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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
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Week of 12/28/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

As partial government shutdown heads into Day 6, the ‘cold reality’ sinks in
–– America held hostage by Peter Stormare in Fargo.

GOP lawmaker: Trump 'very firm' on wall demand
–– Like orange Jell-o mold.

The Latest: Dems blame Trump's "temper tantrum" for shutdown
–– Snitwit.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Dares Congress To Halt Congressional Pay During Shutdowns
–– Oh, that saucy Socialist.

Trump Calls Envoy Brett McGurk's Resignation A 'Nothing Event' By A 'Grandstander'
–– Or perfect Trumpian move.

Sen. Graham on border security fight: If President Trump doesn’t break Democrats now, it’s going to be a terrible 2019
–– It’s going to be a terrible 2019.

Triple amputee veteran raises more than $14 million for U.S.-Mexico wall
–– Third being head?

End of Government Shutdown May Depend on the Definition of ‘Wall’
–– And ‘Balls.’

Sen. Cassidy: Fund border wall 'bit by bit’
–– Twit by twit.

Lindsey Graham Doubles Down On Wall Funding: 'We're Not Going To Give In'
–– Calls for all king’s horses, all king’s men.

Melania Trump wears sunglasses while it's still dark in DC
–– Been dark for nearly two years.

Melania Trump Wore a Very Confusing Pair of Pants
–– So husband couldn’t find leg.

‘A Breaking Point’: Second Child’s Death Prompts New Procedures for Border Agency
–– But isn't policy family separation?

What is Ginni Thomas saying now? The evolution of an unusually outspoken Supreme Court spouse
–– If evolution is defined as regression to single cell.

Netflix says more than 45 million accounts have watched 'Bird Box.' But the figure needs an asterisk
–– Which ain’t chicken feed.

What happened when Trump showed me his foot
–– After vomiting?

Trump EPA says limits on mercury emissions from coal plants not necessary
–– Says playing of dead pop star’s music onsite ‘acceptable.’

People are angry the lovable, long-awaited Lucas the Spider plushie won't talk
–– Or spin web or be eaten by mate.

Record-shattering heat wave scorches Australia as temperatures reach 120 degrees
–– Throw another shrimp on Barbie, her skin’s hot enough.

Trump’s Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker falsely padded his resume: report
–– Gut, fat bald head real.

Fortnite’s Fashion Industry Makes As Much Money As Amazon
–– Nerds real clotheshorses.

How Much of the Internet Is Fake? Turns Out, a Lot of It, Actually.
–– Y'mean, I can't wear the Flapjackie avatar skin from Fortnite myself!?

Kroger recalls shrimp products labeled ‘cooked’ that may actually be raw
–– Parens around cooked clearly sarcastic.

Cheeseburger in Paradise, a once-thriving chain, down to one location in New Jersey
–– Must change name to meet truth in advertising laws.

Determined To Seek An Education, Teenagers In Raqqa, Syria, Create Their Own School
–– Raqqa Roll High School.

NY Times reporter spoke at event organized by group behind secret Alabama Senate race disinformation campaign
–– In lamest conspiracy since Pizzagate.

Critic’s Notebook: The Obsession With Female Royalty Is Really an Obsession With Female Trauma
–– Trauma Queens!

Richard Overton, America's oldest World War II veteran and the oldest man in the US, dies at 112
–– Overton and out.

McCaskill warns Dems about 'cheap' rhetoric; says GOP senators privately believe Trump is 'nuts'
–– Claire and present danger.

Report: Cell Signal Indicates Michael Cohen Was Near Prague Around Alleged Russian Meeting
–– Sounds Czech.

A Great Way to See Bali—if You Like Bugs and Horny Monkeys
–– Pack mosquito net, chain metal undies.

Trump warns incoming Democrats that any new investigation into his administration could be considered harassment
–– Grabbing a pussy.

House Democrats scooping up staff, lawyers to power Trump investigations
–– Will take a village.

‘Great British Baking Show' Leftovers Are Fed to Pigs, According to Noel Fielding
–– Studio audience ‘grateful.’

Chris Brown Charged With Two Counts — For Possessing A Pet Monkey Without a Permit
–– And publicly spanking.

Green-feathered immigrant surge prompts Greek parakeet count
–– Polidouris wanna cracker?

Giuliani says he would ‘love’ to see Trump declassify Russia docs
–– Anxious as everybody to view pee pee tape.

Defying pundits, GOP share of Latino vote steady under Trump
–– His panic is theirs.

Probe of Trump's charity could crash 'like a Mack Truck' into his real estate empire
–– Of garbage variety.

Scandal involving Brazil president-elect's son clouds inauguration
–– Almost makes people forget Bolsonaro's racist, homophobic, right-wing swinishness.

Trump hopes to build on political momentum from Kavanaugh confirmation in 2019
–– The one dropping like stone?

‘Nude Selfie’ Obtained In Mueller Inquiry, Says Court Filing By Indicted Russian Firm
–– Russian undressing?

Corsi: Mueller team ‘harassing’ my family with ‘surveillance vans’
–– And Agents Kay, Jay.

Bloomberg says he'll insist presidential candidates have climate change plans
–– Or will threaten with stamping of little feet.

Saudi king shakes up government in wake of Khashoggi killing
–– Afraid they might be next to go to pieces.

MSNBC ratings top Fox News for first time in 18 years
–– Tucker Carlson’s ex-bowtie: ‘I warned ‘em.’

Russia’s 'invulnerable' nuclear missile ready to deploy, Putin says
–– Unlike previous weepy ICBMs.

Severe weather forces cancellation of First Responder Bowl game
–– Beyond rescue.

JCPenney stock falls below $1 for the first time ever
–– Wake us when it hits penney.

Holmes & Watson is so bad, viewers are walking out mid-movie
–– The gamy is afoot.

Trump Iraq visit: President 'boasting about the dangers he'd faced' is 'sort of embarrassing,' former general says
–– To so-called dangers.

Donald Trump Did 'Not Feel Safe' in Iraq and Neither He Nor U.S. Troops Should Be There, Some Local Officials Say
–– Shitey-sense tingled.

