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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
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Week of 09/28/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Trump orders FBI probe into Kavanaugh
–– Will they cover mouth as they try to insert?

Flake confronted by two female protesters after announcing he'll back Kavanaugh
–– Frosted Flake.

Brett Kavanaugh Plans Calendar Defense; Time’s Up Calls For Walk-Out
–– 1982 Playmates of the Year.

White House and Kavanaugh deny allegation made by second woman
–– Promises to keep gavel in robes.

Donald Trump: Kavanaugh’s 2nd Accuser ‘Has Nothing’ Because She ‘Admits She Was Drunk’
–– Maybe penis was really pink elephant.

Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels Attorney, Claims He Has Third Kavanaugh Accuser
–– Sees, raises.

Third Kavanaugh accuser, a former US Mint employee, '100 percent credible,' Avenatti says
–– Turns up like bad penny for Kavanaugh.

Julie Swetnick Accuses Brett Kavanaugh Of Sexual Misconduct, Alleges He Was Present During ‘Gang Rape’
–– Piling on.

Kavanaugh’s Yearbook Page Is ‘Horrible, Hurtful’ to a Woman It Named
–– Characterizing her Most Likely to Accede.

'These Are Smears, Pure and Simple.' Brett Kavanaugh Doubles Down on His Defense After Second Accuser Comes Forward
–– Like second six pack.

Kavanaugh mocked after citing virginity, strict social calendar in latest defense
–– And being too drunk to get it up.

Brett Kavanaugh Regrets Some Choices in High School, but Again Denies Sexual Assault
–– Maybe should’ve taken Sex Ed.

Kavanaugh Was ‘Aggressive And Belligerent’ When Drunk, His Yale Roommate Says
–– Also when testifying before Senate Judiciary Committees.

Senator Orrin Hatch just called Dr. Christine Blasey Ford an 'attractive witness'
–– Her testimony ‘kinda hot.’

Ted Cruz Disgusts People By Lamenting That Brett Kavanaugh's Coaching Days Are Over
–– Could mentor frat party organizers.

Juanita Broaddrick Is Glad You Believe Her, Would Like You To Ignore Christine Blasey Ford
–– Trauma Queen.

Canadians react to Kavanaugh: ''Someone can be...a good guy and still commit sexual violence'
–– “And love brewskis, eh?”

Woman lived with mother's decomposing body for months 'to see the stages of death'
–– Could’ve just tuned in Kavanaugh hearing.

SEC charges Tesla CEO Elon Musk with fraud
–– Can't he countersue for character assassination?

Elon Musk Wanted to Impress Girlfriend With $420 Price, SEC Says
–– And Jodie Foster.

Wanda Sykes Booed Over Anti-Trump Jokes During Comedy Show in New Jersey
–– Wasn’t being unfunny enough?

Don Imus Beats Age Discrimination Lawsuit
–– With cane.

CBS faces New York probe tied to ex-CEO Leslie Moonves
–– CSI: Black Rock.

Teacher Acquitted of Having Sex With Student Finds Work as a Waitress
–– You'll want to order a little on the side.

Jury Verdict Thrown Out in Led Zeppelin ‘Stairway to Heaven’ Lawsuit
–– Ooh, it makes me wonder.

Facebook says it has discovered 'security issue' affecting nearly 50 million accounts, investigation in early stages
–– Mock Zuckerberg.

Trump says China has total respect for his very, very large brain
–– Would like to remove, pickle, study.

Trump said soybean prices have gone up. They're near decade-lows.
–– 'I love soy. The beans. People don't know this, but they are very healthy. And toe food! I love toe food.'

Police make neighbor remove 'offensive' Halloween decoration resembling lynched black man hanging from tree
–– Maybe it was campaign display for Arthur Jones running nearby.

Pope on abuse: 'In old times these things were covered up'
–– ‘Like-a last week.’

Mexican authorities seize control of Acapulco police force
–– Mexican authorities confiscate weapons, Speedos, margaritas.

Chuck Grassley says GOP is using prosecutor to "de-politicize" hearing
–– And “unman”.

While America wages war on opioids, meth makes its comeback
–– Qualifies for November ballot in OK.

Texas Boy Thought to Be Nonverbal Can Speak After Dentist Discovers He's 'Tongue-Tied'
–– Believe it or knot.

‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3’ will apparently still use James Gunn’s script
–– Will give another shot.

Lao drug kingpin with celebrity links gets 2nd life sentence
–– You only live twice.

Nearly 70% of Americans consider themselves middle-class—here's how many actually are
–– Same percentage who understand tax return.

Ford CEO Says Trump Metals Tariffs Took $1 Billion of Profit
–– Body blow.

Democrats have leads in Rust Belt states that Trump won: Reuters poll
–– Not iron-clad.

The Army is Finally Fixing Its Rifles That Could Fire Without Pulling the Trigger
–– Touchy subject.

President Trump Said He's an 'Absolute No' on Puerto Rican Statehood as Long as Critics Remain in Office
–– Which is how all issues of sovereignty should be decided.

Michael Rapaport Sues Barstool Sports Over Herpes Accusations, Revenue From Agreement
–– Claims he didn’t get from barstool.

Matt Harvey on free agency: 'There's only one team out there I would not sign with'
–– We have Mets the enemy.

American nuns win victory holding Smith & Wesson accountable
–– Preyed for piece.

Shockwaves from WWII bombing raids reached the edge of space
–– Made such a rocket.

Tiffany Haddish Says Women Must ‘Drown’ Their Vaginas For Good Sex
–– Don't hold your breath.

Bill Cosby sentencing: Judge hands comedian 3 to 10 years prison time after ruling him 'sexually violent predator'
–– Not stand-up guy.

