Headbangers 12/17
Headbangers 11/17
Headbangers 10/17
Headbangers 09/17
Headbangers 08/17
Headbangers 07/17
Headbangers 06/17
Headbangers 05/17
Headbangers 04/17
Headbangers 03/17
Headbangers 02/17
Headbangers 01/17
Headbangers 2016
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 08/25/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Pardons Joe Arpaio, Who Became Face of Crackdown on Illegal Immigration
–– And Ass.

Five key pieces of Trump's Afghanistan plan
–– 1. Hunh?

‘Fox & Friends’ guest: Former sheriff Arpaio deserves pardon, Medal of Freedom
–– & Mexican sex slaves.

If he’ll pardon Arpaio, why wouldn’t Trump pardon those who ignore Robert Mueller?
–– Gee, I wonder…

Sebastian Gorka Worked Hard to Make it Sound Like His Firing Was a Resignation
–– Resumes former job as Dracula's lackey.

Floyd Mayweather's purse at $100M; Conor McGregor's $30M biggest of career
–– Previous was clutch worth couple mil.

Trump Gives Mattis Wide Discretion Over Transgender Ban
–– Allowed to crack Kaitlin Jenner jokes as he cashiers soldiers.

Bush and Obama Fought a Failed ‘War on Terror.’ It’s Trump’s Turn.
–– He’ll easily outfail them.

Macron spends $30,000 on makeup as policies stall
–– Nearly a third of old lady’s budget.

Deadly clashes break out in India after controversial guru found guilty of rape
–– Pro-rape rally includes some very fine people on both sides.

A GOP senator wrote a bill to protect Robert Mueller. Trump called him to try to kill it.
–– In never-ending quest to redefine obstrution.

Couple Says Jesus Appeared in Their Baby's Sonogram: 'We Were So Relieved'
–– ‘First one showed a fetus with horns on it.’

Former Obama White House Official Slams Trump's Administration: "I Never Hired a Lawyer"
–– Yeah, but you weren’t trying to bring jobs back to Americans.

Amy Schumer: I don't deserve equal pay to Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle
–– They don't even deserve it.

Rapper Cancels Shows After Saying He Didn't Need Eclipse Glasses
–– Due to unseen circumstances.

Trump confuses 't-o' and 't-o-o' during Thursday tweet storm
–– To stupid for words.

Trump misspells a lot of words. Should you care?
–– He threatens to deport Noah Webster if alternate spellings of heal, tap, there, too not added to dictionary.

‘Game of Thrones': Here’s the Likely Reason Uncle Benjen Showed Up in the Nick of Time
–– Writer’s block.

'That Don't Impress Me Much' inspired by nude Brad Pitt pics
–– Original title: 'I've Seen Bigger.'

The strange story of a 'Blacks for Trump' guy standing behind the president at his Phoenix rally
–– You’re never ever gonna believe this: he’s crazy!

Duterte Fires Sniper Rifle At Jihadis In Marawi After Capture of Grand Mosque
–– Running out of narcos for target pratice.

Trump Staffer Responsible For Finding Positive News Stories Resigns
–– After running out of them.

White supremacist becomes first white man in Florida to be executed for killing black man
–– In that state, qualifies as civil rights victory.

Robert E Lee's descendant tells Trump to stop defending Confederate statues: 'How dare you'
–– Appealing to well-documented sense of shame.

Anderson Cooper Mocks 'World's Biggest Victim' Donald Trump
–– Aww-ful.

‘We ARE building it' Trump threatens to 'SHUT DOWN' Government to build Mexico wall
–– 'Even if we have to pay the Mexicans to build it!'

Trump adviser Roger Stone warns any politician who votes to impeach him would 'endanger their own life'
–– So it's win-win.

Tanker becomes first to cross Arctic without icebreaker
–– Soon arctic tankers will include water parks on deck.

Bill Nye to Disney: You owe me $9 million for 'Science Guy'
–– Apparently also 'Math Guy'.

Gary Cohn, Key Trump Adviser, Criticizes His Charlottesville Response
–– So maybe mohel didn’t cut off whole thing.

Donald Trump attacks James Clapper after former Intel Chief says he was unfit to be President
–– Rings his bell.

Qantas challenges Boeing and Airbus to cross aviation's 'last frontier'
–– Initiate kangaroos into mile-high club.

Was Cuban sonic attack a weapon, or an accident?
–– Or just a really bad salsa band?

Former CIA officer explains stunt to boot Trump from Twitter
–– Playing the Plame game.

Jay Thomas, 'Cheers' actor, dead at 69
–– Last call.

Brain Injury and the Civil Right We Don’t Think About
–– Because of the brain…y’know…

Amazon: We're lowering Whole Foods prices on Monday
–– To 'ripoff.'

WSJ staffers unhappy with cautious treatment of President Trump
–– In latest slang for 'hand job.'

ESPN Host Arrested for Allegedly Entering Wrong Condo While Drunk
–– Penalized for dribbling while traveling.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn’s Stolen Nude Photos Removed From Website After Hack
–– Putter, peaks removed.

White House has paperwork ready for Joe Arpaio pardon
–– On stack that includes Flynn, Manafort, Kushner, dozens more.

Mel B walks off 'America's Got Talent'
–– Because she hasn’t.

Republican PAC president on Kid Rock: 'We'd be actually very interested in his candidacy'
–– Criminal psychologists, too, as study in deviant behavior.

First Look at Hillary Clinton's New Book: Trump 'Breathing Down My Neck'
–– Sounds like real bodice-ripper.

H.R. McMaster showed Trump a black-and-white, 1972 image of Afghan women walking in miniskirts to convince him of a plan for Afghanistan
–– Nostalgic image from last year Trump ‘got off a really good one’ turned trick.

Idaho Republican Insists It's 'Plausible' Barack Obama Staged Charlottesville White Nationalist Rally Violence
–– To Mr. Potato Head.

France’s Charlie Hebdo publishes provocative Islam cartoon
–– Which you will definitely not see in this article.