Trump bragged to service members in Iraq about a 10 percent raise they haven’t been given
–– Thug of war.

Troops bringing Trump hats to sign may violate military rule
–– MAGAnanimous gesture?

Fox News Hits Trump for Turning Troop Visit Into ‘Campaign Rally’
–– On channel that is 'Campaign Rally.'

Joanna Gaines Reveals Her Brilliant Secret For Getting Kids To Share A Bedroom
–– Night in doghouse.

Police have video of Kevin Spacey groping a busboy, complaint says
–– Busseded.

Court Records: Kevin Spacey accuser has video of actor's hand on his pants
–– Rehearsal tape of Thighs and Whispers.

Kevin Spacey’s Tone-Deaf ‘Frank Underwood’ Video Got 6 Million Views in 2 Days
–– Underwood bedeviled ham.

Comedian Artie Lange shares photo of nose after '3 decades of drug abuse'
–– Honker's down.

Colin O’Brady Completes Crossing of Antarctica With Final 32-Hour Push
–– Sleighs audience.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner criticized for vacationing during government shutdown
–– And not on Antarctic trek.

New York Times: Daughters of foot doctor say he diagnosed Trump with bone spurs as 'favor' to Fred Trump
–– Didn’t report massive bonehead.

Police Raise Possibility There Was No Drone at Gatwick Airport
–– Investigation up in air.

Documents detail how absentee ballots gathered in NC vote
–– By pollcat.

Buffalo Wild Wings is getting a major redesign. Here's a look inside
–– Tripling number of bathrooms.

Mulvaney: Trump's Syria Withdrawal Hated By Officials, But 'Ordinary' People Love It!
–– ‘Y’know, Russians, Turks, Iranians, Assads.’

Trump Unites the Left and Right, Against His Plans in Syria and Afghanistan
–– Uniting nation as promised.

Trump told Turkey's Erdogan in Dec. 14 call about Syria, 'it's all yours. We are done'
–– ISIS got same robocall.

Paul on Syria: 'I'm very proud of the president'
–– Rand off at the mouth.

How Rampant Is Fare Evasion? At Times Square, One Rider a Minute Sneaks In.
–– Stilin’.

Stock Market Rout Has Trump Fixated on Fed Chair Powell
–– Can’t take eyes off his ass.

Tsunami wave strikes Indonesian pop band during show
–– New wave.

Corker responds to Trump tweet: 'Alert the daycare staff'
–– Baby overboard!

How to Keep Baby Jesus in the Manger? Bolts, Cameras and Tethers
–– A creche course.

Roberts, Leader of Supreme Court’s Conservative Majority, Fights Perception That It Is Partisan
–– In latest slang for reality.

Nearly One in Two Young Canadians Don't Pay for Cable, Study Finds
–– But are really, really apologetic about it.

“The Chipmunk Song" Turns 60: Secrets of a Holiday Novelty Smash
–– Squeaked by.

Live Nation Puts Production Chief Heather Parry on Leave After Accusations of Abuse
–– Parry and thrust.

William Shatner Likens #MeToo Movement to French Revolution If Not Policed
–– Like sticking willy in guillotine.

Japan suffers biggest natural population decline ever in 2018
–– Tokyo fell.

Number of babies born in Japan in 2018 lowest since records began; population decline the highest
–– That tracks.

New Jersey Referee Suspended After Forcing Black Wrestler To Have Haircut
–– Dreads’ consequences.

Goose, Gull Overdose On Prescription Pills Left In Park
–– High as a kite?

LeBron James Tears Into NFL Owners: ‘Old, White Men’ With ‘Slave Mentality’
–– Owners: ‘One cotton-pickings minute…’

I’m sort of obsessed with these LED light bulbs that look like real flickering flames
–– So’s your parakeet.

Chris Christie: 'This wasn't one of the best weeks' for President Trump
–– Says mouthful with mouth full.

Giants watch victory slip away with costly rash of mistakes
–– Players scratched.

Russia Has Tested Its Tsirkon Hypersonic Missile "Over Ten Test Launches"
–– Be Tsirkon, bro.

Beyoncé Just Wore Silver Snakeskin Hot Pants, So I'm Buying Silver Snakeskin Hot Pants
–– Oh look, she just jumped off bridge!

‘Welcome to Marwen’ Flops With Career-Low Opening for Steve Carell and Robert Zemeckis
–– Valley of the dolls.

Walmart cashier pays woman's bill after she breaks down at register
–– Then has her towed to shop.

Child says still believes in Santa after Trump's 'marginal' quip
–– And is now convinced of existence of Satan.

Eddie Murphy poses in Christmas photo with all 10 of his children
–– Plethora of mothers didn’t fit.

Mariah Carey's Classic 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' Sets Spotify One-Day Streaming Record
–– Carey-on capacity.

Amazon’s After-Christmas Sale Has Tons of Deals You’ll Actually Want, Including Kate Spade for 40% Off
–– Already have dead handbag designer.

Melania Trump's Mar-a-Lago Christmas Canceled by President's Decision to Stay in D.C. Amid Shutdown
–– Feliz Navidad to Roberto Crachito, Tiny Timo, rest of staff.

Trump's 'Merry Christmas' pledge fails to manifest at his own businesses
–– Happy Hollowdays!

Mike Huckabee defends Trump's Santa call: 'It wasn't like he was boiling the girl's bunny rabbit on the stove'
–– Fatal distraction.

Beto O'Rourke: 'What's happening now is part of a larger threat to us all'
–– Displaying perspicacity Americans cherish in President.

Sears’ next few weeks will determine its future
–– As board decides design of CLOSED signs.

David Hogg says he plans to attend Harvard
–– Hogg’s spotlight.

Trump says Mattis to leave by end of year, announces new acting secretary of defense
–– Treats like doormattis.

Trump apparently didn't read Mattis' resignation letter until cable news made a big deal of it
–– And WH translators added emoticons.

Trump asking advisers if he can legally fire Fed chief
–– And if he can be Fed to lions.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Undergoes Surgery for Lung Cancer
–– Liberals struggling for breath.

