Headbangers 12/17
Headbangers 11/17
Headbangers 10/17
Headbangers 09/17
Headbangers 08/17
Headbangers 07/17
Headbangers 06/17
Headbangers 05/17
Headbangers 04/17
Headbangers 03/17
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Headbangers 01/17
Headbangers 2016
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 04/28/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Trump: I miss my old life
–– Sweet Jesus, so do we!

Trump fails to force health care vote in first 100 days
–– Keeps record perfect.

Trump's 1st economic report card: Slowest growth in 3 years
–– While administration metastasizes at record pace.

Trump: 'I thought it would be easier'
–– Fucking up entire nation takes work.

Chaos at Rikers, but City Jails Chief Was Gone for 90 Days
–– He busted out, see? No jail could hold ‘im, see?

Trump on North Korea: Tactic? ‘Madman Theory’? Or Just Mixed Messages?
–– Ever think 'more bullshit'?

Even Donald Trump's birthday tweet to Melania has a factual error it in
–– But not error grammatical it in.

‘Roseanne’ Revival in the Works with Roseanne Barr, John Goodman, Sara Gilbert
–– Smelling salts, defibrillation paddles at ready.

“I Think I’m Going to Hang It Up, LOL”: Aaron Hernandez Note to Prison Boyfriend
–– Who says football players ain’t witty?

Donald Trump is Overweight, But Has a History of Fat-Shaming
–– Fat ashamed to be on his body.

Alone in the White House, Trump is enjoying the perks of his new home
–– Just watch where you sit down.

Sean Hannity And Lou Dobbs Agree: Trump 'Pretty Close To Perfect'
–– Like turd you can't bear to flush.

In new Fox News poll, only 36 percent of voters would re-elect President Trump
–– ONLY?!!!!

ISIS Fighters Regret Attacking Israel And Have 'Apologized', Former Defense Minister Says
–– Sent I Am Bury Sorry™ box from Edible Arrangements.

Little House on the Prairie and Fox News' Melissa Francis Details Sexual Harassment by a Drunk 'Pig' Colleague
–– Doesn’t narrow field much.

Here’s why, even with control of everything, the GOP cannot govern
–– No control of sphincter.

Dietl’s Swipe at Judge and Mayor’s Wife May Cloud His G.O.P. Mayoral Bid
–– Bo Bumhole.

Mnuchin promises Trump's tax cuts will be biggest ever
–– He's been crnuchin numbers.

Trump Tax Plan Would Shift Trillions From U.S. Coffers to the Richest
–– Trump voter: 'Them thar coffers is probably sick anyways.'

Diabetes, weight can combine to alter brain, study says
–– Resulting in fatheads.

Turns Out the Only Way Jeff Goldblum Looks Hotter Is When He's Giving Out Sausages
–– In latest slang for, well, you know.

The female chefs nominated for the James Beard Awards are on fire
–– Danger of working wood-burning ovens.

Pope Francis visits Egypt amid tensions for Christians
–– 45 dead Copts bombed into relaxation.

Sources: Priebus made 'big push' on health care vote but came up short
–– His wife could relate.

Yet another dog food lot recalled because it may contain euthanasia drug
–– Purina Dead Chow.

Who will be the new enemy for Trump and the NRA?
–– Own feet?

This man wants to build Trump's border wall
–– One H. Dumpty.

Toyota recalls 228,000 pickups
–– Mostly at sake bars.

Drugged driving surpasses drunken driving among drivers killed in crashes, report finds
–– High time.

Uber’s top self-driving car exec steps aside amid lawsuit
–– Swerved to avoid ditch.

George Clinton: 'Ain't no funk in the Trump'
–– ‘Jest lotsa junk.’

Johnny Depp As Jack Sparrow Makes Surprise Appearance At Pirates Of the Caribbean Disneyland Ride
–– Out-acted by animatronic ‘drunken sailor.’

Melania Trump Is Bringing Back Coat Dresses
–– Every First Lady needs cause.

Booed in Berlin for praising father, Ivanka Trump says fine-tuning role
–– Just ‘fine-tuning role.’

Fox News’ Jesse Watters Is Taking an Abrupt Vacation After Ivanka Trump ‘Microphone’ Joke
–– He blew it.

