Headbangers 11/18
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Headbangers 2017
Headbangers 2016
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 11/30/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

If Trump Thinks Michael Cohen’s Plea Is Bad, Wait Till Dems Run The House Intel Committee
–– And experience Cohen-fashion optical.

Trump denies pursuing Moscow real estate project
–– What a relief!

Michael Cohen Admits Talks for Trump Over Moscow Tower Occurred Well Into Campaign
–– When he could wedge into broader discussion of defrauding American people.

Trump calls Cohen 'very weak' in wake of former lawyer's new guilty plea
–– Challenges to thumb war after he removes his from ass.

Trump org. planned to give Putin a penthouse: Buzzfeed
–– With 24-hour free soil-a-sheet service.

In abrupt switch, Trump cancels Putin meeting, cites Ukraine crisis
–– Can maybe see that if you crane neck.

Vladimir Putin and Saudi Crown Prince share an enthusiastic high five
–– Secret handshake of Kill Klucks Klan.

Trump struggles to replace Nikki Haley at the United Nations
–– Hard to match level of arrogant ineptitude.

Kansas City Chiefs cut star running back Kareem Hunt after video shows alleged assault
–– Like NFL game video shows ‘alleged’ tackle.

George Bush, 41st President, Dies at 94
–– Bush came to shove.

G20 summit - live: Trump to pack eight major meetings into 48 hours by grouping world leaders together
–– And save energy tuning out.

President Trump says he’ll be robbed of the Nobel Peace Prize
–– If he steals it first.

6 Things People Don't Realize You're Doing Because of 'Depression Fatigue'
–– 4) Choke self into unconsciousness when Tucker Carlson speaks.

FBI Raids Trump's Former Chicago Tax Attorney Who Saved the President $14 Million in Property Taxes
–– To reside at Federal property rent-free.

John Chau Aced Missionary Boot Camp. Reality Proved a Harsher Test.
–– Sentinel Islanders liked it from behind.

Sending Lewd Nudes to Strangers Could Mean a Year in Jail
–– Nudes Flash!

Interior secretary responds to demand he resign by calling top Democrat on Natural Resources a drinker
–– Interior defecator.

Twitter Users Hurl The Holly After Trump Is Hailed For Bringing ‘Christmas Back’
–– Latest slang for sling the shit.

After 'The Handmaid’s Tale' references, Melania Trump defends her red Christmas trees
–– ‘I was more thinking of us-ed tampons.’

DJ Khaled, Floyd Mayweather Jr. charged with cryptocurrency fraud
–– Face jail time in Azkaban.

Khloé Kardashian criticized for letting daughter play in her insanely expensive Birkin bag: 'She’s sitting in what's my college tuition'
–– It’s OK, she left educational deposit.

Kate Hudson Just Posted A Topless Photo To Announce Her Plan To Lose 25 Pounds
–– Looking like actual 39-year-old female human!

Daredevil cancelled: Cast ‘heartbroken’ after Netflix ends Marvel series
–– Blindsided.

Macaulay Culkin Promises To Legally Change His Name To Something Weird
–– To match unnerving smirk.

You have two ages, chronological and biological. Here's why it matters
–– Way easier to lie about biological.

China half marathon: More than 200 runners banned for cheating
–– Trying to make it quarter marathon.

The U.S. Could Cut Emissions By 80 Percent For Less Than The 2018 Federal Budget
–– Plus think of all other benefits of shutting DC down for year.

Patagonia to Donate Entire Trump Administration Corporate Tax Cut to Environmental Groups. CEO Calls Tax Cut 'Irresponsible'
–– Handy Andes.

McCaskill Blames Senate Defeat On Democratic 'Failure' With Rural America
–– Not Republican success conning them?

Marriott Hacking Exposes Data of Up to 500 Million Guests
–– Like maid walking in on customer’s shower.

Girl called Abcde 'mocked by Southwest Airlines staff’
–– F dat.

Deutsche Bank Offices Are Searched in Money Laundering Investigation
–– Bankers set on spin.

Sheryl Sandberg Is Said to Have Asked Facebook Staff to Research George Soros
–– Lean on.

Trump Judicial Nominee Set To Fail Amid Voter Suppression Charges
–– Set to fail if nominated, too.

Starbucks Moves To Block Porn From Free Wi-Fi Networks
–– No more ‘pumpin’ spice’?`

Drunk Japanese pilot nine times over the limit gets 10 months in prison
–– Very hai.

Investigators Raid Offices of President of U.S. Catholic Bishops
–– FBI offices running low on child porn.

Police Thought Cotton Candy Was Meth. She Spent 3 Months in Jail for Their Mistake.
–– Still being held on suspicious Good & Plenty.

Drug overdoses, suicides cause drop in 2017 US life expectancy; CDC director calls it a 'wakeup call'
–– Made more difficult when you’ve OD’d.

Jewish professor finds swastikas spray-painted on her office walls at Columbia's Teachers College
–– School of hard shocks.

Trump threatens to declassify 'devastating' documents if Democrats 'want to play tough'
–– 'Will make the Steele Dossier look like Devin Nunes' Intelligence Committee leak.'

Why Five Guys Will Never Ask You How You Want Your Burger Cooked
–– And six might.

Trump makes wall funding top issue as spending deadline looms
–– Like Paulie Wallnuts.

In Honor of This Blind Bride, Wedding Guests Wore Blindfolds During the Ceremony
–– Played pinned the tale on

Satanic group says Christmas in the Park visitors are stealing ornaments from its holiday display
–– And adding Sabbatic Goat to creche.

Is the British media already turning on Meghan Markle?
–– What took so long?

Queen Elizabeth Reveals the Most Annoying Thing About Opening Buckingham Palace to the Public
–– Group showers.

Saudi Prince Slams CIA Assessment Report on Khashoggi Murder
–– ‘No fair, they used facts!’

U.S. defense chief: 'No smoking gun' linking Saudi crown prince to Khashoggi killing
–– How about ‘bloody knife’?

Sen. Lindsey Graham May Punish Saudi Arabia for Jamal Khashoggi's Murder
–– Would love to spank.

Graham Vows to Block GOP Agenda Until CIA Briefs Congress on Khashoggi Murder
–– Felt twinge in back, realized it was itsy spine.

Fishermen Arrested As Indian Authorities Struggle To Retrieve John Allen Chau From Remote Island
–– Consult Saudis on shipping body parts.

Republican wins Mississippi's racially-charged Senate runoff
–– Not with Black Card.

Racism has triumphed once again in Mississippi
–– It is their brand.

Rep. Steve King appeared on podcast frequented by white nationalists
–– Hoping to make Iowa Mississippi of Midwest.

‘Ashamed’ Geraldo Rivera Goes Off-Script In Emotional Plea For Migrants On Fox News
–– Just realized he’s working for Murdochs?

Washington Post: Trump says his 'gut' can tell him more than 'anybody else's brain can ever tell me'
–– Especially his own.

‘SpongeBob Squarepants’ Creator Stephen Hillenburg Dies at 57
–– Soaks up tributes.

Netflix Creating Slate of Programming Based on Roald Dahl Books
–– Willy wanker.

Erickson Says US Should Fund ‘Pinochet Types,’ Hedges Slightly After Backlash
–– Gets Chile reaction.

Trump disapproval increases in new poll
–– And disgust?

Climate change in the US will hurt poor people the most, according to a bombshell federal report
–– GOP: ‘Phew!’

Death will be one of the highest economic costs of climate change
–– But burial at sea cheaper than ever.

