multiple errors in his new Trump book, a testy Michael Wolff says, 'You have to trust me'
–– ‘It takes a liar to catch a liar.’

Tony Awards winners: Hadestown dominates as Aaron Sorkin's To Kill A Mockingbird gets early nod
–– Viewers got early nod, deep sleep.

Bryan Cranston Tries to Leave 2019 Tony Awards During Hilarious Opener: 'I Am Bloated as Hell'
–– 'And I am not going to take it anymore.'

Bryan Cranston Wins His Second Tony Award: 'Finally, a Straight Old White Man Gets a Break!'
–– Amusing the straight old white man watching.

Billy Porter Rocks Uterus-Patterned Gown At The 2019 Tony Awards
–– Get ovum it.

Police: Man slashes Hell's Kitchen deli worker with machete
–– Brought own meat slicer.

‘Whitey’ Bulger Wrote Letters Praising Trump to a Juror Who Convicted Him
–– Extended professional courtesy.

Women of color call out Dictionary.com's 'offensive' definition of 'black': 'This needs to change'
–– Sue night for defamation.

Congresswoman Norma Torres Blasts 'Sex-Starved Males' on House Floor
–– Arouses members.

Hotel In Small-Town Michigan Offers Free Lodging To Women Traveling For Abortion
–– Lay over.

Hope Solo says Team USA coach Jill Ellis 'cracks under the pressure'
–– Hope's so low.

Former Florida Gators football captain charged with murder
–– Snapped up by law.

Ohio bakery awarded $11 million in libel lawsuit against Oberlin College over alleged racial profiling
–– How black and white cookie crumbles.

Adrian Beltre's number retirement ceremony provided one last chance for Elvis Andrus to touch his head
–– One under cap.

An Illinois man is sentenced to prison for ordering 42 pounds of marijuana-infused chocolate
–– Spokes-M&Ms held for questioning.

Michael Gove, British PM hopeful: 'I deeply regret' taking cocaine
–– Heaven nose.

Nicky Barnes, ‘Mr. Untouchable’ of Heroin Dealers, Is Dead at 78
–– Now pushing up daisies.

Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk Split After 4 Years Together
–– Shayk’s out.

Irina Shayk Smiles while Traveling to Iceland for Work Following Split from Bradley Cooper
–– Has less scrutable expression later same day.

Piers of the Realm
Week of 06/07/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Piers Morgan Interviews Trump: Churchill, Royal Family, "Nasty" Markle Comment, Brexit & More
–– Jury of his Piers.

Pelosi tells Dems she wants to see Trump ‘in prison’
–– Lock him down.

Trump lashes out at Pelosi over prison comment: 'She's a nasty, vindictive, horrible person'
–– Our Commender-in-Chief.

Trump lobs another insult at Pelosi aboard Air Force One
–– Backhanded.

Trump defends transgender military ban to Piers Morgan: ‘They take massive amounts of drugs’
–– 'When they remember I'm President.'

Initial findings on Gulf tanker attacks point to a 'state actor' but Iran not mentioned by name
–– Dakota Fanning suspected.

Trump tells French President Emmanuel Macron that Iran is an ‘undisputed champion of terror’
–– ‘Like Hulk Hamas or Muhammad Allahu Akhbar.’

Cheeky D-Day veteran, 93, tells Melania Trump: 'If only I was 20 years younger'
–– At ease, soldier!

‘It Went Perfect.' A 97-Year-Old D-Day Veteran Just Parachuted Into Normandy — Again
–– This time dodging media drones, news flack.

D-Day Remembrance: Trump Mixes Solemnity With Swipes at Mueller and Pelosi
–– Operation Overboard.

GOP Chair Claims D-Day Anniversary Should Be About 'Celebrating Our President'
–– Adirondack has right to own opinion.

Romney says he may decline to endorse Trump again
–– Demonstrating bravery of current greatest generation.

White House formally serves notice it will hit Mexico with tariffs Monday as talks drag on
–– Double fault.

“Real and Lasting Damage”: Wall Street Girds Its Loins for Trump’s Mexico Tariffs
–– And other cuts of beef.

U.S. Troops to Spend Month Painting Border Wall for “Aesthetic” Purposes
–– Trump thinks ‘festive colors’ will make Mexico want to pay for it.

Unusual symptoms pointing to brain cancer turned into something completely different
–– Plan to spend month painting border wall for “aesthetic” purposes.

Beyond Meat’s success may mean more fake food is on the way
–– And prosthetic weiners.

Astronomers Snap a Rare Picture of Two Baby Planets
–– ET-bitty.

Netflix’s Tales of the City Is Messy, Well-Meaning Pride Month Programming
–– Homofailure.

