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Saved By Dumbbell
Week of 03/29/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Mueller Finds No Trump-Russia Conspiracy but Stops Short of Exonerating President on Obstruction
–– Gives up 22-month search for own ass with both hands.

How much did the Mueller report cost?
–– In years off our lives?

Barr Clears Trump of Obstruction After Mueller Demurs
–– In latest slang for ‘shits bed.’

Democrats Skeptical After Trump’s Attorney General Exonerates Him
–– In latest slang for ‘out of their fuckin’ minds.’

Republicans block U.S. Senate Democrats' move on making Mueller report public
–– Will put in safe with Trump tax return.

Mueller Report Exceeds 300 Pages, Raising Questions About Four-Page Summary
–– Or two-panel cartoon version given to president. Panel #1: No Collusion (Happy Face). Panel #2: No Obstruction (Really Happy Face.)

Trump lawyer Giuliani says Mueller report 'better than I expected'
–– ‘I mean, he’s totally guilty, as you know.’

Russia claims Mueller report vindicates what it ‘knew all along’ about Trump’s relationship with Moscow
–– ‘We leave no witness.’

Cable Spins Mueller Report In Clashing Ways: ‘Witch Hunt Over’ To ‘Not The End'
–– ‘Not the end’, was plea of bent-over nation.

George Conway Mocks Sarah Huckabee Sanders' Exoneration Claim: 'You Misspelled' That
–– Like witches sometimes do

Donald Trump Campaign Celebrates Mueller Report With New 'Witch Hunt' Merch
–– Includes custom Kellyanne, Sarah-style broomsticks.

Trump’s Shamelessness Was Outside Mueller’s Jurisdiction
–– Or God’s.

Steve Bannon: Trump will 'go full animal' against enemies with Mueller probe over
–– So far has just been half ass.

Trump: 'America is the greatest place on Earth'
–– We’ll put that on nation’s gravestone.

She told them leggings were too suggestive, so they wore them in protest
–– Taking stand.

Bride busted for embezzling $93K for her wedding gown and a butt lift
–– Cheeky.

Former 'Bachelor' contestant Kendall Long defends her taxidermy obsession: 'I've never killed anything'
–– British fans: ‘Get stuffed.’

Trump: I've helped Puerto Rico more than 'any living human being,' alleges officials misspending funds
–– He's Roberto Clemente of paper towels.

2 female elephants die days apart after testing positive for herpesvirus at Indianapolis Zoo
–– Creepy keeper Karl starts on medication.

Nicolas Cage files for an annulment just four days after marrying
–– Boy, that was some bender.

Forget everything you remember about BlackBerry
–– Please let us cling to cruel laughter.

Linda McMahon plans to resign as SBA administrator
–– Won't be pinned down.

A United Airlines flight was diverted after a strong odor left passengers feeling ill
–– Emotional-support pig had consumed twelve vegetarian meals.

California Man Sentenced to 20 Years in Fatal "Swatting" Over 'Call of Duty' Dispute
–– SWAT you'd expect.

British Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit agreement fails for a third time
–– Strikes out on own.

Famous civil rights group suffers from 'systemic culture of racism and sexism,' staffers say
–– Two.

Sony Sells Crackle Majority Stake to Chicken Soup for the Soul
–– And won’t rename Cracklin’ Chicken?

The Texas attorney general is investigating San Antonio for banning Chick-fil-A from its airport
–– Trying to identify zoning board members with taste.

El Chapo's family hopes to fashion a clothing line with drug lord's brand
–– Including roomy Smuggle Vests, mules.

Agnes Varda, Leading Light of French New Wave, Dies at 90
–– Fin girl.

Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan steps down suddenly
–– Millions of fake accounts, billions in fines: his work is done.

Jared Kushner interviewed by Senate Intelligence Committee
–– On his lack thereof.

Donald Trump Is Glad the U.S. Is Not Being Powered by Wind 'Because It Only Blows Sometimes'
–– Unlike him.

Pro-gun Americans Target New Zealanders Who Handed in Their Weapons after Mosque Massacre: ‘What Kind of Man Are You?’
–– One not compensating for micro penis with AR-15?

Cats Should Be Killed to Save Earth's Most Endangered Species From Extinction, Scientists Say
–– Or just because they’re cats.

Scientists find Civil War-era fortifications buried under Alcatraz prison
–– Built in case Rebs wandered 3000 miles west.

Why Pedestrian Deaths Are At A 30-Year High
–– Google answer while driving or crossing street.

Trump demands Schiff 'be forced to resign from Congress'
–– Good ol’ Schiff-for-brains.

Olivia Jade's Trademark Application Rejected Over Incorrect Punctuation
–– From Schadenfreude Files.

Deus Ex Machina: Religions Use Robots to Connect With the Public
–– C’mon, WSJ made up story just for that headline.

Wow Air ceases operations, leaving passengers stranded
–– Just…Wow.

Trump administration charges Facebook with 'discriminatory' housing advertising practices
–– What, not enough Trump property listings?

Lewinsky: 'If. f***ing. only.' Clinton had received the same treatment as Trump when Starr report was finished
–– Poor thing doesn’t understand hummer far more serious than subverting democracy.

Brunei to punish gay sex and adultery with death by stoning
–– Sultan of swat.

Steve Bannon predicts 'very vitriolic' year
–– From his mouth to clod's ear.

DeVos grilled over proposed Special Olympics cuts
–– And mandated steel death match competitions.

Kennedy says DeVos' proposal to cut Special Olympics funding is 'cruel' and 'misguided'
–– ‘And, well, lame.’

Ex-FBI director confused by Mueller's obstruction decision
–– Proving he’s human.

Hubble spots mysterious, huge ‘Dark Spot’ forming on Neptune
–– Planet showing age.

President Trump suggests Obama White House was behind collusion probe
–– They did totally eff it up.

Modi declares India 'space superpower' as satellite downed by missile
–– Self Darth Modi.

A 6-year-old girl fell asleep on a school bus and woke up alone at a McDonald's: 'She could've been killed'
–– Eating that food.

Keri Russell Reveals 'Star Wars: Episode IX' Character Has "The Coolest Costume"
–– Disney so pissed at spoiler.

Almost 40,000 children will be taken into federal custody this month, US border official says
–– Grinning maniacally.

Stormy Daniels’ ex-lawyer Michael Avenatti arrested for alleged $20 million extortion scheme against Nike, embezzling client’s money, defrauding bank
–– Just doodoo it.

Is Michael Avenatti Any Worse Than Many Hollywood Lawyers?
–– That's hurdle worms could clear.

USA Today: Barbara Bush no longer considered herself a Republican after Trump became President, book says
–– Though grateful Junior was not longer worst.

Trump Taps Jon Voight, Mike Huckabee for Kennedy Center Board
–– Because James Woods, Roseanne Barr, Alex Jones, haven't yet been honored.

Prayer closet left standing after tornado demolishes rest of home. 'My God is awesome!'
–– Will need to add toilet, bed, stove.

Paleontologists discover 'Scotty,' the world's largest T. rex fossil: 'The rex of rexes'
–– ‘We rex our case.’

Maduro blames 'terrorists' as new blackout grips Venezuela
–– Being hard on self, Cabinet.

Ocasio-Cortez’s ‘green New Deal’ blocked by Senate Republicans
–– All of inexperienced freshman’s deals are green.

Cardi B responds to backlash over her drugging, robbing men
–– Like Cos B?

Biden criticizes 'white man's culture' as he talks violence against women
–– Looks to South Asia, Africa for male guidance in treatment of women.

Tony Romo Reportedly Wants $10M a Year to Stay with CBS Sports as NFL Analyst
–– Expects suits to roll out of pocket.