Donald Trump buried a climate change report because 'I don't believe it'
–– Asks if he could do same with Mueller’s.

Federal report says what Florida already knows — climate change is affecting us now
–– And you now how long it takes to get anything through their sun-baked heads.

El Paso to drink treated sewage water due to climate change drought
–– Untreated water should be pumped into WH.

Democrats ask Trump administration for answers on rise of white nationalism in US
–– WH posts helpful FAQ on website.

How a Liberal Couple Became Two of N.Y.’s Biggest Trump Supporters
–– Dual lobotomies?

Goodlatte: ‘It’s awfully tough’ for Ivanka Trump to comply with email standards
–– ‘Y’know, because of…words.’

Elon Musk says Tesla was weeks from death
–– Before inventor was given electric jumpstart.

The G20 summit is a reminder of how little the US is doing for American workers
–– And 7.5 bil in world not ultra-rich.

Argentina prosecutors considering charges against Mohammed bin Salman at G20
–– Experts on disappearing opponents.

Go-Go’s Musical 'Head Over Heels' to Close on Broadway
–– Go-goes.

Mia Love slams Trump in concession speech: 'No real relationships, just convenient transactions'
–– Love hurts.

Jerry Springer is headed back to daytime TV as 'Judge Jerry'
–– Springering criminals from jail?

Chinese scientist claims world's first gene-edited babies, amid denial from hospital and international outcry
–– Splice of life.

Guns N’ Roses Cut Set Short After Axl Rose Falls ‘Severely Ill
–– Spares audience getting severely ill.

Alec Baldwin Appears in Court in Parking-Spot Case
–– Backed in.

The Woman Who Still Finds Louis C.K. Lovable
–– Off with his head!

Meek Mill: Prisoners Need a New Set of Rights
–– Run of the Mill.

Richie Sambora Spends Thanksgiving with Daughter Ava After Heather Locklear's Psychiatric Hold
–– Mom had her in mental grip.

Roger Stone associate says he won't agree to plea deal
–– Paul Manafort prepares cot in his cell.

Manafort Breached Plea Deal by Repeatedly Lying, Mueller Says
–– Couldn’t help it, mouth was moving.

Guardian: Manafort met with Julian Assange around the time he joined Trump campaign
–– To discuss hair care products.

Manafort’s Lawyer Said to Brief Trump Attorneys on What He Told Mueller
–– Who in turn drew Trump a picture.

Migrants Vault Over Highway Fence in Tijuana After US Federal Authorities Launch Tear Gas
–– Spotlighting potential new Olympic event.

Trump threatens to close Mexico border 'permanently' after US police fire tear gas at migrant caravan
–– Presses Congress for $5 bil 100-ton padlock.

Sinclair TV Segment Defends Use of Tear Gas on Migrants at Border
–– Another Trump smokescreen.

The cruel irony of the migrant mom in a 'Frozen' T-shirt
–– It is toasty at border.

Midterms haven’t changed President Trump’s approach, Chuck Todd says
–– No coarse correction.

Trump Loyalists Act Like Members Of Mafia, Says President’s Biographer
–– Omertà Incorporated.

Rep. Connolly: 'We have a very rich menu unfortunately from which to choose'
–– SmorgasTrump.

GM is reinventing itself, closing plants and cutting 15% of its salaried workers
–– Renamed Scrooge Inc.

Honda teams up with GM on self-driving cars
–– Programmed to drive firees away.

Ryan: Trump 'did not lift 1 finger' with GM
–– Well, the middle one.

Trump again lashes out at Powell, says he’s ‘not even a little bit happy’ about naming him Fed chief
–– Fed to the lyin’.

Revealed: Matthew Whitaker favors hardline anti-abortion policies
–– Will include wire hangers in rape kits.

Comey: Whitaker Not ‘Sharpest Knife In Our Drawer,’ But Won’t Shut Down Mueller
–– No Matthew Whittler.

Bernardo Bertolucci, Director of ‘Last Tango in Paris,’ Dies at 77
–– Death also used butter.

Nicolas Roeg, Director of ‘The Man Who Fell to Earth,’ Dies at 90
–– The man who fell into earth.

Ricky Jay, Gifted Magician, Actor and Author, Is Dead at 72
–– Vanishes.

Ricky Jay Hadn't Completed Final TV Role Before His Death, But Fans Will Still See It
–– Talk about magic.

Egyptians open coffin revealing 3,000-year-old mummified woman
–– Coffin up secrets.

Syrian radio host who satirized Assad and ISIS shot dead
–– Answering quite

The World Needs to Quit Coal. Why Is It So Hard?
–– Sex is amazing.

Alabama mall gunman still at large after police say armed man killed by officer 'likely did not fire' shots
–– Further evidence all civilians should be packing.

Trump Administration Invites Health Care Industry to Help Rewrite Ban on Kickbacks
–– And hitmen to amend murder statutes.

My New Vagina Won’t Make Me Happy
–– Maybe if you bring it chocolates.

Are Sex-Doll Brothels the Wave of the Future?
–– And do they take plastic?

Police make dozens of arrests and fire tear gas at Paris fuel protesters
–– Mob retaliates with particularly smelly cheese.

UK and Spain reach agreement over Gibraltar, paving way for Brexit deal
–– Rock the vote.

Week of 11/23/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Whitaker disclosures reveal more than $900,000 in payments from conservative group
–– He should mind his pees and recuse.

Are Jared and Ivanka Good for the Jews?
–– Jews like Bugsy Siegel?

Acting AG Whitaker wrongly claims Chelsea bomber had accomplices
–– Names Penguin, Mr. Freeze.

'They Weren't Deleted.' President Trump Defends Ivanka's Use of Personal Email Account
–– She didn’t know how.

Ivanka Trump Is Either ‘Criminally Stupid Or Criminally Ignorant’ In Email Scandal, Political Strategist Says
–– How about criminally criminal?

Ryan Zinke Blames Radical Enviros for California Fires
–– Suspects Mr. Green in Study with Candlestick.

See Bob Dylan Attend Circus, Drink Whiskey With Jimmy Fallon on ‘Tonight Show’
–– Hawk, hawk, hawkin’ at Heaven’s door.

When Prince Charles and Camilla Got Married, She Was So Sick She Could Barely Move
–– Disappointing lav-obsessed hubby.

Tom Felton Says He'd Return As Draco Malfoy If 'The Cursed Child' Became A Movie
–– And comes slitherin into theatres.

U.S. President Donald Trump celebrates Thanksgiving at Mar-a-Lago
–– America sends wish: Get stuffed.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Worn-Out Campaign Shoes Are Headed to a Museum
–– Sole of the party.

Trump-Appointed Judge Hands Donald Trump Bad News In Robert Mueller Russia Case, Rules ‘Collusion’ Is A Crime
–– Trump claims it's not even real word.

5 tips for Thanksgiving leftovers
–– 4) Reheated candied yams make great caulk for orange bath tubs.

Doctors start movement in response to NRA, calling for more gun research
–– Explore fringe theory firearms can cause death.

Climate change will shrink US economy and kill thousands, government report warns
–– Trump: 'As long as it's on coasts.'

Olivia Hooker, 103, Dies; Witness to an Ugly Moment in History
–– Lived to see Trump for another.

Dolce & Gabbana cancels China show amid 'racist' ad controversy
–– Stop us from making 'classist' slur.

Roger Stone associate says he is in plea negotiations with Mueller's office
–– Everybody must get Stoned.

