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Week of 02/22/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Trump and legal team bracing for Mueller’s report
–– Sphincters tighter then NASA O-ring.

3 ways to translate Green New Deal into actual policy
–– 2) Gather 5 Infinity Stones.

Here's What May Happen When The Mueller Investigation Is Completed
–– CNN might have to cover news.

Joe Kennedy hopes Mueller report turns up nothing for 'sake of our democracy'
–– Say it ain't so, Joe.

Trump Has Publicly Attacked the Russia Investigation More Than 1,100 Times
–– Needed something to do during Executive Time.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Trump Won’t Interfere in Release of Mueller Report
–– Again, for 1,200th time.

Trump agrees to keep about 400 US troops in Syria, official says
–– So-called Sitting Ducks Unit.

Tesla’s general counsel leaves the company after two months
–– Autonomously chauffeured off premises.

Tesla's miserable week ends on a high note
–– Musk tokes massive doobie.

Gov. Cuomo Thinks Amazon Ditching NY Is ‘Greatest Tragedy’ He’s Seen While in Government
–– Must’ve missed King Kong on Broadway.

El Chapo’s Lawyers Intend to Request a New Trial
–– Hoping sequel’s half as entertaining.

Amy Klobuchar reportedly ordered staffer to clean comb after she used it to eat salad
–– And other hairy non-stories.

Trump administration inches closer to defunding Planned Parenthood
–– Fund couldn't last.

R. Kelly Charged After Alleged Video Evidence of Singer Assaulting Underage Girl
–– R.-raided.

Sex in New York City Parks? It’s Less of a Thing Than It Used to Be
–– Dirty old squirrels miss it.

Michael B. Jordan to Star in Denzel Washington’s ‘Journal for Jordan’
–– Should put in his diary.

Michael B. Jordan makes us all look lazy
–– And talented.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft accused of soliciting sex, police say
–– Paid for cheese slice.

Nike stock slips after basketball star gets injured as sneaker rips open
–– Slipper shock.

Doctors have been speaking up for gun control, but study finds medical PACs give more to pro-gun candidates
–– Helping to create new customers.

Stamps.com stock plummets 50% after it ends partnership with the US Postal Service
–– Post apocalypse.

This Comfortable Thong Is Sold Every 10 Seconds — And It’s Miraculously On Sale Right Now
–– No cracks.

2 Baseball Players Named Brady Feigl Take DNA Tests To See If They're Related
–– Feigl matter.

Joey Fatone Reveals Which of His 'NSYNC Bandmates Recognized Him as the Rabbit on Masked Singer
–– Most doubted he could get hired to dress up in Easter Parade.

Fox News Poll: 46% of voters approve of Trump’s North Korea policy
–– .5% can explain what it is.

Trump apparently not familiar with his administration's push for global decriminalization of homosexuality
–– Still working out what B, T and Q stand for.

Coffee shop owner warns that 'racism is alive and well' after 'white supremacist' disrupts her business
–– Deeply ‘unwell’, actually.

Saudi Arabia strikes $10 billion China deal, talks de-radicalisation with Xi
–– Sides agree ‘100%’ on freedom of Press.

China says humanitarian aid should not be forced into Venezuela
–– Monstrous to force medicine on dying children.

Kamala Harris’s dad on her pot-smoking comment: Our family wants to ‘dissociate ourselves from this travesty’
–– Ganja, but not forgotten.

Kamala Harris Supports Changing Columbus Day To Indigenous People’s Day
–– ‘Yo, and she wants dese mooks marchin’ down 5th Avenue? Marone!’

Megan Ellison's Moment of Truth: Inside the Reboot of Annapurna Pictures
–– Or How Deep Are Daddy’s Pockets?

'Leaving Neverland': Michael Jackson accusers say 'sex became safe zone' in new interview
–– Don’t want to hear what was ‘danger zone’.

Michael Jackson Estate Sues HBO Over 'Leaving Neverland' Documentary
–– Charge sales abuse.

Ryan Adams Being Dropped by Radio Stations After Sexual Misconduct Claims
–– Michael Jackson popular as ever.

Time’s Up CEO Lisa Borders Resigned Following Sexual Misconduct Claims Against Her Son
–– Which Borders on Ironic.

Spike Lee Credits #OscarsSoWhite for Nomination: "Every 10 Years Black Folks Get Awards"
–– Dupe the right thing.

Larry Hogan sure sounds like he is going to primary Donald Trump
–– Hogan's hero?

Could squid protein be an eco-friendly answer to our plastic problem?
–– With eight arms easy for them to rub it out.

Justice Clarence Thomas Calls for Reconsideration of Landmark Libel Ruling
–– Questions if ‘whole First Amendment isn’t just fake news.’

Clarence Thomas Agrees With Our Very Legal President* That We Should 'Open Up the Libel Laws'
–– How often can he be called abusive, degenerate, idiot pervert under current statutes?

Woman dies as food poisoning in Michelin-starred restaurant hits 29 diners
–– Elimination die it.

Kraft Heinz posts huge loss, slashes dividend and reveals SEC investigation
–– Blood everywhere or is it ketchup?

Port Richey Mayor arrested after shots fired at SWAT attempting to serve warrant at his home
–– Released when they remembered they were in Florida.

WSJ: Under Armour CEO's relationship with MSNBC anchor causes stir
–– Is it over amour?

Space probe fires bullet into asteroid
–– Busts cap in asteroid?

Tiny tyrannosaur fossil discovery changes the dinosaur timeline
–– Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Monkees Singer and Bassist Peter Tork Dead at 77
–– Tork down.

Up for auction: Bob Dylan's childhood bathroom sink
–– A hard drain's a-gonna fall.

Emma Thompson Exits Skydance Animation Movie ‘Luck’ Over John Lasseter Hire
–– Shit out of Luck.

White House Panel Will Study Whether Climate Change Is a National Security Threat. It Includes a Climate Denialist.
–– Doesn't even accept weather exists.

Chris Hemsworth to Play Hulk Hogan in Biopic Directed by Todd Phillips
–– Will strike face repeatedly with Mjölnir to prepare.

“Harvey Always Wanted More": Weinstein, Spielberg and the Oral History of the Nastiest Oscar Campaign Ever
–– Weinstein + Oral = Dicey Headline.

Bernie Sanders Raises $6 Million After Announcing Presidential Bid
–– Should cover retirement home.

Scientist films encounter with killer whale
–– Or sperm whale, wink-wink?

Trump campaign shatters fundraising records, adds senior staff for 2020 race
–– Most of it locked in same vault as Inauguration donations.

