Headbangers 12/17
Headbangers 11/17
Headbangers 10/17
Headbangers 09/17
Headbangers 08/17
Headbangers 07/17
Headbangers 06/17
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Headbangers 04/17
Headbangers 03/17
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Headbangers 01/17
Headbangers 2016
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 06/30/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Mocks Mika Brzezinski; Says She Was ‘Bleeding Badly From a Face-Lift’
–– At least it wasn’t from ‘wherever.’

Prostitutes speak out against Senate health bill
–– Sens. Paul, Cruz, Johnson, Lee.

One photo throws cold water on Trump's claim that Mika Brzezinski was 'bleeding' at Mar-a-Lago from a face-lift
–– With red food coloring.

SE Cupp: Healthy, happy people do not behave like Trump
–– Cupp of stupe.

Olivia de Havilland Sues FX, Ryan Murphy Over ‘Feud’ Portrayal
–– Claims it will hurt centenarian's chances for good girl roles.

Time capsule found as Confederate monument taken down in St. Louis
–– Note: 'So sad we shall not live to see a white supremacist sit in the White House.'

Donald Trump Will Still Sell Oil to Mexico ‘Under the Wall’
–– Or will add ‘oil hole’ next to ‘glory hole’ directly in wall.

Xi Jinping warns of 'red line' as Hong Kong marks 20 years of Chinese rule
–– Misses old days when it would've been in blood.

Cuts threaten rural hospitals 'hanging on by their fingernails'
–– And Senate billl doesn't cover hang nails.

Ann Coulter Blasts Sean Hannity, Accusing Him Of Censoring Her Latest Appearance On His Show
–– Like choosing between E. coli and ebola.

Trump muses about suing ‘horrible human beings’ at CNN in leaked audio
–– In vain effort to get 'Don Jr.' to stand at attention.

Vinyl comeback: Sony to produce records again after 28-year break
–– Platter push.

Scarborough, Brzezinski say White House used National Enquirer as threat
–– Threatened to roll up, whack Mika if she didn't heel.

Harvard law professor: If the White House threatened 'Morning Joe' hosts with a National Enquirer story, it's a crime
–– The writing oughta be illegal.

Nearly 2 tons of weed disguised as lettuce seized at Texas border
–– Head of lettuce, man.

Will 'Baby Driver' Go Down as Another Edgar Wright Classic?
–– Or just go down.

MSNBC Will Replace Greta Van Susteren with Ari Melber
–– She’s Melber toast.

MLB Umpire John Tumpane Saves Woman Attempting Suicide on Pittsburgh Bridge
–– Called safe at home.

Snake bites are on the rise in US
–– Fangs for the memories.

A drug store deal gone bad: Walgreens merger with Rite Aid falls apart
–– Forgot they'd already merged.

Rep. Pete King on health care bill: 'It's wrong to pass something for the sake of passing it'
–– ‘Unless it’s kidney stone.’

Are the Obamacare repeal tax cuts just giveaways to the rich?
–– Yes, but only so they can pay for free coverage for poor.

Dem congressman: 'Just plain wrong' for Trump to hold fundraiser at own hotel
–– And tip self.

‘Good Samaritan' bullied, beaten and called a kidnapper after helping lost child
–– In King, Stephen version of Bible.

California says key ingredient in Roundup weed killer can cause cancer
–– Monsanto: ‘Yeah, duh, in weeds!’

Former Trump Campaign Manager Paul Manafort Registers As A Foreign Agent
–– And as alien, like from other planet.

Australian Cardinal, a Top Adviser to Pope, Is Charged With Sexual Assault
–– Preying down under.

Vatican Sex Abuse Scandal Reveals Blind Spot for Francis
–– Priests pull alb over his eyes.

Deputies: Woman gives birth to child fathered by 11-year-old
–– Not in Alabama!

Joy Behar Remembers Trump's Criminal-Filled Wedding to Marla Maples
–– We remember his criminal-filled cabinet.

Rick Perry Joins List Of Officials Who Won't Say If Trump Believes In Climate Change
–– Or anything.

Trump administration moves to withdraw clean-water rule
–– So he can legally take dip in ocean.

Ivanka Trump spotlights global human trafficking
–– As new business opportunity.

Guy Fieri Gets Defensive At Accusation That He Promotes Unhealthy Food
–– So upset he spills triple chocolate shake, chili-cheese foot-long in lap.

Melania Trump Greets Indian Prime Minister Wearing Bright Yellow Pucci
–– Which is Italian…dog?

Pool and Unusual: Woman Claims She Was Kicked Out of Swimming Area Over One-Piece Bathing Suit
–– Bluenoses go off deep end.

‘I Don’t Know Where the Motherf—er Is’: Mariah Carey on International Scandal with Ex James Packer
–– No back Packer.

Cubs outfielder swears he didn't flip off President Trump
–– Was signalling ‘You are No. 1.”

Rand Paul released a list of demands for the Senate healthcare bill, and it shows why it might be impossible to pass
–– Is holding draft tied-up, blind-folded in undisclosed location.

Michelle Rodriguez threatens to leave 'Fast & Furious' franchise
–– To be replaced by crash test dummy with nice ‘air bags.’

Bourdain visits world's most bombed country
–– Not, surprisingly, Ireland.

Time Asks Donald Trump’s Golf Clubs to Remove Phony Magazine Cover
–– Can keep phony PGA Championship cups.

ABC settles suit over what it had called 'pink slime'
–– Other's call Attorney General Sessions.

Ten Commandments monument destroyed less than a day after its unveiling
–– Holy Moses!

Fox News Signs Congressman Jason Chaffetz as Contributor
–– For Congressional news straight from horse’s arse.

Oliver Stone’s ‘The Putin Interviews’ Picked Up Internationally, Including in Russia
–– As Putin reelection ad.

Macron Invites Trump to Paris for Bastille Day
–– Considers reopening prison to accommodate guest.

Trump turns on Amazon chief Jeff Bezos calling his Washington Post 'fake news' – and claiming his company is dodging retail sales taxes
–– Alexa: 'Mr. President, fuck off.'

‘We have all of this beautiful Irish press. Where are you from? Come here': Bizarre moment Trump interrupts call to new leader of Ireland to comment on reporter's 'nice smile'
–– “I know your kind doesn't appreciate beautiful girls, Leo, but the guys are pretty good-looking, too.”

TJ Miller Fires Back at Critics Blasting His ‘Silicon Valley’ Exit
–– Bachman turner-over drive.

Nicole Kidman Still Feels Like A Girlfriend To Keith Urban After 11 Years
–– Has to convince self she’s not actually married to loser.

Rob Lowe: I Saw Bigfoot, And I Thought It Would Kill Me
–– The brain tumor that caused hallucination?

Ron Darling rips Mets trainers after yet another player goes down with an injury
–– Trainers: 'Aw, go blow out your UCL.'

Director Of Media Company Donated To Journalist-Slamming GOP Candidate
–– Pin money.

An ICE agent visited a restaurant. About 30 employees quit the next day, its owner says.
–– Had demanded ice in water.

Sean Hannity Says He And Newt Gingrich Have Been 'Sole Voice’ Of ‘Sanity In The Media’
–– As in voice of fish.

Rick Perry Joins List Of Officials Who Won't Say If Trump Believes In Climate Change
–– List entitled ‘Know-nothings.’

Neil Gorsuch Is The Anti-LGBTQ Nightmare His Gay Friends Hoped He Wasn't
–– And not just because of clashy robes.

The White House blasted the budget office that predicted devastating effects for the Senate health bill
–– The truth hurts, especially when you won’t pay for anesthesia.

Female teacher arrested for allegedly having sex with student in car
–– For combining elective courses.

Reporter snaps at Sarah Huckabee Sanders after she goes on lengthy rant bashing the press
–– I hurt Huckabee's.

