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Rudy Toot Toots
Week of 12/27/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Parody entitled Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reprobate with puppet Donald Trump and Giuliani as a reindeerTrump appears to joke, blames Trudeau for being cut from 'Home Alone 2' in Canada
–– Threatens to CGI him into Cats.

How Will History Books Remember the 2010s?
–– Books?

Giuliani claims he's 'more of a Jew' than Holocaust survivor George Soros
–– ‘And I cause far more tsuris.’

Rudy Giuliani Doubles Down On Anti-Semitic Attacks Against George Soros
–– Claims: ‘I’m jewier Jew. And way cheaper!’

Rudy Giuliani Tells Reporter: 'I Know How Not To Commit Crimes'
–– ‘But do anyhow.’

Ex-Giuliani Adviser Says Giuliani's Behavior 'Part of a Calculated Plan'
–– Calculated with broken abacus.

Giuliani pals leveraged GOP access to seek Ukraine gas deal
–– Blame Hunter Biden.

Sen. Murkowski ‘disturbed’ by McConnell’s approach on impeachment
–– What about betraying oath, destroying Constitution is 'disturbing'?

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell amid impeachment battle: 'I'm the 2nd most despised Republican'
–– Americans’ funny about traitors.

Emails Show White House Moved To Halt Ukraine Aid Right After 'Perfect Call'
–– Voted 'Coincidence of 2010s.'

Donald Trump promotes White House aide who refused to testify in impeachment inquiry
–– Usually pays cash.

Doug Jones says he'll vote to acquit Trump if ‘dots aren't connected’
–– In completed line drawing of ultimate corruption.

Radio Legend Don Imus Dies at 79
–– Imus in the mourning.

Lee Mendelson, Prolific Producer of ‘Peanuts’ and ‘Garfield’ TV Specials, Dies at 86
–– It's the Grim Reaper, Charlie Brown.

‘Lolita’ Star Sue Lyon Dies at 73
–– Lyon down.

Record Hit for Most Ice to Melt in Antarctica in One Day, Data Suggests
–– High water mark.

Stunning Video Shows Herd of Elk Running up a Hill near Denver
–– Chased by stoners wanting to ride them.

How ancient cosmic explosions may have forced humans to walk upright
–– Went off in loincloths.

Galactic cosmic ray model works without physics, and that is bad
–– Never passed final exam.

Physicists discover how to safely create star power on Earth
–– Hire world’s biggest PR firm.

Can you guess what Elon Musk's favorite movie and Netflix series were in 2019?
–– Can we make you try, loser?

Phil Spector sports a new look in recently released mugshot
–– Likes it when cellmate wears fright wig.

Arrest made in shooting of 13 people at memorial party for man killed by gun violence
–– Suspect said he hoped to help folks save on catering for separate memorial party.

Police are searching for an inmate who escaped jail by carving through a brick wall
–– With his face?

Fired FBI official says government withholding evidence in suit
–– Wants officials to reveal what they have up sleeve.

Assad and Putin are responsible for Syria's latest wave of suffering
–– Claim proudly in joint press release.

Trump says he's ready to handle North Korea 'gift,' it might be a 'beautiful vase'
–– With 10-megaton spray.

Fellow Navy SEALs call Edward Gallagher "toxic" and "evil" in never-before-seen interviews
–– Trump now considering for Secretary of Navy.

Intel probe puts CIA’s Haspel in a bind
–– Like in torture she OK’d?

Jets Rumors: HC Adam Gase Says 'I'm Rich as F--k' as Response to Fan Criticism
–– Not gormless f--k Woody Johnson who owns team.

NBC says its hockey analyst Jeremy Roenick is suspended without pay for 'making inappropriate comments' about his co-workers
–– Wrist slap shot.

New wife, 26, charged with exploiting husband, 77, for money
–– File under S for ‘Shocked, Simply Shocked.’

Museum of Hangovers opens in Zagreb, Croatia
–– Very, very quietly.