He’s a 'sexually violent predator,' but Hollywood will not remove Bill Cosby's star from the Walk of Fame
–– To get own star outside Trump Plaza in NYC.

Dunkin’ Donuts is officially dropping 'Donuts'
–– Leaving hole.

Why a former Mormon bishop was excommunicated for criticizing sexually explicit youth interviews
–– Elders: ‘C’mon, that’s the only fun we get!’

Some world leaders laugh as Trump claims his administration accomplished more than others
–– He said world was laughing at us.

Twitter Users Taunt Donald Trump After World Leaders Openly Laugh At His UN Speech
–– UN-controllably.

Trump claims he wanted the UN to laugh at his speech, calls it ‘great'
–– He killed…reputation.

Nikki Haley: United Nations Laughter Not A Diss But A Sign Of Respect For Trump’s ‘Honesty’
–– Hers elicits howls.

The internet is going nuts after President Trump mistakes "cocoa" for "coca"
–– Cocanuts?

Bolivia's Morales Slams Trump to His Face at UN Security Council
–– Why not in?

Trump: We will only give foreign aid to "those who respect us and frankly our friends"
–– aka Nobody.

Apple spikes Dr. Dre's 'graphic' new show, wants original content without 'gratuitous sex, profanity, or violence'
–– Too many Cooks…

Six Flags Will Give You a Bunch of Money If You Survive 30 Hours in a "Slightly Used" Coffin
–– Sharing with vampire for 8 of those.

Rob Goldstone: I Wish I’d Never Set Up Trump Tower Meeting
–– More like Gallstone.

Pete Davidson gets death threats for being with Ariana Grande: 'Am I that ugly that people want to shoot me in the face?'
–– No, but there is punch line forming.

Jamie Dimon Says It Will Take 25 Years for Bailouts to Be Forgiven
–– Chase longue.

Rod Rosenstein Denies Plotting to Record Trump, Invoke 25th Amendment
–– Thought exploding pen would do trick.

Mike Pompeo warns White House staff as he denies Rosenstein wiretapping allegations
–– Sounds bugged.

Instagram’s Co-Founders to Step Down From Company
–– Tagged out.

Offering Manicures With Your Hot Pot, China’s Haidilao Plans a Global Push
–– Be careful where you dip fingers.

Air Force awards $2.4B contract for new helicopters to guard nukes
–– Bombyguards.

Michael Kors could buy Versace in $2 billion deal
–– Donatella might finally afford face work.

James Lipton Retiring From 'Inside the Actors Studio'
–– Beard will replace.

Ted Cruz is asked if he lost his dignity
–– Even he had to laugh.

Ted Cruz, wife chased out of D.C. restaurant by anti-Kavanaugh protesters
–– Had chaser with cocktail.

Ted Cruz Spotted On Flight Looking At Photo Of Senate Rival Beto O’Rourke
–– Can’t decide whether to swipe right.

74-year-old man found alive 5 days after Washington, DC, building fire
–– Still holding match.

Weight Watchers is changing its name to WW
–– Adding E, getting into steelcage.

Two musical senators among those pushing bill to help songwriters
–– Just whistling Dixie.

Jon Gruden on loss to Dolphins, Raiders' 0-3 start: 'My responsibility to fix it'
–– Typical when you break something.

Dodgers fans give Chase Utley nice send-off
–– Not Phillie-style battery shower?

Kentucky Chick-Fil-A Drive-Thru Somehow Serves 3 Cars Every Minute
–– Passengers left unfed.

‘Lion King’ Puppet Specialist Charged With Manufacturing 3-D Printed Gun at Theater
–– Not hunting rifle?

Trump Jr. lashes out at PETA over Halloween costume
–– Leopard tamer cracks wimp.

Pliskova pummels tearful Osaka to win Tokyo crown
–– Before or after beating her in straight sets?

Minnesota Lawmaker Quits Campaign After Daughter Says He Inappropriately Touched Her for 12 Years
–– Knoblach’s knob block.

Don’t vote for our brother, warn six siblings of US congressman
–– Relative acidity.

White Sox shortstop Tim Anderson blasts Joe West: 'Everyone knows he's terrible'
–– Goad West, young man.

Principal caught on tape threatening to 'embarrass' girl who reported assault: 'You should see the dress she’s got on'
–– 'The one I'm imagining her removing, the slut.'

Trump Administration Aims to Sharply Restrict New Green Cards for Those on Public Aid
–– Fact they sound eco-friendly doesn’t help.

Johnny Manziel Struggles, Throws Pick in Alouettes' Blowout Loss to Winnipeg
–– Alouettes self.

Khabib Didn't Like Conor McGregor's Cursing at UFC 229 Presser
–– Shush Kabib.

Beer, sausages and politics: German nationalism threatens Oktoberfest
–– Wurst celebration ever.

Retailer drops sexy 'Handmaid's Tale' costume following outcry
–– Will still carry 'RBG' peek-a-boo robe.

Week of 09/21/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Brett Kavanaugh and His Accuser Say They’re Willing to Testify
–– He sad she said.

Trump vows to rid Justice Department of 'lingering stench'
–– Spray with own stink.

Rosenstein Suggested Secretly Recording Trump and Discussed 25th Amendment
–– Between Rod and staff.

President Trump on Kavanaugh allegations: 'He is one of the finest people'
–– In his circle? Undoubtedly.

Trump: 'Very hard to imagine' anything happened between Kavanaugh and accuser
–– ‘And I’ve tried very, very hard.’

Kavanaugh High School Pal Writes In Memoir Of Being Wild Drunk With Girls
–– Justice is blind drunk.

Brett Kavanaugh In 2015: 'What Happens At Georgetown Prep Stays At Georgetown Prep'
–– If you pay enough hush money.

