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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
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Week of 06/29/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Says Justice Kennedy Retired Because ‘He Felt Confident In Me'
–– Proving judgment stinks.

What’s killing Big American Beer?
–– Drinkers older, but wiser.

Kennedy's departure puts abortion, gay rights in play at high court
–– Grand slam for conservatives.

Justice Stevens: Roe Will Be Overturned if Kennedy Retires
–– You're only 98, Justice Stevens –– come back!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Is Going to Miss Justice Kennedy And His Art Exhibition Recommendations
–– And discussions of denture creams.

Justice Kennedy’s Retirement Is A Setback For Death Row Inmates
–– In latest slang for American public.

Did Anthony Kennedy’s son loan Donald Trump $1 billion?
–– Court red-handed.

The United Nations Rejected President Trump's Pick for a Migration Group
–– Was ‘for the birds.’

U.N. Cases Read Like ‘Manual in How Not to Investigate’ Sexual Assault
–– Trump: ‘Maybe UN does have something to teach us.’

Cruz to IL-3 voters: Don't vote for the 'avowed Nazi' running as a Republican
–– Isn't it early to be talking 2020 Presidential race?

A white woman allegedly hit a black teen, used racial slurs and told him to leave a pool. Then she bit a cop
–– Check him for rabies.

Death in a Hollywood Sex Dungeon: How a Top Agency Executive's "Mummification" Ritual Ended in Tragedy
–– That’s a wrap.

Harlan Ellison, Intensely Prolific Science Fiction Writer, Dies at 84
–– Intensely prolific ≠ good.

'Downton Abbey' creator has an issue with 'The Crown'
–– Strange bad Fellowes.

The Stars of 'Coming to America': Where Are They Now?
–– America?

Scott Pruitt Personally Involved in ‘Ratf*cking’ Ex-Aides Who He Feels Betrayed Him
–– As long as he keeps it in species

Air pollution linked to 3.2 million new diabetes cases in one year
–– Brags Scott Pruitt.

Justice Department Charges 601 Defendants for Health Care Fraud and Opioid Epidemic-Related Schemes
–– Please don't make us have to praise Jeff Sessions.

Man ejected as car slams into toll booth
–– QuE-ZPass.

‘Shaken’ Rosenstein Felt Used by White House in Comey Firing
–– Spare the Rob, spoil the riled.

FBI's Strzok 'smug' and 'defiant' in House interview, but regrets sending anti-Trump texts
–– Should've been 'disbelieving', 'contemptuous'.

Critic’s Notebook: Halfway Through 2018, Slim Studio Pickings and Precious Few Indie Gems
–– Nearly fifth-of-the-way through century, ditto.

Pelosi on Crowley loss: 'I am female. I am progressive. What's your problem?'
–– It's competence part.

Jon Stewart Tells Donald Trump To Knock Off The “Gratuitous Dickishness” On Stephen Colbert’s ‘Late Show’
–– Hey, we pay dearly for his dickishness.

Trump: When will Clinton get over 2016 election?
–– Same as every American alive today: never.

Associated Press may have led FBI to Manafort storage locker
–– And reviewing of Silence of the Lambs.

‘Leave My Husband Alone’: Elaine Chao Confronts Immigration Protesters
–– While McConnell retreated into shell.

McConnell 'loved it' when Elaine Chao confronted protesters: 'I've got one tough wife'
–– ‘Ah call her Tiger Mom, she calls me Mac Daddy.'

‘Don’t Wait to Feel a Tingle in Your Spine.’ Barack Obama Scolds Democrats About the Importance of Voting
–– ‘That’s just Trump pissing down your back.’.

Capital Gazette Reporter To Trump: 'I Couldn't Give A F**k' About Your Prayers
–– Beelzebub's feelings hurt.

Maryland shooting: NRA spokeswoman Dana Loesch said journalists 'need to be curb-stomped', in resurfaced footage
–– Driving home point that curbs kill people, too.

Trump: 'Journalists, like all Americans, should be free from the fear of being violently attacked'
–– 'Attacked, yes –– violently, not so much.'

'The Wire' Creator David Simon Lays Partial Blame for Newspaper Shooting on Trump's Hateful Rhetoric
–– Press charges.

Marco Rubio: Anti-Trump Republicans Would Rather Side With POTUS Than ‘Media That Never Cuts Him a Break’
–– ‘Like when the Berlin Tageblatt was so hard on Hitler.'

Sean Hannity Blames Maxine Waters, Obama for Newspaper Shooting
–– His usual suspects.

Condemning Deadly Newsroom Shooting, Trump Tempers Hostility Toward Media

Protesters confront Melania Trump with giant inflatable Donald Trump wearing a KKK robe
–– ‘Vy is he vearing his usual bathrobe?’

The NFL Is Suspending Jameis Winston For Three Games For Allegedly Groping An Uber Driver
–– Reached for gear box.

Chipotle CEO: It could take three years for new menu items to roll out nationally
–– Three minutes to roll out digestively.

Rep. calls out '4 horsemen of this apocalypse'
–– Famine sues Schiff for slander.

Mayor of a Pittsburgh suburb asked police to hose down protesters with water cannons
–– It was hot out.

El Chapo May Not Have Been Leader of Drug Cartel, Lawyers Say
–– May have been DEA mole seeking to destroy Sinaloa Cartel!

Makers of Chinese War Movie With Bruce Willis Deny Financial Wrongdoing
–– Admit aesthetic atrocity.

Serena Williams Recalls How Alexis Ohanian Had Her "Getting Hot" the First Time They Met
–– Lit cigar by rubbing $50K together.

Trump adviser sees having Putin summit as 'a deliverable'
–– Like Domino's ExtravanZZA pie.

In Meeting With Putin, Experts Fear Trump Will Give More Than He Gets
–– Already got White House.

Russian Singer Tied to Trump Collusion Scandal Trolls Everyone With ‘Pee Tape’ Music Video
–– Predicts golden record.

Trump attacks the US, takes Russia's side on 2016 election meddling while setting a meeting with Putin
–– Trump needs to re-up on contract.

Details of Trump, Putin summit are set, will be announced Thursday
–– In Penthouse Forum.

Trump: Russia doing 'a fantastic job' hosting 'exciting' World Cup
–– 'Not a single poisoning yet!'

Nicole Kidman says she's 'never texted' husband of 12 years Keith Urban: 'That is so not our relationship'
–– 'We took pledge of silence.'

Bill Clinton Defends Sarah Huckabee Sanders: I Have ‘a Lot of Respect’ for Her
–– 'Kinda like for Monica-as-humidor.'

Worker found dead in stadium cooler was Minnesota inventor
–– Working on cryogenic coffin?

North Korea understands U.S. on 'complete denuclearization': Pompeo
–– Just thinks it’s funny.

North Korea is 'upgrading its nuclear facility' despite denuclearisation pledge
–– Honoring tidyneculerisation pledge.

In historic upset, 28-year-old Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez unseats 4th ranking House Democrat Joe Crowley
–– 1 dope, Queens.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Says Trump Doesn’t Know ‘How to Deal With a Girl From the Bronx’
–– Unless she's cleaning his room.

Speeder caught driving 120 mph in a construction asks for a warning, gets something much worse
–– No-zone?

Melania Trump heads back toward US-Mexico border
–– I really don’t care, do u?

700 empty Toys 'R' Us stores. Who's going to fill them?
–– Immigrant kids?

Texas 'ice pick killer' executed with lethal injection wanted a firing squad or gas death
–– Stuck it to him.

Terry Crews Won’t Be in ‘Expendables 4,’ Citing Threat Over Groping Claim
–– Over bits part.

The W. Kamau Bell Legacy: A Talk Show Five Years Ahead of Its Time
–– And five past freshness date.

Bill Shine Likely as Next White House Communications Director
–– Move 'not too bright.'

Rare White Alligator Stolen During Fire That Killed 43 Reptiles, Officials Say
–– Snapped up.

Steve King doesn't want Somali Muslims to package pork in his district
–– In latest euphemism for latex glove hand job.

Judge denies Meek Mill a new trial -- despite the DA's office agreeing to one
–– If he’d just do a Kanye with Trump, he’d get pardon.

