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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
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Week of 03/30/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Stormy’s lawyer on Cohen: He's a thug
–– Provides positive ID.

Trump Tells Friends That Stormy Daniels Is Not His Type
–– Too classy.

Trump's Lawyer Has a Lawyer. Watch a Live Studio Audience Laugh at Him on National TV.
–– Schwartz and all.

White House Still Denies Trump-Stormy Daniels Affair: ‘False Charges Are Settled Out of Court All the Time’
–– ‘And fake election results are often validated.’

Trump Has Screwed His Voters Repeatedly, Ann Coulter, 'In Trump We Trust' Author, Tweets While Making Stormy Daniels Joke
–– Trumpin’ uglies.

‘Heartbroken’ Trump Critic Ann Coulter: He’s a ‘Shallow, Lazy Ignoramus’
–– ‘God, I wish he was single.’

Mike Pence Silent on Stormy Daniels Saga Despite Refusing to Dine Alone With Any Woman Who Isn't His Wife
–– For $50 Stormy would eat both.

Why did Trump allegedly tell both Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal they remind him of his daughter?
–– Father knows breasts.

Stephen Colbert Wants Donald Trump Spanked Regularly After Stormy Daniels Reveals It Improved His Behavior
–– Whack a mold.

Trump not punching back on Stormy Daniels because he 'has a country to run'
–– Into the ground.

Roger Stone: Sam Nunberg Is a ‘Lying Asshole’ and ‘Psycho’
–– Isn’t word ‘like’ missing after colon?

The Hollywood Followers of Nxivm, a Women-Branding Sex Cult
–– Hollywood’s all about personal branding.

Trump promise to get out of Syria 'very soon' could be a win for Russia
–– Premature evacuation.

Wooing Saudi Business, Tabloid Mogul Had a Powerful Friend: Trump
–– Pecker is Tabloid Mongrel.

Eric Trump mocked for sharing Jeopardy! clue about himself and Jared Kushner
–– Category: Shits, clue: Two.

He's 13 and he's running to be the next governor of Vermont
–– And honorary great grandson of Bernie Sanders.

'Clueless' star Stacey Dash withdraws from congressional race
–– Hopes Dashed.

Meet the world's most adorable My Little Pony fangirl
–– If you’ve had your insulin.

Anthony Edwards reveals how his Top Gun character got the name 'Goose'
–– While pinching reporter.

SpaceX just launched, did it land the nose cone on a boat?
–– Which is nothing to sniff at.

Black students at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School want to be heard
–– So turn up mic.

Coffee may come with a cancer warning label in California
–– Mommy Statism to be categorized as psychological disorder.

Wes Anderson's 'Isle of Dogs': Is Cultural Appropriation Hollywood's Next Big Battleground?
–– Are dogs bitching?

Senator: Pruitt security included Disneyland, Rose Bowl trips
–– Dumped oil off It’s a Small World boat, sprayed roses with DDT.

Don Imus retires after 50 years of radio, congratulates himself on the way out
–– Imus in the mourning.

‘Fox & Friends' Co-Host Pete Hegseth Passed Over for Trump Cabinet
–– Leaving one host there.

E.P.A. Prepares to Roll Back Rules Requiring Cars to Be Cleaner and More Efficient
–– Ass guzzler.

President Trump Called Roseanne Barr to Congratulate Her on Ratings Success
–– ‘No Apprentice, but good for a fat old broad. Congrats!’

Roseanne: President Trump Has Freed Children From "Pimps All Over This World"
–– Whore you kidding?

Screenwriter James Ivory Criticizes ‘Call Me by Your Name’s’ Lack of Frontal Nudity
–– Didn’t tickle the Ivory.

Sean Payton on helmet rule: “You’ll still see the physicality”
–– “Of those big, beefy, beautiful men.”

Man Claims Wife Is ‘Allergic To Everything,’ Including Having Sex With Him
–– Has lay fever.

Mom feared autistic son would be a burden. So she tried to saw his head off, Maryland cops say
–– Would make him easier to carry.

The Real Reason Why Eric and Donald Trump Jr. Are Jealous of Jared Kushner
–– He gets to sleep with sister.

Critics call new mom Kylie Jenner a 'narcissist' for focusing on her hair
–– Can’t focus on what’s under it.

What Is Super Gonorrhea? Man Has First-Ever Case of Antibiotic Resistant Superbug
–– Worst DC villain ever.

Ecuador Cuts WikiLeaks Founder Assange's Internet At Embassy
–– Should also trim hair, Pamela Anderson visits.

Woman Arrested After Raunchy Come-On To Easter Bunny
–– Whispered in floppy ear, ‘Guess what I fuck like?’

Trump kids jab Jeb after Bush says his children 'actually love me'
–– Trump: ‘My kids love you, too…for losing.’

Mets Legend Rusty Staub Dies at 73 Due to Multiple Organ Failure
–– Le Grand Orange crushed.

Shulkin blasts 'toxic, chaotic, disrespectful' Washington in farewell op-ed
–– ‘Wow, I could’ve had a VA.’

‘Sharknado’ set to end with No. 6
–– Viewers of 1 thru 5 sue to reclaim lost hours of life.

Tired of having to check work email after hours? New Yorkers may not have to, if this bill passes
–– Even one that says ‘You’re fired’?

I Had an Affair With a Co-Worker. He Betrayed Me. Now What?
–– Shut up.

MLB Warns Yankees: Aaron Judge, Giancarlo Stanton Beer Foam Art Violates Rules
–– Head-scratcher.

Former Disney star joins White House press team
–– Alongside Dopey, Goofy.

Candace Cameron Bure Says Jesus Is the Secret to Her 22-Year Marriage
–– And he won’t admit to affair.

Top Southern Baptist official resigns over 'morally inappropriate' relationship
–– Jesus still not talking.

Fox News demands Bill Clinton scandals from the 90s get as much attention as Stormy Daniels
–– Because Fox 20 years out-of-date.

NRA, Gunmakers Should've Feared the 'Trump Slump' Instead of President Hillary Clinton
–– In latest slang for projectile dysfunction.

Documents Reveal Arizona Governor and Uber Kept Self-Driving Cars ‘Secret’
–– Wanted fatality to be surprise.

Academy President John Bailey Cleared of Harassment Complaint
–– Just Bailey.

Joe Arpaio Claims He ‘Proved’ Obama Birth Certificate Is ‘Fake’ and Will Resume Debunked ‘Birther’ Movement If Elected
–– Will need extra-big buttons for new slogan.

Kim Jong Un Goes to Beijing: North Korean Dictator Makes First Foreign Trip As Leader
–– Like visiting relatives in old country.

Kim Jong Un Wife's Stylish Fashion Sense is a Hit in China
–– Love Dolci and Cabana suit, Prodder shoes, Channel bag.

Howard Stern tells Donald Trump to 'get the f*** out of the White House'
–– Maybe he can be lured away with porn actresses, Filets-o-fish.

Remains found in shallow grave thought to belong to missing model
–– Just because it’s shallow?

Who Bit Beyoncé? Why It Probably Wasn't Queen Latifah, Rihanna, Jennifer Lawrence, or Anyone Else on This List
–– Joe Biden?

Corey Feldman: I Was ‘Stabbed’ by an LA ‘Wolfpack’ Last Night
–– And bitten?

The Women Trump Underestimated Are Coming Back to Bite Him
–– He never paid for that.

Pastor Says If Jesus Supported 'Demon Possessed Traitor,' Evangelicals Can Support Trump
–– Cites newly-discovered scroll in Aramaic: Reelect Judas!

