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Senior Clash
Week of 11/08/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren and Mike Bloomberg as seniors vying for a place in the Casa Blanca Retirement HomeMichael Bloomberg reportedly planning to enter Democratic presidential primary
–– Feels billionaire senior demo underserved.

All Marines are now allowed to use umbrellas
–– And Navy SEALS circus hats.

Yang on possible Bloomberg run: 'There are limits to what money can do'
–– As government has failed to prove for 243 years.

Road tripping in a $3 million Bugatti
–– Or 'Mike Bloomberg's Road to the White House.'

Mick Mulvaney expected to ignore House impeachment subpoena
–– Hiding under desk until it goes away.

Trump’s immigration czar Stephen Miller is apparently getting married
–– Surprisingly to immigrant from Transylvania who only goes out at night.

Pompeo says U.S. troubled by reports of China harassing families of Uighur activists
–– Troubled in ‘oh, darn’ sense.

Sessions announces bid to reclaim his old Senate seat
–– Seat of pants permanently claimed by Trump.

Review: The ‘Tina’ Musical Is One Inch Deep, Mountain High
–– Mixed metaphor of week.

Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers Mock Trump for Making Up the Word 'Foistered'
–– As if viewers foster care.

Trump Has Visited Golf Clubs on 237 Days of His Presidency
–– Keeps them in bag in cart at ready all other days.

'Duck Dynasty' stars Phil and Willie Robertson speak at Trump rally in Louisiana
–– Makes three quacks.

Ukraine aid was reportedly released just 2 days before Zelensky was set to announce a Burisma investigation
–– Had already removed belt, unzipped pants.

Trump says he has a '2nd call' with Ukraine that 'nobody knows about'
–– 'Just trying to help the impeachment any way I can. Would love to be back at Mar-a-Lago pemanently this Christmas.''

Trump fumes about reports that he wanted Barr to host news conference clearing him on Ukraine call
–– Presidency running on fumes.

Former ambassador to Ukraine 'messaged Dem staffer on personal email'
–– WITCH HUNT FRAUD FAKE HOAX! Thank you, Daily Mail.

Katie Couric Says Matt Lauer ‘Ultimately Turned Out to Be Two Very Different People’
–– Let us also be glad boring one is gone, too.

She flipped off Trump and lost her job. Now, she just won an election in Virginia
–– Held up middle finger announcing 'We are #1.'

Don Jr. Distances Dad From Kentucky Governor’s Race: ‘This Has Nothing to Do With Trump’
–– Though it does rhyme with ‘dump.’

Trump Jr claims JFK wouldn't fit in modern Democratic Party
–– Would love lots more women.

Veteran Scorns Trump Jr. for Comparing Family's Suffering to Dying in War
–– Messing In Action.

How a speech pathologist is teaching her dog to 'speak'
–– Having him repeat after Trump Jr.

Bill Gates Objects to Elizabeth Warren’s Wealth Tax, and She Offers to Explain
–– He objects because he gets it.

Elon Musk fires back at Tesla detractor: 'Allow us to send you a small gift of short shorts'
–– Real kick in the hot pants.

Scientists Should Stop Naming Species after Awful People
–– Unless they're members of Trump family.

Sean Spicer 'humbled' by support of 'DWTS' fans, applauds Trump Jr. for 'owning' liberal 'View' hosts
–– Should be humiliated.

‘Yeah, That's Strauss': Lawsuit Claims Jim Jordan Ignored Report of Doctor Masturbating in Front of Wrestling Ref
–– Everyone recognized his choke hold.

Kentucky GOP to Gov. Bevin: Show proof of voter fraud or 'let it go' and concede
–– Inspired by imminent release of Frozen 2.

There's Literally No One Legally Running the Department of Homeland Security Right Now
–– Hasn’t been run legally for nearly three years.

Macron says Europe is facing the 'brain death of NATO'
–– Should confer with NFL on helmet safety.