North Carolina poll workers admit improperly running early results
–– Trump: ‘See I told you……what, Republicans? Fake news!’

North Carolina board votes to hold new House election over absentee ballot fraud
–– Redoodoo.

Farrakhan Praises Omar’s Anti-Semitic Remarks: ‘Shake Up That Corrupt House’
–– ‘Built by Zionists' blood money.’

Michael Cohen to reveal ‘chilling’ details about working in Trump Tower, lawyer says
–– ‘Chilling’ was what Trump mostly did.

Ginsburg delivers first opinion since cancer surgery in excessive fines case
–– Liberals praying health is excessively fine.

Duke’s Zion Williamson Says He Gained 100 Pounds in 2 Years During High School
–– Lotsa’ roid meat.

Martina Navratilova dropped by LGBT group over trans athletes row
–– Ran afoul of racket.

Maduro Goes After Richard Branson With Own Concert
–– Kicks off Hate a Virgin tour.

Nicolas Maduro attacks Trump's 'almost Nazi-style' speech after US president calls on military to abandon Venezuela leader
–– He’s just jealous.

Man Charged with Pulling Gun on Couple in MAGA Hats
–– Ain’t got right to wear ‘em if they didn’t draw back.

Manny Machado, Padres Reportedly Agree to Historic 10-Year, $300M Contract
–– Includes 8-year unlimited fan bitching clause.

White Sox boss on Manny Machado signing with Padres: 'We thought we were the high offer'
–– No, Padres smoking more potent shit.

‘Suicide isn't fashion': Burberry apologizes for hoodie with noose around the neck
–– Shouldn't get hung up.

Karl Lagerfeld, pioneering fashion designer, has died
–– Though hard to tell.

Jameela Jamil Calls Karl Lagerfeld a 'Ruthless, Fat-Phobic Misogynist' Following His Death
–– Choking back tears.

Wine for dummies: The questions about wine you're too embarrassed to ask
–– Fish or meat when butt-chugging reds?

Old Apple Computer Found In Attic Sends Professor Back To His Childhood
–– With rare time travel software.

Dear Academy: Face It, the Short-Film Oscars Should Be Cut From the Telecast
–– Need more time for self-serving calls for diversity.

Vandal Topples Wax Statue of Sean "Diddy" Combs
–– Pique Diddy.

The woman in the New Jersey Memorial Day melee pleads guilty to disorderly conduct
–– And is awarded Miss New Jersey title in perpetuity.

Science being 'debunked:' Why are some countries making a vaccine U-turn?
–– Here’s hoping it’s just massive levels of lead in water.

Man identified as kissing sailor in WWII Times Square photo dies at 95
–– Kissed off.

Washing your truck could spark a fire?
–– With kerosene.

’The Punisher’ & ‘Jessica Jones’ Canceled By Netflix; Latter’s 3rd Season Still To Air
–– Spank pair.

NBA commissioner Adam Silver believes Knicks' tanking strategy is 'corrosive'
–– Corrode to ruin.

Cano says he feels 25, not 36, as he reports to Mets
–– ‘Like I’m still using!’

Syrian’s Assad: U.S. will sell out those relying on it
–– Says Ol’ Faithful.

Carole Radziwill Remembers Her Late Mother-in-Law Lee Radziwill
–– You would hope so.

Turkey’s Damla Sönmez To Star In Netflix Docudrama ‘Ottoman Rising’
–– About really high foot stool.

Critics urge Presidents Day protests against Trump's emergency declaration
–– Declare Rational Emergency.

16 states file lawsuit to stop Trump's national emergency declaration
–– Sweet 16.

Sen. Lindsey Graham Says Kentucky Kids Need 'Secure Border' More Than A School
–– WH has ‘Insecure Boarder.’

Graham: I 'support' Trump emergency declaration
–– All in…butt.

McCabe: 'I was fired because I opened a case against the president'
–– Revenge of the Turds.

“I don’t care. I believe Putin”: Trump rejected U.S. intel and listened to Moscow, says McCabe
–– Putin his faith in dictator.

Former Bush ethics attorney Richard Painter says Trump 'not mentally well,' should be removed under 25th Amendment
–– Paints ugly picture.

Former acting FBI director: Trump's 'own words' prompted counterintelligence investigation
–– What else could be more counter to intelligence?

Donald Trump Says He's 'Excited' About China Giving Drug Dealers the Death Penalty, Falsely Claims U.S. Just Gives Them Fines
–– Has lethal injection chubby.

‘We thought we were going on holiday but ended up joining ISIS'
–– ‘Last time we book through travelatrocity.com.'

Location of ISIS leader unknown as terror group makes last stand in Syria
–– Let’s just say he has 72 virgins on speed dial.

Illinois Gunman Had a History of Domestic Violence and Was 'Stressed' Before Shooting
–– Should’ve taken chill pill to own head.

Armed volunteers train in hopes of protecting parishioners from potential attacks
–– Praise Lord, pass ammunition.

Alec Baldwin Asks Whether Donald Trump’s ‘SNL’ Tweet Is “A Threat To My Safety And That Of My Family?”
–– If you live in USA.

Poland cancels participation in meeting in Jerusalem, denouncing 'racist' remark by Israeli official
–– Cite collaborate plot to tarnish good name.

Can you eat your way to better mental health? Study says yes
–– Brain food.

Baltimore man burns to death after exiting porta potty near M&T Bank Stadium
–– Appeared flushed.

Five bystanders shot during police shootout in New Orleans
–– Aimlessly.

Japan’s Abe refuses to deny that he nominated Trump for Nobel Peace Prize
–– When is April Fool’s Day in Japan?

Disgraced Former Congressman Anthony Weiner Released From Prison
–– Weiner out again.

Bruno Ganz, Star of ‘Downfall’ and ‘Wings of Desire,’ Dies at 77
–– Bunkered down.

Everything I Know About Feminism I Learned From Nuns
–– Claims habitual liar.

Man buys ultra-rare Babe Ruth card for $2
–– Sultan of ‘So what?’

New York mayor says Amazon headquarters debacle was 'an abuse of corporate power'
–– Or self-abuse of mayoral power?

Amazon will pay $0 in taxes on $11,200,000,000 in profit for 2018
–– There’s your ‘abuse of corporate power’.

Jussie Smollett’s Lawyers Say ‘Empire’ Star Didn’t Play “Role In His Own Attack”
–– Used stand-in?

Ava DuVernay Won’t Rush to Judgement on Jussie Smollett: ‘I Can’t Blindly Believe Chicago PD’
–– Will wait and jus’ see.

