Headbangers 11/18
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Headbangers 03/18
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Headbangers 2017
Headbangers 2016
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 01/26/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Dozens of People Recount Pattern of Sexual Misconduct by Las Vegas Mogul Steve Wynn
–– Was stud poker.

Museum offers Trump a gold toilet
–– Throne fit for this king.

Trump dismisses multiple reports that he moved to fire Robert Mueller as 'fake news'
–– Moved on him like a bitch.

Elton John supports #MeToo movement, but denounces lack of 'due process'
–– Must ask: Can you feel the love tonight?

The Internet Basically Wants Tiffany Haddish to Get an Academy Award for Announcing the Oscar Nominations
–– Because not rehearsing, disrespecting nominees is adorable.

Hillary Clinton Chose to Shield a Top Adviser Accused of Harassment in 2008
–– Bill just an 'adviser'?

Floods Leave Paris Contemplating a Wetter Future
–– InSeine!

Crock-Pot defends its slow cookers after This Is Us tragedy
–– Simmering controversy.

Trump HUD Official Lynne Patton Under Fire After Calling Journalist 'Miss Piggy'
–– Cocky monster.

GOP candidate says feminists have ‘snake-filled heads,’ hopes daughters don’t become ‘she devils’
–– Better than shit-filled head.

Gwyneth Paltrow says Chris Martin is ‘like her brother’
–– ‘The one I used to boff.’

Mets bringing back Jose Reyes — with one catch
–– Hope he makes more than one.

First lady skips Davos with Trump, visits Holocaust museum
–– Misery loves company.

Even If Trump Cheated on Melania, ‘All of Us Are Sinners,’ Says Evangelical Leader
–– ‘I am laying with you all even as I speak.’

Stormy Daniels to Appear on Kimmel After Trump's State of the Union
–– She prefers it on top.

A Sober Trump Reassures the Davos Elite
–– Just sounds drunk.

Culinary SOS: How to make the date nut slices at Lodge Bread in Culver City
–– Get job in kitchen.

Matt Later Told Meredith on Camera…’Keep Bending Over, Nice View’
–– ‘I can see me on street from here.’

Nutella discount sparks chaos in French supermarkets
–– Nut hella.

‘Call Me by Your Name' Director Reveals Details of the Planned Sequel
–– Recall Me by Your Name.

James Franco Was Scrubbed From Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue Cover
–– Began with mouth, crotch.

Trump Tells Davos Crowd That ‘America Is Open for Business,’ But He Gets Boos When He Attacks the Press
–– Proudly unzips pants.

Trump was talked out of firing Mueller last June, source says
–– Counsel bluffs.

The “Hastert Rule,” the reason a DACA deal could fail in the House, explained
–– Too many young men to abuse.

Jim Mattis Watched Indonesian Troops Drink Snake Blood, Roll in Glass and Headbutt Concrete Bricks
–– Felt like typical Cabinet meeting.

David Copperfield Issues Statement On #MeToo Movement Ahead of Sexual Assault
–– Cop-a-feel? No!!

Ivanka Trump Accused of Staying Silent on Labor Abuses at Her Clothing Company’s Chinese Factories
–– Defends self: ‘Me no speakee Chinee.’

Conservative Bill Kristol Says Tucker Carlson’s Show Is ‘Close Now to Racism'
–– ‘Past it, but still near rotten core.’

Harvey Weinstein's Ex-Assistant Sues for Harassment, Says He Regularly Dictated Emails Naked
–– Ewwmails.

A man goes to Disney World looking for a kidney. He finds one.
–– In Pluto’s mouth.

James Corden Says Grammys Will Include 'Me Too' Moment
–– Moment or LP?

These small businesses are psyched for Trump's new health plans
–– Embalmers, funeral homes, cemeteries.

‘Doomsday clock' ticks closer to apocalyptic midnight
–– Split seconds.

Railway project built in less than 9 hours
–– Under Christmas tree.

Casey Affleck Withdraws as Oscar Presenter for Best Actress
–– Defflecktion.

Disney Star Adam Hicks Arrested for String of Armed Robberies
–– Mask with Mickey ears dead giveaway.

‘Mission: Impossible 6’ Title, First-Look Photo Revealed
–– What MI?

Octavia Spencer Explains How Jessica Chastain Helped Her Make Five Times Her Asking Salary
–– Wearing ’Ask Me’ button.

CBS Orders ‘Murphy Brown’ Revival With Candice Bergen
–– Defibrillator paddles at ready.

Tell Us What to Call the Generation After Millennials (Please)
–– Mininnials.

McConnell on immigration debate: "I intend to keep my word"
–– ‘In a jar on mah desk.’

Michael Wolff To Trevor Noah On Donald Trump: “Yeah, He’s Stupid”

Sarah Sanders: ‘I Would Not Use Vanity Fair for Much Other Than a Coaster’
–– ‘As I drink Kool-aid.’

On Wedding Anniversary, Melania Trump Cancels Trip With President to Davos
–– His gift to her.

Sen. Booker just wanted to lecture me for 11 minutes: DHS secretary
–– ‘And I have 11 second attention span.’

Alabama House Ends Special Elections—And GOP Insists It Has Nothing to Do With Democrat Doug Jones's Triumph
–– ‘Doug who?’

Trump Says He Is Willing to Speak Under Oath to Mueller
–– Oath being 'Mother f**king meddler!'

Monkey see, monkey 2: Scientists clone monkeys using technique that created Dolly the sheep
–– So-called 'Banana Split.'

‘This Is Us:' Jack's cause of death revealed and fans are heartbroken
–– Straight white guyism.

