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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
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Week of 04/27/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump claims Michael Cohen handled only "a tiny, tiny little fraction" of his "overall legal work"
–– ‘Like 1/130,000th.’

No new 'Game of Thrones' book this year
–– George Rest Relaxation Martin.

Trump showed up late to Michael Cohen's son's bar mitzvah — then humiliated him in front of all the guests
–– By showing up.

Why Does Michael Cohen Have More Than a Dozen Cell Phones?
–– Can’t remember four-digit password.

Trump 'Destroyed' Relationship with Michael Cohen, Is 'Abusive' to Nearly Everyone: NYT Reporter
–– We are everyone.

Avenatti: Cohen ‘is going to be charged with serious crimes’
–– We can dream.

Stormy Daniels' "Hush Agreement" Suit Paused to Preserve Trump Lawyer's Fifth Amendment Rights
–– Cohen: 'Well, shut my mouth!'

Kanye West just dropped a new song where he says poop over and over
–– Can’t stop singing about self.

12 Marvel Movies in 31 Hours. It Didn’t Feel Like Infinity.
–– More like Eternity.

Mark Your Calendar: Danny DeVito Day Declared in Jersey
–– Shortest day of year.

’Homeless-looking’ man confesses to sex with horse using overturned bucket, cops say
–– He was mane man.

Trump calls on Tester to resign over Ronny Jackson allegations: ‘His reputation has been shattered’
–– Testy, testy.

I Joined the Tea Party to Drain the Swamp. Trump Isn’t Helping.
–– C'mon, the Swamp is exhausted.

Mexican rapper confesses to dissolving film students' bodies in acid
–– Fadeout and dissolve.

Janelle Monáe has come out as pansexual, but what does that mean?
–– Cookware gets you hot.

FBI Texts: ‘Catastrophuck’ Trump Nearly Drove Agents to Quit
–– Was original name for villain in Avengers: Infinity War.

What You Need to Know During a Dog Attack and How to Stop One Before it Starts
–– Remove sausage necklace.

Ben Carson Thinks Poor People Should Pay Higher Rent If They Want Government Help
–– And buy $31K dining set from him.

Trump Will Do ‘Fox & Friends’ Interviews Every Month, Kellyanne Conway Says, Fulfilling Michael Avenatti’s Wish
–– Can’t wait to be impeached.

Russian Lawyer in Trump Tower Meeting Was Kremlin 'Informant,' Natalia Veselnitskaya Now Admits
–– Jared, Don Jr. cop to be being 'Uninformants.'

House Intelligence Committee Report Recommends Repealing Law That Experts Say Trump Campaign Violated
–– Suggests printing gold-leafed Get Out Of Jail Free card for president.

Remains of 140 Children Who Had Their Hearts Ripped Out Suggests Largest Child Sacrifice Event in History
–– Worse than when they took Kim Possible off air?

Breakup With ‘Bonnie’ May Have Fueled Golden State Killer, Investigators Say
–– Left him for Clyde?

Suspected 'Golden State Killer' seemed shocked by arrest, told police he had a roast in the oven: Official
–– Roast named Chuck?

Father says 8th-grade teacher assigned anti-Trump homework, 'bullied' son over Fox News
–– Middle schooler to be named under-Secretary of Education.

North Korea's Kim Yo Jong, Kim Jong Un's Sister, Blushed When She Heard She Was Popular in South Korea
–– Just slightly less than funky fermented cabbage and radishes.

Kim Jong Un Brings His Own Toilet On Trips In Case His Enemies Steal His Excrement, Koreans Say
–– Afraid he'd lose his shit.

It Turns Out Kim Jong Un Has Quite a Dark Sense of Humor
–– Last seven years one big sick joke.

Kim's security: 'not even an ant can pass through'
–– 'And you've seen what he does to uncles.'

Kim Jong Un Just Made History By Calling His Wife This 1 Thing
–– Melania.

Russia Wants a Piece of the North and South Korea Peace Action
–– Offering piece plan?

Tom Brokaw Rips "Sensational" Accuser Claims: I Was "Ambushed and Then Perp Walked"
–– Anchor steam.

‘Cosby Show' Reruns Pulled From Bounce TV Following Guilty Verdict
–– Bounced.

Bill Cosby's Alma Mater to Reconsider Honorary Degree
––To replace with third degree.

What's the likelihood that Bill Cosby will actually go to jail? Legal experts weigh in.
–– Consensus: 'What the hey, hey, hey?'

Trump says he's been too busy to get Melania a birthday present
–– Usually calls Edible Derangements.

Sean Spicer Unveils a Wax Melania, and Says Little More Than She Does
–– Neither waxing philosophical.

Teenager Allegedly Enlisted Friends to Fatally Stab His Mom After First Trying to Poison Her Wine
–– She always taught: If at first you don't decease, try and try again.

Melania Trump's State Dinner Menu Slammed As 'Froo-froo Garbage' By Pundit
–– Erick Erickson can’t spell Eric either.

Now Matt Harvey curses out reporters
–– The Dog Knight.

Trump Says He Did Stay Overnight In Moscow, Claims James Comey Lied In Memo
–– ‘Just not as honestly as me.’

Suspect in Golden State Killer case was a recluse, neighbors say
–– Slay at home dad.

Kanye West on Trump: 'The mob can't make me not love him'
–– Thank God he’s cured.

Stephen Colbert says 'Kellyanne Kanye' has 'lost his mind' after Trump tweets
–– Totally unfair to Conway: she knows she’s lying.

Kim Kardashian reveals she and husband Kanye West have 'different feelings' about Donald Trump
–– Because she doesn’t have engorged appendage.

Trump Is Thinking About Inviting Kanye to the White House for Dinner, Sources Say
–– And serving eggs over Yeezy.

Bear attack survivor is bitten by a shark
–– Rattler waiting patiently for wounds to heal before pouncing.