Boy, 14, arrested in Saudi for 'improper public behaviour' by dancing to Macarena in street
–– Hard to argue with that description, but jail time a bit harsh.

Trevor Noah On Return From South Africa: Left “Third World And Landed In Third Reich”
–– Couldn't tell them apartheid.

Barcelona Attack Suspect: I Thought I Was Renting Vans for a House Move
–– Claims he didn’t know it was complete teardown.

North Korea's Kim Jong Un Orders More Warheads Rewarding Rocket Scientists with Special Bonus
–– Twigs with mossy rock dinners.

Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller criticizes Six Flags' removal of Confederate flag
–– Now Five Flags?

Confederate flags in NYC window met with rocks, suit, tarp
–– Scars and bars.

Catholic priest resigns after revealing he was a cross-burning member of the KKK
–– Before setting crucifix on fire.

Mike Pence's Answer On Confederate Statues? Build More!
–– Dress Trump in general's uniform, pour concrete over him.

Trump supporters post fake photos of huge crowds at Phoenix rally - as real images show room half-empty
–– Brain scans of attendees show similar results.

ESPN, Citing Safety, Says Robert Lee Won’t Broadcast Virginia Football Game
–– From horseback.

“End of an Era": Village Voice Will No Longer Be in Print
–– A mere two decades after irrelevancy.

How do you know if the eclipse hurt your eyes?
–– Can you read this?

Jared Kushner heads to the Middle East
–– Leaders stockpiling sneers.

Patty Smyth Sings ‘Goodbye to You’ to Image of Steve Bannon at Madison Square Garden
–– Has-been salutes Never-was.

German Police Seize 5,000 ‘Trump-Shaped’ Ecstasy Tablets
–– Weren’t those Misery tablets?

Mnuchin’s Wife Mocks Oregon Woman Over Lifestyle and Wealth
–– Let them eat cuck.

Trump administration halts research on mountaintop coal mining's health effects
–– Won’t cough up funding.

Trump, McConnell haven't spoken since angry phone call, sources say
–– Rumored Majority Leader returned BFF cock ring.

‘Most news is not fake': Mitch McConnell rejects one of Trump's favorite claims
–– Take that, bitch.

Breitbart Apologizes for Mistaking German Soccer Player for Traveling Migrant
–– 'Not fake', just wrong.

Mitch McConnell: 'Zero chance' US fails to raise the debt ceiling
–– Looking into his tiny, fragile crystal balls.

McConnell, in Private, Doubts if Trump Can Save Presidency
–– 'Zero chance'?

Vice News' Elle Reeve Crushes Donald Trump's Claims About Charlottesville
–– Hey, he's got a winery there, boho newsgirl!

Is Rex Tillerson Destroying the State Department in Order to Save It?
–– Or just for shits and giggles?

Tucker Carlson: Trump Staring At The Sun 'Most Impressive Thing Any President Has Done'
–– Not any, but this one.

‘We Are Not Nation-Building Again,' Trump Says While Unveiling Afghanistan Strategy
–– “We are in demo phase here and abroad.’

To Sue Founder of Daily Stormer, a Neo-Nazi Site, First He Must Be Found
–– See no evil?

Donald Trump’s Afghanistan Plan Slammed by Experts, Breitbart as ‘Hodgepodge’ That Repeats Obama and Bush
–– Recipe for disaster.

Paul Ryan: Trump 'messed up' Charlottesville response
–– Brave words of maverick.

Ryan: Censure 'would be so counterproductive'
–– 'Might undo the monument to mendacity we're constructing.'

Former Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson says slavery is 'good history'
–– Those were the days.

Steve Bannon reportedly wants Priebus to testify to Mueller that Jared Kushner was behind Comey's firing
–– Reince and spin.

Steve Bannon Reportedly Calls Jared Kushner And Ivanka Trump 'Javanka' Behind Their Backs
–– Also name of newest venti drink at Starbucks.

Inside Trump’s Renovated Oval Office: Subtle Cream Wallpaper, Many More Flags
–– For all Seven Kingdoms.

Is the term ‘anti-aging’ offensive? Activists petition L’Oreal and Estee Lauder to stop using it
–– Will replace with ‘pro-youth.’

Trump nominee Sam Clovis: 'As far as we know' homosexuality's a choice, 'logical' LGBT protections could lead to legalization of pedophilia
–– That’s the royal ‘we’ as in weirdo.

Leslie Jones of ‘S.N.L.’: ‘I Just Like to Bring the Funny’
–– 'If I ever find some.'

ICE insists it doesn’t use Stingrays to track undocumented immigrants
–– Mantas, maybe.

Canada’s Trudeau warns against entering country 'irregularly'
–– Government to offer gentle laxative at border.

Christian Radio Host Bryan Fischer: Eclipse Is A Sign Of The Work Of Satan
–– Blame Old Nick for keeping him on air.

Putin appoints replacement for controversial Washington ambassador caught up in US election fixing claims
–– Sergey Kislyak will return to former career as vodka ad model.

Gingrich: Trump needs to 'quit stepping on himself'
–– ‘Get back to stomping on the little guy!’

‘That’s too bad': Trump response to news 10 sailors could be dead is condemned
–– Better than first response: 'Ship happens.'

Stephen Bannon reportedly wants to take down Jared Kushner
–– From wall hook where Trump leaves him at night.

Christopher Cantwell, White Nationalist in Vice Video, Braces for Charges
–– Didn’t cant well.

A Deal Breaker for Trump’s Supporters? Nope. Not This Time, Either.
–– Better than first response: 'Ship happens.'

Steven Mnuchin Defends Trump’s Reaction to Charlottesville Violence
–– Shame old shame old.

Why Waiters Drink. And Why It Matters.
–– Diners.

Trump Settles on Afghan Strategy Expected to Raise Troop Levels
–– Because he always chooses worst option.

University of Texas removes four Confederate statues
–– History department decries loss of ‘visual aids.’

Grimsby Town fans asked 'to show bras' to Stevenage security
–– And squeeze their soccer balls.

France’s Brigitte Macron gets role but no 'first lady' title
–– Informally dubbed GILF-in-chief.