Jussie Smollett's lawyers say charges against him have been dropped
–– Exonerated, surprisingly, by Mueller Report.

Jussie Smollett: Actor ordered to pay $130,000 to cover police time
–– Donut bill alone $27,000.

Chicago mayor: "Mr. Smollett is still saying he is innocent. How dare him?"
–– Him not remorseful.

Commentator Andrew Sullivan Jeered at Hollywood Inclusion Event
–– And he’s not even straight old white guy.

‘The View’ Book: Rosie O’Donnell Reveals Secret Crush on Elisabeth Hasselbeck
–– Would sit painfully on lap.

Purdue Pharma and Sacklers Reach $275 Million Settlement in Opioid Lawsuit
–– The Oxy morons.

Museums Cut Ties With Sacklers as Outrage Over Opioid Crisis Grows
–– Sounds painful.

Kamala Harris says older Democratic leaders need to know when to ‘pass the baton’
–– To new also-rans.

Game of Thrones dragons: how easily can Drogon and Rhaegal be killed - and could Daenerys hatch more?
–– And how long would she have to sit on eggs?

A boxer kissed the female reporter interviewing him. He says they're friends. She says it was embarrassing
–– Wet jab to the kisser.

First All-Female Spacewalk Aborted Due to Ill-Fitting Suit
–– Judge Nina García: 'It was a complete disaster, she looked like Buzz Aldrin in a caftan.'

Yale rescinds admission of a student whose family paid $1.2 million to get her in
–– And returns cash?

Eat, Pray, Love Author Finds Love Again After Girlfriend's Death with Late Partner's Close Friend
–– Eat, Pray, Overshare.

‘Masked Singer' winner T-Pain first deemed show 'probably the stupidest thing' he'd heard
–– Which is what show said about him.

Russian pilot's special relationship with rescued bear
–– BJ and the bear.

Seven questions AIPAC attendees should ask of Democratic presidential wannabes
–– 3) Is it all about the Benjamin Netanyahus?

Elizabeth Hurley Is Back in a Safety Pin Dress
–– Ready soon for adult diaper.

A mysterious syndrome that makes marijuana users violently ill is starting to worry doctors
–– Who are therefore chilling with edibles.

Former New Line Co-Chairman Michael Lynne Dies at 77
–– Lynne dead, grave.

‘Us’ Box Office: Jordan Peele Becomes a Brand-Name Draw
–– Has B.O. aPeele.

Jordan Peele on Making Movies After 'Us': "I Don't See Myself Casting a White Dude as the Lead"
–– Woody Allen: ’Ditto!’

Larry Cohen, Writer-Director of 'It's Alive' and 'Hell Up in Harlem,' Dies at 77
–– Booked in big grindhouse in sky.

DJ Khaled Says Son Asahd Executive Producing His Next Album
–– Must pass Asahd test.

Avocado recall in 6 states over listeria concerns
–– Took guac on the wild side.

Krispy Kreme owners admit to family history of Nazi ties
–– Bavarian creams reputation.

German family to give $11M after hearing extent of Nazi past
–– In donut holes.

Diana Ross Defends ‘Magnificent’ Michael Jackson, Telling Critics to ‘Stop in the Name of Love’
–– Apparently Jackson couldn’t.

Shoppers report seeing a ghost roaming the aisles of a Massachusetts grocery store
–– Up and down liquor aisle.

Robert Kraft Speaks Up About Massage Parlor Scandal: 'I'm Truly Sorry'
–– Doesn’t sound like Happy Ending.

Dr. Dre Brags About Daughter Getting Into USC 'On Her Own' After $70 Million Donation
–– She hand-delivered check.

Wi-Fi on Planes? A ‘Disaster,’ Says Bernard-Henri Lévy.
–– No, clicking on ‘Boeing 737 Max 8’ while going down’s a disaster.

Investigators believe Boeing anti-stall system was activated in Ethiopian crash: Report
–– Or pro-stall system?

Stop Calling Asian Women Adorable
–– Easy with this one.

Mueller Lite
Week of 03/22/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Special counsel Robert Mueller ends investigation
–– Drops report, ball.

Shaq is joining Papa John's board of directors
–– Replacing Pepe the Frog.

James Comey says he hopes Trump will not be impeached after Mueller report
–– We pray he's not reelected in landslide.

Man arrested for keeping an 86-inch flat-screen TV that was mailed to his home by mistake
–– Claims he threw out envelope with return address.

Should Sex Work Be Decriminalized? Some Activists Say It's Time
–– While levying boner tax.

Dow falls 460 points as US recession indicator flashes red
–– Like altimeter on Boeing 737 Max 8.

Trump Reverses North Korea Sanctions That U.S. Imposed Yesterday
–– Is foolish consistency really hobgoblin of small minds?

Trump will nominate former campaign adviser Stephen Moore to Federal Reserve
–– Scrooge McDuck apparently unavailable.

‘Game of Thrones' Fans Noticed a Spoiler-y Parallel Between Tyrion and Tywin Lannister
–– Before lithium kicked in.

Kit Harington sought therapy after Jon Snow's death and resurrection
–– Winter is calming.

Barbra Streisand says of Michael Jackson accusers: 'It didn't kill them'
–– Gives PED talk.

Pompeo says God may have sent Trump to save Israel from Iran
–– 'God's the red one with cloven hooves and tail, right?'

Netflix Developing Modern 'Three Musketeers' Movie With Writer Harrison Query
–– There's no Dumas descendent who could copyright this material and spare us?

Glacier melt on Everest exposes the bodies of dead climbers
–– Like walnuts in bowl of Chunky Monkey.

Baseball-Team mates weep as Ichiro, baseball's most prolific hitter, retires at 45
–– Wasabi at goodbye sushi dinner way hot.

Fox News contributor called ‘complete moron’ for falsely saying US was first to end slavery
–– Fancification Proclamation.

Acting Pentagon chief is facing an ethics investigation over charges of Boeing bias
–– Boeing for dollars.

Amy Schumer on Why She Publicly Revealed Her Husband Has Autism Spectrum Disorder
–– When we’ve so come to expect discretion from her.

People Are Making Easter Egg Trees, And They're Basically The Spring Version Of Christmas Trees
–– They don't spring from hen’s hoo-ha?

Woman randomly punched in head in Crown Heights, Brooklyn
–– Slam chance.

Jimmy Carter has just become the oldest living former president ever
–– Trump the dumbest.

Doomed Boeing Jets Lacked 2 Safety Features That Company Sold Only as Extras
–– Companies did spring for deluxe solar-powered cup holders.

Lawmaker says Hope Hicks has 'seen things'
–– Has pee pee tape GIF on phone.

Justice Clarence Thomas asked a question for the first time in 3 years -- here's why
–– Intern forgot sugar in coffee.

Democrats are taking reparations seriously -- and that's a big deal
–– Republicans love what they hear.

Cory Booker Says Rosario Dawson "Has Taught Me a Lot of Lessons About Love"
–– Had to adopt new positions.

Booker says he is 'blessed' to be with Rosario Dawson
–– And she’s lucky for supporting role after Netflix canceled Marvel shows.

Dean Cain defends 'Egg Boy' tweet after backlash: 'You perpetuate violence,' you 'will reap the repercussions'
–– Cain unable.

NFL MVP quarterback Patrick Mahomes signs historic deal with Oakley: 'We both strive to be the best'
–– Shady deal.

Infamous serial killer 'Jack the Ripper' identified through DNA testing, study claims
–– They don’t know Jack.

Reagan’s daughter says he'd be ‘heartbroken’ over state of the country and GOP
–– Sad about number of welfare queens, crushed Republicans can't hide racism.

