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Mummy's the Word
Week of 10/25/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

WIlliam Barr and Robert Mueller in a parody of a classic mummy movie entitled The Mueller's CurseBarr’s investigation into origins of Trump-Russia probe is now a criminal investigation
–– Or investigation by criminal.

More cities in China to offer 144-hour visas
–– And 144-day prison stays.

Gaetz Compares Dems to ‘Rabid Hyenas’ After Storming Impeachment Hearing
–– Gaetz of Hell.

Trump impeachment: MLB umpire threatens to 'buy AR-15 for civil war' just before World Series game
–– Yer out…of your mind.

Bruce Springsteen: Trump 'Doesn't Have A Grasp' On What It Means To 'Be An American'
–– Whoa, Woody Guthrie, dial it back.

Forget Smoking Gun. Harvard Law Professor Says There's A 'Smoking Howitzer' On Trump.
–– ‘It's like Tea Pot Dome was a pea shooter, Whitewater was a slingshot, Watergate was a BB gun and this is the friggin' Death Star.'

These Trump photos posted on private Instagram raise eyebrows
–– Big, unsightly dyed-blonde ones.

Trump records 'strongly corroborate' sex assault claims, accuser says
–– Particularly Marvin Gaye's Let’s Get It On, George Michael's I Want Your Sex.

Trump says US is building a wall in Colorado -- a state that doesn't border Mexico
–– Second line of defense against pot smugglers from Mexico.

A McDonald’s Employee Threw A Blender At A Customer And Broke Her Nose
–– Looking to mix it up.

Jennifer Aniston Uses Intermittent Fasting And Doesn't Eat Solid Food For 16 Hours Every Day
–– Acting underfed, too.

Russian Circus Bear Mauls Trainer As Shrieking Spectators Flee
–– Bears brunt.

Archaeologists Discover Medieval Woman and Child's Skeletons at the Tower of London
–– Tourists locked in after museum closed.

New fossils offer rare glimpse at life after a global apocalypse
–– So do photos of Bahamas after Dorian.

A Kenyan doctor is seeking to legalize female genital mutilation
–– Clitorally insane.

Arsenio Hall: I’m a Better Comic Now Because I’m Rich!!!
–– That’s rich.

Gwyneth Paltrow goes braless beneath her workout wear in mirror selfie
–– Could use some push-ups.

Not Washing Your Hands After Using the Bathroom Is Nastier Than Handling Raw Meat
–– So boil your weiner?

About 41% of the world’s people are under 24. And they’re angry…
–– The Young and the Gormless.

Words for the Proud Boys He Sent to Prison for 4 Years
–– Busting with pride.

JFK Was with His Mistress When Jackie Gave Birth, Friend Carly Simon Says
–– Who was, to be fair, a maternity nurse.

Jennifer Lopez Just Had a Major Leg Slit Moment in a Sparkly Sequin Gown
–– Almost loses leg as co-star Owen Wilson slashes with machete.

‘Who gives a s*** about Afghanistan?': Trump stunned officials during a military briefing, former aide says
–– Kabul s***.

Walmart's Black Friday Deals Launch Super Early This Year. Here's What's on Sale Right Now
–– Thursday after last Black Friday.

Kmart removes 'beyond inappropriate' children's costume after backlash from parents
–– Bride costume for 4 to 6 year olds. Really.

Danish Lighthouse Wheeled to Safety to Avoid Coastal Erosion Threat
–– 10 hours of back-up beeper drove islanders crazy.

Cannibal salamander could hold the answer to limb regeneration 
–– Give researchers leg up.

Scientists taught rats to drive little rat-sized cars. It could advance human mental health treatment
–– For really short people.

Deadly fire spurs review of guidance to dump burning trash
–– Garbagemen told 'hold your fire.'

Ancient Roman home reopens in Herculaneum after 36-year wait
–– Took victim of Vesuvius eruption that long to answer door.

A hunter was gored by the deer he thought he shot and killed
–– Bucked his system.

Why sea birds regurgitated thousands of rubber bands on an uninhabited British island
–– Snap judgment.

A man named Tupac Shakur was arrested in Tennessee for meth possession and other charges
–– Of course he has crank name.

Adele shows off new look in stunning gown at Drake's party: 'I used to cry but now I sweat'
–– Undergarments sobbing wet.

Singer bitten by rattle snake says he has no regrets
–– Snake appeared ‘wistful.’

A 57 year-old just spent 307 days sailing around Antarctica and the Americas. He never slept more than 90 minutes at a time.
–– But every 90 minutes.