Ivanka Trump rubs shoulders with Merkel, Lagarde at Berlin women's summit
–– Gives Jesse Watters stiffy.

Trump agrees 'not to terminate NAFTA at this time'
–– A NAFTA thought.

Pelosi: Government funding bill still has '70 poison pills'
–– Per family per year in Trumpcare.

Marine Charged with Attack at Iraqi Restaurant in Oregon
–– Part of Mattis’ new surge strategy.

Bill Cosby Says He Yearns to Get Back on Stage, After Trial
–– Cites Trump as role model.

The Brash Plan to Defend Bill Cosby: "Rehabilitate His Reputation" at Trial
–– Includes plenty of ludes for jury.

Jonathan Demme, 'Silence of the Lambs' director, dead at 73
–– Donates liver to be eaten with some fava beans and nice chianti.

Gift Ngoepe Called Up by Pirates, Becomes 1st African-Born Player in MLB History
–– Not satisfied with Pirates of the Caribbean?

Trump order could roll back public lands protections from 3 presidents
–– Hopes to build Grand Canyon condos.

Jenner: I can't publicly be seen with Trump
–– ‘Everything I own clashes with his hair.’

This Year's Draft Is Missing One Big Thing: A 400-Pound Tight End
–– And those are hard to misplace.

Does saturated fats clog your arteries? Controversial paper says 'no'
–– Co-authored by a Dr. B. King.

A healthy 3-foot-long giant rabbit is found dead after United flight
–– Hopped-up on downers.

Ann Coulter On Verge of Pulling Out of Speech at Berkeley
–– Should be used to suitors pulling out.

Obama Is Said to Accept $400,000 Fee for a Speech
–– The socialist!

Donald Trump has a button on his desk to summon a butler to bring him a Coke
–– Perfect for soda jerk.

Trump’s speaking style still flummoxes linguists
–– Trump: ‘Flummoxes? Are those fat chicks you shtupped?'

Three key lessons from the Pope's surprise TED talk
–– 3. Taking up a collection afterwards uncool.

Richard Hatch, ‘Battlestar Galactica’ Actor, Dies at 71
–– Down the Hatch.

Fox News Anchor Among Group Alleging Racial Discrimination In Class-Action Suit
–– The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

IS 'executes' at least 15 civilians in Mosul: officials
–– Are they ‘dead’?

Trump’s Proposed Tax Plan Could Cost the Government $6 Trillion
–– Debt he’ll sell to Mexico.

Trump again thunders against judiciary
–– Rage only cardio he gets.

Bride of ISIS: From 'happily ever after' to hell
–– And weird beehive hairdo with white lightning streaks through it.

Spurs Coach Gregg Popovich Reportedly Leaves $5,000 Tip at Memphis Wine Bar
–– After quadruple-double.

Eric Thames Subjected to 2nd Random Drug Test After Hitting MLB-Leading 11th HR
–– Can they see if ball’s juicing?

Magnet found in sausage; Uncle John’s Pride recalls 70 tons
–– Repelled consumers.

Netflix Lands ‘Outlaw King’; David Mackenzie Directs Chris Pine As Robert The Bruce In Scottish Epic
–– But is he Bruce enough?

NPR’s Robert Siegel To Step Down As Host Of ‘All Things Considered’
–– Return to job as sleep therapist.

“Sad” Bill O’Reilly Says Fans Will Be “Shaken” When “Truth Comes Out” About Fox News Exit
–– “Sad” in Trumpian sense.

There Are More Than 2 Jobs in Solar for Every 1 in Coal
–– Trump: “So we’ll create 1 job in coal and catch up.”

Some Surprising Dog Breeds Have Ancient American Heritage
–– Larry King Charles Spaniel, George HW Bush Dog, Betty Whitemaraner.

Adam 'Pacman' Jones Tells Officer to 'Suck My D--k' in Arrest Video Footage
–– Wouldn't Pacman say ‘eat me?’

Naked mole-rats: The mammals that can survive without oxygen
–- Or clothes.

You can't out-crazy Kim Jong Un
–– Or out-lazy Trump.

US general in Afghanistan suggests Russia arming the Taliban
–– Russians like suggestion.

‘Why I'm backing Le Pen' - in three words
–– ‘Sieg heil…uh…heil.’