Ronny Jackson Accused Of Drinking On Duty
–– Had to be smashed to find Trump fit.

Ronny Jackson Faces Inappropriate Workplace Behavior Allegations
–– It’s normal to apply baby oil to hands before asking President to cough.

VA nominee drunkenly banged on female employee's door during overseas trip, sources say
–– Insisting she needed ‘shot of love.’

Sarah Sanders just revealed exactly how Donald Trump 'vetted' Ronny Jackson
–– He vee-veed on his leg.

After Trump Hints V.A. Nominee Might Drop Out, an Aggressive Show of Support
–– Trump Show always aggressive.

White House Withdraws Jackson Nomination for V.A. Chief Amid Criticism
–– Aggressively supported exit.

Indian guru Asaram Bapu found guilty of raping 16-year-old girl
–– Good ol’ Ass-a-ram.

Macron Takes a Risk in Courting Trump, but Has Little to Show for It
–– His amour phooey.

Trump jokingly brushes 'dandruff' off Macron
–– Was part of his soul flaking.

Macron: "We must fight against the ever-growing virus of fake news"
–– With Patient Zero looking on.

Watch: Donald Trump Struggles to Get Melania to Hold His Hand During Ceremony with Emmanuel Macron
–– Paw excuse.

Avicii’s 'True' Album Heading for Top 40 Return on Billboard 200 Chart
–– Features hit single Wake Me Up! Really.

’Shoot me in the head!' the Toronto suspect yelled. The officer refused.
–– Knew it was empty.

These Ants Explode, but Their Nests Live to See Another Day
–– So-called TaNtTs.

Verne Troyer Remembered by Tom Arnold, Seth Green and More: "The Sweetest Guy"
–– Patter of tiny feat.

Trump Voters Driven by Fear of Losing Status, Not Economic Anxiety, Study Finds
–– Not as world-class assholes.

John Bolton presided over anti-Muslim think tank
–– Brooking Prejudice Institution.

At Barbara Bush's funeral, George H.W. Bush honored her work on literacy with his socks
–– Evoked Foote, Socki, Toestoy.

Barbara Bush's Most Prized Possession Was a Gift From Her Husband George H.W. Bush
–– ‘Read My Lips’ pocket rocket.

Twitter Erupts After Obama Makes Melania Trump Smile At Barbara Bush's Funeral
–– Looked like she experienced Big O.

What Does 'Breeding Concept' Mean? White House Won't Explain Trump's Tweet
–– Breeding contempt we assume.

Laverne Cox is 'worried' about beauty lovers on Instagram: 'What is the work we're doing on the inside?'
–– That’s between you, your doctors.

Trevor Noah says Forbes bombshell proves Trump's 'entire origin story was fake'
–– No he is from planet Krapton.

Police try to figure out what suspect did for 35 hours after Waffle House shooting
–– Enjoy take out?

Trump’s NASA Nominee, Jim Bridenstine, Confirmed by Senate on Party-Line Vote
–– Launch bad.

Quentin Tarantino, Leonardo DiCaprio Tease Manson Movie With Brad Pitt
–– Little mean Tate.

Shania Twain apologizes after saying she would have voted for Trump
–– Mock Twain.

The Waffle House shooting suspect thought Taylor Swift was stalking him and showed other signs of delusion
–– Maybe he meant Shania Twain.

Lieu rips Ryan after Waffle House shooting: ‘When will you stop silencing us?’
–– Skip to my Lieu.

This woman carried her in-flight snack off the plane and it cost her $500
–– Nuts!

Bad news for the GOP: 'Comey memos' leak is 'Nunes memo' redux
–– If they knew what ‘redux’ meant.

Newt Gingrich admits Trump 'totally mishandled' Rod Rosenstein's memo about James Comey
–– Wiping bottom on it before release a ‘mistake’.

Waffle House murder suspect Travis Reinking is now in custody
–– Cops will put on griddle.

Remote Controlled: ‘Handmaid’s Tale’ Team on Breaking New Ground in Season 2
–– In same graveyard.

Holstering the K-Pop, South Korea Silences Propaganda at the DMZ
–– Might be main reason Kim is talking.

Sears CEO offers to buy Kenmore brand
–– Because no one else is.

Armenian Prime Minister resigns after protests
–– Setting shining example for all world leaders.

Report: Sean Hannity received HUD help on multimillion dollar property deals
–– And hood help.

Ivana Trump doesn't think Donald should run for re-election
–– Ivana agree with her.

Watch Stephen Colbert get bit by a lizard
–– He had Kellyanne Conway on?

Amnesty International Names Kaepernick Its Ambassador Of Conscience
–– With CTE.

Apparently Trump Jr. Is "Miserable" and "Can't Wait" For the Presidency to Be Over
–– Two unrelated statements.

After Ricky Rubio’s triple-double, Russell Westbrook promises to “shut that s*** off”
–– With imodium.

Donald Trump considering pardon for boxing legend Jack Johnson after Sylvester Stallone's call
–– Counting on Great White Dope.

Westworld star Evan Rachel Wood warns: 'Expect a lot of carnage'
–– 'And boobies.'

Benedict Cumberbatch disses costar's 'pathetic' Sherlock criticism
–– What's on his mind?

EPA chief recorded a single, one-hour meeting on day 1 of Morocco trip
–– Was still able to wipe out entire species.

’Smallville’ Actress Allison Mack Is Charged With Sex Trafficking
–– With little people.

Who Is India Oxenberg? Shocking New Details To Know About Allison Mack's Personal Sex Slave
–– biMack.

Pippa Middleton Is Reportedly Pregnant—at the Same Time as Her Sister Kate Middleton
–– And by same limo mechanic!

U.S. General: Iran and North Korea Will Likely Have Hypersonic Weapons
–– Are they splitting ears?