R. Kelly's lawyer will request permission to travel to Dubai via private jet for concerts
–– With stopover in Riyadh for tips on removing accusers.

Man who changed his name to Michael Jackson wants to revert it in wake of documentary claims
–– To R. Kelly.

High school students caught circulating list on social media that ranked female classmates by looks
–– Off with their heads…down there.

Deadpool will be the 'only Fox X-Men character' not to be rebooted by Disney
–– Should just be booted.

Rachel Ingalls, Rediscovered Author of ‘Mrs. Caliban,’ Dies at 78
–– Goodnight, Mrs. Caliban…wherever you are.

May Requests Brexit Delay From E.U. as U.K. Government Remains in Crisis
–– Masochist May seeks to prolong agony.

U.K. Gets Brief Extension To Withdraw From EU As 'Cliff-Edge' Date Delayed
–– Will Parliament fall for that?

Is Betomania Real or Phony?
–– Drop the mania.

‘Peppa Pig' is sexist, London Fire Brigade says
–– Assaut 'n' Peppa?

It just became easier for employers to dump retirees' pensions
–– Trump Administration promises CEOs droit de seigneur covering former workers' granddaughters.

Hundreds of hotel guests were secretly filmed and live-streamed online
–– At Motel Sex.

Jamie Dimon: The US economy has been 'fundamentally anti-poor'
–– Informing .001% of population that didn’t know.

See Trump's reaction when Bolsonaro uses term 'fake news'
–– Popped a Trumpy.

Her son died. And then anti-vaxers attacked her
–– Vax populi.

Psychic Mediums Are the New Wellness Coaches
–– Rare medium: 'Well done!'

Former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan joins board of Fox Corporation
–– Steps up from employee position.

Wright, now an adviser with Mets, points to team chemistry
–– Like middle school lab that smells of sulphur.

Cubs found along road in northern California illegally separated from mom, officials say
–– Mama bear held in border detention center with Hondurans.

Chelsea Clinton berated by students blaming her 'rhetoric' for causing New Zealand shootings
–– Because psycho supremacist gunman actually inspired by anti-anti-Semitism.

Donald Trump Jr defends Chelsea Clinton after students blame her for Christchurch mosque terror attack
–– With friends like that who needs animus?

Trump’s likely pick for Pentagon job makes 'trains run on time.' Can he do much more?
–– Or does he have one-track mind?

SEC says Musk's contempt defense 'borders on the ridiculous'
–– Drove himself to it.

Elizabeth Warren calls to remove Confederate monuments ‘and put them in museums where they belong’
–– Places only art is hung.

Warren backs congressional plan for reparations study
–– If budget's in black.

Pete Buttigieg is the hottest candidate in the 2020 race right now
–– Which is comment on field, isn’t it?

Joy Villa Wears "F— Planned Parenthood" Gown at Anti-Abortion Movie Premiere
–– Villa deteste.

Indicted Oligarch Dmytro Firtash Praises Paul Manafort, Says Trump Has Third-Grade Smarts
–– Third grade must be pretty bad in Ukraine.

Michael Cohen’s Emails Were Sought by Special Counsel in July 2017, Documents Show
–– Considered asking Russia for them.

Why a former hate group member started to think differently
–– Or think.

Quentin Tarantino's 'Once Upon a Time in Hollywood' Debuts Poster
–– Tag line is ‘The 9th Film From Quentin Tarantino’, but who’s counting, Really, who?

Supreme Court agrees to take up DC sniper case
–– Because irredeemable ghoul deserves more attention, tax dollars.

How 34 recorded phone calls helped prosecutors bring down the college admissions scam
–– How 34,000 texts failed to bring down presidential scam.

JK Rowling is facing a backlash over the Dumbledore/Grindelwald gay relationship reveal
–– Shouldn't kiss and spell.

Kellyanne Conway's husband is trying to tell the public Trump is mentally ill. She doesn't agree
–– She’s victim of Schlockhome syndrome.

Trump weighs in on Conways' marriage in escalation of feud with top aide's husband
–– Conway Twittery.

Trump Has Two Words for Kellyanne Conway’s Husband: ‘Total Loser’
–– And what do we call wife of 'total loser?' Melania.

Daily low-dose aspirin no longer recommended as heart attack preventative for older adults
–– Major headache for Bayer.

Investigators find 'similarities' between Ethiopian and Lion Air crashes, official says
–– Gravity named ‘force of interest.’

Young Richard Nixon was an 'opportunist'
–– Mature Richard Nixon was a ‘sociopath.’

Rationed Bullets, Worthless Money: Tough Times for Venezuelan Thugs
–– Except ones in presidential palace.

Man will be charged in killing of reputed Gambino crime boss Francesco 'Frank' Cali, New York police say
–– Hit pinch?

Reputed crime boss' killing doesn't appear to be mob-related, source says
–– Just a ‘happy effin’ coincedence.’

Suspect in mob boss hit flashes pro-Trump slogans on hand
–– Unwise guy.

W.S. Merwin, Poet of Life’s Evanescence, Dies at 91
–– Evanesces.

Fan who broke Bryce Harper news to Phillies manager died in Ethiopian airline crash
–– And another passenger was fan convinced Harper is jerk.

A.J. Hinch suspended one game over Angel Hernandez dustup
–– Angel dust up?

Disney Rehires James Gunn to Direct Guardians of the Galaxy 3 Months After Controversial Firing
–– Reloaded.

Marvel directors react to Disney's rehiring of James Gunn
–– Fire off tweets.

Michael Jackson's daughter says it "isn't her role" to defend him
–– Lucky her.

Louis Vuitton Pulls Production of Michael Jackson-Specific Pieces in Fall Collection
–– Like kids’ velcro trapdoor pjs.

Sam Smith says 'I’m not a man, I’m not a woman, I’m just me.
–– He’s not talented, he’s not untalented, he’s just meh.

‘When Calls The Heart’ Will Continue On Hallmark, Channel Assures Fans
–– Should hang up.

Trump again punts on white supremacy after New Zealand attacks
–– Kicks can of whupass down road.

Kellyanne Conway Says 'Shut Up And Pray' After New Zealand Massacre
–– ‘Like neo-Nazi has gun to your Muslim head.’

Mulvaney defends Trump in the wake of New Zealand attacks, 'The President is not a white supremacist'
–– ‘Just a white superiorist.’

Assault rifles to be banned in New Zealand in aftermath of massacre, Prime Minister announces
–– NRA sees error of ways and supports similar ban in U.S. then…wait, wait, where am I… is that toast burning?…

New Zealanders turn in guns as Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern promises tighter restrictions
–– Keep Morgul-blades in case of Orc attack.

Trump Threatens ‘SNL’ With Federal Investigation Because They Mock Him
–– As he mocks justice.

Trump Renews Attacks on John McCain, Months After Senator’s Death
–– Raising McCain.

Meghan McCain To Trump: 'No One Will Ever Love You The Way They Loved My Father'
–– Fifteen years in POW camp might help.

'Mistake' for Trump to criticize McCain: Graham
–– Like new girlfriend dissing dead one.

#MAGA Church: The Doomsday Prophet Who Says the Bible Predicted Trump
–– Dumbsday Prophet.

Dick Dale, Surf Rock Guitarist, Dies at 81
–– Wave goodbye.

Richard Erdman, Actor in 'Stalag 17' and TV's 'Community,' Dies at 93
–– Remains placed in Community chest.

Jeb Bush reveals what he whispered to brother during funeral
–– ‘I got more from Dad than you.’