Kamala Harris faces scrutiny over Jussie Smollett ‘modern day lynching’ comment at 2020 campaign event
–– And stringing along crowd.

Fox Praises ‘Consummate Professional’ Jussie Smollett in New Statement as Investigation Continues
–– ‘Though he was sloppy blocking attack scene.’

N.Y.’s New World Stages Evacuated Due to Manhole Fires
–– Actors let off steam.

NYPD Commander Investigated For Allegedly Threatening 50 Cent's Life
–– Implied it wasn’t worth Plugged Nickel.

Wheelchair Barbie -- the doll I've been waiting my entire life for
–– Mattel to roll out.

Heather Nauert withdraws from consideration as UN ambassador
–– Illegal alienation of affections.

Bill Gates says cow farts are one of the biggest problems
–– Is he just methane with us?

Don’t Let Sex Distract You From the Revolution
–– Sleeping with the enema.

Chaos erupts at 'Hamilton' show
–– No Miranda warning.

Alarm Crock
Week of 02/15/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Declares National Emergency to Build Border Wall
–– Citing Presidential pants on fire.

Strong Democratic women are Trump's kryptonite
–– Ask Hillary.

As Trump Declares National Emergency To Fund Border Wall, Democrats Promise A Fight
–– Balls to the Wall!

‘I didn’t need to do this’: Trump just kneecapped his own case for a ‘national emergency’
–– Can’t get far on fool.

Ex-RNC Chair Michael Steele Warns GOP On Trump's Emergency: You Will Rue This
–– Rue appalled.

Ann Coulter Hits Back at Trump: ‘The Only National Emergency Is That Our President Is an Idiot’
–– Make that 'My President'.

Pelosi signs border bill, says will not stand for an 'end-run around Congress'
–– Can Dems defend against bootleg?

Exclusive: WH press secretary Sarah Sanders interviewed by special counsel's office
–– Over false pretenses.

Trump enters obese range, but still in 'good health,' exam findings show
–– Fat or fiction?

NASA heading back to Moon soon, and this time to stay
–– Has eye on roomy crater for new HQ.

Famous Los Wins MVP for 2019 NBA Celebrity Game, Team Staley Beats Team Bird
–– Famous lose.

Colin Kaepernick, Eric Reid Settle Grievances with NFL in Collusion Case
–– Knee cap rate.

Pregnant British schoolgirl who fled UK to join Islamic State in Syria 'will not be rescued'
–– IS what it IS.

'Hand Jobs' salon is causing controversy for its suggestive name
–– Better than original name ‘Nail Her.'

Colton Underwood cites being 'touched inappropriately' as reason for leaving charity event: 'I didn’t sign up to be a piece of meat'
–– Someone put hand under wood?’

Markelle Fultz excited for Magic coaches who aren’t ‘just going to tell you what you want to hear’
–– Assistant: ‘you've got a peculiar name.’

Hailey Baldwin Asked Dad Stephen If He Would Be Upset If She Changed Her Last Name to Bieber
–– Like Koko marrying Bozo.

Parents outraged at first-grade teacher's decision to read book about gay bunnies to students
–– Had bad hare day.

Oh, Florida! Woman caught on video shaving while riding scooter
–– Stubble in Paradise.

‘Bomb threat' at a Home Depot turned out to be a man warning others about how badly he needed to use the restroom
–– In latest slang for ‘bomb threat’.

Kentucky Teacher Accused of Having Drunken Sex with 15-year-old Former Student
–– Didn't hold back.

Firefighter arrested for allegedly planting hidden camera in fire station bathroom: 'I'm about to lose everything'
–– We’re about to lose lunch.

Which Met looked better during his rain-soaked workout: Noah Syndergaard or Tim Tebow?
–– Now imagine him wearing cast.

Widow, 81, sole resident of remote island disputed by South Korea and Japan
–– Not Seoul resident?

Coke says global slowdown will be a drag on 2019. Stock has worst day in 10 years
–– Have a Coke and a slime.

Runner who suffocated mountain lion with his foot describes the attack
–– Grateful he hadn’t washed the reeking appendage for months.

Amazon Pulls Out of Planned New York City Headquarters
–– Never came.

Ocasio-Cortez takes a victory lap after Amazon scraps plans to build in New York
–– In clown shoes she bought at walmart.com.

Ocasio-Cortez Team Flubs a Green New Deal Summary, and Republicans Pounce
–– Proving she's green alright.

Mitch McConnell is going to force the Senate to vote on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's Green New Deal
–– If naysayers won't pass out holding noses.

Ocasio-Cortez hits back after Trump says her Green New Deal looks like high school paper
–– ‘Yeah, by homecoming queen!’

Treasury officials say smaller tax refunds are a good thing
–– Like micro penises.

McConnell says Trump will sign funding bill, declare a national emergency
–– So long as he states self as cause.

Pamela Adlon Drops Some Parenting Truths: Your Kids 'Don't Define Who You Are'
–– Hers aren’t self-involved, abrasive hacks?

Trump ally Tom Barrack apologizes for saying it’s ‘a mistake’ to criticize Khashoggi murder
–– ‘Quietly admiring it is even better.’

Amazon Orders 17 New Original Series From Seven Countries
–– With half an idea.

Governor Northam’s Troubling Silence on Racism
–– Doesn't moonwalk the talk.

Unmistakable Divide Among Women in Virginia Over Accusations Against Fairfax
–– Color us shocked.

Lyndon LaRouche, Cult Figure Who Ran for President 8 Times, Dies at 96
–– LaDouche bagged.

FEMA Administrator Brock Long resigns
–– Block wrong.

After 15 years, the Mars Opportunity rover's mission has ended
–– Won’t fetch.

Senate Intel Chairman Says No ‘Goodwill’ Left for Michael Cohen
–– Will have to donate old clothes elsewhere.

Esquire cover featuring white, middle-class 'American boy' sparks backlash: 'How is this real?'
–– Straight, white, middle-class male new unicorn.

How Sam Jackson managed to play a much younger Nick Fury in 'Captain Marvel'
–– Time machine budget was killer.

Exclusive: Venezuela's self-declared president Guaido to nominate own Citgo board - sources
–– Appointees 'pumped'.

The evolution of the gay best friend in romantic comedies
–– Beyond homo dejectus.

El Chapo Convicted in Trial That Revealed Drug Cartel’s Brutality and Corruption
–– Defense failed to demonstrate cuddly kingpin's softer side.

‘El Chapo’ financing Trump border wall is a yes vote: GOP lawmaker
–– Sinaloa cartel offers free tech advice.

Kamala Harris Is Accused of Lying About Listening to Tupac. Here’s What Happened.
–– Shakur booty?

