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Week of 10/11/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Rudy Giuliani, Igor Fruman, Lev Parnas as The Trump Stooges bungle getting dirt on Joe Biden bringing back a naked statue of Poseidon and a crow biting.Two men connected to Giuliani's Ukraine efforts charged with funneling foreign money into US election
–– Boofing it.

Actor and comedian Rip Taylor is dead at 84
–– RIP Taylor.

Wall Street Journal: Giuliani had lunch with 2 indicted associates at Trump hotel just before their arrest
–– Ordered cake with file inside for dessert.

Rudy Giuliani said he was flying to Vienna just before associates were arrested before reportedly trying to go to Vienna
–– Perfect destination for three weiners.

The House Can Play Hardball, Too. It Can Arrest Giuliani.
–– Catch goof-up.

Trump Had Marie Yovanovitch Removed on ‘False Claims,’ She Tells House Inquiry
–– Or ‘his word.’

Nunes says Dems will leak parts of testimony from Ukraine ambassador: Expect media 'bombshells'
–– ‘But I did it first. Copycats!’

Why Shep Smith finally walked out of Fox News for good
–– Proctologist discovered what was left of pride.

Trump Records Must Be Given to the House, Appeals Court Says
–– Lawyers preparing LP collection.

Judge rejects Trump challenge to release of his tax returns
–– Dismisses claim of 'divine right.'

Reporters call out the State Department for ‘lockdown’ on Ukraine
–– State Department conspirators should get used to that.

After Trump Call, Ukraine's Zelenskiy Gambles On Russia Peace Push Without U.S. Help
–– Or Hen Gives Fox Lunch Money.

Republican anger grows as Trump disavows Kurds by saying they didn't help during WWII
–– Has same beef with MS-13.

Trump Endorses Turkish Military Operation in Syria, Shifting U.S. Policy
–– Gee, wonder what Putin thinks of that.

President Trump on Turkey: I hope Erdogan will act rationally
–– ‘Just like me.’

Turkey 'bombs Syrian prison holding ISIS militants'
–– Trump: ‘See: win-win.’

Nikki Haley says Trump's Syria decision means leaving US allies 'to die'
–– Trump thanks her for making him ‘feel better about it.’

‘A stain on America's honor': Lindsey Graham says Trump's Syria pullout abandons Kurds, helps ISIS
–– That’s good nickname for Graham.

Susan Rice Slams Trump Over Syria: ‘Blood Is Going To Be' On His Hands
–– Not a lot because they’re tiny.

In phone call, Esper urges Turkish defense minister to halt Syria offensive
–– His reply: ‘Who are you, again?’

Federal judge says Trump's use of emergency funds to build wall is unlawful
–– Or ‘consistent.’

Trump floated the idea of digging a trench alongside the border wall: book authors
–– re: moat access.

Apprehensions At The U.S.-Mexico Border Decline For The 4th Consecutive Month
–– So relieved they’re less worried.

Donald Trump Jr.'s University of Florida Speaking Engagement Has Led to Protests From Students Who Will Cover the Cost
–– In brain cells.

MLB pitcher kicked, tased and arrested after allegedly crawling though the doggy door of a stranger's home
–– Now in manager’s dog house.

A fall nor'easter will snarl air travel for days and bring flooding to the Northeast coast
–– If TV weather people are lucky.

'You Will Soon Feel the Same Heat We Feel Every Day.' Read This Powerful Speech From a Young Ugandan Climate Activist
–– 'U ganda sweat.'

What Message the Nobel Committee Could Have Sent By Choosing Thunberg
–– They spend too much time on social media?

Dozens arrested as climate change activists snarl traffic in Midtown
–– Cars idling don't really help.

Jane Fonda taken into custody at climate crisis protest in Washington
–– Frankly disgrace.

Ancient Mayans caused their own 'climate change,' shocking study says
–– Real shock: this is Fox News headline.

Emaciated grizzly bears in Canada spark greater concerns over depleted salmon population
–– Should feed global warming deniers.

Cocaine is driving deforestation, climate change, and migration
–– Really fast.

It's only $4.99. But Costco's rotisserie chicken comes at a huge price
–– To your digestive system.

Doctor diagnosed with motor neurone disease hopes to become cyborg
–– Bot of course.

Married freemason, 56, who broke off affair with wedding planner, 25
–– Mason jarred.

Billionaire Ken Fisher was barred from an exclusive conference after making sexually inappropriate comments
–– Fisher price.

UK plastic surgeons to vote on banning 'Kim Kardashian-inspired' Brazilian butt lifts over safety fears
–– Linked to collapsing chairs.

Art by Congo, the Famous Painting Ape, To Go on Sale
–– Banana oil.

Cows Need Friends to Be Happy
–– So knock on daft old lady’s door down the hall, say hi.

Bees are better at math when they're punished for the wrong answer, a new study finds
–– Given Bee-minus.