See Sessions joke about separating families
–– During hilarious routine on Nazi work camps.

Supreme Court deals blow to unions, rules against forced fees for government workers
–– Look for the union libel.

Mom shoots New Zealand man who flew to US to confront teen he met online
–– Catfish hunter.

Patricia Clarkson, Gillian Flynn on Looking Beyond the Darkness of ‘Sharp Objects’
–– Darkness of TV turned off.

A child fired a loaded gun he found in a couch at IKEA
–– After some assembly.

’Who Is This Stupid God?’ For His Latest Insult, Duterte Aims High
–– 'Who made son-of-a-bitch like me?'

Ron Perlman Did Something Unexpected Before Shaking Harvey Weinstein’s Hand: ‘I Pissed All Over My Hand’
–– Was his #1 fan.

Archie Bradley Recalls Time He Pooped Himself Before Pitching Inning for D-Backs
–– That wasn’t a spit ball.

Restaurant Bets You’ll Pay $180 for a Sandwich (Fries Included)
–– Dubbed Asshole Detector.

Dan Ingram, Irreverent Disc Jockey, Is Dead at 83
–– Spinning discs in grave.

CNN reporter heckled at rally featuring Trump
–– Jim accoster.

Nick Kyrgios Fined for Simulating Sex Act with a Water Bottle on Video
–– Spouting off.

FDA approves first cannabis-based drug
–– What were they smoking?

Harvard Is Wrong That Asians Have Terrible Personalities
–– Took electron microscope to detect any.

Why a felon could beat a US congressman in Tuesday's New York primary
–– It's Staten Island.

Trump calls for deportations without "judges or court cases"
–– Or thought.

Laura Ingalls Wilder's name has been stripped from a prestigious book award because of racist themes
–– Belittle House on the Prairie.

A family going for a swim grabs a pool noodle. Rattlesnakes were living inside, fire dept. says
–– Stone-cold soba.

Former first lady’s chief of staff: Melania Trump’s staff knew the jacket would ‘send a message’
–– Which no one would understand.

Mohammed bin Salman Has Thrown the Palestinians Under the Bus
–– Which they promptly blew up.

Virginia Postal Worker Leaves Adorable Note After Dogs Steal Her Lunch
–– Don’t pack kibbles.

Filmmaker David Lynch believes Trump could be one of greatest presidents in history
–– Frank Booth of Chief Executives.

Crew Gaines: The Meaning Behind Chip and Joanna's New Baby Boy's Name
–– Will put to work as soon as he can walk.

Restaurant bombarded with Yelp reviews after refusing to serve Sarah Huckabee Sanders
–– Red Hen pecked.

Red Hen eateries feel the heat after Sarah Sanders booted from Virginia restaurant with same name
–– Pecky pecky pecky.

Donald Trump Tweet-Bombs “Filthy” Red Hen Restaurant After Eatery Asks Sarah Huckabee Sanders To Leave
–– Pecker would.

Harley-Davidson will move some production out of US after retaliatory tariffs
–– Fees hog profits.

Sarah Sanders tweet about being kicked out of restaurant violates law, former White House ethics chief says
–– Administration only interested in ethnics violations.

Zsa Zsa, an English bulldog, wins World's Ugliest Dog Contest amid 'shower of slobber'
–– Gabor-r-ring!

Supreme Court won't take up case of florist who refused service for same-sex couple
–– What in carnation?!!

‘I’m riding the Trump wave. He's Christopher Columbus,' says Nevada pimp running for office
–– ‘Voters are natives awaiting slaughter.’

Trump’s Trade War Could Shut Cheesemakers Out of Foreign Markets
–– And they’re cheesed off.

Former Trump Aide Apologizes for ‘Cotton-Picking’ Remark to Black Guest on Fox News
–– Causes chains reaction.

Trump Attacks Jimmy Fallon for Hollywood Reporter Podcast "Hair Tussle" Comments: "Be a Man, Jimmy!"
–– In story so old it has hair.

Brigitte Nielsen Welcomes Newborn Daughter at Age 54
–– Hopes first word will be grama.

Cynthia Nixon Says Son Has Come Out as Transgender
–– Tricky dick.

Roseanne Barr Opens Up About ABC Firing in Tearful Interview: "I've Made Myself a Hate Magnet"
–– Always her most attractive quality.

’Game of Thrones' Co-Stars Kit Harrington and Rose Leslie Get Married
–– Guests checked daggers at door.

Laura Ingraham Is Under Madison Ave.’s Microscope Again
–– Like E. coli bacteria.

’Nobodies’ Canceled at TV Land/Paramount Network
–– ‘Everyone’s’ relieved.

Han Solo's 'Return of the Jedi' Blaster Sells for $550K at Auction
–– Estimates vary on what Princess Leia’s ‘Seeing Stars’ personal Blaster will snatch.

Tom Holland Reveals Next 'Spider-Man' Movie Is Called 'Far From Home'
–– On webcation?

I Sat on the Other Side of Stephen Miller’s First Wall
–– In Children of the Damned prequel.

Anti-Trump activists descend on Stephen Miller's neighborhood with 'WANTED' flyers targeting Trump adviser behind illegal immigration policy
–– Satan posts 'Help Wanted' flyer on his front door.

An island in Brazil has so many snakes that humans aren't allowed on it — and it's the stuff of nightmares
–– Or Stephen Miller fantasies.

Mexican officials are ready to stop helping the US fight terrorism and drug trafficking to get back at Trump
–– Will continue to take massive bribes.

Lydia Hearst Stands by Husband Chris Hardwick: ‘Nothing But Loving and Compassionate’
–– The truth Hearst.

Conservative Columnist George Will: Vote Against GOP In Midterms
–– Triumph of the Will.

Minnesota is 2018 in a nutshell for Republicans
–– Peanuts for elephants.

Seth Rogen reveals he refused a photo with Paul Ryan: 'No way, man'
–– 'Or was it Ryan Reynolds? I was way high.'

Week of 06/22/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump's Plan To Stop Family Separations Is To Detain Families Together
–– 'Family that strays together, stays together.'

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year
–– On 6th Ave., NYC.

Prepares Housing Up to 20,000 Migrants on Military Bases
–– Barracks will never be cleaner.

Jeff Sessions Says He Never 'Intended' To Separate Immigrant Families. That's A Lie.
–– Blames Ambien.

Kellyanne Conway doubles down on immigration agenda
–– ‘Why not tag them while in custody?’

Trump Sets Fate of Immigration Bill With a Tweet
–– Same as for immigrant kids.

Ann Coulter Smears Immigrant Children as ‘Child Actors’
–– In Dionisio the Menace.

Trump Aide Stephen Miller Describes Immigrant Child Separation Policy as 'Simple Decision'
–– For a sadist.

Protester yells ‘fascist’ at Stephen Miller dining in Mexican restaurant
–– While he enjoyed burrito con qeso y saliva.

Congressman who visited migrant detention center: We saw "a lot of kids in cages"
–– With Do Not Feed signs.

Majority oppose policy that causes family separation, but Republicans approve
–– Gross Old Party.

Sessions: Migrant children facilities not like Nazi Germany because 'they were keeping the Jews from leaving’
–– 'And we're tryin' to keep pests out, 'til they're in cages and then we keep 'em from leavin'. Totally different.'Politics

'They're Permanently Separated.' President Trump Compares People Killed by Undocumented Immigrants to Border Separations
–– 'Like me from reality.'

Time Magazine Corrects Cover Story on Crying Migrant Girl, Admits Family Was Never Separated
–– Was actually incarcerated with mom aka Happy Ending.

House Judiciary Committee Chairman Bob Goodlatte Subpoenas Peter Strzok
–– Vows to get to bottom of pronouncing 'suspicious-sounding name.'

Kathy Griffin and Stormy Daniels flip off Trump in photo
–– Getting him half-aroused.

Tom Arnold claims to have unreleased 'tapes' of Trump
–– Every word in headline should be in quotes.

White House donates steaks from cancelled congressional picnic to Walter Reed
–– After burning on grill.

Charles Krauthammer Dies at 68, 13 Days After He Announced He Had Just Weeks Left to Live
–– One of few times he got right in print.