Young, rich and loyal: Nick Ayers could be Trump's next chief of staff
–– Hollow-eyed, amoral, fascistic.

In China, a School Trains Boys to be ‘Real Men’
–– Xi-men.

Why Meghan's estranged family could cause problems again
–– And why hack journos are praying they do.

Trump threatens Mexico: 'We will close' the whole US border
–– Lock up the wall!

Hillary Clinton says Europe must limit immigration to stop rise of Right-wing populism
–– And get Syria to pay for it.

Satanic Temple settles lawsuit over 'Sabrina' goat-headed deity
–– Made sacrifice.

A death cross is forming in U.S. oil, underlining the unraveling of crude prices
–– Bottom of the barrel?

Donald Trump Is Thankful for Himself and the 'Tremendous Difference' He Has Made on Thanksgiving
–– Some can even remember enjoying holiday.

Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson begin 'smack talk' ahead of The Match
–– Phil 'flips birdie.'

Dick Van Dyke Reveals He Paid Walt Disney $4,000 to Play Banker in 'Mary Poppins'
–– $40 for Cockney dialect coach.

Aretha Franklin to Be Recognized at Thanksgiving Parade in Detroit
–– If she shows up.

House Republicans subpoena Comey, Lynch for private depositions
–– Last bitch effort.

United Airlines flight attendants plan system-wide day of protest
–– Will drag selves up and down aisles.

Mississippi Republican senator apologizes for 'hanging' comment
–– Caught in clynch.

Nissan ousts chairman Carlos Ghosn following his arrest
–– Given Maxima sentence.

‘Bali Nine' drug trafficker Renae Lawrence released from prison after 13 years
–– Bali high.

Isolated tribespeople believed to have killed US missionary who trespassed on remote island
–– Bible thumpers.

Chief Justice Roberts defends judiciary in rare statement after Trump criticism
–– After years of banging grovel.

Avenatti’s Ex-Girlfriend Mareli Miniutti: He Violently Dragged Me Out of Bed, Called Me a F*cking B*tch
–– Goes into Miniutti detail.

Prosecutor declines domestic abuse felony case against Stormy Daniels lawyer Michael Avenatti
–– Fruitti Minuitti.

Marcia Fudge, who was considering run for House speaker, says she will back Nancy Pelosi
–– Progressive Democrats: ‘Oh, Fudge!’

Talk about baste appeal -- Trump pardons turkey named 'Peas'
–– From basetard.

George RR Martin Says ‘Game of Thrones’ Prequel Pilot Won’t Involve Targaryens, TBD on Dragons
–– Dragons' agent playing hardball.

Netflix Battles Film Director Over Underage Frontal Nudity
–– Pedo pusher.

They’re prepping for a race war. And they see Trump as their 'ray of hope'
–– Bore War.

Women’s March co-founder calls on current organizers to resign, saying they ‘allowed anti-Semitism’
–– Rejects goose step choreography.

Poland’s largest bookstore chain halts sale of book by priest accused of anti-Semitism
–– And only has one book.

Why the Dow keeps sinking
–– Coke wore off.

Guy loses arm after falling asleep and getting hit by an incoming bus
–– Sleeping in roadbed?

This is what Google learned after interviewing one job candidate 16 times, according to Eric Schmidt
–– Humiliation can be fun.

Trump Grades Himself as President in New Interview: ‘I Would Give Myself an A-Plus’
–– Others would add post-hyphen ‘hole’.

Trump Insists 'Raking' Will Help Stop Forest Fires; Twitter Reels
–– Takes leaves of senses.

’We Are Smarter Than That': Finns Hilariously Mock Trump's 'Raking' Solution
–– Rake him over coals.

Donald Trump “Little Adam Schitt” Joke Still Fouling Up President’s Twitter Page
–– Big shit.

Sotomayor To Kavanaugh: Welcome To The Supreme Court 'Family'
–– As abusive cousin.

Saudi crown prince ordered killing of Khashoggi, CIA concludes
–– Saudis: 'But he said hash things out, not up.'

Senate Dem on Armed Services panel: Trump lying about CIA report on Khashoggi
–– Or 'publicly discussing.'

Trump signals US won't punish Saudi crown prince over Khashoggi killing
–– But no Secret Santa this Xmas.

Trump does not want to hear tape of 'vicious' Khashoggi murder
–– Unless Turks add laugh track.

Saudi king to open mine project, crown prince to attend G20
–– Need place to bury body parts.

Trump says 'thank you to Saudi Arabia' for lower oil prices, hours after refusing to condemn kingdom for Khashoggi murder
–– Insists ‘they’re killing it.’

Key Senate Republican says Trump's Saudi response 'took our nation to a very low level,' demands Hill briefing
–– Need deepwater sonar to plumb depths.

Fox News Analyst Says Washington Post 'Has Some Culpability' For Khashoggi's Murder
–– Printing truth should be misdemeanor.

Saudi Arabia accused of torturing women's right-to-drive activists in prison
–– Refuse to ask directions.

Saudi prince lands in UAE on first foreign tour since Khashoggi murder
–– Entitled Cut-ups!

Saudis Want a U.S. Nuclear Deal. Can They Be Trusted Not to Build a Bomb?
–– Can they be trusted not to shred agreement, ship out of country in multiple suitcases?

Osama Bin Laden Hunter Slams Trump Behavior As 'Greatest Threat To Our Democracy'
–– Can he order Black Hawks to Trump Tower?

'Patently ridiculous': Former top intel officials hit back at Trump after criticism of bin Laden raid
–– Trump actually trying to patent ridiculous.

Team Ivanka's email explanation is beyond ridiculous
–– Still has to pay Daddy for patent protection.

Instead of a comedian, White House Correspondents' Association enlists author Ron Chernow as speaker
–– Googled 'comedian: antonym'.

White House Correspondents Dinner organizers capitulate to Trump
–– Yellow Press.

Fake psychiatrist prompts UK investigation of 3,000 foreign doctors
–– Convinces authorities using hypnotism.

Mexican drug lord, Beltran Leyva, dead at 56 of cardiac arrest
–– May he rest in PCPs.

Bloomberg donates 'unprecedented' $1.8B to Johns Hopkins
–– Should suspend alumni pledge drives for next 50 years.

Sharon Tate's wedding dress sells at auction for $56,000
–– At Creepie’s Auctions.

California wildfires: Trump blames forest management during tour of devastation and says ‘I want great climate’
–– Not anywhere in 100 yds. of him.

Stacey Abrams calls Kemp Georgia's 'legal' governor, won't say he's legitimate
–– Bastards seldom are.

Can New York City’s Mayor Be an Amazon Booster and Still Be Progressive?
–– Do we hear Echo?

White Kansas Official’s ‘Master Race’ Comment Draws Calls for His Resignation
–– He's Nazi in Kansas anymore?

Florida recount ends with Rick Scott still leading over Bill Nelson
–– Because, well, Florida.

Deadly salmonella outbreak forces USDA to recall raw turkey
–– Tom: “Happy Thanksgiving, m-effers!’

Asked about climate change, Trump says 'lot of factors' to blame for California wildfires
–– And ‘good firebugs on both sides.’

Trump says 'good time' for a government shutdown if no money for border wall
–– Should shut down until 2020 election.

Norway stunned as warship sinks after collision
–– No way!

Lewinsky reveals timeline of Clinton affair
–– Because who’d want to be defined by 20-year-old scandal?

Trump threatens to leave if reporters act up
–– Act up! Act up!

