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Week of 11/01/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Elizabeth Warren as Nurse Ratched and Donald Trump as McMurphy in One Fluke Over the Cuckoo's Nest spoof of Medicare-For-AllHere's How Warren Finds $20.5 Trillion To Pay For 'Medicare For All'
–– Loose change in waiting room couches.

Cheating Doesn’t Have To Involve Sex To Count
–– Unless you want to enjoy.

Elizabeth Warren’s ‘Medicare for All’ Math
–– Explained by Professor Irwin Corey.

’This is going to cause down-ballot damage’: Warren's $20 trillion health plan fails to quiet critics
–– Treatment of down-ballot damage not covered.

Billionaire blasts Elizabeth Warren for her attack on the rich
–– Her highest recommendation is quality of enemies.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Elizabeth Warren got behind the Facebook employees slamming Mark Zuckerberg for allowing lies in political ads
–– Explains hot air they felt on necks.

Trump may read summary of Ukraine call in 'fireside chat': interview
–– With Constitution crackling on hearth.

Ex-Trump aide confirms Ukraine aid was linked to Biden probe
–– Quid pro quo vadis?

Trump Call Added Baffling Scene to Kyiv’s Summer of Missed Signs
–– Call into question.

Apple’s long-awaited TV service launches — here’s everything you need to know about it
–– Falls far from tree.

Antonio Banderas Recalls Being Pursued by Madonna in the Early '90s
–– Had drug-induced religious hallucinations.

Bill Maher Once Again Asks Ronan Farrow If He’s Frank Sinatra’s Son: ‘You Do Own a Mirror?’
–– Ever asked: 'I've got you under my skin?'

How Trump came up with that '303,000' October jobs figure that baffled analysts
–– Took 128,000 actual figure, added number of polyps when pulled from ass.

Man Who Allegedly Smuggled Large Numbers of People Into U.S. Arrested
–– When authorities frisked humongous overcoat.

Daylight saving time: The odd history of changing our clocks
–– Ticks people off.

Trump Is Now A Resident Of Florida, Ending Long Relationship With New York
–– NY due year-long shower.

President Trump Blames Andrew Cuomo and Bill de Blasio for His Florida Move
–– Boosting boths reelection chances.

After 2016 election hacks, officials in Florida offer few details on 2020 security
–– How they got Trump to relocate.

Trump's Fifth (!) Homeland Security Chief May Finally Be Hard-Line Enough for Him
–– Bleeds the fifth.

Trump Jr. Says Boarding School Helped Him Connect with Middle America
–– Should’ve been sent to waterboarding school.

Trump Jr. To Hannity: I 'Could Make Millions' If My Name Was Hunter Biden
–– 'And not son of lousy businessman.'

Beto O’Rourke Drops Out of the Presidential Race
–– That was sure Beto.

Popeyes mocks Chick-fil-A's National Sandwich Day blunder
–– For lack of spinach.

‘Game of Thrones’ Creator George R.R. Martin Is Not Happy ‘The Long Night’ Isn’t Moving Forward
–– R.R. crossing.

Vern the monkey, who was hurt protecting his son from an intruder, has died
–– Ernest Goes Ape.

Can We Really Use The Moon’s Billion-Year Old Water To Make Rocket Fuel And Open Up The Cosmos?
–– Who’s askin’?

Satellites track real-time damage of ocean blob menacing Hawaii
–– Officials make preliminary call to Godzilla.

Climate change activists celebrate suspension of all fracking in England
–– Fricking still allowed.

Jane Fonda Isn’t Alone: Every Star Arrested in Her Climate Change Protest
–– Co-stirs.

Cuba Gooding Jr. Faces Groping Charges From a 15th Accuser
–– Show me the mammary.

CNN Staffers Shocked WarnerMedia Hired Morgan Freeman After Sexual Harassment Allegations
–– God damn!

Brexit Party plans to win over Labour voters with 'cheaper food and cheaper bras', says Farage
–– Bigger bangers for bigger boobs.

Haul of Nazi artefacts on display in Argentina mostly fake, expert says
–– Ex-SS officers with aliases mostly real.

‘Last necklace made by Neanderthals’ discovered by archaeologists in Spain
–– At 40,000 year-old close-out sale.

A California Prisoner Ripped Out Her Eye and Ate It. It's a Sign of a Bigger Crisis That the State Tried to Downplay.
–– Lack of qualified nutritionists?

Crabs Can Learn to Navigate Mazes, Too
–– Into pot of boiling water?

Scientists reconstruct Ötzi the Iceman’s frantic final climb
–– Ötzi totsy.