Asia Argento Posts Sweet Photo of Anthony Bourdain Two Weeks After His Death
–– Does look a bit peaked.

Former Superman actor becomes police officer
–– Suspects better be faster than speeding bullet.

Bishop Michael Curry Thought Call to Preach at Royal Wedding Was a "Joke"
–– As he demonstrated.

’Billy Elliot’ Musical Branded Gay Propaganda in Hungary; Cancellations Follow
–– Pointeless criticism.

WaPo: National Enquirer sent Trump stories to Michael Cohen before publication
–– Anything to get him to read.

Michael Cohen Denies Discussing Trump With Tom Arnold
–– Hmm, which lying loon to believe?

Japanese employee fined for taking 3 minutes out of work to order lunch
–– And 15 minutes upon digesting it.

John Oliver Censored In China After Scathing Winnie The Pooh Segment
–– Xi couldn’t bear.

‘Roseanne’ Spinoff ‘The Conners’ Picked Up By ABC With No Roseanne Barr Involvement
–– Barr none.

Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson's Rumored New Apartment Comes With an IMAX Movie Theater and a 75-Foot Pool
–– With 7-ft. husband-safety fence.

We Can Already See The Damage From The Masterpiece Cakeshop Ruling
–– No matter how you slice it.

Michael Cohen, Trump Attorney Under Federal Investigation, Resigns RNC Role
–– Had been cast as Second Shyster on Right.

‘Star Wars' Spinoffs Suspended After Tepid 'Solo' Box Office
–– Solo to a trickle.

Peter Fonda Apologizes for 'Vulgar' Barron Trump Tweet. 'I Went Way Too Far'
–– Sleazy writer.

Koko the gorilla death: Primate famous for learning sign language dies, aged 46
–– Upraised middle finger last sign.

Israeli Prime Minister's Wife, Sara Netanyahu, Indicted For Fraud
–– Followed Bibi cue.

Donald Trump asks why other people are called the elite when 'I have a much better apartment and I'm richer than they are'
–– 'Yeah, why don't you people hate me more?'

Johnny Depp’s $650M Film Fortune “Almost All Gone”, New Rolling Stone Exposé Says
–– Deep in Depp.

Probe Finds — Come On — Only One Email to Outside EPA in Pruitt Outbox?
–– Was to Captain Joseph Hazelwood of Exxon Valdez asking exactly how he did it.

GOP senator defends EPA chief, calls ethics allegations lies
–– Inhofe, the Okie from Must-choke-ye.

Intel C.E.O. Brian Krzanich Resigns After Relationship With Employee
–– Middle manager had Intel Inside.

Chinese hotpot restaurant's all-you-can-eat deal goes very wrong
–– With all-you-can-excrete deal.

Supreme Court Rules that Warrants Generally Are Required to Collect Cellphone Data
–– Government has app for that.

DC Partners With Walmart For 100-Page 'Giant' Comic Book Line
–– Superman vs. the Walmartians.

How Busy Phillips Will "Bring Something Different" to Late-Night with E! Series
–– Less mindless chatter?

Melania dons jacket saying 'I really don't care. Do U?' ahead of her border visit -- and afterward
–– President’s boxer reads: 'I give a fuck. Do u?'

President Trump contradicts spokeswoman's denial by saying Melania's jacket is about 'fake news'
–– Do u believe that?

Charlottesville rally organizer requests permit for 'white civil rights rally' in Washington
–– Will demand

Donald Trump Trash-Tweets ABC News For Botched Chyron Saying Manafort Pleads Guilty To Manslaughter
–– But would anyone be surprised?

Jada Pinkett Smith, 48, says her νagina looks like 'a little beautiful peach' thanks to procedure
–– With pit of her personality attached.

WWE Legend Vader Dies at Age 63
–– Goes darth.

Michael Bloomberg to spend $80 million in 2018 to help Democrats win the House
–– Maybe they can afford some balls.

Paul Simon to Stage ‘Unique’ Farewell Concert at Queens’ Flushing Meadows Corona Park
–– Rest homeward bound.

Napoleon’s Hat, Dropped at Waterloo, Is Picked Up at Auction for $400,000
–– Signed by Marlon Brando on set of Désirée.

Kevin Spacey Film to Hit Theaters Despite Sexual Misconduct Accusations
–– Still hopes to do press.

Walmart ‘Surprised’ Old Store Is a Migrant Shelter. Records Hinted at the Possibility.
–– Who actually reads contracts on $4.5M transactions?

Gatorade is going sugarless for the first time in its 53-year-history
–– Remains flavorless as always.

Corey Lewandowski on undocumented child with Down syndrome separated from mother: 'Womp womp'
–– Which is what morally disabled

Corey Lewandowski dropped by speakers bureau after 'womp womp' comment
–– Lawyers charge discrimination against morally disabled.

Over 500 guns found at convicted felon's California home, officials say
–– Along with 55 Hummel figurines.

Russia Stay Perfect with 3-1 Win over Mohamed Salah, Egypt in 2018 World Cup
–– Even fans are juicing.

9,000 barrels of bourbon fall in Kentucky distillery building collapse
–– Rye humor.

The World's Oldest Known Sumatran Orangutan Has Died at Age 62
–– Last question to sick-looking ape, ‘What Sumatra?’

‘Call Me Mr. President.' Watch Emmanuel Macron Scold French Teen for Calling Him 'Manu'
–– Can we call Trump ‘Manure’?

Richmond school drops Confederate name in favor of Barack Obama
–– Trumps has another minor aneurysm.

Trump ramps up rhetoric: Dems want 'illegal immigrants' to 'infest our country'
–– Changes Sessions title to Exterminator General.

‘Westworld’ Star Jeffrey Wright on His Character's Wild Journey: "I'm Never Flying Blind"
–– “That’s for suckers in audience.”

Senate candidate's first campaign ad depicts Trump administration as literal dumpster fire
–– Court rules 'not too-on-the-nose.'

Pentagon suspends 'war game' with South Korea after Trump's meeting with Kim
–– Troops to engage in multiplayer Call of Duty 4 online instead.

North Korea’s Kim Jong-un in China for two-day trip ‘to brief Xi Jinping on Donald Trump summit’
–– And share good laugh.

Kim Jong Un More Popular Than Pelosi Among Republicans: Exclusive Poll Results
–– Prefer strychnine to Pepsi, too.

Pompeo cites Kim Jong Un’s ‘reputation’ as evidence North Korea will denuclearize
–– Known as Honest Abe of buthchering madmen.

West Point grad who posed with 'Communism will win' in cap discharged
–– Chinese variety already has.

Myrtle Allen, Who Elevated Irish Cooking, Dies at 94
–– Authored The Joy of Overcooking.

Giuliani says Trump could issue pardons after Russia probe
–– Snap fingers, make Democrat half of human life forms disappear.

Former WH Chief Strategist Bannon says Trump has never lied: 'Not to my knowledge'
–– Really is dumber than we thought.

Trump defends North Korea summit, trashes media: 'We got so much for peace in the world'
–– Shut mouth and give us peace we really crave.

Seth MacFarlane 'Embarrassed' to Work for Fox After Tucker Carlson Urges Viewers to Distrust 'Big News Stations'
–– Trust Big News Stations like Fox.

DNA test solves mystery of wolf-like creature shot in Montana
–– It's like wolf.

Amazon shareholders call for halt of facial recognition sales to police
–– Mug shit.

Tesla spontaneously catches fire with no crash
–– Musk: 'That's how hot they are.'

What life is like for Paul Manafort in jail
–– Miserable, one can only hope.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner detail vast wealth: Real estate, fashion and investments
–– Not counting billions in debt.

Trump: Space Force and Air Force will be 'separate but equal'
–– ‘I mean, have you ever heard of a black astronaut?’

Trump: "The US will not be a migrant camp"
–– ‘Though we run it like Banana Republic.’

Norman Pearlstine Named Editor of The Los Angeles Times
–– What, Horace Greeley not available?

Russia is anxious to present a safe World Cup. But have they just covered up a terrorist attack?
–– Open nyet.

Kim Kardashian West on Running for Office: "Never Say Never"
–– “Never!!!”

Former Trump operative Roger Stone met with Russian who wanted $2M for Clinton dirt
–– Stink like a Stone.