Week of 12/21/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Jim Mattis, Marine General Turned Defense Secretary, Will Leave Pentagon in February
–– Let slip Mad Dog of war.

Glee in Russia Over Trump’s Foreign Policy Largess
–– Laughing at large ass.

Mattis code name CHAOS isn’t what it sounds like
–– He and Trump swapped.

Trump Threatens a Government Shutdown That Will ‘Last for a Very Long Time’
–– Executive branch til 2020 works for us.

House Adjourns, Ensuring A Government Shutdown
–– And guaranteeing happy holiday for 380,000 Federal workers.

Christmas Eve to be a holiday for federal workers in 2018 after President Donald Trump issues executive order
–– Unpaid it so happens, but still…

America’s Allies Fear That Traditional Ties No Longer Matter Under Trump
–– Should consider nooses.

In Syria withdrawal, Trump discards advice from allies and officials
–– And all the flash cards Pentagon made for him.

Trump’s Allies in Conservative Media Put the President ‘on the Griddle’
–– Fry in own fat.

Putin Welcomes U.S. Withdrawal From Syria as ‘Correct’
––‘He type just what I tell him.’

Defending Syria Withdrawal, Trump Says U.S. Should Not Be ‘Policeman of the Middle East’
–– Rather be its Keystone Kop.

Fox & Friends Rakes Sarah Huckabee Sanders Over the Coals, Saying Trump 'Refounded ISIS'
–– While refloundering.

With the Generals Gone, Trump’s ‘America First’ Could Fully Emerge
–– Because he can’t count past one.

Mick Mulvaney in 2015: Trump's views on border wall 'simplistic,' 'absurd and almost childish'
–– Will bring building blocks to work first day as Chief of Staff.

Mick Mulvaney: The self-proclaimed ‘right-wing nutjob’ appointed as Trump’s new chief of staff
–– Not Wall nut.

Democratic Senator Calls Out Donald Trump's Shutdown 'Bulls**t' On Live TV
–– Which is mortar he'd use for border wall.

Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani: 'I could build a wall for him with long-range cameras and security’
–– 'About 15" high measured at prostrate guard's gut.'

Trump tweeted a design for 'steel slats' along the border with spikes on top — and called it 'totally effective while at the same time beautiful'
–– Beautiful if he was sitting astride it.

Trump’s pick for attorney general warns Mueller's obstruction inquiry 'fatally misconceived' in memo to DOJ
–– Same language gyno used to Trump’s mother before birth.

Dancing FBI agent who accidentally shot someone will not face jail time
Victim miraculously turned out to #1 on Most Wanted List.

Trump lashed out at Whitaker after explosive Cohen revelations
–– Whitless tampering.

'Virgin Island Vicky:' Woman yells that she loves President Trump, 'hates' black people
–– Virgin on insanity.

Indian restaurant owners respond to racist Facebook comments: 'Welcome to the ignorant 21st century'
–– With the 19th-century president.

Columbia sophomore says his rant about white superiority was 'over the top'
–– Practice moderation in all things racist.

Former Model Says She Had 8-Year Affair With Woody Allen When She Was a Teenager
–– Manhattan transfer.

Kathy Griffin recalls Woody Allen telling her he 'loved watching Hannah Montana': 'He creeped me the hell out’
–– Smelled trouble a Miley off.

Ronan Farrow Sports Adult Onesie At 31st Birthday Bash
–– Mama Mia gifts him binky.

An aquarium apologized for calling its sea otter 'thicc.' And she isn't even overweight
–– Thicc like critics’ heads?

Trump ‘plays dumb’ in his knowledge of campaign finance violations
–– In latest slang for ‘is dumb’.

Here’s Why Nonvoters Say They Stayed Home In The Midterms
–– Were polls apart.

Cancer Doctors See Encouraging Signs for Ruth Bader Ginsburg
–– Her lung nodule would make better justice than Trump choice.

Alice Walker, Answering Backlash, Praises Anti-Semitic Author as ‘Brave’
–– ‘That macher has got some chutzpah, farshteyn?’

The Filmmaker Karyn Kusama Explores the Many Dimensions of Women’s Rage
–– While making movies nobody sees.

Certain antibiotics may cause aortic aneurysm, FDA warns
–– Guess which ones.

Trump announces farm bill signing with video of his 'Green Acres' Emmy performance
–– Corn was as high as elephant's eye.

Dow sinks below 23,000; Nasdaq flirts with a bear market; Oil in free fall
–– Bear suggests anal sex.

News from Mars: A mile-deep ice crater and marsquakes
–– A chocolatey Mars bar milkshake.

MLB Rumors: Craig Kimbrel lowers price tag; is it in Red Sox's ballpark?
–– Sticker with '$150,000,000' printed on it found in Green Monster seat.

Report: Young Knicks were told not to go out with Joakim Noah
–– Even if he offers flowers, chocolates.

Noah Syndergaard celebrated his six-year Mets anniversary with Brandon Nimmo at a Knicks game
–– By cheering NY team even worse than own.

Bill O'Reilly's $10 Million Fraud Lawsuit Against Lawyer Is Tossed on Appeal
–– With cucumbers, radicchio.

Senate passes bill making lynching a federal crime
–– Advocates hung in there.

Rachel McAdams went haute couture with a breast pump
–– Milking it for all it’s worth.

Missy Franklin, 5-Time Olympic Gold Medalist, Retires from Swimming at 23
–– IOC to convert medal into watch.

Illinois AG says Catholic Church failed to disclose abuse accusations against 500 priests and clergy
–– Played it close to the vestments.

The Octomom Has Proved Us All Wrong
–– Eight crow?

Giuliani: 'I was wrong' to say Trump hadn't signed letter of intent for Trump Tower Moscow
–– In latest slang for ‘lied through my teeth.’

Emily Blunt's Dad Cried Watching Mary Poppins Returns — And She Thinks She Knows Why
–– He recognized his poor daughter trapped in dreck.

Elon Musk's new tunnel 'a little rough around the edges'
–– Spare us Boring details.

Cardi B Says EXPLICITLY What She Misses About Sex After Split From Offset
–– Pressing flesh.