Evangelical Leaders Are Frustrated at G.O.P. Caution on Kavanaugh Allegation
–– Like they can't tear a 15-year-old's bathing suit off.

If Republicans Wanted The Truth About Kavanaugh, They Would Subpoena Mark Judge
–– If the size of Texas.

Trump breaks restraint and casts doubt on Kavanaugh accuser
–– Chain, leash in WH basement not strong enough.

Trump Says if Attack on Kavanaugh Accuser Was ‘as Bad as She Says,’ Charges Would Have Been Filed
–– ‘This just sounds like a Miss Universe fully-clothed grope.’

Mazie Hirono: Kavanaugh accuser is hesitating to testify because she's afraid of a GOP 'railroad job'
–– Party already off rails.

Voter on Kavanaugh: What teen hasn't done this?
–– She grow up in 80s teen sex comedy?

Conservative activist Ed Whelan apologizes for insinuating a Kavanaugh doppelgänger assaulted Ford
–– Twin bad.

Donald Trump Jr. Posts Meme Mocking Woman Accusing Brett Kavanaugh Of Sexual Assault
–– Tweetle dumb.

How Don Jr. became the President's most vocal defender
–– Other rats scurried.

Impeaching President Trump Would Cost Millions
–– A deal at any price.

Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star placed behind bars by repeat offender
–– For repeat offender.

Ex-Trump lawyer Cohen boasts of aiding Mueller investigation
–– Canary crows.

White House sanctions quicker response to foreign cyber attacks
–– By 400 lb. guys on bed.

87 days of smog: Southern California just saw its longest streak of bad air in decades
–– Better than botox for hiding wrinkles.

Great white shark lair found in Pacific Ocean
–– Were renting from Stromberg in The Spy Who Loved Me.

Michelle Obama’s Big Book Trip: ‘It’s Like You’re Looking at a Madonna Tour’
–– Minus bullet bras, hopefully.

Browns fan catches opossum inside FirstEnergy Stadium during game against Jets
–– Takes to end zone.

China just blocked Amazon's streaming service Twitch
–– Twitch we agree.

World’s oldest known animal identified after decades-long mystery
–– Larry King hiding in plain sight.

Downton Abbey Is Back! See Maggie Smith in Action in First Look at Movie Adaptation
–– She takes down two attackers with knitting needle, brolly.

Jordan Peele will host CBS All Access’ ‘Twilight Zone’ reboot
–– Get out!

Alibaba’s Jack Ma says U.S.-China trade war ends 1 million U.S. jobs promise - Xinhua
–– Top of the world, Ma!

Woman called a 'crazy b****' on a receipt for ordering a burger without cheese
–– And?

Texas great-grandmother shoots and kills alligator because she claims it ate her miniature horse
–– And Hummels she gave rides on it.

Lime is pissed at San Francisco for denying it an e-scooter permit, claims 'unlawful bias'
–– Sourpusses.

I Bought an Olive Garden Unlimited Pasta Pass and It’s Going to Save Me $10,000. Here’s My Master Plan
–– Not counting $12,000 in gastric surgery.

Trump rips Sessions: 'I don't have an attorney general'
–– While looking into coat pocket.

Julie Chen Moonves to Remain CBS ‘Big Brother’ Host
–– Les to host Airbnb.

DC to Censor Full Frontal Nudity In Future 'Batman: Damned' Printings
–– Makes boy wonder.

Waka Flocka Flame Rips Reported Maroon 5 Halftime Show, Talks Colin Kaepernick
–– Flame burn.

3D-Printed Gun Promoter Cody Wilson Charged With Sexual Assault of Child
–– Depraved Degenerate Douche.

New York Review of Books Editor Is Out Amid Uproar Over #MeToo Essay
–– Sweeps Buruma.

Poland, Making a Play for a U.S. Military Base, Offers to Call It Fort Trump
–– Another bad taste Polish joke.

Lagoons of Pig Waste Are Overflowing After Florence. Yes, That’s as Nasty as It Sounds.
–– Go with the Flo.

Trump asked NC officials about spot where he has a golf course
–– All water hazard now.

Donald Trump Tells Hurricane Florence Survivor, ‘At Least You Got a Nice Boat Out of the Deal'
–– Scraping bottom.

Trump calls Florence 'one of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water'
–– From standpoint of fire not so much.

Are Airlines Sure We Can Flee Planes Fast? Fat Chance
–– You mean tubbos block aisle?

Huge spelling mistake on Cathay Pacific plane
–– Be speciic.

Stormy Daniels shares XXX-rated details of her alleged affair with Trump in new book
–– In case you’ve run out of Ipecac.

Report: President Has Mushroom Dick 
–– To match other swelled head.

Is it acceptable to laugh at Donald Trump’s mushroom?
–– Stalk of the town.

Are Bert and Ernie Gay? ‘Sesame Street’ Writer Says His Comments Were Misinterpreted
–– Are non-bipedal, Cisesamegender.

Expose Steve Bannon for what he is
–– God no, don’t open the trench coat!

Captain Cook's ship Endeavour may have been found off the US coast
–– On Cook’s tour.

7 injured after camel gets spooked at circus
–– One dump or two?

Cruz: 'if Beto wins, BBQ will be illegal'
–– Just ribbing.

Woody Allen says he 'wouldn't bet his life' on Ronan Farrow being his son
–– Remembers ol’ blue lies.

Peter Thiel's argument that Silicon Valley has been 'brainwashed' by higher education is tired
–– Higher ed's been brainbashed by Silicon Valley.

Flynn ready to be sentenced in Russia probe, his lawyer and special counsel tell court
–– Will be in like Flynn.