Sandy Alderson, ex-Mets GM, says he offered to pay for Florida county libraries to get New York Times access
–– Declined because they couldn't line bird cage with digital edition.

Turtles With Swastikas on Their Shells Are Crawling Around a Park in Washington
–– They at least got message of Yertle the Turtle.

Netflix defends decision to pull Patriot Act episode in Saudi Arabia that criticised Prince Mohammed bin Salman
–– ‘We’re money-grubbing scum.’

Netflix CEO defends decision to pull Patriot Act episode, says company isn’t in ‘truth to power business’
–– ‘We’re more in bend-over-and-let-them-do-whatever-they-want-so-long-as-they-pay business.

Trump's Iran Treatment Means U.S. Will Remain the 'Great Satan' for Decades
–– Keep Satan Great caps for sale.

Here’s How Combining Coffee, Exercise, And Weed Can Put You In a 'Flow State'
–– Or just weed.

After T.I. Claimed He Takes His Daughter for Annual Virginity Checks, Experts Said That's Not a Thing
–– Though doctors still charge him $12,500 for 'exam.'

Some Women Without the Brain's Olfactory Bulbs Can Still Smell. Scientists Say It Makes No Sense
–– Doesn’t pass smell test.

These Beautiful Blue Turkey-Like Birds Have Tiny Brains and Huge Social Networks
–– Nature’s influencers.

China approves seaweed-based Alzheimer's drug. It's the first new one in 17 years
–– Although patients need to wear scuba gear.

How Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham" Landed on Netflix's Menu
–– Slipped from greasy pan.

New Ancient Ape Species Rewrites the Story of Bipedalism
–– Old theory can’t stand on own two feet.

Hoda Kotb Says Motherhood—Not a “Stupid Size 10 Dress”—Motivates Her to Work Out
–– And certainly not being on camera.

There Is Such a Thing As Too Much Yoga
–– This headline provided it.

ABC News buried Prince Andrew's ties to Jeffrey Epstein after 'fawning grotesquely' over royal family: insider
–– We thought they were just fawning it in.

Amy Robach skips work following Jeffrey Epstein hot mic revelation
–– Sears Robach.

Jax Taylor May Not Appear in the Next Season of 'Vanderpump Rules'
–– Jax off?

'Botched' doctors Paul Nassif and Terry Dubrow talk Brazilian butt lifts and the dangers of Instagram
–– Referred to as Rio Grande.

John Bercow: Brexit is 'biggest mistake of the UK since the war'
–– What was mistake in war again?

Judge Overturns Trump-Backed ‘Conscience Rule’ for Health Workers
–– Should impose ‘Conscious Rule’ on President.

Pringles unveils turducken-flavored chips for an even crispier Thanksgiving feast
–– Durfucken you say?

’Kung Fury 2' Director on Landing Arnold Schwarzenegger and Michael Fassbender for Follow-Up Film
–– And what it says about their careers.

Daniel Craig shuts down 'f------ ridiculous' idea that Phoebe Waller-Bridge was hired for the new Bond movie just because she's a woman
–– Sure, could’ve hired man to make sure movie “treated women properly.”

Elizabeth Banks Made New 'Charlie's Angels' to "Celebrate Women at Work"
–– Honoring martial-arts-fashion-model-super-spies everywhere.

Christian Bale Shares Dick Cheney’s Review of ‘Vice’: “He’s a D*ck”
–– Invoking own name as dirtiest slur ever.

Ric Ocasek Cut Paulina Porizkova Out Of His Will For Abandonment: Report
–– Bump her Cars.

Keanu Reeves and Alexandra Grant Have Been Secretly Dating for Months
–– The Matron Reloaded.

Is Richard Gere Really Having Another Baby at 70 Years Old?!
–– Wow, his uterus must be barking.

Jenna Bush Hager Shares Sweet 73rd Birthday Message for Mom Laura: 'Thanks for Being Our Light'
–– ‘For Dad who’s always been in the dark.’