Santorum: Evangelicals forgive Trump for sins
–– Provide list of others they’d ignore.

Walmart will stop selling Cosmopolitan magazine in checkout lines
–– Covers body shamed customers.

Orange County votes to join feds to oppose California's 'sanctuary' law
–– Officially adopts Trump face as district symbol.

More than 4,000 eggs and embryos lost in Cleveland fertility clinic tank failure
–– Or 334 dozen.

Designer of World’s Tallest Waterslide Charged With Murder After Ride Decapitates Young Boy
–– Gun manufacturers not charged in 15,549 homicides last year.

Newfound 'organ' could be the biggest in your body
–– If you bend over in locker room shower.

Trump suggests US military foot the bill for border wall
–– Mexican army?

Israel Prime Minister Netanyahu hospitalized with fever
–– Waste Nile.

Orange snow blankets parts of Russia
–– Yellow snow around Kremlin.

Loesch: The Left Wants 'Gun Confiscation,' But They Won't Come Out and Say It
–– Still closeted in gun locker.

Retired Justice Stevens argues for repeal of Second Amendment
–– Set issue on tee…

Trump defends Second Amendment after Stevens' op-ed
–– …and even he can hit it.

The US needs to borrow almost $300 billion this week
–– Mostly for Trump defense.

Astonishing Admission of Cheating Rocks Australian Cricket
–– By Jiminy!

Elon Musk's Father Errol Says Child With Stepdaughter Was 'God's Plan'
–– Lending credence to theory God is dirty old man.

Kelly Ripa Reveals 1 Major Difference Between Regis Philbin and Ryan Seacrest
–– Pulse.

Sean Penn Lights Up Cigarettes During Interview With Stephen Colbert
–– Poison Penn.

Stormy Daniels’ Lawyer Seeks to Depose Donald Trump
–– We’re all seeking that.

Tom Arnold Reviews 'Roseanne' Reboot: If I Can Watch, So Can You
–– Yeah, but you clearly hate self.

Where fat goes when you lose weight
–– Chris Christie.

Cynthia Nixon calls Cuomo 'Andrew the Bully,' compares him to Trump
–– While talking like Trump.

Sarah Jessica Parker Endorses Cynthia Nixon’s Run for Governor
–– As does guy who played pizza deliveryman in Season 2 of Sex in the City.

Olivia de Havilland’s ‘Feud’ Suit Tossed by Appeals Court
–– Fast Feud delivery.

8-inch growth spurt has him skipping NCAA for NBA
–– And porn films.

Former MLB Slugger Albert Belle Arrested on Indecent Exposure, DUI Charges at Spring Training
–– Called out on balls.

Fund-Raiser Held Out Access to Trump as a Prize for Prospective Clients
–– Lots of donors would like to get hands on him.

White House: Trump still wants to work with Russia
–– ‘The President is turned on by bad boys.’

Wrongly-convicted man gets job back with the White Sox after 23 years in prison
–– Asks: ’So how many World Series have they won?’

Sources: Zinke tells employees diversity isn't important
–– Particularly bio-diversity, he prefers extinctions.

Space station the size of bus to fall from sky
–– Check schedule for stops.

Mark Zuckerberg has regrets: 'I'm really sorry that this happened'
–– ‘I had to interrupt yoga retreat.’

Here’s How Sarah Huckabee Sanders Landed Her High-Profile Job at the Trump White House
–– No one else tore off job listing stub on laundromat bulletin board.

No one else tore off stub Flat-earther blasts off in homemade rocket in bid to reassure himself world is shaped 'like a Frisbee'
–– To be appointed NASA’s top earthologist.

Trump to Friends: White House operating 'like a smooth machine'
–– A guillotine?

Zuck apologizes for Cambridge Analytica scandal with full-page print ad
–– Asks people who forgive him for SSNs, bank PINS.

Andrew McCabe: 'I woke to find the president of the United States celebrating my punishment'
–– ‘And I just had dream

Steve King mocks Emma Gonzalez in response to March For Our Lives
–– IA Congressman: ‘Oh, you sound smart…NOT!’

NRA Takes Aim At ‘March For Our Lives' Rally, Mocks Gun Violence Survivors
–– NRA: ‘I’m metal, you’re flesh. Whatever bounces off me passes through you!’

Bataclan Attack Survivor Jesse Hughes Calls March For Our Lives 'Pathetic'
–– Weasel of Death Metal.

Parkland Survivor Slams Fox News Host: ‘Coming From A 14-Year-Old, Please Grow Up’
–– Host: ‘I have older talking points than you!’

Jimmy Carter Says Don’t Impeach Trump Even If Mueller Finds Dirt on President in Russia Investigation
–– Time to retire to ol’ peanut farm.

At a Crucial Juncture, Trump’s Legal Defense Is Largely a One-Man Operation
–– Repeats of Matlock.

Rick Scott teases a 'big announcement' amid Florida Senate speculation
–– He is Slender Man!

Santorum: Instead of calling for gun laws, kids should take CPR classes
–– Kids to Santorum: give us reason to use it on you.

Santorum: Kids want 'someone else to solve their problem'
–– Yeah, why don’t ungrateful punks pass own gun laws?

No, Emma Gonzalez did not tear up a photo of the Constitution
–– It was NRA charter.

Trump, Joining Allies, Expels 60 Russians Over Poisoning in U.K.
–– Where they were attending spy school.

Russia’s ambassador to the US calls the expulsion a "grave mistake"
–– "Not like letting Skripal's daughter live, but serious."

Remington, Centuries-Old Gun Maker, Files for Bankruptcy as Sales Slow
–– Bleeding red ink or is that blood?

Remington gets $75 million lifeline.
–– Make that deathline.

Gary Lincoff, 75, Dies; Spread the Joy of Mushrooms Far and Wide
–– Will grave sprout after rain?

Trump’s midterms rallying cry: 'I need allies'
–– In latest slang for enablers.

The Austin bomber called himself a 'psychopath' in his confession video
–– Scores points for honesty.

Former Brexit volunteer alleges campaign ‘cheated'
–– WIth MAGA in cheap motel.

Disney World replaces Pirates of the Caribbean ride's controversial auction scene with female pirate
–– Replaces 'Yo, ho, ho' with 'Yo, exploited sex worker, exploited sex worker'.

Week of 03/23/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

McMaster to Resign as National Security Adviser, and Will Be Replaced by John Bolton
–– McMaster of none.

Celine Dion cancels Vegas shows due to ear issues
–– Audience not deaf.

John Bolton's mustache is more qualified to be national security adviser than he is
–– His short and curlies are.

Bolton reacts to new White House post: 'I didn't really expect that announcement' today
–– 'I had mustache grooming scheduled for entire afternoon.'

Stormy Daniels' lawyer: Disc tweet is 'warning shot' to Trump
–– Latest slang for 'money shot'?

Goldberg: Trump’s Stormy Daniels legal plan is ‘predator playbook’
–– Entitled Ped Crossing.

Trump Doesn’t Get His ‘Great Beautiful Wall’ But Does Get 33 Miles Of Fence
–– Around WH, National Mall?

‘Birth Of A Nation’ Filmmaker Nate Parker To Write And Direct ‘Black & Blue’
–– About state of his reputation?

NFL star Michael Bennett indicted on charge of injury to elderly at Super Bowl
–– For rushing Tom Brady?

Roseanne Tells Kimmel to ‘Zip That F-in’ Lip’ on Trump Criticism: ‘You Want Pence for the Frickin’ President?’
–– Lowered the Barr.