Stocks on track for worst December since the Great Depression
–– That’s the Great in MAGA.

’Dead Skunk’ Stench From Marijuana Farms Outrages Californians
–– Actually from high live ones who are paranoid, keep spraying.

The Monkees' Mickey Dolenz Brushes Off Rock Hall Indifference: 'I Never Cared'
–– Neither did they.

Tucker Carlson Comes Under Advertiser Scrutiny After Immigration Remarks
–– Like checking shoe after walk through cow pasture.

Penny Marshall, ‘Laverne & Shirley’ Star and Movie Director, Dies at 75
–– Penny dreadful.

Rudy Giuliani: Mueller will interview Trump 'over my dead body'
–– Under conference table?

Journalists faced 'unprecedented' hostility this year, report says
–– And 'presidented' hatred.

Trump administration issues rule banning bump stocks, more than a year after Las Vegas rampage
–– After blaming bump stocks on Fed rate increases.

Woman Who Climbed Statue of Liberty to Protest Family Separation Found Guilty
–– Torched.

Sanders Lashes Comey For 'Corruption' After He Slams Spineless GOP On 'Lying' Trump
–– Rare WH press briefings schedued to coincide with opposite day.

Mnuchin thinks there’s a simple reason the Dow is poised for its worst December since 1931
–– What could be simpler than Trump?

Blind, burrowing amphibian named after Donald Trump
–– Creature sues scientists for defamation.

NYT: Facebook offered big tech firms more user data than previously revealed
–– Forwarded dirty Private Messages just for giggles.

Roger Stone apologizes, retracts false statements made on Infowars
–– Wonder if DOJ will accept apology?

Trump Foundation agrees to dissolve under court supervision
–– Into greasy puddle from which it congealed.

Trump defends personal charity accused of illegal activities
–– ‘It’s called ‘personal’, who else is supposed to benefit?'

Judge delays sentencing Flynn after rebuke: 'Arguably, you sold your country out!'
–– Nobody’s arguing.

Flynn: "I was aware" that lying to FBI investigators was a crime
–– Apparently only one in Administration.

MIT invents method to shrink objects to nanoscale using basic lab equipment
–– Don't lean crotch in too close to bunson burner.

James Gunn's GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 3 Script Is Making People Who Have Read it Cry
–– Stuck by staple.

Nigerian professor in sex for grades scandal gets prison term
–– A-hole+.

Trump surrounding himself with yes-men and yes-women
–– All know-nothings.

Trump Defender Alan Dershowitz Argues That Lying To The FBI Isn’t A Crime
–– And, in fact, committing crime not a crime.

Disney fires actor after police say he tried to meet a 13-year-old for sex
–– Didn’t buy ‘market research’ excuse.

Larry Nassar says his decades of sexual abuse should have been handled as a medical malpractice case, report says
–– And unfortunate breach of bedside manners.

Boris Johnson warns public would feel betrayed by second Brexit referendum
–– As opposed to current humiliated, despondent.

Nigella Lawson reveals she has to tell US TV firms not to airbrush her 'sticking-out stomach'
–– Nor viewers sticking-out eggplants.

‘The Worst I’ve Ever Seen It’: Lean Stone Crab Season Follows Red Tide in Florida
–– Cold crab dip.

So, I Asked People in Saudi Arabia About Their Mad, Murderous Crown Prince
–– And government kindly invited me to embassy for 'slice of lfe'.

Why German bread is the best in the world (opinion)
–– Pretzel logic.

For 76-year-old Joe Biden, age a factor as he mulls 2020 run
–– One he chooses to forget, or, really, just forgets.

When a pipeline threatened national forests, a federal court invoked Dr. Seuss
–– Lorax and ruin.

Trump Goes After NBC and ‘Saturday Night Live,’ Says Content ‘Should Be Tested in Courts’
–– With laughmeter?

CBS Paid Eliza Dushku $9.5 Million to Settle Sexual Harassment Claim Against ‘Bull’ Star Michael Weatherly
–– Bull shits.

Michigan governor signs bills to gut wage, sick time laws
–– Lansing aboil.

Woman punches bear, gets help from dog to survive attack
–– Bearly.

Egypt unearths tomb of ancient high priest
–– Cursed out.

I Cross My Legs. Does That Make Me Less of a Man?
–– Depends how hard.

The final hours of the 7-year-old Guatemalan girl who died in Border Patrol custody
–– Before being ICEd.

Federal judge in Texas rules entire Obama health-care law is unconstitutional
–– And ex-President's US birth certificate invalid.

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand on a 2020 run: 'I'm definitely thinking about it'
–– Franken, Kirsten: I don’t give a damn.

A Bright Green ‘Christmas Comet’ Will Fly the Closest to Earth in Centuries
–– Santa's reindeer dosed in copper sulfate, set ablaze.

Ryan Zinke, Face of Trump Environmental Rollbacks, Is Leaving Interior Department
–– Don’t worry, Trump will find someone worse.

VA secretary gave inaccurate answers on pro-Confederate ties during confirmation process
–– All in Gray area.

Week of 12/14/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Mick Mulvaney to replace John Kelly as 'acting' chief of staff, Trump says
–– Typecast in horror roles.

Trump: Prosecutors are trying to embarrass me
–– ‘And that’s my job!’

Mulvaney calls Trump 'terrible' in 2016 video
–– Before spinectomy.

Chris Christie Drops Out of Consideration for White House Chief of Staff
–– Never weighed in.

Wisconsin’s Scott Walker Signs Bills Stripping Powers From Incoming Governor
–– Democrats cheesed off.

The Weekly Standard, a conservative magazine critical of Trump, to shutter after 23 years
–– Razing the Standard.

Beto O'Rourke tops new poll as possible Democratic nominee for 2020 Presidential run
–– Sure Beto?

Passenger notices strange in-flight menu warning on British Airways flight: 'Bullet fragments that could be found in this meal'
–– After seeing flight attendants shooting geese on takeoff.

A human heart for donation was left behind by mistake on a Southwest flight
–– Was meant for human sacrifice atop Mayan pyramid.

Disastrous night for Theresa May as EU leaders refuse to renegotiate Brexit Withdrawal Agreement
–– You Brexit, you buy it.