’The Idea Was To Get Rid Of Me': Justice Clarence Thomas Speaks About His Confirmation Fight in New Documentary
–– Um, uh, right.

N.Y.P.D. Officer Saved by Vest in Harlem Shooting as Naked Suspect Is Killed
–– Strap-on didn’t protect him.

Kirstjen Nielsen says she left DHS because 'saying no' wasn't enough
–– Usually the case with Trump, women.

Boris Johnson: Perpetuators should be hunted down and brought to justice
–– If they perpetuate crimes?

Boris Loses Control as Parliament Rejects Brexit Exit Plan
–– When did he have control again?

Turkey Halts Syrian Incursion, Hours After Deal with Russia
–– Subcontracts hit.

Mitt Romney: "It’s unthinkable that Turkey would not suffer consequences”
–– That’s what you unthink.

US defense chief: We didn't sign up to defend Kurds from NATO ally
–– Russia’s in NATO?

Lindsey Graham doubles down on Trump's 'lynching' remark
-– Adds another knot.

Contradicting Trump, Ukraine Knew of Aid Freeze Before It Became Public
–– Kiev wrong impression.

US defense chief: We didn't sign up to defend Trump’s Betrayal of the Kurds Has Ukraine Worried They Could Be Next
–– To take turn in barrel.

McConnell denies he told Trump his call with the Ukrainian President was perfect
–– Did say of his turn in barrel.

Trump impeachment: US envoy condemns 'irregular' pressure on Ukraine
–– Should've kept boot firmly on neck.

Trump says being president has cost him $2 billion to $5 billion
–– In Monopoly money.

Cummings' widow responds to Trump's attacks, gets standing ovation
–– Gets what's Cummings to him.

Ex-Acting AG Matt Whitaker Offers Curious Trump Defense: 'Abuse Of Power Not A Crime'
–– Current Acting AF.

Anonymous Trump official who wrote New York Times op-ed has a book coming out
–– Named Acting Anonymous Official.

'I'm in charge of the Hatch Act': Trump lashes out at chief of staff over potential ethics violations, report says
–– Boobies agree.

Mark Levin: ‘Hasn’t Even Been a Hint of Scandal’ in Trump’s Presidency
–– Don’t need hint when hit in head with proof.

Greta Thunberg Has Tiny New Species of Wingless Beetle Named After Her
–– Buzzes incessantly.

Man robbed at gunpoint in Brooklyn barbershop chair
–– Clipped.

Hesitant hitmen jailed over botched assassination in China
–– Cop suey.

Bolivia election: Protesters set fire to ballot boxes amid result confusion
–– That should clear up count.

Skin care brand Sunday Riley wrote fake Sephora reviews for almost two years, FTC says
–– The Lies of Riley.

Rob Gronkowski writes letter to Bill Belichick after 'rare moment' vs. Jets
–– Demands $100K from him to not publish.

Jack Del Rio suggests Patriots coach Bill Belichick should have a trophy named after him
–– ASSPY Award.

Popeyes Sold-Out Chicken Sandwich Is Reported To Be Returning As Early Two Weeks From Now
–– ‘Returned’ from customer as early as 20 minutes after eating.

Yankees GM defends not landing starting pitcher after ALCS loss
–– Wouldn’t it have helped more before?

Sharon Osbourne Admits She 'Can Hardly Feel' Her Mouth After New Facelift
–– If only we could hardly hear it.

Marie Osmond: 'I actually thought I was gay'
–– And could actually make men have same thought.

Why Are We So Obsessed With Katie Holmes?
–– That’s between you, therapist.

Pizza Hut is testing out an Incogmeato pizza in a round box
–– Topped with mystery meat.

Le'Veon Bell tweets NFL 'screwed' Sam Darnold by airing 'seeing ghosts' comment
–– Cool your Jets.

Chipotle’s supply of carne asada is running low
–– Chihuahuas escaping processing plant.

A driver is rescued alive after his car is impaled by logs from a truck
–– Loggers thought it was vampire.

Hong Kong leaders apologize for water cannon use at mosque
–– Though insist muezzin never cleaner.

Do Germans Know a Hate Crime When They See It?
–– Can tell when der schwanz gets hard.

Trump admin apparently over Khashoggi killing, will attend Saudi’s ‘Davos in the Desert’
–– Will bring designer bone saws, acid bath flakes as gifts.

Hillary Clinton Shares Parody Of Trump’s Letter To Erdogan: ‘You’re Really Busting My Nuts’
–– Cops should be busting his nuts.