Artist says he hung Putin portrait in Trump Hotel suite in D.C., where it remained until he retrieved it a month later
–– Not unusual to have painting of founder.

Trump administration slashes refugee admissions cap to record low
–– Fools cap.

Syria accidentally shot down a Russian military plane
–– Assad day for troops.

Trump-proof aspects of Manafort deal rankle lawyers
–– Must be wearing some kind of protection.

Emmys: Colin Jost, Michael Che, Guest Stars Tackle Diversity in Opener
–– More like sack it.

Inside Cote, the NYC steakhouse redefining omakase
–– How about just define it.

Typhoon Mangkhut: Hong Kong in tatters; China evacuates millions
–– Ones who remain evacuate selves.

Caver sues Elon Musk for defamation
–– Pedo files.

Tesla’s Biggest Problem Isn’t Elon Musk
–– Then they’re totally screwed.

Bryan Singer in Talks to Direct 'Red Sonja' for Millennium (Exclusive)

Tom Arnold and Mark Burnett Scuffled at Pre-Emmys Party
–– We're pleased at punch.

Sean Penn Says Spirit of #MeToo Movement Is to ‘Divide Men and Women’
–– Opposites detract.

Asia Argento demands that Rose McGowan retract statement
–– Because everyone believes Rose McGowan.

The keto craze is hitting the mainstream
–– Green Hornet not so much.

Yet Another Worrisome Subway Statistic: More People Are Going on the Tracks
–– To retrieve pizza slices from rats.

Peter Donat, Actor Who Played a Panoply of Roles, Dead at 90
–– Buried in Donat hole.

Reversing Course, Chris Collins Will Seek 4th House Term Despite Indictment
–– Big House of Representaives.

Soon-Yi Previn Defends Woody Allen and Accuses Mia Farrow of Abuse
–– Mia culpa.

Coke could make a move into cannabis-infused drinks
–– Well, cocaine’s in its name.

Corona owner makes $4 billion bet on cannabis
–– You smoke with lime wedge.

Knausgaard: Who Is the ‘Me’ in ‘My Struggle’?
–– Kampfidentially?

Bloomberg May Run for President as a Democrat. His Views on Policing and #MeToo Could Be a Problem.
–– Mike drop in primaries?

Japanese submarine conducts first drills in South China Sea
–– Disguised as giant sushi roll.

BBC Reportedly Won't Air Princess Eugenie's Wedding
–– Keep Eugenie in bottle.

Justin Bieber ‘applying for US citizenship’ before marrying American model Hailey Baldwin
–– Build the wall!

Rep. Maxine Waters: Trump is a liar, a con man, and deceitful
–– They're like poil and Waters.

Trump doubles down on trade war with China and warns: 'If countries will not make fair deals with us, they will be "Tariffed!"'
–– "Tariffic!!"

Billionaire Marc Benioff's $190 million deal for Time could drag tech deeper into Trump's firing line
–– Needs Time out.

We’ve Been Pronouncing Chrissy Teigen's Name Wrong This Whole Time
–– Tee–dee-us?

Ocasio-Cortez: Medicare for All not just 'pie in the sky'
–– ‘In your eye?’

Ken Starr: Manafort plea means 'we're much closer to getting the truth'
–– Says Starr fucker.

Trump’s relationship with Mattis is said to be strained, but the White House denies
–– Through sieve that is brain.

Chelsea Clinton takes on trolls accusing her of worshipping Satan because she's pro abortion rights
–– Rosemary's baby retweets.

John Kerry Tears Into Trump With '8-Year-Old Boy' And 'Teenage Girl' Taunts
–– Underaged dinking.

Trump Says Democrats Are Playing GOP 'Like A Fiddle' On Border Wall
–– ‘Like a Mexican Jew on the roof.’

Michael Moore Thinks Donald Trump Or 'One Of His Minions' Wrote Anonymous NYT Op-Ed
–– One-eyed one with spectacle.

GOP Donor Les Wexner Announces Departure From Republican Party After Obama Visit
–– Wexner and waning.

Texas Board Votes To Cut Hillary Clinton, Helen Keller From History Courses
–– Board deaf, dumb, blind.

Shark attack victim was engineering student, outdoorsman
–– Real chum.

Mysterious 'security issue' forces a solar observatory to be evacuated
–– Rays a ruckus.

Has China's most famous actress been disappeared by the Communist Party?
–– No fan of Bingbing.

Week of 09/14/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Paul Manafort breaks
–– Wind.

Paul Manafort to Plead Guilty to Reduced Charges in Deal with Prosecutors
–– Manaffront.

Woman Alleges Brett Kavanaugh Attempted To Rape Her In High School
–– Not Lady Justice.

Brett Kavanaugh wants to do away with legal abortion. He told us so.
–– We used Gobbledygook to English translation software.

Does Brett Kavanaugh have a gambling problem? Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse wants to know
–– Senators who vote for him sure do.

Pompeo blasts Kerry's Iran meetings as 'beyond inappropriate'
–– So ‘beyond Trump’?

4,000-year-old Egyptian Tomb of Mehu opens to the public for the first time
–– Can't keep mummy under wraps.

Nike’s Colin Kaepernick gamble is already paying off
–– As moral stances always should.

McRaven resigned from Pentagon board days after criticizing Trump
–– No McRaven lunatic.

Clarence Thomas takes jab at Cory Booker over 'Spartacus' comment
–– Quips to Federalist Society, ‘he’s more a Long Dong Silver, amirite?’

Henri Bendel is closing after 123 years in business
–– Didn't come through in clutch.

Red Sox fan taken to hospital after being struck by errant bat at Fenway Park
–– Had been sleeping in rafters.