Hong Kong is being overrun by wild boars
–– And not just on Legislative Council.

Trophy hunter 'pays $110k' to kill and pose with rare mountain goat
–– Total horn dog.

Machado and Harper haven't signed because baseball teams are now run like Wall Street 'quant funds'
–– And they act like couple of quants.

Bill Cosby's spokesman says the comedian thinks prison is an 'amazing experience'
–– Doesn't hey hey hate?

Bill Cosby says he won't feel remorse because he's a 'political prisoner'
–– Like Nelson Man-dull-her.

Theresa May asks MPs to hold their nerve on Brexit talks
–– Even shot ones?

David Spade Will Launch Late-Night Show at Comedy Central
–– Digs in.

They went to an abandoned home to smoke weed. Inside, they found a tiger.
–– Started seeing it after several joints.

Richard Gere, 69, and wife Alejandra welcome baby boy
–– Expect first word to be 'grampa'.

Ancient mucus trail led to oldest evidence of mobility on Earth
–– Larry King forgot drool cup on morning walk.

Bees can be taught to add and subtract
–– In honey of a study.

Eating 'ultraprocessed' foods accelerates your risk of early death, study says
–– Reading ‘absurdly-narrow’ studies linked to anxiety, decreased brain function.

The strategy behind McDonald's latest breakfast creation
–– Guaranteed early death.

Democrats Come For Susan Collins After Brett Kavanaugh Backs Anti-Abortion Law
–– Penalized for being sole sane Republican.

A third of Americans say blackface is ok for Halloween costumes
–– And not just for Black Panther.

Democratic leaders call for Omar to apologize for 'anti-Semitic tropes'
–– Gave her enough tropes to hang self.

Rep. Ilhan Omar faces backlash after claiming Trump is backing ‘coup’ in Venezuela
–– Have more Maduro, my dear?

Rep. Ilhan Omar punches back at Trump: 'You have trafficked in hate your whole life'
–– ‘While I’m so new to the game.’

‘Progressive Prosecutor’: Can Kamala Harris Square the Circle?
–– And box out idiotic cliché?

How Russia Undermined Over 30 Years of Nuclear Arms Control
–– With invaluable assistant of American asset.

A High-Profile #MeToo Case in Costa Rica Shows the Hurdles to Being Heard
–– Pig Latins.

Trump and O’Rourke Face Off in El Paso Over Wall
–– Packing pea-shooters.

How Trump's trade war kept Russian fish sticks in US school lunchrooms
–– And beluga caviar on oligarchs’ silver platters.

Polar bear invasion: Parents scared to send children to school in remote Russian archipelago
–– Will practice chewing seal fat at home.

‘Counterpart’ Canceled at Starz
–– Counterparts.

Bob Costas Says He Lost NBC Super Bowl Hosting Gig Because He ‘Crossed the Line’
–– But failed to score.

Jill Abramson Accuses Vice of ‘Waging an Oppo Campaign’ Against Her Book
–– More Obvo when it comes to plagiarism.

‘Fox & Friends’ Host Pete Hegseth Hasn’t Washed His Hands in 10 Years: ‘Germs Are Not a Real Thing’
–– Even ones in head?

Survivor’s Jeff Probst on the Edge of Extinction women to watch
–– Klobuchar, Gabbard, Gillibrand?

Why criminals Bonnie and Clyde preferred Fords as a getaway car
–– Never wanted to say, 'I could've had a V8.'

As Maduro Digs In, His Aides Hunt for an Emergency Escape Route
–– Tunnel currently reaches halfway to Colombia.

In new book, McCabe reportedly says Trump operates like a mob boss
–– Entitled D’uh.

Smokey Robinson calls Jennifer Lopez Motown tribute complainers 'stupid'
–– Yeah, but what the eff does he and Berry Gordy even know about Motown?!!’

Ricky Rebel wears 'Keep America Great' jacket to 2019 Grammys: 'I'm not sorry for anything'
–– ‘Even that this is only way I can get headline.’

No one knows where Childish Gambino was during the Grammys
–– Already sampled too many grammys?

Alicia Keys goes makeup-free for Grammys: How to get her fresh-faced look
–– Buying overpriced makeup you can’t see.

At the Grammys, Sisters Dressing for Themselves
–– With help of dozens of assistants.

Drake disses Grammys during acceptance speech, gets mic cut off
–– Drake takes cake.

Virginia Lt. Gov. Justin Fairfax could face articles of impeachment Monday
–– In several newspapers.

’Heaven has a wall, a gate and a strict immigration policy': Grocery store riles up shoppers with ad
–– St. Peter: 'And you, Mr. Merchant, will never see it.'

Bebe Rexha To Body-Shaming Designers: 'You Wish You Had Dressed My Fat A**'
–– Instead of choosing BRexhait.

Elizabeth Trump's racist Elizabeth Warren taunts have entered a new phase
–– Poke 'er, taunt us.

Warren suggests President Trump 'may not even be a free person' by 2020
–– 'Lock him up' has nicer ring to it.

Trump says he ‘works probably more hours than any past president’ after schedule leaks
–– ‘Probably more hours’ = 'definitely fewer days.'

Chris Wallace Warns Mulvaney: 'People Will See You Laughing' At Matt Whitaker's Bad Behavior
–– And not in pained, strangled chuckles like usual.

Harris takes on questions about her 'blackness'
–– Damned if you’re dark, damned if you’re darker.

Massive insect decline could have 'catastrophic' environmental impact, study says
–– Implications 'creepy', 'crawly'.

Northam says he's learned implications of being 'born in white privilege' since racist photo controversy
–– Or 'born in 1950s Virginia?'

FDA targets illegally marketed dietary supplements
–– Doesn't swallow claims.

Liz Cheney: We 'can't be fooled into thinking' withdrawal from Syria won't reconstitute ISIS
–– Republicans cannot be fooled into thinking.

“It will all come out now": Jeff Bezos' bombshell could lead to other National Enquirer plots being exposed
–– Unzipped.

Lauren Sanchez’s Brother Calls Her Jeff Bezos Romance 'Legendary,' Source Says Pair Still Together
–– Like Pants-a-lot and Guinevere.

Average tax refund down 8% so far this season
–– That is big tax cut.

Seattle almost reached its yearly amount of snowfall in a day
–– Should be ashamed of usual size.

Prince Philip 'voluntarily' gives up driving following car crash
–– Does renew semi-automatic gun license.

Walmart just launched a modern furniture line, and we want to buy everything
–– Nicknamed ICKIER.

