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So Mitch the Worse
Week of 12/13/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

McConnell, Coordinating With White House, Lays Plans for Impeachment Trial
–– Can they synch any lower?

‘Rudolph,’ the Queerest Holiday Special
–– So how’d he get red nose?

House Judiciary Committee votes to impeach Trump, capping damaging testimony
–– With dunce cap.

Gaetz’s effort to make the impeachment hearing about Hunter Biden’s problems backfired spectacularly
–– Biden off more than he could chew.

White House further limits officials on Trump's foreign leader calls in wake of Ukraine scandal
–– Officials naturally quite limited.

Trump Says Rudy Giuliani Will Tell Congress About His Recent Ukraine Trip
–– If they watch his Fox News interviews.

Rudy Giuliani hoping to submit his Ukraine report to Congress, AG Barr this week
–– Just dotting T’s, crossing eyes.

Giuliani associate Lev Parnas tried hiding $1M Russia payment, prosecutors allege
–– Discovered during rectal exam.

A Great Big Gift Not on Trump’s Disclosure Form: Giuliani’s Legal Advice
–– Not that it’s worth penny.

Is Trumpism a cult?
–– Did Jim Jones shit in woods?

Trump shocks black voters — by trying to get their votes
–– Via Russian hackers.

Russian TV cuts show starring Ukraine's Zelensky after Putin joke
–– Putin-down humor.

New York Is Poised to Require Bird-Friendly Glass on All New Buildings
–– And posted signs above 75 feet: 'Keep Off Glass.'

Florida boy allegedly pummeled on school bus for wearing Trump 2020 hat
–– Thought he was riding MAGA Bus?

3 costumed characters taken into custody near Rockefeller Center
–– Try to raise bail by demanding cops pay $5 for selfies with them.

Kentucky governor pardons convicted killer whose brother hosted campaign fundraiser for him
–– Should get him to host home invasion.

‘Peloton wife' actress Monica Ruiz blames her face for the ad backlash
–– Doing some furious back-pedaling.

TLC's new 'Hot & Heavy' series faces backlash
–– Critics weigh in.

Pepsi’s new product has nearly twice as much caffeine as its regular soda
–– You'll fell Peppsy.

America’s Public Restrooms Are Kind of Great Now
–– Flushed with pride.

Thousands of exposed 'penis fish' washed up on a beach in California
–– Not even nude one.

Someone is Gluing Cowboy Hats to Las Vegas' Pigeons
–– Birds so drunk they were falling off.

They Came to Play Table Tennis. They Were Deported at Gunpoint in the Dark.
–– Bounced.

Ryan Reynolds Disagrees with Scorsese on Netflix and Phones: ‘Watch on Whatever F—ing Device You Want’ 
–– For 6 Underground, tinier the better.

Harvey Weinstein Reportedly Reaches Tentative $25 Million Settlement With Accusers
–– In assault shaker?

Man convicted of raping his fiancee’s dog to death set for deportation
–– To Dagestan?

Yankees Resume Reign as Offseason Kings with Historic Gerrit Cole Deal
–– And in-season Dicks.

Clinton Portis is among 10 former NFL players charged in an alleged health benefits scam worth over $3 million
–– Faked a pass.

Ancient humans learned to smile so they could get sex
–– Sadly dentistry took millennia more.

Rare find: human teeth used as jewellery in Turkey 8,500 years ago
–– Which totally bites.

Archaeologists Find First Ancient Egyptian Burial Head Cones
–– Inscribed with names Beldar-ra, Tut–Prymatt.

Transgender pupil, 12, given puberty blockers, as mother says she 'wanted to be a girl from age of three'
–– Saltpeter snacks.

Timothée Chalamet Pokes Fun at Scarlett Johansson's Claim She Should Be 'Allowed' to Play a Tree
–– Wooden mind.

More US contractors have died in Afghanistan than US troops — but the Pentagon doesn't keep track
–– Charge of the Freelancers.

Environmental Activist Greta Thunberg Is Named Time's 2019 Person of the Year
–– Melted editors’ cold hearts.

After Greta Thunberg Wins 'Time' Honor, Trump Suggests She 'Chill' And Watch A Movie
–– 'Like one of those icebergs you love.'

Michelle Obama to Greta Thunberg after Trump tweet: 'Don't let anyone dim your light'
–– ‘That’s powered by renewable energy.’

Trevor Noah on Trump vs. Greta: Like F.D.R. Bullying Shirley Temple
–– If Shirley attacked U.S. for not supporting tap dancing.