‘Designing Women’ Revival Lands At ABC
–– Reviving some original cast members will be trickier.

Trump signs order to enable sanctions for U.S. election meddling
–– Aides got him to sign by saying he could use against Mueller.

Trump Plans To Pay Millions To Mexico So It'll Deport Undocumented Immigrants
–– But they’ll pay for wallet.

Former EPA Chief Scott Pruitt May Soon Have A New Gig. With The Coal Industry.
–– Same job, new title.

Coal is still king in 18 US states. But for how long?
–– Until Trump insists they swear allegiance to him.

Willie Nelson attacked by fans online over upcoming Beto O'Rourke rally appearance in Austin
–– What were they smoking?

Cardinal Who Met With Pope About Sex Abuse Scandal Accused of Mismanaging Priest
–– Couldn’t get him off?

The Secret to Cracking Trump’s Base
–– Crack, free-base.

The Wall Street Power Lunch Is Back, With Martinis and Impunity
–– Helps dull pain of fucking over poor people.

Top Cancer Researcher Fails to Disclose Corporate Financial Ties in Major Research Journals
–– Cashed in on growth industry.

‘You’ve set back the Jewish contribution’: Stephen Miller’s former rabbi issues fiery rebuke on Rosh Hashanah
–– Direct from Shondaland.

Norm Macdonald Apologizes for "Down Syndrome" Remark, Tries to Clarify Roseanne Barr, Louis C.K. Comments
–– ‘Sorry I was such a retard.’

Build-A-Bear CEO sorry for botched Pay Your Age event
–– Knocked stuffing out of customers.

David Hockney painting poised to smash auction records
–– Not 'Portrait of an Artist (Pool with Two Figures)' to make big splash?'

U.S. Has Highest Share of Foreign-Born Since 1910, With More Coming From Asia
–– Trump demands China double height of Great Wall.

Burt Reynolds' Death Certificate Confirms Actor Was Cremated
–– Smoky and abandoned.

Trump is admitting a record-low number of refugees
–– Well, at least he’s admitting something.

Vet Reveals What Happens in a Dying Pet's Final Moments, Breaks Hearts Around the World
–– Vomit, gassy discharge.

Ex-Trump Org. Executive: Trump surrounded by 'cowardly people'
–– ‘Like me.’

Donald Trump Sparks Backlash for Doing a Double Fist Pump as He Arrives at 9/11 Memorial Service
–– ‘I was respectful…one for each tower.’

Here’s Why Yum China Holdings Inc. Stock Fell 12.5% Today
–– Investors’ bad taste.

Karlie Kloss Lost Modeling Jobs After Going on Birth Control: 'My Body Became More Womanly'
–– Was graded on curves.

Hurricane Florence's tropical storm-force winds begin lashing North Carolina, life-threatening storm surge and rain predicted
–– TV meteorologists doing rain dance.

Weatherman accused of dramatizing conditions
–– Blow up.

Donald Trump Pounds San Juan Mayor To Assure Carolinians He’s Ready For Hurricane Florence
–– Only thing eroded: his credibility.

Trump skewered after calling Hurricane Florence 'tremendously big and tremendously wet'
–– ‘Like that kiss on Putin’s keister.’

Trump falsely claims nearly 3,000 Americans in Puerto Rico 'did not die'
–– ‘Don’t those people practice voodoo? I hear most of them were brought back.’

Donald Trump's hurricane tweets show he can always go lower
–– Readings well below record 870 hPa.

20,000 pallets of bottled water left untouched in storm-ravaged Puerto Rico
–– Unpalletible.

Paul Ryan On Massive Hurricane Maria Death Toll: 'Casualties Don't Make A Person Look Bad'
–– And denying them?

Deviating from McCain, Sen. Graham goes all in on Team Trump
–– Past elbow.

Toronto: Jim Acosta Says Donald Trump Is a "Marketing Genius"
–– Sadly product is him.

Pope Francis Summons World’s Bishops to Meet on Sexual Abuse
–– Originally scheduled for Bangkok.

The Joke Prince Charles Made After Prince Harry's Birth That Broke Princess Diana's Heart
–– 'He looks like you.'

Eric Trump Accused Of Anti-Semitism For Bob Woodward 'Shekels' Criticism
–– Eric: 'Not racist? Aren't shekels what slaves were in?'

Donald Trump Jr says not worried about going to jail: report
–– Expects family to keep him company.

Madonna’s Daughter Lourdes Leon, 21, Walks in NYFW Wearing Risqué Seashell Bra and Unshaven Legs
–– Legs slung around neck.

F.D.A. Cracks Down on Juul and E-Cigarette Retailers
–– Warns no lighter sentences.

Bob Woodward's 'Fear' is the fastest selling book since 'Go Set a Watchman'
–– A sort of sequel to To Kill a Mocking Turd.

Jamie Dimon says he could beat Trump in an election, then retreats
–– Chased.

’60 Minutes' producer Jeff Fager leaving CBS amid allegations of inappropriate conduct
–– Ticked off.

The Recovery Threw the Middle-Class Dream Under a Benz
–– Parked next to bus filled with poor people.

In Texas, Ted Cruz Has ‘a Dogfight on His Hands,’ Some Republicans Admit
–– Appropriate for mutt.

Brad Peacock Diagnosed with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease
–– And tail.

‘Jeopardy!’ host debuts new beard
–– Replaces old wife?

Billie Jean King: Serena was 'out of line,' but umpire 'blew it'
–– Good people on both sides.

Report: Pharma exec says he had 'moral requirement' to raise drug price 400%
–– Speaking through dog God told him to.

Trump: "We are totally prepared" for Hurricane Florence
–– ‘We will be on bedroom bed watching coverage on Fox with bagful of Mcdonalds.’