Carrie Underwood shares close-up of her face, revealing scars
–– You axed for it.

NYT Reporter Hits Back At Trump, Says She Knows Who The 'Drunk/Drugged-Up Loser' Is
–– And which president just seems like one.

Yoenis Cespedes suggests breaking vow to Mets in order to break his slump
–– Vow of celebrity?

Justin Verlander claps back at taunting fan in Chicago: 'No, you suck'
–– Bitch was low.

Trump Attacks Comey and Haberman, Goes on Misspelling Rampage
–– Typo-A personality.

Week of 04/20/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Rudy Giuliani joins Trump legal team, hopes to end Russia probe in ‘a week or two’
–– By convincing Trump to quit?

A comedian broke his penis and wrote a book about it 
–– Dick sporting goods.

Michael Cohen Has Said He Would Take a Bullet for Trump. Maybe Not Anymore.
–– May not take bullet point from him.

Heitkamp becomes first Democrat to pledge support for Pompeo as secretary of state
–– Afraid he'll erupt.

Opposition mounting to CIA Director Mike Pompeo's bid to become secretary of State
–– Even with small s.

Bolton is Not a Big Team Player”: Inside the Looming Bolton-Pompeo Showdown
–– Unless team is Doom Patrol.

Kangaroo Dies After Visitors At Chinese Zoo Hurl Rocks To Force Her To Jump
–– Off skyscraper.

A Marriage Used to Prevent Deportation. Not Anymore.
–– Except to couch.

2 Sheriff’s Deputies Are Killed While Eating at North Florida Restaurant
–– I won’t have what they’re having.

Alabama Executes Mail Bomber, 83, the Oldest Inmate Put to Death in Modern Era
–– Returned to sender.

Pittsburgh police ordered to bring riot gear in case Trump fires Mueller
–– Kind that keeps them from laughing.

Ted Cruz's embarrassing ode to Donald Trump is why people hate politicians
–– Like they needed more reasons with Cruz.

Millionaire who hid treasure in Rocky Mountains says it could be 1,000 years before someone finds it
–– By then will be sunken treasure.

Woman Accused of Trying to Hit Group of People With Car At Funeral Reception
–– Trying to get them group rate.

Cohen’s father-in-law loaned $20M to cab mogul who was in FBI warrant: report
–– Who said he wasn’t big tipper?

Dan Fellman to Replace Bill Mechanic on Academy Board
–– Mechanical failure.

Musicians Refused to Induct Dire Straits Into the Rock Hall Because Mark Knopfler Didn’t Come
–– Straits outta Cleveland.

Trump on Barbara and George W. Bush 73-Year Marriage: ‘I’ll Never Beat that Record’
–– Melania: 'You haven't already?!"

Instagram Star Who Smuggled Drugs For Likes Sentenced to 8 Years in Prison
–– Snow flake.

Trump Official Blames Obama for His $1 Million Office Redesign
–– And voices in head which told him to make that claim.

Embattled Fox Host Sean Hannity Slams CNN's Anderson Cooper as 'More Like Jerry Springer Than a Newscaster'
–– And Hannity more like contestant who married own horse.

Laura Ingraham guest brings up her sponsor exodus, gets kicked off the show immediately
–– Heads to Promised Land.

C.I.A. Chief’s Meeting With Kim Jong-un Is Latest Step in Winding Path to Talks
–– Like drunk in maze.

What did Pompeo and North Korea’s Kim discuss during their meeting? Here are 3 core issues.
–– 2. Pie eating.

Pompeo has been sending messages to Kim Jong Un for longer than you think
–– All those winks, gentle nods.

Cuba will be without a Castro for the first time in nearly 60 years
–– Doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry, ‘Ole!’

National Enquirer Settles Trump-Related Dispute With Ex-Playboy Model
–– Crooked media mogul, adulterous dingbat, venal autocrat, high-quality journalism all win!

Inside Southwest Flight 1380, 20 Minutes of Chaos and Terror
–– In-flight entertainment includes Trump press briefing.

Dick’s Sporting Goods Will Destroy the Assault-Style Weapons It Didn’t Sell
–– Lock, stock and barrel.

Memphis took down two Confederate statues. State lawmakers are punishing the city for it
–– Lost their marbles.

New York Mice Are Crawling With Dangerous Bacteria and Viruses
–– Shoud crawl elsewhere.

Dear Abby: Woman craves intimacy after accident damages husband’s ‘goods’
–– He was sex toy salesman.

California professor stirs outrage, calls Barbara Bush an 'amazing racist'
–– That’s extreme: she was pretty average.

Roger Stone Disses Barbara Bush as a ‘Nasty Drunk’ on News of Her Death
–– Now that’s how you speak ill of the dead.

Ex-Secret Service agent: Barbara Bush's code name was absolutely perfect
–– Poppycock.

Queen Hit 'Extremely Hard' as Last Corgi, Willow, Dies at Windsor Castle
–– By toppling onto Royal.

McConnell: I won't put legislation to protect Mueller on Senate floor
–– ‘Less ah’m gonna stomp on it.’

Haley’s response to WH blame over sanctions: 'I don't get confused'
–– Then you’re only one in entire country.

Russell Crowe to Donate John Oliver's Auction Proceeds
–– After divorce lawyer fees, bar bills, roo abortion payments.

“You Only Hire Cohen for One Reason”: Inside Fox News, Sean Hannity’s Michael Cohen Disclosure Stokes a Crisis as Murdoch Wavers on Trump
–– In Hannity plea.

Israeli intelligence reportedly says Trump's Syria strike failed, didn't take out much of anything
–– Even lunch.

Pressure to Release Comey Memos May Have Backfired on G.O.P.
–– 'Acme Printers' emblazoned on title page should've been hint.

James Comey's wife warned him: 'Don't be the torture guy'
–– ‘That’s President’s job.’