Melania Trump Calls on ‘Both Sides’ to End Family Separation
–– Of husband’s mouth?

Reinhard Hardegen, Who Led U-Boats to America’s Shore, Dies at 105
–– Torpedoed.

Martin Bregman, ‘Scarface’ Producer, Dies at 92
–– Say goodbye to my little friend.

Trump says he gave Kim Jong Un a direct phone number
–– Of porn star.

Kathy Griffin Says She’s ‘Available’ for Chris Hardwick’s ‘Talking Dead’ Gig
–– Retitled ‘Talking Shit’.

Ted Cruz Beats Jimmy Kimmel in Basketball Showdown
–– Co-called Dribble Cup.

Sixth suicide of debt-strapped cabbie has drivers on edge and leads to calls for resignation of TLC commissioner
–– Hell o' cab.

Indonesian woman swallowed by 23-foot-long python near her garden
— Had 5-footer as appetizer.

Lionel Messi Missed Penalty Leads to Historic Draw Between Argentina and Iceland
–– Got Messi.

Prosecutors Extract 700 Pages of Encrypted Messages From the Phone of Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen
–– Editing out sexts left to paras with lowest seniority.

Week of 06/15/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Dismisses Kim Jong Un’s Atrocities: ‘He’s a Tough Guy’
–– ‘You heard me, mug. A tough guy like me, see.’

Giuliani: I meant Joe Biden is dumb
–– Said pebble of rock.

U.S. Insists Sanctions Will Remain Until North Korea Denuclearizes
–– Translation: Sanctions will remain.

US warns of North Korea cyber campaign, days after historic summit
–– A sort of ‘thank you’ hack.

'Alpha male' handshakes as Trump, Kim meet, but body language shows some nerves
–– Submissive rump displays behind closed doors.

North Korean media says Trump offered to lift sanctions
–– Asked if Kim wanted balls cupped, head massaged.

Trump returns salute of North Korean general at summit, state media footage reveals
–– Thought it was cheaper than tipping him.

Facing Criticism, the White House Calls Trump's Salute to North Korean General a 'Common Courtesy'
–– Among common criminals.

Trump: I want ‘my people’ to sit up at attention like Kim Jong Un’s do
–– His hair does stand on end.

MSNBC Host Can't Stop Laughing At Trump's North Korea Real Estate Pitch
–– What's amusing about Kim-a-Lago?

Fox's Napolitano: Trump appeared 'more presidential than I have ever seen him look' at summit
–– Because he typically looks like racist mob boss in 70s blaxploitation film.

Future Tackles the Influential ‘SuperFly’ Soundtrack With ‘No Shame’
–– Or talent.

Paul Manafort jailed over witness tampering
–– In Charlie Manson's old cell.

Rudy Giuliani suggests the Manafort business could 'get cleaned up with some presidential pardons'
–– Trump to invoke twat de seigneur.

A.M.I., Tabloid Giant and Trump Ally, Expands Its Reach
–– Pecker woud.

Funky Ceramics Are Everywhere. Including in Galleries.
–– Where you can pay $1000s for crap child would be embarrassed to bring home from school.

Billy Bob Thornton Says There Is Only One Reason He Is Not Still Married to Angelina Jolie
–– She’s not actually crazy as she acts.

Sessions cites Bible passage used to defend slavery in defense of separating immigrant families
–– 'I find it works fer justifying abuse of non-whites across the board. Praise the Lord.'

Conservative Religious Leaders Are Denouncing Trump Immigration Policies
–– Even while admitting they kinda love it.

John Travolta's 'Gotti' Gets Rare Zero Percent Score on Rotten Tomatoes
–– Battlefield Earth of mob movies.

Australia Artist Is Buried Alive to Symbolize Historic Cover-Up
–– Officially down under.

U.K. Government Backs Bill to Make ‘Upskirting’ a Crime
–– Not looking up for pervs.

EPA Moves To Replace Obama-Era Rule Protecting Drinking Water For 117 Million
–– Pruitt will personally piss into 120 city reservoirs.

Editorial Cartoonist Critical Of Trump Fired From Pittsburgh Newspaper
–– Pitt stop.

Roseanne Barr: I’ve ‘Developed a Bit of Palsy in My Head and Hands’ Due to Stress
–– Premonition of PTSD contributed to her sending anti-anti-Semitism tweet that low IQ people misinterpreted as racist.

Trump calls it ‘irrelevant’ he misled press about Don Jr.’s Russia meeting
–– Given rate at which he lies, might actually be true.

Hateful firefighter allegedly defecated in stranger’s backyard
–– In interests of safety did not set deposit ablaze on front stoop.

Trump told Shinzo Abe he’d ship 25 million Mexicans to Japan
–– And get them to pay for rice.

Lingerie company thinks women need vibrating underwear to watch soccer
–– Anything to counteract boredom.

Elizabeth Holmes indicted on wire fraud charges, steps down from Theranos
–– Authorities smelled blood.

Cohen signals openness to cooperating with federal investigators
–– Drops drawers, touches toes.

China: 'The US has launched a trade war'
–– Trump: 'Now can I wear the General Patton uniform?'

Justice watchdog faults Comey on Clinton email probe, but says not politically motivated
–– Though she was politically mutilated.

Why diapers are in trouble: Americans are having fewer babies
–– Have to make them bigger for more seniors.

Japan lowers its age of adulthood to 18
–– Male manga fans suggested 14.

What Happens if Mass Starvation Takes Hold in Yemen?
–– Media will diligently report latest celebrity tweet.

Jamie Foxx Slams Claims He Slapped A Woman With His Penis In 2002: It ‘Never Happened’
–– Thumps claims with tallywacker.

It Sounds Like Warner Bros. Will Go Ahead With New Affleck-Less Batman Movie
–– With him would’ve been affectless.

Democrats introduce an election security bill that proposes paper trails and mandatory audits
–– Republicans sensibly, patriotically support it to protect very roots of democracy. Not.

Rudy Giuliani's Estranged Wife Alleges He Had Affair With Married Woman
–– Hasn't mistress suffered enough?

Sanders thanks Rodman for being ‘helpful’ in North Korea
–– ‘He got the ball dribbling.’

People On Twitter Are Photoshopping Fake Anti-Gay Quotes Onto Pictures Of Millie Bobby Brown
–– Ran out of flies to pull wings off of.

Roseanne Barr Claims Racist Valerie Jarrett Tweet "Was About Anti-Semitism"
–– In the sense that Barr’s Jewish, people hate her.

Jim Carrey Shares Art of 'Calvin and Hobbes' Character Urinating on Trump's Grave
–– Calvin and nobs.

Sylvester Stallone subject of sex crimes investigation
–– Sly dog.

N.Y. Attorney General Sues Trump Foundation Over Self-Dealing
–– And other slush fun.

New York files suit against President Trump, alleging his charity engaged in ‘illegal conduct’
–– No surprise builder’s foundation rotten.

Child Treated for Bubonic Plague in Idaho
–– Got medieval on him.

Donald Trump responds to Robert De Niro: “I truly believe he may be punch-drunk”
–– ‘Hey Jared, hit me in the head so I can be absolutely sure.’

John Schneider Sentenced to Jail After Failing to Pay Alimony to Estranged Wife: Report
–– The hazard of douches.

Why Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes Still Refuse to Talk About Their Relationship
–– Both understandably mortified.

Jada Pinkett Smith Talks Mental Health After Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade Suicides
–– Shares her own painful denuclearization issues after Trump, Kim summit.

Seeing U.S. Flag Alongside North Korea's Was 'Disgusting,' Says Ex-CIA Official
–– Seeing President alongside Supreme Leader ‘nauseating.’

Couple fall to their deaths from Portuguese beach wall ‘after trying to take a selfie’
–– Posted pic shows mostly sand.

North Carolina Teacher and Softball Coach, 26, Accused of Sexual Activity with Teen Student
–– Wanted to play hardball.

Graham jokes about Corker: GOP would have to be organized to be a cult
–– Insane behavior doesn’t require organization.

Raccoon Climbs Minnesota Skyscraper and Becomes an Internet Sensation
–– Rescued by other Guardians of Galaxy.