Donald Trump just blinked on the border wall showdown
–– Hard to tell with that squinty bastard.

Tucker Carlson Kicks Off New Time Slot With Message to Bill O’Reilly Fans
–– 'My name is Bill O'Reilly, yes, it's still me, I just got a haircut…and changed my name to Tucker, but nothing's changed, don't touch your dials.'

Marissa Mayer will walk away from Yahoo with $186 million
–– Golden Shower Parachute.

Second copy of Declaration of Independence discovered
–– Yes, by Nicolas Cage.

CIA director Mike Pompeo repeatedly cited WikiLeaks to attack Clinton during campaign
–– And Breitbart to prove his agency's infiltrated.

Security Council Diplomats to Have Lunch With Trump
–– Pepto at every place setting.

Four-year-old falls out of moving bus
–– Was bouncing baby boy.

These are the 100-day accomplishments Trump is touting
–– Found all WH light switches, shot 78 at Mar-a-Lago, got 'monthly' from Melania in Lincoln bedroom.

Amber Heard and Tesla Founder Elon Musk Show PDA During First Public Outing in Australia
–– He still uses PalmPilot.

Burt Reynolds, 81, Makes Rare Public Appearance While Promoting New Film
–– On top of old Smokey and the Bandit.

Homeland Security not targeting Dreamers: Kelly
–– ‘Although ICE has roused deportees out of sleep.’

Whitehall 'planning to minimise stairs Donald Trump must use' on state visit
–– To escalate tensions?

Mel B Admits to Three-Way Sex But Says Stephen Belafonte Cheated Alone with Nanny
–– Couldn't manage a trois.

Karl: Trump has 'fallen dramatically short' in first 100 days by standards he set during campaign
–– And standards were lowest in history.

The man who called crude’s collapse three years ago now sees this
–– 100 days of crude in highest office.

‘I Don't Know Where to Start': Kim Zolciak-Biermann's 4-Year-Old Son Hospitalized After Being Bitten by Dog
–– Bite back?

Brain-Damaged Woman Grins as Future Sister-in-Law Asks Her to Be a Bridesmaid
–– Because she's sleeping with brother.

Mulvaney Says Trump Tax Plan Details Won't Be Ready Until June
–– Did not give year.

‘Sherlock Holmes of Armenian Genocide’ Uncovers Lost Evidence
–– ‘Turkish Moriarity’ denies genocide.

Donald Trump boasts about getting higher TV ratings than 9/11 attacks
–– Disasters draw.

New Orleans Begins Removal of Controversial Confederate Monuments Despite Death Threats
–– Block lives matter.

Jimmy Choo (the company) is now on sale
–– A really big Choo.

American Airlines investigates after video shows mom in tears
–– In Syrian civil war.

United Airlines reaches settlement with passenger who was dragged off plane
–– Now passengers will never voluntarily leave seats.

Kenny G. makes dreams and nightmares come true with mid-air concert
–– Dr. David Dao: 'So it could've been worse.'

Poll: Only 2% say they regret voting for Trump
–– 1% sorry about nail they drove into own heads.

US tells North Korea to cease 'destabilizing actions and rhetoric'
–– ‘Or we’ll hold our breath!’

Pope likens refugee centers to 'concentration camps'
–– Meant to say ‘holocaust centers.’

Trump on Earth Day: 'Rigorous science is critical to my administration'
–– ‘Psych!’

John Waters Summer Camp Will Offer Cigars, Scotch, Burlesque Lessons
–– Plus pink flamingos, female trouble, pecker.

Trump Says He Will Hold Rally While Skipping Correspondents’ Dinner
–– And chew gum at same time.

Trump to hold 'big' Pennsylvania rally to mark 100th day, may upend White House reporters gala
–– His co-respondents are all adulterers.

Armed Civilian Bands in Venezuela Prop Up Unpopular President
–– With band stands.

March for Science: Protesters gather worldwide to support 'evidence'
–– Trump denies political climate.

Air marshal leaves gun in airplane bathroom
–– No. 1 with a bullet.

Week of 04/21/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Marine Le Pen Leads Far-Right Fight to Make France ‘More French’
–– Y'know, like Marquis de Sade.

What are Marine Le Pen’s odds of victory?
–– Oui bit better.

Elizabeth Warren says Trump won presidential election partly due to racism
–– File under D for “Duh.”