Turkey will enter Syria's Manbij if U.S. doesn't remove YPG fighters, Erdogan says
–– Insists on PG-14.

Gandhi statue removed from University of Ghana following protests over 'racist' Indian leader
–– Alabama: ‘We’ll take the little brown fella, long as he really is racist.’

Neal Katyal: Trump is ‘wigging out’ & without a defense anymore
–– Which can be dangerous with that mop top.

Google CEO Had To Explain To Congress Why Googling ‘Idiot’ Shows Donald Trump
–– And why his pic doesn’t appear next to Webster definition.

Rep. Steve King makes Apple iPhone complaint to Google CEO, demands list of employees
–– King of comedy.

US military sends $331 million bill to Saudis, UAE after refueling 'accounting error'
–– Miscalculate customer loyalty program.

Trump inaugural committee under criminal investigation, source says
–– 3 Doors Down, Big & Rich probed for crimes against humanity.

‘Sesame Street' Muppet becomes first to experience homelessness
–– Seen bumming change from letter P, number 2.

Leopard kills meditating monk in India
–– Spot on.

Starbucks is going to sell Nitro at all its US stores
–– In whole lattes.

Betsy DeVos will cancel $150 million in student debt after being sued for delays
–– DeVos settlement.

Bodies of missing climbers discovered in Himalayas 30 years after disappearance
–– Frozen on sticks.

Keith Richards Reveals He’s Cut Back on Drinking: ‘I Got Fed Up With It’
–– Even vodka bottle was like, ‘Dude, you’ve had enough.’

Suspect in deadly shooting in France 'neutralized' during standoff with police, authorities say
–– Or 'served 72-Virgin Bloody Mary.'

Christian Bale says Donald Trump really thought he was Bruce Wayne when he was filming 'The Dark Knight Rises'
–– Is bats.

Trump administration could deport thousands of Vietnamese refugees after immigration rules changed
–– Nam nuts.

Man Steals Foot-Long Sub by Stuffing Sandwich Down His Pants, Hilarity Ensues Thanks to the Police
–– Was just happy to see them.

Twitter Users Tauntingly Tweak Donald Trump's 'People Would Revolt' Impeachment Claim
–– Most already revolted.

Middle School Student Dumps Trump From His Name After Relentless Bullying
–– Beat best.

Christine Blasey Ford Emerges to Honor Gymnast Who Spoke Out Against Larry Nassar
–– Could present Harvey Weinstein Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award at Oscars.

Defying Trump, U.S. Senate advances measure to end support for Saudis in Yemen
–– Yeah, man.

The White House Christmas Party Is Canceled—For the Press, At Least
–– Will be mailed coal-filled stockings.

Donald Trump Jr. & Kimberly Guilfoyle Talk First Christmas Together
–– In case you need emetic.

Michael Flynn Asks To Avoid Prison Because He Cooperated With Russia Investigation
–– Skin Flynn.

Flynn's lawyers say his lie to FBI 'uncharacteristic'
–– ‘Unusually small.’

South African 'cannibal case' men get life sentences
–– Don’t want to be serving time as cellmate.

Melania Trump's poll numbers plummet
–– Like pre-White House necklines.

He Helped Build an Artists’ Utopia. Now He Faces Trial for 36 Deaths There.
–– So more like firetrap Valhalla.

The Oil Industry’s Covert Campaign to Rewrite American Car Emissions Rules
–– In latest slang for overt.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Steals the Show at Biopic Premiere in Washington, D.C.
–– Being held by authorities for questioning.

’One Dollar’ Canceled by CBS All Access After One Season
–– Buck’s trend.

Does Tom Brady Still Have It? B/R Asks NFL Experts and Legends
–– If he got rid of deflategate pressure gauge.

WSJ: Boy Scouts may file for bankruptcy
–– And drop ‘thrifty’ from motto.

Post Malone Crocs sold out in minutes, again
–– To fans craving footwear to puke on.

Pelosi and Dissident Democrats Reach Deal to Limit Her Speakership to 4 Years
–– Forget-more reassures know-nothing.

Nancy Pelosi mocks Trump's 'manhood' after 'wild' Oval Office meet, says she tried to 'be the mom'
–– And tell him not to show everyone his pee-pee.

Everybody’s Wrong: Donald Trump Won the Chuck-n-Nancy Meeting, and Here’s Why
–– You see this massive doobie?

Fact-checking Trump’s rowdy powwow with Pelosi and Schumer
–– Him heap big liar.

Tabloid Publisher’s Deal in Hush-Money Inquiry Adds to Trump’s Danger
–– Pecker exposed.

Was Queen Anne Really Caught in a Lesbian Love Triangle? Fact-Checking The Favourite
–– Fake nudes.

No sign of that back brace! Hillary Clinton boogies with John Kerry and King of Bollywood Shah Rukh Khan at the star-studded $100million wedding of India's richest heiress
–– On season premiere of Hobbling with the Stars.

’It was as sacred and as blessed as a passing can be': Oprah Winfrey opens up about the emotional final moments she spent with her mother before the 83-year-old died on Thanksgiving
–– Of course, God received gratuity.

Mika Brzezinski accused of using homophobic slur live on air as she refers to Secretary of State Mike Pompeo as a 'wannabe dictator’s butt boy'
–– Butt boys sore.

The India girl who took her dad to the police over a toilet
–– On piddling charges.

Twitter’s Jack Dorsey answers critics of Myanmar meditation retreat
–– Sorry, Rohingya number.

Sen. Orrin Hatch on Trump Allegations: I Don't Care
–– Hatchtag: #fuckruleoflaw.

Hatch says he regrets his 'I don't care' comment about Trump allegations
–– Too late, nobody cares.

Trump’s 'no smocking gun' defense won't protect him
–– Is he high on cock?

Eczema patients at 36% higher risk of suicide attempts, study says
–– Prone to rash decisions.

69% of Americans Don’t Think Trump's Border Wall Is a Priority, Poll Says
–– Third person limited.

Trump says trade deal pays for border wall, Democrats scoff
–– Respond with lafta.