Should California Really Be 3 States? Voters Will Decide In November.
–– Should Oklahoma be none?

Dennis Hof, Nevada Brothel Owner And Reality TV Star, Wins GOP Primary For State Assembly
–– Wants to spend time with lower class of whore.

IQ scores are falling and have been for decades, new study finds
–– Don't need to be a genius to figure out.

After meeting with North Korean dictator, Trump calls press America's 'biggest enemy'
–– Nice he’ll share credit.

Trump’s personal attorney splits with his own legal team
–– Like single-cell organism.

Mario Batali's company to cut all ties with him after allegations lead to police investigation
–– Sliced, diced.

Microsoft Office is getting a new, simpler look
–– For new, even simpler customers.

National League Exec: Nationals' Bryce Harper 'Overrated' and 'a Losing Player'
–– No way is that hyped, overpaid jerk a 'losing player.'

Avenatti: 'I owe an apology to the pig for associating Giuliani with a pig'
–– Porcine Anti-Defamation League ‘satisfied’ with response.

Bryan Singer to Get Directing Credit on Queen Biopic 'Bohemian Rhapsody’
–– As punishment.

Who Wants to Do Business in North Korea?
–– Rocketman Mortgage, Ratburger King, Nuke Balance, Monsters, Inc., The Trump Organization.

Mexican drug lord 'La Barbie' sentenced to 50 years, ordered to forfeit $192M
–– Relinquish Ken collection.

Princess Charlotte rifling through Kate Middleton's purse is possibly the most relatable thing we've ever seen
–– We being pickpockets.

Ex-CIA Chief Says Donald Trump Looks ‘Unstable, Erratic and Thin-skinned’ After Justin Trudeau Attacks
–– Or ‘unchanged.’

Anthony Bourdain’s Ex-Wife: ‘I Hope You Are Having a Good Trip, Wherever You Are’
–– ‘Hope it’s not too hot.’

Teacher Says He Was Forced to Resign After Refusing to Call Transgender Student by Preferred Name
–– Or name.

Detective’s gun found after he left it in Burger King bathroom, suspect arrested
–– Had it his way.

Colbert Sums Up Iconic New Trump Image: ‘Still Life With Douchebag’
–– By Picasshole.

‘Oceans 8' Shows Women Hitting Back At The System That's Long Been Scamming Them
–– Yeah, they really put it to patriarchal exploiters making multi-million dollar jewelry. And Anna Wintour.

Robert De Niro Apologizes To Canada For Trump’s ‘Idiotic Behavior’
–– And raging bull.

Supreme Court Upholds Ohio’s Purge of Voting Rolls
–– Resulting in vomitous elections.

Ninth planet discovered?
–– Naw, it’s just Pluto photobomb.

Rand Paul: Lindsey Graham a danger to country
–– The Puce Peril.

Donald Trump Is Not Playing by Your Rules
–– You’re a human being.

Trump just struck a shockingly weak deal with North Korea
–– Summit up: Loser!

Vague on Details, Trump Is Betting on ‘Special Bond’ With Kim to Deliver Deal
–– Used Gorilla Glue in palm for handshake.

Trump to 'Hannity': Kim Jong Un to start denuclearization 'virtually immediately'
–– ‘Like literally, almost, definitely, sorta, for sure, kinda, virtually immediately. People say.’’

A very talented man who loves his country very much’: Internet attacks Trump over his praise for Kim Jong-un
–– ‘And the human chattel he believes he owns.’

Amanpour: Trump's response worrying, depressing
–– Or typical.

Pompeo criticizes ‘insulting and ridiculous and, frankly, ludicrous’ question
–– Concerning Trump summit it would have to be.

Trump Takes A Jab At The Free Press In Front Of Kim Jong Un
–– ‘Yeah, you have to deal with independent journalists everyday, right?’

Kim Jong Un brought his own toilet to the Singapore summit — and he takes it everywhere
–– Trump loves to befoul new places.

Rodman gets emotional discussing North Korea
–– Only American that loves bloody repressive regime more than Trump.

Fox News Host Calls Trump-Kim Summit a Meeting of ‘Two Dictators’
–– Or A Tale of Two Shitties.

Kim Jong Un steps out in Singapore for night out after mysterious travel plans revealed
–– Bar order: Trump Ass in a Sling.

Sarah Sanders captures Trump's ride to Singapore summit site on video
–– Exclusively bloopers.

Bill Clinton: 'Norms have changed' for what you can do to somebody against their will
–– 'I asked Mcdonald, 'at's what he said.'

GOP congressional candidate: Diversity is 'a bunch of crap and un-American'
–– 'Irish was last immigration that sorta counted.'

Trump admin drops asylum protections for domestic violence victims
–– And prohibition on abusers.

Toxic Fandom Is Killing 'Star Wars'
–– Something’s gotta.

Disgraced Donkey Kong Champ Billy Mitchell’s Redemption is a Sloppy Soliloquy
–– Begins: 'Is this a joystick I see before me...'

Amazon Criticized Over Working Conditions at Echo Factory
–– Heard that before.

Model Winnie Harlow Mistakenly Waves Checkered Flag 1 Lap Early at Canadian GP
–– Simply didn’t go with her outfit.

Supreme Court Upholds Ohio’s Purge of Voting Rolls
–– How did Merrick Garland vote?

Do you know what's growing on your kitchen towel?
–– Jr.s sex ed science experiment.

Billions in cryptocurrency wealth wiped out after hack
–– Now you don't see it, now you really don't see it.

Putin Says He’s Willing To Rejoin The Group Of Seven After Trump’s Invite
–– But refuses to bring Jell-o mold.

US unveils new Russia sanctions over cyberattacks
–– Spankings of Putin’s inner circle by Ukrainian hookers.

Arron Banks ‘met Russian officials multiple times before Brexit vote’
–– Official couldn't get enough of Britain-fucking-self-over story.

‘The Dump Killed My Son’: Mountains of Garbage Engulf India’s Capital
–– Trashed him.

G7 in disarray after Trump rejects communique and attacks 'weak' Trudeau
–– ‘And I’m still better looking!’

Navarro: Special place in hell for Trudeau
–– Trump, elderly advisors will have plenty time to prepare it for him.

Seb Gorka Calls Trudeau ‘Childish’ and Praises Peter Navarro’s ‘Special Place in Hell’ Comment
–– 'I'll even share mine.'

Trump Economic Adviser Ties G-7 Pullout to North Korea Meeting
–– “And the President hates to pull out –– ask Stormy.’

Eunice Gayson, 'Dr. No' Star and First Bond Girl, Dies at 90
–– Dead, stone dead.

Pope Tells Oil Executives to Act on Climate: ‘There Is No Time to Lose’
–– Turns water into whine.

No, the Broadway Musical Isn’t Doomed
–– Except to Disney.

Moscow Theater Rebels, Husband and Wife, Are Dead
–– NEWSFLASH: Kremlin not suspected!

Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk and the Feud Over Killer Robots
–– Anything bot.

Trump Says U.S. Will No Longer Be ‘Piggy Bank That Everybody’s Robbing’
–– Just piggy.

No Need to Prepare to Meet Kim Jong-un? Trump Has a Point
–– Atop head.

Week of 06/08/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Wants Russia Back in G-7, in Split With U.S. Allies
–– Misery loves company.

Vladimir Putin: West wrongly sees Russia as a threat
–– Refers to us as Riskies.

Trump’s Trade Disputes With G-7 Are a ‘Family Quarrel,’ Kudlow Says
–– ‘Like among Corleones.’

Trump Says a ‘Big Operation’ Kept Melania Trump From G-7
–– On General Hospital.

A man nearly died when a severed snake head bit him. The scary part? It's not uncommon
–– Fang favorite.

Trump Doing Brexit? A ‘Very Good Thought,’ Says Britain’s Top Diplomat
–– If he breaksit.

Vatican open to official role for women and married men in Amazon
–– Warehouse.

Mueller Adds Obstruction Charge on Manafort and Indicts His Right-Hand Man
–– Makes number two.

CNN’s Anthony Bourdain dead at 61
–– Parts unknown.

Trump mourns Anthony Bourdain as 'quite a character' and says he 'enjoyed his show' – even though the chef wanted to POISON his food and said he would 'absolutely f***ing not' ever eat with him
–– Got that right.