Tiffany Haddish to Star in ‘The Lego Movie’ Sequel
–– At least don’t have to watch her mugging.

Bush-era diplomat tweets that you should be scared, very scared
–– Isn’t it only a movie?

Great Pacific Garbage Patch: There Is an Island of Trash Twice the Size of Texas Floating in the Ocean
–– Half as toxic.

US drops charges against Erdogan bodyguards over DC brawl
–– Thugs extend professional courtesy.

Man Dies After Getting Head Stuck In Movie Theater Seat
–– Survived several days on stale popcorn.

‘Rules Don’t Apply’ Investors Accuse Arnon Milchan of Fraud
–– Not director/star Warren Beatty?

President Trump Says He Isn't Sure Republicans Can Win 2018 Midterms Because the Candidates Aren't Him
–– But, more importantly, did support him.

Melania Trump's Reported Worst Fears Are Coming True: The Trumps Are Morphing Into the Kardashians
–– Which is only insult Kardashians don’t deserve.

Petraeus: Haspel will explain actions in nomination hearing
–– ‘She just loved sound of muffled screams.’

Robert De Niro tears into Trump over Ivy League education: He's ‘still an idiot’
–– Attended U Pig Penn.

Steve Bannon Defends ‘Fire and Fury,’ Slams CNN and Facebook, Deflects Cambridge Analytica Questions
–– Struggles for shred of relevance.

Why He Kayaked Across the Atlantic at 70 (for the Third Time)
–– Have you met wife?

Karen McDougal tells CNN Trump tried to pay her after sex
–– Why won’t he offer to pay rest of America after screwing?

John Dowd Out as Trump’s Lawyer in Mueller Probe
–– To return to Bleak House case.

Saudi Crown Prince Boasted that Jared Kushner was “In HisPocket”
–– Looking for Tic Tacs.

Toys 'R' Us founder Charles Lazarus dies
–– Batteries fail.

Blockbuster founder Wayne Huizenga has died
–– To be placed in return slot.

Tillerson calls Washington a 'mean-spirited town' in farewell speech
–– Led by mean-spirited clown.

“I Can’t Stomach It”: State Staffers Roll Their Eyes as Tillerson Takes a Final Swipe on His Way Out the Door
–– Lies in State.

Austin bomber Mark Anthony Conditt was part of Christian survivalist group that discussed 'dangerous' chemicals
–– Ones in his head?

‘Last Week Tonight' host John Oliver trolls Vice President Mike Pence with a book about a gay rabbit
–– Fucks like bunny.

Toobin goes off on Dershowitz for ‘carrying water’ for Trump
–– In mouth.

Mariah Carey made James Corden wait so long he stole something from her house
–– Careyed off?

Russian Novichok Developer Says There Is No Antidote so Sergei Skripal and His Daughter Will Die
–– Stands behind product.

Holocaust Denier Arthur Jones Wins Illinois GOP Congressional Primary, Says He’s Merely an 'American Patriot’
–– Who Joneses for Hitler.

Rose McGowan Sends Menacing Birthday Message to Harvey Weinstein: 'I Told You We'd Be Coming'
–– When he was?

Donald Trump Taunts Joe Biden: 'He Would Go Down Fast And Hard, Crying All The Way'
–– ‘The way the ladies do.’

Jake Tapper Hits Back At Trump: He's Nastier To Me And Don Lemon Than He Is To Putin
–– You only have video of him soiling sheets.

Sources: Former FBI Deputy Director Had Launched a Criminal Probe into Sessions
–– Did not use lubricant.

From 'covfefe' to 'council,' Trump's trouble with spelling is 'unpresidented'
–– Not when you're 'stoopid'.

President Trump tweets typos ... again
–– Is Betsy DeVos editing him?

Top conservative congressman: In a perfect world, Trump should fire Mueller
–– In perfect world Louie Gohmert would be assistant manager in Tyler Texas Chik-fil-A.

Judge denies Trump bid to get sexual accuser Summer Zervos' defamation suit tossed: 'No one is above the law'
–– Trump: 'Then can I get swimsuit tossed?'

Biden says he would have 'beat the hell out' of Trump in high school for disrespecting women
–– 'Then I woulda taken Melania to the prom. C'mon, she's a pretty girl!'

Kevin Hart Reveals His Media Mogul Plan at Variety’s Massive Summit: ‘I Want to Be a Billionaire’
–– He's short.

Fred Savage Denies Assault Claims
–– ‘I mean, don’t take the name literally.’

Kentucky GOP candidate sorry for suggesting he'd shoot Dem congressman
–– Draws blanks.

Trump congratulates Putin on election win, says 'we will probably get together' soon
–– Wants to borrow cup of Novichok.

WaPo: Trump ignored briefing materials that said not to congratulate Putin
–– Laud of the dunce.

White House Defends Trump's Congratulatory Call To Putin
–– Insists he didn't call Skripal poisoning 'sweet.'

'If you don't like the guy, quit!' Marco Rubio says whoever leaked details of Trump's call with Putin should RESIGN
–– if you love the guy, GET A ROOM.

Priest publicly wishes for Pope's quick death because of his views on immigration and Islam
–– See, imam would've wished for slow, painful one!

Soldier in Bloody Niger Mission Had Warned of Gaps, Defense Officials Say
–– Told Underground riders to mind them.

Cynthia Nixon to run for New York governor
–– She couldn’t beat SJP.

New Yorkers are hoping Cynthia Nixon is exactly like Miranda
–– Off the air.

The Democrats’ Elitist Obsession With Qualifications
–– As bad as expecting New Republic columnist to know what the fuck he's talking about.

Paul Ryan says he received 'assurances' that firing Mueller 'not even under consideration'
–– Nothing ever ‘under consideration.’

Alicia Vikander Says 'Tomb Raider' Character Is an "Origin Story" of a "Next Door Girl”
–– If you live next to Croft Manor.

‘Tomb Raider’ Shows That Hollywood Is Finally Figuring Out How to Dress Female Action Heroes
–– In failure?

‘The Crown': Petition Urges Star Matt Smith to Donate Pay Disparity to Time's Up
–– He's not that kind of Prince.

Uber pulls self-driving cars after first fatal crash of autonomous vehicle
–– To run over procedures.

White House officials made to sign non-disclosure agreements, report says
–– Thought it was gag.

ACLU: Donald Trump’s White House non-disclosure agreements unconstitutional
–– Trump' "Second Amendment doesn't protect shooting mouth off.'

Will North Korea Give Up Nuclear Weapons? Kim Jong Un 'Gave His Word,' Says South Korea
–– And they believe hm? How sweet.

Treasure hunters and FBI search for lost Civil War gold in Pennsylvania
–– Better off look in Jeff Sessions mouth.

If Trump Fires Mueller, It's the Beginning of the End, Senator Lindsey Graham Warns
–– We’re already well along that trail.

Rep. Castro: There’s a 'Lord of the Flies' Quality to Trump WH
–– You get that around maunure.

McCabe Lawyer Slams Trump Over 'Childish' And 'Defamatory' Tweets: We Won't Respond
–– Thinks: ‘Of course I’m defamous.’

Ellen Barkin Says “Never Get Into An Elevator Alone With Terry Gilliam” After His Criticism Of #MeToo Movement
–– The Pisher King.

Pilot Blamed by Putin for Deadly MH17 Flight Crash Commits Suicide
–– Saves government expense.

Hillary Clinton says she never meant to cause offence by claiming white women voted Republican because of their husbands
–– Too kind to idiot women.