Meet the man who dyes the Chicago River green for St. Patrick's Day
–– With pub-goers' vomit.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Returning to Fox, Nat Geo Following Investigation
–– Touching conclusion.

’Flintstones House' angers neighborhood
–– Violates Bedrock principles.

Beto O’Rourke Is 46. Bernie Sanders is 77. Does Age Matter Anymore for Democrats?
–– If they’re not senile.

She Extols Trump, Guns and the Chinese Communist Party Line
–– Happy Ending means rubbing out dissidents.

Kangaroo attacks a paraglider when he lands
–– Grew agitated seeing emu fly.

Man shot after he allegedly robbed the Bellagio and tried to steal a car in valet
–– Ocean’s 0.

Blind runner, guide dog trio to make history in NYC Half Marathon
–– Third dog drives Uber.

Beto O'Rourke apologizes for jokes about wife, says he has benefited from 'white privilege'
–– Offers to submit to chemical castration.

By No Means No
Week of 03/15/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Issues First Veto After Congress Rejects Border Emergency
–– Triggering Rational Emergency.

Brexit: MPs reject Theresa May's deal by 149 votes
–– May be ‘Not!’

Meet the 12 GOP senators who voted to terminate Trump’s national emergency
–– Share one spine.

Trump says 'there should be no Mueller report' in furious rant, as president escalates campaign to undermine Russia investigation
–– Threatens embargo on toner cartridges in DC.

Trump opens sage grouse habitat to oil and gas drilling
–– Unwise grouse wins.

Bernie Sanders stays on the stump after receiving stitches for head wound
–– Hopefully won't fall off again.

Donald Trump Twice Kisses Nancy Pelosi on the Cheek at the Capitol: 'He Views Her as Strong'
–– Would be ass if he really admired.

Actress nearly turned down 'Waterboy' role
–– Should've been sidelined.

Mike Krzyzewski: Nike's Top People Oversaw Making of Zion Williamson's New Shoes
–– Tongues hanging out.

The SEC is accusing Volkswagen and its former CEO of 'massive fraud'
–– Regulators Bug out.

Polish Church says 382 minors abused by clergy from 1990-2018
–– And 1356 miners.

Woman panhandling for her 'baby' had $500 purse and new iPhone X, according to police
–– Baby only had HTC ChaCha.

Beto O'Rourke To CBS's Gayle King: 'I've Got Experience' For 2020 Presidency
–– Binge-watched Veep.

In Beto O’Rourke’s Announcement, His Wife’s Silence Stands Out
–– Yeah, why didn’t she explain her platform.

Trump on Beto O'Rourke: 'Lot of hand movement...Is he crazy or just the way he acts?'
–– Causes a flap.

Rosario Dawson Confirms She’s Dating Presidential Contender Cory Booker: ‘So Far, So Wonderful’
–– Spare us Cory details.

R. Kelly sex tapes: from duffel bag to national circulation
–– You don’t want to see what else was in bag.

Right-wing Australian senator blames ‘immigration’ for New Zealand mosque attacks
–– Evil ‘aliens’ overwhelmed sick fuck’s brain.

The mass shooting in New Zealand was designed to spread on social media
–– World desperately needs anti-viral cure.

Facebook, YouTube and Twitter struggle to deal with New Zealand shooting video
–– Was awful lot of hits.

Why You Want to Eat This Baby Up: It’s Science
–– Cannibalology.

Graham blocks vote for public release of Mueller report
–– Ooh, that bad little boy gets extra spanky tonight in oval office.

HBO, John Varvatos Collaborate on 'Game of Thrones' Menswear Capsule
–– Will consumers swallow?

Aamir Khan Sets up ‘Forrest Gump’ Remake in India
–– ‘My mama always said life was like a box of nankhatai.’

Michael Bennett on Patriots Trade: Bill Belichick Is the 'Yoda of Football'
–– In terms of squat, ugly, unintelligible gurus.

Dick’s Sporting Goods removes guns and ammo from 125 stores
–– Move not at all Dickish.

Noah Syndergaard on the Odell Beckham Jr. trade: 'I don't know what the Giants are doing'
–– Kinda like Mets that way.

‘Billions,’ ‘Succession’ and the Making of Wealth Porn
–– We need more poverty smut.

Tesla’s Model Y is coming, but has this Model 3 owner's yearning been fulfilled?
–– Or has his 3rd model’s this week?

Tesla Model Y: Elon Musk's second electric SUV is here
–– Y?

Frank Cali, Reputed Gambino Family Mafia Boss, Shot Dead In Staten Island
–– Fatal dose of Staten’s.

10 things to know about the $4.7 trillion Trump budget
–– 10) There’s $45 bil contingency for additional pain, suffering to poor.
9) Designated ‘greatest budget ever submitted to Congress’ by Executive Order.
8) 1 in 4.7 trillion odds of passing.
7) $6 bil for hair care non-negotiable.
6) Military allocation determined by taking all weapons requests and multiplying by 6, total number of service branches (including Space Force, Trumptorian Guard.)
5) Cyber-security section includes handy dollars-to-rubles conversion table.
4) $1.5 bil to ‘Keep America Great’ fund isn’t what you think.
3) No collusion.
2) Jared did math.
1) Numbers don’t add up.

How Trump wants to whack Medicare and Medicaid spending
–– Whack-by-mole.

Trump’s budget request slashes retirement benefits for 2 million federal workers
–– Offset by Trump Tower commemorative plates reading ‘Thank You For Your Service.’

Boeing Works to Manage a Crisis With Unknown Costs
–– Needs crash course.

Wall Street Journal: Software fix to Boeing 737 Max 8 planes delayed in part by government shutdown
–– Process hit wall.

Boeing Promised Pilots a 737 Software Fix Last Year, but They’re Still Waiting
–– Instrument panels just show spinning beachball.

For Larger Customers, Eating Out Is Still a Daunting Experience
–– Because when they sit around restaurant, they really sit around.

Gov. Newsom will halt executions in California
–– You win some, you Newsom.

NIH and experts call for global moratorium on editing human embryos
–– Stet of siege.

Tebow undeterred by move to Minors
–– Or under turd?

Paul Manafort sentenced to total of 7.5 years in prison
–– Should be out in time to run Don Jr.’s presidential campaign.

New York Charges Manafort With 16 Crimes. If He’s Convicted, Trump Can’t Pardon Him.
–– Unless he belches loudly at sentencing.

Trump says he 'feels badly' for Manafort after sentencing, new charges
–– Reaches for genitals awkwardly, misses.

Britney Spears music coming to Broadway
–– Elmo impersonator singing Oops!… I Did it Again?

Kate Middleton wears Melania Trump's infamous Gucci p***y-bow blouse
–– Looks like a twat.

Woman allegedly killed daughter to keep her from having sex
–– Necrophiliac pedophiles ‘intrigued.’

Trump — After Reportedly Denying Saying 'Tim Apple' — Tweets That He Said It 'to Save Time & Words'
–– Apple turnover.

Trump’s conservative judges begin takeover of federal appeals courts
–– Expect bench-clearing brawl.

Olivia Newton-John Recalls Her 'Magic' 'Grease' Screen Test With John Travolta
–– And co-star’s disappearing hairline.

American Airlines kicked bachelorette party off flight to Mexico because the bride's mother 'looked drunk'
–– Hard to study eyes when braless, shirt over head.

Michael Cohen's attorney sends letter clarifying pardon testimony
–– In latest slang for ’muddying.’

Democratic senator says Biden 'all but certain' he'll run in 2020
–– Even if he can barely walk.

Which European city is the most affordable to visit?
–– Which wasn’t SSR.

