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Impeach Pits
Week of 12/20/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Impeached for Abuse of Power and Obstruction of Congress
–– Senate duty: revise and dissent.

S&P 500, Dow, Nasdaq Notch New Records
–– Companies love misery.

Trump Diatribe Belittles Impeachment as ‘Attempted Coup’ on Eve of Votes
–– Coup de graceless.

‘Family feud’: Trump still grumbling about witness-free impeachment trial
–– Angry because he’d lined up Dennis Rodman, Gary Busey, Vince Neil to vouch for character.

Splintered US moves to subject Trump to 'profound disgrace'
–– Impossible for man with no shame.

Why Democrats will come to regret impeaching President Trump
–– Half who vote shouldn't.

Senate Republicans Push Ahead With Probe of ‘Ukraine Collusion,’ Despite Warnings It’s a Kremlin Operation
–– Is ‘despite’ synonym for ‘because’?

Vladimir Putin says Trump was impeached for 'made-up reasons'
–– ‘We made up.’

Turns Out Mitch McConnell Might Have More Soft Spots in His Caucus Than Nancy Pelosi Does
–– Around crania.

Courthouse Dogs Act Passed by Senate, Allowing Emotional Assistance Animals
–– Yet Republicans refuse to drag biggest dog into impeachment trial.

Democrats Are Ignoring the Reality That Trump Won—And Is Still Winning
–– Let each deny own reality.

Former Director Of CIA And FBI Warns Of 'Dire Threat' To America From Trump, Barr
–– Why would we listen to some old man telling absolute truth?

Megyn Kelly Says President Trump's Impeachment Is "Rigged"
–– Bombshell! Kelly’s an idiot.

Donald Trump Accidentally Attacked E.T. And Became A Hilarious Alien Meme
–– Phony home.

Trump signs $1.4 trillion bill to avoid government shutdown, raise minimum age for tobacco
–– Is he old enough to stoke?

Trump team wanted Ukraine language out of spending bill
–– Insisted it be written in really simple English.

Trump implies that the late Rep. John Dingell is 'looking up' from hell
–– While preparing spot for him?

Trump impeachment: Lindsey Graham will 'not pretend to be a fair juror'
–– Will he even act like law-abiding citizen?

Graham: Trump is ‘mad as hell’ about delayed Senate trial
–– Think 'mad as hatter' is phrase.

Lindsey Graham calls out Trump after attack
–– Gnaturally.

Poll: Democrats wary of nominating older candidate
–– Will write in Greta Thunberg.

Michael Bloomberg Lists Every Trump Era School Shooting In Viral Ad
–– Bullet point presentation.

‘OK Boomer’: A Defining Generation Becomes a Label for Irrelevance
–– In meaningless world.

Trump Boasts About 'Strong' Relationship With Embattled Brazilian President
–– Doody bound.

Leaders of Russia, Turkey discuss fighting in Libya
–– Don’t care if it’s Atlantic City –– can’t wait to see Putin, Erdogan rumble.

Chinese leader Xi visits gambling hub Macau as nearby Hong Kong seethes
–– Rolls dragon eyes.

Hackers target people with epilepsy with mass strobe cyberattack designed to trigger seizures, advocacy group warns
–– News flash.

A nuclear attack would most likely target one of these 6 US cities — but experts say none of them are prepared
–– Recommend more duck-and-cover drills, school desks to hide under.

Charles Dickens Lost His Last Christmas Turkey to a Freak Fire
–– Set by geek who'd bit off its head.

Whitney Cummings Says An Intern Reported Her To HR For Saying 'Merry Christmas'
–– Seasonal affection disorder.

Tekashi 6ix9ine Ordered to Mental Health Program upon Prison Release
–– Tagged 5ifty0ne5ifty.

Pat Sajak opens up about his emergency surgery. The pain was so strong he thought he would die
–– Was consonant away from _rop _ea_.

Wyoming students disciplined after coming to school in white robes and a hood
–– Pre-KKK?

Bed Bath & Beyond's new CEO just laid off nearly his entire C-Suite
–– Bloodbath & beyond.

Jersey City official called on to resign after post on Facebook calls Jewish people 'brutes'
–– Et Jew brute?

25 Jewish lawmakers call on top Trump adviser to be dismissed
–– Miller blite.

Men Are in Trouble and Hollywood Wants to Help
–– Bury them.

Gabrielle Union on speaking up for what's right after 'AGT': 'Don't be the happy negro that does the bidding'
–– Union busting.