Killer robots: Experts warn of 'third revolution in warfare'
–– Mech my day.

The rise and fall of Miami’s ‘CEO of Purple Drank’
–– aka 'Codeine of Sudents.'

Liberty University graduates return diplomas because of support for Trump by Jerry Falwell Jr.
–– Before the crayon rubbed off of them.

The great American eclipse is finally here
–– Actually started on Inauguration Day.

The two sides of Jerry Lewis
–– Unfunny, painfully unfunny.

Jerry Lewis: Will his infamous 'lost' film ever be seen?
–– The day the clown died or shortly thereafter?

‘At a Dark Time in My Life, He Brought Me Joy’: Comedians Mourn and Celebrate Jerry Lewis
–– ‘Realizing someone that witless could succeed.’

Secret Service can't pay agents for Trump and his family, report says
–– Looking for volunteers to take bullet for Tiffany.

Most moms aren't putting babies to sleep safely, study says
–– Should use hydrogen cyanide.

USS John S. McCain collides with merchant ship in Pacific
–– Sen. Ron Johnson blames brain tumor.

Trump Describes Boston Protesters as “Anti-Police Agitators,” Misspells Heal Four Times
–– Obsessing on heels.

Asian-American doctor says white nationalists refuse her care
–– Hopefully the most critical ones.

Bannon Was Set for a Graceful Exit. Then Came Charlottesville.
–– Performing the Dying Swan in tutu.

Trump to Bannon on Breitbart gig: 'Fake News needs the competition'
–– From faker news.

MLB Umps Wear White Wristbands to Protest Increased Verbal Attacks by Players
–– And pink tutus.

Is Taylor Swift about to drop a new album?
–– Fans camped outside Polo Bar ladies room.

Trump to skip Kennedy Center Honors
–– He found out he wasn't winning anything.

Week of 08/18/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Bannon or no Bannon, Trump will be Trump
–– Let Trump beat Trump.

'#WAR': Breitbart set to take on Trump White House after Bannon ouster
–– Battle of the Bastards.

Steve Bannon to Weekly Standard: 'The Trump presidency that we fought for, and won, is over'
–– If only we could believe him, just once.

Sebastian Gorka's PhD adviser: "I would not call him an expert in terrorism"

Trump Tells Aides He Has Decided to Remove Stephen Bannon
–– 'Now at proctologist's. Sad.'

A Charlottesville Attacker Says He “Isn’t Racist Because He’s Puerto Rican”
–– Or 'useless spic.'

Criticism grows over Netanyahu's response to US neo-Nazism
–– Semite thy enemy.

Trump just cited a debunked story about a general who shot Muslims with bullets dipped in pigs' blood to send a message to terrorists
–– Did Bannon offer a few pints in last ditch effort to stay?

Verizon 'Actively Investigating' Man Who Wore Company Gear At Charlottesville Rally
–– Can you hate me now?

Let’s Talk About These Crotch Charms
–– Are they groin on you?

Donald Trump fan has 13 surgical procedures to look like Ivanka Trump
–– Including removal of brain cells.

Did outing Charlottesville's white supremacists just make them more committed?
–– They should all be committed.

‘Antifa’ Grows as Left-Wing Faction Set to, Literally, Fight the Far Right
–– Antifa so la-di-da.

What if Donald Trump is just winging it?
–– What he’s winging is American Eagle with buckshot.

White House: Technology council is going 'full steam ahead'
–– Moving much faster without all the industry baggage.

Time for My Fellow Republicans to Stand Up and Be Counted
–– Ignore the loads in your pants!

Using emoticons in work emails make you look incompetent, a study finds
–– But so cute.

Maine Gov: Removing Confederate Statues Like Losing 9/11 Memorial
–– Someone should tear LePage from history.

Spencer: 'Make white privilege great again'
–– It’s already way better than you deserve.

John Cleese Disses U.S. Comedies, Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch
–– Technically, Murdoch’s an Australian comedy.

KKK Grand Dragon says I'm 'glad' Heather Heyer died in Charlottesville
–– But not all his statements were morally reprehensible, believe me.

KKK leader threatens to 'burn' black Latina journalist and calls her a 'n*****' during interview
–– Did say he wouldn't mind if she mothered his mongrel bastard.

Anti-Muslim Australian senator wears burqa in Parliament
–– Act of mercy for fellow legislators.

Charlottesville white supremacists 'terrified' of being exposed online
–– Wets sheet he’s wearing.

White Supremacist Who Boasted About Being 'Ready for Violence' Cries Over Possible Charlottesville Arrest Warrant
–– Yellow lives matter.

Study Finds Many White Nationalists Are Upset About Their Genetic-Ancestry-Test Results
–– Should be more concerned with Stanford-Binet intelligence test.

Texas Bathroom Bill Dies Again, Raising Republican Acrimony
–– Won’t flush.

Trump lawyer John Dowd spreads email saying 'there literally is no difference' between Robert E. Lee and George Washington
–– ‘Did anyone ever see them together in the same room at the same time?’

Fox News Guest Says Confederate And Pride Flags Are 'The Exact Same Thing'
–– 'Did anyone ever see them together held by the same person at the same time?'

Trump ‘Sad’ Over Removal of ‘Our Beautiful Statues’
–– Sadder still that the only statue he’ll get will be on David Duke’s lawn.

Curt Schilling Says He 'Absolutely' Still Supports Donald Trump
–– Bloody sock puppet.

Direct descendants of Robert E. Lee denounce white nationalists
–– General flips Trump bird from Great Beyond.

VP Pence: "I stand with the President"
–– ‘On necks of blacks and Jews.’

Jewish Trump Officials Silent on President’s Defense of Anti-Semitic Protesters
–– Pence: 'Katz got their tongue.'

Trump Ends C.E.O. Advisory Councils as Main Group Acts to Disband
–– Follow suits.

Why Women Had Better Sex Under Socialism
–– Even when they were Russian?

Rob Ryan trolls Rex over foot obsession
–– With arch comment.

Olivia Munn doesn’t care whom Aaron Rodgers is dating
–– Or if it should be ‘who’.