Lymphatic system found to play key role in hair regeneration
–– Explains lymph hair.

Woman found dead with a python wrapped around her neck in a home with 140 snakes
–– Police suspect natural causes.

Chernobyl shocker as endangered wild horses take up residence in the Exclusion Zone
–– Well, now they are.

New York City will ban restaurants and grocery stores from selling foie gras
–– What's good for goose is good for pander.

Robert Evans' final tweet was as epic as him
–– Evans can wait.

Ex-Veterans Affairs Secretary Shulkin discovered ouster plans in memo left on copier
–– Copy that.

Trump campaign boasts president is ‘no Mr Nice Guy’ in new ad
–– No Mr Smart Guy or Competent Guy or Trustworthy Guy.

Trump Keeps Picking Unqualified People To Be Lifetime Judges. Republicans Don't Care.
–– Less likely to find them guilty.

‘Not qualified' rating and accusation from American Bar Association moves Trump nominee to tears
–– Laughing at idea he was even picked.

Firefighters battle to save Reagan Library as Easy fire reaches its doorstep
–– Bonzo scripts, Bazooka Joe comics, doodles in jeopardy.

Obama Says Democrats Don't Always Need To Be 'Politically Woke'
–– Joe Biden not even awoke.

What Barack Obama gets exactly right about our toxic 'cancel' culture
–– It's trigger-unhappy.

Reading Scores on National Exam Decline in Half the States
–– Due to low math scores can't determine exactly how many.

Donald and Melania Trump Putting Candy Bar on Head of White House Trick-or-Treater Dressed As Minion Has Become a Flash Point
–– Despicable meme.

Here’s How Dumb Bill Barr’s Great Mifsud Conspiracy Story Really Is
–– Miffs ugh.

Trump to host Washington Nationals at the White House
–– So, hosted by Washington gnat.

Nationals Pitcher Sean Doolittle Will Not Be Visiting the White House
–– Sean do something.

Watch the Moment Trump Realizes He’s Getting Booed at a Washington Nationals Home Game
–– As befits National disgrace.

Jared Kushner: Time in White House Spent ‘Cleaning Up the Messes’ Left by Joe Biden
–– Messes he’ll leave won’t come out.

Harry Connick Jr. Calls His Fear of Rain Costar Katherine Heigl 'Extremely Smart' and 'Funny'
–– Fear, not her.

Suzanne Somers Gets Shots To Put Her In The Mood For Sex With 83-Year-Old Husband
–– Just shoot me.

Theaters fuming The Irishman has such a short big screen release
–– But big short screen release.

Scorsese, De Niro and Pacino on time and 'The Irishman'
–– Discuss kyros vs. kronos.

Robert De Niro says he did the Waburtons ad because 'f*** it, why not?'
–– Thing he’s repeatedly told agent about film offers.

B-Movie King Roger Corman Wades into Marvel Debate: "The Stories Are Simplistic"
–– Says producer of Attack of the Crab Monsters.

I Felt a Funeral, In My Brain Watching Emily Dickinson Twerk
–– Shaking her couplets.

Kevin Hart: 'God told me to sit down' after accident - Kevin Hart
–– Forgot to say ‘buckle up’ before.

Boris Johnson compares John Bercow to 'uncontrollable tennis ball machine' in parting shot to Speaker
–– For he's volley good fellow.

Mourners at a funeral are accidentally fed drug-laced cake
–– Devil's food, naturally.

Deadspin revolts and editor fired over 'stick to sports' mandate
–– Took bloody hockey stick to it.

Joe Biden was denied communion at Catholic church in South Carolina
–– Talk about lousy Hosts.

The Many Ways That Joe Biden Trips Over His Own Tongue
–– Trying to jump rope with it.

Kamala Harris Argues Racism, Sexism Jeopardize Her Electability
–– And being-herselfism.

Kamala Harris Shuts Three of Four N.H. Offices: Campaign Update
–– Fourth earning money doubling as copy shop.

Katie Katie Hill says double standard forced her out’s alleged male lover says their ‘lives are ruined’ following resignation
–– Amounts to Hill of beans.

Katie Hill says double standard forced her out
–– Sort of AC/DC.

The Race to Replace Katie Hill in Congress Is Already a Circus
–– We've already seen 'Bearded' Lady.

How your poop can help train AI
–– Data dump.

Top White House official tried to find out if ambassador went rogue or acted at Trump's direction on Ukraine
–– ‘Disturbed’ to learn Sondland did go commando.

Rick Perry Asked to Testify in Impeachment Inquiry
–– Dems crave comic relief.