Tucker Carlson refuses to apologize to "mob" for Bubba the Love Sponge comments
–– Should’ve sucked it up.

Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman among dozens charged in college bribery scheme
–– Desperate Housewives Foul House.

William H Macy Called Daughter’s College Application Process ‘Stressful’ Months Before Admissions Fraud Scandal
–– You betcha’.

David Mamet Defends Felicity Huffman For “Unfortunate” Role In Elite College Bribery Scandal
–– American buffaloed?

"I Am Sorry," Says Son of Accused College Cheater Jane Buckingham
–– Original quote: ”I em surry.’

Lori Loughlin's Influencer Daughter Could Be "Radioactive" for Brands After Scandal
–– Olivia Jade: “What evs, but, like, who wants to be on radio anyways?”

WTF, Olivia Jade Was on the USC Board of Trustees Chairman’s YACHT When the Cheating Scandal Broke
–– Totally Jaded.

Lori Loughlin and Her Husband Are 'Finding Out Who Their Real Friends Are' Amid Scandal: Source
–– May need to but new ones.

Really Smart Guy' Mark Riddell Who Aced Exams for Teens in College Admissions Scandal Speaks Out
–– ‘It’s like I got a proctorscopy.’

More than 12,000 cases of Pillsbury flour recalled over salmonella concerns
–– Doughboy rushed to hospital.

Nancy Pelosi: 'I'm not for impeachment,' slams Trump as 'not worth it'
–– But aren’t we?

How to Make Sex More Dangerous
–– Show us, show us!

Winklevoss twins on their bitcoin bet: 'Money is the oldest social network'
–– Expect twin kill loss.

‘It would ultimately come down to the use of force': What would happen if Trump refused to leave office after 2020 loss?
–– Pentagon has contingency plan involving trail of Quarter Pounders, cattle prod, large cage.

Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft has assembled a legal dream team to handle his misdemeanor sex solicitation case; can they save him?
–– Or rub the wrong way?

Marco Rubio Says Venezuelan Explosion Occurred At 'German Dam,' Who Is A Journalist And Not A Dam
–– Confirms Israel Levee.

‘You hate America?': Bar faces backlash after bartender is filmed refusing to serve man in 'MAGA' visor
–– Figured he was already pissed.

Woman slashed stranger's SUV tires because she allegedly 'disagreed' with his MAGA hat inside
–– To cap it all off.

Woman gets attacked by bull in New Jersey, screams that it's going to 'kill her'
–– Tried to avoid taurus attraction.

Jennifer Lopez Engaged to Alex Rodriguez
–– We’ll take the high road, you take the Lo-Rod.

Jose Canseco’s Ex-Wife Jessica Breaks Her Silence on Alex Rodriguez Cheating Claim
–– Broid rage?

Inside Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Summit: Crystal Ear Seeds, Psychedelic Therapy, Perfume Orgasms
–– Just squirt on yourself.

What US airlines that fly the 737 MAX 8 are doing to keep passengers safe
–– Complementary chutes, life insurance policies.

White House Press Secretary ‘Not Aware’ of Trump Order to Block AT&T-Time Warner Merger
–– Huckabee Sanders too busy preparing for bi-annual briefings.

Anderson Cooper calls out Sarah Huckabee Sanders for leaving ‘the world of the factual behind’
–– In service to literal ass.

Carolee Schneemann, Visionary Feminist Performance Artist, Dies at 79
–– Carolee we roll along.

Houston Voted to Raise Firefighters’ Pay. Now the Mayor Says 400 Could Be Laid Off.
–– Fire hosed.

Twitter Rips Devin Nunes After He Whines About 'Socialist' Plastic 'Straw Police'
–– Straw dog.

Ocasio-Cortez Blasts Capitalism as an ‘Irredeemable’ System
–– Republicans: ‘Just keep talkin’, baby.’

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez believes we should be excited about automated jobs
–– Maybe Alexa should do hers.

Melania Trump 'mistook former female Australia FM for partner'
–– Mistook wallaby for Tiffany.

Adam Schiff: Erik Prince Lied When He Said He Told Congress About Trump Tower Meeting
–– Prince harming.

SXSW: Democratic Presidential Contender John Delaney Questions Party’s Direction
–– Party questions his existence.

Malaysia frees Indonesian woman accused of Kim Jong Nam's poisoning
–– A little background: she poisoned him.

John Oliver trashes Trump for signing bibles after Alabama tornadoes
–– During whirlwind tour.

John Oliver Robocalls FCC to Urge Crackdown on Robocalls
–– Spoof positive.

Buttigieg asked if Pence would be better than Trump
–– And if he prefers measles to mumps.

A doctor in California used a video-link robot to tell a patient he was going to die. The man's family is upset
–– Talk about badside manner.

Jane Fonda Calls For Hollywood to "Invest as Much in Saving Films as Making Them"
–– ‘Imagine they’re your 81-year-old face at a premier.’

Michael Jackson’s Molestation Trial: 10 Bizarre Details You Didn’t Know or Totally Forgot
–– 3) Everyone in America already figured he was pedophile.

Paris Jackson defends father Michael Jackson: “chillax my dudes”
–– What papa told kiddies.

’SNL’s’ Pete Davidson on Michael Jackson and R. Kelly: ‘You Just Have to Admit They’re Bad People’
–– Spake America’s moral authority.

Real Estate Mogul Taunts Ex-Wife With 42-Foot-Tall Photo of New One
–– Real estate mogul’s are insensitive?!!

Fox News' Jeanine Pirro questions Ilhan Omar's hijab
–– Head covering too smart to answer.

Jeanine Pirro: Ilhan Omar’s Hijab May Be ‘Antithetical’ To The Constitution
–– Violates 2nd Amendment’s prohibition against establishment of fashions that make Caucasians nervous.

Box Office: 'Captain Marvel' Flies to Historic $153M in U.S., $455M Globally
–– Empowering Disney shareholders who are almost definitely all female.

Why It’s Actually Great That ‘Captain Marvel’ Is Just Fine
–– We just don’t have enough crap movies.

How 'Captain Marvel' Avoided Female Superhero Cliches
–– By employing generic superhero clichés.

Maduro and Guaido hold rival rallies amid huge blackout in Venezuela
–– Remains to be seen.

High schooler 'regrets' accepting dare to jump into shark tank at California aquarium
–– Shark regrets he didn’t stay for lunch.

A jaguar attacked a woman taking a picture at a zoo in Arizona
–– Smiled for camera before pouncing.

Woman attacked by jaguar says Arizona zoo should consider 'moving fence'
–– To give cat a little challenge.

Report: 'Pharma Bro' found using contraband cell in prison
–– Kept in rectum with selfie stick, laptop, meth lab.

Elizabeth Warren: 'I am not a' Democratic Socialist
–– DNA test suggests she might be 0.09 to 1.5%.

R. Kelly leaves jail after posting bail, saying, 'We're going to straighten all this stuff out'
–– Doesn’t court believe he can fly?

Boat’s collision with 'marine creature' leaves 87 injured
–– Gamera ‘shaken up.’

Ilhan Omar suggests Obama was a 'pretty face who got away with murder'
–– She’s one who won’t.

Trump: Founder of alleged prostitution spa 'sold Chinese businessmen access to president’
–– And ‘happy wet handshake.’

Why Jordan Peele Didn’t Smoke as Much Weed While Writing ‘Us’ as He Did for ‘Get Out’
–– But why you might need to viewing it.

In South Africa’s Fabled Wine Country, White and Black Battle Over Land
–– Not white and red?

'SMILF' Canceled at Showtime Amid Probe Into Creator Frankie Shaw's Alleged Misconduct
–– Shaw ‘nuff.