British lawyer claims he killed fox with baseball bat while wearing wife's kimono, sparks backlash, investigation
–– Can’t explain what fox was doing in her teddy.

Ed Sheeran says he began his weight loss journey after being fat shamed
–– Will talent shaming make him begin career loss journey?

Ram Dass, LSD Pioneer and George Harrison Inspiration, Dead at 88
–– Dass all, folks.

Jerry Herman, composer behind ‘Hello, Dolly!’ and ‘La Cage aux Folles,’ dies at 88
–– Death: 'It’s so nice to have you back where you belong.'

David Foster, Producer of ‘The Getaway’ and ‘The Thing,’ Dies at 90
–– Got away.

Emanuel Ungaro, French Fashion Designer, Dies at 86
–– Fitted with sleek, patterned shroud.

Sharon Osbourne says she forced an assistant to enter a burning house to retrieve artwork -- and then fired him
–– While Ozzie sang Crazy Train.

Russia Is a Mess. Why Is Putin Such a Formidable Adversary?
–– Um, assassination?

China, Russia and Iran hold joint naval drills in Gulf of Oman
–– Bad Oman.

Japan Shrinks by 500,000 People as Births Fall to Lowest Number Since 1874
–– Government blames bukkake.

Homelessness rose 2.7% in 2019, driven by a surge in California, HUD says
–– Progressives takin' it to the streets.

Saudi Arabia Sentences Five People to Death for Murder of Journalist Jamal Khashoggi
–– None named Salman.

Putin rebuffs Western criticism of 1939 Stalin-Hitler pact
–– Calls 5 million Soviet citizens who died from starvation from 1931-1934 'clerical error.'

Trump seemed more concerned with wind turbines than impeachment at conservative youth rally
–– Producing enough hot air to power West Palm Beach for year.

Something Trump Doesn't Know: Wind. But He Has Studied Windmills 'Better Than Anybody.'
–– ‘Donkey Hooty comes to me to learn about them.’

US ambassador recalled after dispute with Zambian government over gay rights and corruption
–– Lusaka punch.

Price of electricity for Zambians will double next month
–– Next US ambassador will suggest it be tripled.

Washington Post: Trump administration has tried to cut billions in foreign aid to fight corruption despite calling it a priority
–– And add billions to spread it.

Fact check: Did 'The Two Popes' really bond over Fanta, pizza and soccer?
–– We heard it was wine, wafers and roller derby.

Will Julian Edelman, Patriots be punished for faking a head injury against the Bills?
–– Or be treated for actual head injury which had him believing he could get away with it?

Boeing fires CEO Muilenburg as 737 MAX crisis deepens
–– Stalls out.

Youth who abused same-sex couple on London bus ordered by judge to attend diversity sessions
-– To identify other targets.

A 300-million-year-old lizard might be the earliest animal to care for its offspring, a new study says
–– If you choose not to believe offspring's tell-all Swampy Dearest.

Boy wearing ‘anxiety-inducing’ snake T-shirt forced to change before being allowed to fly
–– Several frightened passengers had to change selves, too.

Critically Endangered Crocodile Shot Dead After Biting Zookeeper
–– Justifying designation in spades.

Man accidentally shoots himself while trying to steal puppy
–– Paw shot.

The US has decided to stop sending bomb-sniffing dogs to two Middle Eastern countries after many of the animals died
–– Smell a rat.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez says it would 'be an honor' to be Bernie Sanders' vice president
–– Talk about dream ticket …for Trump.

Sarah Huckabee Says She’s Considering Running for Arkansas Governor, Her Dad’s Old Job
–– Her Little Rocks bigger than his.

How ‘Centrist Bias’ Hurts Sanders and Warren
–– Almost as much as 'reality bent.'

Pete Buttigieg Surrogate: Impeachment is a Washington issue
–– Claims before going into labor.

‘He’s sort of an old soul': Why Pete Buttigieg does better with the older voters than younger ones
–– In latest slang for ‘narc.’