Trump campaign-linked data firm Cambridge Analytica reportedly collected info on 50M Facebook profiles
–– Unfriendly persuasion.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg Vows to Bolster Privacy Amid Cambridge Analytica Crisis
–– Needs to reupbolster.

Facebook employs psychologist whose firm sold data to Cambridge Analytica
–– Should all have heads examined.

Sheryl Sandberg says Facebook leadership should have spoken sooner, is open to regulation
–– Leans in to excuses.

Controversial Saudi prince known as MBS heads to White House and Silicon Valley
–– Mr. Bullshit.

Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Won't Apologize For Being Rich: ‘I’m Not Gandhi’
–– Looks like he ate him.

Saudi crown prince says 'only death' can stop him ruling
–– Iran: ‘We hear ya.’

New report shows Hope Hicks' life over the past few months has been like a soap opera
–– Soap opera sponsored by shit show.

Rubio: McCabe "should have been allowed to finish through the weekend"
–– Rubio redefines 'compassionate conservative.'

Did Jim Carrey Paint Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Call Her a 'Monstrous' Christian?
–– Didn't you look at the drawing?

Trump said Mueller’s team has ‘13 hardened Democrats.’ Here are the facts.
–– They are pretty excited over very hot leads.

Jared Kushner's company routinely filed false New York City paperwork
–– Practicing for White House role.

Trump to call for death penalties for drug dealers as focus of opioids plan
–– Proving who's biggest dope.

Europe sharply divided over Vladimir Putin's re-election
–– Between fear, loathing.

DC council member apologizes for anti-Semitic comment
–– Blamed Jews for the weather. Nu?

Engine failure forces Ivanka, Jared's helicopter to return to airport
–– Avoiding metaphorical disaster.

Indian Children’s Book Lists Hitler as Leader ‘Who Will Inspire You’
–– Even set you on fire.

O.J. Simpson agrees with Donald Trump: Colin Kaepernick disrespected the flag
–– So there's a replacement if Ben Carson is forced out…

Calls Mount For Investigation Into Firing Of FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe
–– Now hill of beans.

Mike Huckabee Celebrates Firing Of Former FBI Deputy Director By Making Dead Dog Joke
–– One he humped to death.

Outlander Star Claims United Crew Made Jokes About Dogs in Overhead Bins 4 Days After Scandal
–– Quoting Mike Huckabee joke book.

Week of 03/16/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Ex-FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe fired
–– McCabe and misses Mueller.

Vanessa Trump, Donald Trump Jr.’s Wife, Files for Divorce
–– Snaps out of 12-year coma.

The Story Behind the Cate Blanchett ‘Penis Facial’ Controversy
–– She got creamed.

Burt Reynolds on Sally Field romance: 'She was 7 when I fell in love with her'
–– It’s OK, he was 17 and legal.

Florida bridge that collapsed was touted as 'engineering feat come to life'
–– And death.

Tucker Carlson Says Teachers Can't Have Sex With Students So Shouldn't Be Allowed to Discuss Guns With Them Either
–– How about shotgun weddings that ensue?

Fox News Host Shep Smith Says Network’s Opinion Commentators Are ‘Strictly’ for Entertainment and ‘Don’t Really Have Rules’
–– Except ones WH imposes.

Pope Francis Is Beloved. His Papacy Might Be a Disaster.
–– And this might be ad for NYT’s devoutly conservative columnist’s new book.

’Clarissa Explains It All' Reboot Starring Melissa Joan Hart in the Works at Nickelodeon
–– She’ll start with menopause.

Britain Hints at Tougher Blow Against Russia: Stripping Tycoons’ Assets
–– Blow's all hot air.

Cyberattacks Put Russian Fingers on the Switch at Power Plants, U.S. Says
–– Already had fingers in president.

Zinke says 'Konnichiwa' after hearing story about WWII Japanese internment
–– Is he hai?

The dog was put inside an overhead bin on a United flight. It didn't survive
–– Wasn't a bagle.

Dog mistakenly flown to Japan reunites with family
–– On Air Bud.

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, Who Explored Babies’ Mental Growth, Dies at 99
–– T. buried.

Ed Charles, a Mainstay of the Miracle Mets, Is Dead at 84
–– Could still play third for team.

Cyberattacks Put Russian Fingers on the Switch at Power Plants, U.S. Says
–– Described activity as ‘all in good fun.’

Fans back Alicia Vikander after 'Tomb Raider' breast criticism
–– Though she hardly needs support.

Jimmy Kimmel to file federal complaint against Trump family store for abroad-made items
–– Trump: ‘Isn’t he glad we’re hiring a broad?’

Kim Kardashian on How She and Kanye Maintain a Strong Marriage Despite Crazy Schedules
–– And husband.

’Open revolt' at the State Department over Tillerson dismissal, reporter says
–– Foggy Bottom feeders.

Tennessee Republicans block resolution condemning neo-Nazis
–– ‘They all might be family!’

Russia Will Beat NASA to Mars and Find Water on the Moon, Says Putin
–– If they have to poison every US astronaut.

Trump’s Visit To Wall Prototypes Shows The Hubris And Absurdity Of The Idea
–– Needs padded ones.

Oprah’s Bathtub Is So Extra, It Even Shocked Reese Witherspoon
–– Has deep sea grotto for Stedman.

Saudi Crown Prince Is Hiding His Mother From His Father To Safeguard Power Grab, U.S. Officials Say
–– In burqa.

Man Who Claimed He Was Accomplice In Natalee Holloway Slaying Is Fatally Stabbed
–– Uhh…yay?

Twitter Has Come Between Donald Trump Jr. and His Wife Vanessa, Allegedly
–– Wow, hope there isn’t bedroom video of that.

Man Claims United Airlines Offered Woman $1,000 Voucher to Put Her Feet Down: 'The Audacity of White Privilege'
–– $2,000 to cross legs.

After A Year In Space, NASA Astronaut's Genes Have Changed. Possibly For Good.
–– Who can’t use extra arm, leg?

Judd: We're going to burn down the patriarchy
–– Judd’s dread.

Trump says he made up trade claims in meeting with Trudeau
–– File under S for Shocked.

Begala: Republicans are gonna need a bigger yacht
–– Jaws incessantly.

Stormy Daniels' mother on Trump: 'I would vote for him every time'
–– Poll dancing.

Stormy Daniels set up a crowdfunding page to pay her legal fees against Donald Trump
–– Big donors will receive signed DVD, mega donors VD.

Trump’s Lawyers Claim Stormy Daniels Violated Confidentiality Agreement at Least 20 Times
–– One for each time he tried to violate her.

Trump Administration Sanctions Russians for Election Meddling and Cyberattacks
–– Issues measures with box of chocolates, case of vodka.

Teacher’s Gun Is Accidentally Fired During Public Safety Class, Injuring 3
–– Who all received gold stars.

Joan Baez on Her Next Chapter: ‘I Don’t Make History, I Am History’
–– Will soon be history.

Rising Seas Threaten the Ancient Monuments of Easter Island
–– Hope they can hold breath.

Dementia study links your risk with your fitness level
–– And dementia with not giving damn about pot belly.

Toys 'R' Us will close or sell all US stores
–– Geoffrey the Giraffe to be released in wild for Trump boys to hunt.

Why Trump is right to purge his Cabinet
–– And replace with vomit?

Trump may not be finished with staff shakeup
–– Trump: ‘Yeah, who hired these losers?’