Rudy Giuliani rushed to the hospital after falling
–– Doctors reassure grateful public that though not life-threatening, injury very painful.

‘D–k Pic Locator’ is every perv’s worst nightmare
–– Instagland.

Stan Lee recycles 1968 column condemning bigotry after Charlottesville Nazi rally
–– In response to villainous White Man.

‘The president let a Jew steal his daughter': White nationalist Charlottesville rally co-organizer says he's disgusted to see Jared Kushner with Ivanka as he predicts MORE people are going to die
–– Trump: ‘It wasn't like I lost a daughter, I gained a shvantz-in-law.'

Trump's former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski threatened couple with a baseball bat and promised to use his 'political clout' to make their lives a 'nightmare,' new lawsuit claims
–– ‘Bat, clout. It was a visual metaphor. These people are so jejune.’

'Frankenstein dinosaur' enigma solved
–– Feared fire even before it was invented.

Hope Hicks Will Serve as Interim White House Communications Director
–– Hicks hope she stays.

This Widower Dealt With His Loneliness By Building A Pool For Neighborhood Kids
–– Filled with his tears.

Pakistan May Soon Put The U.S. To Shame On Transgender Rights
–– Westeros could put U.S. to shame on civil rights.

Paul Ryan opponent says he believes 'pizzagate' conspiracy
–– Won't name his sauces.

Oliver Stone on Charlottesville: "Deep State" Is "Bigger Problem" Than Trump
–– LSD finally kicking in.

Fox News Host Kat Timpf Absolutely Goes Off on ‘Disgusting’ Trump Presser
–– Giving him Timpf biscuit.

White supremacist who marched in Charlottesville: 'I'm not the angry racist they see in that photo'
–– ‘That’s my evil twin, Otto.’

Rachel Lindsay Is Selling Her Clothes from The Bachelor to Benefit the ACLU
–– Only decent thing too come out of 22 seasons.

Top US general says it's Trump's decision whether to strike N. Korea
–– As he weeps uncontrollably.

Helen Mirren Dismisses Ivanka Trump as Out-of-Touch Fluff, Hopes Melania Will Take President Down
–– Actually In-Touch Fuffer for dad.

Mike Pence Says Media Spent Too Much Time Condemning Trump for Racist Charlottesville March
–– And not enough for winning so much America can't bear it!

Alex Jones: Jewish Actors Dress as KKK To Cause Clashes
–– "Knish Kishka Klezmer is what it stands for!'

Sebastian Gorka said white supremacists were 'not the problem' days before Charlottesville
–– Gorkward!

Defense Secretary James Mattis Says North Korean Attack on U.S. Could 'Escalate Into War' Quickly
–– Kind of keen observation that got him job.

David Crosby says Ted Nugent 'just isn't good enough' to be in Rock Hall of Fame
–– Isn't good enough to be in Rockers Who Support Trump Hall of Fame.

Anti-Government Extremist Arrested After Trying To Blow Up Fake Bomb
–– Comedy of terrors.

Swiss Hotel Says Jews Don’t Bathe Properly, As Anti-Semitism Rises In U.K.
–– Talk about ethnic cleansing.

Trump campaign emails show aide's repeated efforts to set up Russia meetings
–– But didn't because they never knew where 'da' was.

LeBron James: Donald Trump Has Made Hate 'Fashionable Again'
–– As fashionable as bottle blond DA combovers.

Paris Hilton: Women Accused Trump Of Sexual Assault For ‘Attention And Fame’
–– 'They weren't pretty enough to make a sex tape.'

Elaine Chao on Trump's criticism of McConnell: 'I stand by my man -- both of them'
–– Schizos Trump’s #1 demo.

Donald Trump retweeted an alt-right conspiracy theorist. Here's why.

The Obama administration was first warned of Russia's threat to democracy in 2014
–– Or was it 1914?

Ivanka Trump is like a 'Half Wit' Saudi Prince, Indian Diplomat Says
–– Overstated by half.

As neo-Nazis grow bolder, the 'antifa' has emerged to fight them
–– Antifa and wide.

Jeff Sessions Condemned Charlottesville White Supremacists Before Trump Did
–– Because he's only half-racist.

Sessions Emerges as Forceful Figure in Condemning Charlottesville Violence
–– Like pint-sized Blanche Dubois.

Here’s What Jennifer Aniston Has To Say About Rachel’s Nipples
–– Pointed out.

Mattis suggests transgender military members may continue to serve
–– Him.

What Donald Trump didn't say when he talked about white supremacists
–– ‘Thank you.’

Hillary Clinton's pastor plagiarized portion of new book
–– Chapter begins: 'Our Father, who art in Heaven…'

Tiger Woods had pain, anxiety, sleep drugs in system during arrest
–– And they’re still not out of Woods.

Costco owes Tiffany more than $19 million for selling counterfeit rings
–– In frozen food case next to french fries.

London’s Big Ben to fall silent for four years
–– Humiliated by Brexit.

Submarine Owner Is Charged in Journalist’s Disappearance
–– After in-depth interview.

Fruitcake From Robert Scott Expedition Is ‘Almost’ Edible at 106 Years Old
–– Particularly around his nuts.

The Queen is reportedly planning to hand over power to Prince Charles when she turns 95
–– Or as soon as he finally stops giving fuck about being king.

Graham: Trump must do more to distance himself from white supremacists
–– Move Miller, Gorka to other side of room.

Watch Trump's New Campaign Ad That Boasts About Successes and Blasts Democrats and Media
–– On Syfy.

Scaramucci Claims There Is A Plot Inside the White House To Oust Trump
–– Coordinated by president.

Rupert Murdoch and President Trump met after Scaramucci exit
–– They've had so little to laugh about lately.

You can stay in Trump's childhood home
–– And sleep in darkened closet like Fred forced Donny to.

Giant pipes wash ashore on UK beach
–– From stoner whales' blowholes.

Trump advisers signal the knives are out for Bannon
–– WIll need quite a blade to carve that turkey.

Trump lashes out at black CEO who quits council
–– With antique slave-driver's whip.