Some Maniac Invented an Uncomfortable Toilet Seat to Keep Employees From Wasting Time
–– Decreasing work loads?

Listen, I Finally Get Pete Davidson’s Appeal to Women
–– ‘Had 5 cosmos and closed my eyes.’

German Shepherd gets stuck in a tree after chasing a cat
–– Out on limb chasing pussy.

Utah man found dead in a freezer had a notarized letter saying his wife wasn't responsible for his death
–– Solving cold case.

Shoplifters wanted after tossing infant at security guard during getaway, police say
–– Guard yelled: ‘Get down, he’s got a son!’

San Francisco homeless crisis worsens as people poop in stores, bite workers
–– Plumbing supply showrooms, at least.

’Love Island' host Caroline Flack steps down after assault charge
–– Beats it.

Prince Andrew was touted as 'bait' to lure teen girl to Epstein's Caribbean island, victim claims
–– Huge worm.

Troubled royal Prince Andrew arrives at Buckingham Palace for Queen’s Christmas lunch
–– Spotted dick.

Jeremy Corbyn blanks Boris during excruciatingly awkward walk ahead of Queen's Speech
–– Mistook for Trump impersonator.

'The three proudest sons on the planet': Corbyn's children offer heartfelt praise after election loss
–– ‘Like Tywin Lannister’s kids.’

Jeremy Corbyn actually lost a large number of young voters in the election
–– Only one of three sons voted for him.

Record number of women MPs elected to the House of Commons
–– Now for House of Ladies.

Tories are now the party of working class voters, election survey suggests
–– Proles love getting shagged by toffs.

Iain Duncan Smith defends US food standards including chlorinated chicken amid fears of Trump trade deal
–– Labour: ‘Tories placing chickens in public pools!’

Poland could exit EU over judicial reform clash: top Polish court
–– Backwards.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort discharged from hospital after cardiac event
–– Took two days to find heart.

Manafort’s NY fraud case tossed over double jeopardy concern
–– Judge: ‘Not that he doesn’t deserve additional 20 years…’

Rick Gates, former Trump campaign aide who testified to Mueller, sentenced to 45 days in jail
–– If only it could be in ex-boss Manafort’s cell.

Biden Vows to Ban Standardized Testing in Public Schools If Elected
–– Little dum-dums’ scores too embarrassing.

MSNBC's Biggest Election Year Fight May Be With the Left
–– Woke betide.

How 'Cats' Transformed Their Cast With Hot Sets and Phallic Tails
–– And licking selves.

George Lucas a no-show at 'Star Wars' premiere, reviews mixed
–– Yoda warned him: ’Suck, it does.’

‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’ Actually Makes ‘The Last Jedi’ and ‘The Force Awakens’ Worse
–– Which seemed impossible.

Same-Sex Kiss in 'Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker' Goes Uncut by China's Censors
–– Censors slept through it.

'Star Wars,' 'Avengers' and Different Ways of Saying Goodbye
–– Disastrous, not.

‘Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker’ Divides Critics in First Reactions: ‘Rude to Rian Johnson’
–– J.J. Abrams cuts one in general direction.

Star Wars' John Boyega & Kelly Marie Tran Pose Together After His Apology for Implying She's Weak
–– Should’ve stuck with ‘acting is.’

Daniel Day-Lewis Called Adam Sandler to Congratulate Him on His Uncut Gems Performance
–– Gushed it was ‘pure cubic zirconia.’

Harvey Weinstein Says He 'Pioneered' Work For Women: 'I Did It First!'
–– Daniel Boone of predators.

'Last Christmas' cruises to $100 million despite some terrible reviews
–– Audiences easily snowed.

Sam Mendes’ ‘Stomach Churns’ Thinking About Directing Bond Films: ‘There’s No Victory’
–– Just Spectre of defeat.

Quentin Tarantino Says He's 'Steering Away' From 'Star Trek' Movie
–– At warped speed.

Here's What Billionaires Actually Give Each Other As Gifts
–– Three-knuckle noogies.

Commissioner’s Wife Arrested After Allegedly Pouring Soda On Reporter's Head
–– Cooler heads did not prevail.

Hope Solo Announces She's Pregnant with Twins Just Months After Revealing Devastating Miscarriage
–– Says they feel like two soccer balls.

Erdogan says world cares more about Syria's oil than its children
–– Great Humanitarian, looking to dump 1 million refugees in area he ethnically cleansed, speaks.

Taliban aiming for an 'inclusive' Afghan government, spokesman says
–– All bombers welcome.