He plans to hunker down during the storm with his pet parrot
–– Who’s been practicing safe word.

‘Don’t use birth control,' Tanzania's President tells women in the country
–– 'Because I want to screw you over.'

Trump Falsely Claims G.D.P. Growth Is Higher Than Unemployment ‘for the First Time in 100 Years’
–– 'Calculated in dog years.'

Trump adviser concedes GDP tweet was false
–– But intention to mislead was honest.

Oscar De La Hoya Says He's 'Very, Very Serious' About Running for President
–– Will run on the left, left, right, left.

Alex Rodriguez Works at Wahlburgers After Losing Yankees/Red Sox Bet
–– Called in Marky Mark.

Rep. Mia Love's campaign admits to improperly raising primary election funds
–– For the Love of money!

Why You Should Stop Yelling at Your Kids
–– And start in on parenting experts.

Anthony Bourdain honored with posthumous Emmy awards
–– Confirming wisdom of career move.

NYT: Mulvaney says GOP candidates like Cruz not 'likable' enough, could lose
–– Worms wouldn’t eat his corpse.

Pence: Disappointing to see Obama break with tradition
–– After Trump left it bleeding in gutter.

Olivia Munn 'shunned' by co-stars and director of 'The Predator' after sex offender scandal
–– Barren von Munn shun hosin’.

Director Shane Black gets emotional discussing Olivia Munn 'Predator' controversy: I 'caused pain to the cast and that's not acceptable'
–– Unrepentant about movie.

Cryptocurrency wipeout deepens to $640 billion as Ether leads declines
–– Investors tried Oxycontin, but took too long to ease pain.

Kim Jong Un tells Chinese envoy North Korea is upholding U.S. nuclear deal
–– Asks what else he wants to hear.

Cardi B Exits Bash ‘Barefoot with Her Dress Ripped and Butt Out’ After Nicki Minaj Fight: Source
–– Undercardi bout.

Let Jordan Barrett, Fashion's Newest It Photographer, Take You Inside Frame Denim's Model-Filled New York Fashion Week Dinner
–– No.

‘It’s the dumbest experiment in human history': Elon Musk rails against fossil fuel use and climate change (TSLA)
–– ‘Dude, we need to burn clean Kush, not coal.’

Blue bird from 'Rio' movie now extinct in the wild
–– Can only be found on digital formats.

Cuomo distances himself from, criticizes NY Dems' mailer targeting Nixon as unsupportive to Jewish community
–– After vowing to Semite enemy.

Trump ups ante on China, threatens duties on nearly all its imports
–– And doodies on trade agreements.

Barack Obama once got booted from Disneyland for smoking with his friends
–– Got Dopey.

Erdogan Says Turkey Won't Watch Killings in Idlib From Sidelines
–– Tosses jug of Gatorade, cries, ‘Put me in, coach!’

Donald Trump Blames NFL Ratings Drop On Protests; Omarosa Says He’s “Poking & Prodding” African Americans
–– Remember Ben Carson’s only one in reach.

Mike Pence: I Would Take A Lie Detector Test About Anonymous NYT Op-Ed 'In A Heartbeat'
–– ‘If I had a pulse.’

Sweden is starting to talk about leaving the EU — here's what a 'Swexit' might look like
–– Brexit for smaller meatballs.

There’s nothing wrong with Meghan's pet name for Harry - it's certainly better than what the Dutch call each other
–– Cloggiepoo.

Watergate’s Woodward says Times Trump op-ed not up to his standards
–– Anon. starter.

The Netflix Executives Who Bent Comedy to Their Will
–– Doubled over in pain.

‘The Nun’ Streaks Past Expectations to Collect Nearly $54 Million
–– Out of habit.

To Restore Civil Society, Start With the Library
–– Check it out.

C.I.A. Drone Mission, Curtailed by Obama, Is Expanded in Africa Under Trump
–– Droning Trump’s thing.

Les Moonves is out at CBS after harassment allegations, corporate battle
–– Les is unmoored.

Les Moonves, Longtime CBS Chief, Steps Down
–– Shoot the Moonves.

Leslie Moonves Breaks Silence on CBS Ouster: ‘Untrue Allegations … Are Not Consistent With Who I Am’
–– ‘I’m way worse.’

CBS’ Dilemma: What About Julie Chen’s Two Shows In Its Post-Moonves Era?
–– Which to unceremoniously dump her from first?

‘Designing Women’ Creator Says Les Moonves Sidelined Her Career for 7 Years: ‘Go F– Yourself’
–– If he had taken advice, might still have job.

Julie Chen Supports Husband Les Moonves in Her Return to Big Brother: 'I'm Julie Chen Moonves'
–– Stand by your man-thing.

Serena Williams is calling out sexism in tennis. Here's why.
–– She’s female, was losing.

Sen. Ben Sasse: I think about leaving the GOP 'every morning'
–– ‘Before that first hit of smack.’

Bill Daily, witty sidekick on 'I Dream of Jeannie,' dies at 91
–– Bottled up.

‘Plaid shirt guy' removed from Trump rally
–– Replaced by hyena.

Government erred in claiming accused Russian spy Maria Butina offered to trade sex for political access
–– Near-sighted agent mistook coffin for eggplant emoji.

US officials secretly met with Venezuelan military officers plotting a coup against Maduro
–– Scheme was totally Caracas.

Week of 09/07/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Administration
–– Free dumb fighters.

The cowardice of the 'Sheep Throat' op-ed
–– Ewe gotta be kidding.

How dare a senior Trump official arrogantly subvert an elected President
–– Who's arrogantly subverting Presidency.

Trump Calls Scathing New York Times Op-Ed ‘Gutless’
–– Or 'brainless' blasts 'nameless'.