Russian Reporter Maxim Borodin Dies After Mysterious Balcony Fall
–– Railing installed by Kremlin Safety X-perts Ltd.

Russia’s Lavrov Accuses West of 'Genocide by Sanctions' Amid 'Worse' Relations Than Cold War
–– Feels like they've been sentenced to goo log.

Man’s second face transplant is a world first
–– Inspires Travolta to bruit Face/Off sequel.

Dick Cheney finally gets his wish
–– Death of first-born.

Scientists hope new enzyme will 'eat' plastic pollution
–– Also ‘eats’ humans, but it’s a start.

Courtroom Drama: Producer Offers to Stage Disputed ‘Mockingbird’ for Judge
–– Will only charge 1/2 price.

Stormy Daniels Reveals Sketch Of Man Who Allegedly Threatened Her Over Trump Story
–– Or is it guy from last porn film?

Trump Mocks Sketch of Man Who Allegedly Threatened Stormy Daniels
–– After assurance it wasn't depiction of President's junk.

Stormy Daniels wears American flag and 'bares all' on new magazine cover
––Where'd she have balled eagle?

Meek Mill to young black boys: Be careful
–– If I get out early.

China slaps 179% charge on crop from a state that backs Trump
–– He’ll have sore gums explaining that.

Abe faces awkward Trump summit on North Korea amid plummeting support in Japan
–– Honest, Abe.

Baboons break out of a research center using a barrel and savor a fleeting taste of rebellion
–– Take over Texas Sate House for afternoon, no one notices.

Gowdy on Pruitt: 'You need to go into another line of work if you don't want people to be mean to you'
–– We totally agree, you lying, chinless, refugee-from-Deliverance worm.

Trump Scraps New Sanctions Against Russia, Overruling Advisers
–– Will resume complimentary Trump Spring Water delivery to Putin.

Trump furious after France, Germany expelled fewer Russians than US: report
–– He calls on Betsy DeVos to re-enroll Russians.

Michael Cohen's mystery third client is Sean Hannity
–– Other guesses: Alex Jones, el Chapo, Night King.

Flesh-eating ulcer spreading in Australia and reasons remain a mystery
–– Abcess of malice.

MSNBC Drops News Ticker
–– Fans tickered off.

Gray Ghosts, the Last Caribou in the Lower 48 States, Are ‘Functionally Extinct’
–– As name would suggest.

’They Eat Money’: How Mandela’s Political Heirs Grow Rich Off Corruption
–– But stay trim.

Bank of America hauls in biggest profit ever
–– Inspiring to hear they got over 2014 $16.65 bil fine.

7 inmates killed in fights at South Carolina prison
–– GOP lawmakers applaud savings.

Starbucks C.E.O. Apologizes After Arrests of 2 Black Men
–– Protesters order latte venti-ing.

This Is What You Can Expect to Eat at President Donald Trump’s White House Dinner Parties
–– Crow.

Trump asks judge to block prosecutors from reviewing files FBI seized from his lawyer Michael Cohen
–– ‘Pretty please, you CORRUPT, DISHONEST, STUPID judge.’

Rep. Maxine Waters: Trump is most “Deplorable Human Being That I’ve Ever Encountered in My Life”
–– Troubled Waters.

The New Yorker Publishes Hate Piece Against Chick-fil-A’s Christian Ethos
–– Should concentrate on godforsaken taste.

Shark attack halts Australia surf competition
–– Hangs ten teeth in board.

R. Lee Ermey, Profane Drill Sergeant in ‘Full Metal Jacket,’ Dies at 74
–– Has major malfunction.

Elon Musk agrees robot glut slowed Model 3 production
–– Pigged out on nuts and bolts.

Pence’s pick for national security adviser withdraws
–– Slow Lerner.

207 million eggs in nine states recalled over salmonella fears
–– Hens: ‘Kids!’

James Comey: Discussing ‘Pee Tape’ Dossier With Trump Was ‘Out Of Body Experience’
–– And out of undies.

Trump Blasts Comey in Barrage of Tweets, Calling Him ‘Slippery’
–– ‘Why I thought he’d be a natural on pee pee tape.’

James Comey in ABC Interview: Trump Is a Serial Liar, Treats Women Like ‘Meat’ and Is a ‘Stain’ on All Who Work for Him
–– Yellow blotch on Old Glory.

Comey Interview: Impeaching Trump ‘Would Let the American People Off the Hook’
–– To which worm lured them.

White House Admits James Comey Swung the Election to Trump
–– Hung Hill High.

Comey: I'm like a breakup Trump can't get over
–– Refuses to release post-split sexts.

Cynthia Nixon, Battling Cuomo, Wins Endorsement of Progressive Die-Hards
–– Can’t waste vote fast enough.

Mariah Carey Feels "Uplifted" and "Inspired" After Opening Up About Bipolar Disorder
–– At the moment.

Sally Yates cautions against firing Rod Rosenstein
–– And we know how Trump respects her.

Stonefish are already scary, and now scientists have found they have switchblades in their heads
–– AG Sessions establishing aquatic anti-gang unit.

Kentucky governor says teachers' strike left children vulnerable to sexual assault
–– In his household.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' director Milos Forman dies at 86
–– Czech's out.

Syria fired 40 missiles 'at nothing' after allied air strikes destroyed three Assad chemical sites
–– Targeted White House?

Trump declares 'mission accomplished' in Syria strike
–– Too fat for Bush's flight suit.

’Mission Accomplished!’ But What Is the Mission in Syria?
–– Iraq-scale failure.

Pentagon Says Syria Strikes Hit ‘Heart’ of Chemical Weapons Program
–– Vein attempt.

Russia responds to Syria airstrike, warns of 'consequences'
–– No 'truth'.

Week of 04/13/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump raised 'golden showers thing' with Comey
–– So-called ‘trickle-down’ theory.