Former Secretary of State John Kerry reportedly considering 2020 presidential run 
–– Botox reaches brain.

Barry Lubin, Grandma the Clown, resigns after pressuring 16-year-old aerialist into posing for pornographic photos
–– Was lubin'.

Mark E. Smith, fractious frontman of the Fall, dead at 60
–– Fallen.

Camels Disqualified From Saudi Arabian Beauty Contest for Botox Use
–– Even after sleeping with judges.

Erykah Badu Finds Empathy With Hitler and Bill Cosby: "I See Good in Everybody"
–– Even guy who calls you an idiot?

Academy Skirts Another #OscarsSoWhite Disaster With a Diverse Lineup, But Who Will Win?
–– Pants #MeToo moment.

Former Trump Aide's Fiancee Warns White House: ‘A Lot To Come’
–– Game of Russian Rollout.

James Franco's Alleged Victims Just Have One Request
–– Spell our names right.

Republican senator caught on mic calling teenage staff 'beautiful girls'
–– The swine!

Evangelical leader Franklin Graham says Trump is a 'changed person'
–– ‘The Lord no longer allows him to get it up.’

Rep. Meehan says ex-aide is his soul mate
–– Should be cellmate.

Ann Curry on Megyn Kelly's Fonda remarks: 'This is not journalism'
–– Like any other part of her act is.

Uganda’s President says he loves Donald Trump because he's frank about Africa
–– Trump: ‘And I love Moosey-whatever because he’s President for life.’

Uganda's President says he loves Donald Trump because he's frank about Africa
–– ‘I am proud shithead from shithole.’

Pope warns against 'fake news' and likens it to 'crafty serpent' in Genesis
–– Adamant evil.

Conservative evangelical leader: Trump gets a 'mulligan' on his behavior
–– For balls in trap.

German nurse charged with 97 more murders
–– Criticized for deadside manner.

Man confesses to 1993 killing in TV interview
–– On Let's Make a Plea Deal.

Kobe Bryant Lands Oscar Nomination for ‘Dear Basketball’
–– Was sexual assault in diary?

Titian painting given to Charles I's royal plumber goes up for auction
–– For someone flush with cash.

Source: New FBI director threatened to resign under pressure from Sessions
–– Sting Wray.

Microsoft’s chip security fix is turning some PCs into bricks
–– Were formerly blocks.

Trump takes immigration cues from 'Pres. Stephen Miller'
–– More ‘Führer Stephen Miller.’

Larry Nassar's fate nears after more than 100 victim impact statements
–– That was good start.

NCAA investigating Michigan State over Larry Nassar case
–– They deserve deep, painful probe.

There’s A Line Between Justice And Vengeance. Larry Nassar’s Judge Crossed It.
–– But it couldn't happen to nicer guy.

Cosby performs first stand-up event since trial
–– Stand-up and be discounted.

The 'real' Rosie the Riveter dies at 96
–– Pounded into ground.

George W. Bush's favorable rating has pulled a complete 180
–– What happens when worst president in modern times is succeeded by Trump.

Trump slaps tariffs on foreign solar panels and washing machines
–– 'I mean who still dries clothes in sun?'

Kevin Spacey cost Netflix $39 million
–– Felt like grope down there.

Budweiser falls off the list of America's three favorite beers
–– Officially designated ‘brackish water.’

Blind Long Snapper Jake Olson Tweets Video, Enters Name into USC QB Competition
–– On wrong line, but still.

Trump made a racist impersonation of another world leader: report
–– Made Scots-German President of U.S. sound like utter moron.

Trump’s 24-year-old drug appointee has inaccuracies in his resume
–– Was never ‘Willie Nelson’s official weed tester, dude.’

Joe Scarborough: Trump a ‘Bumpkin,’ ‘Idiot,’ ‘Stupid Old Blubbery Man’
–– Forgot ‘dotard’.

They Hunt. They Gather. They’re Very Good at Talking About Smells.
–– Fartchasers.

A Wet and Warm Spring, Then 200,000 Dead Saigas
–– Gaming systems will be missed.

Suzanne Somers: I’ll Say, I’m Happy with Trump … ‘Now My Career is Over!!’
–– Three’s Company and you're out.

GOP considers releasing intel behind memo alleging FISA abuses
–– Until they realize there was none.

James Franco Attends 2018 SAG Awards After Allegations of Sexually Inappropriate Behavior
–– Like Goebbels at B’nai B’rith convention.

Rev. Franklin Graham: If Trump succeeds, we all succeed
–– You, me, Satan.

Great-grandmother, 81, strangled by rapist who murdered her daughter denied compensation as injuries 'weren't serious enough'
–– Suck it up, meemaw!

Matt Lauer Reportedly Ejected From Family Home
–– Kids built home-made catapult.

Allison Janney's SAG Awards Dress Was Originally Slated for the Golden Globes
–– But it really screamed Sag!

Trump reportedly isn't happy with his interior secretary going 'rogue'
–– Thought he would just be choosing wall paper for Oval Office.

With Trump Advisor Stephen Miller In Charge of Immigration, 'We Are Going Nowhere' GOP Senator Says
–– Except internment camps.

Trump inauguration was crawling with Russians, and the FBI was watching
–– Putin sent throng to fill out crowd.

‘Defiance Disorder’: Another new book describes chaos in Trump’s White House
–– And head.

ICE detains a Polish doctor and green-card holder who has lived in the U.S. for nearly 40 years
–– Agents thought Warsaw was in Mexico.

Polish city tests drone in fight against smog
–– Coal-burning drone.

Just another day at the office: The 'proof' that Donald Trump is hard at work to avert government shutdown
–– Shows blisters on Twitter fingers.