It Wasn’t Me: Pence, Pompeo and a Parade of Administration Officials Deny Writing Op-Ed
–– Riding giant chicken float.

Trump on New York Times op-ed: 'You could call it treason'
–– 'If you were me.'

Trump Wants Attorney General to Investigate Source of Anonymous Times Op-Ed
–– Already have motive for crime: him.

'You Are Not Protecting This Country.' Melania Trump Responds to New York Times Anonymous Op-Ed
–– ‘He’s still President.’

Donald Trump tries and fails to pronounce 'anonymous' during campaign rally speech
–– 'Anonymous' botch.

NYT: White House eyes 12 potential authors behind anonymous op-ed
–– The female ones lasciviously.

Giuliani says ‘diaper’ anecdote in Woodward book didn’t happen, tells his side of the story
–– He’s all wet.

Dan Rather: We're in chaos, deep and dark
–– We’ll just assume that's not royal we.

Amazon poaches Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn for new fashion series
–– Project runaway.

Author of romance novel 'The Wrong Husband' charged with murdering her own
–– Authorities have 'The Right Wife'.

Wife Accused of Poisoning Husband With Eye Drops Shot Him With Crossbow in 2016: Officials
–– Visine gets dead out.

Hannity Guest: Science Proves Trump Is The 'Most Sound-Minded' President Ever
–– After consulting audiologist.

Trump Speculates About His Impeachment During Rally: 'If It Does Happen, It's Your Fault'
–– Was he in own audience?

Jared Kushner's Awkward Wait Outside A Locked Door Becomes Perfect 'Veep' Spoof
–– Cooling heel.

5 reasons why you shouldn’t be surprised Elon Musk smoked weed
–– 4) He's so musky.

Peter Dinklage Finally Explains Why Tyrion Was Creeping On Daenerys And Jon Snow Having Sex On 'Game Of Thrones'
–– Had them by short heir.

Obama Lashes Trump in Debut 2018 Speech. President’s Response: ‘I Fell Asleep.’
–– Exhausted from hate-tweeting predecessor.

A ‘Faustian Bargain’: Republicans May Wince, but the Payoffs From Trump Have Been Rich
–– Who the Devil?

Bolton warns Russia over election interference, denies Trump is a 'security risk'
–– Ominously twirls mustache.

National Park Service edited inauguration photos after Trump, Spicer calls
–– Mall rat.

Papadopoulos says Sessions supported Putin campaign meeting, asks for most lenient sentence
–– On blockchain gang.

George Papadopoulos gets 14 days in prison
–– Punishment too weak.

Papadopoulos breaks silence, 'can't guarantee' he didn't tell Trump campaign about Russian dirt
–– 15 days in slammer would've made him talk.

Doctor diagnoses woman in 'Mona Lisa'
–– The da Vinci cold sore.

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop to pay for making unsubstantiated claims about vaginal Jade eggs
–– And making erroneous insertions.

Ivanka Trump Meets with Kim Kardashian West to Discuss Prison Reform
–– Before hubbies are sent away.

Ivanka Trump Reportedly Got Into a Screaming Match With Steve Bannon Over Her White House Title
–– 'Her Royal Highness' or 'Miss Thang'.

Report That Prince Charles Has Strained Relationship with Sons a 'Total Fabrication': Palace Source
–– Charles: ‘Don’t believe the little bastards.’

Eight-year-old model from Texas makes her runway debut at New York Fashion Week
–– Mom, dad automatically nominated for Parents of Year.

Former USA Gymnastics trainer who worked with Larry Nassar arrested; she's accused of sexual assault of a child
–– Learned from the monster.

Twitter bans Alex Jones and InfoWars
–– Jones bitch.

Rubio to InfoWars' Alex Jones: 'Don't touch me'
–– Marco YOLO.

Elizabeth Warren: Time to use 25th Amendment to remove Trump from office
–– Impeaches and cream.

Amway co-founder Richard DeVos dies at 92
–– Am away.

Fox Deletes Scene From ‘The Predator’ With Registered Sex Offender
–– Which is tad ironic.

Burt Reynolds, "Smokey and the Bandit" star, dead at 82
–– Burnt Reynolds.

Ryan Reynolds' Twitter tribute to Burt Reynolds is as perfect as you'd expect
–– Deadpoo.

About That Time Burt Reynolds Accidentally Snubbed Greta Garbo
–– Swede nothings.

In ‘Fear,’ Bob Woodward Pulls Back the Curtain on President Trump’s ‘Crazytown’
–– Trump also made self mayor of McDonaldland.

Bob Woodward: Trump thought Charlottesville cleanup 'biggest f---ing mistake I've made’
–– ‘Stormy level!’

Omarosa Says "Woodward's Book Will be a Great Complement to Mine"
–– But no compliment.

Bob Woodward’s new book reveals a ‘nervous breakdown’ of Trump’s presidency
–– And country.

Trump: 'I’m the Ernest Hemingway of 140 characters'
–– For whom the bull tolls.

Book states Trump claims to be Hemingway of Twitter
–– Mariel?

‘I Don’t Talk’ That Way, Trump Says. Except When He Does.
–– ‘That was John Barron, I swear it!’

Scaramucci: Maybe it's all true. So, what?
–– Mooch ado about nothing?

Roy Moore Sues Sacha Baron Cohen for $95 Million
–– Aww, did he feel abused?

Steve Bannon Slips in Quietly to Venice Premiere of ‘American Dharma’
–– More oozes.

Man intentionally rams truck into Dallas TV news station, police say
–– Ram tough.

Trump warns Assad against assault, denies wanting to assassinate him
–– Checks with Putin to see if he got that straight.