Warren criticizes Buttigieg over Swarovski crystal-encrusted wine cave fundraiser
–– In latest definition of ‘prig.’

Elizabeth Warren once held campaign event at restaurant with 'wine vault'
–– Her presence soured entire stock.

Andrew Yang has defied expectations. Can he turn that into a 2020 win?
–– No. Next question?

Q&A: Bernie Sanders says Trump will be hard to beat. but he knows how to do it
–– Shows interviewers cudgel.

She Says Her Best Friend Sold Her To A Pimp. The Court Says She's A Criminal.
–– Uh, which she, again?

A California teacher was placed on leave after allegedly telling students she wants to 'bring back slavery'
–– Caused chain reaction.

Stephen Miller Says ‘Donald Trump Is the Anti-Racist President’
–– More Auntie Racist.

In leaked audio, a top Trump adviser said the Republican party has 'traditionally' relied on voter suppression
–– Great tradition like segregated toilets.

France blocks export of $26M masterpiece found in kitchen
–– On shopping block.

Man called 'Muslim c***' on the tube speaks out about racist abuse
–– Did she call back?

Is Baby Yoda over? Babu Frik is now the most adorable thing in the 'Star Wars' galaxy
–– Frik that.

Huge 'Skywalker' debut sales lowest of recent 'Star Wars' trilogy
–– Talk about good news/bad news.

Oscar Isaac wished his 'Star Wars' character's romance with John Boyega's Finn 'would have been taken further'
–– Two bores made for each other.

'Little Women' and 20 other great films directed by American women
–– Other?

Men Are Dismissing ‘Little Women.’ What a Surprise.
–– Can they just dismiss ‘think’ pieces like this?

Terry Gilliam Trashes ‘Black Panther': ‘It’s Utter Bulls—‘
–– Wakanda whatever!

‘Cats’ Star James Corden Has Yet to See ‘Cats,’ but He Has ‘Heard It’s Terrible’
–– Pricked up furry lil ears.

Universal Pictures to re-release ’Cats’ after audience complains
–– Not exactly what complainers were asking for.

Universal Cuts "Cats" From Its FYC Page
–– Adds to For Your Contempt list.

Taylor Swift auditioned for 'Les Mis'; director Tom Hooper explains why she wasn't cast
–– And why he condemned her to Cats.

People Are Warning Each Other About an Ableist Plot Line in Netflix's 'The Witcher'
–– Writers aren't ablest?

Jennifer Lopez opens up about dating Sean 'Diddy' Combs and Ben Affleck: 'It was crazy'
–– Or ‘I was crazy’?

Farrah Abraham Has Had Some More Work Done and Fans Have Thoughts
–– Fans? Thoughts?!!

Romance Writers of America Suspends Novelist Courtney Milan for Calling Rival’s Work ‘Racist Mess’
–– Bodacious ripper.

Injury-Plagued Madonna Cancels Last North American Show of Madame X Tour: 'Indescribable Pain'
–– Concert-goers, ears bleeding, writhing in agony on floor.

Parents of Madonna's new 'boyfriend' give consent to relationship despite 36-year age gap
–– Cost $10G per year plus lubricants.

Jodie Turner-Smith and Joshua Jackson Have Quietly Married
–– Quietly because even family doesn’t know who they are.

Communists mark 140th birthday of Joseph Stalin
–– Banish children to unheated room for week with only bread, water.

‘If they have to testify under oath, he has to leave': Scaramucci reveals four witnesses whose testimony could force Trump to resign
–– ‘If’ size of Airforce One.

GOP Unity Doesn’t Arise From Fear of Trump
–– They’re criminals in own right.

Earth’s magnetic north pole is skittering wildly across the Arctic. By 2040, our compasses 'will point eastward of true North,' an expert says.
–– Attractor pull.

Pete Davidson Jokingly Addresses His Romance with Kaia Gerber: 'The World Wants to Punch Me'
–– Would need to be thinking of you.

