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Rudy of All Evil
Week of 11/29/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Rudolph Giuliani and Ukrainian President Zelensky in a spoof of the Rudolph Valentino movie The Son of the Shiek retitled The Son of the CheatGiuliani Pursued Business in Ukraine While Pushing for Inquiries for Trump
–– Is multi-tasking illegal now?

The Senate jury pool is tainted
–– From GOP pissing selves.

Trump impeachment: White House 'can't find any record' of call which president insists exonerates him
–– There is informal ‘memo’ scrawled in Sharpie.

In a huge blow to Trump, DOJ watchdog found no evidence to support the claim that the FBI spied on his 2016 campaign
–– His proof is in the Putin.

Tucker Carlson Calls Trump A 'Full-Blown BS Artist' And Admits He's A Liar
–– From man who's fully blown BS artists.

OMB official warned boss Ukraine aid freeze may have been illegal
–– Office of Maybe Bad.

Ex-CIA Officer Says Giuliani's Pursued Ukraine Dealings Are 'Corruption'
–– Ex-fish and game warden could’ve told you that.

Federal Prosecutors Issue Subpoenas in Wide-Ranging Probe into Giuliani’s Business
–– Seeking mayor culpa.

Giuliani Walks Back Claim Of 'Insurance' Against Trump: It Was Sarcasm
–– 'It was the Smart-Asti Spumante talking.'

Giuliani backpedals after reckless remarks threaten Trump graces
–– On clown unicycle.

Republican running against Ilhan Omar banned from Twitter after calling for rival to be hanged
–– C'mon, for treason, not because she's …y'know!

Kid Rock Goes on Drunken Rant About Oprah …And I Ain’t Racist!!!
–– Hard to distinguish from purely stupid.

Papa John's founder John Schnatter ate 40 pizzas in 30 days and says it's gotten worse
–– The IBS?

House Democrats have passed nearly 400 bills. Trump and Republicans are ignoring them.
–– Grimlock.

'A Warning' By Anonymous Replaces Donald Trump Jr.'s Book As No. 1
–– Raising from second to fouth grade level.

Gordon Sondland Accused of Sexual Misconduct by Three Women
–– Because of course.

Aubrey Huff Says He's Teaching Sons To Shoot Guns In Case Bernie Sanders Beats Trump
–– Goes off in Huff.

Woman’s thug ex-partner who broke into house and attacked her saved by friend - who whacked him with a frying pan
–– In short order.

Man accidentally swallows dentures while eating pancakes, report says
–– Sunk teeth into.

‘Cruel And Appalling': Democrats Decry ICE Arrests At Fake University
–– Give third degree.

Martin O'Malley Confronts Top Trump Immigration Official At D.C. Bar
–– Stoned-scold sober.

Inbreeding may have helped cause Neanderthals to go extinct, study says
–– Theory of relativity.

Wild Rice Isn't Actually Rice At All...
–– Not a single grain of truth.

British hockey player fights for career after ball fractures face
–– Trying to prove it's not 'girl's sport.'

A group of hikers in New Hampshire used a metal detector to find a wedding ring lost on a snowy mountain
–– And what is believed to be Nathan Hale's cock ring.

Madonna cancels 'Madame X Tour' dates because of pain
–– In fans’ ears.

A couple surprised their Denny's waitress who walked hours to work with a new car
–– She pushed all the way.

Where the Nurse Prescribes Heroin
–– And is nicknamed 'Smack Daddy.'

UPS workers allegedly trafficked 1,000s of pounds of drugs and fake vape pens across the country
–– What can Brown Sugar do for you?

'Teacher of the Year' at Texas High School Allegedly Sexually Abused Her Student
–– During oral exam.

Ban the SAT and ACT
–– Fears rise college students 'to idjicated.'

‘Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker’ Seeing $205M+ Opening: Here’s Why
–– See above.

'Rise of Skywalker' actor John Boyega: 'I left the script under my bed'
–– 'Thought dust mites would get it.'

The oldest living American, Alelia Murphy of New York, has died at 114
–– Murphy dead.

Fantastic Four Director Calls His Own Movie 'Alright' 4 Years After Box Office Bomb's Release
–– Fantastic 4 out of 100.

Johnny Depp Trial Delayed As Actor Late Delivering Drugs & Booze Records In $50M Suit With Amber Heard
–– Is still setting records.

President Trump surprises US troops in Afghanistan on Thanksgiving, marking his 1st trip to that country
–– And first time he remembers hearing of it.

President Trump spends Thanksgiving in Florida
–– Reports Fox during his appearance in Afghanistan.

After Trump's Kabul visit, Taliban says ready to resume peace talks
–– When they saw what a boob he is up close.

Trump administration appoints man who suggested dropping nuclear bombs on Afghanistan to senior role in arms control
–– Thanksgiving was the time.

Trump bizarrely claimed at a wild Florida rally that liberals wanted to rename Thanksgiving
–– He prefers Trumpsgiving.