Trump eyes purging Cabinet 'deadweight'
–– Which are keeping him from leaping off ledge.

At the Fox News Site, a Sudden Focus on Women as Sex Offenders
–– Like how Jeanine Pirro offends members of her sex?

Goldman Sachs' next CEO is a part-time electronic dance DJ
–– How does he scratch with claws?

Aaron Judge Contract Worth $622K, Not Eligible for Salary Arbitration Until 2019
–– America weeps for Yankee.

Sense of humor 'as vast as the universe': Tributes flood in as world remembers Stephen Hawking
–– Was known as Hee-Hawking.

The 'most important pieces of advice' Stephen Hawking gave to his children
–– Don’t stare into sun, E equals MC somethinged.

The Real Reason Stephen Hawking Outlived His Fatal Disease By 55 Years
–– ALS died prematurely?

The father of the world wide web is one disappointed dad
–– 'That bastard!'

A sixth grader makes a will 'just in case' of a school shooting
–– Class project: bullet-proof vests made from bottle caps.

Longtime Trump aide fired over financial crime investigation
–– Authorities still trying to pick just one.

Roger Stone reportedly told associates about WikiLeaks' Clinton-targeting emails before they were leaked
–– Consulted Sorceror’s Stone.

Watch: Shocking moment gang member grabs pen and attacks witness in court before being shot dead
–– Just wanted autograph.

House Republicans say probe found no evidence of collusion between Trump, Russia
–– After exhaustive review of WH talking points.

GOP Rep. Tom Rooney Breaks Ranks On Russia Report: 'We've Lost All Credibility'
–– Ruiny.

‘A Wrinkle in Time': Why It Has Underperformed at the Box Office
–– Is this link to trailer?

ICE Spokesman Resigns, Saying He Could No Longer Spread Falsehoods for Trump Administration
–– Melts under pressure.

Bob Woodward defends objectivity in journalism: “My job is not to take sides”
–– 'I stick with entrees.'

Charles Manson’s Remains Will Go to Purported Grandson, Judge Rules
–– Ashes to asses.

Rex Tillerson reportedly found out he was fired on Twitter
–– Tweet for the Tillerson.

Rex Tillerson Out as Trump’s Secretary of State, Replaced by Mike Pompeo
–– Pompeo erupts.

Trump: Tillerson and I didn't think the same
–– Or ‘he occasionally thought.’

Rex Tillerson has been fired. Experts say he did damage that could last “a generation.”
–– Luckily country may not last “a generation.”

Trump tells people he is selecting Larry Kudlow to replace Gary Cohn
–– At 70 might be too young for position.

New C.I.A. Deputy Director, Gina Haspel, Had Leading Role in Torture
–– A Haspel takeover.

Trump administration drops age limit proposal for guns after NRA files suit
–– Have Trump over gun barrel.

Parkland Survivor To Trump: 'Show Us That You Aren't Owned By The NRA'
–– NRA: ‘We have receipt.’

Could Jared Kushner lead the Trump 2020 Campaign?
–– Who else?

Atty: Trump may have 'grave concerns' about Mueller probe
–– That he’ll get buried.

Scaramucci Hits Trump For ‘War on the Media’: Attacks on Press Are ‘Not Good For America’
–– ‘Unless you use baseball bat.’

‘Trainwreck’: Watch Education Secretary Betsy DeVos’ Brutal 60 Minutes Interview
–– If an Education Secretary leaves the station at 7:30 PM traveling at 50 lies an hour how long before she jumps track?

The View Excoriates Betsy DeVos After Disastrous Interviews: ‘What’s She Been Doing This Whole Time?’
–– Not cramming.

Betsy DeVos doesn't seem to know what a verb is
–– 'Isn't that like a spice?'

Congressman To Trump: Betsy DeVos is "Rich, White, and Dumber Than a Bag of Hammers"
–– Nails it.

Jack Nicholson May Have Had to Show His Ticket to Usher at Lakers Game
–– One flew over the cuckoo's net.

If Jennifer Lawrence Can't Open a Movie, Who Can?
–– J-Law breaker.

Fashion Designer Hubert de Givenchy Dies at 91
–– Haute closure.

Crustacean Beverly Hills Gets New Look, Expanded Fish Pond, Refreshed Menu After $10M Renovation
–– Will customers shell out?

Second US fertility clinic reports egg storage tank malfunction
–– Soft boiled.

Tim McGraw collapses on stage during Dublin show due to dehydration
–– Needs to really dry out.

After Bruno Mars is accused of cultural appropriation, black celebrities come to his defense
–– Men are for Mars?

Putin: Maybe Jews or minorities behind US election interference
–– Now we remember why Trump loves this guy.

GOP: Actually, There Are Lots Of Women In The White House, Like Our Wives
–– And aides, maids.

In Death as in Life, Women Count. Here’s How The Times Counted Them.
–– Like pushed-up daisies?

White House official says Trump was just having fun by smearing Maxine Waters
–– Muddies Waters.

Mueller Will Take Down Trump Or ‘I’m Counting on Stormy To Do It,’ Maxine Waters Says
–– Someone will end up on their knees.

White House spokesman does not deny that Carl Icahn was tipped off
–– Icahn job.

Pull over, Uber. This self-driving truck is driving with no one on board
–– Everyone should pull over to get out of way.

Talk about a hot seat: Sitting next to Trump can be awkward
–– Heats seat with methane.

Heated panel debates Trump's behavior at rally
–– Of solar variety?

Elon Musk: Mars rocket will fly 'short flights' next year
–– To Melvin’s house and back.

President Trump Hurls Obscenity at NBC Host Chuck Todd
–– Like monkey with own feces.

Chuck Todd responds to Trump's 'son of a b---h' jab: 'It creates a challenge to parents'
–– Especially bitches.

Bannon: 'Let them call you racists'
–– ‘If they insist on accuracy.’

A woman rode a horse into a dance club in Miami Beach
–– A Godiva bar?

With Snap ‘Yes’ in Oval Office, Trump Gambles on North Korea
–– Not first time he snapped.

Trump's advisers insist there's a strategy behind his Kim Jong Un meeting
–– Way, way, way behind.

Richardson: 'I am worried that Kim Jong Un is setting us in a trap'
–– Baited with cheese burgers.

Week of 03/09/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

White House puts an asterisk on Trump, Kim Jong Un meeting
–– Ass to risk.

Candidate breastfeeds in campaign ad
–– Appeals to boobs.

‘Nobel Prize for Trump!’: Newsroom readers cheer Kim Jong Un news
–– Yeah, there's institution he hasn't yet cheapened.

Jared Kushner is quietly tackling Washington's swamp
–– By submerging self in it, arms outstretched.

Scaramucci apologizes to Maddow for 'lighthearted' suppository joke
–– Told to ‘stick it.’

'Pharma bro' Martin Shkreli sentenced to 7 years in prison — says, 'This is my fault'
–– Buys the pharma.

Miss Universe in Moscow: How Trump's beauty contest spawned a business deal with Russians and a bond with Putin
–– And a run on penicillin.

Trump Eliminated Miss Universe Finalists Who Were ‘Too Ethnic’ or ‘Snubbed His Advances,’ Pageant Staff Claim
–– Or 'Didn't Resemble Ivanka.'

Charlize Theron actually urinated herself when she met David Oyelowo
–– O yellow woe.

“A Shakespearean Tragedy”: Lloyd Blankfein Runs Over Gary Cohn’s Dreams, Backs Up, and Runs Over Them Again
–– The Merchant of Menace.