Hollywood’s Most Powerful People Reveal What They Can't Get Through the Workday Without
–– To their dealers.

Why 'Wonder Woman' Is Catching on More Slowly Overseas
–– Taste?

Woman delays flight with 'lucky' coin-throw into engine
––– Tails, they lose.

DNA solves ancient animal riddle that Darwin couldn't
–– Neanderthal man not the father!

Johnny Galecki loses ranch in sprawling California fire
–– Witnesses reported big bang.

Philippines bill proposes jail time for unenthusiastic anthem singers
–– And severe fines if you spell president’s name Dooturdy.

Trump has never been big on details
–– Did know vital statistics of every Miss Universe finalist.

Phil Jackson's Future with Knicks Reportedly Being Weighed by James Dolan
–– On scale of Failure to Utter Disaster.

Helicopter attack targets Venezuela's Supreme Court
–– Safe Caracas.

Michael Bond, Paddington Bear creator, dies at 91
–– Got stuffed.

Sarah Palin sues New York Times
–– Claims big words made head hurt.

Prada is selling a paper clip for $185, and people aren't taking it well
–– Also useful as roach clip, clothespin.

Bee, wasp venom shortage could be dangerous for those with allergies
–– Or life-saving.

US Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross abruptly cancels trip to Germany
–– When he learns bloodsucking's illegal.

Trump could start a trade war this week
–– Depends how bored he is.

Queen Elizabeth II is getting a 78% raise from the government
–– In Spotted Dick.

Trump bashes Obama, who won't swing back
–– Classic rope-a-dope.

Europe, Ukraine targeted in massive hack attack
–– But what government would ever target Ukraine?

22 million fewer Americans insured under Senate GOP bill
–– 1 mil fewer than House –– woohoo!

Senate health care bill gives $250,000 gift to the mega-rich
–– That's sick.

McConnell: If We Defeat Our Own Replacement Bill, We'll Have to Negotiate With Schumer to 'Fix' Obamacare
–– Fate worse than debt.

‘Most hated man in America' goes on trial
–– Wow, Mueller works fast.

Dali’s bones to be exhumed in Spain for paternity test
–– Even soft, melting ones.

Under Armour CEO Kevin Plank: ‘Unfortunate’ My Pro-Trump Comments Were Seen as Divisive
–– Stiff as a Plank.

Pro-Isis hackers break into US government websites leaving chilling messages for Donald Trump
–– 'Relax', 'Hang loose', 'Cool your jets.'

Disney World will soon reopen its Hall of Presidents — with a talking Robo-Trump
–– Singing 'It's a Small World.'

Carbon in Atmosphere Is Rising, Even as Emissions Stabilize
–– Sleet to come down in briquets.

How Putin Seduced Oliver Stone — and Trump
–– Lordy, I hope there aren’t tapes.

Chance the Rapper gives moving award speech
–– To United Van Lines.

Trump meets Modi: Trade, visas and climate could make for tough talking
–– As could ignorance, bigotry, belligerence.

Older dads have geeky sons, study says
–– Tucker Carlson’s was Methuselah who bit heads off chickens.

Pilot urges prayers as 'technical issue' forces turnaround
–– Radioed St. Peter for landing clearance.

Ivanka Trump grades father's performance so far: 'A, of course'
–– ‘Hole, undoubtedly.’

Takata, brought down by airbag crisis, files for bankruptcy
–– Utterly deflated.

Nina Dobrev Flaunts Her Jaw-Dropping Figure While Working to Save Sharks in Hawaii
–– Keeps predators from chomping down on her.

Inside the Sprawling Compound That Polygamist Leader Warren Jeffs and His 79 Wives Called Home
–– With his and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers and hers bathrooms.

So far, Trump has spent way more on White House furnishings than Obama
–– From ’who’d-a-thunk-it’ file.

Will Trump Pull Out of Middle East Peace Talks After Reports of Abbas Kushner Rift?
–– Mahmoud Abyss.

Judge Jeanine: I Fear Dem Rage Will Result in Assassination Attempt by 'Some Crazy Lefty'
–– Let me judge Jeanine: she’s an idiot.

Senate Health Plan Falls Short of Promise for Cheaper Care, Experts Say
–– Falls short of promise for care.

Burned, Torn Quran, Bacon Found Outside Mosques In Davis, Sacramento
–– Pigs leaving it singed fingers.

Trump and Pence attend Treasury Secretary Mnuchin's wedding
–– Who was Least Worst Man?

Young protester shot at point blank range
–– In Trump dream.

‘Drooling, snoring, gassy' Martha the mastiff wins World's Ugliest Dog
–– Renamed Bannon Award.

Judge: Ivanka Trump must answer questions in shoe design lawsuit
–– Against heel.

Nebraska Democrat fired for saying he was 'glad' Rep. Scalise was shot
–– In loaded comment.

Why Broadway's '1984' Audiences Are Fainting, Vomiting and Getting Arrested
–– Think they’re at Trump rally.

Bernie Sanders: Thousands Of Americans Will Die Because Of 'Barbaric' Trumpcare Plan
–– Yeah, but only like 20,000 a year.

Ancient Egypt: 3,000-Year-Old Wooden Toe Discovered Near Luxor is World’s Oldest Prosthetic
–– Archaelogists surmise original toe stubbed on Great Pyramid of Giza.

Stephen Colbert Appears on Russian TV, Says He's Considering 2020 Run for President
–– Afraid he may not be sufficiently unqualified.

Week of 06/23/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

What Is Mitch McConnell Thinking on Health Care?
–– Fuck the sick?

Conway: Medicaid cut isn't an actual cut
–– And deaths will be virtual.

Senate finally unveils secret health care bill
–– Surgically removed from McConnell’s anus.

Trump claims he tweeted about secret tapes to keep Comey 'honest'
–– ‘Whatever that means.’

Conservative summer reading list at Alabama high school stirs attention
–– The Taking Tree, Harold and the Red Crayon, Make Way for Trumplings, Hillary and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Pelosi-the-Poo, The Runaway Budget, The Little Engine That Could If Privatized, If you Give A Mouse a Cookie He’ll Become a Ward of the State, The Poky Little Libtard.

Saudis foil attack on Grand Mosque in Mecca
–– Had Hajj start.

Air Force 'doomsday' planes damaged in tornado
–– Renamed ‘gentlyusedday.’

Five NFL Teams Already in Contention for 2018 No. 1 Overall Draft Pic
–– NY Gits, Cleveland Brownouts, LA Scams, San Francisco Farty-niners, Buffaloed Bills.

Donald Trump Officially Names Jets Owner Woody Johnson Ambassador to Britain
–– Where they don’t know what football is either.

Gabe Pressman, a Dean of New York TV Journalism, Dies at 93
–– Stop the press, man.

Convicted sex offender moves next door to his victim. And it's perfectly legal
–– In Oklahoma it’s inevitable.

Trump-Russia: U.S. Intelligence Chiefs Say President Told Them to Deny Campaign Collusion
–– Sorta instruction of justice.

‘Risky Business' Actor Claims Tom Cruise Juggled 'Bible Study And Blow Jobs'
–– Kept telling groupies, ’Take, eat. This is my body.’

FBI Insists A Politically Motivated Attack On Members Of Congress Isn't Terrorism
–– Admits it’s ‘terrory’.

Trump Doesn't Want a 'Poor Person' in Cabinet Roles, Praises Goldman Sachs
–– Although his policies will create millions of new candidates.

US Energy Secretary Rick Perry told he lacks 'fundamental understanding' of climate science
–– He lacks fundamental understanding of ‘fundamental understanding.’

Qatar told to close Al Jazeera, reduce Iran ties in list of demands, report says
–– Arab neighbors apply presser.