I need a break, says globetrotting Greta
–– Ditto.

EU commits to being carbon neutral by 2050, but gives Poland exemption
–– Will need to change pork, cabbage-based national diet.

The Space Force Will Become the Sixth Branch of the U.S. Military
— Where squirrels will definitely find nuts.

Elon Musk's mother unearthed a 1995 photo of him fixing a car window, and he joked he's come 'full circle' with Cybertruck
–– Shattering discovery.

Elizabeth Hurley says her Marvel's Runaways villain is her darkest role yet: 'What's not to love?’
–– Will make nauseous audiences feel kinda hurley.

Researchers asked 2,500 Jewish and Muslim people what they find offensive – here's what they said
–– Each other.

Many American Jews are worried Trump's decision to define Judaism as a nationality and not just a religion will do far more harm than good
–– Because his every other bizarre decision has?

GOP Candidate Challenging Maxine Waters Arrested For Allegedly Stalking Ex-Girlfriend
–– Should be persistent on trail.

Laurent Simons, 9-year-old prodigy, leaves university without graduating
–– No root beer at next frat party.

Popeyes debuts a chicken-inspired ugly Christmas sweaterPopeyes debuts a chicken-inspired ugly Christmas sweater
–– With festively-crocheted vomit down front.

France in FLAMES: Protestors arrested as fireworks thrown in rage at Macron pension reform
–– Yellow vested interests.

Former Trump physician Navy Rear Adm. Ronny Jackson running for Texas congressional seat
–– Slogan: ‘Has incredibly good genes … Might live to be 200.’

Mother passionately defends son who beat up bully: 'The school did nothing'
–– Woolly bully.

Incredible Footage Shows Python, Honey Badger and a Pair of Jackals Viciously Fighting in Botswana
–– After they walk into bar.

Atlanta Newspaper Demands 'Richard Jewell' Add Disclaimer Over "Reckless" Portrayal
–– Jewell in the clown.

Clint Eastwood, 89, 'Doesn't Think About' Age: 'Who The H--- Would Want to Live This Long'
–– Bleeped 'Hell' out of respect for Grampa?

Paul Walter Hauser Reflects on Bonding With Richard Jewell's Mother and That Emotional Donut Scene
–– ‘Clint just told it to think about the missing hole in its life and, like, waterworks.’

Before Death, Juice WRLD Flew on Jet Loaded With Drugs, Police Say
–– Juiced WRLD.

Bystanders stop man trying to steal a woman's wheelchair
–– Push back.

Andy Cohen Reveals His Son Benjamin Said 'Dada' for the First Time — Right When He Left the Room
–– And manny walked in.

Michelle Wolf Doesn’t Want to Be Your Folk Hero
–– Like Joan of Awkward?

Sean Payton took out his anger on a butcher after loss to 49ers: 'Worry about your freaking meat'
–– Same advice to team in shower room.

Oscar Isaac Says Denis Villeneuve’s Vision for ‘Dune’ Is ‘Nightmarish’ and ‘Brutalist’
–– And other appropriately pretentious adjectives.

Inspector general: Start of FBI Russia probe was justified and unbiased but investigation had significant errors
–– Insignificant compared to subject’s.

Ivanka Trump’s relationship with British spy revealed in new report strikes massive blow to president’s claims
–– Steele’s thunder.

Trump called the FBI 'scum' and hit out at the report that discredited his theory the Russia probe was a deep-state plot at a wild Pennsylvania rally
–– Immorale booster.

Sen. Lindsey Graham on DOJ watchdog report on FBI: Everyone involved "hated" Trump
–– Of course, they saw evidence.

Former top FBI lawyer: I want Trump 'to apologize to me'
–– Then ordered a chupacabra steak rare finished with Spice Melange impaled on a unicorn horn.

Fox’s Chris Wallace: IG report headline is 'It didn't find the things that Bill Barr and Donald Trump alleged'
–– So they climb further out on allege.

Pompeo says Trump warned Russia on election meddling, disputes Lavrov's account
–– Who you gonna believe. Really, who?!!

Lou Dobbs: DOJ IG Report Proves ‘Deep State’s Awesome Control’ of Our Government
–– And his hair dye.

GOP Counsel Dodges Questions On Whether Trump Blocked Witnesses From Testifying
–– After refusing to admit to own name.

Ukrainians: Trump Just Sent Us ‘a Terrible Signal’
–– Image of pig projected in night sky.

This artificial skin lets robots 'feel' like humans can
–– Condoms made from electronic sheep.

