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Squid Pro Quo
Week of 09/27/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Donald Trump squid pro quo on call to Ukraine President Zelensky
Fmr. CIA Chief: 'The quid pro quo is there on the page'
–– Tit asked for tat.

McCarthy: There's no crime
–– Quoth accessory.

Did Trump betray his country?
–– Russia's mad he approached Ukraine?

Top White House officials don't want Lewandowski to lead an impeachment war room
–– Recommend Adam Schiff hire him.

Nancy Pelosi Announces Formal Impeachment Inquiry of Trump
–– Putting on kid gloves.

Trump incredulous after his moves on transparency failed to stop Pelosi
–– She saw right through them.

Trump called Pelosi to ask if they could 'work something out' before impeachment launched, report says
–– Offered her Javelin missiles at steep discount.

'Total panic' as 'shell-shocked' White House struggles to find impeachment footing
–– Over here, on banana peel.

Kurt Volker, Trump’s Envoy for Ukraine, Resigns
–– Chicken Kiev.

Trump Waxes Nostalgic for the Good Old Days of Executing Spies
–– Traitor Don's.

Nancy Pelosi: William Barr Has 'Gone Rogue'
–– ‘You know what we used to do in the old days when we were smart? Right? Rogue elephants, we used to handle it a little differently than we do now.’

Trump Meets With LaPierre to Discuss How N.R.A. Could Support Political Defense
–– Gave it a shot.

Trump warns of stock market crash if Dems impeach him
–– Stock market: ‘That’s OK.’

Schiff says whistleblower wants to talk to House Intelligence Committee
–– Will be accompanied by fife, drum.

Pompeo subpoenaed by House committees for failure to produce Ukraine documents
–– Will need stool softener to recover from his ‘server’.

Comey: Trump shouldn't be impeached because the 'American people would be let off the hook'
–– Hook we’ve been sitting on last 2.5+ years?

Trump Admits Talking About Biden in ‘Absolutely Perfect’ Phone Call With Ukraine President
–– Is flawless evidence for Democrats.

Is it an impeachable offense if there's no quid pro quo between Trump and Ukraine?
–– Fox fan fiction.

Trump’s Ukraine affair makes Senate Republicans look like patsies
–– If patsy is synonym for accomplice.

Devin Nunes Thinks Democrats Really Want Nude Pictures of Trump
–– Assumes everyone jerks off to them.

Romney: If Trump pressured Ukrainian president 'it would be troubling in the extreme'
–– If? If u!

Ukrainian leader bristles at release of Trump transcript
–– Does resemble hedgehog.

Rep. Max Rose still the lone NYC Congress member refusing to back the Trump impeachment inquiry
–– No crime on Staten Island until there are three bodies.

Trump campaign, GOP raise $13M after Pelosi announces impeachment inquiry
–– How much in rubles?

Opinion: Tucker Carlson: Trump-Ukraine lesson - Intel agencies want to be government and make elections meaningless
–– By enforcing pesky law.

‘Shut up, moron. Shut up. Shut up’: Trump lawyer Giuliani abuses fellow TV guest live on air as impeachment rocks White House
–– Repeating words he said to president.

Giuliani says the whistleblower complaint is 'crap' and that people are 'torturing' him for doing his job as Trump's private attorney
–– Actually, waterboarding sounds like fun.

Giuliani Won’t Say if He Has a Security Clearance
–– Insecurity pass is all access.

Image of Kushner With Ukraine's President at Dinner Emerges
–– Back of head from under table.

The Greeks had a name for what could bring down Trump
–– Feta worse than death.

Hillary Clinton Claims “Funny Things” That Happened To Her During The 2016 Election “Will Not Happen Again”
–– Glad she can laugh about losing to worst human being on planet.

Joseph Wilson, Who Challenged Iraq War Narrative, Dies at 69
–– And Cheney's still breathing –– just sayin'.

Khashoggi murder 'happened under my watch,' Saudi crown prince tells PBS
–– ‘I was timing them via Skype when they were chopping him up.’

GOP primary challenger Joe Walsh says he's 'a big gun guy' and that 'the numbers' on gun violence have been good the past few decades
–– For morticians.

San Francisco's homelessness crisis has gotten so bad, residents are putting boulders on the streets to stop people from sleeping there
–– Why not cover with busted CPUs?