Bill Cosby to hold town halls to educate on sexual assault laws, publicist says
–– BED Talks.

Has Trump created 33,000 mining jobs?
–– Default response for any claim is NO.

President Trump’s Lies, the Definitive List
–– Updated hourly.

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop gets called out by NASA over healing stickers
–– Astro-naughts.

Nancy Pelosi Tells Democratic Critics, ‘I Think I’m Worth the Trouble’
–– Talk about high-maintenance.

#StandWithNancy Twitter trend takes a turn
–– #StrandWith Nancy.

DNA discovery reveals genetic history of ancient Egyptians
–– Ankhs for the memories.

Senator breastfeeds as she talks to Parliament
–– Milks her appearance.

Johnny Depp: 'When was the last time an actor assassinated a President?'
–– Was he high on Booth?

Donald Trump just led everyone on a 40-day wild goose chase
–– The press has been in pursuit forty years.

Boeing factory where Trump delivered jobs speech to lay off 200 workers
–– Winging it as usual.

Donald Trump Admits He Didn’t Tape Conversations With James Comey
–– Thought REC button would ruin any recording.

John Oliver, HBO Sued For Defamation By Coal Baron Robert E. Murray
–– He’ll take his lumps.

Confederate monument in Tampa will stay put
–– Authorities feared Tampa tantrum.

Rep. Quigley: Kushner's clearance 'absolutely' should be suspended
–– Along with learner’s permit.

Prince Harry: No royal wants to be king or queen
–– Throne for a loss.

Congressional Black Caucus turns down follow-up meeting with Trump
–– Guess who’s not coming to dinner.

A Yale Dean Lost Her Job After Calling People ‘White Trash’ in Yelp Reviews
–– Expect ‘White Trash’ enrollment to skyrocket.

Democrats Seethe After Georgia Loss: ‘Our Brand Is Worse Than Trump’
–– Ever think it might be the audience?

Russia cancels talks with US over tightening of sanctions
–– Still skyping with Trump like regular.

Why Richard Dreyfuss Keeps His Oscar in His Fridge
–– Every so often he bends over and likes a 'cold one.'

Driver killed in Tesla crash was warned seven times to put hands on wheel
–– Nice footnote for headstone.

Sheriff David Clarke no longer under consideration for DHS job
–– Administration already over quota for assholes.

The secrets behind Kim Jong Un's personal piggy bank
–– Has second, lubed slot in rear.

The day the sun disappears is coming
–– Eclipse bored.

Eighth ‘Saw’ Movie Gets a New Name
–– ‘Seen’.

Tesla’s Autopilot chief out just six months after leaving Apple
–– Discovered what big red EJECT button was for.

Saudi Arabia's king replaces nephew with son as heir to throne
–– Wanted product of incest next in line.

How to measure a mountain: Everest height called into question
–– Didn’t know it had lifts.

Ex-NFL lineman used football to hide that he's gay
–– Drew on red lips, put flowing wig on ball.

Interior Secretary Advocates For Cutting Up To 4,000 Jobs At Agency
–– Clear-cut like unprotected national park.

Is it OK to fat-shame Donald Trump?
–– From neck up.

US spy satellites detect activity at North Korean nuclear test site
–– Soldiers putting up decorations celebrating launch.

Despite Concerns About Blackmail, Flynn Heard C.I.A. Secrets
–– Got first crack at sales.

Uber Founder Travis Kalanick Resigns as C.E.O.
–– Driven out.

Trump: American student's death a 'total disgrace'
–– “My specialty.”

Shocker! Daniel Day-Lewis Quits Acting
–– Like a method prig.

Walmart is buying Bonobos for $310 million
–– One male, one female.

Anti-racist author Tim Wise: White America desperately wants to be numb, and Donald Trump “is a walking, talking opioid”
–– Dope, as the young people say.

Donald Trump boasts about construction of Panama Canal before being reminded it was built 100 years ago
–– “How about Panama hats — when did we discover them and begin shipping them south?”

Barron Trump's Fashion Turns Heads as First Family Visits Camp David
–– Those heads should be on sex offender list.

Donald Trump's Approval Rating Plummets to New Low as Republicans Grow Wary Amid Russia Investigation
–– They haven't even grown awarey.

The tour company that took Otto Warmbier to North Korea halts trips for Americans
–– No more sleepaway camp.

This 10-Year-Old Is Creating A Device To Prevent Infants From Dying In Hot Cars
–– Called ‘a door.’

Steve Bannon says Sean Spicer does fewer daily briefings because he 'got fatter'
–– And will soon be ready to eat.

Carla Bruni says Donald Trump made up claims they had an affair
–– Tried to score Bruni points.

MSNBC’s Joy Reid Under Fire for ‘Appalling’ Steve Scalise Comments
–– Why is modifier for Scalise in quotes?

Tim Cook's barf face at Trump's big tech meeting says it all
–– Like Trump was playing tunes on Zune.

CNN White House Reporter Questions Covering ‘Bizarre’ And ‘Pointless’ Briefings
–– Which do, he must admit, accurately reflect Administration.

Elizabeth Warren wants the Wells Fargo board wiped out
–– Wants to liquidate their assets, cancel their line of credit, close their accounts…permanently.

Pence gets a puppy
–– Afraid to have pussy around Trump.

Sean Spicer might be leaving White House podium
–– To act as Meilssa McCarthy SNL body double.

What you need to know about 666 Fifth Avenue
–– Yes, it’s Satan’s address, but he just has pied-à-terre.

Megyn Kelly and NBC News take the gloves off in Alex Jones interview — and now he's mad
–– Was already crazy.

Megyn Kelly Grills Alex Jones: ‘You Don’t Sound Very Sorry’
–– Though he is very sorry.

Trump and the Goldwater Rule: When is it OK to voice a professional opinion about the mental health of the president?
–– When even amateur can see he’s batshit.

The Story Behind One of the Most Moving Moments From Princess Diana's Funeral
–– Transporting casket to gravesite.

Matt Hughes Awake and Squeezing Hands
–– Mere weeks away from suffocating chokeholds.

Trump Organization ended Qatar push 6 days after swearing in
–– Emir slaps forehead, exclaims, 'Doha!’

Trump demands face time with favored Cabinet heads
–– They get face time with ass.

John Oliver Told to 'Cease and Desist' by Trump-Loving Coal Tycoon
–– Demands mineless behavior.

First lady's parents join President Trump on his first-ever Camp David visit
–– She needed chaperones.

Buying Whole Foods could be Amazon's Waterloo
–– Will sell $5 16-oz. Water de Loo.

Spanish matador dies after being gored in bullfight
–– Toro got him on horn.

Jeff Bezos is $5 billion away from being the world's richest person
–– All America pulling for little guy.

Colin Kaepernick Compares Police to Slave Patrol After Philando Castile Verdict
–– Because he really, really wants to quarterback again in NFL.

Robert Reich: The lickspittles who serve Trump, not America
–– Pence: “Thank you, Mr. President, for the immeasurable honor of lapping up your expectorate. It truly tastes like manna from Heaven. I am blessed. I grant you my tongue to do with as you see fit.”

Rubio: Trump firing Mueller 'not going to happen’
–– Little off Marco?

Commission on Civil Rights to probe Trump administration enforcement
–– If they find any.

Sleep Apnea Among Causes of Carrie Fisher's Death, Coroner Reveals
–– Leia down, won’t get up.

Carrie Fisher Had Cocaine, Heroin, Ecstasy in Her System, Autopsy Shows
–– The horse was strong in this one.

Exclusive Source: Beyonce Gave Birth to Twins with Jay Z Earlier This Week at UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles
–– His role unclear, but he did get pretty messy.

‘Animal House’ Actor Stephen Furst Dies at Age 63
–– Furst and last.