Sandra Lee dedicates Stevie Nicks song to Anthony Bourdain, the food world's "bad boy"
–– Sara Lee a coffee cake.

"Tony’s restless spirit will roam the earth in search of justice, truth and a great bowl of noodles"
–– Hope he was Taoist.

Jean-Georges Vongerichten Says Anthony Bourdain Was Set to Dine With Him This Weekend
–– In dyin' room?

A New York deli set out Anthony Bourdain's usual breakfast order
–– To go?

Fashion Designer Kate Spade Found Dead In Apparent Suicide
–– Bagged it.

Mets pitcher immediately retires after giving up 14 runs in the minors
–– Big leaguers take note.

KFC Will Test Vegetarian ‘Fried Chicken,’ Original Herbs and Spices Included
–– On chickens.

Bee on Ivanka comments: 'I hate that this distracted from more important issues'
–– But she appreciates buzz.

James Corden Says Samantha Bee’s Vulgar Insult is a ‘Compliment’ in Britain
–– Like c***gratulations.

Trump says prosecutors 'caught a leaker' after former Senate staffer charged with lying to investigators
–– Information dribbles out.

Trump quadruples down on false claim that 'Democrat rules' are forcing his administration to separate immigrant families
–– How do you quadruple down with pair of jokers?

Matt Lauer Can Keep New Zealand Ranch, Despite Inquiry Into Conduct
–– Ewes ‘extremely nervous.’

Trump Says He May Pardon Muhammad Ali
–– Who had conviction overturned by SCOTUS in 1971.

The Bad Guys Are Inheriting the DC Universe
–– They deserve punishment.

Venezuela named world's most dangerous country again, poll finds
–– Maduro appears at rally wearing giant foam #1 hand surrounded by bodyguards.

NASA’s Curiosity rover finds organic matter on Mars
–– From where engineer splooged on tire.

The Cure's Robert Smith: 'I was very optimistic when I was young – now I'm the opposite’
–– That explains all the early upbeat hits.

Heidi Fleiss Reflects on 25th Anniversary of Her Arrest, Ex Tom Sizemore and What Charlie Sheen Really Spent on Girls
–– On Ho-back Thursday.

Former Fox News analyst says Fox has become 'destructive propaganda machine'
–– Or ‘continues to be’?

Paul Ryan Dismisses Trump ‘Spy’ Charge as G.O.P. Shows Signs of Resistance
–– Fearless like French Underground.

Trump calls off visit of Philadelphia Eagles over anthem dispute
–– O say, you can't see.

Eagles’ Jenkins responds to White House snub with signs
–– Middle finger, L for Loser to forehead.

Steve Kerr on Trump canceling White House visits: 'Instead, we just have these military sing-alongs [where] we don't know the words'
–– Experiences synching sensation.

Philly Mayor Taunts 'Fragile Egomaniac’ Trump Over Canceled Super Bowl Party
–– Actual egomania extremely robust.

You’ll Never Believe the Real Reason Queen Elizabeth II Didn’t Like Jacqueline Kennedy
–– The breathy Chipmunks voice?

Siblings Pen Scathing Obituary for Mom They Say Ran Off With Uncle: 'World Is a Better Place Without Her'
–– Refused to keep mum.

Woman punched by police officer at NJ beach shares her side of the story
–– Blow-by-blow.

The Chemical Industry Scores a Big Win at the E.P.A.
–– Polluters 56 EPA 0.

Judge Orders EPA to Share Evidence for Pruitt’s Climate Change Claims
–– Has to recover copies of American Petroleum Institute’s newsletter from garbage.

HGTV stars Chip and Joanna Gaines' company fined $40,000 by EPA
–– Now we know focus of Pruitt’s oversight.

Washington Post: Pruitt asked security detail to take him in search of lotion
–– Needed lubricant before meeting with lobbyist.

The internet reactions Kellyanne Conway calling Trump 'Commander of Cheese' are as glorious as you'd expect
–– And Lord of Crackers.

Kim Jong-un 'got on hands and knees and begged for Trump summit', Rudy Giuliani says
–– No, he’s just very short.

Singapore summit: Luxury hotel designed by British architect on 'pirates' island' named as venue for Trump-Kim talks
–– And named in their honor.

WaPo: US determining who will pay for North Korea leader's hotel room
–– They know cable porn charges will be through roof.

Another Summit Snafu: Who’s Going To Pay For Kim Jong Un’s Singapore Hotel Room?
–– Can’t he use points from Monstercard?

Trump says he's "very well prepared" for Kim summit, but didn't have to prepare very much
–– ‘I repeated his name six times and got it right five. Excellent average.’

Trump says Kim summit more than 'photo-op'
–– ‘I could stay home and get shot with Fresh Off the Boat cast.'

Donald Trump's 'Unofficial Chief of Staff' Sean Hannity Will Be in Singapore For Kim Jong Un Meeting
–– For post-summit rubdown.

Trump may invite Kim Jong Un to White House if summit goes well
–– As long as he's willing to swap poison formulas.

Pet Crocodile Eats Beloved Dog That Tormented Her for a Decade While Owner Watches in Horror
— Snapyap.

Archaeologists uncover remains of man crushed as he fled Pompeii
–– Flat on his ash.

Jerry Maren, Last Surviving Munchkin in ‘The Wizard of Oz,’ Dies at 98
–– Lollipop killed.

Giuliani on Stormy Daniels: Melania Trump 'believes her husband'
–– “…bangs porn stars.’

Stormy Daniels' lawyer calls Rudy Giuliani an 'absolute pig' over comments
–– Porcine Anti-Defamation League protests.

Poll: 29 percent of U.S. voters have a favorable view of Giuliani
–– Which is distance of 100 yards.

Pruitt aide inquired about used Trump hotel mattress for him
–– Conveniently pre-stained.

EPA spokesperson calls reporter 'a piece of trash'
–– Pruitt’s favorite substance found in nature.

Pruitt on Chick-fil-A: 'We need more of them in Tulsa and we need more of them across the country'
–– ‘Now if only they’d use more plastic packaging.’

Fan Catches Foul Ball in Her Beer, Chugs It at Padres Game
–– Tasted like highball.

Trump invokes War of 1812 in testy call with Trudeau over tariffs
–– As he prepares to burn down White House.

Asked About 'Terrible' Donald Trump Call, Macron Says You Don't Really Want To Know
–– Sacre bleh!

IHOP says it's changing name to IHOb. Huh?
–– IHUH?

Jada Pinkett Smith Says She Was 'Devastated' When Her Son Jaden Asked to Be Emancipated at 15
–– ‘Overcome’ when he didn’t actually leave.

Scaramucci: 'Someone had it out' for WH communications aide fired Tuesday
–– Mooch passed on contract.

Press aide who mocked McCain is out at the White House
–– Don’t worry, her career’s dying anyway,

Patient remains awake for 90 minutes of CPR, doctor says
–– Asleep for eternity thereafter.

GOP megadonor David Koch stepping down from Koch Industries, Americans for Prosperity Foundation due to declining health
–– We all pray he can afford health insurance.

Donald Trump's Life 'Became Exponentially Worse' Running for President, Eric Trump Says
–– Like all Americans.

Rick Santorum: Obama Inflamed Racism in U.S. By Siding With People Of Color, Against Police
–– Aha!

Bill Clinton Interview Gets Heated as He Admits He Never Personally Apologized to Monica Lewinsky
–– Claims he offered lip service.

Bill Clinton: "Today" interview "wasn't my finest hour"
–– Like Churchill screwing jowly pooch.

Bill Clinton: Media Was Friendlier To Obama Because They Liked Having African-American President
–– If you don’t count Fox.

Stephen Colbert Mocks Melania Trump 'Disappearance': “It Took That Shawshank Guy Years to Tunnel Out”
–– And he wasn't using coke spoon.

Mueller Says Manafort Attempted To Tamper With Witnesses
–– Might’ve just been picking pockets.

Paul Manafort Learns That Encrypting Messages Doesn't Matter If the Feds Have a Warrant to Search Your iCloud Account
–– Pray they don't download his 'private pix'.