Trump seizes on France attack to push border wall
–– Offers Macron assistance in convincing Belgians to build their own wall.

Trump should 'dig in,' not 'give in' when it comes to border wall, Lindsey Graham says
–– Should actually ‘dig under’, ‘go south’.

Nikki Haley: Trump's 'unpredictable' behavior was advantageous at UN
–– Yeah, see how world admires us.

Ancient Roman statue discovered in margarine tub
–– I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!

Kellyanne Conway says Ocasio-Cortez 'doesn't seem to know much about anything'
–– ‘And we have this opening at the White House…’

NASA Invites Stephen Curry to Tour Lunar Lab After Moon Landing Comments
–– Says he 'loves cheese.'

Ex-Baylor frat president indicted on 4 counts of sex assault won't go to prison
–– Deep in the Hard-on of Texas.

Senior citizens arrested after 'large amount of cocaine' found stashed on cruise ship
–– Whatever floats your boat.

44 former US senators urge current Senate to defend democracy in op-ed
–– Like reminding cops to arrest criminals.

US successfully tests missile defense system in Hawaii
–– Easier when you launch yourself.

Schwarzenegger: How I fought my way back to fitness
–– ‘With RPG and flame thrower.’

Heather Nauert, Trump's pick for U.N. ambassador, is unlikely to enjoy Nikki Haley's global respect
–– Unlikely to enjoy Haley Joel Osment’s.

Nazi-themed posters found in various location around SUNY school
–– Sieg Heiler education.

Kid Accidentally Brings Blow-Up Sex Doll to School Nativity
–– Teacher requested ‘nice ass.’

Former Bloomberg Executives to Be Charged in Construction Fraud Scheme
–– Kickback, enjoy.

How the FBI solved a 4,000-year-old mummy mystery
–– With mile-long wrap sheet.

An insane amount of people turned out to vote in the midterm elections
–– For insane people.

NYPD officers pry 1-year-old child from mother's arms in startling video
–– Had pryer offense?

Former 'El Chapo' lieutenant testifies of ominous serenade followed by 4th attempt on his life
–– Mariachis with machine guns.

Maria Butina Pleads Guilty to Role in a Russian Effort to Influence Conservatives
–– By Alt-White Russians.

Nick Ayers Declined Trump’s Offer To Replace John Kelly As Chief Of Staff: Reports
–– “Hitler Youth still need me.’

A closer look at Trump's White House turnover
–– Filled with raspberries.

Hear the 'sound' of wind on Mars
–– InSight lander lets one go.

‘I can't breathe.' Jamal Khashoggi's last words disclosed in transcript, source says
–– In solidarity with #blacklivesmatter.

Nuns embezzle 'substantial' amount of funds from church school, monsignor says
–– Gambling habits.

Doctor with a big heart is 2018 CNN Hero of the Year
–– Rushed to cardiac unit.

Donald Trump throws his support behind Paris 'yellow vest' protests
–– Yellow is favorite color.

Donald Trump makes it official: Gen. Mark Milley to chair Joint Chiefs of Staff
–– Milley vanilley.

Kevin Hart Quotes Martin Luther King Jr. After Oscars Host Drama, but That Causes More Backlash
–– Should’ve quoted Farrakhan.

Jack in the Box May Be Sold Amid Franchisee Revolt
–– Depends what pops up.

Ex-lawyer Cohen says Trump knew hush payments were wrong: ABC
–– Fake news: his moral compass reads permanent South.

Michael Cohen Sentenced To 3 Years In Prison Following Plea That Implicated Trump
–– One for each of his faces.

Michael Cohen, President Trump's former fixer, sentenced to three years behind bars for 'smorgasbord of criminal conduct’
–– As unappetizing a buffet as Mar-a-Lago’s.

Michael Cohen blames Trump's 'dirty deeds' as he is jailed
–– Not done dirt cheap.

Advice for ex-Trump lawyer Michael Cohen ahead of sentencing: ‘Bring toothbrush to court’
–– To clean prison toilets.

Congress will have to 'start impeachment proceedings' against Trump after Cohen filing, says former Nixon White House lawyer
–– Still living in 1974.

James Comey: If Trump Weren’t President He’d Be ‘In Serious Jeopardy’ Over Cohen
–– And if he were, we’d be.

James Comey: Russia investigation started with four Americans with ties to Trump, Russia
–– So-called Marx Brothers.

Comey calls on Americans to 'use every breath we have' to oust Trump in 2020
–– You first.

Marco Rubio Warns Trump: It Would Be A 'Terrible Mistake' To Pardon Paul Manafort
–– Or ’consistent with every other aspect of this Presidency.’

Jared Kushner advised Saudi prince on how to 'weather' Khashoggi slaying, report says
–– Rain of terror?

’Saudis have ALREADY paid the price' for Jamal Khashoggi's murder claims secretary of state Mike Pompeo as he backs Trump's bid to fight off sanctions on kingdom's crown prince
–– Internet memes can be so hurtful.

Duchess of Sussex's father releases her handwritten letters and details of first wedding in latest bid to reconcile
–– Nothing succeeds like Sussex.

Schiff says Trump faces "real prospect of jail time" after leaving office
–– Who says he’ll leave?

Former Miss Kentucky charged with sending nude photos of herself to 15-year-old student
–– With KY jelly.

California teacher faces charges after forcibly cutting a student's hair while singing anthem
–– Title song from Hair.

Egypt investigating couple pictured nude on top of Khufu pyramid
–– Worshipping Anudis?

Trump announces John Kelly is leaving
–– Parole came through.

Week of 12/07/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump’s Cabinet shakeup kicks into gear
–– Reverse.

Cleveland radio station bans 'Baby, It's Cold Outside'
–– Christmas ughsnog recipe.

Trump announces he'll nominate William Barr as next attorney general
–– Will he pass Barr exam?

Trump Picks Heather Nauert, Former Fox News Anchor, As U.N. Ambassador
–– After exhaustive search for least qualified at network.

El Chapo trial week 4: Lost cocaine shipments, keeping track of expenses and a work-related injury
–– Chapo and verse.