GoDaddy boots neo-Nazi site after a derogatory story on the Charlottesville victim
–– Make that jack boots.

Venezuelan President's son threatens to seize White House with rifles
–– His understanding of global politics as profound as father's.

North Korea crisis: What does Kim Jong-un really want?
–– His own Kardashian.

Charlottesville mayor on Trump: 'Look at the campaign he ran'
–– 'His dog whistle was the size of a trombone.'

General Motors employees get free self-driving car rides
–– Cheaper than buyouts to get rid of them.

Trump Blames "Many Sides" for Violent Clashes in Charlottesville
–– “Stick with the main course. Maybe dessert.”

Paramount Wins Bidding War for Leonardo da Vinci Biopic Starring Leonardo DiCaprio
–– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cast as Michelangelo, Raphael & Donatello.

Navarro: Damn it Trump, call a spade a spade
–– ‘You should hear me behind closed doors, chiquita.’

Another Saturday Night Massacre? Washington may be ready this time
–– With pocorn.

State of emergency declared amid violence at Charlottesville's 'Unite the Right' rally
–– They speak ass one.

People Are Mocking White Nationalists For Marching With Literal Tiki Torches
–– As they serve ideological poo poo platter.

Week of 08/11/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump on North Korea: Maybe 'fire and fury' comment 'wasn't tough enough'
–– “Should’ve been ‘like the Universe has never seen'."

Why white nationalists are drawn to Charlottesville
–– The schools?

Where is John Kelly as Trump warns of 'fire and fury?'
–– Fuming and furious.

European Leaders: 'Laughing Stock' Trump 'Obsessed with Obama'
–– Talk about a sick joke.

After Losing High-Profile Contributors, Will CNN Hire More Pro-Trump Voices?
–– Currently canvassing loony bins.

A cruise ship banned late-night revelry because of pirates
–– But pirates love to party, matey.

Judge Throws Out DJ’s Case Against Taylor Swift in Groping Trial
–– Felt it was a reach.

Judge Won't Let Ex-Fox News Star Keep Secret Her Feminism Book Was Ghostwritten By Man
–– He mansplains law.

Donald Trump Is Giving North Korea Exactly What It Wants
–– Would be 'exactly' if he threw in lap dance for Kim from Melania.

Republicans willing to suspend 2020 US election if Trump asks, poll shows
–– And suspend selves by neck.

‘Hamilton’ Is Known For Its Music, but What Did Alexander Hamilton Listen To?
–– Pistol shot.

You Can't Miss Demi Moore On The Red Carpet In A Bright Boho Dress
–– So run her down.

Why Did Donald Trump Ignore Ivanka? Al Gore says President is Controlled by Carbon Polluters
–– Was staring too hard to hear her words.

Man Who Tried to Cram 6 Dates Into One Night Says He's Just 'Looking for Love'
–– And Viagra.

Prince Charles Had a 'Perfectly Normal Sex Life' During His Bachelor Years, According to His Uncle
–– Before Camilla and the ‘horsey stuff.’

Why The Night King Might Not Be So Bad After All
–– Compared to Trump.

Trump’s unhinged presidency, perfectly captured in two sentences
–– 10 to 20 years, no parole. Life.

The other Wonder Woman, Etta Candy, to be spotlighted in 'Wonder Woman' home edition
–– She battles Tooth Decay.

Steven Soderbergh Quit Movies. Now He’s Back. What Gives?
–– Mortgage payments.

Trump Says Military Is ‘Locked and Loaded, Should North Korea Act Unwisely’
–– Worried Americans also loaded with doors locked.

JCPenney hits new low on big loss
–– Investors will soon be trading Penney stocks.

Venezuela’s Maduro: 'Mr. Donald Trump, here is my hand'
–– ‘But you don’t know where it has been.’

5 deaths reported while using weight loss balloon treatment, FDA says
–– Claims were inflated.

Can you really go blind staring at an eclipse? Tips for safe viewing
–– Yes, if you simultaneously abuse yourself.

Study finds 1 in 8 Americans struggles with alcohol abuse
–– 7 in 8 gave up struggling after the Election.

Hong Kong Activist Says Chinese Agents Stapled His Legs Over Messi Photo
–– Got messy, but kept them from falling off.

Haruo Nakajima, the First Actor to Play Godzilla, Dies at 88
–– Tokyo breathes sigh of relief.

Jeffrey Lord, Trump Defender on CNN, Is Fired for Using Nazi Slogan
–– While not saluting Trump.

Trump thanks Putin for removing US diplomats
–– Wonders why he didn't poison so US could stop paying salaries.

‘Son of Sam' Recounts the 'Battle Going on Inside My Head' on 40th Anniversary of His Arrest
–– Boy, were his dogs barking.

'Son of Sam' David Berkowitz Reveals Advice to Younger Self: 'Turn Around Before It's Too Late'
–– Same thing Trump should've told his.

Anthony Scaramucci Just Weirdly Compared Himself To Monica Lewinsky
–– Confirming what we suspected he was doing under Trump’s desk.

Donald Trump's First Communications Director Jason Miller Has Love Child with Mistress
–– More hate child with those two.

President Trump Escalates Criticism of Mitch McConnell as Majority Leader
–– That’s his jab description.

Gene Editing Spurs Hope for Transplanting Pig Organs Into Humans
–– List of potential recipients in DC too long to list.

Sen. Johnson walks back remarks on McCain's brain cancer
–– Gives them second thought.

Walmart apologizes for sign marketing guns as back-to-school items
–– Sorry for truth in advertising.

North Korea says Guam strike plan ready within days
–– Still pulling it out of Kim’s ass.

Mueller is Squeezing Manafort
–– You don’t want to see what’s coming out.

Report: Manafort’s Son-in-Law Gave Documents to Feds
–– Mostly money laundering bills.

Jimmy Kimmel Reveals Which Former Presidents Reached Out After Son Billy's Heart Surgery
–– Trump reached out to wife, but she eluded grasp.

Brie Larson Looked Like an Actual Fairy Princess at the 'Glass Castle' Premiere
–– Made RuPaul jealous.