Why this man who barged in on his cheating wife could go to jail for 15 years
–– Forgot to say 'Mother may I?'

Nicole Kidman goes old Hollywood glam at 2018 SAG Awards
–– Ageist!

Michael Wolff’s Trump Affair Clues Point to Nikki Haley, and We Hate This Story
–– And image we can’t bleach from brain.

Nikki Haley skewers Mahmoud Abbas at UN Security Council meeting
–– Trump finds it ‘hot.’

Nikki Haley denies Trump affair rumors: 'It is absolutely not true'
–– That sounds familiar…

Book: Bannon Told Ivanka, ‘You Don’t Know What You’re Doing’
–– Right before telling Michael Wolff, ‘Trump loves when I dis his daughter.’

Sen. Tom Cotton: ‘I was not offended’ by Trump's 'cursing' at meeting
–– Hisses Cottonmouth.

Paul Ryan Collected $500,000 In Koch Contributions Days After House Passed Tax Law
–– Redefine ‘chump change.’

Kid Rock Donates Merchandise Money for Voter Registration
–– In state mental hospitals.

Megyn Kelly Lambasts Jane Fonda: Her "Name Is Synonymous With Outrage"
–– As Kelly’s is with stupid.

Duckworth calls Trump 'draft dodger' in speech
–– Dodging not easy to do with bone spurs.

The 1% grabbed 82% of all wealth created in 2017
–– The rest they invested in PACs.

Cecile Richards Scolds White Women, Tells Them To ‘Do Better’
–– Like 64% turnout for black women in 2016?

A President Not Sure of What He Wants Complicates the Shutdown Impasse
–– ‘Got pussy in that budget?’

Empathize With Your Political Foe
–– Because we all feel dumb as shit sometimes.

Congressman Combating Harassment Settled His Own Misconduct Case
–– You can’t beat experience.

Trump’s one-year anniversary marked by shutdown instead of celebration
–– Sang ‘Daisy’ as memory banks went offline.

Trump touts 'unprecedented success' at one-year mark
–– ‘Unprecedented’ as in ‘no one ever called this success before’

Week of 01/19/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Stormy Daniels' Explosive Full Interview on Donald Trump Affair: "I Can Describe His Junk Perfectly"
–– “Picture Jeff Sessions. Now imagine him bald.”

Government shuts down one year into Trump’s term
–– Stalled 3 months in.

WSJ: Cohen paid porn star through private LLC created just weeks before election
–– BJ Ventures Unlimited.

U.K. Appoints a Minister for Loneliness
–– Formerly Minister of Silly Walks.

$6 million in chips stolen in Wynn casino heist
–– Mostly potato, veggie.

A woman confesses to a killing after police spot murder weapon in her Facebook photo
–– Fatally unliked friend.

Donald Trump on Using a Treadmill: “It Was At a Very Steep Angle, and I Was There For a Very Long Time”
–– Translation: it was flat, I took ten steps.

Joe Scarborough: ‘Vladimir Putin Has Something on Donald Trump’
–– And in.

Emerging GOP leader in Virginia abruptly quits Republican Party because of Trump’s racism
–– Real Trump bump.

Tom Cotton’s cease-and-desist letter to an activist raises serious First Amendment questions
–– Cotton-picky.

Christie’s 1st day out of office: I'm going to 'Springsteen on Broadway'
–– Born too round.

Will 'Tomb Raider' Break the Video Game Curse?
–– Lara larfed.

Bradford Dillman, Actor in 'Compulsion' and 'The Way We Were,' Dies at 87
–– DIllman pickled.

Carl Higbie, Trump Appointee Of Federal Agency, Resigns Over Racist, Homophobic Remarks
–– Resigns up?

Trump consumer protection chief requests $0 in funding
–– More than he deserves in salary.

India tests-fires Agni-V, a nuclear-capable ICBM
–– aka The Reincarnator.

Pope married two flight attendants in impromptu midair ceremony
–– Not couples first time down aisle.

RNC chair: Booker mansplained to DHS chief
–– Humansplained.

It’s a real shame Trump didn't eat more fish
–– And crow.

Larry Nassar accuses judge of running a 'media circus'
–– The tears of a clown.

Former Gymnastics Coach Tells Larry Nassar To 'Go To Hell' During Sentencing
–– Where demons 'examine' him.

Days After 'Shithole' Controversy, Trump Administration Bans Haiti From Applying for Low-Skilled Work Visa
–– A visa president might qualify for.

Was Trump Tricked? ‘Fire and Fury’ Author Told Trump Book’s Title Was ‘The Great Transition,’ Report Says
–– Subtitle: ‘From Disliked to Reviled.’

Great Pyramid Void May Contain Mysterious Throne Carved From Meteorite Described in Ancient Texts
–– 1968’s Chariots of the Gods?

Eric Trump: 'My father sees one color — green'
–– Like snake.

Trump’s Fake News Awards: Newsweek Clinches 8th Place, But The President Misses Even More Critical and Longer Stories
–– ‘Longer’ disqualifier.

Here Are Donald Trump’s ‘Fake News Awards’ ‘Winners’
–– To fill Bartlett’s Familiar Air Quotations.

Fox News Had the Trump-Pornstar Story Before the Election and You'll Never Guess What They Did Next
–– Ran it hard, brought down Trump campaign, right?

Should adults care who 13-year-old Millie Bobby Brown is dating?
–– So long as it’s not Roy Moore.

Amazon picks 20 finalists for its second headquarters
–– Does not include rain forest.

Bob Dole rises to his feet from wheelchair for National Anthem
–– Bob's up.

Kelly: Candidate Trump was 'uniformed'
–– Stylish black shirt.