5 Hydration Myths Busted
–– 4. It’s gonna help that skin. Riiight.

Judge in Bill Cosby Case Declares a Mistrial
–– It’s been Ms. trial.

For Trump, a selective focus on human rights
–– Based on size of human’s bank account.

Lead found in 20% of baby food samples, especially juices and veggies
–– Should fill up with unleaded.

NFL fights bathroom law with Super Bowl threats
–– Warns they’ll unleash 350 lb. nose tackle on stalls.

Pot activists have been holding their breath for months on Jeff Sessions
–– But did not inhale.

Roger Stone to Trump: Fire Mueller and Rosenstein
–– Words of wiz dumb.

Newt Gingrich Blasts ‘Prostitute’ Joe Scarborough Over ‘Grotesque’ Mueller Conspiracy
–– Joe blows.

Despite Clinton impeachment vote, Gingrich says President 'cannot obstruct justice'
–– Why's anyone still quoting this old whore?

Week of 06/16/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Robert Mueller expands special counsel office, hires 13 lawyers
–– Trump: '13? See, it is WITCH HUNT!'

Trump calls House health care bill 'mean'
–– Just read first line of it.

Trump Attacks Rosenstein in Latest Rebuke of Justice Department
–– 'Look, I'm pretty OK with his people, but this one's not even married to my daughter.'

Chrissy Teigen Just Said The Most Relatable Thing About Anxiety
–– ‘It makes my pillowy breasts glisten with perspiration.’

Wonder Women Everywhere Are Recreating That Sword-in-Dress Trick
–– Some wonder men are, too.

South Carolina GOP Contender Calls For More Members Of Congress To Be Armed
–– Wants to replace annual ball game with shootout.

Family: Suspect in 4 slayings talked about killing for fun
–– They always say do what you love.

Oops. Barack Obama accidently reveals sex of Beyoncé and Jay Z's twins...
–– A leaker. Sad.

Trump Administration Sides With Employers Over Workers On Arbitration Agreements
–– Whoa, doesn’t sound like labor-loving president we know.

Trump names son’s wedding planner to lead federal housing office
–– To advise Ben Carson, picked only other African-American he knew.

Dennis Rodman heading to North Korea
–– So Trump wouldn't make him Carson advisor.

Feinstein: Trump ‘in for a rude awakening’ if he tries to shut down Russia probe
–– Let sleeping dogs lie.

Trump says he is being investigated over Comey firing
–– At least that sunk in.

Former German Chancellor Helmut Kohl dies
–– Stone Kohl.

‘The Great British Baking Show’: Where Are the Past Winners Now?
–– Baked.

Empty Nest! Jada Pinkett Smith Says Willow and Jaden Have Moved Out
–– More like escaped.

Dobbs: All the investigations against Trump are a waste of time, money
–– Loo Dobbs.

Trump Investigation Puts WH Officials in Tough Position
–– Y’think?

McGregor faces lawsuit if he kicks Mayweather
–– Can he get over him?

Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps to Race Against Great White Shark on 'Shark Week'
–– Shark in same lane, right behind.

Changes in Cuba policy could adversely impact Trump's hotel competitors
–– They'll be Havana bad day.

Judge finds Michelle Carter guilty of manslaughter in texting suicide case
–– And who convinced him to shank Constitution?

Don’t Believe Anonymously Sourced Reports, Justice Official Says
–– Because they’re way ahead of us.

Trump Transition Team Orders Former Aides to Preserve Russia-Related Materials
–– Collecting scrawled-on napkins, open caviar tins, empty vodka bottles, dental dams, used condoms.

Trump Will Allow ‘Dreamers’ to Stay in U.S., Reversing Campaign Promise
–– Our long national nightmare is over…it.

Homeowners with guns capture escaped inmates
–– NRA shoots wad.

Amazon to Buy Whole Foods in $13.4 Billion Deal
–– Can smugness be packaged, delivered?

Toddler thought bride was the real-life 'princess' from her 'favorite book'
–– Marked her with crayon, smeared with jello.

Serena Williams Playing Tennis In Her 3rd Trimester Is A Sight To Behold
–– A backhanded compliment.

Katy Perry on How Donald Trump’s Election 'Retriggered' Her Sexual Liberation
–– Would've literally if she got too close.

Steph Curry says he 'wouldn't go' to a White House ceremony with Trump, but added he wants to talk to teammates before final decision
–– Golden State worrier.

Breitbart News, Donald Trump’s Pravda, Is in Crisis
–– But Pravda means truth.

Ivanka Trump and Marco Rubio Are Reportedly Working Together on Paid Leave
–– Should pay each other to leave.

A Missing US Navy Sailor Was Found Hiding on His Ship After 7 Days
–– Claims victory in stealth exercise.

Trump lashes out after report says he’s being investigated for possible obstruction of justice
–– Aides can't get him to read definition of 'obstruction'.

Secrecy Surrounding Senate Health Bill Raises Alarms in Both Parties
–– Deadly contagion in quarantine.

Explaining Executive Privilege and Sessions’s Refusal to Answer Questions
–– ____.

CNN Sues FBI for Release of James Comey Memos
–– WIth key to Dear Diary.

Patti LuPone Won’t Perform for Trump: ‘I Hate the Motherf—er’
–– Patti dukes.

Polygamous sect leader Lyle Jeffs captured after 1 year
–– Sect's fiend.

Cosby does 'Fat Albert' tagline exiting court
–– Hey! Hey! Hey! You awake?

Eating fried potatoes linked to higher risk of death, study says
–– Particularly while being cooked.

Joel Schumacher apologizes for 'Batman & Robin'
–– Makes nipples on Clooney’s bat suit hard.

Tesla’s stock is up 75% this year. That's not a typo
–– Which is ridickulous. That is.

Rolling Stone will pay $1.65 million to fraternity that sued for defamation
–– Wenner feels ‘violated.’

Advertisers withdrawing from Megyn Kelly's show due to Alex Jones interview
–– Can't they get space aliens to sponsor show?

Trump Gives Mattis Authority to Send More Troops to Afghanistan
–– Wants ‘longest war in U.S. history’ credit for self.

The Modern Trans Memoir Comes of Age
–– Came over the trans some.

Michigan Official Is Charged With Involuntary Manslaughter in Flint Water Crisis
–– Lead away in handcuffs.

Republican House Whip Steve Scalise, congressional staffer shot in Virginia shooting
–– While standing on Second Amendment.

Virginia Shooting Suspect Was Distraught Over Trump’s Election, Brother Says
–– Watched too much Hardball on MSNBC.

The Steve Scalise shooting has already become a political football
–– On baseball diamond?

On TV, Putin Plays the Role He Likes Best: Russia’s Mr. Fix-It
–– Duma-It-Yourself.

Putin vows ‘rough, cheap effective’ missile response
–– ‘Is like sex I am liking.’

Trump’s newest Chinese trademarks: Religious clothing, advertising
–– Gutless toadying, ethics violations.

Judd Apatow to Sony: ‘Shove the Clean Versions of Movies Up Your A–!’
–– Then they’ll be dirty versions.

Piers Morgan on Amber Rose’s Exposed Crotch: ‘This Is Not Feminism’
–– Does she appreciate crack?

Amber Rose Flashes Her Crotch On Instagram To Promote Her “SlutWalk”
–– Not Snatchchat?

Tattooist catches teenager 'stealing bike' and inks his forehead with 'thief'
–– Tat’s gotta hoit!

Black Widow Spider Bites Massachusetts Child, Parents Issue Warning
–– Arachnid ignores them.

Texas police seize 600 pounds of meth-laced lollipops
–– So-called ‘Jiffy Pops’.

Jeff Sessions Denies Collusion, Deploring ‘Detestable Lie’ in Senate Testimony
–– Well, he do declah!

Sessions slams the door
–– On his little ‘Attorney General’.