Air Force puts a chill on Trump's $24 million fridges for presidential jet
–– Will need to store Melania elsewhere on long trips.

Woody Allen Thinks He ‘Should Be the Poster Boy for the Me Too Movement’
–– Marked ‘Most Wanted’?

Miss America is scrapping the swimsuit portion from its pageant
–– Merging with Miss Nude United States.

Howard Schultz steps down at Starbucks, may consider run for president
–– Wakes up, smells coffee.

Brian Kilmeade Corrects Guest Who Called Starbucks CEO ‘The Biggest Racist on the Planet’
–– 'Whoa, the President is on tomorrow's Fox & Friends.'

Kanye West Reveals He Was Diagnosed With 'Mental Condition' At 39
–– Or 39 mental conditions once?

Rolling Stone Writer Suggests Melania Trump’s Absence ‘Could Be About Concealing Abuse’
–– Then entire country should disappear for several weeks.

CNN obtains report showing fund for coal miners with black lung is in trouble
–– WH tells critics to 'take a breath.'

Ronald Reagan Would Hate What Trump Is Doing To America, Daughter Says
–– Out of sheer jealousy.

Kentucky Crowd Cheers Trump Quote, Then Finds Out It’s Actually From Obama
–– Cut out own tongues.

Supreme Court rules for Colorado baker in same-sex wedding cake case
–– Icing gay rights.

CNN anchor calls out Trump team's 'writhing hydra of dishonesty'
–– Who should put heads together.

Fan Bingbing Contract Leak Sparks Film Industry Tax Probe in China
–– Hides income for blingbling.

Sherlock’ star Benedict Cumberbatch saves defenseless delivery cyclist from gang attack in London
–– The Adventure of the Marylebone Mugging.

Whale Found In Thailand Dies From Eating Over 80 Plastic Bags
–– Too impatient to open Ring Dings.

Trump: I have 'absolute right to pardon myself'
–– ‘And abolish laws of physics.’

Trump Says Appointment of Special Counsel is ‘Totally Unconstitutional’
–– ‘And totally unconstitutional is my bag.’

Giuliani: Trump Could Have Shot Comey And Still Couldn’t Be Indicted For It
–– How about his lawyer? Let's see.

Giuliani on shifting Trump Tower story: 'It was a mistake. I swear to God.'
–– God, fingers in ears: ‘I can’t hear you.’

Giuliani Thinks Mueller's Team Is Trying 'Very, Very Hard' To Frame Donald Trump
–– Don Jr. making it ‘very, very easy.’

Bill Clinton says impeachment process over Russia probe would be underway if Democrat were in office
–– Even if he swore 'I did not have sex with that dictator.'

Chris Christie: 'Outrageous claim' that Trump cannot obstruct justice
–– From someone who could obstruct any doorway.

Nearly 100 women suffered under dancing doctor's scalpel, lawyer says
–– Spins during surgery were killers.

Denmark Talks (Reluctantly) About a Ban on Circumcising Boys
–– Based on tip-off.

Stan Lee Faces Down Two Gunmen Outside LA Home
–– Fugitives from DC comic book.

Trump’s Lawyers, in Confidential Memo, Argue to Head Off a Historic Subpoena
–– Displaying subpoenas envy.

Week of 06/01/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Roseanne Barr attacks Obama ally Valerie Jarrett with racist tweet — then apologizes
–– Aping decent human.

Woman pulled over while driving a bumper car
–– By cop on carousel.

Roseanne Barr Returns to Twitter: ‘Don’t Feel Sorry For Me’
–– Who does?

Roseanne Barr Attacks Cast Members on Twitter Following Cancellation: ‘You Threw Me Under the Bus’
–– One with Rosa Parks in back.

Roseanne feels sorry for Trump as she likens racist tweet backlash to ‘what he goes through everyday’
–– Tough being confirmed bigot.

Could ‘Roseanne’ Continue Without Roseanne Barr? It’s a Long Shot
–– Would be like Snow White without poisoned apple.

ABC weighs rebooting 'Roseanne' without Barr: report
–– Still way over safe limit.

Roseanne Barr Claims She Didn't Know Valerie Jarrett Is Black: I 'Thought She Was White'
–– Meant to type 'muslim brotherhood & astronauts from planet of the apes had a baby=vj.'

Roseanne Barr Claims Liberals Are Lynching 'a Jew'
–– 'Those racists! Wait, they know I'm white, right?'

George Soros wasn’t a Nazi, Roseanne Barr. He was a 14-year-old Jew who hid from them.
–– 'Maybe, but he never suffered as much as me with these lib Nazis.'

Hollywood Muslims Respond to ‘Roseanne’ Scandal: ‘We’re Forgotten’
–– ‘Yeah, remember we all identify with radical terrorist Muslim Brotherhood.’

Trump Tweets Breaking Silence On ‘Roseanne’ Cancellation, Wonders Why Bob Iger Did Not Apologize To Him
–– For firing biggest supporter.

The summit's back on: Trump, NKorea's Kim to meet after all
–– At World's Lowest Summit.

Sean Spicer Slaps Back at Obama: ‘No, I Did Not Work for a Cartoon President’
–– 'I just didn't work.'

Cellphone surveillance detected near the White House, DHS says
–– Sean Spicer still in bushes looking for Razr V3.

Watch Trump Tout 'Very Nice Letter' From Kim Jong Un, Then Say He Hasn't Opened It
–– A big red K.

EPA’s Pruitt spent $1,560 on 12 customized fountain pens from Washington jewelry store
–– That use poison ink.

Jury Awards $4 to Family of Man Fatally Shot by Sheriff's Deputy in His Own Garage
–– Adds insult to injury with dash of racism.

Advice to Male TV Writers Who Didn't Get Staffed: Don't Blame #MeToo
–– On social media.

Brett Ratner Pushing Himself as 'Rush Hour 4' Director
–– In latest slang for self abuse.

National Donut Day: Free donuts from Dunkin' Donuts, Krispy Kreme, Walmart and more
–– Major torus attraction.

Pentagon says nearly 500 civilians killed in US military operations in Trump's first year
–– Trump: ‘Far more than in weak Obama’s.’

The 'Spawn' Reboot Isn't What You Think It Is
–– A ‘Spawn’ reboot?

Plane makes emergency landing after passengers vomit, faint from 'unbearable' smell of 'unwashed' man onboard
–– Steve Bannon's vacationing in Spain?

Here’s How Thanos Might Know Who Tony Is In Avengers: Infinity War
–– Read script.

Trump reportedly said he wants to stop German luxury car imports in the US
–– Unless they’re reengineered to run on coal.

Congressional Candidate In Virginia Admits He’s A Pedophile
–– Wants to lower voting age to 8.

Banned from Wall Street, US cannabis companies go north
–– Above 110th Street where pot’s always done well.

Thailand’s bay made popular by 'The Beach' closes to tourists
–– Officials rewatched film, wanted to erase any memory.

Hurricane Maria death toll may be more than 4,600 in Puerto Rico
–– WH: ‘Big whoop –– only 72 x our official total.’

Woman claims Southwest passenger masturbated during flight
–– Mile-high club for one.

How 'Black Panther' Is Teaching College Students About Foreign Policy
–– Why world will continue to be cartoonish mess.

North Korea's negotiator is not a very nice man
–– It’s OK, he’s meeting with Pompeo who’s miserable.

Pluto has 'Earth-like characteristics,' study says
–– Specifically 'Cleveland-like'.

Jay-Z Triumphs in "Big Pimpin" Appeal As Egyptians Can't Enforce Moral Rights
–– Gets away with Big Poachin'.

ISIS supporter who encouraged attack on Prince George admits guilt
–– In fatwahwah.

Trump places Nashville rally crowd size above arena capacity, disputes reports
–– Counting loons on roof.

Trump wants to ban German cars in the US
–– But import more neo-Nazis.

Boehner: ‘There is no Republican Party. There’s a Trump party.’
–– Adds 'And I'm not invited,' through tears.

Susan Rice's son is outspoken pro-Trump GOP leader at Stanford
–– White on Rice.

Outrage as Samantha Bee calls Ivanka Trump a 'feckless c---,' says she should 'put on something tight and low cut'
–– Feckless is pretty rough.