White House Chief of Staff Calls Trump’s Campaign Wall Promises ‘Not Fully Informed’
–– In latest euphemism for ‘moronic.’

Republican Study Committee Chairman supports 'crap sandwich' funding bill
–– Served in shitHouse.

‘Bookkeeper of Auschwitz' former Nazi officer denied mercy plea
–– Accounts deceivable.

What Trump supporters think one year late
–– Same thing: nada.

It’s time for Washington to start working on artificial intelligence
–– Have no real intelligence.

Trump Should Bomb Kim Jong Un's Toilet, North Korea Expert Says
–– Which is pretty much anywhere in country.

‘Guardians Of The Galaxy’ Director James Gunn Offers $100,000 If Trump Will Step On A Scale
–– Wants to cast as The Blob in next Guardians.

‘Bigot’ Trump is Defended by 'Lying' Republican Senators After 'Shithole' Comment, Morning Joe Says
–– Now claim he said Shinolahole.

Trump’s Homeland Security Chief Not Sure If Norway Is Mostly White
–– Not sure if she's mostly blind.

Donald Trump orders CNN's Jim Acosta 'out' of Oval Office after immigration questions
–– After he refused to ‘heel’, ‘sit.’

Alec Baldwin says public outrage over Woody Allen is "unfair and sad," a statement which is unfair and sad
–– Dumb Alec.

Trump at Risk for a Heart Attack With Dangerous Weight and Skyrocketing Cholesterol
–– More fat news.

Tiffany Trump's friends just entered a sexless marriage, which isn't a terrible idea
–– According to Melania.

Ann Curry speaks out about Matt Lauer: 'I am not surprised by the allegations'
–– 'I'm friggin' ecstatic!!'

Philippines Shuts Down News Site Critical of Rodrigo Duterte
–– Grudge Report.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta: Trump has heart disease
–– In vestigial organ?

Citing ‘Inexcusable’ Treatment, Advisers Quit National Parks Panel
–– Prevent forest fires.

Pentagon Suggests Countering Devastating Cyberattacks With Nuclear Arms
–– Nigerian Prince builds fallout shelter.

Bannon Is Subpoenaed in Mueller’s Russia Investigation
–– Subpenis everywhere else.

Trump Has Perfect Cognitive Test Score, White House Physician Says
–– With help of audience, lifeline.

Keira Knightley: Female characters in modern-day movies 'nearly always get raped'
— And in real life nearly always claim they were.

Sarah Sanders Uses Official White House Twitter Handle to Complain That Amazon's Alexa Ordered a Batman Toy
–– And told Trump Haiti was shithole.

PSA: No, you can't order a Batman toy by yelling 'Batman' at your Echo
–– So another child’s lying to Sarah Sanders.

‘Ivanka Suite' At Trump International Hotel Cost $2,134 Per Night, More Than Doubling in Price in a Year
–– But now they throw her in.

Joe Arpaio Found Out He Admitted Guilt With Trump Pardon On Live TV
–– Also realized how fat he looks on camera.

Iowa voters openly laugh at GOP Sen. Joni Ernst after she claims Trump is 'standing up' for Norway
–– Like Hagar the Horrible.

Melania Trump's Martin Luther King Day Message Did Not Go Down Well
–– Rare criticism of her.

White House Press Secretary: If Trump Were Racist, Why Did NBC Give Him ‘The Apprentice’?
–– Because they’re amoral.

New York Times Editor Blasts Aziz Ansari Accuser: ‘It’s Called Bad Sex’
–– Already admitted he was master of none.

President Trump Hogs Umbrella, Melania and Barron Fend for Themselves
–– Rain of terror.

HLN Host Ashleigh Banfield Slams Aziz Ansari Accuser: "You Have Chipped Away at a Movement"
–– What chippies do.

Matt Damon Apologizes for "Spectrum of Behavior" Sexual Misconduct Remarks
–– And being Bourne male.

John Carpenter Assures Fans He's Alive After Errant Tweet
–– Or undead, at least.

Seven-year-old delivery boy causes outrage in China
–– Forgot soy sauce.

David Toschi, 86, Detective Who Pursued the Zodiac Killer, Dies
–– Cancer?

Doug Harvey, Hall of Fame Umpire Whom Players Called God, Dies at 87
–– Yer out!

Trump Defends Himself as "Least Racist Person"
–– At KKK cross burning.

Ivana Trump says the US President is 'definitely not racist'
–– 'In comparison to Stephen Miller.'

Moment floor collapses at Jakarta stock exchange
–– Bottom drops out of market.

Ben Stokes: England cricketer charged with affray after Bristol nightclub incident
–– A fray?

Trump Misquotes Himself While Claiming Wall Street Journal Misquoted Him About Kim Jong Un
–– He can’t even believe shit comes out of his mouth.

GOP senator: 'Gross misrepresentation' of Trump's 'shithole' remarks
–– More gross representation.

Female BBC stars 'threaten mass walk-out unless John Humphrys is sacked'
–– Has his removed, that is.

Former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe: Trump 'embarrasses us'
–– And this is Bubba's best bud.

Trump tweets DACA 'probably dead'
–– DACA doom.

Sam Rockwell Drops Surprise ‘F-Bomb’ on ‘SNL’
–– Couldn't be 'Funny'.

Bill Clinton: Accusation that foundation paid for daughter's wedding a 'personal insult'
–– To caterers they still owe.

Chelsea Manning files for US Senate run in Maryland
–– Expects to cross party lines.

Trey Gowdy steps down from House Ethics Committee, citing 'workload'
–– Ethic cleansing's exhausting.

‘Primal fear' as people across Hawaii get false alarm of imminent missile attack
–– Leid out.