Biden Reverses Stance on Hyde Amendment, Citing Roe v. Wade
–– Can Roe, but can’t Hyde.

Body identified as missing Mouseketeer
–– Ears gave him away.

Scientists Can Save Schrödinger's Cat By Predicting Quantum Jumps
–– Thinking outside litterbox.

Trump tells NASA to stop talking about the Moon return his administration is pushing
–– Agency not over the moon.

Margot Robbie Defends Her Decision to Work with Quentin Tarantino: 'It Was My Lifelong Dream'
–– 'To be violated and ritually slain onscreen by a genius!

Trump Allows High-Tech U.S. Bomb Parts to Be Built in Saudi Arabia
–– And low-tech murders.

The Most Powerful Arab Ruler Isn’t M.B.S. It’s M.B.Z.
–– More Bull Shit.

House Intel Dem: 'The lizard brain that I have' hopes 'bad things happen' to Trump
–– Mammalian ones wish for same.

‘Most Prolific Serial Killer' In America Confesses To Murdering 5 More Women In Ohio
–– GOAT, suckers.

Lindsey Graham: Sure Trump Slanders My Dead Friend, but “When We Golf It’s Fun”
–– ‘I lie there on the green and he tries t’sink his balls in m’mouth.’

Judge orders key Mueller witness facing child porn charge be held in jail until trial
–– Youth detention?

‘Swamp Thing' gets canceled after airing a single episode
–– Gathered no moss.

1,000-year-old sarcophagus opened in Germany
–– You're darn Teuton.

Colorado couple: We were sickened at same Dominican Republic resort where 3 Americans died
–– According to our personal injury lawyer.

Dr. John, whose Hall of Fame career flowed from his New Orleans soul, dies
–– Night trippin’.

Trump administration cuts English classes, soccer and legal aid for migrant children at shelters
–– And insists we can't let in clumsy, inarticulate, law breakers.

Alex Rodriguez Admitted Years Ago That His 'Dream Date' Would Be with Jennifer Lopez
–– Mutually injecting roids from behind.

GoT’s Sophie Turner reveals Joe Jonas almost kissed her stunt double
–– In latest slang for left tit.

Leslie Jones Slams Sephora for Bad Customer Service Hours Before Stores Host Inclusion Training
–– What, they’re not 9 to 5?

Jennifer Lawrence Takes Summer Beauty Cues From Meghan Markle
–– Will first work on tan.

Chris Evans Slams 'Homophobic' Men Organising A 'Straight Pride' Parade, Is Everybody's Hero Again
–– aka Goy Pride Day.

Tomi Lahren Rips Critics of ‘Straight Pride Parade': ‘Open Season on Straight White Men’
–– And dumb white women.

Here’s the Real Deal With Those Prince William and Kate Middleton Affair Rumors
–– From barely literate intern web surfing 6,000 miles away.

Entertainment Weekly Will Go Monthly
–– Retitled Entertainment Meekly.

46 ice cream trucks are being seized in a New York City crackdown
–– Serving traffic cones.

Woman says she was kicked out of Golden Corral because of her crop top: 'I never wanna wear that shirt again'
–– Customers: ‘Yippe-ei-o!’

Ja Rule still thinks Fyre Festival was a good idea
–– Ja rule of dumb.

Ex-Trump lawyer Michael Cohen 'loving' prison life, 'hates' the food: source
–– Happy to be with own kind.

Priest faces backlash for asking women to dress modestly at mass: ‘You can’t be serious’
–– ‘I mean Mary Magdalene was a slut.’

Pregnant McDonald's employee slapped by customer because order 'was made wrong'
–– Asked if she wanted small fries with that.

University of Alabama spurns $21.5 million from donor critical of abortion law
–– Because Alabamans will need to get even dumber to accept bans.

Alabama mayor defends Facebook post on ‘killing out’ LGBTQ people, socialists and ‘baby killers’
–– 'It's not like I said 'killing off'!'

Alabama bill would compel sex offenders to pay for chemical castration
–– Free DIY gelding kits also available.

Herd of Opal-encrusted Dinosaurs Discovered in Australian Outback
–– Fabulousaurs.

Doctors’ organization: calling abortion bans 'fetal heartbeat bills' is misleading
–– Tickered off.

Nicolas Cage granted divorce from Erika Koike after seeking annulment due to 'intoxication'
–– Leaving lost wages.

Cage fight! We pit Godzilla's monster squad against pop culture's biggest and baddest
–– Our money’s on Nic!

Miley Cyrus Posted A Photo Of Her Licking A Cake, And The Original Baker Is Accusing Her Of Stealing The Design
–– Singer submits exculpatory evidence she has no control over tongue.