Tyler Perry Says He Plans to Build a Shelter for 'Trafficked Girls, Boys and Battered Women’
–– Buss stop.

Martin Scorsese, who trashed Marvel movies as 'not cinema,' reportedly considered directing 'Joker'
–– Whoa, like that’s totally different Universe. DCU rules!

Dr. Drew Pinsky Reveals He Suffered a Vocal Cord Injury While Prepping for The Masked Singer
–– And sprained dignity.

Lana Del Rey Announces Fall Dates of ‘Normal F—ing Rockwell!’ Tour
–– Norman’s brother?

Richard Branson's Adults-Only Cruise Line Will Have On-Demand Champagne with the Shake of a Phone
–– Lots of phones will be shaking, dropped overboard.

Pregnant Anne Hathaway Jokes About the 'Cruel' Prank She Plays on People Asking About Her Baby
–– Promises it will be just like her.

Is Joaquin Phoenix Actually Playing the Real Joker in ‘Joker’?
–– Y'know that's a comic book character, right?

Did You See ‘Joker’? Here‘s the Real-Life Medical Condition Behind His Uncontrollable Laugh
–– Isn’t question ’Did you hear?’

Felicity Huffman's Desperate Housewives Costar Decries 'White Privilege' After Her Sentencing
–– Cast aspersions.

Alice in Chains Collaborated on a Bourbon That's Aged in Tequila Barrels and Bottled at 101 Proof
–– Alice in grains.

Mindy Kaling accuses TV academy of trying to discredit her 'Office' work
–– Ten years ago. Poor dear.

Elton John told Tina Turner to stick song 'up her a***' in tense spat which left him in tears
–– Said he’d tried it, loved it.

Elton John Says He Saw Queen Elizabeth Playfully Slap Her Nephew at a Party: 'I Am the Queen!'
–– Yes, but what did she say?

Elton John Says Richard Gere & Sylvester Stallone Almost Had a ‘Fist-Fight’ Over Princess Diana
–– Was to Di for.

Queen returns to Buckingham Palace after 74-day-long summer holiday
–– Has absolutely nothing to catch up on.

Kate Middleton expertly paired a $6,225 handbag with a $200 outfit
–– Qualifying her to be Queen.

Buckingham Palace Denies Prince Andrew Has Hired a Spin Doctor
–– Needs sin doctor.

Buttigieg Drops Policy Plan to Usher in ‘New Era’ for LGBT
–– Couldn’t decide if uniform should have tassels, epaulets.

Warren Calls for Imprisoning Trans Inmates with Biologically Female Inmates in New LGBTQ Rights Plan
–– Getting all trans-continental.

Warren jokes men who think marriage is between one man and one woman should 'just marry one woman'
–– Like her first husband?

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez fires back at uproar over her nearly $300 hairstyle: ‘They’re just mad we look good’
–– She's taken to royal we?

Hillary Clinton to Trump: 'Don't tempt me' into entering the 2020 presidential race
–– ‘You at the RNC who’d love me to run.’

Trump blasts impeachment ‘kangaroo court’ as ambassador ordered not to testify
–– Will roo the day.

Republican Gowdy, who pushed Obama on Benghazi, joins Trump impeachment defense
–– As sandbag.

Dolly Parton Reveals the A-List Actresses She'd Like to See Play Her in a Movie
–– Not triple D-list?

Robert Downey Jr asked not to be considered for the Best Actor Oscar for 'Avengers: Endgame'
–– Nor Nobel Prize in Physics.

Justin Bieber Takes Wife Hailey’s Garter Off With His Teeth in Sexy Wedding Shot
–– As we vomit a bit behind ours.

‘He Grabbed Me There in the Front': Donald Trump Allegedly Hid Behind a Tapestry to Grope a Woman at Mar-a-Lago
–– Sexual arrasment.

Before Proposing to Melania, Trump Engaged in 'Wave' of Alleged Touching
–– With open hand?

Trump defends diplomat's wife who killed teenage Briton in crash: 'It happens'
–– ‘My whole career’s been a car wreck.’

A man was filmed firing an AK-47 at a convenience store customer. His lawyer says it's self-defense
–– Ironically, customer had come for Colt-45.

A snakehead fish that survives on land was discovered in Georgia. Officials want it dead
–– Warn he might be disguised as fishhead snake.

Lay’s potato chip bag is getting its first new look in 12 years
–– Will finally change cooking oil, too.

Deep in Guatemala's jungle, drugs and murder are new neighbors to palm oil
–– Palm oil: ‘There goes the neighborhood’, but, like, in Spanish.

Trump’s push to save coal is failing. Coal demand to plunge to 42-year low
–– Blackened his reputation?

The Coal King is racing to avoid bankruptcy
–– Shoveling as fast as he can.

Johnson & Johnson has to pay $8 billion after male breast growth linked to antipsychotic drug, jury says
–– If you weren’t crazy before you took drug, just look in mirror.

Eagles announce 'Hotel California' album tour
–– You can never check out.