Anita Pallenberg, Actress and Longtime Paramour of Keith Richards, Dies at 73
–– He completely drained her of blood in 1974.

The opioid epidemic in Ohio is so bad, a church is handing out Narcan
–– With wine chaser.

Trump imitation in Florida public school sinks student-body president
–– But has been named pseudodictorian at graduation.

Bangladeshi diplomat in New York accused of forcing servant to work without pay
–– Was feeling a little too much at home.

Team Trump Deploys ‘Comey Is a P*ssy’ Blitz
–– To give boss something to grab onto.

Qatar Airways CEO: U.S. 'fueling' the fire of Gulf crisis
–– Qatar to every whim.

Trump’s friend Christopher Ruddy says President 'considering' firing Mueller
–– Ruddy funny old bloke.

Cabinet members give Trump unusual tribute
–– Nazi salute with middle fingers extended.

Trump Boasts of ‘Record-Setting’ Pace of Activity
–– Running in circle.

9th Circuit deals Trump travel ban another defeat
–– Ban rolls on.

Gymboree files for bankruptcy
–– Make bootie call.

One-third of world now overweight, with US leading the way
–– Fat lot of good that does us.

Ivanka Trump: 'There is a level of viciousness that I was not expecting'
–– Old man is mean bastard.

Snoop Dogg’s Son on Debuting His Clothing Line: “The Hardest Part was Convincing my Dad”
–– “Of not smoking jacket.”

Bill Cosby's defense rests without hearing from famed comedian
–– Prosecution already resting after lude cocktail.

Donald Trump Jr. Contradicts Father’s Account of Private Meeting With Comey
–– And this is ‘smart’ son.

Kellyanne Conway Overheard Making Fun of Colleagues at Washington Party
–– She's not exactly most rounded in Oval Office.

Kellyanne Conway: People would cheer if I were ‘shot and killed’
–– Winged nut.

Fired U.S. Attorney Bharara: There’s “Absolutely Evidence” to Launch Obstruction of Justice Case Against Trump
–– Bharara of bad news.

‘I’m Coming Out — Wait, No!’: Kevin Spacey Pokes Fun at Those Rumors During Tony Awards Opening
–– Out break.

Stephen Colbert, Billy Crystal, and Whoopi Goldberg Crashed Kevin Spacey’s Opening Number at the Tony Awards
–– Which then burned.

Colin Kaepernick Had 17th Most Popular NFL Jersey in May
–– Licensing royalties should pay for new knee pads.

The hidden danger of grilling out
–– Low fire, billowy shorts.

Macron’s party on course for historic gains in French parliamentary election
–– Non-plussed.

Trump crashes New Jersey wedding
–– For pigs-in-blanket.

‘Chappie' director says response to flop was 'unbelievably painful'
–– Like chappied lips.

Danica Patrick to fans who booed her at Pocono: 'I'm a f------ person'
–– Fast-movin’?

Millie Bobby Brown Teaches Us How To Pull Off Clear-Knee Mom Jeans
–– Same way you’d remove any pants.

Mom Who Allowed Snake to Bite Her Baby as a Parenting Lesson, Charged with Child Abuse
–– Snake was a minor.

Trump Impeachment Calls Surge as President Faces ‘Most Serious Scandal’ in U.S. History
–– But he keeps getting busy signal.

Zaza Pachulia Throws Punches at Iman Shumpert's Groin in Game 4 Scuffle
–– Made his shump hurt.

My family tree, split by Trump
–– Guess where monkeys ended up.

Need a distraction? The Powerball jackpot is ginormous
–– Tossing money down drain always diverting.

Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to be drained after 80 ducks die
–– Drowned selves after Comey testimony.

US forces helping Philippines battle ISIS-linked fighters
–– To defeat faster told Duterte they were drug dealers.

O’Reilly laments not fighting back
–– Those babes were all over him!

A sloth's guide to business travel
–– If you don't mind hanging out on long line.

Netflix Apologizes to Viewers: 'Sense8' Is Still Canceled
–– ‘Sorry we didn’t do it sooner.’

Adam West, TV’s ‘Batman,’ Dies at 88
–– Holy hole, Batman!

Hollywood Reacts to Adam West's Death: "A Sweet, Nutty Guy"
–– Wouldn’t know, never tasted him.

Theresa May's top advisers resign after UK election shock
–– May dissemble romance.

Trump bets there's no smoking gun in Comey case
–– Despite his looking like Joe Btfsplk under perpetual cloud.

Fox News Was Attacking Barack Obama for Using Dijon Mustard at This Point in His Presidency
–– Now CNN slams Trump for not cutting mustard.

Week of 06/09/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Comey Bluntly Raises Possibility of Trump Obstruction and Condemns His ‘Lies’
–– How could he distinguish from half-truths?

Trump commits to NATO's Article 5
–– ‘But I just read the headline.'

Lawyer says Trump feels 'completely and totally vindicated' by Comey's testimony
–– And is convinced Comey actually has crush on him.

Calling Comey a Liar, Trump Says He Will Testify Under Oath
–– Dumbles down.

Rep. Swalwell: Trump performance was clownish
–– Maybe it was orange makeup, bright yellow mop top.

House to vote on killing Dodd-Frank today
–– While Comey provides cover.

Dow hits record high in the midst of Comey hearing
–– Because investors care deeply about rule of law.

Trump And His Allies Are Already Trying To Discredit James Comey
–– Plant item he’s only 6’ 6”.

What, exactly, was John McCain asking James Comey?
–– ‘Are you familiar with signs of stroke?’

Former FBI agent: 'I literally wanted to rinse myself off' after Comey statement
–– Russian hookers could be paid to do that.

UK election ends in hung parliament; PM May's gambit badly backfires
–– Not well-hung, either.

Theresa May, Despite U.K. Election Setback, Will Form a Minority Government
–– One Tory house with abasement.

Why history says Theresa May should go
–– It’s seen her resumé.

CNN Dumps Reza Aslan Over Trump ‘Piece of S—-‘ Tweet
–– POSitive development.

Roman Polanski’s Rape Victim Urges Court to Drop 40-Year-Old Case
–– Gets over Repulsion.

Bill Maher apologizes on 'Real Time' over using racial slur: 'I did a bad thing'
–– Politically corrects.

‘Wonder Woman’ Director Reveals Her High School Nickname Was Actually ‘Wonder Woman’
–– Called IUD 'lasso of truth'.

Why Ava DuVernay cried during 'Wonder Woman'
–– Fat guy stepped on toe squeezing by her.

More human remains, clues found in Civil War submarine's conservation
–– Spare Rebs.

White House Official Violated Law Banning Political Activity, Agency Says
–– Adds to CV.

Actress Glenne Headly Has Passed Away; Was Shooting Hulu Series ‘Future Man’
–– Past woman.

‘SNL’ hiatus offers Colin Jost time to 'refresh'
–– Audience time to ‘purge.’

Study links mosquito spray to delayed motor skills in babies
–– Can’t properly swat pests until age 3.

Reading Harry Potter Actually Makes You A Better Person
–– Says J.K. Rowling.

Anthony Bourdain Predicts We'll All Be Eating Pig Snouts (And Loving It)
–– While still attached to porker.

This Guy Played Barney For 10 Years And Has Some Secrets To Spill
–– After he ‘spills’ you don’t want to get in costume.

Stella McCartney: It's 'crazy' that fashion still uses animal products
–– Crazy like fox wrap.

Kirsten Gillibrand On Whether Donald Trump Has Kept His Promises: 'No. F**k No.'
–– Trump: ’She’s long in the tooth, but I still love when she talks dirty.’

Human toilet, too dumb to follow instructions, reduces airport worker to tears
–– Where does Trump find time?