Mattis announces Syrian air strikes
–– Mattis hell, not gonna take it anymore.

Comey says Trump asked if he could disprove salacious prostitute allegations in 'dossier'
–– Water them down.

Comey: Trump asked me to investigate ‘pee tape’ to reassure Melania
–– Was known for his wet work at Bureau.

Kellyanne Conway Slams Comey For Comments About Trump Pee Tape: ‘None of His Business’
–– ‘Them doing their business.’

James Comey slams 'the forest fire that is the Trump presidency' in book
–– They’re praying for golden showers.

Trump Calls Comey ‘Untruthful Slime Ball’ as Book Details Released
–– Seeking common ground.

Trump Fires Back at ‘Untruthful Slime Ball’ James Comey: ‘LEAKER & LIAR’
–– ‘And I don’t like LIARS.

The US just bombed Syria. What happens next?
–– Assad state of affairs.

What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity
–– Can pay pretty well if they’re running for president.

Alleged coke on doctor’s penis cost lover her life
–– During snow job?

Hillary Clinton Was Going to Win Election, Comey Writes, And That’s Why He Announced His Email Probe
–– "Missed it by that much!"

This is what Obama told Comey after Trump's election
–– Aaarrrrgggghhhh!

Trump Called Michael Cohen as Their Lawyers Went to Court Over Seized Trump Documents
–– Weeping, sputtering heard on both ends.

Elliott Broidy, RNC deputy finance chair, resigns amid reports of Playmate payoff
–– Broidy photo explains mystery of why she didn’t keep baby.

Elon Musk's brash promise: Tesla will soon make money
–– Driverless bills.

‘Versailles’, The Steamiest Series on Netflix, Cancelled As Viewers “Tire Of Constant Sex Scenes”
–– Weary of 'streaming' during each episode.

Georgina Chapman Plots a Post-Harvey Comeback for Marchesa: "We All Support Her"
–– Has she aged like fine Weinstein?

Karl Lagerfeld On #MeToo: "If You Don’t Want Your Pants Pulled About, Don’t Become a Model!"
–– Crotchety, Karl.

Free Meek Mill: There’s precious little justice in America’s justice system
–– So spring parole violator, have less.

The real reason Costco’s hot dogs cost $1.50
–– Rats easy to catch.

Mitzi Shore, Whose Comedy Store Fostered Rising Stars, Dies at 87
–– Shore leave.

“The Future Is Here": A Design Conversation With Kanye West
–– Striving for diversity in crazy.

Company apologizes for job ad seeking 'Anglo Saxons'
–– Task was driving Romans from Britain.

White House is prepping an effort to undermine Rosenstein
–– No one yet has looked up ‘obstruction of justice’.

Kudlow Plays ‘Happy Warrior’ Role in Counseling Trump
–– With that sour puss?

President Trump poised to pardon Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, sources say
–– One scumbag he previously missed.’

Pompeo imagines a situation where the US would make a first strike against North Korea
–– Wets self.

Senators: NAFTA was written in the age of floppy disks; it's time for an update
–– Now era of floppy dicks.

Trump Tower doorman reportedly brokered $30,000 tabloid deal over salacious Trump paternity rumor
–– Lindsay Lohan denies he’s dad.

Ex-Wife of Doorman Accusing Trump of Having Love Child Calls Him a ‘Liar’
–– Was job qualification.

Wedding venue is 'mortified' after accidentally sending bride an email calling her a 'cow'
–– Udderly.

Senators Urge Secretary of State Pick to Avoid Trump’s ‘Worst Instincts’
— Like choosing him?

Warners Bros. Cuts Final Ties With Brett Ratner, Won’t Renew $450-Million Co-Financing Deal
–– A wise decision punishing abusers, empowering women.

Milli Vanilli Biopic Producers Hope End of Ratner Deal Could Revive Long-Gestating Project
–– Bring back Ratner!

‘King of Kong’ Star Stripped of High Scores, Banned From Competition
–– Found tilty.

‘You remember, don't you, Mr. Cosby?' witness asks in court after describing alleged assault
–– Cosby, ‘Sure, baby, you were the one dozin’, hey, hey, hey!’

Report: Woman says Missouri Gov. Eric Greitens coerced her into sexual encounter
–– Took advantage while she was in ‘show me’ state.

Gulf Stream system at its weakest in 1,600 years, study shows
–– Arctic Circumpolar Current threatens to ‘kick its ass.’

Trump Court Pick Thinks Planned Parenthood ‘Kills Over 150,000 Females A Year’
–– But never the right ones.

Scott Pruitt’s Idea to Update an E.P.A. Keepsake: Less E.P.A., More Pruitt
–– Medallion features engraving of dodo.

Eve Says Janet Jackson Took Care Of Her After Her Drink Got Drugged At A Party
–– Adam says her brother hit on him when he was underage.

Rosenstein personally approved FBI raid against Trump lawyer Michael Cohen: NYT
–– Rod never harder.

Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen Joked About His 2.0 GPA, Old Classmate Says
–– It was at prestigious Western Michigan University Cooley Law School.

‘Rogue One' Writer Reveals the Big Problem With Writing a Star Wars Movie
–– Being over age 12.

Carrie Underwood Gives Fans An Update On Her Face After Getting 50 Stitches
–– Looks sew-sew.

Trump Is So Angry, He Mostly Just Eats and Watches TV: Report
–– And sexts Roseanne.

Bryce Harper's hair is so fabulous that he uses two hair dryers to keep it in shape
–– Does that explain desiccated brain?

A sperm whale that washed up on a beach in Spain had 64 pounds of plastic and waste in its stomach
–– 33-foot metaphor for planet.

Internet trolls Zuckerberg for using booster cushion
–– Made ‘Ya-hoooo’ sound when he sat.

Hilary Swank snaps selfie with fan as doppelganger
–– Apparition invisible.