Lara Trump Says Media Is 'Out to Get the President and Our Entire Family at Every Turn'
–– That's a relief.

Ivanka Trump Complained Jared Kushner Was Being Embarrassed By John Kelly: Report
–– Being in presence of most adult males embarrasses Jared.

State Department warns spring breakers of Mexico threat
–– Montezuma’s revenge?

Amazon lays off hundreds of employees
–– Bezos hard at work on second 100 bil.

Watching 'A Wrinkle in Time' is a political act
–– Like getting arrested, beaten over head.

Michael Cohen says he used his own home equity line for Stormy Daniels payment
–– Took out loan on whore house.

‘Booth babes' are vanishing from auto shows
–– 'Backseat bimbos' on rise.

A sheriff's deputy had his ex-wife arrested because he didn't like what she wrote about him on Facebook
–– On Ms.-the-meaner charges.

Val Chmerkovskiy On Why He'll Never Change His Name
–– Easier to forget than his face.

Putin praises Trump, says US political system eating itself
–– He can go eat himself.

CNN calls out Ted Cruz for mocking Dem rival's use of nickname: 'Your name is Rafael'
–– A sure Beto.

Jeff Sessions Called 'Bully' Over DOJ Decision To Sue California Over Sanctuary Policies
–– A widdle widdle bully.

Church surprises pizza delivery woman struggling to make ends meet with shocking tip
–– Pastor whispers: ’Jesus loves you.’

‘Hit him': Texas judge used electric shocks to punish sex offender
–– Re-volting.

Report: Mueller Has Evidence Seychelles Meeting Was to Set Up Russian Back-Channel
–– Sadly sold Seychelles down by the seashore.

Heated floors and pillow-top mattresses... in prison
–– Shivs with cushioned handles, flowers after gang bangs.

Derrius Guice Said Team Asked If He Liked Men at NFL Combine
–– And how he felt about farm equipment.

Trump upset with Sanders over Stormy Daniels response
–– Because it exceeded WH limits on accuracy.

Former Trump Attorney Stuns 'Fox & Friends,' Says Stormy Daniels NDA Is Likely Invalid
–– NDA jam.

Jeff Sessions Scolds California in Immigration Speech: ‘We Have a Problem’
–– That's the royal 'we'.

Alleged Thief of Frances McDormand's Oscar Pleads Not Guilty
–– Cites stauette of limitations.

John Williams Ready to Quit Scoring 'Star Wars' Films
–– Was last reason to attend.

A Blockbuster 'New Yorker' Story Sheds Light on Christopher Steele, and, Yes, the 'Pee Tape'
–– More yellow journalism.

Pepe The Frog’s creator sues Infowars for copyright infringement
–– Is hopping mad.

Advertisers flee InfoWars founder Alex Jones' YouTube channel
–– Pepe offers to do PSA on “turning the freaking frogs gay.”

Tim Allen 'Interested' in 'Home Improvement' Revival, But 'I Still Miss Last Man Standing'
–– ‘He was a fox.’

Tim Allen on Trump: ‘Let him land the plane, at least’
–– On your house.

Flynn forced to sell his house to pay his legal bills
–– Flypps property.

Kushner to visit Mexico after Trump tirades, testy phone call
–– A little early for Spring Break?

Mel B Claims Ex-Husband Stephen Belafonte Exposed 3 Daughters to 'ISIS Beheading' Videos
–– Demonstrating punishment for not cleaning room.

Fmr. GOP Rep: "The President's most authentic moments are when he is lying"
–– To thine own self be untrue.

‘All criminal roads led to Trump Tower’: Christopher Steele noticed Trump-Russia corruption long before dossier
–– Why not just convert into high-rise prison?

Democrats: 'Unsanitary' Politicians Sleeping in Their Offices Abuse Taxpayer Funds, Including Paul Ryan
–– Showering at water fountains, defecating in rotunda bigger problems.

Philippines’ Duterte says 'not in a million years' does ICC have right to try him
–– In ten minutes they do.

Larry Nassar's first male accuser comes forward: 'I hope he rots in hell'
–– "And may Mengele be his examining pysician.'

George W. Bush Reportedly Sounds Off On Trump: 'Sorta Makes Me Look Pretty Good'
–– Sorta like lung cancer makes melanoma look good.

Russia Investigation Romance: Key witness George Papadopoulos marries Italian lawyer
–– Who obviously can’t understand English.

President Trump’s Exaggerated and Misleading Claims on Trade
–– Or 'President Trump’s Claims on Trade.'

Turn Prisons Into Colleges
–– Opposite already in effect.

’Man of mystery' cooperates with Mueller in Russia probe
–– Yeah, baby!! Yeah!!

Peyton Manning Sells Stake in Papa John's Locations, Remains Spokesperson
–– Rejects piece of the pie.

France to set age of sexual consent at 15 after rape outcry
–– Roman Polanski: ‘Merde!’

Stormy Daniels sues Trump over alleged affair and 'hush' agreement
–– Should’ve known she couldn’t keep mouth shut.

10 Hairstyles That Never Age
–– And wrinkled faces beneath them.

Space travel altered Kelly's chromosomes
–– Wrangling Trump did same for other Kelly.

Florida teacher hosted white supremacist podcast
–– Alt Things Considered.

How an affair with her bodyguard brought down Nashville's mayor
–– Mayor culpa.

Trump complicit with Scaramucci attacks on Kelly
–– Providing sock full of quarters.

Coke is launching an alcoholic drink in Japan
–– Sake to me!

Big Aluminum says the aluminum tariff won't work
–– Not siding with White House.

McDonald’s is putting fresh beef in the Quarter Pounder
–– Instead of usual wormy rat meat.

Flippy, the robot hamburger chef, goes to work
–– Rolly, Cheesy, Catsuppy, the Pickler apply for positions.

Sergei Skripal: UK counter-terror police helping investigation into suspected poisoning of former Russian spy
–– S'crippled.

Boris Johnson threatens fresh Russia sanctions if Kremlin is responsible for Sergei Skripal 'poisoning'
–– Ordered by 'Putin.'

Europe Once Saw Xi Jinping as a Hedge Against Trump. Not Anymore.
–– Hedge hog.

Office of Special Counsel: Conway violated Hatch Act
–– With booby hatch acts.

New report suggests Trump personally coordinated $130,000 payment to adult film star
–– Slipped it to her.

Ben Carson, Retired Brain Surgeon, Has Lobotomized HUD
–– Lights on, nobody home.

Paul Ryan Rediscovers Own Spine for Long Enough to Criticize Donald Trump’s Stupid Tariffs
–– While trying to pat self on back.

Chris Christie Slams 'Some Of The Really Awful People Inside The White House'
–– Wishes he was one of them.

What Do Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner Do All Day? John Kelly Sick of Their ‘Freelancing,’ Report Claims
–– They never clean up chalk drawings in driveway, put away Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Man dies at party after allegedly being shot in chest by friend while wearing bulletproof vest
–– In unfortunate edition of Stupid Party Tricks.

Tiangong-1: China's Out-of-Control Space Station Will Crash Into Earth in Just Weeks, Likely to Hit Northern U.S. States
–– Get out your baseball mitts.

Report: Presidential seal replicas ordered for use at Trump golf courses may violate federal law
–– Ethicists teed off.

CNN’s Erin Burnett To Sam Nunberg: I Smell Alcohol On Your Breath
–– Not Trump Vodka.

Carter Page Hits Back at Sam Nunberg Collusion Claim: Some People Have Been Intoxicated 'A Year and a Half Now'
–– Added: ‘Urp!’