Trump aides were 'less than impressed' with that typo-riddled statement by the president's personal lawyer
–– Misspells own name to protect identity.

White House Won't Say If There's A Recording System In The Oval Office
–– How about in Trump’s hair?

The Latest: Top House Democrat says Trump is sleep-deprived
–– Depraved, maybe.

First Lady Melania Trump Will Finally Move Back in With Donald at the White House
–– You can hear screaming from here.

High Fashion's Hijab Queen
–– Veiled threat.

Iran calls Trump's reaction to ISIS attacks "repugnant"
–– Now he’s got us agreeing with Ayatollahs.

China says Iran membership of Shanghai security bloc to be discussed at summit
–– Should get in based on 'repugnant' comment.

Dead butt syndrome: How to get your rear in gear
–– aka whoops-ass, numb buns, seat-of-the-pains, booty stall, rump punch, wazoo serious, heinie-heinie-ohhh, rock bottom, ahoy nates, tail of two sittings, arse longa, lag behind, fanny packed, gluteus laximus.

K-pop superstar T.O.P. in intensive care after overdose
–– Ketamine pop?

Lindsey Graham: 'Half of what Trump does is not OK'
–– ‘Other half is illegal.’

‘Manspreading’ is now a no-no on Madrid's public buses
–– Ban ‘sunning of the bulls’.

Why So Many Senators Wore Seersucker Today
–– In honor of sere sucker in WH.

Ashley Graham Gets Real About Her ‘Full Bush’
–– Calls it George W.

Donald Trump Reportedly Suggested Covering Border Wall With Solar Panels
–– To electrify it.

GOP Activist Prays For Pro-LGBTQ Texas Legislators And Staffs To 'Rot And Be Blown Away'
–– Opponents pray for bigots to ‘Be blown and right away.’

Vladimir Putin says 'I am not a woman, so I don't have bad days'
–– ‘Am on permanent rag.’

Trump is a 'sociopath' and could be 'losing his mind,' says former Cabinet member
–– Small enough to misplace on empty Resolute desk.

Beverly Hills Plastic Surgery Clinic Rocked by Patient Records Heist: "There Is Still Outstanding Stolen Property"
–– Including Cher’s old nose.

Phil Collins hospitalized after fall
–– He can feel it in his hair tonight.

Ring bought for $13 sells for $848,000
–– ‘Ooo, my precioussss.

Gianforte apologizes to reporter and pledges contribution to press group
–– To ground.

Oldest Fossils of Homo Sapiens Found in Morocco, Altering History of Our Species
–– Kind of like recent election.

Jared Kushner Is Becoming More Well-Known And More Disliked
–– To know him is to loathe him.

Putin Has Most Putin Response To Whether He’d Shower Next To A Gay Man
–– ‘Only if he is bending over for soap, if you understand what it is I am saying.’

Senators try to quiet Harris, but she doesn't back down
–– Manshushed her.

Michael Moore launches TrumpiLeaks whistleblowing site
–– Whistler's mutha.

Texas Governor Revives Stalled Transgender Bathroom Bill
–– Wants legislators to ‘shit or get off the pot.’

Texas Teacher Who Gave Student ‘Most Likely to Become a Terrorist’ Award Is Out of a Job
–– Did bomb her career.

Mike Freeman's 10-Point Stance: Could Peyton Manning Make a Run for President?
–– If CTE develops.

Critic who slated Sgt Pepper admits he was wrong 50 years on... and blames faulty speakers on his stereo for his review
–– And mice running too slow turning turntable.

Vladimir Putin Spokesman Calls Oliver Stone "Talented and Unpredictable"
–– Wanna switch that ‘un’?

Rob Zombie Signs With CAA
–– The working dead.

Oldest Homo sapiens fossils discovered
–– By Larry King’s doctor.

Trump is crippling his agenda by leaving top jobs unfilled
–– Then fire everybody!

Stranger Things star David Harbour told he was too fat to play obese supervillain The Blob
–– Suit would’ve provided snug Harbour.

How to Be Like the President, According to a Fox News Shrink
–– First, here are LSD tabs…

Woman Tells Workers To 'Go Back To China’.. While Ordering Chinese Food
–– Wanted fresher ingredients.

Trump’s tweets are 'official statements,' says Spicer
–– And 'offalicious', too.

Georgia GOP Candidate For U.S. House: 'I Do Not Support A Livable Wage'
–– She doesn't even support livable people.

Eric Trump funneled cancer charity money to his businesses, associates: report
–– 'We were worried about growth.'

Eric Trump on father’s critics: ‘To me, they’re not even people’
–– ‘Y’know, like cancer patients.’

Former US intelligence chief: Watergate pales in comparison to Russia probe
–– Nixon's texts him Smiley Ghost emoji.

Trump to nominate Christopher Wray as FBI director
–– Wray of dope.

Comey reportedly told Sessions: Don't leave me alone with Trump
–– Afraid he’d grab pussy.

Jeff Sessions committed the one sin Donald Trump can't forgive
–– Not saying, ‘It’s sooo big.’

Jeff Sessions 'told Trump he would QUIT' after angry president 'lashed out repeatedly' at attorney general over Russia probe
–– Stamped feet, but were too small to hear.

Jerry Seinfeld Denies Kesha a Hug on the Red Carpet
–– Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Oil lobby met with interior secretary at Trump hotel
–– Brought own lube.

Move over, Mall of America: This place would be 30% bigger
–– Trump Administration's cell block.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan: Don't 'roll out the red carpet' for Trump
–– ‘Unless he’s under it.’

Lord: Trump's London tweet 'Churchillian'
–– More chinchillian.

Newly discovered exoplanet is 'hotter than most stars'
–– Even Queen Bey?

Trump Organization to Go Budget Friendly With ‘American Idea’ Hotel Chain
–– Why not Armada Inn?

Peter Sallis, Voice of Wallace in ‘Wallace & Gromit’ Films, Dies at 96
–– Stop motion.

Trump’s Pick For Deputy Budget Director: Islam Is 'A Deficient Theology'
–– In his ‘inadequate brain.’

Official Resigns After Blaming Flint Water Crisis On ‘N****rs Who Don’t Pay Their Bills’
–– White water scandal.

Democrat Challenging GOP Rep. Steve King Drops Out Of Race, Citing Death Threats
–– King of the Hell.

London Attack Suspect Known as Abs Appeared in Film About Extremists
–– Short for Abysmal.

Mark Meadows: How Russia hysteria paralyzes Congress
–– How his Freedom Caucus makes Congress positively hum.

Babies may sleep longer in their own rooms, study says
–– Why Trump’s constantly at Mar-a-Lago.

Trump lashes out at London Mayor Sadiq Khan, again
–– The wrath at Khan.

Angelina Jolie Buys Cecil B. DeMille Estate Listed at $24.5 Million
–– Not run of DeMille.

Canada tornado: Alberta lawn-mowing man defies twister
–– Mow rocker.

CNN Responds to Reza Aslan Calling Pres. Trump ‘Piece of Shit’
–– “‘Piece’ seems to vastly undervalue the contributions of this president.”

Keshia Knight Pulliam, who played Bill Cosby's TV daughter Rudy Huxtable, escorts him into court Monday for sexual assault trial
–– Will jury buy huckster bull?

Jimmy Piersall, Whose Mental Illness Was Portrayed in ‘Fear Strikes Out,’ Dies at 87
–– Grounds out.

Megyn Kelly’s Putin Interview: A ‘Load Of Nonsense’
–– Da, this is review.

You’ll Never Believe What Birthday Boy Anderson Cooper Looked Like Before He Became a Silver Fox
–– Anderson Cooper with dark hair?

EPA Chief Scott Pruitt still won't say if President Trump believes climate change is a hoax
–– Or if endangered polar bears think Trump is hoax.