Hunters asked to be on the lookout for clues on missing teen Jayme Closs
–– The poor deer.

Trump Takes Helicopter Tour of California Communities Scorched by Wildfires
–– Suggests holding WWI Memorial wherever he lands.

Beyond Stan Lee: Big decisions for Marvel superhero stories and films in the future
–– Will Roy Thomas take over cameos?

Aldyr Schlee: Creator of Brazil's distinctive yellow jersey dies, aged 83
–– Earns nature's red card.

Week of 11/16/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Trump retreating from duties into a ‘cocoon of bitterness’
–– Party pupa.

Trump Has Only Sticks, No Carrots
–– Needs non-vegan metaphor.

“Insanity,” “Furious,” “On his own”: Trump’s Post-Midterms Blues are Vexing His Staff and Roiling the White House
–– Washington Post-partum depression.

Recount Ordered in Florida Senate Race as Governor’s Contest Nears End
–– Commissioner ran out of fingers, toes.

Chuck Schumer Calls On Rick Scott To Recuse Himself From Florida’s Recounts
–– Already confused self.

Judge in Infamous 2000 Florida Recount: ‘I Had a Job to Do’
–– ‘Subverting justice wasn’t just my hobby.’

Democrat Harder upsets California GOP US Rep. Denham
–– Excited donkey just got Harder.

GOP Rep. Tom MacArthur, Who Helped Save the House Obamacare Repeal Bill, Loses Seat
–– Responds: ‘I shall not return.’

Stacey Abrams Ends Campaign to Become Georgia's Governor
–– aka Lost.

John Hinckley can move out of his mother's house, judge rules
–– But not work as taxi driver.

C.I.A. Concludes That Saudi Crown Prince Ordered Khashoggi Killed
–– And suspect John Hinckley shot Reagan.

Trump on China: 'Can't have trade that's meant for stupid people'
–– ‘That’s why I’m not allowed on barter system.’

Trump says he's written answers to Mueller questions, isn't 'agitated' by probe
–– Like water isn’t by high flame.

Witness at El Chapo Trial Gives Master Class on Sinaloa Cartel
–– Extremely high school.

Witness: El Chapo told me to give $100,000 to general
–– Wasn’t El Cheapo.

Jailed Lawmaker Sends Letter to Trump Saying Inmates Want to Help 'Build The Wall'
–– And tunnels under it.

Betsy DeVos’ ‘Round-the-Clock’ Security Costing Taxpayers $20m, Says Report
–– Wouldn't armed teachers be cheaper?

Betsy DeVos Proposes Stronger Protections for Students Accused of Sexual Assault
–– ‘Round-the-Cock’ security?

Chris Watts' Mistress Breaks Silence About Affair with Triple-Murderer: 'He Lied About Everything'
–– ‘I mean, like, he didn’t love my tuna casserole.’

Tom Cruise Won't Be in the Jack Reacher TV Show Because His Hands Aren't Thanksgiving Turkey-Sized
–– More capon-stuffing-sized.

Plaintiffs in $70 million Title IX class action lawsuit against Dartmouth describe 'systemic' sexual harassment
–– Poison Ivy.

William Goldman dead: Oscar-winning screenwriter behind Butch Cassidy and Princess Bride dies aged 87
–– Goldman sacked.

The ‘Fantastic Beasts 2’ Problem: Why Is Hollywood Giving Johnny Depp a Pass?
–– Playing ‘Grindelwald’ isn’t punishment?

Amy Schumer Was Hospitalized with the Exact Same Pregnancy Condition as Kate Middleton
–– Eerie.

Sen. John Kennedy To Trump: 'Tweeting A Little Less Would Not Cause Brain Damage'
–– Or ‘more brain damage.’.

Dunkin’ Donuts owner calls police on woman who tries to use store's free Wi-Fi
–– Don’t need internet connection to identify woman’s skin color.

Volkswagen to spend $50 billion on electric car 'offensive'
–– Beginning with invasion of Poland.

‘Batkid’ is now cancer-free
–– Hope doc’s not Joker.

Missing Disney film which predates Mickey Mouse resurfaces in Japan
–– Mickey went out with Meiko before Minnie.

Baltimore ‘Fiddler’ Disrupted by ‘Heil Hitler, Heil Trump’
–– Broke into If I was a Reich Man.

A Look Inside the Tactics of Definers, Facebook’s Attack Dog
–– Define harassment.

‘Infuriated’ Mark Zuckerberg Told Facebook Staff to Use Android After Apple CEO’s Diss
–– Cook goosed.

Facebook says it's creating an independent body to help it decide which content to remove
–– Robot with Gateway CPU.

Trump to Give Presidential Medal of Freedom to Elvis, Babe Ruth, and Wife of GOP Donor Who Gave $100 Million in Midterm Donations
–– Proposes statue of Miriam Adelson in Lincoln’s lap.

LeBron James Passes Wilt Chamberlain for 5th on NBA All-Time Scoring List
–– Thought he was married man.

O’Rourke, Cruz pose for photo during chance post-election encounter
–– As Butch and Somedunce.

St. Louis ballet dancer found dead in rural Missouri lake
–– Swan song lake.

Michael Avenatti Arrested on Suspicion of Domestic Violence in Los Angeles
–– Stormy denials.

Migrants in Caravans Are Arriving in Their Hundreds at the Mexico-U.S. Border
–– Boy, that walked aged them.

Hasbro just released "Monopoly for Millennials," and it's kind of offensive
–– And it’s so hard to offend millennials.

Everything You Need to Know About Prince Charles’s Glamorous Birthday Party at Buckingham Palace
–– Camilla gave him golden throne for royal loo.

Queen Elizabeth Gives Rare Emotional Speech at Son Prince Charles' 70th Birthday Party
–– ‘We most sincerely pray we outlive him.’

The Queen Once Found a Slug In Her Salad, and Her Reaction Was Savage
–– Slug for butler.

Prince Charles Is "Completely Infatuated" With Squirrels
–– Or “totally nuts.”

Ralph Lauren to become first American designer to receive British knighthood
–– Royals always did love Polo.

President Trump Makes Baseless Claim That Voters Change Clothes to Cast Multiple Votes
–– Did his supporters remove white hoods, get back in line?

Police Assure West Virginia Residents Those Weird Raccoons They Saw are Just Drunk, Not Rabid
–– In WV more likely on meth.

As relationship sours, Macron tells Trump France is not vassal of U.S.
–– Trumps: ‘You mean like a warship?’

Georgia Legislator, Arrested At Work, Says She Was ‘Singled Out As A Black Female Senator'
–– Cops: ‘We was protecting ya from yourself.’

Iran executes 'Sultan of Coins' for financial crimes
–– Life wasn’t worth plugged nickel.

Kevin McCarthy elected minority leader, will lead House Republicans after Paul Ryan's exit
–– Because Charley was in woodpile.

Who is Mira Ricardel and why did Melania Trump want her fired?
–– Shrew politician.

Trump blindsided by Melania's public rebuke
–– Blind only side he has.

Amazon Makes It Official: Long Island City Will Host Part Of Its 2nd Headquarters
–– It’s a jungle out there.

Helipads and everything else Amazon is getting out of its deals with New York and Virginia
–– Hellish pads in Long Island City.

DOJ says Whitaker's appointment as acting attorney general is constitutional
–– Acting Attorney General: ‘duh, yeah.’

Acting AG Matthew Whitaker Said That States Have Right to Nullify Federal Law
-– Especially pesky civil rights’ ones.