Trump signs measure aimed at curbing online sex trafficking
–– Encourages procurers to ‘buy American’.

Corker: Tax cuts ‘could be one of worst votes I’ve made’
–– 'But there are so many to choose from.'

Mulvaney jokes about running for Speaker: 'I don't think you have to be a member'
–– Oh, you’re a member, alright.

Sinclair chief to Trump in 2016: 'We are here to deliver your message'
–– David D. Smith: 'Think of me as your personal newsboy.'

Sen. Kennedy to Mark Zuckerberg: 'Your user agreement sucks'
–– Adds with wink: 'Or should ah say zucks?'

Zuckerberg says his personal data was shared
–– Can you feel our pain?

Trump tells Russia to 'get ready' for Syria missile attacks
–– Will provide helpful map, schedule before ceremonial bombing.

Why Trump chickened out of going to Peru
–– Afraid illegals would stow away on Airforce One.

House Speaker Paul Ryan will not run for re-election
–– Can leave with head held high …up Trump’s ass.

GOP lawmaker's announcement 'upstaged' by Ryan
–– Rats jostling each other abandoning sinking ship.

Paul Ryan: No 'devil's bargain' with Trump
–– ‘Nope, I’m as evil as he is.’

What's behind Paul Ryan's sudden exit
–– 435 pairs of arms.

Former House Speaker Boehner 'has evolved' on marijuana
–– Dinosaur now favors blunt chasers for bourbon binges.

Fertility doctor is father to 11 of clients' kids, lawsuit says
–– AT DIY clinic.

Milwaukee Television Reporter Punches Rival Broadcaster at Brewers Game
–– Barley hops to it.

Trump 'certainly believes he has the power' to fire Mueller, White House says
–– 'Also believes he can move objects with mind.'

Lou Dobbs Flips Out On Live TV, Urges Trump To 'Fire The SOB' Robert Mueller
–– Special needs counsel.

Chris Christie Tells Donald Trump He Can’t Fire Robert Mueller
–– ‘Rhymes with cruller…and I love them.’

Schumer to Trump: Don't even think about it
–– Just tell him Obama would've done it.

Trump blames Mueller probe for tensions with Russia
–– His Putin back rubs now impossible.

He Ate the World’s Hottest Pepper, Then Landed in the Hospital With ‘Thunderclap’ Headaches
–– And ‘landslide’ diarrhea.

Queen jokes on TV: 'It sounds like President Trump'
–– Listening to Benny Hill reruns.

T.J. Miller arrested for alleged fake bomb threat
–– Trying to get self written back onto Silicon Valley.

Strawberries again top 2018's 'Dirty Dozen' fruits and veggies
–– To be sent to Damascus on suicide mission.

John Bolton pushes out Tom Bossert as homeland security adviser
–– Yes, you need scorecard, and it’s only bottom of second.

Deputy national security adviser Nadia Schadlow resigns on Bolton's third day at White House
–– Shat low.

Rachel McAdams Welcomes Baby Boy (Report)
–– At front door.

Anthony Scaramucci: 'Roseanne' Is the Show America Needs Right Now
–– If you needed another reason not to watch.

Stan Lee Needs a Hero: Elder Abuse Claims and a Battle Over the Aging Marvel Creator
–– Beset by The Vulture, Absorbing Man, Kraven the Lawyer.

Zuckerberg to Admit Shortcomings in Testimony
–– And submit pix of Lil’ Zucker.

Amid ad boycott, Laura Ingraham says she won't be silenced by 'the left'
–– Like commies who run Office Depot, Liberty Mutual, Honda, Ruby Tuesday.

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak 'disgusted' with Facebook, deactivates account
–– Woz up?

Trump Denounces F.B.I. Raid on His Lawyer’s Office as ‘Attack on Our Country’
–– Trumpsteros.

Russell Crowe Reaps Shocking Sum In Divorce Auction Of His Stuff
–– What’s eating Crowe.

Democrats Did Little To Stop A Climate-Denying Coal Lobbyist From Getting EPA’s No. 2 Spot
–– Sat there like lumps.

Sinclair Host Resigns After Threat to Sexually Assault David Hogg With ‘Hot Poker’
–– To go hole Hogg.

Trump Advisor Mocks David Hogg for Taking a Gap Year Before College
–– As opposed to her crap year.

Feds Are Treating Michael Cohen Like a Mob Lawyer, Trump Allies Say
–– Or ‘appropriately’.

Comey Says Trump Is Like a 'Mob Boss' in Upcoming Interview
–– We take extreme exception with ‘like’.

Top Judiciary Republican: It's 'suicide for the President to fire' Mueller
–– 'C'mon, give it a shot.'

Eric Bristow, the First Superstar of Darts, Is Dead at 60
–– Bullseye.

Chuck McCann, Zany Comic in Early Children’s TV, Dies at 83
–– McCanned.

F.B.I. Raids Office of Trump’s Longtime Lawyer Michael Cohen; Trump Calls It ‘Disgraceful’
–– He refers to Cohen as 'It'?

Packers WR Trevor Davis Arrested for Making Bomb Joke at LAX Airport
–– Routine bombed.

Kevin Smith Sets Stand-Up Special at Showtime
–– Funny as a heart attack.

Zoe Saldana Slams Hollywood "Elitists" Who Think Marvel Actors Are "Selling Out"
–– She sold out from

Lindsey Buckingham Leaves Fleetwood Mac
–– Residents of Boomers Retirement Home mildly upset.

Ralphie May’s widow says he hid tour bus from her in their divorce
–– By standing in front of it.

Topless protester detained at Cosby retrial
–– By defendant.

Why Rick Scott's Senate candidacy is very, very good news for Republican
–– Because they’re very, very sick.

New Trump adviser is 'not much of a carrot man'
–– But is completely Bugs.