James Clapper Rips 'Truly Cringeworthy' Whitaker Testimony: It Was 'Amateur Hour'
–– Pro boner work.

Smut and Jeff
Week of 02/08/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos Accuses National Enquirer of Attempted Blackmail
–– Threatened to expose prime member.

Trump needs to think before he speaks
–– News flash!

Ronan Farrow: I received 'blackmail' threat similar to Amazon's Jeff Bezos
–– 'They claimed to have incriminating pics of my creepy smile.'

National Enquirer owner defends reporting on Amazon's Bezos
–– Keeps cracking up when he gets to ‘reporting.’

National Enquirer publisher says it will investigate Bezos' allegations
–– And review their deepfake vids of him.

‘Bezos Exposes Pecker’ Headline Used By Both ‘Huffington Post’ And ‘New York Post’
–– Take your dick pick.

White House hunts for 'executive time' schedule leaker
–– Following yellow trail.

Former National Enquirer senior editor: I believe the Bezos story was brought to the president
–– To help fill 'executive time'.

Hawaii has passed some bold progressive legislation over the past few years
–– Leis down law.

’Aquaman’ Spinoff 'The Trench' in the Works
–– You dig?

Critic’s Notebook: How Lifetime Taught Me to Be a Feminist
–– Turd-wave?

Report: Adam Gase initially “balked” at hiring Gregg Williams’ son as an assistant
–– Rolled his eyes. Scarily.

Irina Shayk explains why she's silent about Bradley Cooper
–– No great Shayks?

Zac Efron Gets Knee Surgery After Tearing His ACL While 'Shredding the Gnar'
–– Gnar she blows.

Grandma Fights Off Attackers In Clown Masks With Child’s Scooter
–– They were riding.

Harry Reid Rebuked Amy Klobuchar For Mistreatment Of Staff
–– His?

John Dingell, Longest-Serving Congressman, Publishes Posthumous Op-ed
–– Dingell buried.

GM offers $25,000 reward for information on nooses and 'whites-only' signs at Ohio plant
–– Race 'n' cars.

Trump in 'very good health,' physician says
–– ‘For a rotten pumpkin.’

Delta and Coke apologize for plane crush 'introduction' napkins some found creepy
–– Like rump and Coke?

Coke launches new flavor to keep customers from leaving it behind
–– Behind.

Casey Affleck Says His New Film Was Conceived Before #MeToo, Time's Up
–– Missconceived.

Jill Abramson Facing Plagiarism Accusations in 'Merchants of Truth'
–– Now, Alanis, that’s Ironic.

New York Times Staffers Blast Jill Abramson for Plagiarism: ‘One More Piece of Ammo’ for ‘Fake News’ Haters
–– Whoa, she ripped off ‘real news’!

‘Small footprint, long arm’ appears to be new US way of war
–– Itty-bitty brain.

A.S.M.R. Videos Give People the Tingles (No, Not That Way)
–– This way.

A New Way to Keep Mosquitoes From Biting
–– Tiny, tiny muzzles.

James Cameron reveals Kate Winslet can hold her breath for more than 7 minutes
–– Will need to go way longer until he makes another decent film.

Year Before Killing, Saudi Prince Told Aide He Would Use ‘a Bullet’ on Jamal Khashoggi
–– Ultimately thought dismemberment more ‘humane.’

Trump official helping oversee migrant shelters says he found out about "zero tolerance" policy on TV
–– When allowed to switch from Fox News.

52-million-bird fossil found with feathers still attached
–– Unusually plucky.

Trump Associate Paul Manafort 'Changed His Story Completely' To Protect Suspected Member of Russian Intelligence, Prosecutors Say
–– And own life.

‘I got cheated. All of us got cheated’: Captured German Isis member says he regrets joining terror group
–– 'Their robocalls were so convincing!'

‘Death to America' aimed at Trump, not American nation, Iran leader says
–– Equating Trump with America big enough insult.

Ivanka Trump Says She Knew ‘Literally Almost Nothing’ About Moscow Deal: ‘It’s Not Like It's a Strange Thing’ to Have ‘Property in Russia’
–– 'Like President Putin bought Dad when he was there.'

Ivanka Trump claims President had 'zero' involvement in security clearances for her, Jared Kushner
–– ‘Like with most Presidential duties.’

Andrew Rannells On 'Black Monday,' Penis Doubles and Horrible Boss Stories
–– Book of more man.

Groom arrested at his own wedding after allegedly groping an underage waitress
–– Clearly not best man.

Mystery owner of USB found in frozen seal poop comes forward: 'Sometimes life is stranger than fiction'
–– Seal had stick up its ass.

Dina Lohan says she will marry boyfriend of 5 years despite never meeting him
–– After being in same room dozens of times.

Woman Eaten by Her Pigs After She Collapses While Feeding Them
–– Got sloppy.

At fiery hearing, Whitaker testifies that he has not talked about Mueller to Trump
–– Did have occasional chats about ‘Miller’s Prussian Watch Hint.’

Acting AG Whitaker fuels flimsy conspiracy theory that Mueller tipped off CNN about Stone’s arrest
–– Mauler investigation.

Our galaxy is due to crash into its neighbor—but when?
–– After New Year’s party?

Avoiding The Ouch: Scientists Are Working On Ways To Swap The Needle For A Pill
–– Though harder to force through skin into vein.

Dwayne Johnson says he was 'first choice' for Oscars host, but was too busy on 'Jumanji 2'
–– Academy pulled Rock.

Sarah Silverman Says Radiologist Used His Bare Hands to Apply Gel to Her Breasts During Ultrasound
–– Hand, couldn’t see his other one.

Michael Douglas Says It's Time for 'Fatal Attraction' Co-Star Glenn Close to Win an Oscar: 'She's Kicking A**'
–– 'And b***ing rabbits!'

El Paso mayor refutes Trump’s claim that city was 'dangerous' before the wall
–– Doesn't Paso smell rest.

Venezuela crisis: Maduro blockades bridge on Colombia border to stop humanitarian aid entering country
–– Horse manuro.

Rob Gronkowski sports scar from full beer can to the face at Patriots parade
–– Sports scar enthusiast?

CBD Is Officially Getting Banned In New York City, Ohio, And Maine
–– CBD, CBD, CBD, what's up, Doc?

Mass. Woman Will Go to Prison for Urging Boyfriend in Texts to Kill Himself, Court Rules
–– Do not pass goad.

Inside the Terrifying Moment a Student Who Suspected a Ghost Found a Man Holed Up in Her Closet
–– Went white as a person.

Trump Says He’s ‘Open’ to Changing SALT Cap; Grassley Disagrees
–– Takes with pinch of SALT.