Republicans block Senate bid to protect Mueller probe
–– Insist he likes twisting in wind.

Sen. Lindsey Graham claims Trump won't fire Robert Mueller
–– ‘Phew!’ or ‘Fooey!’?

AP source: Mueller probe to go on, Whitaker tells Graham
–– You can’t take that to bank…of river, toss in.

Flake Demands Congress Protects Mueller Investigation, Threatens to Stall Trump's Judge Picks
–– Snow Flake.

Google CFO: We can make a car drive itself. Why can't we sort out sexual harassment?
–– In back seat.

Trump’s bizarre embrace of French nationalism
–– You don’t usually grab neo-Nazis down there.

Trump may fire his immigration hardliner DHS secretary — for not being hardline enough
–– Handwringing on the Wall.

Pilots report seeing 'very fast' UFO above Ireland
–– But flying erratically.

Monica Lewinsky Says She Would Apologize to Hillary Clinton If They Met Today
–– Not sorriest thing to pass through lips.

CNN Sues White House Over Jim Acosta Press Pass Suspension
–– Demands fedora with PRESS placard in band.

Trump argues in court filing that he can limit journalists' access to White House
–– And limit questions to monosyllables.

Donald Trump Claims “Hardship” In CNN Suit To Restore Jim Acosta’s WH Pass
–– Press counters with mental cruelty charge.

White House must restore CNN reporter Jim Acosta's press pass, judge rules
–– And return credit cards Stephen Miller stole.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Says Judge’s Ruling On Jim Acosta Badge A White House Win
–– Nation eagerly awaits WH scheduling Same Day.

Defeated GOP congressman blames McCain for House flipping
–– And spooky noises in coatroom.

Santorum: Trump's attacks on black women 'a problem'
–– ‘Somewhere, I assume.’

A group of Wisconsin high schoolers posed in apparent Nazi salute last spring. Now police are investigating
–– Heil school confidential.

Couple who named their baby after Adolf Hitler found guilty of being members of banned neo-Nazi group
–– Why couldn’t they’ve just called him lil’ Donald?

Playboy Stands by Its Ennio Morricone Story and His Scathing Comments on Quentin Tarantino
–– The hateful ain’t?

Stan Lee, Marvel Comics visionary, dead at 95
–– Snuff said.

Original 'Avengers' cast pay tribute to Stan Lee with full-page advert
–– Bill sent to Stark Industries unpaid.

WFAN Host Mike Francesa Has Least-Touching Stan Lee Tribute of the Day: ‘Oh, Who Cares?’
–– Stan Lee steamer.

In North Korea, Missile Bases Suggest a Great Deception
–– And great deceptions suggest giant boob.

‘Toy Story 4' Teaser Trailer Introduces New Toy Forky
–– The Fig?

Why 'A Star Is Born' Isn't Wowing Overseas Audiences
–– Taste?

Douglas Rain, Voice of HAL 9000 in ‘2001: A Space Odyssey,’ Dies at 90
–– Open the pod bay doors, Peter.

I’ve Spent The Last 4 Years Living In A Van And It Transformed My Entire Life
–– Can't you smell?

Hilary Duff Said Drinking Her Post-Birth Placenta Smoothie Was ‘Delightful’—But Yeah, Don’t Do That
–– Caul brew.

Marilyn Monroe's exposed shoulders got this teen a dress code violation. Confused? So was her mom.
–– Not to mention headline writer.

California shooting: Gunman Ian Long wanted to join US marines 'so he could kill for his country'
–– Happy Veterans Day.

Moms use broken coffee mug as weapon in bus stop brawl that sends both to the hospital
–– Ironically read ‘Best Mom Ever.’

Vatican orders US bishops to delay taking action on sexual abuse crisis
–– Another 900 years?

ABC News: Michelle Obama 'stopped even trying to smile' at Trump inauguration
–– Kudos for not openly sobbing.

Michelle Obama says Melania Trump turned down her offer of help
–– Already knew how to stop smiling.

Michelle Obama Tells Oprah Why She 'Sobbed for 30 Minutes' After Leaving the White House
–– Same reason we did.

Michelle Obama's Not Allowed to Drive Herself, Can't People-Watch at Cafés: 'We Still Live in a Bubble’
–– #wawaFLOTUS.

Strawberry needle scare: Woman allegedly spiked punnets for revenge
–– Or cut out pithy wordplay.

‘Bleeding’ plant-based burger hits growing UK vegan market
–– Bleedin’ awful.

Saudis Close to Crown Prince Discussed Assassinating Enemies a Year Before Khashoggi Killing
–– But was just for fun.

Turkey: 'Atrocious' recording suggests killer used drugs
–– ‘Had to be high to not fatten up that bass.'

Saudi Arabia to Seek Death Penalty for 5 Accused in Khashoggi Killing
–– After they cash bonuses from Crown Prince.

U.S. lawmakers expect votes on steps to crack down on Saudi Arabia
–– Legislating en plain air.

Rapper Ice-T Baffles Twitter After Admitting He`s Never Had a Bagel or Coffee
–– And no iced tea!

SoCal Wildfires Burn Caitlyn Jenner, "The Bachelor" Homes
–– And hundreds more that deserve sympathy.

‘Bachelor’ Mansion Remains “Unscathed” By California Wildfires – Update
–– God gets a rose.

Mindy Kaling: A Lot of People Have a Problem Being Around Women Who Don't Hate Themselves
–– Or ones they hate themselves?

California Democrat Harley Rouda Defeats Longtime Rep. Dana Rohrabacher
–– Mercifully didn’t roar back.

Scientists Discover Adorable Bird That’s Actually 3 Species In One
–– Warbling Gangbanger.

How Rep. Steve King Almost Lost
–– Iowans not total racists.

Trump Skipped Veterans Remembrance Ceremony Because He ‘Did Not Want to Disrupt Paris Traffic’
–– Offered Légion d'honneur medal by traffic cops.

Trump’s Nationalism Rebuked at World War I Commemoration
–– As leaders repuked.

Topless Protester Gets Within Feet Of Trump’s Motorcade In Paris
–– Headless man ’n' topless barred.

NRA tells doctors to 'stay in their lane'
–– So we can execute drive-by.

Camp Fire is most destructive wildfire in California history: 9 dead, 6,713 structures incinerated
–– Or since August.

Hollywood actor James Woods is helping find missing people in California wildfires
–– If they voted for Trump.

Satanic Temple Sues Over Goat-Headed Statue in ‘Sabrina’ Series
–– Producers hope to bleat rap.

Instagram influencer says she was dress-coded at the Louvre: 'Picasso would have loved my outfit’
–– For harlequin.

Week of 11/09/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Matt Whitaker, Trump’s Acting Attorney General Pick, Is A Major Critic Of The Russia Probe
–– Putin party before country.

Dean: Sessions firing planned like a murder
–– By Leatherface.

Jeff Sessions protests: thousands march after Trump fires attorney general – as it happened
–– Batter the devil you know.

Trump considering Christie, Bondi for attorney general
–– And ex-chauffeur, ghost of Roy Cohn.

Acting Attorney General Once Declared Courts ‘Inferior’ and Criticized Supreme Court’s Power
–– Judge doody.

Matthew Whitaker’s Appointment as Acting Attorney General Is Illegal
–– Should go sue himself.

Whitaker's link to a 'scam' company that was shut down by the government
–– Perfectly prepares him for Trump Administration.

Trump reviewing his answers to Mueller as he changes who oversees the Russia investigation
–– With Whitaker’s cheat sheet.