Tanya Tucker Releases Tribute Song for Former Partner Glen Campbell
–– Boy, she holds a grudge.

Saudi Arabia beach resort might allow bikinis
–– Under burqas.

Fox News Host Eric Bolling Sues Journalist Over Lewd Text Report
–– So you know it’s true.

Trump’s Threat to North Korea Was Improvised
–– Whose lyin’ is it anyway?

Confederate time capsule in "Johnny Reb" statue held flag, money
–– Suppository.

Top Mormon church leader excommunicated
–– Elder excuse.

Gorka: Mosque bombing may be 'fake hate crime'
–– Says phony Deputy Assistant.

Cheetos to open restaurant with celebrity chef
–– Who'll cut the cheese.

Graham: US 'absolutely' prepared to act on North Korea
–– Kimical reaction.

How Hawaii is preparing for a nuclear attack
–– Strumming nukeleles.

Chuck Norris endorses Justice Roy Moore in Alabama Senate race
–– Chucks it up.

Mattis to North Korea: Stop actions that could lead to 'destruction of its people'
–– No laughing Mattis.

GOP Sen. Ron Johnson: McCain's brain tumor might have been factor in no vote on health care
–– Could have half his brain removed and not make a comment as stupid as that.

‘Natasha, Pierre & The Great Comet Of 1812' Will Close Amid Casting Controversy
–– Now whole diverse cast out of work.

Why Kathie Lee Gifford Will Never Tell Her Kids She's 'Proud' of Them: 'Pride Comes Before the Fall'
–– Kids: ‘We won’t tell her because we’re not.’

Trump’s Evangelical Advisors Are Hoping For A Private Meeting With Pope
–– Haven’t a prayer.

Jay Cutler Didn't Know Where He Was When He Woke Up in the Dolphins' Hotel This Morning
–– Preview of feeling after sacks to come.

Men Accused Of Beating Veteran And Smashing Turtle Will Avoid Jail
–– Avoids shell time.

Ted Stanley, Whose Fentanyl Lollipop Treated Chronic Pain, Dies at 77
–– Sucks on it.

Trump’s Warning to North Korea Has Nuclear Weapons Experts Chugging Wine
–– Laced with xanax followed by fentanyl chaser.

Beyond bluster, US, NKorea in regular contact
–– Sexting pix of missiles back and forth.

Entire Long Island Italian Restaurant Reportedly Erupts Into Cheers for Anthony Scaramucci
–– For nothin’.

Donald Trump Celebrates American Workers by Not Hiring Them to Work at Mar-a-Lago
–– It shows mercy.

Donald Trump 'given daily dossier of positive news about himself'
–– Post-its with ‘GREAT’ or ‘Terrific’ scrawled on them.

Constituents Clobber GOP Congressman At Town Hall: 'May You Die In Pain'
–– He assures them that's mandated in healthbill.

‘A never-ending nightmare:' Employees sue the Plaza hotel alleging rampant sexual harassment
–– Eloise keeps brabbing bell boys' asses.

Why refugee doctors become taxi drivers
–– Haven't figured out Uber pays better.

Europe is facing a major butter crisis
–– Ram tough.

What Trump's golf game tells us about him
–– Actually, white’s not his color.

Trump moves to slap duties on Chinese aluminum foil
–– Gives bad wrap.

Tillerson: Americans should 'sleep well at night' amid N. Korea crisis
–– ‘Here’s 200 mg of elephant tranquilizer. It’s all good.’

Stephen Miller blasted a reporter as ‘cosmopolitan.’ But he lives in a $1 million CityCenter condo.
–– And subscribes to Cosmo for blow job tips.

‘God has given Trump authority to take out Kim Jong Un,’ evangelical adviser says
–– But only to Arbee's.

Trump’s media obsession extends to TV chyrons about himself
–– The blurbering idiot.

US won't declare opioid emergency, Price says
–– ‘We'll need those votes in midterms.’

Judge Judy Sells Her Library Back to CBS in Massive Deal
–– Filled with 10,000 fake law book spines.

Scientists fear WH will bury federal climate change report
–– Put it on ice… which will melt.

Spike Lee to Hold Rally for Colin Kaepernick at NFL Headquarters in New York
–– Will bring pom poms.

Paleoart: Dramatic portrayals of prehistoric creatures
–– And what they eat for dinner.

Ty Hardin, Star of the TV Western 'Bronco,' Dies at 87
–– Bronco busted.

Noah Syndergaard’s ‘Game of Thrones’ Cameo Ends in Fiery Death
–– And Tommy John surgery after errant spear toss.

Government Report Finds Drastic Impact of Climate Change on U.S.
–– No climate change at EPA –– still arid, incapable of supporting intelligent life.

Trump Likes When C.I.A. Chief Gets Political, but Officers Are Wary
–– Especially when Pompeo spews ash.

Opinion: Asian-Americans risk being shortsighted on affirmative action
–– Opinion: could’ve used a better adjective.

Joe Manchin: 'Don't give a s--t' about attacks
–– They're beneath Manchin.

NBC Doesn’t ‘Have Any Plans’ to Bring Back ‘Celebrity Apprentice’
–– Not even to just piss off Trump?

Nikki Haley: Today's UN sanctions vote was a 'gut punch' to North Korea
–– And you couldn’t miss that belly.

Christie: Everybody knows now Trump Jr.'s meeting was a 'bad idea'
–– 'Everybody?' Even

British model kidnapped for dark web auction, Italian police say
–– To go to very lowest bidder.

Aaron Carter Comes Out as Bisexual in Heartfelt Note
–– Written on both sides.

Bill de Blasio Will Push for Tax on Wealthy to Fix Subway
–– Displays tunnel vision.

Iran Gains Ground in Afghanistan as U.S. Presence Wanes
–– How’s about another 16 years, half a tril to stop them?

Diplomats Question Tactics of Tillerson, the Executive Turned Secretary of State
–– Offers to check oil whenever they meet.

Stephen Miller could take on a WH communications role
–– If Sorting Hat indicates House Slytherin.