President Trump's gaffe touts 'abolition of civil rights' at National Prayer Breakfast
–– We all have secret prayers in our hearts.

I teach eighth-graders math during the day. At night, I wash my poorest students' clothes.
–– Substitute bleacher.

Christie Brinkley, 65, and Daughter Sailor, 20, Walk the Runway Together at New York Fashion Week
–– Missed Sailor moon.

Northam tells Virginia Democrat it wasn't him in racist photo, won't resign despite mounting pressure to do so
–– No, Virginia, there is no sanity clause.

Northam denies being in racist photo but recalls darkening his skin in Michael Jackson dance contest in 1984
–– Adds: ’Yeah, but he was practically white!”

'Unforgivable!': Donald Trump Slams Gov. Ralph Northam Over Racist Photo
–– Where was watermelon?

Kurtis Blow Condemns Virginia AG for Once Using Blackface to Imitate Him
–– Blows off.

Spike Lee On Gov. Ralph Northam, Or Anyone Else, In Blackface: 'Hell To The Naw'
–– He should Naw.

Justin Fairfax denies sexual assault allegation: "I have nothing to hide"
–– “What I told her.”

Dr. Vanessa Tyson, Who Accused Justin Fairfax Of Sexual Assault, Speaks Out
–– Tyson not chicken.

Justin Fairfax Faces Eroding Support from Democrats After New Accuser Speaks
–– Might be losing his grope.

Albert Finney: British actor dies aged 82
–– Fini.

Trump reportedly doesn't follow diet and exercise plan 'religiously,' and people aren't shocked
–– Though he kneels, struggles to feet daily.

Sen. Cory Booker responds to 11-year-old girl who wants to join his campaign: 'This inspires me more than you know'
–– Needs as many uninformed supporters as possible.

Sean Hannity Admits He Botched Cory Booker Story, Then Insults Him Anyway
–– And really uninformed critics.

Hillary Clinton says Speaker Nancy Pelosi proves it 'takes a woman' to get things done
–– Or 'takes this man’ to make her look good?

Republicans Ask Democrats To Please Leave Trump's Tax Returns ALONE
–– That's a big 10-40, good buddy.

Avengers: Endgame directors admit Captain Marvel's superpowers were a "concern"
–– She doesn't have all her marvels?

Government shutdown set to be averted as border deal nears without $5.7bn Trump demanded for wall
–– Dodging the bullshit?

Kellyanne Conway: 'I was assaulted at a restaurant' by an 'unhinged' woman
–– ‘She was clearly in swing state.’

Kellyanne Conway says she was assaulted while dining out. A 63-year-old woman has been charged in the case.
–– Assault and peppered her.

Whitaker says he will not appear before House panel unless he gets guarantee he won't face subpoena
–– ‘Ya aint gonna force me to tell the truth, are ya?’

Bill Cosby has been moved to a general population cell at a Pennsylvania prison
–– Appearing nitely, no cover, no minimum.

Pope Francis praises girl who broke through security to give him a letter
–– Read, ‘So what’s the deal with nuns’ sex slavery?’

Body of woman found in a suitcase in Connecticut identified
–– By luggage tag.

Mud and vegetation on new island baffle scientists
–– With pop quiz.

When a mountain lion attacked him, a Colorado runner choked it to death
–– Wearing Pumas?

Bradley Cooper Reveals He Was "Embarrassed" by Oscars Snub
–– A star is born yesterday.

Ivanka Trump responds to a performance art piece of a vacuuming Ivanka lookalike
–– Thinks it sucks.

First Lady Bringing Boy Bullied for "Trump" Last Name to State of the Union
–– Appears before nation bullied in Trump name.

Trump, Kushner met with contractors to discuss building border wall
–– Mixing journalists in foundation.

Autopsy: Man found in Smokies died of meth overdose before being eaten by bear
–– Now bear jonesing for tweekers.

Democrats Are Urging Stacey Abrams to Run for Senate. She’s Listening.
–– If at first you don’t succeed, vie and vie again.

Charlotte Russe files for bankruptcy and will close nearly 100 stores
–– Russe the day.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Netflix Seal Deal as Goop Expands Original Content
–– Growing like The Blob.

Julie Adams, ‘Creature From the Black Lagoon’ Star, Dies at 92
–– Sleeping with the fishes.

‘Friends’ star was so broke he did his own dental work
–– Explains LeBlanc space in mouth.

New England Patriots win Super Bowl LIII for 6th title
–– Most Hated Team in NFL History.

Many Children Are Overdoing It on the Toothpaste, C.D.C. Study Says
–– Kids brush off suggestion.

ICE arrests rapper 21 Savage, says he's illegally present in US
–– First time anyone knew he was present.

JPMorgan Says 2020 ‘Might Not Be Year to Think About Recession’
–– ‘Just keep drinking and ignore.’

Elizabeth Warren apologizes to Cherokee leaders over DNA test, reports say
–– No feather in her cap.

This Woman Turned Her Pickle Jar Into A Gorgeous Candle Holder And The Internet Is Obsessed
–– May sour on idea.

Bill Maher under fire after making fried chicken joke to black congressman Will Hurd
–– Comments pop eyes.

Ava DuVernay Boycotts Super Bowl Over NFL's "Racist Treatment" of Colin Kaepernick
–– Kneed we say more?

Mother becomes first person found guilty of FGM in UK
–– Clittorally the first.

Tiffany Haddish Wants to Host the Oscars…But Not by Herself
–– Needs someone to be funny, coherent.

Trump Sought a Loan During the 2016 Campaign. Deutsche Bank Said No.
–– And they’ve been fined $10 bil for money-laundering.

Does My Apartment Have to Be So Hot in the Winter?
–– Put something on, girlfriend.

Drink Up at the Booze History Museum of Staten Island
–– And sleep it off in Bacchus diorama.

Julia Roberts Opens Up About Her Bond With Lucas Hedges at 'WSJ Magazine' Event: "I Believe in Him"
–– C’mon, Julia, please, TMI!

Rami Malek Opens Up on Bryan Singer: "My Situation Was Not Pleasant"
–– And “Pleasantness” is paradigm for creative endeavors.

El Chapo Drugged and Raped 13-Year-Old Girls, Witness Claims
–– Picture slowly emerging of not-so-nice guy.

World War I grenade found in shipment of potatoes headed to Hong Kong
–– Ironically not potato masher.

Nigeria’s Vice President 'safe and sound' after helicopter crash on campaign trail
–– Sorry, rotor rooters.

Rapper Bow Wow arrested, charged with battery in Atlanta
–– Little feller only needed one AAA.