Manafort Destiny
Week of 03/08/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Paul Manafort sentenced to 47 months in prison
–– Lucky he wasn't dealing weed.

Was Paul Manafort’s Sentence Too Light?
–– Was crime too white?

Trump Reacts To Paul Manafort Sentence: 'I Feel Very Badly For' Him
–– ‘Not Putin, or Lil' Kim bad, but, still…'

Pro-Trump Manafort Juror Paula Duncan Warns Against Pardon: He 'Needs To Pay The Price'
–– ‘Especially when it’s such a bargain.’

Judge Says Manafort Led An 'Otherwise Blameless Life.' His Resume Says Otherwise.
–– For professional scumbag.

Mueller Hammers Manafort's Lack of Remorse as Sentencing Nears
— Hummed Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien throughout trial.

Trump's New Attorney General Won't Recuse Himself in Mueller Probe
— Should totally be Barred.

Trump would be ‘disappointed' if North Korea rebuilding missile launch facility
— Might text Slightly Frowning Face.

Satellite images show activity at North Korean missile site, reports say
— Believed to be Kim, generals partying.

Miami Herald: Trump watched Super Bowl with ex-owner of spa linked to Kraft arrest
–– Gave him big hand.

State by state, more gun ownership equals more mass shootings, study shows
–– File under D for D’oh.

Ex-wife of $273 million lottery winner does not want him back: 'I have morals'
–– 'But exactly how much is that after taxes again?'

Stormy Daniels’ Lawsuit Against Trump Over Nondisclosure Agreement Tossed by Judge
–– Her lips were never sealed.

What to Know About Alex Trebek’s Incurable, Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer
–– Is in headline.

'Jeopardy!' winner Ken Jennings recounts his 'perfect moment' with Alex Trebek
–– What is TMI.

Jussie Smollett indicted on 16 felony counts, faces up to 64 years in prison
–– States hate crime.

A 4th-grader's teacher made him wash off his ashes after Mass on Ash Wednesday
–– And replace with ink pentagram!

’Captain Marvel' Sandbagged on Rotten Tomatoes Within a Few Hours of Opening
–– Skrull through comments.

With Streaks of Gray Hair, Xi Jinping of China Breaks With Tradition
–– Shoe polish stocks plunge.

LaCroix maker's CEO blames poor results on 'injustice'
–– Quarterly results watered down.

The president just called the CEO of Apple ‘Tim Apple’
–– Reflecting core stupidity.

Goldman Sachs relaxes dress code for all employees
–– Making it more comfortable to garotte competitors.

Lynne Patton, a Trump housing official, says she has presidential OK for reality TV
–– Entitled Patttonly Offensive.

Jason Priestley posts heart-wrenching tribute to Beverly Hills, 90210 costar Luke Perry
–– Bloody poor adjective discussing stroke victim.

Former mob boss Carmine 'The Snake' Persico dies at 85
–– Bites it.

‘Airwolf’ Star Jan-Michael Vincent Dies at 73
–– Bailed.

Dan Jenkins, Sports Writing Great and Author, Dies at 89
–– To be buried in sand trap.

Red Sox pitcher Steven Wright suspended 80 games for failed PED test
–– Promises to study harder.

Lucille Ball Was Using Poppers to 'Ease Pains in Her Chest and Heart': Forensic Pathologist
— And occasional speedBall.

What does Ivanka Trump do?
— Besides really grate on nerves?

Ann Coulter Mocks Ivanka Trump as ‘Very High Powered’: Says Democrats Must ‘Want Documents on Belts and Handbags’
— Accessories to crime?

There's now only one Blockbuster left on the planet
— And it only stocks Gerard Butler movies.

Flip-flop fines introduced in Italy's Cinque Terre
— To affect thongs of tourists.

‘Never a threat to humans': Australian town mourns beloved crocodile shot in the head
— Suicide feared.

A dean is stepping down over her university's decision to drop Chick-fil-A
— Makes clean breast of it.

Dead gardener may have taken revenge from beyond the grave
— Plot thickens.

Seafood fraud is dangerous—and running rampant, report finds
— Catfish observed wearing fake whiskers.

John Kelly Unloads: Working for Trump Was Awful, and His Wall Is Stupid
— Surprise!

Children's Place and Gap are buying most of what's left of bankrupt Gymboree
–– Investors not doing cartweels.

Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper announces 2020 presidential campaign
–– Orders 500,000 double-wide buttons.

Trump refuses to hand over ‘Kushner clearance’ documents to Congress: ‘It’s a disgrace’
— Why they want docs.

Pompeo: Trump is confronting Obama's foreign policy failures in Venezuela, other hot spots
— By creating way bigger ones of own.

First lady Melania Trump hits the road to promote her 'Be Best' campaign
— Well, bully for her.

Nearly 200 people in Texas immigration detention facilities have contracted mumps
— Doctors insist virus entered country illegally.

Wrestling star King Kong Bundy dies at 61
— Originally called self Ted.

Grandma goes viral after posing in iceberg and drifting away: ‘I thought it was safe’
— ‘At least that's what the granddaughter I just wrote into my will told me.’

Democrats Plan Anti-Semitism Measure After Omar’s Remarks
— If plan means 'clumsily cobble together in panic.'

House Votes to Condemn All Hate as Anti-Semitism Debate Overshadows Congress
–– Related bill commends kittens, puppies.

Pope Francis announces opening of Secret Archives of ‘Hitler’s Pope’
— Stored in Vatican vault next to Nazi gold.

Who’s getting requests from House Dems in new probe
— Male Republicans over 35.

Bernie Sanders on 'The Breakfast Club' is a 'no' on slavery reparations
— Like totally rebel Judd Nelson.

JPMorgan Ends Financing of Private Prisons After Criticism
— In case government ever decides to prosecute law-breaking bankers.

Rudy Giuliani ‘left open the possibility’ of pardoning Michael Cohen after FBI raid
— Like a drunk’s unzippered fly.

Cohen sues Trump Organization, wants it to pay legal bills
–– Showing some of chutzpah Trump first saw in him.

Preethi Reddy: Body of missing Australian dentist found inside suitcase as suspect dies in car crash
— Authorities extracted filling.

French jihadist Jean-Michel Clain killed in Syria: wife
— Jihad luck.

Venezuela's Guaido vows to paralyze public sector to squeeze Maduro
— Though hard to squeeze when paralyzed.

Ted Baker CEO Ray Kelvin quits after allegations of 'forced hugging'
–– Hip huggers no longer in fashion.

Diana Rigg to Receive Variety Icon Award at Canneseries
–– In Rigged vote.

Nunes: ‘I want everything that Mueller did made public’
–– Especially if it includes everything Nunes did.

Jay Inslee Is Running for President
–– In sleep.

S.C. Mayor Says ‘Yellow Sticky Substance’ on Her Car Was Sprayed by Vandals, Police Say It’s Just Pollen
–– Questioning homey bees.

Paul Manafort wants sentence ‘significantly below’ guidelines in Virginia
–– And unicorn pony.

Egypt’s top cleric calls polygamy 'injustice,' draws debate
–– 'Not married' to opinion.

Beto O’Rourke Attends Metallica Show Instead of Making Presidential Bid
–– Lars Ulrich for Secretary of Health because his playing is so sick, dude!

Elizabeth Warren vows to break up Amazon, Facebook and Google if elected president
–– Bezos, Zuckerberg, Pichai already chuckling.

Elizabeth Warren Says Pence Is Not a Decent Man, Blasts 'Most Corrupt Administration in Living Memory'
–– Even undead can't remember worse one.