Cop points gun at man for nearly nine minutes
–– Trying to get in Gunness Book of World Records.

How to avoid buying 'bogus' solar eclipse glasses
–– Test them by staring at nuclear explosion.

Student fakes being black to get into college
–– Affirmative asshole.

Vladimir Putin boats, sunbathes and picks mushrooms in his Russian vacation photos
–– NSFW.

Week of 08/04/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

White House policy adviser downplays Statue of Liberty's famous poem
–– Tired of poor, huddles masses yearning to be free.

Lollapalooza halted because of weather
–– Even God’s a critic.

Dunkin' Donuts considers rebranding as just Dunkin'
–– Can now dip anything in coffee: keychain, fingers, scrotum.

While Trump's away, 'much-needed' White House renovations begin
–– Need demo crew just to get his stains out.

Jill Soloway, Laverne Cox Talk Transgender Trends on TV: ‘We Have to Do Better’
–– You really do.

Fox News’ Eric Bolling Accused of Sending Lewd Photos to Female Colleagues
–– His naked face.

‘Nobody kill anybody': Baltimore hopes for homicide-free weekend
–– Say ‘pretty please.’

Norman Lear to Boycott Kennedy Center Honors Reception Over Trump Presidency
–– Good times!

These Are the Dog Breeds That Are Notoriously Difficult to Train
–– Bullheadedmastiff, Whymaraner, Pugnacious, Doberman Punscher, Dead Setter, Boxer.

‘Mona Lisa of dinosaurs’ is so well-preserved we actually know its skin colour
–– But are still working on enigmatic smile.

Christians Are More Likely To Say It's Poor People's Own Fault That They're Poor
–– And blame Jesus for just encouraging them.

Poll: Flake’s approval rating in Arizona at 18 percent
–– Dandruff has better numbers.

Scaramucci Cancels Online Event To Focus 'On Family'
–– Gambinos.

Cleaning a Dirty Sponge Only Helps Its Worst Bacteria, Study Says
–– Listen, you can hear them crying, 'You missed a spot!'

Conway: May use lie detectors on staff
–– Readout will resemble seismograph of San Francisco Earthquake.

Vicente Fox drops another f-bomb over wall
–– If transparent, could’ve seen it coming.

‘Pharma Bro' Martin Shkreli smirks through hearing
–– Isn’t there drug for that?

In Iran, Rouhani Begins 2nd Term With Signs He’s Yielding to Hard-Liners
–– Easiest when he’s already bent over for prayers.

Hours after gas explosion at Minnehaha Academy, second body is found
–– No laughing matter, even small one.

Prince Philip Makes His Last Solo Appearance, After 65 Years in the Public Eye
–– To be replaced by luggage cart carrying bowler in basket.

Suge Knight Indicted for Threatening ‘Straight Outta Compton’ Director
–– ‘Wuz just helpin’ him do research.’

Woman sentenced to 15 months in texting suicide case
–– IMs judge: 'Go jump in a lake!'

Jason Momoa Gets a Huge Birthday Surprise From Wife Lisa Bonet on 'Aquaman' Set
–– Fin job.

‘This Is Ridiculous': Mark Steyn Goes Off on 'Buffoon' Jim Acosta
–– To ‘Baboon’ Tucker Carlson.

Pistol-packing Tennessee bride pulls handgun out of wedding dress, points it at husband’s head
–– Says, “Ah’m sorry I couldn’t git me a shotgun.”

Democrats begin to see Pelosi as a 2018 problem
–– After seeing her as 2010, 2012, 2014, 2016 problem

A US president born in 1790 has two living grandsons
–– Named Tippecanoe and Tyler II.

Sadie Robertson reveals unhealthy relationship with ex: 'We welcomed sin in'
–– ‘We’ being her and her left and right cheeks.

Boy Scouts Deny Telling Trump His Was 'The Greatest Speech That Was Ever Made To Them'
–– Award him merit badge for tying self in knots.

Joe Walsh on Partying With John Belushi: 'It Was Terrifying'
–– 'Not a peaceful, easy feeling, he'd take it to the limit like a desperado. Was life in the fast lane!'

Russia Warns Trump U.S. 'Establishment' Aims to 'Remove Him From Power'
–– Actually, more of a DIY project.

Senior National Security Council official reportedly ousted after writing bizarre memo about 'deep state' attack on Trump
–– Dictated by Trump.

Is Anthony Scaramucci Dating Katrina Pierson?: Spotted Out Together After He’s Fired By Trump
–– His type: turned on by Trump.

Acid attacks now so widespread public need training in helping victims, warn doctors 
–– Touch base.

Plane passenger spots man texting about sex abuse of kids
–– Asking, 'Do you like gladiator movies?'

Libraries giving out 2 million free eclipse glasses
–– Eclipse-on sunglasses?

Royal chef sets record straight on what Queen Elizabeth eats and drinks
–– Ladyfingers, RC Cola.

Kristen Stewart would still date men
–– Entire sex: 'We're good.'

El Chapo, Accused Drug Lord, Questions Legality of His Extradition From Mexico
–– Addict-ca, Addict-ca, Addict-ca!

West Virginia governor announces plan to switch parties
–– There’s a Democrat who knows sinking Republican boat when he sees one.

Woman Says She Had Sex with Pete Rose Before She Turned 16
–– Feeling thorny.

All 165 Pink Floyd Songs, Ranked From Worst to Best
–– Dare ya to get past 10.

Australia’s Prime Minister Slowly Realizes Trump Is a Complete Idiot
–– Slowly, in minute three of first phone call ever.

Why Doesn’t Cersei’s Hair Ever Grow?
–– The Mountain has mad scissor skills.

The reason women are working more side hustles
–– Johns cheaper than ever.

Funds to counter Russia, extremists gather dust at State Department
–– Being saved for nice birthday gift for Putin.

Trump argues he won New Hampshire because it is a 'drug-infested den'
–– That scans.

NAACP issues its first statewide travel advisory, for Missouri
–– And Missouri loves company.

Kidd Creole of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five Is Charged With Murder
–– The Flashed and the Furious.