The Latest: Justices open election-year term; Thomas out
–– No one notices.

China suspends business ties with NBA's Houston Rockets over Hong Kong tweet
–– Net result.

All of the NBA's official Chinese partners have suspended ties with the league
–– Commissioner bows, scrapes, dribbles.

Vans faces Hong Kong boycott over sneaker design controversy
–– Soled out.

'South Park' Character Says 'F**k The Chinese Government' After Ban
–– Nice, but it's still terrible show.

Apple bowed to China by removing a Hong Kong protests map from its app store
–– How do you kowtow, Siri?

Trump warns GOP Senate leader Mitch McConnell about disloyal Republicans
–– Suggests T brands for stragglers.

Matt Drudge, an influential figure in conservative media, sours on Trump as he faces impeachment
–– Thought Trump could hold a Drudge.

White House Ordered Not To Destroy Records Of Trump's Interactions With Foreign Leaders
–– Including jizz-stained transcripts of Putin conversations.

Democrats alarmed about possible U.S. withdrawal from Open Skies treaty
–– Prospects cloudy.

Trump confirms al Qaeda underwear bomb maker killed two years ago
–– Aides just told him, afraid he’d shit shorts.

Russia Denies It Has Any Troops Stationed in Mozambique
–– You’d think they’d stand out.

Batwoman Review: Ruby Rose's Openly Gay Superhero Is a Welcome Addition to the DC Universe
–– AC Universe?

Donald Trump now accuses Nancy Pelosi of 'treason' (and wants to impeach her)
–– Wants to put under House arrest.

No-deal Brexit could spark rise in dogging, cabinet minister warns
–– Johnson already shagging public in plain sight.

Florida parents outraged after middle school quiz describes President Trump as an 'idiot'
–– Where was adjectival modifier ‘fucking?’

GOP Sen. Ron Johnson Loses It on ‘Meet the Press’: I Do Not Trust the FBI or CIA
–– Of course, they enforce law.

Inside the Gala Opening of Tyler Perry Studios, Where the Biggest Names in the Business Came Out to Celebrate
–– Was a Madea circus.

Nevada wildlife officials warn hunters about 'zombie' deer
–– Deer in the headstones.

Joe Biden vs NY Times: Campaign Suggests Paper Is ‘Truly Blind,’ Times Calls Coverage ‘Tough and Fair’
–– C’mon, Joe, just say it… ‘Fake news!’

Booker on Trump-Ukraine scandal: 'If you come after Joe Biden, you're going to have to deal with me'
–– Worrying no on but Joe Biden.

Brain Tissue Has Been Kept Alive and Functioning For Almost a Month
–– In Biden campaign.

A Chinese hog farmer is breeding giant, polar bear-sized pigs that weigh over 1,100 pounds, while the country contends with pork shortages
–– Giving Pete Alonso chance to change nickname if he wants to.

Ex Bush Aide Says 'Bivalves' Have More Self-Awareness Than Trump Kids On Shady Deals
–– Eric clams up.

Colin Powell: Republicans Terrified Of Speaking Out Need To 'Get A Grip'
–– On some yellow cake uranium.

Anti-Muslim Group ACT for America Planned Gala at Mar-a-Lago
–– Tough ACT to follow.

‘Harvey Weinstein Told Me He Liked Chinese Girls’
–– Guess this does belong in Opinion section.

Cars Are Death Machines. Self-Driving Tech Won’t Change That.
–– Real question: can robots get no-fault insurance?

Rip Taylor, Flamboyant Television Comedian and Actor, Dies at 84
–– Glad NY Times still using ‘flamboyant’ euphemism.

Disney World's new Skyliner gondola stalled, stranding passengers in the sky for hours
–– Actually living up to name.

Explosion at Oktoberfest celebration in California injures 5
–– Beer blast.

This 'capsule' Scotch whisky doesn't require a glass
–– Rocks are in head.

Prehistoric baby bottles still have milk residue inside
–– And name Bam-Bam carved in it.

Trump Blames Rick Perry for ‘Perfect’ Ukraine Call
–– Appropriate for ‘perfect’ idiot.

Rick Perry says he 'absolutely' asked Trump to call Zelensky -- just not about the Bidens
–– Wanted to know if you pronounce it Keev or Key-ev.

The McRib is back. Here's why McDonald's doesn't sell it year-round
–– Rat hunting season regulated.

Lost Egyptian temple unearthed 2,200 years after it was built for King Ptolemy IV
–– You already ptol-a-me.

Mark Zuckerberg on billionaires: 'No one deserves to have that much money'
–– Or that much personal data.

Indiana approves plan to exhume John Dillinger's grave on New Year's Eve
–– Pop the crook.

Half of India couldn't access a toilet 5 years ago. Modi built 110M latrines -- but will people use them?
–– Who gives shit?

A massive 98-pound Burmese python was captured in Florida
–– By ICE agents, deported.