Steve Harvey has another awkward Miss Universe moment
–– For anyone who gives fig for either.

Audible Laughter On Broadcast As Ted Cruz Claims Ukraine Meddled In 2016 Election
–– Cruz cut.

Russia's only aircraft carrier catches fire; 6 believed injured and 1 missing
–– WWII Messerschmitts stolen from Germany damaged.

Amazon claims Trump interfered with Pentagon contract in order to hurt Jeff Bezos
–– Hey, he owns government, can do what he likes.

Bill Hemmer Replacing Shepard Smith on Fox News
–– Hemmer rides.

Dentist filmed riding hoverboard during patient procedure
–– While on novocaine IV.

‘When They See Us' shut out from Golden Globe nominations
–– Guess they won’t.

Trump and Saudi Arabia stay close after Pensacola shooting
–– Well, it was no Khashoggi dismemeberment or 9/11.

Pentagon halts operational training for Saudi military students after Pensacola shooting
–– Will need to do rampage reps on own.

Walmart pulls sweater with Santa doing cocaine from website
–– Snow skin up their nose.

Climate change activists block road outside Heathrow Airport to demonstrate against third runway
–– Disrupt flight attendants’ fashion show.

Rick Carlisle happy for David Fizdale ‘to be out of that terrible mess that he had nothing to do with’
–– Paid millions as innocent bystander.

Joe Biden: prosecute companies that stop workers forming unions
–– In Edsel, asbestos, transistor radio factories.

Joe Biden Tells Trump to 'Give It a Rest' on Day President Tweets 123 Times
–– ‘You’re gonna wear out the crank or whatever the heck you use.’

Biden warns that Boris Johnson's victory shows dangers of parties leaning too far left
–– Fears Corbyn copy.

Why Warren’s Drop In the Polls Is Good News for Her
–– And us!

Democrats Must Not Have an All-White Debate—and the White Candidates Should Say So
–– So hire Tiffany Haddish as guest candidate?

Boris Johnson says 'it couldn't be tighter' as 'critical' general election nears
–– Referencing sphincter.

Brexit Party will be renamed the 'Reform Party' if Britain leaves the EU in January, Nigel Farage says
–– Not Deform Party?

‘Are those pigs I see flying?’: Bercow ridicules Tory minister over post-Brexit trade deal with US
–– Yeah, first-class.

Queen wears a 'never seen before' piece of royal jewellery at the Diplomatic Reception
–– From great-granddaughter Charlotte’s Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Up Game.

Prince Charles invited a 13-year-old hedge layer to Sandringham
–– Isn’t that Andrew’s thing?

Passenger stung by scorpion which fell out of her trousers during United Airlines flight
–– Insulted her before stomping off.

“Milky Nails" Are the Manicure Trend You're Going to See All Throughout 2020
–– Among dairy farmers.

Jennifer Lopez Brings Back That Iconic Green Dress, Heads Explode On 'SNL'
–– Little pink ones?

For the first time in US history, a decade will pass without the country falling into a recession
–– No end in sight to mental depression.

Trump Slammed For Insisting 'Killer' Real Estate Jews Will Back Him To Save Their Wealth
–– We do Nazi problem with that.

A top Trump health appointee reportedly tried to get taxpayers to reimburse her for $47,000 in jewelry that got stolen from a rented SUV
–– ‘Stolen’ by Ben Carson, in on scheme.

At Least One Dead After Volcano Erupts on New Zealand Island
–– As advertised.

12-year-old Florida girl arrested for posting death list on Snapchat, sheriff's office says
–– Logo is ghost.

Washington Post: Barr told Trump he was not being well served by Giuliani
–– Suggested he wear butler uniform.

A New Jersey bill would require schoolchildren to be taught cursive handwriting
–– Students hurl cursives at lawmaker.

The Patriots were defeated by the Kansas City Chiefs breaking their 21-game home winning streak
–– Pat down.

Paul Volcker, former Fed chairman who fought inflation, dies at 92
–– Inflation being held on manslaughter.

Danny Aiello, ‘Do The Right Thing’ and ‘Moonstruck’ star, dies at 86
–– Closeout Sal.

Caroll Spinney, Big Bird’s Alter Ego on ‘Sesame Street,’ Is Dead at 85
–– Spinney in his grave.

Actor René Auberjonois, known for 'Benson' and 'Star Trek,' has died at 79
–– Walk away, René.

Elizabeth Warren made at least $1.9 million for past private legal work
–– May need to painfully tax self.

Biden, 'The Irishman' and the enduring power of aging white men
–– Or Grumpy Old Killers.