Trump defends choice for acting AG, but also says he doesn't know him
–– Aides put pictures of several spineless lackeys on wall, he just threw dart.

‘He’s a F*cking Fool’: Justice Department Officials Trash Matt Whitaker, Their New Boss
–– They know him.

Whitaker ran conservative group funded by dark money
–– Whitest dark money ever.

Even for This President, It Was a Remarkable Week of Attacks on American Institutions
–– 'Even failing New York Times calls me REMARKABLE!'

Trump Reportedly Directed Hush Money Payments and National Enquirer Offered to Help
–– Well, shut my mouth!

Trump slams George Conway: You mean 'Mr. Kellyanne ...'
–– Talk about bitch slap.

Many Who Fled California Attack Were Survivors of Las Vegas Massacre
–– Thinking of switching to classical music.

Trump limits asylum, says migrants must "have merit'
–– Insists they wear sash with badge.

Seven-Year-Old Cowboys Fan Writes Letter to Jerry Jones, Says Believing in Cowboys is 'Hard'
–– ‘Even Roy Rogers!’

Spice Girls announce reunion tour
–– Ban on Old Spice jokes immediately imposed.

Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp are engaged
–– Her lips demand prenup.

“We’re Nobody’s Third Love, We’re Their First Love”—The Architects of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show Are Still Banking on Bombshells
–– Bikini a-hole.

People are furious about Amazon's reported decision to split its HQ2 between New York City and Virginia after months of deliberation
–– Defy Prime Directive.

‘I Know My Films Work Better for Some:’ Terry Gilliam on ‘Quixote’ Criticisms
–– 'You don't know who you are.'

WFAN war picks up: Mike Francesa is a miserable ‘bully’
–– Someone not a FAN.

Washington Post: Michelle Obama says in memoir she'll 'never forgive' Trump for endangering her family
–– She speaks for all Americans.

Judge Blocks the Disputed Keystone XL Pipeline in a Setback for Trump’s Energy Agenda
–– Crude joke.

Mob chants threats outside Tucker Carlson’s DC home
–– More a mobette.

Is Theresa May a Secret Genius?
–– Best kept since JR was shot.

69-year-old Dutchman starts legal bid to become 20 years younger
–– Age before booby.

‘It disturbs me to my core': Fox News staffers express outrage over Hannity's rally appearance
–– ‘I mean it would, if I had one.’

Trump accuses black reporter of ‘racist question’ after she asks if his rhetoric has emboldened white nationalists
–– Or ‘question for racist?'

Trump Attacks CNN's Jim Acosta as "Rude, Terrible Person" During Press Briefing
–– From him, sounds like compliment.

White House pulls CNN correspondent Jim Acosta's pass after contentious news conference
–– After yanking chain.

White House press secretary tweets misleading video from InfoWars personality to justify revoking CNN reporter's credentials
–– Were Jonesing to lie again.

Trump Threatens to Retaliate Against Reporters Who Don’t Show ‘Respect’
–– Dead Rodney Dangerfield deserves more.

Midterm elections: Blue wave fails to materialise – but Trump’s life is about to be made more difficult
–– Voters return favor.

With control of U.S. House, Democrats will seek to rein in Trump
–– Like busting bunco.

Rep. Jim Jordan wins seventh term despite Ohio State wrestling team scandal
–– Supporters closed eyes, imagined he was groping them in shower.

Obama urges reconciliation, praises Democrats for midterm victories
–– Between Trump’s left, right brain lobes?

Trump and Pence appear to renew their vows for 2020
–– For marriage made in Hell.

Trump warns Democrats about investigations: "I'm better at that game than they are"
–– “Like any one you can cheat at.”

McConnell warns Democrats: 'Presidential harassment' could backfire
–– Let’s just see.

Retiring GOP congressman: Trump mocking losers like 'dancing on somebody's grave'
–– More shuffling gleefully.

Kellyanne Conway spins House loss, calls Trump a "consummate dealmaker"
–– Cites historic pact with unreality.

Beto O’Rourke Drops F-Bomb on Live TV During Concession Speech
–– Not obvious 'Fuck Cruz and fuckin' fucks who fuckin' reelected him.'

What happens now that a dead pimp has won a Nevada senate seat?
–– They have leader they deserve.

Girl Scouts sue Boy Scouts over name change
–– They Scouts?

Julia Roberts' Infamous Armpit Hair Reveal Was a Statement—But Not the One You Think
–– ‘I don’t have a razor.’

Sinead O’Connor says she ‘never wants to spend time with white people again’ following conversion to Islam
–– White people: ‘Thank you.’

’Alec Baldwin Show’ Moved to Saturday Nights on ABC
–– Because Tuesday midnight at Bowl-a-Rama was booked.

Bill Gates brings poop to the podium to tout new toilet tech
–– Wasn’t micro, soft.

Idris Elba Named People's Sexiest Man Alive
–– Disable was I ere I saw Elba’s ID.

Cigar-shaped interstellar object may have been an alien probe, Harvard paper claims
–– Or Venusian sex toy.

Rebel Wilson Responds to Backlash After Claiming to Be the 'First-Ever Plus Sized' Rom-Com Lead
–– Big fat lie?

Burger King Flame-Grills Kanye West Over His Love For McDonald's
–– Talk big smack.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Mocks Ted Cruz to His Face: Trump ‘Neutered’ You
–– Calls spayed a spayed.

Jim Carrey savages Ted Cruz ahead of Election Day, calls him out for 'sucking up' to Trump
–– Up and off.

Author Stephen King On Fellow Steve King: Vote Out 'This Racist Dumbbell'
–– Carrie on.

Election Day weather forecast: Potent storm to blast eastern US, could affect voter turnout
–– Maybe God is Republican.

Trump says Yemen bus attack was due to bombers not using weapon properly
–– Saudis should’ve enlisted Khashoggi death squad.

Fisherman saves toddler floating face-down in the ocean
–– Ironically, was named Bob.

The Utah mayor who died in Afghanistan had one final wish. He wanted Americans to vote
–– Or was that after ‘let me breath one more breath?’

How 'Child's Play' Survived Bad Test Screenings to Become a Horror Classic
–– Wasn’t child’s play?

Warner says Trump riding economic "sugar high" ahead of midterms, warns of "hangover" in 2019
–– 1% snorting unregulated nose candy.

Trump: Migrants Will Camp on Front Lawns if Gillum Wins in Florida
–– Next to his base’s lawn jockeys?

Trump Called Pittsburgh Mayor Minutes After Tree of Life Shooting—to Discuss the Death Penalty
–– Only had time for one thought, no prayer.

Trump Now Lying "30 Times A Day" Ahead Of US Midterm Elections
–– Same as resting hate rate.

‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ Sends Thunderbolts And Lightning Through B.O. As Freddie Mercury Biopic Hits $50M Opening
–– Taste-wise, is very very frightening.

Winklevoss twins claim cryptocurrency guru stole 5,000 bitcoins
–– In imaginary sack.

Cool or cruel?: Man creates dog-drawn carriage to help him get around 
–– Cute if it was sled?

Prince Harry reveals he was teased at school because of a habit Prince Charles taught him
–– Taking ‘lil’ Prince’ out for noon air.

Yoga Studio Shooting Hero Attacked Gunman With A Vacuum Cleaner And Broomstick
–– Hoping to clean clock.

Alibaba’s Ma calls U.S.-China trade war "most stupid thing in this world"
–– Including its instigator?