Art Collector and Bon Vivant Dies in Trump Tower Home He Couldn’t Sell
–– Taste in real estate sucked.

Hungary’s Euroskeptic leader Orban claims victory
–– Nothing but a pest.

Seeing the Pope help strangers made me tear up. Later I learned why.
–– Allergies.

Ted Nugent likens Democrats, media, academics to 'rabid coyotes'
–– Nugent like ‘WIle E. Coyote.’

Trump blames Putin, Obama for 'Animal Assad,' tweets 'big price' after reports of Syrian chemical attack
–– Assad rain is gonna fall, babe.

Week of 04/06/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump doubles down on defence of EPA chief Scott Pruitt: He’s 'under siege'
–– Donald J. Trump: Champion of the Indefensible!

How to Serve a Deranged Tyrant, Stoically
–– A WH primer.

Lobbyist couple had to change the locks on Pruitt
–– Was still able to seep under door.

Trump floated replacing Sessions with Pruitt this week despite scandals
–– Like globule of raw sewage in reservoir.

Navarro: Pruitt makes DeVos look like Einstein
–– And DeVos makes Kardashian look like Hawking.

E.P.A. Officials Sidelined After Questioning Scott Pruitt
–– Vomiting.

Liberals don't really care about Pruitt's ethics
–– No, statutory rape of Mother Nature more disturbing.

JFK's 'secret' doomsday map revealed
–– Included Marilyn Monroe’s bedroom.

U.S. envoy Haley says she shares Bolton's disdain for U.N.
–– U.N. returns sentiment equally.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan says son's 'little head exploded' at his first movie premiere
–– Should’ve filmed that for The Walking Dead.

Trump to skip annual White House correspondents' dinner
–– Will stay home polishing his 'Emmy.'

Leather Maker Preserved His Mummified Mother's Body In Freezer For Years, Police Say
–– Really really cold case.

Concerned evangelical Christians ‘to meet with Trump to discuss Stormy Daniels’
–– And get phone number.

Is Stormy Daniels agreement valid if Trump didn't know about it?
–– Is concept of democratic rule?

Tucker Carlson: ‘Normal People Can’t Live’ in California, State Dominated by ‘Tech Oligarchs’
–– He will ask if he ever meets any.

Lewandowski to Democrats: I'm not answering your 'f---ing' questions
–– 'So leave Hope Hicks out of it.'

South Korean court jails former president Park for 24 years
–– Park herself in cell.

Cynthia Nixon Says Trump's Win Inspired Her to Run for N.Y. Governor
–– We’ll categorize that as misdemeanor, not high crime.

Facebook: Most Users May Have Had Public Data Scraped
–– As per their business model.

Sheryl Sandberg Says Facebook Thought Cambridge Analytica "Data Had Been Deleted"
–– Poor dears were too trusting?

Lorde Apologizes for Bathtub Post With Whitney Houston Lyric on Instagram
–– In hot water.

This Gun Maker Wanted Safe Guns
–– Replaced bullets with jelly beans.

Salman Khan, Bollywood Superstar, Is Convicted of Killing Antelopes
–– Didn't realize they qualified as cows.

Queen Sofía and Queen Letizia Face Off, and Spain Is Aghast
–– Or ugh, gassed.

The Conspiracy Theory That Says Trump Is a Genius
–– So-called Gassy Troll.

An Illinois town just banned assault weapons. The penalty if you keep one? Up to $1,000 a day
–– Quite the clip.

Watch Ted Cruz's Reaction When Asked To Take A DNA Test To Prove He's Human
–– Referred constituent to manufacturer.

Peele to Produce Lorena Bobbitt Docuseries
–– We know who gets final cut.

Trump says women coming to US "are raped at levels that nobody has ever seen before"
–– Due to their relative height?

Ex-Treasury secretary compares Trump to Mussolini
–– A bald-headed lie!

The Reason Melania Trump Really Hates Living in the White House With Donald Trump
–– Clue in headline.

Stormy Daniels's lawyer: '60 Minutes' left out description of Trump genitalia
–– Angling for Peabody Award.

After being fired, Dr. Evil talks about his time in the Trump administration
–– Brags how he and 1% cminions got $200 billion ransom.

Did Channing Tatum Cheat on Jenna Dewan? Actor Admitted He Struggled to Balance Work and Family
–– And chippie.

Oregon governor: I'll say no if Trump asks me to deploy National Guard troops to Mexico border
–– And keep them guarding free range non-GMO chickens.

EPA chief had no fixed DC address for a month after leaving $50-a-day condo: report
–– Was sleeping in lobbyists’ limos after sex.

82 pounds of Mexican candy in trunk ‘felt granular.’ That’s because it wasn’t candy, Alabama cops say
–– Was sandy.

Have Christian nationalists staged a “soft coup,” with Trump as their figurehead?
–– Or “coup-coup”?

How Did a Miles-Long Crevice Appear in the Earth Overnight?
–– Planet bent over, split crust?

Brutally honest Johnny Manziel says if Browns had done homework, they would have known he was lazy
–– The pot calling the kettle lax.

Woman fat-shamed by bakery customers gets revenge by buying all the cupcakes
–– Yeah, because that’ll make ‘em…hunh?

The love songs they are a-changing: Bob Dylan records She's Funny That Way as He's Funny That Way
–– And he apparently isn’t.

Philippines closes 'cesspool' tourist island of Boracay
–– Duterte wants for private wallow.

Amazon Has Lots of Company as Trump Slams ‘Stupid’ Businesses
–– You might also hate these businesses.

Sinclair chairman David Smith: Print media has 'no credibility,' 'lack of integrity'
–– Bragging about influence.

Ex-director: Sinclair sent threatening memos
–– Sinclair lowest.

‘Roseanne’ Boss Asks Viewers to Separate Revival From Controversial Star's Persona
–– Because star and character have vastly different bank accounts.