Tracy Morgan gets in a crash right after buying a $2 million Bugatti
–– Walmart swears other driver never even shopped in store.

Jussie Smollett Not Returning to 'Empire,' Says Lee Daniels
–– Looking for work in bleach ads.

Kraft Heinz is in trouble. How bad could it get?
–– 57 varieties of awful.

Jenny Slate to Address Island Graduating Class of One
–– Poor kid will have no way to hide yawns.

Sealed FBI audio tapes allege Martin Luther King Jr. had affairs with 40 women and watched while a friend raped a woman, a report claims
–– I have a nightmare.

The truth is out there: FBI releases its file on Bigfoot
–– Spicy bits with MLK redacted.

Paul Manafort to Be Sent to Rikers, Where He Will be Held in Isolation
–– Stories inspiring America.

AOC calls solitary confinement 'torture' after learning Manafort will be sent to jail in her district
–– We wish.

No earplugs or outdoor exercise for you, judge tells El Chapo, citing prison rules and drug lord's past escapes
–– And no soup!

Outgoing White House economist says tariffs and deficits are bad for America
–– So he did learn something.

Lost Lewis Chessman worth over $1 million found in drawer
–– Someone got rooked.

Monty Python's Michael Palin says immigration has done the country ‘an enormous amount of good’
–– And now for something completely obvious.

Mindy Kaling Doesn’t Mind You Shipping Her and B.J. Novak
–– To Borneo.

‘Purged’ North Korean diplomat Kim Yong Chol appears in state media
–– Looks like he lost few pounds.

North Korea's famed Mass Games put on pause after Kim Jong Un criticism
–– Replaced with Mass Murder Games.

Up to 25 cups of coffee a day still safe for heart health, study says
–– According to Toilet Paper Council.

Ellen Page And Wife Go Artfully Topless To Celebrate Pride Month
–– Don't get off their chests.

Trump tweet about Kate Middleton topless resurfaces amid Buckingham Palace visit
–– Just as melon is served.

The Queen will personally inspect every detail of Trump’s lavish state banquet
–– Will spit clean Trump’s utensils.

Donald Trump promised the Queen he wouldn't reveal what they discussed during state visit
–– Like he was listening.

Trump: May's probably a better negotiator than me
–– And she fucked up so bad she was forced from office.

Trump supporter hit by milkshake amid chants of "Nazi scum off our streets"
–– A malt and battery.

Melania Trump ridiculed for 'cabin crew' outfit as she lands in UK for state visit
–– Though she couldn't instruct President how to buckle seat belt.

Trump tells UK he 'wouldn't pay' $50 billion Brexit divorce bill
–– Asks to see prenup.

Trump Family Is 'American Royalty,' Trump Friend Tells Brits
–– Like the Kongs.

Trump trip II: No happy ending for May
–– She should just refuse his massage.

Eric and Donald Trump Jr. embark on Irish pub crawl
–– Like worms do.

Governors Ball Festival Site Evacuated as Severe Weather Hits New York
–– Total Ball-breaker.

A massive cruise ship slammed into a tour boat, then crashed into a crowded dock
–– In long-delayed Speed 2 promo.

Meet the drag queens and kings with Down syndrome
–– We dare you to make joke.

Buttigieg: I wouldn’t have pressured Franken to resign
–– Franken sense demur.

Frank Lucas, Former Kingpin Portrayed by Denzel Washington in ‘American Gangster,’ Dies at 88
–– Smack down.

Italy to evict Steve Bannon’s academy from monastery
–– Will return lease to less dangerous Hydra.

‘I’m not a Bernie Bro': Sanders' base splinters in California
–– Like old bones.

Bernie Sanders: I Know Where I Came From. Does President Trump?
–– Proud he can remember.

Protester grabs Kamala Harris' microphone at San Francisco forum
–– Clear case of Harrisment.

Hickenlooper booed for saying socialism isn't the answer
–– That’s not gonna play in Caracas…oh, where, San Francisco?

Accused Virginia Beach Shooter Wished Co-Worker a ‘Good Day’ Before the Rampage
–– Killer sarcasm.

Mulvaney: 'Let's not get too deep into politics too soon' after shooting
–– You sure, Mick? Shooter wasn’t white.

Shanahan: USS John McCain request made directly to Seventh Fleet
–– Loose lips stink ships.

Philippines President Duterte has apparently come out as ex-gay during speech; kisses women on stage to prove he’s ‘cured’
–– Duterte dancing.

Elton John, ‘Rocketman’ Filmmakers Blast Russia’s Censorship of Sex Scenes
–– Nyet back, honkey cat.