Cyborg roaches may help in a disaster
–– When you smoke using eClips.

Brett Kavanaugh proves the Supreme Court swing vote is dead
–– Replaced with Big Band.

Brett Kavanaugh Just Called Birth Control “Abortion-Inducing Drugs”
–– And wire hangers "abortion instruments."

Piper Perabo Arrested While Protesting At Brett Kavanaugh SCOTUS Confirmation Hearing
–– She pays piper.

Media outlets celebrate Cory Booker's 'Spartacus' moment hours after it was proven to be inaccurate
–– Now hoping to cover Twitter crucifixion.

Siemens warns of dangers of xenophobia after violent protests in Germany
–– Simple, Siemens.

Zac Posen 'didn't know' Stormy Daniels would wear his dress in 'Vogue'
–– Just asks she dry-cleans before returning.

Megyn Kelly Says Ronan Farrow Had Rose McGowan on the Record, Contradicting Andy Lack’s Memo
–– Alas and a Lack.

This Tiger Woods doppelgänger totally upstaged the real Tiger at a golf tournament
–– Tiger wuss.

That hole in the International Space Station was caused by a drill, not a meteorite, and the search is on for the culprit
–– Astronaut blames Xenomorph.

Former Apple software engineer describes demoing for Steve Jobs, and it doesn’t sound fun
–– More like demolition.

Trump Threatens NBC’s License Over ‘Highly Unethical Conduct’ on Spiked Harvey Weinstein Story
–– If they made him pay too much to catch and kill story.

Nicki Minaj would like sex from her male partners three times a night, please
–– Minaj a trois.

Blowback at Nike over Colin Kaepernick deal starts with people lighting their own stuff on fire
–– As long as they were still wearing.

Tucker Carlson Calls Colin Kaepernick's Nike Ad An 'Attack' On America
–– Did he take knee to head?

Man ridiculed for cutting Nike logo off socks in protest at Colin Kaepernick, as conservatives rage
–– Ankles brand.

Missouri college drops Nike over Kaepernick ad
–– Show me state of confusion.

Oil demand to hit 100 mln bpd sooner than projected: OPEC's Barkindo
–– Totally made up figure a week early.

Photo of make-up free Meghan Markle watching TV with her goddaughter unearthed on Instagram
–– Greatest find since glyph of Nefertiti, niece playing Senet.

Andrew Cuomo Is the Democrats’ Best Choice for Governor
–– Deny Miranda rights.

Airport security trays carry more germs than toilets, study reveals
–– So feel free to relieve self on line.

Bishop Apologizes to Ariana Grande for ‘Too Friendly’ Grope During Aretha Franklin Funeral
–– Offers to try out 'just right' grope next time.

Ariana Grande reminds us women have no safe place in America
–– Nor do our ears.

Exclusive: Government transparency site revealed Social Security numbers, other personal info
–– All sensitive material protected with Saran wrap.

The New Yorker uninvites Steve Bannon from its festival after backlash
–– Had enough cartoons this month.

Steve Guttenberg Says New 'Police Academy' Movie is Coming
–– You’ve been warned.

Shohei Ohtani 1st Player Since Babe Ruth to Pitch 50 Innings and Hit 15 Homers
–– 100 cases of beer record still safe.

Trump touts Puerto Rico response as 'fantastic' despite nearly 3,000 dead
–– In ‘remote from reality’ sense.

In GOP, Trump bump has become a tsunami
–– In aptly fucked-up metaphor.

‘People are afraid': Gay caning stokes fear in Malaysia's LGBT community
–– And strokes.

U2 Abruptly End Berlin Show After Bono Suffers ‘Complete Loss of Voice’
–– In latest humanitarian act.

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds Pianist Conway Savage Dead at 58
–– Planted.

Study finds ‘hot spots’ where surge of parents are not vaccinating children
–– aka ‘shot spots’.

China’s Xi offers another $60 billion to Africa, but says no to 'vanity' projects
–– In bathrooms.

Former MI6 officer 'encouraged Russian oligarch to give evidence against Trump campaign'
–– Or 'did job.'

Mollie Tibbetts' Father Wrote a Scathing Rebuke to Everyone Who Wants to Politicize His Daughter's Murder
–– Political rapists not listening.

It’s Not Just Robert Mueller. President Donald Trump Faces Six Separate Investigations And Lawsuits.
–– Keeps setting records.

President Donald Trump goes after AFL-CIO head Richard Trumka on Labor Day
–– ‘He stole my name and made it sound commie.'

CNN Pulls ‘Parts Unknown’ Episodes Featuring Asia Argento
–– Tug job.

Roseanne Barr sounds off on 'The Conners,' says losing show was like 'a death'
–– You mean suicide, right?

Roseanne Barr Says She's Moving to Israel When 'The Conners' Airs
–– Roseanne barf.

Myanmar: Reuters journalists investigating Rohingya killings sentenced to 7 years in prison
–– Put on back Burma.

Trump issues 4-word reply after criticism at McCain, Franklin funerals
–– 'Good riddance bad rubbish.'

Microwave Weapons Are Prime Suspect in Ills of U.S. Embassy Workers
–– Who insist on drying hair in them.

Did George W. Bush Just Sneak Michelle Obama A Piece Of Candy At McCain’s Funeral?
–– During Lieberman eulogy: was it meth tab?

Washington Mourned John McCain. President Trump Played Golf.
–– Got hole in one head.

Obama Asks Americans To Rise Above ‘Petty Politics’ During John McCain Eulogy
–– For more than duration of speech.

How the once-proud Kenmore brand ended up on the scrap heap
–– Sears sucker.

Racist robocall targets Andrew Gillum in Florida governor's race
–– Set on screed dial.

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