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Runaway Bribe
Week of 11/22/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Gordon Sondland testifies to the House Intelligence Committe and a canary hatches from his head squawking Quid Pro QuoGordon Sondland Accuses the President of Bribery
–– Late-term extortion.

Lindsey Graham Opens Biden Investigation
–– Boris Badenov first witness.

Sondland acknowledges Ukraine quid pro quo, implicates Trump, Pence, Pompeo and others
–– Trum Pen Po.

Everyone Knew of ‘Quid Pro Quo’: Sondland Testimony Takeaways
–– Take out order for Trump.

Ambassador Sondland blew the impeachment inquiry wide open
–– Not just whistling blower.

Biden: Lindsey Graham will ‘regret his whole life’ doing Trump’s bidding on Ukraine
–– Deck a Graham.

Impeachment surprises boost Dems, but Republican resistance holds
–– Defense rests in peace.

Trump erupts over ‘human scum’ impeachment investigators in rambling series of false and misleading tweets
–– Impeachment investigators: ‘Yeah, well, you’re subhuman scum!’

Fiona Hill: I saw John Bolton stiffen after this
–– ‘He was often excited by pictures of bombs falling on innocent children.’

Fiona Hill Testifies ‘Fictions’ on Ukraine Pushed by Trump Help Russia
–– As though that wasn’t point.

Fox News Judge Dismisses Trump's 'I Want Nothing' Defense
–– We got nothing.

Trump commits new offence which could lead to impeachment in the middle of his own impeachment hearing
–– May be sentenced to impeachment plus 99 years.

Ex-NSC official says Trump July 25 call transcript mistakenly moved to classified system
–– According to Oopso research.

Marie Yovanovitch receives standing ovation at Washington jazz club after impeachment testimony
–– Played on by It Don't Mean a Thing.

Trump accuses Yovanovitch of refusing to hang his photo in embassy
–– Would’ve preferred real thing.

Rep. Jim Jordan attacked by Ohio newspaper in shocking personal, partisan column
–– Crossing Jordan.

Republicans Have Rolled Out at Least 22 Trump-Ukraine Defenses, Many of Which Contradict Each Other
–– 22-dumb salute.

McConnell Says It's 'Inconceivable' That Senate Would Vote To Remove Trump
–– Justice is blinded.

President Trump to Award Jon Voight With National Medal of Arts
–– Null and Voight.

Jon Voight's Cringeworthy Dance For Donald Trump Cannot Be Unseen
–– You'll need Deliverance.

Michael J. Pollard, Character Actor in ‘Bonnie and Clyde,’ Dies at 80
–– Gathers Moss.

Exclusive: Bolsonaro is turning back the clock on Brazil, says Lula
–– To before you were imprisoned?

E-scooters suddenly appeared everywhere, but now they're riding into serious trouble
–– Wheels are turning.

We Are in The Golden Era of So-Bad-They're-Good Holiday Movies
–– Era so-piss-poor-it's-Golden.

Painting removed from Cambridge University dining room after complaints from vegetarians
–– How can vegans be removed?

'Exceptional' 44-million-year-old Caterpillar Preserved in Amber Discovered
–– Was prize pupa.

NASA denies there are living 'insect- and reptile-like creatures' on Mars
–– Upon instruction from Lizard General Zorgom.

Donkey populations face collapse from demand for their skins
–– It’s beast of burden.

‘If Facebook were around in 1930s, Hitler would have been allowed to post ads against the Jews': Sacha Baron Cohen slams Mark Zuckerberg for not fact-checking political ads while calling out tech companies for being 'greatest propaganda machine for hate'
–– Fascibook.

Mysterious comet will cause a rare 'Unicorn' meteor storm this week. Here's how to watch.
–– In CBS promotion for lame new comedy series.

What If Porn Had No Pictures?
–– OK, lady, I give up.

515,000 Pounds of Pork Recalled After Company Did Not Go Through Inspection
–– Pig outed.

House Where Adolf Hitler Was Born Will Be Turned Into Police Station, Austria Says
–– Where they'll read you your Reichs.

“I Feel Great, Empowered, Fearless, and Beautiful”: Normani Is Savage X Fenty’s First-Ever Brand Ambassador
–– “I think it’s the fake boobs I definitely didn’t get done for men.”

The Trump administration reportedly paid a PR firm more than $2 million to get a top healthcare official on 'Power Women' lists and magazine covers
–– Entire 2020 campaign budget to capture women's vote.

NYPD cops were partners for 6 months before learning they had something else in common: they're cousins
–– Besides kickbacks.

In separate cases, two boys in India fell into big pots of hot stew. Both died of burns
–– Steeped in mystery.

Billie Eilish Asks Kids Where They Go When They Fall Asleep
–– Charges Child Protective Services.

Tim Tebow mourns the death of his beloved dog Bronco
–– Bronco busted.