Don’t Say Dorms: L.A. Millennials Go Communal for Budget, Ease and Socializing
–– Say dumbs.

Eddie Murphy Brings Back Gumby, Buckwheat, 'Mister Robinson's Neighborhood' on 'SNL'
–– Only Norbit, Pluto Nash, Sherman Klump find funny.

'Back to being a Hollywood Slave': Bill Cosby's rep lashes out at Eddie Murphy after 'SNL' gig
–– Justifiable Cos?

Eddie Murphy Names The Film He Feels Like An 'Idiot' For Turning Down
–– 21 he feels like ‘idiot’ for taking.

Janelle Monae Dyed Her Armpit Hair Neon Pink, and It Looks Awesome
–– In bush league?

Barneys Staff Say Final Days Feel "Like Our Parents Got Divorced"
–– And mom got all the obscenely overpriced ties.

Was the Virgin Mary a Virgin? Does It Matter?
–– Well, the way God was bragging …

No Christmas mass at Notre Dame for first time in 200 years
–– Quasimodo takes job as department store Père Noël, scares merde out of kids.

Chuck Todd Scorned After Admitting He Was 'Naive' About GOP
–– Told Santa Claus.

Police therapy dog identified as culprit in stolen toys case
–– Shot dead by Blitzen.

An entire Louisiana town was dusted with holy water for Christmas
–– Miracle turns water to dust.

A restaurant in Tennessee serves free Southern-style meals to anyone who walks in on Christmas
–– Edible food if they crawl in.

‘It’s so unfair’: Trump rages about impeachment in bizarre speech to students as he claims he revived phrase 'Merry Christmas'
–– And ‘Sweet Baby Jesus!’ in horror.

Banksy unveils controversial nativity mural ahead of Christmas in Bethlehem
–– Creches it.

Tesco's Chinese Christmas card maker denies using forced prison labor
–– Releases video with elves insisting they’re better treated than Foxconn workers.

Gwyneth Paltrow Reunites With Ex Chris Martin, Poses Topless Solo in Sauna for 'Pre-Christmas Schvitz'
–– If you give a schvitz.

'Angry' Tortoise Saved After Setting House Ablaze On Christmas
–– Teenage mutant pyro turtle.

How to Have Sex in Your Childhood Bedroom and Get Away With It
–– Warning: choking hazard!

Martin Scorsese's daughter trolls him by wrapping his Christmas gifts in Marvel-themed paper
–– Including The Irishman action figure.

Robert De Niro Fantasizes About 'Bag Of S**t' Hitting Donald Trump In The Face
–– Then take a swing.

After 'The Irishman,' Martin Scorsese ponders his future
–– Never gave it thought in previous 77 years.

Why Queen Elizabeth Is Quietly Ceding Power to Prince Charles
–– He’s holding blunderbuss to head.

Prince William 'part of decision to sack Andrew over sex scandal'
–– After royal employee complaint was referred to HRH department.

Barack Obama Is Spending His Holiday Break In Hawaii Hugging Babies
–– Prince Andrew asks to join him.

Queen Elizabeth II's Second Annus Horribilis: Is The Monarchy Still Fit To Serve Its Purpose?
–– Andrew tore her another annus.

Brussels puppet theatre adds Monty Python humour to nativity tale
–– Picks their Brian.

Vikings didn't just murder monks and pillage monasteries – they helped spread Christianity too
–– It takes a pillage.

Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Winter Vacation Pushes Taxpayer Golf Tab Above $118 million
–– Birdie told us.

Ricky Gervais Faces Backlash Ahead of Golden Globe Hosting Gig for Tweets Deemed Transphobic
–– Ricky tizzy tacky.

Janis Joplin enjoyed 'the many pleasures that came her way' to cope with insecurities, book claims
–– Freedom’s just another word for nothing left but booze.

New Mexico GOP draws heat for 'complexion' remark about Dems
–– Shading them.