White Supremacist Gang Leader Slain by Fellow Inmates in Exercise Yard at Folsom Prison
–– Clean and jerked dumbbell.

Condoleezza Rice on #MeToo: 'Let's not turn women into snowflakes'
–– Sends victims condoleezzances.

Week of 01/12/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump decries immigrants from 'shithole countries' coming to US
–– Straight from asshole.

Sessions wants to get back on Trump’s good side
–– Back one.

Trump had promised to be a 'champion' of Haitian-Americans
–– Muddle heavy-weight.

Donald Trump Denies “Sh*thole” Comment Even As CNN Says He Phoned Allies For Reaction To It
–– Y’know, “shi*theads”.

Fox News Justifies Trump’s ‘Shithole’ Comment, Says ‘More Offensive’ Things Are Happening in the World
–– ‘And you’re watching one.’

Rex Tillerson just gave his staff a speech about the importance of diversity
–– Sometimes refer to poor countries as ‘shitholes’, other times as ‘assghanistan’.

FCC Received Complaints Over NBC, CNN Use of Trump Profanity
–– Bleepin’ Trump!

Chris Matthews Apologizes for Making ‘Bill Cosby Pill’ Joke Before Hillary Clinton Interview
–– Sounds like he took dose.

Porn Star Was Reportedly Paid to Stay Quiet About Trump
–– This time to keep mouth shut.

Trump’s new Netherlands ambassador grilled at awkward first press conference
–– Dutch treat.

MLK nephew: Trump 'racially ignorant and racially uninformed'
–– Race-bated breath.

Trump Thinks Only Black People are on Welfare, but, Really, White Americans Receive Most Benefits
–– 'But those mamas in the Cadillacs are all black, right?'

#MeToo’s Impact on Hollywood Writers Rooms: "Maybe That's a Joke I Can't Say"
–– Rubbing assault in wounds.

The New #MeToo Economy: Hollywood Lawyers, Crisis PR Pros Seeing "Unprecedented" Uptick in Business
–– Veritable Updick.

James Franco "Responds" to New Sexual Misconduct Accusations
–– Is visibly aroused.

Trump sold $35 million in real estate in 2017, mostly to secretive buyers
–– We all saw infomercials from WH.

McAuliffe Suggests He’d Knock Out Trump During a Debate: ‘You Would Have to Pick Him Off the Floor’
–– Would need forklift.

Pope Faces Turmoil in Chile Over Indigenous Group and Sex Abuse
–– And indigenous group sex abuse?

Is this woman who successfully returned a "dead" Christmas tree to Costco a terrible person or a genius?
–– Is clerk who accepted it moron or fired?

500 Lb. Serial Killer Joseph Metheny Allegedly Served His Victims to Strangers as BBQ
–– Still less disgusting than Trump.

’Venom’ First Look: Tom Hardy Is Going to Do ‘Everything He Can’ to Deliver the Best Villain Possible
–– Engineered $1B nuclear blackmail plot to prepare.

Ellen DeGeneres Reveals Her Father Died at Age 92 in Moving Tribute
–– Tribute was going too fast, veered off road into ditch.

Mother of H&M Model in 'Racist' Monkey Hoodie Tells People to 'Get Over It'
–– Critics quietly, politely tweet “OK”, chill.

Steve Mnuchin: The purpose of tax cuts was to “put more money in companies”
–– So that was genius master plan!

Donald Trump Cancels February Visit to the U.K.
–– BBC News to air Fawlty Towers marathon instead.

Don Lemon's Had It With Trump Supporters: 'You Know What You Can Go Do?'
–– They already went, fucked selves in 2016 election.

Schiff: GOP blocking key witnesses in effort to scuttle House Russia inquiry
–– Defending indefensible.

Richard Sherman Calls NFL's Concussion Protocol 'Absolute Joke'
–– Head-shaking.

A doctor’s wife threatened to expose the opioid ring he ran, so he killed her, officials said.
–– He’s no dope.

Johnny Weir won't forgive Tonya Harding, calls Hollywood portrayal 'glamorization of a villain'
–– Refuses to take knee.

Donald Trump claims US sold Norway 'F-52' aircraft that doesn't exist
–– And nuclear viking ships.

Trump Caused Violence In Israel, West Bank To Spike With Jerusalem Embassy Move
–– Lists among first year accomplishments.

Celebrities Furious Over Report That Mark Wahlberg Made 1,000 Times More Than Michelle Williams
–– And that they don’t have his agent.

Michelle Williams offered to reshoot "All the Money in the World" for free — and Mark Wahlberg wanted *millions*
–– Inspired by title.

Kellyanne Conway says ‘no one’ at White House talks about Hillary Clinton
–– It’s all hysterical screaming.

MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough Says the Media Is "Reflexively Anti-Trump"
–– Like gag mechanism.

John Dickerson to Replace Charlie Rose on ‘CBS This Morning’
–– Needed a neuter.

Police stand guard outside Florida university class on 'white racism'
–– To make students sit through.

ICE immigration officers swoop in on 7-Elevens nationwide
–– Undocumented workers take big gulp.

Trump set to take questions alongside Norwegian prime minister
–– His answers to be translated into English.

Harvey Weinstein Slapped at Resort in Scottsdale
–– Not by woman.

Democrats to introduce ‘stable genius act’ making presidential candidates undergo mental health test
–– Trump already performing ‘stable genius act’.

Donald Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level, the lowest of last 15 U.S. presidents, according to analysis
–– A fourth grade full of stable geniuses.

Chef at Mario Batali's Babbo restaurant steps down amid allegations of sexual misconduct, 'lewdly' stroking meats
–– Don’t order tartare.