Fmr. Trump exec: Trump's style wears on people
–– Ex-workers look like pencils that got stuck in electric sharpeners.

School Named After Vince Lombardi Cancels Football Season Due to Lack of Coaches
–– File under Ironic, cap I…

Dubai's Torch tower catches fire -- again
–– …right after this.

Trump Reportedly Calls White House ‘A Real Dump’
–– Which is what he’s taken there.

Only 6 people have ever voted against an FBI director. Five of them did today
–– Wray of hope.

Hot car deaths reach record numbers in July
–– Upside: Less competition for Parent of the Year.

How you could be using your credit cards all wrong
–– Jimmying lock on door.

Zannone: Italy's forbidden 'orgy island'
–– Orgy wiz!

Here’s how you do London in 1 day
–– 100mg of meth.

Scaramucci says he will pay taxes on sale of investment company
–– Adding insult to insult to injury.

Kushner on potential Russia ties: 'We couldn't even collude with our local offices'
–– Right hand couldn't collude with left hand to find own ass.

The Mediterranean diet doesn't benefit everyone, study says
–– Rathskellars, McDonald’s, seal hunters.

Fox Accused in Lawsuit of Publishing Fake News at Trump's Behest
–– Or ‘doing business since RNC’.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Don’t Tell Colin Kaepernick to "Stick to Sports"
–– Because no team will hire him.

Spokeswoman: Trump 'joking' when he told police to be 'rough' on suspects
–– Brutal sense of humor.

Graham: Military options are 'inevitable if North Korea continues'
–– Apple stocks soar at prospect of Samsung catching fire.

Martellus Bennett on Jamal Adams' CTE Comments: 'I Ain't Dying for This S--t'
–– Obviously brain working perfectly.

The 5 key questions on Trump's role in his son's statement on the Russia meeting
–– 5. How? 4. Do? 3. You? 2. Spell? 1. Collusion?

Trump Says No ‘Chaos!’ at White House but Continues Threats
–– Or ‘Know Chaos!’

Former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio found guilty of contempt
–– First McCain, Flake’s anti-Trump book, now this: can Arizona rise like Phoenix?

Sam Shepard, Pulitzer-winning playwright and actor, dead at 73
–– True waste.

Kelly called Comey to express anger over firing, sources say
–– Mad he got to keep decoder ring.

Anthony Scaramucci out as White House communications director
–– Just had time to replace Kardashians as national joke.

Kate Hudson Jumps on Scaramucci 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days' Meme
–– Meme has better Rotten Tomatoes score than film.

HBO Responds to Anti-Slavery Show #NoConfederate Campaign
–– 'We're not shackled to the concept.'

Jeanne Moreau, Femme Fatale of French New Wave, Is Dead at 89
–– Moreau less.

French Airport Worker Punched Passenger With Baby After 13-Hour Delay
–– Why’d he wait so long?

‘Time for talk is over': US grapples for new approach on North Korea
–– ‘If we stop saying its name it might disappear.’

Scientists may have found a Neptune-sized alien moon
–– Next to one that looks like Uranus.

Hero Dog Runs To Get Help For Girls, 8 and 16, Struck by Lightning
–– Returns like a bolt.

Donald Trump 'very disappointed in China' making billions from trade while doing 'NOTHING for us on North Korea'
–– Would offer discount in rebuilding LA after nuke attack.

Former Iranian president Ahmadinejad facing sentencing over misuse of funds
–– We know it wasn't on suits or cosmetic surgery.

Anthony Scaramucci congratulated his estranged wife on the birth of their child by text message 
–– ‘Not for nothin’, but I included a coupla' heart emojis.’

Aide to Trump Says Military Exists to ‘Kill People and Blow Stuff Up,’ Not to Include Transgender Soldiers
–– And his aides exist to ‘kill sense and blow Trump up.’

Rick Perry: I 'totally support' Trump transgender military ban
–– 'If transgender means ya transferred the agenda illegal like.'

PBS Chief Details Stakes of Trump Budget Fight: "There Isn't a Plan B"
–– Distancing broadcaster from birth control controversy.

How Donald Trump Made ‘An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power’ Ten Times More Relevant
–– Is now ‘redundant.’

Trump 'weighed in' on son's statement about Russia meeting, White House says
–– Plumped fat ass down in middle of it.

Putin, Responding to Sanctions, Orders U.S. to Cut Diplomatic Staff by 755
–– In necks.

Vladimir Putin Is Reportedly Richer Than Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos Combined
–– And would sooner kill the next richest guy.

A full breakdown of the dramatic 19 seconds when McCain killed the GOP's healthcare bill
–– Second 16: McConnell's sphincter locks.

Trump Was Reportedly Upset Reince Priebus Didn’t Fight Back Against Anthony Scaramucci
–– Declined Thunderdome match with chainsaw.

Charlie Sheen Thinks The Moon Is Hollow, According To Rob Lowe
–– Where's he get moon dust to snort?

Steve Jobs' Widow to Take Majority Stake in The Atlantic
–– Wow, she can afford part of ocean?

Lois Laurel Hawes, Daughter of Stan Laurel, Dies at 89
–– Wasn't hardy.

Weekend Box Office: 'Emoji Movie' in Close Battle With 'Dunkirk' for No. 1
–– Watching bombs drop.

Can Anthony Scaramucci Get The White House's Message Operation Back On Track?
–– Perhaps across track in front of oncoming train.

Scaramucci’s fed-up wife filed for divorce while nine months pregnant
–– Couldn't come to term.

‘Ugly’ people earn more, but at what cost?
–– You mean all the cracked camera lenses, mirrors?

How Trump's trade policy could hit your bar tab
–– When you need cheap booze more than ever.

Stephen Colbert's Cartoon Trump Gets His Own Show
–– Already has: Presidency.

‘Emoji Movie' barely escapes 0% on Rotten Tomatoes
–– Some eggplant liked it?

Reince Priebus Defends POTUS' Replacement, Assures Wolf Blitzer: "I'm on Team Trump"
–– Is mercifully shot from waist up

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