‘OK’ Hand Sign Is Now Considered a Symbol of Hate, According to Anti-Defamation League
–– OKKK?

The Beyond Meat burger is coming to McDonald's in a Canadian test
–– Promise its meat, eh.

Two Indian children allegedly beaten to death for 'defecating on a public street'
–– No shit.

Pope Francis loves nouns but is 'allergic' to adjectives
–– Give him itchy, roseate, pustulant rash.

Abbey Road endures more traffic mayhem as Beatles fans mark last album's 50th anniversary
–– Jam session.

Stan Lee's Daughter Sues to Reclaim His Intellectual Property
–– From Doctor Doom!

'Spider-Man' swings on as Marvel and Sony mend split
–– Web series to continue.

‘Making a Murderer' Bombshell: A 'Notable' Convict Claims He Killed Teresa Halbach
–– ‘Notable’ for needing attention.

Netflix Lands 'Seinfeld,' Suffers Shrinkage
–– Netflix and chill in water.

Mark Ronson isn't sapiosexual after all and apologizes for identifying as such
–– Vows to bang first dumb blonde he sees.

After decades of searching, Mark Twain's signature was found inside a famous cave
–– According to the Duke and the King.

National Gallery to open new Raphael exhibition to honour the artist
–– Sure he’ll be thrilled.

In the Middle of the Night You Will Definitely Trip Over This Chair Covered in the Blackest Black Paint
–– Week's worst ad copy.

Is "flash therapy" the secret to better sleep?
–– If sight of genitalia makes you drowsy.

Optimists Live Longer and Are Less Likely to Have Heart Problems
–– Or expect to.

Prince Harry: Eco-Anxiety Leaves Me Struggling to Get Out of Bed
–– ‘And having to face the missus.’

Texas judge in disbelief after DA allegedly violates gag order
–– And cracks stale joke.

Boris Johnson's sister brands Prime Minister 'tasteless' for Jo Cox comments
–– Actually tastes like pig.

UK Supreme Court Rules Boris Johnson's Decision To Suspend Parliament Was Unlawful
–– And grooming habits constitute criminal neglect.

‘This Parliament is dead': Attorney General attacks MPs in extraordinary Commons rant
–– Ignores Commons courtesy.

US says Assad regime used chlorine in May attack
–– At least rebel pools clean.

Rashida Tlaib argues with pro-vaping witness during hearing: 'Are you a conspiracy theorist?'
–– ‘Because I am. Does yours have Jews selling e-cigs?’

South Carolina Boy, 11, Drives 200 Miles by Himself to Live with a Stranger He Met on Snapchat
–– Found by police when he stopped for nap, milk and cookies.

As prosecutors go after Epstein's alleged co-conspirators, the line between accomplice and victim may be blurred
–– Because women have no will?

Juul replaces CEO and stops all advertising as vaping crisis escalates
–– Smoked out.

Anthony Mancinelli, World’s Oldest Working Barber, Dies at 108
–– Got clipped.

Mont Blanc glacier could collapse at any moment, Italy warns
–– Pens could start spurting ink any second.

Astronaut takes stunning picture of her best friend launching into space
–– In latest slang for jilling off.

The cautionary tale of Japan's "sex recession"
–– Men don't have stimulus package?

A single tea bag can leak billions of pieces of microplastic into your brew
–– Ewlong.

Bacteria are likely hiding in your household washing machine
–– Behind skid marks in shorts.

How Long Can the Bears Defense Carry Mitchell Trubisky?
–– And when will they put him down?

2 bears fighting in middle of road caught on camera
–– Yes, Trubisky one of them.

Man arrested for punching police horse amid clashes between rival football fans
-– A haymaker.

Labradoodle creator says he regrets 'Frankenstein's monster'
–– In book or movie?

Orangutan with human rights to begin new life in Florida
–– In Coconut Grove?

Couple receive nearly 25,000 ecstasy pills in the mail by mistake
–– Had ordered 25,000 tabs of acids.

Coast Guard captures 'narco sub' carrying $165 million in cocaine
–– 100 feet above waterline.

Princeton grad who murdered hedge-fund father over decrease in allowance sentenced to 30 years in prison
–– Asks state for 'just a couple more years.'

Chinese relatives marry each other 23 times in two weeks in alleged scam
–– Scam or online challenge?