White House says Samantha Bee's attack on Ivanka Trump was 'vile and vicious'
–– And ‘she's clearly full of feck.’

Samantha Bee Apologizes for Ivanka Trump Insult: ‘I Crossed a Line’
–– With her crack.

Samantha Bee to Ivanka Trump: 'Put on Something Tight and Low-cut and Tell Your Father to Stop It'
–– Wouldn’t he be too distracted to listen?

Sally Field's Tweet On Samantha Bee's Ivanka Trump Comment Is One For The Books
–– C is for C***, The C*** for Red October, The C••• of Monte Cristo.

Fred Kovaleski, Once a Spy in a Tennis Disguise, Dies at 93
–– Got out of both rackets.

Trump Will Pardon Dinesh D’Souza, and Is Weighing Leniency for Rod Blagojevich and Martha Stewart
–– Considering Martin Shkreli, The Fugitive, Lex Luthor.

Dinesh D'Souza Reveals What Trump Told Him on the Phone Before the Pardon
–– "He answered: 'Only a bathrobe.’"

Son of close Carson friend hired at HUD
–– Hire Unqualified Dummies.

Gabrielle Union 'Hit Rock Bottom' After Divorce: I 'Found Myself Under My Bed with My Dog'
–– ‘And I was only looking for a pair of shoes.’

Megyn Kelly Questioned If Starbucks Wants to ‘Deal With a Mass of Homeless People’ With New Store Policy
–– Going to need air venti.

Amber Rose opens up about breast reduction surgery
–– Tries to explain Deflategate.

Tomi Lahren Rebukes Her Own Followers Over Roseanne Barr: ‘Wrong Is Wrong’
–– ‘Right?’

President Trump Signs 'Right To Try' Bill Into Law
–– But he doesn't even.

Body language experts explain why Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are always touching each other
–– Drying sweaty hands.

Mario Batali Faces New Wave of Sexual Misconduct Claims
–– Were on knead to know basis.

Dick Tuck, Democrats’ Political Prankster in Chief, Dies at 94
–– Tucked away.

This televangelist is asking his followers to buy him a $54 million private jet
–– Why not angel wings?

Ryan Zinke defends 'konnichiwa' comment, citing Japanese friends
–– Thought it was name of latest protected parkland opened to drilling.

A kid's question about school shootings just made Sarah Sanders choke up
–– Should ask hundred more.

Apple Orders Emily Dickinson Comedy Series Starring Hailee Steinfeld
–– The Bull of Amherst.

Get your colon checked sooner, new guidelines say
–– Bends the rule.

Trump wishes he hadn't picked Jeff Sessions for attorney general
–– Has bully’s remorse.

One-third of US military injuries in Iraq, Afghanistan weren't from battle
–– Mostly strains from boosting contraband.

Trump’s weight-loss regimen: fish and half a bun
–– Whole deep-fried whale shark.

Magician David Copperfield found not liable for British tourist's injuries
–– Except to credulity.

How Philip Roth Finally Embraced the Film Adaptation of 'Goodbye, Columbus'
–– At arm's-length.

The Muddled Politics of 'Solo: A Star Wars Story'
–– By noted Empirologist.

Bolton adds two loyalists to the National Security Council
–– Who've sworn blood oath to Satan.

What makes Caroline Flack turn into a 'melt'?
–– Panini press?

’Murdered’ Russian journalist Arkady Babchenko appears on Ukrainian TV
–– Gets killer ratings.

Dead’ Russian Journalist Appears at News Conference in Ukraine
–– Was first assassination Kremlin was ready to admit to.

Melania Trump hasn't appeared in public for 20 days
–– Let her be inspiration to POTUS.

Gowdy says FBI 'did exactly what my fellow citizens would want them to do' in Russia investigation
–– Lil’ lyin’ Trey.

Sean Hannity is very disappointed with GOP Rep. Trey Gowdy over 'spygate'
–– The enemy of my enemy is my enema.

Tennessee lawmaker says pornography is a 'root cause' of school shootings
–– Should be charged with obscenity.

Now Roseanne is free to attend Starbucks anti-bias training
–– And Trump WH.

CNN refuses to retract Morgan Freeman story in explosive legal letter
–– Unforgiven.

Official Puerto Rico Storm Toll Is Seen as Far Too Low
–– Not enough casualties?

Meet Anthony Seigler, the Switch-Hitting, Switch-Pitching MLB Draft Gem
–– Swings both ways.

Who do you think owns the press?' Elon Musk tweet attracts barrage of anti-Semitic comments
–– Just wanted to know who to make offer to buy.

Italy’s populists are blocked as 'political referee' waves the red card
–– Just for kicks.

Trump honors fallen service members at Arlington National Cemetery
–– Stays away?

Harvey Weinstein "Unforgiving," "Grotesque" Courtroom Sketches Unveiled
–– Or "accurate."

Arlington Cemetery, Nearly Full, May Become More Exclusive
–– Standing-at-attention room only.

Where Did Ireland Go? Abortion Vote Stuns Those on Both Side
–– Nuns must admit babies aren't birthed by navels.

This Is the First Thing Ivanka Trump Does Every Morning After Waking Up
–– Gives daddy a kiss.

Ashley Graham Is the Body Positive Inspiration Women Need
–– And Haagen Dazs loves.

Convicted of hate crime, ex-Utah man delivers racist rant before his sentencing
–– Just to ease jury's conscience.

Who Is Matthew Pottinger? Audio of White House Official Debunks Trump's "Phony" Attack on The New York Times
–– Was hired by John Barron, promoted by David Dennison.

Trump Is ‘Boiling the Frog’ With His Attacks on DOJ, Critics Say
–– In latest slang for

14-year-old Millie Bobby Brown's moonlight kiss with boyfriend provokes critics
–– And really provokes pedophiles.

Little Caesars employee shoots, kills attacker wearing clown mask, police say
–– Thought it was Ronald McDonald.

Mom Who Forgot 100 Ounces of Breast Milk on a Plane Is "Flabbergasted" by Flight Attendant's Act of Kindness
–– Milk of human kindness.

Retired English Teacher Corrects Trump-Signed Letter, Gives It Near-Failing Grade
–– A for

Michael Rotondo, 30-Year-Old Evicted From Parents' Home, Gets Offered Job
–– As house-sitter.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Thinks Sirhan Did Not Fire Shots That Killed Father
–– Blames vaxxers.

Florida woman rescued after slipping note to veterinarian saying boyfriend was holding her captive, cops say
–– Should be put down.

American Airlines passenger faces up to 20 years in jail for in-flight tirade
–– Was ‘eight-miles’ high.

James Clapper Says 'More and More' of Steele Dossier Has Turned Out To Be True
–– ‘Getting warm’ on pee-pee tape.

Giuliani says Mueller team 'giving us the material' to undermine investigation
–– ‘The shit we’re not making up.’

Rudy Giuliani: Trump Won't Fire People To End Russia Probe Because It's 'Too Watergate'
–– And scandal itself ‘pure mob.’

Rudy Giuliani Says Robert Mueller Will Be 'Doing a Comey' If He Doesn't End Russia Probe by September
–– Rudy should be ‘doing a Roseanne’.

Rudy Giuliani booed at birthday Yankees game
–– Team let’s self get beaten by Astros to ruin day.

Trump Mourns 'Young And Beautiful' Lives 'Destroyed' By Russia Probe
–– Should just destroy old and ugly one.

Rosenstein 'remarkably calm' amid Russia storm
–– Has acces to stash from countless opioid raids.

Man attacks 'Ivan the Terrible' painting with a pole in Moscow
–– Pole sustained injury to head.

How to know when Trump is lying
–– Lips moving.

Giuliani says origin of Mueller probe was 'illegitimate'
–– Bastard should know.

Giuliani: Clapper and Brennan are 2 clowns
–– Hopes to join for triple bill.

New York Judge Rules Against 'Sesame Street' in 'Happytime Murders' Dispute
–– Kermit feels long arm of law.

Alan Bean, the 4th person to walk on the moon, dies at 86
–– Mr. Bean tripped leaving pod.

InfoWars Host Alex Jones Gives $3,000 to Michael Rotondo, Man Evicted From Parent's House
–– Will do anything to hang onto listener.

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