White House national security official testifying in impeachment inquiry to step down soon
–– What is a step down from this WH?

Vindman Testimony Alleges White House Left Key Details out of Trump-Zelensky Call Transcript
–– You'd expect white-out.

Official who heard Ukraine call says he was told to keep quiet
–– By WH shhhitheads.

MSNBC’s Nicolle Wallace Calls Fox News Attacks On Veteran Official 'Chickens**t'
–– What you get with their quality of news feed.

Trump equates the Smollett case to impeachment inquiry
–– They are both guilty.

Rep. Jordan claims the whistleblower is biased against President Trump

Retired doctor, 67, gives birth in China after getting 'pregnant naturally'
–– Ordered 'Peking fuck.'

Medieval masterpiece found in French kitchen sells for over $26M
–– Done in extra virgin olive oils.

Pete Buttigieg touts rising organizing power in optimistic Iowa speech
–– Boot edge edgy.

As Pete Buttigieg Courts Black Voters, His Sexuality Is a Hurdle for Some
–– Want to jump his bones?

Mountain Dew Just Revealed What the Mystery Halloween Flavor Is, So Check to See If You Were Right
–– Witch's teat milk.

'Witch Bottle' Filled With Teeth, Pins and Mysterious Liquid Discovered in English Chimney
–– Mountain Dew’s other mystery flavor.

Cardi B Bares It All in Revealing Poison Ivy Halloween Costume Along with a Nearly 7-Foot-Long Wig!
–– Itch we don't want to scratch.

Why Has Harvey Weinstein Come Out of Hiding?
–– It is Halloween.

Man arrested for allegedly handing out razor blades with Halloween candy
–– Said it was for ‘little shavers.’

Wizard Rock, a One-Ton Boulder, Disappears From Arizona’s Prescott National Forest
–– Police don't know how thieves got rocks off.

Very Relatable Woman Sues Waiter for Spilling Wine on Her $30,000 Hermès Handbag
–– Accesory to a crime.

Box Office: 'Joker' Passes 'Deadpool' as Top-Grossing R-Rated Pic of All Time
–– Simper fi.

Trainers Say Hypertrophy Training Is The Best Way To Build Muscle
–– And help you win one.

Pregnant woman, 23, discovers she has TWO vaginas, wombs and cervixes
–– What a cunt!

Kurt Cobain’s ‘Unplugged’ Sweater Sells for Record $334,000 at Auction
–– Had Hole.

Insanely humanlike androids have entered the workplace and soon may take your job
–– If they can just program in loafing.

Iran's Zarif calls on U.S. to return to 2015 nuclear deal
–– And apologize for depiction of Xerxes I, King of Persia in 300.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, ISIS Leader Known for His Brutality, Is Dead at 48
–– In body Baghdadi.

C.I.A. Got Tip on al-Baghdadi’s Location From Arrest of a Wife and a Courier
–– When he absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

Trump leaves key Democrats in the dark about Baghdadi raid
–– And entire Presidency.

ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir, potential al-Baghdadi successor, also killed in Syria, official says
–– ASIS clearance.

'Punched out his ticket to hell.' Trump touts al-Baghdadi raid, slams Democrats on impeachment
–– Like beat it up?

The ‘Whimpering’ Terrorist Only Trump Seems to Have Heard
–– Was actually Pence watching in Situation Room.

Trump reveals name of heroic dog wounded in al-Baghdadi raid
–– Not Isis?

Meet Bobe, the other dog at the Baghdadi raid
–– And say Salaam to goat that was innocent bystander.

Russia Claims U.S. Will Smuggle $30 Million of Oil Out of Syria Every Month
–– Which they accept as challenge to steal more.

Trump says Syrian President Erdogan ‘wants to come to the White House’
–– Wow, he did get everything he wanted in Syria.

Pilots Watched Video Feed of Lavatory From Cockpit, Flight Attendant Says
–– When flyers 'ditched' in water.

Michael Phelps says he 'never competed in a clean field once' and athletes who test positive for doping should be banned immediately
–– And pee in pool not clean.

Washington Post: Company with ties to Trump's brother given government contract
–– Sibling revelry.

Dogs credited with busting two men in Connecticut with 420 lbs of marijuana
–– Air Buds.

Trump is disputing Kelly said 'don't hire a 'yes man'' or 'you will be impeached'
–– While admitting he didn't listen to word he said after second day on job.

White House: John Kelly 'was totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great President'
–– Didn’t have hazmat gloves.

Ex-Mets manager Mickey Callaway lands with Angels
–– Clipping wings.