Russell Simmons ends #NotMe campaign after sexual misconduct accusations, says report
–– Replaced with #MaybeMe.

Royal Pet Peeves: The 1 Word Queen Elizabeth Won’t Ever Use and Other Things She Can’t Stand
–– Taint. Ass-less chaps, Night Train, felching.

Trump Tells American Farmers: ‘You Are So Lucky I Gave You That Privilege’ of Voting for Me
–– Explains how he fashioned U.S. Constitution.

If Donald Trump 'Doesn't Call Himself a Genius, Nobody Else Will,' Lindsey Graham Says
–– Not without multiple quote marks.

Doctors Want Trump to Undergo an Emergency Mental Health Evaluation. Here's How that Would Work
–– Unscrew the cranial merkin, carefully peek inside with flashlights.

Americans are paying for Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Sanders to have their makeup done
–– Well, they make up everything.

McConnell decries 'obstruction' on judicial nominees, irony weeps
–– Irony’s been drinking heavily this past year, breaks down all the time.

Armond White Wants You to Know ‘Justice League’ Is Much Better Than ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’
–– Only dogs can hear faint praise.

The US is reportedly considering a 'bloody nose' attack to humiliate North Korea — here's how it could go down
–– Would lift little feller high off ground via wedgie.

Roseanne Barr explains why her TV character is a Trump supporter: 'It's just realistic'
–– ‘She always was stupid.’

This Is the Reason So Many People Hate Donald Trump Jr.
–– Here, this picture of his face.

Second Republican Lawmaker Commits Suicide Following Sexual Abuse Allegations In Less than a Month
–– Pervs pledge to keep up pace.

In swift reversal, Trump admin says no new oil drilling off Florida coast
–– Does open Gov. Rick Scott's pate for exploration.

Trump Blasted for National Anthem Performance: ‘Disgraceful for Any President’
–– Except Putin.

After Dad Fails To Sing Anthem, Trump Jr. Tweets That's 'How It's Done'
–– ‘Since January 20, 2017.'

Catherine Deneuve Signs Letter Blaming #MeToo for Spurring ‘Puritanism,’ Unfair Punishment of Men
–– Viva la indifference.

Zuma spacecraft launched by SpaceX is lost after failing to reach orbit
–– Redubbed Zima.

Moments after midnight, Australian same-sex couples say 'I do'
–– Mate.

Is Oprah the Un-Trump, or the Un-Clinton?
–– The Un-Acceptable.

Jeff Bezos is the richest person in history
–– Claims Alexa.

Schiff: 'It doesn't take a genius' to see Trump 'badgering' spurred Clinton Foundation investigation
–– So he didn't ask Trump.

Louis C.K. Animated Comedy 'The Cops' Scrapped at TBS in Latest Harassment Fallout
–– Jerked off schedule.

LG Display's 65-inch TV rolls up like wrapping paper
–– Or toilet roll.

Coachella Bans Marijuana, Despite California Legalization
–– ‘Ya mean we gotta listen to The Weekend sober?’

Scanning an Ancient Biblical Text That Humans Fear to Open
–– Especially Nazis worried about melted faces.

BBC News Editor Quits Her Post to Protest Gender Pay Gap
–– More money for the gents!

Full Panel: Marijuana Legalization Might Be The One Thing Americans Agree On
–– Especially now.

Sharon Stone, 59, wore one of the most revealing dresses at the Golden Globes
–– Barely contains boulders.

Evan Rachel Wood Asks Golden Globes Guests To “Circle” Alleged Harassers
–– Circle jerks?

Golden Globes: Seth Meyers monologue jokes carefully tackle sexual misconduct
–– Oh, those were jokes.

James Franco Blocked Tommy Wiseau From Hijacking His Golden Globes Award Speech
–– Almost cleared The Room.

Roger Waters, Peter Gabriel Sign Letter Supporting Lorde's Israel Decision
–– Lorde shall Semite thee.

Tiffany Trump says her father ‘wishes’ he ate McDonald's in bed every night
–– With hooker dressed as Ronald wetting sheets.

Sources: Oprah Winfrey 'actively thinking' about running for president
–– 'Actively thinking' already makes her more qualified than Trump.

How Hot Was It in Australia? Hot Enough to Melt Asphalt
–– So hot roos put ice packs in pouches.

Trump Administration Rules That Nearly 200,000 Salvadorans Must Leave, Officials Say
–– Trump: 'Including that weirdo painter Dali.'

Bannon Tries Backing Away From Explosive Commen
–– Through minefield.

Donald Trump to undergo medical check amid swirl of allegations over his health
–– Critics want craniorectal exam.

Theresa May: I'm not concerned about Donald Trump's mental stability
–– ‘I’ve got Boris Johnson to worry about.’

These Boris Johnson articles about 'hot totty' and 'tank-topped bumboys' show why he defended Toby Young
–– Sounds like 'top tanked dumboy.'

Trump Could Destroy the Entire Human Species, Says Yale Psychiatrist Who Warned Congress Members
–– So he is God like he thinks.

London, Warsaw and Jerusalem celebrate "No Pants Day"
–– Israelis' cut short.

Seth Meyers Savages Sexual Predators Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey in Golden Globes Monologue
–– But they like it rough.

Saudi Arabia Jails 11 Royal Family Members Who Didn't Want to Pay Their Own Bills, Report Says
–– No great sheikhs.

Trump Says U.S. 'Not Going To Look Foolish As Long As I'm Here'
–– Nothing does when he’s there for comparison.

Ryan Seacrest didn't want to talk about the Time's Up movement
–– Preferred Up Times.