Trump signs Hatch-sponsored child pornography victim assistance law
–– Felt they'd already done enough for Roy Moore.

Judge: Clinton's private emails are 'one of the gravest modern offenses to government transparency'
–– 'Since tinted windshields.'

Giuliani says Mueller has accused Manafort of lying about Trump
–– Like accusing of breathing.

Tara Reid Files $100 Million Suit Over ‘Sharknado’ Slot Machines
–– Demands settlement in coins fed directly into mouth.

Kevin Hart Fires Back at Critics of His Homophobic Tweets, Does Not Apologize
–– Doesn't Hart LGBTQ.

Donald Trump Becomes Butt Of Twitter Jokes With 'Boarder Security' Typo
–– Renters need protection, too.

Ted Cruz And Other GOP Senators Announce Bill To Give Trump $25 Billion For Border Wall
–– But he'll need to assemble Legos himself.

Kelly expected to resign soon, no longer on speaking terms with Trump
–– Communicate with baboon-style facial expressions, rump displays.

Bitcoin’s epic plunge continues
–– Renamed Twobitcoin.

Rex Tillerson claims he had to constantly remind Trump not to violate the law
–– Went no better than paper training.

Trump Plans Major Rollback of Sage Grouse Protections to Spur Oil Exploration
–– After much unsage grousing.

Huawei exec's arrest opens a new front in the US-China trade war
–– Wha’? Way?!

Huawei exec's arrest sends shudders through stock markets
–– Like Shih Tzu with high voltage line between teeth.

U.S. Nabbing Huawei Is the Dog That Caught the Car
–– In tired cliché.

Facebook Emails Show Its Real Mission: Making Money and Crushing Competition
–– Oh, they’re a business?

Some Words Defy Translation. Angela Merkel Showed Why.
–– Shitstorm, not Scheißeblitz?

This CEO thinks it's crazy to work more than 40 hours a week
–– Can afford that opinion.

Trump Organization subpoenaed for business records
–– Will need hazmat suits to collect.

Pig hearts can function for months in baboons, study shows, bringing us closer to their use in humans
–– Pig brains already employed in DC.

Carbon emissions to hit all-time high, says report
–– Trump couldn’t be prouder.

Wisconsin Republicans Approve Bills Stripping Power From Incoming Democratic Governor
–– Cut the Cheeseheads.

Les Moonves Obstructed Investigation Into Misconduct Claims, Report Says
–– CreepBS.

Flynn Was Key Cooperator and Deserves Little Prison Time, Mueller Team Says
–– Canary should fly?

Kevin Durant Posts Instagram Telling Redskins to Sign Colin Kaepernick
–– Kneedles them.

Jackie Chan releases new English memoir: 'I really was quite a nasty jerk'
–– Present tense lost in translation.

Man at center of North Carolina election fraud probe turned in hundreds of absentee ballot requests
–– Claims multiple personality disorder.

Cardi B announces breakup with Offset
–– You can print that.

Eddie Murphy becomes a father for the 10th time
–– Still busy making sequels.

’An Incredible Deal:' Making Sense of Trump's Overblown Take on the China Trade War Truce
–– Always amazing when you can slow down disastrous policy.

Trump says U.S. defense spending 'crazy!'
–– What lunatic signed off on that?!

Margot Robbie Didn’t Consult Roman Polanski for Her Portrayal of Sharon Tate
–– She was way too old for him.

NASA deep space probe reaches asteroid deemed potential Earth threat
–– Now send Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck one way.

NASA’s adorable space station AI had an emotional meltdown in his debut
–– Simple CIMON.

Tim Cook Tells White Supremacists They ‘Have No Home’ on Apple Platforms
–– Like other worms.

Mexico’s Leader Sells Off ‘Too Lavish’ Presidential Boeing 787
–– Gets drug lord to overpay.

Schwarzenegger would time travel to terminate fossil fuels
–– In scenario arguably better than last four sequels.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Goes After Trump On Climate: America Is More Than One 'Meshugge'
–– But, Arnie, bubala, papa was a Nazi schlimazel!

Manafort Tried to Broker Deal With Ecuador to Hand Assange Over to U.S.
–– Until Assange threatened to release his emails.

500-year-old skeleton still wearing thigh-high boots found in London river
–– Just wading to be discovered.

Former President George H.W. Bush lies in state at US Capitol
–– Current President Trump lies there, everywhere.

Trumps pay respects to George H.W. Bush
–– With 24-hour ban on cursing family members.

Trump salutes Bush's casket in Capitol rotunda
–– Miffed it doesn’t salute back.

For George Bush and His Eldest Son, a Relationship Unique Among American Presidents
–– Since John Quincy Adams at least.

Nation says goodbye to Bush: 'To us, he was close to perfect'
–– Yes, W., but you have you for comparison.

What Brings U.S. Presidents Together? Often, Their Funerals
–– Guess which one they’re all hoping for.

Inspector General: No Evidence FCC Chairman Concealed White House Contact Over Sinclair
–– Pai eyed.

Taxi Driver Writer Slams Modern Moviegoers, Says Audiences Were Better in the 70s
–– You talkin’ to me?

Shining Sequel Doctor Sleep Wraps Production
–– Wake us up when it’s over.

Glenn Beck's TheBlaze and CRTV merge to create conservative media company
–– Next-level high, deaf.

Nigeria’s President Buhari denies clone rumors: 'This is the real me'
–– In double talk.

Preschoolers served Pine-Sol in juice mix-up
–– Won’t need to brush for week.

Researchers say ancient ring may bear Pontius Pilate name
–– Mood ring stuck on black.

Michelle Obama On Leaning In: ‘That S**t Doesn’t Work All The Time’
–– Ballistic Michelle.

Plastic Bag Removed From Sea Turtle’s Throat In Troubling Video
–– Should’ve left in?

George Soros-Backed University Says It’s Been ‘Forced Out’ Of Hungary
–– Like DinoSoros.

Spend Eternity With Merv Griffin, Eva Gabor for $20,000
–– Hell has admission fee?

Hailee Steinfeld Slays in Sexy, Skintight Leather Boots & Sequin Slit Dress
–– Police have pretty detailed description.