A Marvel comic book just sold for a record $1.26 million
–– Marvel at arrested development.

Is It Time Gauguin Got Canceled?
–– By #MeToo philistines?

Iranian protests over hiked fuel prices kill at least 106 people, Amnesty International says
–– Bullets not lead-free.

Iranians grapple with internet outages amid protests
–– Have to bitch to actual humans.

‘You can hear the bombing right now’: Trump claims a ceasefire in Syria is working - but the casualties pile up
–– Cease and decimate.

Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu will be indicted on charges of bribery, fraud and breach of trust
–– Bibi ding.

Defiant Netanyahu Blasts Corruption Charges as a 'Witch Hunt'
–– ‘And all those other things Trump called his.’

Trump press secretary backtracks claim Obama officials left 'You will fail' notes
–– Realizes it was own performance evaluation assessment.

'DWTS': Carrie Ann Inaba Says She 'Went Home and Vomited' After James Van Der Beek Elimination
–– ‘Like when Sean Spicer was doing the rhumba.’

Young man with skin disease fulfills cooking dream
–– Boils recipe.

When Snakes Had Use for a Pair of Legs
–– When really hungry.

WeWork Will Lay Off 2,400 Workers
–– Tells employees, ‘it’s not YouWork.’

Walter J. Minton, Publisher Who Defied Censors, Dies at 96
–– Down and dirty.

Pete Buttigieg Is in Bad Shape With Black Democrats. Here’s How Bad.
–– Click-race-baiting bad.

Van Jones: Pete Buttigieg 'Falls Off A Cliff' On Black Issues
–– White Cliffs of Over?

There Is a Vagina Museum in London
–– Open 24-7.

Trump says he won't allow Navy to punish SEAL who posed with dead body
–– And balanced eyeball on nose.

Why not even Kristen Stewart could save Charlie's Angels' flop at the box office
–– What was last film she saved again?

Elizabeth Banks Says ‘Captain Marvel,’ ‘Wonder Woman’ Were Hits Because They Belong to ‘Male Genre’
–– And were ‘Watchable.’

Kathleen Kennedy: George Lucas criticises 'Star Wars' because he finds it 'difficult to let go'
–– Or he’s ‘seen shit we’ve produced.’

Biden just sent out a post-debate email hours before the debate starts
–– Right, personally, because he’s doddering, y’get it?

Former Vice President Joe Biden Says He Won't Push to Legalize Marijuana, Says It May Be 'Gateway Drug'
–– As potheads increasingly drive through fences into yards.

Booker blasts Biden’s ‘gateway drug’ remark on pot legalization: ‘You might have been high when you said it’
–– ‘Like when I thought I could win nomination.’

Deval Patrick and Biden Want to Gobble Up Beto’s Warriors
–– Like couple of turkeys.

121-year-old photo sparks Greta Thunberg conspiracy theory: ‘She’s here to save us’
–– Reducing lead in water is clearly lost cause.

Charlize Theron, Kristen Stewart's Hairstylist on Pushing Beauty Boundaries With Short Hair
–– 95 years late.

Ex-Obama Doctor is Worried About Trump’s Alleged Inability to Find Words, Suggests He’s Having ‘Small Strokes’
–– On tiny mushroom dick.

Lizzo Is Being Sued By Postmates Driver After Rapper Accused Her of Stealing Her Food
–– Didn't thank for favor?

Jennifer Lopez Is Named the New Face of Coach
–– Sufficiently leathery at 50?

Danny DeVito Says He’s Better Than Arnold Schwarzenegger at ‘Almost Everything’
–– Small wonder.

Kohl’s makeover isn't working
–– Especially around eyes.

A vegan man claims Burger King cooked Impossible Whopper alongside meat
–– They said it was Impossible.

Fox has filed a trademark application for a TV show called 'OK boomer"
–– Rebranding Fox News?

Iraqi spy chief warns ISIS is rebuilding
–– With pricks and mortars.

UK PM sets out immigration plans as Conservatives hit two-year poll high
–– Don't Boris with details.

Trump Replies ‘See You Soon’ After Kim Jong-un Calls for Biden to Be ‘Beaten to Death With a Stick’
–– ‘We prefer rubber hoses.’

Dan Rather Accuses Mitch McConnell Of Being Part Of Donald Trump 'Cult'
–– Please drink Kool-Aid.

Michael Avenatti Does A Trump Impression ‘Slamming’ Pete Davidson's Take On Him
–– Yellow shock wig fits him.

Trump says had Giuliani work on Ukraine because he is 'great crime fighter'
–– Crime: 'Yeah, right, he's our favorite opponent, please sic him on us. Pretty please!'

Rep. Devin Nunes got help from indicted Giuliani associate Lev Parnas for 2018 Europe trip
–– Provided Leverage.

What Does Rudy Giuliani’s Son Do?
–– Pretend he isn’t?