Sam Nunberg Says Trump is an 'Idiot' and 'Carter Page Was Colluding With the Russians' As He Goes Off the Rails on Live TV
–– Not in those two statements.

Sam Nunberg Meltdown: Former Trump Aide Calls Sarah Huckabee Sanders an 'Unattractive Fat Slob'
–– Show some class and call her 'lying sack of shit.'

Sam Nunberg Apologizes to Sarah Huckabee Sanders for ‘Fat Slob’ Remark
–– Took guts.

Sam Nunberg Warns Trump: ‘I Could Make His Life Terrible If I Wanted To’
––– He beat you to it.

Nunberg caps off strange week with appearance before Mueller grand jury
–– No evidence he knew where he was.

Lego’s sales drop for the first time in 13 years
–– Chips off the old block.

Trump says there isn't chaos in the White House, 'only great energy'
–– ‘Like from an earthquake that swallows cities.’

Former Trump aide refusing Mueller subpoena: 'Screw that'
–– To America: ‘And you.’

Former Trump aide Sam Nunberg on Mueller probe: 'I think they may' have something on Trump
–– They being Special Counsel team or little green men.

Oscars: Why Jodie Foster Was on Crutches
–– Metaphor for career.

Oscars: Adam West, Glen Campbell Left Out of In Memoriam Tribute
–– Not far enough.

Oscars Snubs: 'Lady Bird,' 'Mudbound,' 'The Post' Shut Out
–– Nominee grits.

What Is an Inclusion Rider? Frances McDormand's Oscars Speech Explained
–– Why known a rider?

TV Ratings: Oscars on Pace for New Low in Early Numbers
–– Ebbing and not just Missouri.

Report: Trump Calls Gary Cohn a ‘Globalist’ in Oval Office Trade Meeting
–– Apparently referring to bald head.

Alec Baldwin mocks Trump with Hope Hicks dig: 'She's like a daughter to me. So smart, so hot.'
–– Sounds like he's coming into his own.

Jailed Russian 'sex coaches' offer to trade election info for US asylum
–– Stream of consciousness?

Thugs, Leeches, Shouting and Shoving at Trump Hotel in Panama
–– Or Happy Hour.

Trump Name Removed From Panama Hotel As Majority Owner Plays Anti-Fascist Song to Celebrate
–– Panama hates.

Manchin: 'I really believe' Trump would sign my background checks bill
–– Also believes himself Democrat.

Army mishandled bomb-sniffing dogs' adoptions, Pentagon watchdog says
–– Watchdog sniffing butts.

Trump tries self-deprecating humor at Gridiron dinner
–– Admits he's pig's kin.

Trump’s Yanked Support for Hudson Tunnel Angers Those Who Saw a Done Deal
–– Demonstrates tunnel vision.

Man shot himself outside White House, Secret Service says
–– Not with iPhone.

A presidential milestone: Trump has spent 100 days in office at one of his golf clubs
–– 100 nights in bed with one of his golf clubs.

The great unraveling: Trump's allies are really worried about him
–– Was laced with hatred.

Trump on China's Xi consolidating power: 'Maybe we'll give that a shot some day'
–– 'If we can jail journalists and send opponents to work camps.'

Week of 03/02/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Hope Hicks to Leave Post as White House Communications Director
–– Prix nix chix Hix.

Why China banned the letter ‘N’
–– Chia pet.

Trump reportedly berated Hicks for admitting to ‘white lies’
–– ‘That’s the time for black lies!’

Trump’s 'Art of the Deal' Ghostwriter Says Hope Hicks Has ‘Bad Taste in Men,’ ‘Ended Up in Hell’
–– Then resigned from it.

“She Is Like a Security Blanket”: Hope Hicks, the Linus of the West Wing, Delivers a Devastating Blow to Trump
–– Like security blanket after Russian hookers got through with it.

China’s Censors Ban Winnie the Pooh and the Letter ‘N’ After Xi’s Power Grab
–– Will Roo the day.

Billy Graham laid to rest in casket handcrafted by Louisiana inmates
–– Has secret compartments for smokes, shiv.

Tucker Carlson Shreds Trump Over Gun Control: If ‘Obama Had Said That,’ We’d Be ‘Talking Impeachment’
–– ‘Right before lynching,’

Ben Carson Is Desperately Trying to Return $31,000 in Custom Dining Room Furniture
–– Even claymation Bob won’t refund him.

Woman Warns Pet Owners Against Popular Snack Food After Dog Suffocates
–– Choke-Bones.

Roy Moore issues grievance-laden plea for money: 'My resources have been depleted'
–– ‘Ah can’t even afford mah Teen Vogue subscription no more.’

Social media handed "one-hour rule" for terrorist takedowns in Europe
–– Must wait after eating.

Nucor CEO Ferriola Likes Trump Tariff Plans
–– Taps steel plate in head to signal support.

Ex-Trump adviser sold $31m in shares days before president announced steel tariffs
–– Icahn job.

Apple is under fire for moving iCloud data to China
–– Under umbrella agreement.

Amandla Stenberg Reveals She Passed on Black Panther to Make Way for Darker Skinned Actors
–– Agent tries to explain color of money.

Eric Holder says he fell asleep during 'Black Panther'
–– ‘Like during Fast and Furious –– the gun-running scandal.’

Houston woman, whose skeletal remains were found in wall, slipped through attic floor
–– No cracks, please.

Foot discovered on Canadian island is 13th to wash ashore since 2007
–– Should pace themselves.

Melania Trump entered US with 'Einstein' visa designated for people with 'extraordinary ability'
–– And her parents through Theory of Relativity?

Ivanka and Melania Trump's Women's History Month tweets are not going over well
–– Wish they were history.

Donald Trump Attacks Alec Baldwin's 'Dying Mediocre Career,' But Calls Him 'Alex,' Misspells 'Dying'
–– Alec and alas.

Sen. Orrin Hatch calls Obamacare supporters 'stupidest, dumbass people'
–– From dumbest stupidass in Senate.

Defiant John Kelly continues to misrepresent his handling of Rob Porter scandal
–– Black eye for Lady Justice.

Scaramucci says he's on list of banned White House staffers
–– Mooch ado about nothing.

Storm whips Northeast with rain, floods; 900,000 customers lose power
–– Life of Riley.

Only 13 people used that Delta NRA discount
–– Big shots?

'Pretty much everyone on the plane threw up'
–– Passengers on plane during nor’easter or Air Force One to Mar-a-Lago?

French embassy attacked in Burkina Faso's capital
–– Ouagadougou!

White House plans to sell 210 anti-tank missiles to Ukraine
–– And 210 kill switches to Putin.

McDonald’s Szechuan sauce is impossible to get -- and its causing an uproar on the internet
–– Entire supply used to lure, poison roaches.

Schumer votes against Trump judicial nominee because he's white
–– Alt-white.

Former German death camp guard submits new clemency bid
–– Wants charges exterminated.

’Gun-grabber-in-chief’: Conservatives turn on Trump as threat to confiscate guns prompts Second Amendment-related outrage
–– Only in case of pussy holster.

Manchin: People in WV did not trust Obama on guns, they trust Trump
–– Which is why they’re still in WV.

Trump selling hat with slogan beloved by white supremacists
–– Brimming with hate.

Travis Kalanick joins medical tech startup's board of directors
–– Tuber.

Trump Calls Jeff Sessions 'Mr. Magoo' And Twitter Can't Get Over It
–– Criticism ‘short-sighted’.