A Scientist's Tiny Black Hole Brings the Cosmos Into the Lab
–– And paying dates into back room.

Martin Scorsese: "De Niro Is The Only One Who Knows Where I Come From"
–– ‘Witness Protection Program is that good.’

Martin Scorsese Doubles Down on Critical Marvel Remarks: 'Nothing Is at Risk'
–– C’mon, Marty. How about fate of half of humankind?

Spider-Man is one of the 'absolute motherf***ing pornstars' of the MCU, says Ben Mendelsohn
–– Apparently a fan of his webcam sex channel.

Boy falls more than 20 feet from a zip line onto concrete floor below at Florida park
–– Why no metal spikes installed below a mystery.

The ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Judges Are Completely Fed Up With Sean Spicer
–– Spicer blander?

Wendy Williams defends Sean Spicer's success on 'DWTS': 'It’s a competition of popularity'
–– Would he win Electoral College?

Roger Stone leaves first day of trial early complaining of food poisoning
–– Choking on own bile.

Sen. Rand Paul 'walked right up to the line' of illegally revealing identity of whistleblower
–– Law should’ve tackled him hard as he mowed truth.

‘Green Eggs and Ham’ Executive Producer Ellen DeGeneres Calls Dr. Seuss ‘the First Rapper’
–– Finally lending his work some value.

Andrew Yang Has the ‘Yang Gang’ to Thank for His Lasting Primary Power
–– With its 'Yin Spin.’

Rudy Allies Are Spreading Dirt About Bannon Behind the Scenes
–– Where he’s spread own scat.

Whitney Houston's best friend confirms 'physical' relationship after years of speculation
–– Way more interesting if she still had one.

New Book Claims Eddie Murphy Tried to Stop Whitney Houston from Marrying Bobby Brown on Wedding Day
–– Asked 'What can Brown do for you?'

Harris Dismisses Clyburn’s Claim that Older African Americans are Disproportionately Homophobic: ‘Just Nonsense’
–– 'Just watch television ads!’

Man mocked after complaining he's still single despite getting '700 lbs of beef a year'
–– In rustic slang for gay sex.

1 in 5 LGBTQ adults isn’t registered to vote, despite high 2020 stakes
–– Prefer bitching on Twitter.

‘Terminator: Dark Fate’ Brings Franchise Crashing Down as $100 Million Box Office Bomb
–– Calling into question action films starring kick-ass grandmas.

Jason Momoa Won’t Stop Fighting for the Snyder Cut: ‘The Public Needs to See It’
–– Zack of shit.

Kate Beckinsale Just Posted A Topless Instagram With The Most Confusing Caption
–– Hate click bait phrases like ‘confusing caption.’

Vladimir Putin calls for 'reliable' Russian version of Wikipedia
–– One with more topless photos of him.

Meghan Markle's Friend Jessica Mulroney Fires Back at Body Shamers Who Criticized Her Swimsuit Snap
–– Jessica Mulroney’s friend Laurie Whoever-the-Fuck posts one-star Yelp review of restaurant that forgot duck sauce in takeout order.

Bankruptcy Of Coal Giant Murray Energy Is A Turning Point For Renewable Power
–– Ray of sunshine for solar?

What will happen to Murray Energy’s coal mines if company goes out business?
–– Become Trump 2020 campaign HQ?

ISIS tries to rebuild after al-Baghdadi killing
–– Lists job on monster.com.

Hungry Goats Helped Save the Reagan Library from a California Wildfire
–– Should be fed garbage in Library as reward.

Vaping is still on the rise in high schools
–– Confirming teen vapidity.

‘Harriet’ redefines the history most of us learned about slavery
–– In same way The Transformers redefined history of robotics.

The 1-ton 'Wizard Rock' has magically returned to an Arizona national forest
–– With Wicked Witch of West under it.

Emma Watson says she's 'self-partnered' not single
–– She and right hand.

Dutch Olympian jailed after 110 pounds of drugs found in car
–– She was running on ecstasy.