Former Nazi Prison Guard On Trial For 5,230 Murders At Concentration Camp In Poland
–– Swears he's innocent of 323.

Trump dismisses Mike Pence aide Jennifer Williams, who overheard Zelensky call, as 'Never Trumper'
–– Opposite of ‘Mother Trumper.’

A list of people Donald Trump has called 'Never Trumpers' who aren't Never Trumpers
–– And don’t deserve compliment.

Mindy Kaling opened up about her struggle as the only woman and person of color on The Office writing staff
–– Been dining off that for 6 years.

Vanessa Hudgens explains why she hasn't released an album in a decade
–– Giving fans what they want.

Here’s What’s in Ilhan Omar’s Plan to Make Sure Everyone Has a Home
–– Rainbows, puppy dogs, anti-Israel rhetoric.

Andrew Yang: How I plan to stop tech from controlling our lives
–– Check out on Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok.

Video shows Arizona deputy pinning 15-year-old amputee with no arms or legs to the ground
–– He did refuse to put up hands.

Schools briefly locked down after shooting reported at Oklahoma Walmart
–– Before realizing it was guns, ammo promotion.

Plane with Hillary Clinton aboard returns to gate after mechanical issue
–– Decision of Electoral College.

Man arrested at Indian airport for impersonating Lufthansa pilot
–– Claimed to be Red Baron.

Prince Charles' favorite artist: 'I've met people far more snobbish!'
–– ‘And with much better taste!’

'The Crown' Actors Look Stunningly Identical to Their Real-Life Counterparts
–– If ‘stunningly identical’ means ‘somewhat similar.’

Prince Philip's chain-smoking nun mom in 'The Crown' was a real-life hero
–– Smoked nun-filtered.

Princess Margaret Had a Hand in Creating Modern Astrology
–– Real star fucker.

Why Britain's Queen Elizabeth had to let Prince Andrew go
–– Was so full of shit.

Prince Andrew sparks near-universal condemnation with TV interview
–– Rich pervs applaud.

Prince Andrew ‘considering another TV interview about Epstein’
–– Really never wants to perform royal duties again.

Lady Colin Campbell defends Prince Andrew and claims ‘soliciting sex from minors is not paedophilia’
–– How about from battle-axes who are mentally unstable?

SARAH VINE: Did Prince Andrew never think of his own daughters?
–– That would’ve been creepier.

Prince Andrew’s Daughters, Beatrice and Eugenie, Are ‘Deeply Distressed,’ But Standing By Him
–– But not too close.

Pirates P Felipe Vazquez faces 21 new felony charges related to child sex arrest
–– P as in Pedo?

MLB widens investigation of Astros' conduct to last 3 seasons
–– Stros shade.

Mayor of Muncie, Indiana arrested by the FBI amid corruption probe
–– Took Indiana stones.

Trump: "If it weren't for me, Hong Kong would've been obliterated in 14 minutes" by China
–– "They should award me Gold Bauhinia Star."

Hunter in China catches bubonic plague after eating a wild rabbit
–– A wascally wild wabbit.

Watch Dolphins Punt, Thrash and Trap Their Prey
–– In dirtiest NFL game ever.

Why Colin Kaepernick wore a 'Kunta Kinte' shirt to his NFL workout
–– Wanted fans to Roots for him.

Will.i.am must retract racism claim or face potential lawsuit, Qantas says
–– After speaking black-eyed piece.

Arcuri Says Boris Johnson Cast Her Aside Like ‘Some Gremlin’
–– Or other AMC junk box.

Al Pacino says there's a reason why he's been in so many bad movies lately
–– So many bad scripts.

For Martin Scorsese, Al Pacino Was ‘Always Something Unreachable,’ Until ‘The Irishman’
–– Never had script bad enough.

What Makes an Element? The Frankenstein of Sodium Holds Clues
–– About Honda?

Bombshell anonymous book claims White House officials considered encouraging Trump to fire Robert Mueller, hoping it would force the president to resign
–– Genius back-up plan was to get him to withhold aid, bribe foreign leader, sure it would force Republicans to impeach him.

The anonymous White House official says in their new book that Trump aides had to dumb down his briefings to one key point repeated over and over
–– Same key point for all: 'Me!'

House investigating whether Trump lied to Mueller
–– Should be shortest investigation in hist… YES!

Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa dislocates hip, will miss remainder of season
–– Dislocated tongue saying name.

Gwyneth Paltrow's holiday gift guide includes a BDSM kit
–– $1,350 price most painful part.

Trump arrives at Walter Reed to begin 'portions' of annual physical exam
–– Proctological exam takes full day.

White House forced to deny Trump has serious health condition after ‘abnormal’ medical visit
–– Was merely description of patient.

Inventor of 'Sourtoe' human toe cocktail dies
–– Kicked sweet bucket.