Oregon man trapped with his dog 5 days in snowbound car ate taco sauce packets
–– While imagining how arroz con perro tastes.

Johnny Depp sues ex-wife Amber Heard for $50M, claiming defamation, affair with Elon Musk
–– So-called 'high-speed tunnel project.'

Mitzi Hoag, Actress on 'The Facts of Life' and 'Here Come the Brides,' Dies at 86
–– Must be slow death day.

Nathaniel Taylor, Actor on 'Sanford and Son,' Dies at 80
–– Was no Mitzi Hoag.

The Life of a Comment Moderator for a Right-Wing Website
–– Or Welcome to Hell.

Can Israel Survive Without Netanyahu? Israelis Imagine the Future
–– Might have to close country.

Drug Companies and Doctors Battle Over the Future of Fecal Transplants
–– Real shitstorm.

Tom Brady's Funny Reaction to His Trading Card Selling for $400k: 'I’m Cleaning Out My Basement!'
–– Ask moron buyer to lick floor.

Giants CEO Larry Baer seen pulling wife to the ground in video
–– And reputation to toilet.

Amazon Alarms Dow Jones Antiques as Elon Musk Shuts Superficial Tesla ‘Stores’
–– You tell us.

How the hallway 'pizza intern' became the viral star during Michael Cohen's testimony
–– Sneezed on pie.

Matt Gaetz Apologizes To Michael Cohen For Personal Threat: 'I Made A Mistake'
–– Then threatens to break legs if he tells anyone about it.

‘Tomboy’ fights dress code banning girls from wearing pants at graduation: 'It's kind of insane'
–– Skirt's the issue.

Sully, George H.W. Bush's Former Service Dog, Has Found a New Calling
–– And new carpets to sully.

'Simpsons' producer pulls episode featuring Michael Jackson
–– Cartoon kids couldn’t relive trauma.

The Asking Price for Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch Was Just Dramatically Reduced
–– ‘No children’ clause remains.

Mountain lion strangled by Colorado man was orphaned cougar cub
–– Animal Rights activists will soon have runner charged with murder.

Student had to bring his baby daughter to class so his professor watched her so he could pay attention
–– Class not in headline writing.

DEA, New York law enforcement raid alleged NY drug mill, recover enough fentanyl to kill 2 nearly million people
–– Or help 2.25 million sleep soundly.

Falwell Jr. calls Ocasio-Cortez 'stupid' and 'a liar' — and invites her to speak at Liberty University
–– Because faculty’s full of stupid liars.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is in ‘Bananaland’: Fox News Contributor Slams Green New Deal in Unicorns-and-Cannibalism Tirade
–– Pundits slipping on appeal.

Amy Klobuchar Jokes About Enjoying Salad With 'a Pinch of Dandruff' During Gridiron Dinner
–– Combing for laughs.

Fractured after vote against LGBT clergy, weddings, United Methodists face possible split
–– On schism trail.

Trump calls Russia investigation ‘bull****’ and hugs American flag in off-script CPAC speech
–– Old Glory’s #metoo moment.

CPAC used to be about conservative ideas -- now it's just a circus
–– About clowns’ ideas.

Black man becomes head of neo-Nazi group he intends to destroy
–– Dap to replace Sieg Heil.

Critics Demand That John Wayne Airport Be Renamed After Actors’ White Supremacy’ Comment
–– True git.

How the Trump-Kim Summit Failed: Big Threats, Big Egos, Bad Bets
–– Small brains.

Donald Trump: Otto Warmbier Parents “Misinterpreted” Remark Exonerating Kim Jon Un In Son’s Death
–– ‘Stupidly listened to my words.’

John Bolton says North Korea owes full explanation over Otto Warmbier's death
–– 'If they'd just thoroughly annotate denial.'

Warner: Trump has 'consistently been willing to override the advice' of intel community
–– Like Monster Truck crushing subcompact.

‘Astronaut’ dummy Ripley rides aboard SpaceX's Crew Dragon bound for space station
–– Believe it or not.

Fixer Downer
Week of 03/01/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Fmr prosecutor: Michael Cohen opened a 'Pandora's box' of Trump 'crimes'
–– Box Trump bragged about grabbing.

Opium-addicted parrots plague poppy farmers
–– Polly wanna a crackhead?

Michael Cohen’s Testimony Portrays President Trump as a Serial Grifter
–– Direct from horse’s ass’ mouth.

Michael Cohen: Trump sent letters to his schools threatening them not to release his test scores
–– Effin’ ridiculous.

Fordham confirms that Trump team threatened the school if his grades became public
–– Epic fail.

I was one of the 500 people Michael Cohen threatened
–– Had to take number.

Tlaib: Lawmakers 'gasped' when Meadows brought up black Trump employee
–– Massa contradictions.

Lynne Patton, Trump official at Cohen hearing, claimed he only ‘turned’ when Mueller threatened wife
–– Patton of deception.

Why did Trump need to employ a professional liar?
–– Because idiot savant is world’s most gifted amateur.

Rep. Matt Gaetz Threatens Donald Trump’s Former Fixer Michael Cohen On Eve Of Testimony
–– Congressman from Tamper, FL.

Matt Gaetz under investigation by the Florida Bar for Tweet at Michael Cohen
–– Gaetz crasher.

Alec Baldwin, fellow stars react to Michael Cohen hearing: He deserves a 'Medal of Honor
–– How about ‘Distinguished Service Double Cross’?

Trump’s Talks With Kim Jong-un Collapse Over North Korean Sanctions
–– Folded like Pyongyang suitcase.

'Sometimes you have to walk': Why Trump bailed on North Korea
–– ‘As long as you don’t have to talk and chew gum at the same time.’

Trump-Kim summit: US president emerges the 'biggest loser'
–– And not in pounds-lost sense.

Trump-Kim summit: North Korea says it will not change stance
–– Stubby legs spread, belly low, shoulders slouched.

North Korea contradicts Trump's account of negotiations. State Dept. official says NK is 'parsing words'
–– Doesn’t parse smell test.

Trump absolves Kim Jong Un of responsibility for Otto Warmbier’s death
–– Goes over like warm beer.

Trump and Kim are sharing a meal
–– With side of crow courtesy of Cohen.

White House Bars Some Reporters From Trump-Kim Dinner In Vietnam
–– Springs roles.

90K bottles of Russian vodka believed to be for Kim Jong Un seized by Dutch customs
–– Goof proof.

Sam Nunberg: Trump throws people out like ‘garbage’
–– ‘Even ones unlike me.’

Singer Jerry Lee Lewis suffers minor stroke
–– Doctors: ‘Whole lotta shakin’ going on.’

Brandon Nimmo Proudly Sent His Wife a Photo of the Chicken That Made Him Sick
–– Was pretty fowl.

Walmart faces backlash for marketing video featuring gay men on a blind date
–– Had to be blindfolded to end up there.

'Dog Park Debbie' calls the police on man whose puppy mounted her dog: 'That's inappropriate'
–– Ho-hump.

Mountain lion killed by Colorado trail runner was a kitten, necropsy report says
–– Victim kitty-cornered.

Starbucks fans fight over limited edition 'cat paw cups' in China
–– Scratching, clawing.

Semi-identical twins are rare, and doctors say they've identified the second case ever
–– Semi-identical to first case.

Gap and Old Navy are splitting up
–– Mind the Gap.

HBO’s Richard Plepler, tastemaker behind TV hits like ‘Game of Thrones, quits
–– Knew it was time when AT&T sent invite to Red Wedding.

Trump Ordered Officials to Give Jared Kushner a Security Clearance
–– And gold-leafed Bathroom Pass.

Virginia first lady handed out cotton to African-American children on slave cottage tour, mother says
–– To which parents did not cotton.