Demi Moore's memoir claims long-rumored threesomes with Ashton Kutcher: 'I wanted to show him how great and fun I could be'
–– ‘Because he’d seen my acting.’

Demi Moore reveals older man paid her mom 'access' at age 15
–– To qualify for reduced rate pass.

Jon Cryer says he didn't lose his virginity to Demi Moore but regrets nothing
–– Was it before two and a half men?

Chipotle CEO says breakfast is off the table ... for now
–– Can’t keep greasy breakfast burritos from slipping from plates.

You can get paid $30 an hour to taste test Domino's garlic bread
–– Should cover stomach pump.

Which drink is best for hydration? Hint: It isn't water
–– Please say vodka, please say vodka…

New Jersey man is jailed after making a stink for disrupting flight from JFK after he was denied access to first class bathroom: cops
–– If he was making stink maybe they should’ve let him.

Plácido Domingo Leaves Met Opera Amid Sexual Harassment Inquiry
–– Tenor sex.

Will Smith staged intervention to save son Jaden after 'his skin turned grey when he went vegan'
–– Dad’s turned blue ‘when he went Genie.’

US wants the UN to oppose terms such as "reproductive health and rights" in policies
–– Wants word ‘reproductive’ replaced with ‘xeroxed.’

Teen Climate Activist Greta Thunberg 'Was Very Shocked' to See Trump During Viral Stare Down
–– Like Jamie Lee Curtis when Michael Myers shows up.

How 16-year-old Greta Thunberg’s rise could backfire on environmentalists
–– Might reGreta it.

Greta Thunberg: "You have stolen my dreams and my childhood"
–– Guess dream wasn’t worldwide celebrity.

In this crippled part of the Bahamas, US medics can smell more bodies than they can find
–– It’s bitter in the Bahamas.

Carson Daly announces wife Siri is pregnant with fourth child: 'Why not? Let's have another one’
–– Never asked: ‘Siri, what’s birth control?’

Bernie Sanders’ New Plan Wipes Out $81 Billion of Americans’ Existing Medical Debt
–– Includes tourniquet for hemorrhaging budget?

Stephen Miller’s girlfriend just got a job as Mike Pence’s press secretary
–– So an imaginary press secretary?

Karen Pence Was Reportedly 'Livid' With Trump's 'Access Hollywood' Tape
–– Guess she learned to livid with it.

Castro says 'it will be the end of my campaign' without more money to help make November debate
–– And what’s bad news?

Booker may be first of many Dems to follow De Blasio out of 2020 race
–– Might book.

He shot his girlfriend in the head but didn't tell her. She finally went to the doctor, and now he's going to prison
–– Doc said ‘you need him like a hole in the head.’

Cop Who Killed Neighbor in His Home Was Allegedly Distracted by Sexually Explicit Calls, Texts
–– Shot her wad.

Michelle Carter, Woman Who Told Boyfriend To Kill Himself, To Get Early Release
–– Convinced guards to let her walk.

Candace Owens to Congress: ‘White Supremacy and White Nationalism Is Not a Problem’
–– No, they’re two.

How Blink-182’s Tom DeLonge Became a U.F.O. Researcher
–– Took DeLonge view.

’Game of Thrones' and 'Lord of The Rings' Actor Sean Bean Says He's Now Rejecting Roles Where He's Killed
–– Seeking parts where he’s just dead-eyed.

Zelensky could win big by gambling on Trump
–– Ukraine could be Taj Mahal of former Soviet bloc.

‘Nothing was wrong': Trump hits out at claims he asked Ukraine for Biden dirt
–– 'In fact, subverting the Constitution, daring the Democrats to impeach me, proving Daddy was right when he called me a miserable shit –– it never felt so right.'

Ukraine agency says allegations against Burisma cover period before Biden joined
–– For cryin’ out loud, they're gonna start citing dates and facts!

Biden Gives Donors Reading From Ukraine Whistle-Blower Complaint
–– In Hamlet costume, holding Yorick’s skull.

Batman 80th Anniversary Celebrated With Worldly Displays of Bat Signal
–– Displays have been around, not shocked by much.

As ‘Moscow Mitch’ Rings in His Ears, McConnell Backs Election Security
–– And echoes through empty cranium.

Growing up intersex in a country where it is believed to be bad luck
–– In which is it good luck?