The Man I Had An Affair With Died And I Didn't Know What To Tell My Husband
–– I wish it was you.

Warren Backs Down on Medicare for All, Now Says It’s a ‘Choice’
–– Cites markdown for pie in sky.

I Quit The Black Eyed Peas. Then They Became Famous.
–– Did my Pete Best.

Trump's whistleblower claim receives 2019 'Lie of the Year' award from fact-checker PolitiFact
–– It was honor to just be nauseated.

Giuliani Provides Details of What Trump Knew About Ambassador’s Removal
–– In last-minute stab at ‘Lie of the Year.’

Robert De Niro denounces Trump’s kids on 'The View': ‘I would disown them’
–– But upkeep’s so cheap.

Former Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf sentenced to death for high treason
–– Way to make us feel jealous!

Ex-Sudan strongman al-Bashir gets 2 years for corruption
–– Glad he doesn’t live in Pakistan.

Judge rejects claims by Trump ex-adviser Flynn of FBI misconduct
–– Flynn-flam man.

Kentucky’s ex-governor pardoned a child rapist because the 9-year-old victim’s hymen was intact
–– Virgin on the criminal.

Star Behind Netflix Special With Gay Jesus Calls Backlash ‘Homophobic’
–– Where’s show with gay Imam?

Illegal Immigrants Can Now Get Driver’s Licenses In NY State
–– L-lCE-enses?

Feral Pigs Roam the South. Now Even Northern States Aren’t Safe.
–– Now that states issue licenses.

'Aggressive' 16-Foot-Long Python Drags Boy Into Bush, Father Fights Back
–– Boys and coils.

What happened to Homo erectus? Scientists believe climate change played a major role
–– In his going soft.

Prehistoric Humans Built a Wall to Keep Out the Sea—But It Failed
–– Leviathans paid for it.

New boson appears in nuclear decay, breaks standard model
–– Clears deck.

Pope removes shroud of secrecy from clergy sex abuse cases
–– Shroud of Obscurin’.

The Navy is building a ship named after Harvey Milk, six decades after he was pushed out of the military because of his sexual orientation
–– Queen will launch.

Chinese TV Drops English Soccer Match Over Player’s Political Comments
–– Dead header.

See salt truck plunge into Lake Michigan
–– Sea salt?

Shots were fired in an Atlanta mall following a dispute in the food court
–– Chick-fil-a ric-och-a.

Jennifer Lopez Calls Herself Alex Rodriguez's 'Fly Girl Forever' During Date Night in Miami
–– Fly out.

Harry Styles says he's not using sexual ambiguity to be 'more interesting'
–– Because nothing could accomplish that.

James Van Der Beek Says He and Wife Kimberly Are 'Still in Repair' After Miscarriage
–– Marriage bed on car lift.

Mexico will never accept 'disguised' labor inspectors under USMCA: foreign minister
–– ‘We can see right through sombreros, big droopy mustaches.’

Kristen Stewart Not ‘Gutted’ Over ‘Charlie’s Angels’ Box-Office Flop: ‘Dude, We Just Wanted to Have a Good Time’
–– Producers really hope she had fun.

'He was right, I was wrong': Former FBI director James Comey admits he was wrong to defend FBI's use of the FISA surveillance process
–– Comeytose.

U.N. Climate Talks End With Big Polluters Blocking Stronger Action
–– Behind smoke screen.

World leaders given an F on climate as Thunberg joins Swedish school strikers
–– Gimmee an F…O…S…S…I…L Gimmee an F…U…E…L

In historic ruling, Dutch court orders 25% cut in greenhouse gas emission by end of 2020
–– Edam told to cut the cheese.

Extinction Rebellion activists who glued themselves to trains spared jail as judge notes ‘noble’ cause
–– Won't stick it to them.

Box Office: Clint Eastwood Suffers Worst Opening in Four Decades With ‘Richard Jewell’
–– Um, bombs?

The ‘S.N.L.’ Stars Who Lasted, and the Ones Who Flamed Out
–– Lasted and still stink.

Chuy Bravo, Chelsea Handler's sidekick on TV talk show, dies at 63
–– Chuy’s the dust.

Felix G. Rohatyn, Financier Who Piloted New York’s Rescue, Dies at 91
–– With inter rest.

James 'Radio' Kennedy, football fixture who inspired a Hollywood movie, dies at 73
–– Station break.

Anna Karina, French New Wave Star and Jean-Luc Godard Collaborator, Dies at 79
–– Fin fatale.