Ronny Jackson appointed Trump's chief medical advisor amid Pentagon investigation
–– As to his fitness, Trump enthused, "He has incredibly good genes, and it's just the way God made him.”

Tulsi Gabbard to officially launch 2020 campaign after rocky start
–– Sure to be dullsy.

She grew up in a community where women rule and men are banned
–– Already hyping Wonder Woman sequel?

Russia Pulls Out of Nuclear Treaty in ‘Symmetrical’ Response to U.S. Move
–– In latest slang for pre-arranged agreement.

Week of 02/01/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Pompeo announces suspension of nuclear arms treaty with Russia
–– Russia’s outraged reaction: ‘Spasibo.’

Theresa May Calls for Reopening Brexit Pact With E.U.
–– Operation Pandora’s Box.

US pulling out of the INF treaty rewards Putin, hurts NATO
–– Whatta coinkydink!

With Trump Set To Exit The INF Treaty, We're Headed Toward A New Nuclear Arms Race
–– An old-fashioned pission contest.

Trump blasts intel chiefs as 'passive and naive'
–– As opposed to ‘hyperactive and dead wrong.’

'Go back to school': Trump assails U.S. intel chiefs after they contradict him on Iran, North Korea
–– Sadly Trump U closed.

Trump insists he's on same page as intel chiefs after insulting them
–– The Funnies.

Trump and his intel chiefs are worlds apart on ISIS, Russia, border
–– Strategy, reality.

Intelligence Chiefs Set to Outline Threat of Chinese Cyberspying
–– If they can find those PowerPoint files on FBI computer.

Chinese engineer charged with stealing secret material from Apple
–– From core business?

Unredacted lawsuit against OxyContin maker reveals they pushed opioid as a low-addiction risk
–– Lower than their addiction to green.

Sightings of rare oarfish in Japan raise fears of earthquake and tsunami
–– In their tiny rowboats.

Turns Out Americans Actually Do Want to Tax the Rich
–– Well spank my schaden and call me Freude!

Blocked calls with Donald Trump Jr., long a mystery, went to longtime family friends: Sources
–– New mystery: longtime friends?

Donald Trump Jr. thinks 'Saturday Night Live' is called 'S&L'
–– Savings and loon crisis.

Mitch McConnell: Democrats' Voting Rights Bill Just A 'Political Power Grab'
–– 'Leave Democracy to the well-paid professionals!'

Elizabeth Warren Says Sears Workers Suffered While Leadership Self-Dealed
–– Or ‘Polished the Chairman’, ‘Beat the Board’, ‘Spanked the CEO’.

Just 4% of companies boosted hiring because of tax cuts
–– Mnuchin promises each engraved No-Prize.

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Being Sued for Causing "Serious Brain Injuries" When "Skiing Out of Control"
–– Suing self?

Jennifer Lopez's Latest Instagram Has Both Her Current and Ex-Boyfriend Salivating
–– Happens when you date dogs.

Ex-Trump Aide Says He Helped Create White House Enemies List ‘To Get Ahead’
–– Whose?

Cliff Sims says Trump didn’t invest in the White House staff
–– Unless you count Filet-o-Fish budget.

Richard E. Grant Tears Up at Barbra Streisand Reply to Fan Letter He Wrote When He Was 14
–– The way weep were.

Dr. Pimple Popper Season 2, Episode 5 Might Actually Make You Cry
–– She squeezes zit pretty hard.

Bella Thorne says she lost roles after coming out as bisexual
–– And nontalented.

Sarah Sanders: God 'wanted Donald Trump to become president'
–– For He is vengeful God.

Dick Miller, 'Gremlins' and 'The Howling' Star, Dies at 90
–– Miller lites out.

Gov. Cuomo shrugs off bishops' calls for his excommunication
–– Like unwelcome hand on crotch.

‘Luke Cage’: Star Mike Colter on How Unlikely It Is the Series Will Return
–– Will be Colter day in Hell.

‘They’re squishing me': Plane passenger complains she is sat between two 'big pigs'
–– Could barely reach slop.

Tyson recalls 36,000 pounds of chicken nuggets that may contain rubber
–– To make them taste more like McNuggets.

75% of the US will suffer below-freezing temps this week. But wait! There's more ...
–– … it’s Winter!

Polar Vortex Plunges Midwest In Misery, But Here's Some Good News
–– It’s Midwest.

‘Coldest air in a generation' hits the Midwest. Officials warn of almost instant frostbite
–– Chicago deep-dish pizzas to be served on sticks.

Women invited to wear white to Trump's State of the Union address
–– Typical at funerals?

’Mary Poppins,’ and a Nanny’s Shameful Flirting With Blackface
–– Soot yourself.

Ted Bundy Wasn't Special Or Smart. He Was Just White.
–– Worse than serial killer.

Stacey Abrams to give Democratic response of the State of the Union
–– Was other big loser O’Rourke busy?

Former Trump aide with tell-all book says he witnessed Kellyanne Conway leaking information first hand
–– WH was like doorless toilet stall.

‘Leaving Neverland' Director Hits Back at Michael Jackson Estate, Family
–– One eyed Jax.

Dusan Makavejev, Yugoslavian Director of 'Montenegro,' Dies at 86
–– Will miss aSerbic wit.

Daniel Radcliffe Rips Tom Brady's MAGA Hat, Says He's Backing Rams In Super Bowl
–– Pat response.

President Trump will sit down with CBS' Margaret Brennan for Super Bowl interview
–– Giving fans alternative to hating Pats.

A boy who was lost in the woods says a bear kept him company. No one can prove it didn't happen.
–– Can’t bear witness?

Belarusian 'sex coach' says she was warned to keep quiet about oligarch Oleg Deripaska
–– Told to take one for team.

A Duke professor warned Chinese students to speak English
–– In an English-language University!

Postal Service Honors Gregory Hines With Stamp
–– Tapped out.

There’ve never been male cheerleaders at the Super Bowl. That's about to change
–– Rah meat.

‘Mean as a Snake’: When President Trump Met the Real Mitch McConnell
–– With same lizard brain.

Trump Thought Firing Flynn Would End ‘Russia Thing,’ Chris Christie Writes in Book
–– Peering in crystal ball Putin gave him.

Trump asked Chris Christie numerous times if he was willing to be vice president, former NJ governor says
–– Making it so much sweeter when he chose Pence.

Chris Christie says Kushner's father committed 'one of the most loathsome, disgusting crimes' he prosecuted
–– Set bar low for Jared who crawled under.

Christie: Bad and stupid people surrounded Trump
–– Stooge's unexpected moment of self-awareness.