Fox News distances itself from Nigel Farage and Katie Hopkins’ talk of internment
–– Camping it up.

Japanese tourists shot dead in Philippines, bodies cut into pieces and thrown into sea
–– Got too chummy.

Tonys Host Kevin Spacey: "It's Impossible to Say What Will Happen"
–– Really? No Trump joke? No House of Cards cross-promotion? No Johnny Carson?

‘The Leftovers' saves its best for last
–– Reheated baloney.

Qatar rift: Saudi, UAE, Bahrain, Egypt cut diplomatic ties
–– Qatarstrophe?

New Leaked Emails Show How Qatar Crisis Developed In The U.S.
–– Qatar nine tales.

Gulf crisis is latest strain on 2022 World Cup in Qatar
–– CovFIFA!

UAE turns screw on Qatar, threatens sympathizers with jail
–– An act forbidden by Sharia Law.

Adnan Khashoggi, High-Living Saudi Arms Trader, Dies at 81
–– Will reunite in Hell with former clients.

Breitbart employees infuriated by colleagues' 'appalling' comments after London terror attack
–– Not alt-right with them.

Gay Lawmaker, Leo Varadkar, Is in Line to Be Ireland’s Prime Minister
–– Erin go Bravo!

Martha Stewart’s Date Stuck Her With the Bill at Le Bernardin
–– After stiff drink.

Legendary Sparks Steak House May Shutter at the End of Summer
–– Rubbed out by rent increase.

Why Panera Put Peanut Butter on a Grilled Cheese Sandwich For a Child With Severe Allergies
–– Didn’t think cheese alone would do trick.

Finance Worker Allegedly Said He Fatally Stabbed His Small Pet Dog In Self-Defense
–– Thought pooch had gun.

Papa John's employees accused of selling cocaine out of the store
–– That's not grated parmesan in shaker.

Uber criticized for surge pricing after London terror attack
–– Surge and destroy.

Jack O'Neill, wetsuit and surfing pioneer, dies at 94
–– Hangs six.

Popular People Live Longer
–– How about ones who lost by 3 million votes?

How G.O.P. Leaders Came to View Climate Change as Fake Science
–– Sun-fried brains.

Jon Hamm Just Said The Most Swoon-Worthy Thing About Therapy
–– ‘I love ether.’

Millennials are killing chains like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee's
–– Uh…thanks?

No Audit? No Problem: Republicans Blindly Support More Defense Spending
–– For service dogs.

Man With 'Joker' Face Tattoos Arrested for Second Time in a Week
–– Cops wanted more gag photos with them in Batman costumes.

Hall of Fame Quarterback Troy Aikman Is Engaged to Capa Mooty
–– Not Phi Beta Capa?

Donald Trump's Political Arm Cites InfoWars In An Email Boasting About Crowd Size
–– From article about Alex Jones’ 14-inch dick.

Bill Maher Slammed For Using N-Word on 'Real Time', Senator Ben Sasse Laughs
–– Ooo, Sassey.

Malls are doomed: 25% will be gone in 5 years
–– Leaving lots of standing sets for zombie Apocalypse movies.

East Coasters -- wake up early for a light show in the sky, thanks to NASA
–– Only thing they can afford with reduced budget.

Haley: 'President Trump believes the climate is changing'
–– ‘In summer he breaks out breathable polyester suits.’

Universal Music Slams ‘Shameful’ Unauthorized Ariana Grande Manchester Merchandise
–– Wow, that’s Kushner-level cashing in.

Week of 06/02/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Donald Trump Pulls Out Of Paris Climate Accord In Ironically Set Rose Garden Ceremony
–– Then urinates on American Beauties.

Um, Is Lindsay Lohan Launching a Jewelry Collection?
–– Or boosting?

Trump Sought Reassurance From Fox News Before He Dumped Climate Pact
–– What Would Doocy Do?

Trump Thinks Exiting The Paris Agreement Will Keep The World From Laughing At Us
–– Prefers groans of disgust.

Ivanka Trump loses climate battle as Bannon reemerges in White House
–– When septic tank backs up.

Top CEOs tell the CEO president: You're wrong on Paris
–– 'We thought you liked oui-oui.'

Why Are These CEOs Still Standing With Trump on Climate?
–– Chief Executionary Officers.

Disney CEO Bob Iger Resigns From Trump Council Over Paris Decision
–– The Iger sanction.

Trump Faults Climate Deal for Conceding to 'World’s Leading Polluters'
–– ‘Was way too easy on the United States. Sad.’

Abandoning Paris climate deal marks Trump's return to angry populism
–– He never left.

White House officials struggle to answer questions about Trump’s withdrawal from the Paris accord
–– Like explaining last season of Lost.

A huge ice crack in Antarctica grew 11 miles in 6 days, and a giant iceberg is coming
–– It is travelling .3 miles per day. Trump is in 88.3% denial. How many days before it reaches Mar-a-Lago?

Michael Bloomberg: I'll make sure UN gets $15 million it needs for Paris agreement
–– Trump: 'See, we're privatizing the Earth.'

Putin: Russia Being Persecuted Like Jews, Megyn Kelly Needs a ‘Pill’ for Her Hysteria
–– ‘Here, try Polonium tranq.’

Vladimir Putin Tells Megyn Kelly American Hackers May Have "Shifted the Blame" to Russia
–– Poor, innocent, defenseless Russia!

Lawmakers ask whether looming debt left Jared Kushner vulnerable to Russian influence
–– In red state.

Trump Administration Asks Supreme Court to Revive Travel Ban
–– By humping its dead ass.

Trump Administration Starts Returning Copies of C.I.A. Torture Report to Congress
–– So Republicans have bedtime reading.

Lawsuit Accuses Glass Artist Dale Chihuly Of Plagiarizing Work
–– Silica valley.

Secret Service relaxes marijuana policy in bid to swell ranks
–– You’d have to be way high to take one for Trump.

It took Jeff Sessions just one month to turn Obama-era drug policy on its head
–– He's human mandatory minimum.

On the Trail with Kane: The WWE Star Runs for Office in Trump Country, Unmasked
–– Will need to dumb down message.

Kathy Griffin Says Donald Trump and Family are Trying to Ruin Her Career
–– When own efforts failed.

Jim Carrey to Kathy Griffin: ‘Hold Up a Severed Leg as Well’
–– Stumps for Trump.

High Times Is Sold to Group That Includes Son of Bob Marley
–– Ganja just taste the irony?

Walmart Accused of Punishing Workers For Sick Days, Pregnancy
–– Isn't pregnancy punishment enough?

Saudis Signal Expanded Executions Policy After Donald Trump's Visit
–– Give him beheads-up.

Martina Navratilova calls for renaming of Australian Open arena after Margaret Court's 'homophobic' remark
–– Court with her pans down.

Trump administration 'spying on journalists to find out who is leaking information'
–– And 'who is checking facts.'

Amanda Holden shamed for 'dressing like a stripper' at Britain's Got Talent semi-final
–– Holden low regard.

How Trump was going to end the Cold War in the 1980s
–– Something to do with a DeLorean, Marty McFly, mountains of coke at Club 54.

Doctor Arrested With Guns At Trump Hotel Spoke of McVeigh
–– When he described room looking like 'fertilizer truck bomb hit it.'

McMaster Is ‘Being Used’ for His General’s Stars, His Old Military Comrades Say
–– Brass monkey.

What Forced Scott Pelley Out at ‘CBS Evening News’
–– Anchor management.

Life on Mars would be harsh and miserable for humans, Europe's space chief says
–– 'Just imagine Minsk, 5th-floor walk-up, -63ºC, Putin your neighbor.'

Trevor Noah Calls Out Donald Trump For His Recent 'Load Of Bulls**t'
–– This morning's? This afternoon's? From 10 minutes ago?