Kerala’s men can’t accept that a woman can be intelligent and deadly enough to be a serial killer
–– Sexists!

Louis Vuitton Director Slams Trump As 'Joke' After Visit To Brand's Texas Workshop
–– Bagged him.

Meghan Markle: Adopting a stiff upper lip is "probably really damaging"
–– Displaying constantly quivering one no picnic, either.

Life-sized doll shows office workers could have permanently hunched backs in 20 years
–– But be great at bell-ringing.

Paparazzi Drove Keira Knightley to a Mental Breakdown: ‘I Told Them I Was Going to Kill Somebody’
–– Jaw them to death.

'Once Upon a Time in Hollywood' heads back to theaters with 10 additional minutes
–– Masochists demanded it.

Cardi B has joined 'Fast & Furious 9'
–– Producers concerned acting had become ‘too competent.’

Chris Wallace Brutally Grills Mick Mulvaney as He Attempts to Walk Back Briefing Comments: ‘You Said What You Said!’
–– Puts another shrimp on barbie.

Surprised over Doral flap, Trump thinks he's still in hospitality business: Mulvaney
–– Welcome to Hell.

Conservatives Urge Trump To Keep Mick Mulvaney As Chief Of Staff
–– And have Quid Pro Quo tattooed on forehead.

Twitter Has a Field Day After Trump Misspells DefSec’s Name as ‘Mark Esperanto’
–– Needs to disable asshole-correct.

He fetishized the military but the generals have had it with feckless, reckless Trump
–– Especially directive to add latex undergarments, ball gags to uniforms.

Billionaire Tells Wealthy To 'Lighten Up' About Elizabeth Warren: 'You're Not Victims'
–– Wealthy: 'Sure, we'll light her up.'

If the Democrats keep saying crazy things about the economy, Trump will win again
–– And he keeps reminding us it's best in history of universe.

Trump veterans see a presidency veering off the rails
–– Where they had train heading straight for wall.

FBI Rules Out Poisoned Alcohol In Deaths Of American Tourists
–– Suspects amphetamines in frenzied press coverage.

Romney says he's behind secret 'Pierre Delecto' Twitter account
–– And sexting with ‘Carlos Danger.’

Mexico’s Murderous Super-Cartel CJNG Is Winning the ‘Narco Game of Thrones’
–– HBO’s game show spin-off.

Rosario Dawson Gushes That She Is 'Absolutely in Love' with Sen. Cory Booker After 1 Year Together
–– Has anyone showed her latest poll numbers?

Henry Thomas, star of 'E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial,' arrested for alleged DUI
–– Given one chance to phone home.

Scorsese Does Broadway, and Other Splashy Netflix Plans
–– In revival of Marty.

James Gunn sticks up for Marvel after Francis Ford Coppola brands movies 'despicable'
–– And directors ‘deplorables.’

‘Game of Thrones’ Star Emilia Clarke: Playing Daenerys ‘Taught Me About Lady Balls’
–– Which she served at dinner party.

Tom Brady says his 'Living With Yourself' cameo was taken out of context
–– No happy ending for spa scene.

Clinton probe finds no mishandling of classified emails
–– Acquit pro quo.

Gabbard calls Clinton 'personification of rot'
–– aka Hillary Rotham.

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard gets 2020 endorsement from David Duke
–– Praises as 'personification of rot’.

Julián Castro Says He Will End 2020 Bid If He Can't Raise $800K In 10 Days
–– Threatens to hold breath starting on 8th day.

Biden extends polling lead over 2020 Democrat rivals to widest margin in six months
–– Joe-mentous Joe-mentum.

How Buttigieg's 'beta city' approach as mayor highlights his differences with Biden, Warren and Sanders
–– Has to be beta.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez joins Bernie Sanders in New York City for first rally since heart attack
–– Freebie and the Bean.

Bernie Sanders says Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will work in his administration if he's president
–– Serious as heart attack.

Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, holding back tears: 'Not many people have asked if I'm OK'
–– Barely.

Terminator star Linda Hamilton made to wear breast and bum padding to reprise role as Sarah Connor
–– Co-star Schwarzenegger offered his hands.

Trump ‘terminates’ White House subscription to New York Times and Washington Post
–– With extreme prejudice, like everything else.

Qantas test flight completes record 19-hour non-stop flight from New York to Sydney
–– Koala really, really motion sick.

Asexuality isn't celibacy or abstinence. Here's what it is — and isn't
–– Marriage after 10 years, before.