Marcus Morris Apologizes for Slapping Referee's Butt After Ejection vs. Raptors
–– Cheeky devil.

The F.B.I. and the Mystery of the Mummy’s Head
–– Tom Cruise sequel may get new title.

McMaster: 'We have failed to impose sufficient costs' on Russia
–– The Royal Wee.

Trump’s smearing of Jill McCabe is an outrage we can't ignore
–– Sorry, needle already flew off outrage monitor.

YouTube shooter's brother said he warned police in advance
–– Needed to post video.

Terminally ill man gets dying wish to see dog
–– Dog was kinda hoping for treat.

Unusual forms of 'nightmare' antibiotic-resistant bacteria detected in 27 states
–– Typical ‘nightmare' antibiotic-resistant bacteria no worry.

Chinese defense chief says his trip to Russia is a signal to the US
–– Would have better luck getting through by running ad on Fox & Friends.

Bed, Bath & Beyond will exchange your Toys 'R' Us gift cards
–– For used bars of soap.

Russo Brothers Implore Fans to Not Spoil 'Avengers: Infinity War'
–– 'That was our job.'

Wall Street to Trump: No trade wars. And lay off Amazon
–– He can fire them?

Melania Trump runs White House from 'behind the scenes', new book claims
–– Because she can translate Russian instructions.

A Border Patrol Agent (and Frequent Fox News Guest) Has Trump’s Ear on Immigration
–– And, yes, he’s bald, fat, white, dumb-looking.

’Ace of Cakes' star gets engaged with twine
–– And cheese.

There Is a Middle Ground on Guns
–– In cemetery.

‘I Can’t Stop’: Schools Struggle With Vaping Explosion
–– Administrators fuming.

Will Trump Crash the Farm Economy?
–– Plow it under?

Howard University meets 1 of 9 student protest demands
–– Remedial math for administrators should be 10th.

US and British soldiers killed in Syria were on ISIS 'kill or capture' mission
–– So ISIS killed.

Marijuana legalization could help offset opioid epidemic, studies find
–– Case of beer could replace bottle of vodka.

Poisoned Door Handle Hints at High-Level Plot to Kill Spy, U.K. Officials Say
–– Knob Hell.

Sinclair Made Dozens of Local News Anchors Recite the Same Script
–– It’s called ‘real news’.

Teachers walk out in Oklahoma and Kentucky
–– HS students must tackle Curious George on own.

Giancarlo Stanton Finally Has Smash Brother in Yankees Teammate Aaron Judge
–– Smashing bumpkins.

Kim Jong Un attends K-pop concert in Pyongyang
–– Gangrene style.

Winnie Mandela, South African anti-apartheid activist, dies at 81
–– And soccer mom gone bad.

Putin unleashes 'Satan 2' missile in a blaze of glory
–– Fireworks erupt from little ‘Vlad 2.’

Are Trump and his national security team on same page?
–– Yes, #1 of Art of War.

New book alleges Conway is the 'No.1 leaker'
–– What she was doing kneeling on Oval Office couch.

Mary Kay Letourneau Reportedly Steps in at the Scene After Student-Turned-Husband Was Arrested
–– Tried to provide cops hall pass.

Donald and Melania Trump Present United Front for Easter
–– She still refuses to play 'Hide the Egg' with him in private.

Jimmy Carter To Colbert: 'Apparently' America Wanted a Jerk For a President
–– Trash Carter.

Father Allegedly Forced Daughter To Sleep On Bathroom Floor Because He Thought She Was Going To Kill Him
–– He must’ve had strong bladder.

President Trump declaring April ‘National Sexual Assault Awareness Month’ totally backfires
–– He’ll really keep eyes open for opportunities.

Flynn’s son: Parkland student Hogg’s parents didn’t ‘smack’ him enough growing up
–– Shows off massive dent in head his dad left.

Captured ISIS Militants Describe the Execution of U.S.'s James Foley and Other Western Hostages as 'Regrettable'
–– Fatwhoops.

Jesus in Film and TV: 18 Devilishly Handsome Actors Who've Played the Son of God
–– All end up well hung.

Stephen Glover Says Proposed Taylor Swift 'Deadpool' Episode Was "Last Straw"
–– One with hole in it.

Jesus Christ Superstar: Where to watch and what to expect
–– No miracles.

Jason Clarke on Ted Kennedy and ‘Chappaquiddick’: ‘It’s Dostoyevsky’
–– Film is crime and punishment.

Ted Kennedy Scandal Pic 'Chappaquiddick' Tracking for Lowly Nationwide Debut
–– Underwater?

Eddie Redmayne Spoke at Stephen Hawking’s Funeral
–– Through crackly, humming PA system.

Catherine Breillat Says Asia Argento Is a ‘Traitor,’ Harvey Weinstein Isn’t That Bad, and She’s Against #MeToo
–– Everyone in Twitterverse: ‘of course we calmly respect her right to her opinion.’

Hollywood’s Gay Double Standard: Why So Many Actresses Can Come Out, But Young Actors Stay in the Closet
–– Because lesbians are hot, bro.

Trump Says DACA Is ‘Dead,’ and Calls on Mexico to Enforce Border Security
–– Blames Democrats for 2,000 years of Hispanic culture.

Trump Employs "Nuclear Option" to End DACA Deal
–– Targeting East LA with ICBMs.

Garry Shandling’s Twitter Account Revived by Friends
–– Shandling with care.

Lin-Manuel Miranda Announces Musical of Tommy Wiseau's 'The Room' on April Fool's Day
–– C'mon, Wiseau up.

Lin-Manuel Miranda Has Shingles, Quarantined From Baby Son
–– Will he use on exterior of 'The Room'?

Vladimir Putin Spokesman Calls Harvey Weinstein Accusers “Prostitutes"
–– Or ‘co-workers.’

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