Trump’s White House grants ethics waivers that give exemptions to Kellyanne Conway, Steve Bannon, and ex-lobbyists
–– Ethics waver all over.

Mexican Lawyer Markets Trump-Branded Toilet Paper For A Very Good Cause
–– El Rumpo Trumpo.

Model Wearing American Flag as Hijab on Magazine Cover Shows Underboob
–– Why is Sean Spicer on Hustler cover?

Michael Steele: Trump Is the Cause of Chaos in the White House
–– Now you know how he got to be RNC Chair.

Man wears strainer on his head in driver's license photo
–– So cops will recognize him when he's stopped on pasta bender.

36 bodies found in Resorts World Manila, Philippines official says
–– Surprisingly none on Duterte’s order.

Trump on Paris accord: 'We're getting out'
–– Of fuel-efficient car going 100 mph.

Putin Hints at U.S. Election Meddling by ‘Patriotically Minded’ Russians
–– Totally cracks self up.

If Trump Kills Climate Agreement, Can He Revive Coal?
–– Perhaps mouth-to-mouth with briquet.

Trump's right: A coal mine is opening soon. It will create 70 jobs
–– Not counting health professionals to treat black lung.

Ted Cruz: Trump should withdraw from Paris climate pact
–– Advise and incense.

Jared Kushner 'admitted Donald Trump lies to his base because he thinks they're stupid'
–– Sieve claims pot calls kettle black.

Elon Musk to Trump: Ditch Paris deal and I'll quit as your adviser
–– He Musk be joking.

Usain Bolt Confirms That Unbelievable Rumor About Chicken McNuggets
–– They beat him to bathroom.

EpiPen maker blasted for paying top exec $98 million
–– All's it takes is little prick.

The Good Cemeterian: Restoring Veterans’ Tombstones
–– Monumental undertaking.

Jeremy Renner to Narrate Discovery Channel Doc About the Dangers of Mosquitoes
–– Sure to suck.

Trump expected to withdraw from Paris climate agreement
–– Can't find own name anywhere in document.

Trump Tweets ‘Covfefe,’ and a Waiting World Supplies the Punchlines
–– Onomatopoeia for brain fart.

Clinton jokes covfefe 'a hidden message to the Russians'
–– 'Lock her up.'

Sean Spicer says a ‘small group of people’ know what Trump’s ‘covfefe’ tweet meant
–– Munchkins.

Maxime Hamou Banned from 2017 French Open for Trying to Kiss, Grope Reporter
–– Thought score was love all.

‘Fearless Girl' joined briefly by 'Peeing Pug' statue
–– Nice Mick Mulvaney was honored even for short time.

Officials: Trump may roll back Obama opening with Cuba
–– Because he doesn't know Havanan whores he can pay to piss on bed Obama slept in.

Congressional Russia Probe Now Includes Trump Lawyer Michael Cohen
–– Will need larger instrument for asshole that big.

Why There Is No ‘Trump Slump’ on Wall Street
–– Because Wall Street soulless as him.

Trump’s communications director Mike Dubke resigns
–– 'My work is done: all of America got the message.’

Joshua Jackson Is Ex-Boyfriend Goals With This Tribute to Diane Kruger
–– Fleek of nature, bestie.

National Spelling Bee becoming easier to predict
–– I-N-D-I-A-N-A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N.

On Russia-Kushner Backchannel, Trump's H.R. McMaster And John Kelly Show Lack Of Judgment
–– Didn't joining administration demonstrate that?

After Merkel rebuke, May says wants strong partnership with EU
–– ‘Me Tree-sa, want strong partnership, oo oo, oo, oo.

Orangutan climbs out of enclosure while rescuing her baby
–– Comments: ‘Yeah, I could’ve done this anytime, but I’ve grown rather lazy.’

Macron finally speaks out about the Trump handshake: "it wasn't innocent"
–– ‘I tickled his palm with my middle finger.’

Trump Raged at Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas In Bethlehem Meeting: 'You Lied To Me'
–– ‘Don’t you get it: I lie to you!

China says Philippines' 600-kg drug seizure was largest in shared crackdown
–– But didn't bring crack down.

Kentucky Newspaper’s Windows Shattered Amid Rising Anti-Press Climate
–– Police have narrowed suspects to handful who're literate.

Donald Trump acted like 'a drunk tourist' on Europe trip that led Angela Merkel to proclaim end of US alliance
–– 'Ja, he was strictly small beer.'

Ex-CIA Director Slams Jared Kushner's 'Hubris' And 'Ignorance'
–– Kushner praises mohel for 'outstanding' hubris.

Manuel Noriega, former Panamanian dictator and drug trafficker, dead at 83
–– George HW Bush has first good BM in week.

Protest sparks Texas lawmaker threats of gun violence
–– Like threat of STD at whorehouse.

White House identifies three leakers of classified information
–– Not including President.

Great white shark leaps into fisherman's boat
–– Rehearsing for Shark Week.

Sources: Russians discussed potentially 'derogatory' information about Trump and associates during campaign
–– Threatened to reveal candidate as uninformed, misogynistic, bigoted, lying, financially reckless groper…until he did.

Kushner Asked to ‘Lay Low’ After Russia-Related Reports, Source Says
–– Asks Spicer to move over in bushes.

Tiger Woods arrested on suspicion of DUI
–– Driving Using Iron?

Tiger Woods found asleep at wheel, arrest report says
–– Birdies flying around head.

Video Showing Tiger Woods Struggling with Breathalyzer Released
–– Couldn’t sink it in pie hole.

‘Pirates of the Caribbean' tries to turn back time
–– Depp should’ve worn Cher’s fishnet body stocking.

Barbra Streisand Mourns the Loss of Her "Beloved" 14-Year-Old Dog
–– Yaptl.

Rick Santorum to President Trump: Stop tweeting
–– Tweet thins.

White House Facebook Page Snubs Gay Prime Minister's Husband, Fixes It After Backlash
–– WH: ‘We assumed he was Queen of Belgium’s hairdresser.’

Kumail Nanjiani Tells Grads To ‘Have Sex With An Immigrant’
–– Pronunces self 'valid dicktorian.'

Jared Kushner’s Growing Stench of Treason
–– Latest Trump fragrance.

Homeland Security secretary on reported Russian back-channel: 'I don't see the big deal'
–– ‘I'm for homing pigeons, ravens, whatever.’

The Coat of Arms Said ‘Integrity.’ Now It Says ‘Trump.’
–– Antonym of the day.

Two South Carolina men charged after forcing alligator to drink beer
–– Dubbed 'Gatorade'.

Manchester Attack: Hundreds Queue for Bee Tattoos
–– Samantha grateful.

Star Wars actor John Boyega caught up in Old Vic bomb threat
–– Critics feared he'd be cast.

Giant 'Styrofoam' Planet Could Help Scientists Find New Habitable Worlds
–– Perfect for UPS.

Texas Anti-Trans Bathroom Bill May Force A Special Session
–– According to leaks.

Former national security adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski dies at 89
–– Zbig deal.

New Orleans Principal Fired After Video Captures Him Wearing Nazi-Associated Rings
–– School to stop giving SSATs.

Donald Trump and the Agony of H.R. McMaster: Will the President Dump His Second National Security Adviser?
–– He should be so lucky.

GOP Congressman Declines To Say Whether Every American Is Entitled To Eat
–– 'Me.'

National security adviser: ‘I would not be concerned’ about a Russia back channel
–– 'I get RT America on basic cable.'

Egypt shooting: ISIS claims massacre of 29
–– Lead al Qaeda in season series.

Duterte jokes about rape while rallying troops to fight militants
–– Trump chuckles supportively.

'This is off the map': Former intelligence officials say the reported Kushner-Russia plan is unlike anything they've ever seen
–– Never read Espionage for Dummies.

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