Why the Popeyes chicken sandwich tastes like 2020
–– Expecting a shit year.

Former Republican unleashes on the ‘rotten to the core’ politicians of the GOP
–– What core?

Sen. Sherrod Brown: Most Republicans Privately Admit Trump Is Racist, Misogynistic
–– Admiringly.

Kurt Suzuki after wearing MAGA hat to White House: 'Everybody makes everything political'
–– Joining other Washington Nationalists.

Hunter Biden's gas firm reportedly pressed Obama admin to end corruption allegations
–– Asked if he’d cut one.

Trump administration asked UK to discredit Mueller report
–– To Nixit.

Medical groups differ on when to start colon and rectal cancer screening. Here's why
–– Depends what they’re into you.

Priyanka Chopra wears mask on set as Delhi chokes in record smog
–– Hoping for inspiration.

Papa John's made the first change to its original crust in nearly four decades
–– Over which time it got pretty crusty.

Pence dismisses 'Anonymous' book claim that senior officials believed VP would back 25th Amendment push
–– ‘Look, they all knew I was a spineless, brainless pile of white slush and wouldn’t.’

Justice Dept. is trying to 'intimidate' author of anonymous anti-Trump book, agents say
–– With unnamed sources, unknown assailants, unsung heroes.

Stray puppy found in rural Australian backyard is actually a purebred dingo
–– That ate my baby.

New Jersey man who purposely faked slip and fall at workplace sentenced
–– To probation, community service, acting class.

Chicago Police Supt. Eddie Johnson May Retire by the End of the Week
–– After he retired behind wheel of car at stop sign recently.

Skeleton found in Russia believed to be one of Napoleon Bonaparte's generals
–– His commander’s nickname for Brits was Boney Bonaparte.

California authorities found and destroyed $1 billion worth of marijuana plants
–– Or like most of it, dude.

Trump: 'Nothing Wrong' If There Was A Quid Pro Quo, But I Didn’t Ask For One
–– It was freebie from Ukraine?

White House aide refusing to testify was on the Trump-Ukraine call when Mulvaney wasn't
–– Towing party line.

Trump promised Ukraine's Zelensky his 'unwavering' support before wavering wildly
–– All support eventually waivered.

Ukrainian adoptee accused of being an adult sociopath breaks her silence in first interview with Dr. Phil
–– Offers quid pro quo for not killing him.

Before his claims of corruption, Trump tried to build a resort in Ukraine
–– And Mega Money Laundromat.

Trump's obsession with buying Greenland may have complicated the release of military aid to Ukraine, US ambassador says
–– State Dept. veterans in stitches for weeks.

Turkey captured ISIS leader al-Baghdadi's sister, who was living in a trailer 50 miles from where he was killed by US special forces
–– Hitched to Humvee, drove to base.

Lena Dunham goes on Instagram to reveal she has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome
–– Ehlers, not Danos, wants it back.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook is out for 'consensual relationship with an employee'
–– Should never have served her Quarter-Pounder with cheese.

McDonald's is bringing back retro Happy Meal toys
–– From days of Easterbrook’s lunch/massage sessions.

Jimmy Carter tells church service he is 'absolutely and completely at ease' with death
–– Death: ‘That’s what they all say.’

Popular astrologer Walter Mercado dies at 87
–– Seeing stars.

Demi Moore's daughter on mom's relapse: A monster came
–– Sex addiction relapse?

Trump met with loud boos, some cheers at UFC fight in New York
–– Wrestle moanier.

John Legend got 'wine drunk' and sang 'All of Me' onstage
–– Sounded whine drunk.

German city of Dresden declares 'Nazi emergency'
–– Getting busy Seig Heil.

Washington Post: Border agents say smugglers in Mexico are sawing through parts of Trump's border wall
–– Like busy beavers.

Delta is bringing back same-sex love scenes in 'Booksmart' and 'Rocketman' to its flights
–– Slipping them in.