Trump Posts Bizarre Pre-Thanksgiving Photo of His Head Photoshopped onto Body of 'Rocky'
–– Melania on Bullwinkle?

Turkey pardon 2019: Trump pardons Bread and Butter - and makes impeachment jokes
–– Inappropriate public comments his bread and butter.

Kim Jong Un Kicked Off Thanksgiving by Testing Two More Missiles
–– Dubbed Bread, Butter.

Stephen King Shares His Magic Phrase To Stop Politics Arguments At Thanksgiving
–– Red rum!

The Dos and Don'ts of What Thanksgiving Foods are Safe for Your Dog
–– All safe for local Food Bank.

Sweet Old Mister Rogers Thought Ripping Mean Farts Was Hilarious
–– It’s a beefable day in the neighborhood.

Trump Has Spent $115 Million On Golf Trips ― Or 287 Years Of Presidential Salary
–– Par for the coarse.

A college football player's crude touchdown celebration cost Ole Miss a win in the Egg Bowl
–– Left officials scrambling.

Oklahoma officer given a Starbucks order with the word 'PIG' written on the label, police chief says
–– Venti his anger.

Iraqi prime minister says he will submit resignation to head off further bloodshed
–– Just like Saddam would’ve.

Nearly 200,000 displaced by Turkey's offensive
–– Refugeez!

‘When they come, they will kill you’: Ethnic cleansing is already a reality in Turkey’s Syrian safe zone
–– Beating your Kurds away.

Turkey accuses Macron of being a 'sponsor of terrorism'
–– And ordering Armenian Genocide.

‘I Don’t Know Why People Persist In Thinking It’s Good For The Brain,’ Says Psychiatrist Of Marijuana
–– Cuz they’re high?

Americans weigh more this decade, but fewer adults want to lose weight
–– While more demand jail time for those pointing it out.

Clive James, Writer, TV Host And Cultural Critic, Dies At 80
–– Clive and let die.

Sorry Everyone, Mick Mars Was Totally 'Joking' About Free Tickets to Motley Crue's Reunion Tour
–– Will cost you dime bag to get in.

Ratings: ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Settles for Its Smallest-Ever TV Audience for a Finale
–– Most too short to even kick legs.

‘Absolutely disgusting': Toronto police search for suspect in a string of attacks with 'liquefied fecal matter'
–– Who comes up with this shit?

Trump 'Prays' for the Breakup of the EU, Council President Says
–– But Satan too busy to answer.

Ridicule and disbelief as Boris Johnson insists he's never told a single lie in his whole political career
–– They always came in pairs.

Boris Johnson Was Replaced With an Ice Sculpture During a TV Climate Debate. Now He's Threatening the Channel's License.
–– So an ice block?

Proposed EU-wide ‘climate law’ would set net-zero carbon target by 2050
–– Just in time for Great Flood.

‘Bleak’ U.N. Report on a Planet in Peril Looms Over New Climate Talks
–– Like melting ice berg.

What You Need To Know From The Recent Findings Of 7 Big Climate Reports
–– Release safety on gun before use.

A Montreal Bagel War Unites Rival Kings
–– If chewy, tasteless, sesame seed-encrusted tori interest you.

A man had seizures after eating hot pot. Turns out he had tapeworms in his brain
–– And they hated recipe.

Flesh-Ripping Dinosaurs Replaced Their Teeth Multiple Times a Year
–– Was millenia before White Strips.

Lovestruck pig pursues TV reporter live on air
–– Got on set of The Ingraham Angle?

Soufflé costs superstar chef Michelin star
–– Obviously fell.

Jonathan Miller, theater director, comedian and TV personality, dead at 85
–– Really Beyond the Fringe.

Trump wonders why the 100th anniversary of women's suffrage wasn't celebrated 'a long time ago'
–– One Hundred Years of Solid Dude.

George Papadopoulos Is Officially Running For House Seat Vacated By Katie Hill
–– Slogan: 'At Least I Didn't Sleep With Same-Sex Aide.'

Conan The Dog Is A Male, White House Says, After 36 Hours Of Confusion
–– Bitched up.

It’s Not Just Poor White People Driving a Decline in Life Expectancy
–– Inspiring to see cross-section of Americans cooperating.

Melania Trump booed at youth opioid summit in Baltimore
–– Abusing drugs, boos.

‘Slow-moving blob' that may have been a flock of birds caused White House lockdown
–– Or could’ve been Trump after hot bath.

Woman killed by feral hogs outside Texas home: ‘One of the worst things I had ever seen’
–– Would love to see rest of list.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: 'I Don't Like Being Called A Liar'
–– Then keep mouth shut.

In his first interview from prison, convicted sex offender Bill Cosby says he'll never show remorse to get an early release
–– Man of his conviction.

Why "Pete Buttigieg Is a Lying MF" Is Trending on Twitter
–– Twitter.

The Woke Attack on Pete Buttigieg
–– By Democrats' nightmare.

Jeremy Corbyn refuses to apologise four times for anti-Semitism allegations in BBC interview
–– Because he didn't make allegations.