It’s Not Genius For Trump To Point To Reagan When Defending His Mental Stability
–– Forgot about Alzheimer’s.

Wolff Says White House Spoke Of Replacing Trump Via 25th Amendment ‘All The Time’
–– Part of daily prayer.

Sen. Tom Cotton on Wolff book: Trump has 'been active, engaged and effective leader'
–– Radioactive, engaged in larceny, ineffective.

Before losing battle with cancer, this 27-year-old woman penned a heartbreaking, eye-opening letter
–– If you want to have stroke, go blind.

Lewandowski Slams 'Fire And Fury' Book, Which Alludes To His Relationship With Hope Hicks
–– She should be angry one.

The Ocean Floor Is Sinking Under The Water Weight From Melting Glaciers, And It’s As Bad As It Sounds
–– Sounds good, levels should be lower.

Reese Witherspoon's smoky pink Golden Globes eye look made her whole face glow
–– Like Thomas fire.

Oprah Would ‘Absolutely’ Run for President, Stedman Graham Says
–– And this is good news?

President Trump’s Schedule Heavy on ‘Executive Time’
–– On throne.

Stephen Miller had to be escorted off CNN's set after his interview with Jake Tapper went off the rails
–– On crazy train.

Water leak floods JFK Airport baggage claim, forces evacuation
–– Carousel doubles as river adventure ride.

Texas Rex stands his ground in the face of Trump administration chaos
–– Good boy, Rex.

Axios: Trump's official West Wing schedule getting shorter
–– Silver lining of week.

NFLer accuses Incognito of racial slurs
–– Unrecognizable ones.

Trump calls his presidency 'consensual,' Twitter responds
–– Country cries #MeToo!

Trump, Defending His Mental Fitness, Says He’s a ‘Very Stable Genius’
–– Like Flicka, Trigger.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson: 'I intend to be here for the whole year'
–– ‘I also expect to sprout wings this Spring.’

Tillerson says he's 'never questioned' Trump's mental fitness
–– ‘Moron’s a snug fit for Presidency.’

Week of 01/05/18

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Michael Wolff Thanks Trump for Making His Book #1
–– And Trump loves #1, ask Russian hookers.

Moore's Jewish lawyer is a practicing Christian
–– Praise Jesus!

Wolff Book: Trump Is ‘Incapable of Functioning’ in His Job, Can’t Recognize Old Friends
–– Old friends amused, relieved.

Michael Wolff to Trump: 'Where do I send the box of chocolates?'
–– Trump: “My mom always said life was like a box of chocolates.”

Trump lawyer sends cease-and-desist to Michael Wolff publisher
–– Over excessive celebrating.

Donald Trump Called Melania His 'Trophy Wife,' Barely Spent Time With Her Before Presidency and Was Absent Father to Barron, Book Claims
–– Like Trump’s elusive Emmy, only with less to say.

Science has a solution for that constant ringing in your ear
–– Non-hoop earrings.

Doug Jones' gay son sentences Mike Pence to life in side-eye prison
–– Pence has minister perform exorcism after swearing-in.

Teacher mom, 38, charged in sex romps with six teen boys is now focus of three new lawsuits
–– Reading, 'riting, rhythm stick.

Trump Told Hope Hicks She Was 'The Best Piece Of Tail' Corey Lewandowski Would Ever Have, Book Claims
–– ‘Until we gang-banged Lady Liberty.’

Sarah Huckabee Sanders kills irony dead, once and for all
–– Pardox on life support.

‘Today’ Show Staff Not Upset Over Loss of Matt Lauer, Source Says
–– Female interns can finally pick up paper clips on floor.

Who Will Get Charles Manson’s Body? A Legal Battle Is Underway
–– Let satanists have him.

Golden Globes Men's Fashion Preview: The End of Peacocking?
–– Start of Pussywhipping?

BAFTA Awards: Stephen Fry Steps Down as Host
–– Fry stirred.

Trump Plans Vast Expansion of Offshore Drilling
–– Slick move.

White House: It's 'disgraceful and laughable' to question Trump's mental fitness
–– Because mental fitness is both.

Weight Watchers soars on DJ Khaled endorsement
–– Like Hindenburg.

Australia wants to sell pot to the world
–– Along Great Barrier Reefer.

Trump administration eases penalties against negligent nursing homes
–– In preparation for his upcoming stay.

“You Can’t Make This S--- Up": My Year Inside Trump's Insane White House
–– But that’s exactly what he does.

Researchers Discover Two Major Flaws in the World’s Computers
–– Chips are down.

Republicans in South Carolina want to honor black Confederate soldiers. There's just one problem...
–– There was as many of those as black Kings of Norway.

White House bans personal cell phones from the West Wing
–– Two-way wrist radios OK.

Flub costs ‘Jeopardy!’ contestant
–– Isn’t that game?

Anthony Scaramucci: Donald Trump's view on climate change would surprise people
–– But we think it’s Martian hoax, too.

Scaramucci to Bannon: Get back to therapist
–– Aroma therapist.

Sessions to rescind Obama-era pot rules
–– In boldest move of New Year, 1958.

Jewels stolen from Venice exhibition in brazen daytime heist
–– Thieves escape in unmarked gondola.

Trump dissolves voter fraud commission
–– In warm spit.

Cryptocurrency boom: Why everyone is talking about ripple
–– Need cheap buzz.

Iceland makes it illegal to pay women less than men
–– Will Reykjadik over coals.

Paul Sorvino Threatens Harvey Weinstein- 'I Will Kill That Motherf---er'
–– Pauly walnuts.

Donald Trump Responds To Utah Senator Orrin Hatch's Retirement
–– Downs the Hatch.