Alec Baldwin faces assault, harassment charges after alleged parking dispute
–– Dumb Alec.

Jamal Khashoggi’s sons demand return of murdered journalist’s body for burial in Saudi Arabia
–– In as many envelopes as necessary.

Saudi Prince Alwaleed: Khashoggi probe will exonerate leader
–– Are you all on weed?

Senate Report Finds 'No Credible Evidence' of Sexual Misconduct by Kavanaugh
–– Incredibles 3.

Chelsea Handler Poses Topless While She Encourages Her Followers to Vote
–– Two thumbs down.

Taylor Swift Ripping Off Her Fake Eyelashes in Concert Is a Big Mood
–– According to spellcheck.

Far-Right Internet Groups Listen for Trump’s Approval, and Often Hear It
–– Huddled around their Victrolas.

The Rhine, a Lifeline of Germany, Is Crippled by Drought
–– Botch on the Rhine.

Donald Trump Jr. Emerges as the G.O.P. ‘Relief Pitcher’ of 2018
–– Righty who features screwball.

Brian Kemp’s Office, Without Citing Evidence, Investigates Georgia Democrats Over Alleged ‘Hack’
–– Should investigate own office for confirmed hack.

Georgia's Kemp resigns as secretary of state with governor's race still undecided
–– Job of getting self elected done.

Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity to Appear With Trump at Midterm Eve Rally
–– On steel-reinforced stage.

Lowe’s is closing 51 stores in the US and Canada
–– Lowe blow.

Pompeo says he will meet N.Korea number two in New York
–– Toilet.

A short history of toilets at 35,000 feet – what really happens when you flush a plane loo?
-– A hard rain’s gonna fall.

Pete Davidson’s ‘SNL’ Joke About Wounded Vet Running For House Seat Draws Fire
–– Patchy.

Kenan Thompson Says Pete Davidson Went Too Far With Wounded Veteran Joke
–– Though Crenshaw wants to go even further with Trump joke.

Uber Driver Arrested After Allegedly Refusing to Let Out Passengers While Leading Police on Chase
–– Forgot he didn’t have meter.

Trump says Democrats would ruin Florida, his second home
–– Like he's ruined current, the White House?

Dozens of US spies killed after Iran and China uncovered CIA messaging service using Google
–– Hacked mole on menu.

Melania Trump Spokeswoman Furious About Report On $95,000 Cairo Hotel Tab
–– When she realize she didn’t get cut.

Trump Administration Goes To Trial To Defend Adding A Citizenship Question To Census
–– Senseless takers.

Even Fox News Stops Running Trump Caravan Ad Criticized as Racist
–– Too racist for Fox is like too dishonest for Trump.

Pentagon no longer calling border mission 'Operation Faithful Patriot'
–– Redubbed Operation Rolling Blunder.

Trump Celebrates 'Beautiful Barbed Wire' On U.S.-Mexico Border
–– Always loved little pricks.

Border Protection is preparing for the caravan — with weapons and gear designed for combat
–– Incuding Weapons of Mass Detention.

The Latest: Caravan splinters as it heads through Mexico
–– Trump suspects tactical ploy as children circle around through Canada, to surprise troops from rear.

Capt. Sullenberger: Vote against Republican control
–– Message lands.

Air Force Mascot, a Falcon, Is Injured by West Point Cadets During Prank
–– Winged.

US Navy has had 18 unsafe or unprofessional encounters with China since 2016
–– Issued condoms, cash.

Supreme Court won't block children's climate change lawsuit
–– Had SPF 30 ready.

Elementary school teachers in Idaho dressed up as a MAGA border wall for Halloween
–– Appropriate for blockheads.

How Mike Lindell, the MyPillow guy, became a midterm messenger
–– Feather-brained.

Week of 11/02/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Trump Posts Pro-GOP Ad Comparing Migrants to Convicted Murderer
–– Odious amigos.

Trump: 'When I can, I tell the truth'
–– Not even when in can.

Outrage erupts over Trump campaign ad blaming Democrats for immigrant who 'killed our people'
–– A sore spot.

Trump laments that 'two maniacs' stopped GOP momentum in midterms
–– Him and who else?

Michael Cohen claims Trump made repeated racist references
–– Guess he’s listening to campaign rallies.

Midterms 2018: Steve Bannon attracts crowd of 'about 25 people' to election rally in Kansas
–– Including Toto.

'They look a lot bigger than people would think': Trump says he's 'good at estimating crowd size' when talking about caravan
–– 'The Hispanics are pretty short, but those Middle Easterners are yuge.'

Study of Cellphone Risks Finds ‘Some Evidence’ of Link to Cancer, at Least in Male Rats
–– And Republican voters?

Roger Stone Sold Himself to Trump’s Campaign as a WikiLeaks Pipeline. Was He?
–– At $2.50, maybe.

Kavanaugh won't make traditional walk down court steps due to security concerns
–– Will instead ooze.

Jeff Bezos says he's choosing HQ2 location with his heart
–– Gutless decision?

North Korea: Extent of horrific sexual violence against women revealed in shocking report
–– Everyone assumed regime was woke.

Equating rocks with rifles, Trump proposes radical new rules of engagement for troops along border
–– Equating rocks with brains.

Women for Trump Founder Justifies Rocks as Rifles Policy With Bible Story: Remember David and Goliath?
–– And AR-15 little guy should’ve had?

White House Spox Warns Fox & Friends of ‘Daily Caravan’ Invading United States
–– A pox on both crox.

Tennessee killer says, 'Let's rock' before state executes him with electric chair
–– Or ‘shock?’

Satanic Temple having devil of a time with 'Chilling Adventures of Sabrina'
–– No rest for the wiccan.

Al Roker defends dressing as white character for Halloween
–– Isn’t Doc Brown?

British applications for Irish passports almost double as Brexit looms
–– For emergency Brexit.

Jennifer Lopez Addresses Alex Rodriguez's Past Doping Scandal: 'Everybody Has Flaws'
–– She met Mr. Roid.

Indiana Farmers Impacted By Soybean Exports To China Down 97 Percent
–– Amounts to hill of beans.

Ben & Jerry's Launches New Anti-Trump Ice Cream Flavor Called 'Pecan Resist'
–– Resist.

‘We don't do stunts', Mattis says of troops to border
–– Unless Trump tells him to stand on head.

Gen. McCaffrey: Trump is bordering on unconstitutional behavior
–– And Congress won’t build wall.

Twitter Users Needle Donald Trump Jr. For Telling People To Vote On The Wrong Day
–– His followers should vote Wednesday.

CBS’ New Board Chief Is 60 and Has 8 Percent Body Fat
–– So long as he hasn’t chubby.

Bodies of 2 Women Bound Together with Duct Tape Found Washed Up on the Rocks of the Hudson River
–– Viaduct?

WeWork to limit free beer all-day perk to four glasses
–– Or WeRest.

EPA quietly telling states they can pollute more
–– Blowing smoke up ass.

Alex Trebek, Pat Sajak, Vanna White Renew Contracts Through 2022
–– Exciting fans who can never quite remember names.

Logan Paul Would Like One More Chance: "I Hate Being Hated"
–– But we love hating you.

Civil servant who watched porn at work blamed for infecting a US government network with malware
–– It was at EROS Center.

Woman accuses American Airlines of stealing belongings from her suitcase, but learns she actually took the wrong bag
–– Ms. Litella: ‘Never mind!’

The Bizarre And Failed Attempt To Smear Robert Mueller
–– Couldn't uncover past probes.