’Fake news’ could destroy Western society, State Department official warns
–– Which may or may not be what he said.

North Carolina Board of Elections chairman resigns amid election fraud investigation
–– Dead voters outraged.

Trump wants Kim to know he likes him and will fulfill his wishes, South Korean leader says
–– Including Kardashian lap dance.

Ivanka Trump Looks Ready for Business in Pencil Skirt & Power Pumps in Argentina
–– If business is hooking.

Trump heard saying 'Get me outta here' on a hot mic at G20
–– G19: ‘You said it, buddy!’

Popular scientist Tyson rejects misconduct allegations
–– Claims it was rocket in pocket.

Be celibate or leave the priesthood, pope tells gay priests
–– Offers free castrations.

Pope Francis says being gay is a 'fashion' to which the clergy is susceptible
–– Like men in long dresses.

Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani says Mueller team is trying to intimidate president’s allies
–– Only if wussies are ascared of jail time.

American Airlines passenger left in wheelchair overnight after flight home was cancelled
–– Better than floor.

Woman shot dead by husband's ex-wife as she decorated Christmas tree with his children
–– No, that’s not tinsel hanging there…

Sanders eyes 'bigger' 2020 bid despite some warning signs
–– On calendar with his birth date.

Fortnite Fans Notice That the Iceberg is Getting Closer
–– Republican party in denial.

Despite Big House Losses, G.O.P. Shows No Signs of Course Correction
–– ‘Anxious’ to meet iceberg.

Israeli software company 'shared hacked messages' from Khashoggi with Saudi, lawsuit claims
–– Then he got hacked message.

Intercepts Solidify C.I.A. Assessment That Saudi Prince Ordered Khashoggi Killing
–– Saw right through it.

Pompeo: no intelligence directly links Saudi prince to Khashoggi killing
–– ‘I mean if they found a body part with MBS DNA on it, well, then, maybe.’

Ted Baker staff demand end to 'forced hugging' at work
–– Condemn hugger-mugger.

Qatar is pulling out of OPEC to focus on gas
–– Flatulence etiquette 101.

Israeli Police Urge Bribery and Fraud Charges Against Netanyahu. Again.
–– Repeat, 'Offender.'

Hugh Hefner's Personal Typewriter Sells For Over $160,000 in Charity Auction
–– Sticky keys and all.

Ken Berry, TV Actor in ‘Mama’s Family,’ ‘F Troop,’ ‘Mayberry R.F.D,’ Dies at 85
–– May bury.

Richard Branson and the Indian government are offering $3 million to reinvent air conditioning
–– Not cool million?

Macron tours damaged Arc de Triomphe after Paris hit by riot
–– Gets eyeful.

Paris Is Burning as French Say, ‘Macron, Listen to Us!’
–– Inexplicably translating message into English.

Yellow Vests’ Riot in Paris, but Their Anger Is Rooted Deep in France
–– Like truffles.

Zac Efron Looks So Much Like Serial Killer Ted Bundy in This Official Photo It's Actually Freaky
–– In latest slang for mildly surprising.

Tiffany Trump Reportedly Has a New Boyfriend, and He's a Billionaire From Nigeria
–– Met him through spam.

‘Alaska earthquake: Trump calls 7.0 magnitude quake to hit near Anchorage a 'big one'
–– Trying on his seismologist hat.

Starbucks Started a War on Porn and Porn Is Fighting Back
–– Opening Starfucks where bareistas serve extra-hot café au lay.

NFL fines Ezekiel Elliott for throwing money, Dak Prescott into Salvation Army kettle
–– Wanted quarterback.

Mattis reveals Russian government attempted to interfere in U.S. midterm elections
–– No laughing Mattis.

Putin says briefed Trump on Ukraine, wants fuller talks
–– Told him exactly what to tell press.

Putin says he discussed Kerch Strait incident with Trump 
–– Trump replied he liked courage straight.

Legal questions swirl around idea to offer $50 million penthouse to Putin in Trump Tower Moscow
–– Like turd in toilet.

‘We Literally Had Our Very Own James Bond': California Officer Killed in Crash Laid to Rest
–– In latest slang for figuratively.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg cringing in this new Supreme Court photo is all of us in a post-Kavanaugh world
–– Yo, Ruthie, sling back a brewski and chill.

NYPD found their lost ring in a drain. Now they're searching for the couple
–– Keep looking, they're sure to be down there.

Ancient tools found in North Africa could 'rewrite human origin story'
–– Spork.

6 White House officials found in violation of the Hatch Act
–– Down the Hatch?

Comey says he will testify after legal challenge
–– Still wants game of horse against Judiciary Committee Chairman.

Trump agrees to freeze higher tariffs on $200B in Chinese goods — for now
–– Using Xi's cold shoulder.

Cohen claims 'regular contact' with Trump legal team when crafting false statement to Congress
–– After years of ‘inappropriate contact’ with client.

Pompeo: 'Ludicrous' to suggest Trump canceled Putin meeting over Cohen news
–– In latest slang for ‘true.’

Michael Cohen's lawyers ask for no prison time for their client in sentencing memo
–– And not sharing cell with Don Jr. if he must.

The code word used to share news of George H.W. Bush's death

Former President George H.W. Bush's last words, as spoken to his son, George W. Bush
–– ‘I always liked Jeb better.’

In George H.W. Bush's repose, a rare chance for unity
–– Should go over like ‘Read my lips.’’

Trump Is Invited to Bush’s Funeral Because 41st Commander-in-Chief Didn’t Want to ‘Stiff’ Him
–– Even as stiff.

Ariana Grande Covers Up Tattoo Honoring Pete Davidson's Late Father With a Mac Miller Tribute
–– Can’t she cover that with ‘I Heart George HW Bush?’

Sully the service dog visits Bush's casket in the US Capitol
–– In latest slang for pees on.

Disney adds Nick Nolte to the cast of its 'Star Wars' streaming shows
–– As Slobba the Nutt.

Nick Nolte, 77, Reveals His 11-Year-Old Daughter Sophie Calls Him 'Grandpa'
–– And ‘dirty old bastard.’

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