Former 49ers QB Joe Montana, partners invest $75M in marijuana business
–– San Francisco 420ers.

Teacher says she was fired for using medical marijuana: 'I was never putting my children in jeopardy'
–– ‘I mean the fumes made them sooo chill.’

A Tiny Screw Shows Why iPhones Won’t Be ‘Assembled in U.S.A.’
–– Similar to bigger one customer gets paying $1000 for one.

2013 Mac Pro wasn't built in the U.S. because Apple couldn't get enough screws, report says
–– All in prisons.

‘He’s The Love Of My Life,’ Says Woman Dating Man Who Served Prison Time For Violent Crimes
–– Meet the base.

911 dispatcher hailed as a hero for staying on the phone to help boy with his homework
–– Failed real emergency callers.

Dallas Goldtooth: It's inexcusable how media is trying to flip the script on coverage of Native American activist and teens
–– Would much rather discuss cool tribal names.

Meghan McCain says any suggestion she's not still Republican is 'ridiculous'
–– Just listen to idiotic things she says.

Meghan McCain: 'I completely underestimated how powerful and how strong' Pelosi is
–– See?

’Fox & Friends’ Tells Trump He ‘Cares Way Too Much About People in the Media’
–– Then asks where are chocolates, champagne he promised.

Haotong Li Loses $98K in Prize Money Due to Caddie Mike Burrow's Penalty
–– Shouldn’t that be ex-caddie?

Alaskan father and son sentenced for killing a bear and her shrieking cubs
–– Well, they were making a racket.

U.S., Taliban Show Optimism in Afghan Peace Talks
–– 18 years of exorbitant, pointless conflict can instill that.

Hillary Clinton tells friends she's leaving 2020 door open
–– Bugs getting in…her head.

Red Sox News: Mookie Betts Won't Attend Donald Trump White House Visit
–– All Betts are off.

The 2020 Democratic field is the most diverse ever
–– Republican field most perverse.

Detroit Lions linebacker is charged with punching a NYPD officer in the face after being arrested
–– Awful paw decision.

Full McCarthy: ‘President is the only one who has been reasonable’ in shutdown negotiations
–– Like Trump’s Charlie McCarthy.

Lara Trump was right about the shutdown
–– She’s to Right, not right.

Furloughed workers: We support the shutdown
–– “Now ‘scuse us, we got’s to go drive some nails into our heads.’

Castro: Schultz running for president would give Trump 'best hope of getting re-elected'
–– Suggests Starbucks former CEO wake up, smell coffee.

Why The Witch Who Came from the Sea is my favourite Video Nasty
–– Those bloody castration scenes, ma’am?

Do remarks by Giuliani and Trump count as witness tampering or obstruction?
–– Only in Nation of Laws.

Kamala Harris wants to end private health insurance, a new Democratic litmus test
–– And new Republican panic button.

Extramarital affair with Kamala Harris? Former San Francisco mayor, 84, admits it happened
–– Knew Brown willy.

Former S.F. Mayor Willie Brown writes about dating Kamala Harris, appointing her to posts
–– Which sounds pretty kinky.

Music legend Charlie Daniels blasts NY's Dem governor over new abortion law: 'Satan is smiling'
–– Fiddle-dee-dee.

Fox News poll: Many Democrats want US to move towards socialism
–– Or ’non-lethal capitalism.’

Maduro Stymied in Bid to Pull $1.2 Billion of Gold From U.K.
–– Will release in penny rolls if he personally visits branch.

Lawyer: ‘No Direct Evidence’ That Nurse Raped Woman in Vegetative State Who Gave Birth
–– Aside from baby, DNA match?

Celine Dion Shut Down the Streets of Paris in a Plunging Alexandre Vauthier Jumpsuit
–– With matching suicide vest?

Congressional leaders point fingers after shutdown deal
–– Freshly removed from own asses.

Limbaugh, Coulter and friends bullied Trump into shutdown. Don't trash him for ending it.
–– If only Melania could’ve convinced them to Be Best.

President Trump's New Vow on His Border Wall: Give It to Me or the Government Could Shut Down Again in 3 Weeks
–– Vows to get approval rating below 30%.

Trump orders ‘several thousand’ more troops to US-Mexico border, costing taxpayers over $600m
–– But how can you put price on false sense of security?

President Trump says Republicans 'wasting their time' on border security talks
–– First non-lie this week. It’s Thursday.

St. Louis cop charged in Russian Roulette shooting death of fellow officer, police say
–– One-shot deal.

Prosecutors lay out volume of evidence collected from Roger Stone's hard drives, email accounts
–– Volume at 11.

Stone tells Fox's Tucker Carlson that he is 'in for the fight of his life'
–– Worse than tussle with tanning bed?

Trump Says Stone Didn’t Work for Him ‘Anywhere Near Election’
–– Latest example of disassociative disorder.

What is the likelihood that Roger Stone agrees to testify against Trump?
–– Same odds he has mouth, voice box.

Roger Stone downplays 'process crime' after arrest by FBI
–– While being processed by agents.

Defiant Roger Stone posts picture of Mueller’s 'nothingburger' as Trump comes to his defense
–– With him spread all over it.

Roger Stone Calls CNN’s Jake Tapper ‘Light in the Loafers’ After Prison Jab
–– Both butts of insults.

Nixon Foundation Scrambles To Distance Late President From Roger Stone
–– Only 45 years late.

Dog Survives Being Shot Through the Head with an Arrow: 'She Is the Luckiest Unlucky Girl'
–– Cupid suspected in tragic pre-Valentine’s Day mishap.

Blind woman says Uber driver refused to let her in car with service dog
–– And let him sit on lap with head out window.

The Latest: Venezuelan military attache breaks with Maduro
–– Pronounces self dettache.

Elliott Abrams, prominent D.C. neocon, named special envoy for Venezuela
–– Administration will leave no stone unturned to hire what’s underneath.

Judge Jeanine: Trump tries to make decisions that are best for you and me
–– If you are me.

Patty Jenkins Says Kristen Wiig’s ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ Villain Is ‘Something Incredible’
–– Expect big wiig.

Fox News' Sean Hannity Issues Warning To People Saying Donald Trump 'Caved'
–– ‘Telling the truth is very, very dangerous.’

IMF’s Lagarde on the absence of women at banks: 'Be careful what you look like'
–– Be on your Lagarde.

Michel Legrand, Oscar-Winning Composer, Dies at 86
–– Legrand totaled.

With Deadline Looming, Border Security Talks Face Hurdles in Congress
–– Sure to hit wall.