Report: Scaramucci telling friends that Trump wants him back in the White House
–– Isn't finished Mooching off taxpayers.

White House Says Secret Rounds Of Golf Make Donald Trump A Better President
–– Anything the keeps him out of office.

Woman who punched male groper defends actions and attire: 'A human’s body is their own'
–– Quite a handful.

Hoda Kotb's 'Today' Salary Far Less Than Matt Lauer's
–– Will get door-locking button at desk.

Bannon: 2016 Trump Tower meeting was 'treasonous'
–– Crossed words.

Mueller Will 'Crack Trump Jr. Like an Egg,' Says Bannon, Branding Russia Trump Tower Meeting 'Treasonous'
–– Make Eggs Benedict Arnold.

Trump unloads on former top aide Bannon: 'He lost his mind'
–– Like misplacing spare key.

Trump’s latest on Bannon: 'He called me a great man last night'
–– ‘And said it was best sex he ever had.’

'Idiot': Murdoch mocked Trump after phone call on immigration, book claims
–– Fox and hound.

11 dead from cold as East Coast braces for winter 'bomb cyclone'
–– Direct from Weather Channel’s Office of Scary Names.

Sumner Redstone's Ex-Companion Loses Bid to Revive Health Care Case
–– Would first have to revive him.

Mike Tyson to Open 40-Acre Marijuana Resort 'Tyson Ranch' in Southern California
–– With a mule?

Recreational Pot Is Officially Legal in California
–– Cali high is calling.

Mudslide danger replaces fire threat in Southern California
–– But now nobody cares.

It’s not just pot: California's legislating guns, tampons and diaper changes in 2018
–– Hits, slits, shits.

Pot Panic: Fox News' Laura Ingraham Roasted After Criticizing CNN New Year's Eve Coverage
–– Refer madness.

Trump taunts North Korea: My nuclear button is 'much bigger,' 'more powerful'
–– Offers to show Kim, if he shows first.

Meghan Markle unrecognizable in never-before-seen holiday photo
–– That’s her foot sticking out from behind tree.

North Korea Leader Kim Jong Un Breaks Tradition With Gray-Colored Suit for New Year's Address
–– Drab Party suit at Chinese laundry.

Peggy Cummins, Legendary Femme Fatale of 'Gun Crazy,' Dies at 92
–– Cummins and goins.

Iran’s Supreme Leader blames 'enemies' for protests, death toll hits 21
–– Not ‘friends’.

Gretchen Carlson wants to rebuild Miss America Organization to empower women: 'It's a form of justice'
–– Contestants in gowns will be blindfolded, carry scales, swords.

Israeli archaeologists find 2,700-year-old 'governor of Jerusalem' seal impression
–– Included ‘flipper’ clapping, barks, balancing ball on nose.

Peter Martins Retires From New York City Ballet After Misconduct Allegations
–– Full split.

Dave Chappelle Says Louis C.K. Accuser Has a "Brittle
–– Louis should’ve been able to handle himself?

CNN’s Randi Kaye Reports Live With Lit Marijuana Joint on NYE Telecast
–– In roach clip.

Jodie Foster Says Studios Are ‘Ruining’ Movies With Big-Budget Superhero Blockbusters
–– But wasn’t she Thor’s girlfriend?

Dan Talbot, Impresario of Art Films, Is Dead at 91
–– Fin.

Jets never thought about playing Christian Hackenberg
–– Even though he was one of few opponents they might’ve beat.

All the Stores That Are Open on New Year's Day 2018 — And What's Closed
–– The ones not open.

Trump Slashed Staffing In All Cabinet Departments Except Three, Reversing Obama Hiring Expansion
–– With boxcutter.

Mike Pence's Vacation Home Neighbors Trolled Him With a 'Make America Gay Again' Banner
–– Mike ponce?

Disney Is Bringing Mace Windu Back Into the ‘Star Wars’ Universe
–– Windu left open.

Trump: Pakistan 'given us nothing but lies & deceit'
–– Talk about regifting.

Rep. Cohen: Trump is "the most despicable human being" ever to be president
–– Then confirmed water’s wet.

Trump Booster David Clarke Threatens To Make Media 'Taste Their Own Blood'
–– Licking their wounds?

Kim Jong Un: U.S. War With North Korea Is Impossible Because Nuclear Arsenal Is Now Complete, Button on my Desk
–– 'Next to Diet Coke button, just like American Dotard.'

UN Secretary-General Puts World On 'Red Alert' In Somber New Year's Eve Address
–– Button on his desk reads ‘panic’.

Trump Hikes Prices For Mar-a-Lago New Year's Eve Party Tickets
–– Includes Apocalypse surcharge.

Trump to New Year's Eve guests: 2018's 'going to be something very, very special’
–– ‘Like a Counsel.’

President Trump, first lady host New Year's Eve bash
–– Take turns punching Jeff Sessions.

Starz Channels Go Dark in New York Area Amid Altice USA Contract Fight
–– Dwarf Starz.

Mariah Carey Redeems Herself on Freezing ‘New Year’s Rockin’ Eve’ Do-Over
–– Atonals for her sins.

Who Are Kim Jong Un's Children and Does North Korea Have an Heir?
–– Heir of desperation.

Would Ivana Trump Make a Better First Lady Than Melania? She Says Yes
–– FLOTUS like butterfly, stings like bee.

This Completely Disturbing Fact Will Make You Question the Queen’s Royal Marriage to Prince Philip
–– It won’t even make me think about it.

New Year’s Eve in Times Square sounds like a urine-soaked hell
–– Eternal dampnation.

How cold is it? It's so cold that sharks are dying
–– So don't expect a loan.

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