Patriots Owner Robert Kraft 'Thrilled' Girlfriend Welcomed Baby 'Last Fall' but Denies Paternity
–– Pat response.

Mike Huckabee Says ‘Hate Wins,’ Publishes Resignation Letter to CMA Foundation
–– Hate was fan favorite in this contest.

When Jeff Sessions finally called Trump's bluff
–– Blind man’s bluff.

John Kelly jokes about job: God punished me
–– Just wait a few years until it’s Satan’s turn.

Putin debuts animation of Russia striking Florida with nuclear missiles
–– Crapped in Underpants: the First Epic Movie.

Satan 2: Putin Tells U.S. 'You Will Listen To Russia Now' as he Deploys Hypersonic Nuclear ICBM
–– Doing best Kim Jong-un impression.

US shrugs at Vladimir Putin's boast of nuclear-powered cruise missile with unlimited range
–– Americans shiver.

Red Sox Asking City of Boston to Change Name of Yawkey Way to Show Inclusion
–– To Yuckey.

Man Arrested for Trespassing at Sean Hannity's N.Y. Home
–– Gardener deported to Guatemala.

Barbra Streisand Had Her Beloved Dog Samantha Cloned: Meet Miss Scarlett and Miss Violet
–– Arf and arf.

Walmart and Dick’s Raise Minimum Age for Gun Buyers to 21
–– Which dicks?

Trump Stuns Lawmakers With Seeming Embrace of Gun Control
–– Just stroking his barrel.

John Cena Says WrestleMania Match Against Undertaker Can’t Happen
–– Rumors laid to rest.

A self-described sex expert says she will spill information on Trump and Russia to get out of a Thai jail
–– About spilled seed.

Mueller team asks about Trump's Russian business dealings as he weighed a run for president
–– Ruble rousers.

U.S. intel: Russia compromised seven states prior to 2016 election
–– Ballot Russe.

Sen. Kennedy: 'Idiot control,' not gun control, needed after Parkland
–– Beginning in his office.

Jared Kushner's Family Business Was Loaned Hundreds Of Millions of Dollars After White House Meetings With Top Executives
–– In world’s most expensive coincidence.

Kushner security clearance is downgraded
–– To receive briefings from Washington Examiner ed page.

SEC dropped inquiry a month after firm aided Kushner company
–– Wait a SEC…!

Trump has privately asked John Kelly to help him move Ivanka and Jared Kushner out of the White House
–– They refuse to acknowledge belongings have been placed at curb.

US cyber chief says Trump hasn't told him to confront Russian cyber threat
–– Did order they be unfriended on Facebook.

Jeffrey Tambor's Ex-Assistant and Accuser Breaks Silence: "He Has Done This to Himself"
–– Not you?

Jax Taylor's Life Flashes Before His Eyes When He Nearly Drowns on ‘Vanderpump Rules’ -- Watch!
–– In tub of bronzer.

More body parts found in Japan after decapitation case
–– Authorities can’t make head nor tail of them.

Russian Olympian Who Wore 'I Don't Do Doping' Shirt Fails Doping Test
–– Vows to study harder in 2022.

50 Cent admits he 'has never owned, and does not now own' any bitcoin
–– Not even a half-dollar-worth?

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai: ‘We need smart networks, not dumb pipes’
–– What 's he smoking in his?

Fiance wouldn’t crack her back, so she grabbed her gun – and aimed at the dog, Florida police say
–– In spineless attack.

Italian Men Mysteriously Missing in Mexico 'Sold for $53' to Criminal Gang, Their Relatives Say
–– Plus all the pasta they could eat.

Farrah Abraham And Her 9-Year-Old Share Nudes Together!
–– Thought her implant was older than that.

Omarosa Manigault Newman Says She Was Shunned At 'Plantation' White House Because She Was Black
–– Memoir to be entitled Wacko Unchained.

Florida Student Arrested for Bringing an AR-15 Rifle To High School Following Parkland Shooting
–– For mow-and-tell.

Ivanka Trump Calls Question About Father’s Sexual Misconduct ‘Inappropriate’
–– Left groping for answer.

Trump’s Tax Cuts in Hand, Companies Spend More on Themselves Than on Wages
–– Shocking no one but Gary Cohn.

Georgia Republicans Vow to Kill Airline Tax-Cut Bill After Delta Ends N.R.A. Discount
–– Shoot it down.

Billy Graham will be only the 4th person to lie in honor at the Capitol
–– Lying in dishonor hourly observance there.

Stephen Miller Ends His Worst Day Yet by Falling Asleep During School Safety Meeting
–– Rarely naps outside of coffin.

Donald Trump: I Would Courageously Rush into a School Shooting Unarmed
–– ‘I love Russian.’

President Trump Boasts He Would've Run Into Florida School to Charge Shooter — Even Without a Gun
–– NRA: ‘You should never even charge dinner without a gun.’

’Clueless’ actress Stacey Dash is running for Congress in California
–– Quote marks unnecessary.

Bud Luckey, Oscar-Nominated Animator Who Designed Woody for 'Toy Story,' Dies at 83
–– Luckey runs out.

Trump just retweeted a fringe radio host who has attacked the Florida school shooting survivors
–– Shooting from the unhip.

Gus Kenworthy slams Ivanka Trump at Closing Ceremony, notes Russia's 'biggest win' since '16 election
–– Though there was more juicing in ’16.

Covering Trump Is Like Facing 'Fertilizer Spreader In A Wind Storm' Says Reporter Dan Rather
–– Thought it was straight shitstorm.

Trump campaign emails photo of Parkland survivor, asks for donations
–– ‘If you want more shooting victims like this.’

More than a dozen businesses ran away from the NRA. How it went down
–– Most shot in back.

Exclusive: Trump privately pushing personal pilot to run FAA
–– Expects another unqualified appointee to wing it.

Ivanka Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders experience awkward moment in South Korea
–– Two dopey queens.

Sweden outlasts South Korea's 'Garlic Girls' for women's curling gold
–– Who were breathing down their necks.

Florida Shooting Survivor Suggests Calling AR-15 Rifles 'Marco Rubios'
–– Especially ones that misfire.

Trump On Fox Savages 'Leaker' Schiff Who Has 'Probably' Done Something 'Illegal''
–– Same old Schiff.

European Ex-Officials Deny Being Paid by Manafort to Lobby for Ukraine
–– Shock o’ the day.

How Skadden, the Giant Law Firm, Got Entangled in the Mueller Investigation
–– Through sheer greed like every other player.

Russians Won’t Get to March Behind Their Flag at the Olympic Closing Ceremony
–– Ooo, harsh punishment for cheaters.

’Crisis Actor’ Isn’t a New Smear. The Idea Goes Back to the Civil War Era.
–– Gained new currency with Nicolas Cage.

Parkland shooting reveals Trump's deepest flaws
–– Still waiting for event that reveals virtues.

Plastic straw makers brace for bans
–– Told to suck it up.

China to drop presidential term limits, clearing way for Xi Jinping to stay on
–– Xi who must be obeyed.

Ivanka Trump stands and claps for North and South Korean Olympic Athletes
–– ‘So cute, they all look alike.’

Trump: I try like hell to hide that bald spot
–– How about one on inside?

Trump announces new North Korea sanctions
–– Wasn’t appearance at Olympics punishment enough?

WH official: Peña Nieto calls off visit to White House after confrontational call with Trump
–– Wall-to-wall carping.

What does Dana Loesch know about 'grieving black mothers in Chicago’?
–– That she wishes there were more of them.

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