Aston Martin shares have plunged 40% since October
–– Q’s ejector seat now standard equipment.

Mets’ Frazier out indefinitely with oblique injury
–– Team lucky he made it through week of Spring Training.

Israel’s Benjamin Netanyahu to be indicted on corruption charges, pending hearing
–– Bibi kink.

Man who went viral for buying $540 of Girl Scout cookies arrested in DEA drug bust
–– We knew he had federal-level munchies.

Saved from Pakistani mob, downed Indian pilot becomes face of Kashmir crisis
–– Crisis apparently has memorable mustache.

Lost Caravaggio painting found in attic could fetch $171 million at auction
–– Scholars stunned Renaissance master worked on black velvet.

Rembrandt in the Blood: An Obsessive Aristocrat, Rediscovered Paintings and an Art-World Feud
–– Forging ahead?

Weight Watchers is getting crushed by keto
–– Throwing weight around.

A cramped Pennsylvania apartment hid broken glass, overturned furniture and five dead family members
–– Listing: up and coming neighborhood, close to transportation.

Lil Dicky Comedy Ordered to Series at FX
–– Encourages Wee Willy.

Republicans force climate-related hearing to adjourn after only 2 Democrats show up
–– Then leave to rebury heads in sand.

Daniel Barenboim Seemed Untouchable. Now He’s Accused of Bullying.
–– Questions of how he conducted self.

800-Year-Old Crusader Mummy’s Head Is Stolen From Dublin Church
–– Pickled in Irish Whiskey.

Jake Tapper Shreds Don Jr.'s Brazen Lie That Mueller Found ‘No Actual Crimes’
–– ‘I mean he never even found where dad buried the bodies.’

Donald Trump Boasts (Without Explaining How) That Daughter Ivanka Trump 'Created Millions of Jobs'
–– In Third World sweatshops?

So Long to St. Mark’s Comics
–– Hits a nerd.

Emma Thompson On Exiting Skydance’s ‘Luck’ Because Of John Lasseter: “I Can Only Do What Feels Right”
–– Which was Lasseter’s defense.

Taliban: ‘No foreigners will be allowed’ when in charge
–– Can see why they get along with Trump negotiators.

Jeraldine Saunders Dies: Author & Creator Of ‘The Love Boat’ Was 96
–– Went down with ship.

Talk Talk Frontman Mark Hollis Dies at 64
–– In chatter box.

Flagstaff, Arizona had the snowiest day in its history
–– Nearly reaches half-mast.

86 tons of Boston Market frozen meals recalled because they may be contaminated with glass or plastic
–– As long as pork ribs are boneless.

Target tries to capitalize on Victoria's Secret's struggles
–– And get into their panties.

Rosenstein on Bill Barr: 'We can count on him to do the right thing
–– Don’t make us Barrf.

Microsoft CEO defends US military contract that some employees say crosses a line
–– Teeny, mushy line.

Dog catches 83-yard frisbee throw
–– Smeared with peanut butter.

French Court Dismisses Rape Allegations Against Luc Besson
–– Still charged with crimes against cinema.

Lt. Gov. Fairfax compares allegation to lynching
–– He choked women, too?

5G is coming: what can we expect?
–– Instantaneous moronic opinions.

Federal judge rules male-only draft is unconstitutional
–– Co-ed military cemeteries mandatory.

How Lindsey Graham Went From Trump Skeptic to Trump Sidekick
–– To Trump Suckdick.

AOC: ‘Is It Still Okay to Have Children’ in the Age of Climate Change
–– Don’t do us any favors.

ILLUMINATI? Merkel makes 'diamond Illuminati sign' TWICE at summit with Theresa May
–– Or does ‘Here’s the church, here’s the steeple’ for childish colleague?

REVEALED: Kim Jong-un’s BRUTAL purges see officials fed to DOGS - ‘COUNTLESS’ executions
–– Then DOGS fed to OFFICIALS.

Melissa McCarthy reportedly used CBD cream for Oscars red carpet foot pain, but can it really help?
–– Viewers should’ve rubbed on eyeballs.

Zoe Kravitz wears $24K sheer gold bra at Oscars afterparty
–– Should’ve worn to Golden Globes.

Olivia Colman Hints That She Wanted Glenn Close to Win Her Oscar
–– Close, but no Oscar.

‘Pose’ Star Billy Porter Dons a Christian Siriano Tuxedo Gown at the Oscars
–– Fret-à-Porter.

Rami Malek Fell Off the Stage After Oscar Win, Treated by Paramedics
–– Charged with Malekpractice.

Trump Calls Spike Lee's Oscar Acceptance Speech a "Racist Hit on Your President"
–– Did the Far Right thing.

Trevor Noah had the biggest Oscars joke you didn't get
— Like most of his gags.

Oscars Attendees at Four Seasons Gifted $13,500 Boozy Axe-Throwing Experience
–– On receiving end, hopefully.

Boots Riley Finishes Incendiary Venezuela-Centered Spirit Award Speech Backstage
–– Maduro Max II.

Snake on a Plane: Australian python makes 9,000-mile flight in woman's shoe
–– Better than compression socks.

Harry Reid wishes for George W. Bush again 'every day'
–– Also misses Entourage, E.coli, hemorrhoids.

Peter Frampton Reveals Degenerative Disease Diagnosis Ahead of Farewell Tour
–– Won’t need talk box on Show Me the Way.

Trump touts 4th of July event, says it will be 'one of the biggest gatherings in the history of Washington, D.C.'
–– In the pen, dunce day.

The acting defense secretary fired a weapon at the border. Here's why that's unusual
–– Wasn’t aiming at Mexican.

He spent 39 years in prison for a double murder he didn't commit. Now, he's getting $21 million
–– Finally makes killing.

‘You didn't vote for me': Senator Dianne Feinstein responds to young green activists
–– Statement of fact to underaged props met with horror, dismay.

What We’ve Learned Since Our Son Revealed He Was Depressed
–– It’s us.

No regrets for woman who stuck by Islamic State through defeats
–– Die hard. Please.

Girl banned from wearing MAGA hat claims school is violating her First Amendment rights
–– And denying itsy little brain protection.

'It's very sad': Trump reacts to Patriots owner Robert Kraft's soliciting prostitution charges
–– Rubbed him the wrong way.

Patriots Owner, Finance Titans Caught in Prostitution Sting
–– By tiny pricks.

Robert Kraft 'categorically' denies soliciting sex at spa after police said he was filmed twice in the act
–– Says it wan’t in column A or Column B of menu.

Alaska senator says she's likely to back Trump disapproval
–– Backed Alaska.

Sen. Warren: US needs to address 'ugly history of racism'
–– ‘Especially against my peoples.’

’Mueller’s Found A Coven' In So-Called Witch Hunt, Ex-DOJ Official Says
–– Hexcellent!

Waiting for the Trump-Kim Nobel Peace Prize
–– T-Shirt being printed at Cafe Press even now.

A Multimillion-Dollar Payday, at the Carwash
–– Rags to riches.

Pope Francis Ends Landmark Meeting by Calling for ‘All-Out Battle’ to Fight Sexual Abuse
–– The Cruiseaids.

Toxic moonshine kills 133 people and leaves hundreds hospitalized in India
–– Still as death.

Adam Levine's Nipples During Super Bowl Spark Complaints to FCC About Gender Equality
–– From 50 or so utter tits.

Alabama newspaper editor who urged Klan to 'ride again' replaced by African-American woman
–– Affirmative action 2019.

Stanley Donen, Director of Iconic Movie Musicals, Dies at 94
–– Sinkin’ in the rain.