Sundar Pichai emailed Google staff saying he is 'deeply sorry' for the firm's record on sexual misconduct
–– Hopes they catch competition.

Hardline Islamists in Pakistan call for death of judges who overturned Christian woman's death sentence for blasphemy
–– Sharia, baby.

Pakistan Christian woman acquitted of blasphemy will have to leave country for her own safety
–– Gets off easy.

Fox News Undermined Megyn Kelly Long After She Left for NBC
–– By not gagging her?

Land O'Lakes Withdraws Support For White Supremacist GOP Congressman Steve King
–– Milk, yogurt, blancmange wavering.

Pressure building to expel Steve King from Congress
–– Like after eating six sticks of butter.

Sanders: Trump’s visit to synagogue ‘humbling’
–– Or ‘bumbling’?

Local, national officials decline to appear with Trump in Pittsburgh
–– Not cootie-bound.

Mourning Protestors at Tree of Life Synagogue Turned Their Backs on Trump
–– Yep, it’s Mourning in America.

Synagogue shooter 'listened to noise and noise told him his people were being slaughtered', says Jewish doctor who spoke to Robert Bowers
–– Noise: ‘Fake news!’

Pittsburgh synagogue shooting: Why was synagogue attack suspect Robert Bowers apparently obsessed with HIAS?
–– Little FOXie told him.

Jewish groups from both parties slam 'offensive' decision to have Messianic Jewish minister at Pence event
–– Boos for Jesus.

And just like that, Kanye West appears to be over politics
–– And under doctor’s supervision.

Chapman, Pratt Want Kentucky HOF Plaques Removed If Nazi Items Displayed at Expo
–– How about for Lynching HOF?

Julian Assange: The house guest who overstayed his welcome?
–– Started to smell three years ago.

Why Jon Stewart didn't take Trump seriously
–– Overestimated Americans' intelligence.

India Unveils World’s Tallest Statue, Twice the Size of Lady Liberty
–– Has equivalent of ‘two torches’ in pants.

Sharice Davids Could Become First Lesbian Native American Congresswoman
–– Squaw peg.

Lion Air jet one of Boeing's newest, most-advanced planes
–– Engines failed to roar.

Oldest weapons ever found in North America rewrite human history
–– Ancient peoples fought with sharpened pencils.

Woman who had sex with 20 ghosts is now engaged to a spirit
–– Expecting wedding presence.

Stolen inflatable colon found in vacant home
–– Both evacuated.

Trump claims he can defy Constitution and end birthright citizenship
–– As he makes self levitate.

Paul Ryan says 'You cannot end birthright citizenship with an executive order'
–– Was told by developmentally-challenged 10-year-old.

Birthright citizenship: Trump claims only the US grants it, he's wrong
–– Phrase ‘Trump claims’ always infers that.

Graham to introduce legislation to end birthright citizenship
–– McCain puking in grave.

Sources: Justice Department investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke
–– Interior desecrating.

Neanderthals might not be the hunched cavemen we thought they were, study says
–– A straight-up lie?

Boston gangster James 'Whitey' Bulger killed in West Virginia prison a day after transfer
–– Good news at last!

How Mob Boss 'Whitey' Bulger Won $14.3 Million in 1991 Lottery
–– From store he owned? Luck, of course!

Whitey Bulger's attackers tried to cut out his tongue, federal official says
–– Aw, rats.

GE slashes 119-year old dividend to a penny
–– GE-whiz!

Shaun White Apologizes for "Offensive" 'Tropic Thunder' Halloween Costume
–– Simple jack.

Louis C.K. Greeted by Protesters at First Official Stand-Up Gig
–– Punchline: 2.

USAG directs head tumbling coach for the 2018 U.S. World Championships Team to resign
–– Flips out.

50 Cent and Ja Rule escalate beef
–– Raise steaks.

James Cromwell: ‘There Will be Blood in the Streets’ if Trump Isn’t Stopped
–– Bait: pig in the city.

Fox News Bans Guest for George Soros Comments on 'Lou Dobbs Tonight'
–– Almost turned host’s hair white again.

Kellyanne Conway: Trump trying to heal country
–– With leeches.

Joe Jonas Wows Kate Hudson's Halloween Bash as Fiancée Sophie Turner's Game of Thrones Character
–– No Sansa fashion.

Why peanut reactions have become 'almost epidemic' — and what to do about food allergies
–– More nuts than ever.

Merkel to give up party leadership after poll setback
–– Germans no longer believe in Merkels.

Mural depicting Beto O'Rourke as a superhero is vandalised days after being unveiled
–– By Wrecking Cruz?

Police say man reportedly shot by woman's ex-husband during date at Twin Peaks restaurant
–– BOB suspected.

Prince Harry Thanks New Zealand Fans on Behalf of 'Myself, My Wife and Our Little Bump'
–– Nickname for his ‘Harry Jr.’

At Least 1 Trump Supporter Still Thinks Obama, Clintons Sent Bombs To Themselves
–– Huckabee Sanders awaiting denial from President.

Michael Moore Shares Cut Footage Of Cesar Sayoc At Trump Rally From ‘Fahrenheit 11/9’
–– Should’ve put a Sayoc in it.

Duterte spokesperson comments on Fil-Am suspected of sending mail bombs to Obama, Clinton 
–– ‘I could’ve told son-of-a-bitch how to make them work!’

Saudi FM says global outcry over Khashoggi 'hysterical'
–– Sheikhs can’t stop laughing.

After the Khashoggi Murder, Pakistan Shakes Down Weakened Saudi Prince for $6 Billion
–– Paks it in.

WWE defends 'incredibly tough decision' to go to Saudi Arabia
–– Yeah, a real moral suplex.

Khashoggi's body was dismembered, Turkish chief prosecutor says
–– Still piecing together story.

Boston Red Sox Win the World Series
–– Get out of Dodger.

Kimmel, Damon wear 'I'm with stupid' shirts at World Series
–– Both right.

The Washington Post: Ruth Bader Ginsburg calls Congress the 'culprit' in polarizing the confirmation process
–– SCOTUS's Miss Marple.

Tesla slashes price of Model 3 'performance package'
–– Which is also what Musk promises super model dates.

Hungary Turned Far Right. That’s Meant Millions for Its Opera.
–– Won’t go Hungary.

Trump falsely says NYSE opened day after Sept. 11 attacks to justify holding rally after Pittsburgh shooting
–– ‘On September 17 in which the 7 is basically a 2 missing the bottom part.’

House majority leader deletes tweet saying Soros, Bloomberg, Steyer are trying to 'buy' election
–– Still blames Rothschilds.

Trump Calls for Unity After Synagogue Shooting, Then Swiftly Denounces Democrats
–– United we strand.

Pittsburgh Mayor to Trump: Guns in synagogues are not the answer
–– He’s off the bimah.

What is Gab? Social media site used by Pittsburgh synagogue shooting suspect 'being forced offline'
–– Mad Gab.

On Day Of Mass Shooting, Trump Jokes He Nearly Canceled Speech Due To 'Bad Hair Day'
–– What’s under hair really bad.

There have been 47,220 gun incidents in the U.S. in 2018 — and here they all are on one map
–– We’ll wait for NRA’s 2018 commemorative edition.

Kentucky Dad Apologizes For Father-Son Nazi Halloween Costumes
–– MAGA hats were in wash.

Campbell Soup VP who tweeted Soros conspiracy is out
–– Controversy brought to boil, simmered.

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