The original Gerber baby is not so little anymore. She's now a 93-year-old mystery novelist
–– Spoon-feeding readers pablum.

Victoria Beckham said son used her to gain followers
–– And she’s suing!

Washington Redskins quarterback Dwayne Haskins missed the last play of the game taking a selfie
–– There's no I in MEME.

Landslide victory for Hong Kong pro-democracy parties in de facto protest referendum
–– Lam basted.

DC Comics Comes Under Fire for Deleting Batman Poster That Sparked Chinese Backlash
–– Bat cave.

Esper 'flabbergasted' to learn of Navy secretary's secret White House outreach about Navy SEAL
–– Went behind back like octopus.

Ousted US Navy secretary lectures Trump on ‘good order and discipline’ in resignation letter
–– And 'patriotism', 'rule of law', 'though shalt not kill.'

Pope Francis Lashes Nuclear Weapons As 'Immoral' During Trip To Japan
–– Drops P-bomb.

Biden: ‘Lindsey Graham Is About to Go Down in a Way’ He’ll ‘Regret His Whole Life’
–– Oh, he’s been on his knees before.

Graham on House Judiciary's impeachment plans: 'Salem witches got a better deal'
–– Stakes were lower.

‘Lindsey Graham says he loves Joe Biden 'as a person,' but Hunter Biden's Burisma work 'doesn’t pass the smell test'
–– ‘’Course m’nose might be off after spending all that time up Our President’s ass.’

Lindsey Graham Says White House Told Him To 'Please' Block Armenian Genocide Resolution
–– Lay in aisle, play dead.

Ex-Polish President Suggests Hunter Biden Never Said Anything About His Dad
–– He knew old man Kwasniewski?

Accusations about Astros sign-stealing techniques are flying
–– Used Astro physics.

Report: Yankees complained about suspicious blinking lights in Astros' park during 2019 ALCS
–– Interfere with own efforts to steal signs.

Tuscan convent shut after nun falls in love with local man and is told to leave
–– She kicks old habits.

Teen found dead on tracks in Queens may have been subway surfing
–– Wave bye-bye.

US attorney general blames 'screw-ups' for Epstein suicide
–– And 'hang-up.'

Doctor Saves Traveler's Life by Sucking Urine from Man's Bladder During Mid-Flight Emergency
–– Refreshment cart ran out of apple juice.

Female crew members convinced ‘Avengers: Endgame’ writers to kill Black Widow
–– Must’ve loved Scarlett Johansson.

Queen cancels Prince Andrew's 60th birthday party after Epstein scandal
–– Teenage beauty queen will not jump out of cake.

Trump to return to Buckingham Palace for Nato reception with Queen but Prince Andrew not invited
–– Family felt it would hurt reputation being seen with Trump.

Prince Andrew Is Reportedly Preparing to Face Prince Charles's Wrath
–– By strapping on Henry VIII codpiece.

Helena Bonham Carter Drunkenly Asked The Biggest Favor Of Prince William
–– Tell her those Tim Burton films were OK.

Internet Companies Prepare to Fight the ‘Deepfake’ Future
–– Because the internet is reality.

In Blockbuster Era, No Room at the Box Office for the Middlebrow
–– Unibrow also plucked out.

How Marla Maples Spends Her Sunday
–– Praying for ex-husband’s 'health.'

Michael Bloomberg is the latest 2020 Democratic hopeful
–– Making Democrats feel hopeless.

‘The stakes could not be higher’: Michael Bloomberg enters 2020 presidential election race
–– ‘Nor those who think I’ll get nomination.’

Bloomberg Says He Should Pay More Taxes But Opposes Wealth Levy
–– And other anti-Semitic taxes.

Iran, China and Russia will 'send a message to the world' with drills
–– Don’t bore us.

Voters in Romania Appear Poised to Reject Years of Scandals and Chaos
–– Unlike Americans.

Schiff pushes Bolton to testify but will not go to court to force him
–– Because, y’know, it’s only fate of nation.

Adam Schiff: Trump’s ‘Death Penalty’ Threat Was One Reason We Didn’t Have Whistleblower Testify
–– Whistler's smother.

Too white, too middle class and lacking in empathy, Extinction Rebellion has a race problem, critics say
–– Because extinction discriminates.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Hospitalized
–– Liberal supporters checked into loony bin with fever, chills.

AMC to Fire Workers Who Confronted Black Woman at ‘Harriet’ Screening, Letter Says
–– Brutally asked to see her ticket. Three times!

Byron Allen Spares No One in Accusing Comcast of Racial Bias
–– Any means necessary to sell crappy TV.

Cartoonist Gahan Wilson, 'the Wizard of Weird,' dies at 89
–– Gahan's down.

Vice President Mike Pence makes unannounced visit to Iraq to visit US troops
–– Greeted by general discontent.

A church built a massive baby Jesus statue that sure looks a lot like Phil Collins
–– Collins: 'And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord.'