Nurse Replaces Surgeon General After Obama Appointee Resigns
–– Trump's ongoing quest for least qualified.

Madison Bumgarner Injured Rib, Shoulder in Dirt Bike Accident, May Miss 8 Weeks
–– Sounds like dirtbag accident.

At a ‘Unity’ Stop in Nebraska, Democrats Find Anything But
–– Berning bridges.

Trump Vows to Unveil Tax-Cut Plan Next Week, Surprising Staff
–– Will write in clubhouse after front nine.

Venezuela just did General Motors a favor by seizing its car assembly plant
–– Like favor they did citizens with massive food shortages.

HGTV Star and Single Mom Nicole Curtis 'Would Give Anything to Have a Husband That Loved & Supported Me'
–– Got $2 bil?

Trump wings it without chief of protocol
–– As in shoots diplomacy in leg.

Angry Muslim-American flashes guns, warns Christians to be ‘terrified’
–– Anything to get headline in New York Post.

MARK CUBAN: Trump's first 100 days are like 'political chemotherapy'
–– But he’s the tumor.

Richard Simmons Was 'Laughing and Joking' After Hospitalization and 'Looks Really Great,' Says Cop on Scene
–– Sweatin’ with the oxies.

Berkeley Cancels Ann Coulter Speech Over Safety Fears
–– For audience's brain cells.

The White House ups the odds of a government shutdown by demanding Democrats fund Trump's border wall
–– And pay for Melania's boob job 'touch-up'.

White House Orders Agencies to Prepare for Potential Government Shutdown
–– American people will have to be informed if it’s even happening.

Trump voters don't believe he has played more golf than Obama in first 3 months
–– Also don't believe Obama wasn't caddying for Biden.

‘I Am Tougher Than a Bullet': Utah Girl Allegedly Shot and Left for Dead by 2 Teen Boys Speaks Out
–– High-caliber character.

Trump welcomes Egyptian-American aid worker he helped bring home to White House
–– Deported immediately after photo-op.

Here’s everything Ivanka Trump has done in her new White House job so far
–– In big block letters on smallest designer handkerchief.

Inside the isolated cabin where Elizabeth Thomas and Tad Cummins were found
–– The absolute last place you want to be.

Bill O'Reilly Accuser Caroline Heldman Claims His 'Sexist Humiliation and Bullying' Was 'Typical' for Him
–– Held woman.

Elephant Sedative May be Behind Heroin OD’s
–– Marked improvement in remembering last moments.

Op-Ed: 'The handwriting is on the wall' for Trump's presidency
–– And all words spelled rong.

Cowboys CB Anthony Brown Gets Tattoo of Potato Chip on Shoulder
–– Chip off old block.

Bebe is closing all its stores, the latest casualty in retail
–– Bebe wipes.

Bill Nye says science will make a comeback
–– Renamed sorcery, but still…

Trump recognizes player who isn't there
–– But is in head.

Trump slams first 100 days construct -- after repeatedly embracing it
–– Until he realized he couldn't count that high.

Trump denies Exxon permission to drill for oil in Russia
–– But Russia can still drill in him.

Hailee Steinfeld On How She Stays Fit And If She Listens To Her Own Songs
–– That exercise too painful.

O’Reilly on harassment in 2004: Some women use it 'as a club' against men
–– Spoken like true caveman.

Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent and Kid Rock walk into the White House ...
–– And plasticware's missing.

Musician Ted Nugent responds to CNN’s ‘white trash Mount Rushmore’ commentary
–– With them renamed Rashmore.

AG Sessions says he's 'amazed' a judge 'on an island in the Pacific' can block Trump's immigration order
–– 'Poi, oh poi.'

This $30,000 robot will make you a salad
–– For that, I’d want my nuts tossed.

Snoop Dogg: Patron saint of 4/20
–– St. Burnhard.

Mockery, anger in South Korea over USS Carl Vinson 'bluffing'
–– Trump continues to unite world in contempt.

Russian bombers spotted off Alaskan coast twice in 24 hours
–– By Sarah Palin and ice trucker.

Rob Gronkowski Interrupts Sean Spicer's Press Briefing During White House Visit
–– Goes for bomb.

Pirates’ Josh Harrison Gets Hits by Pitch in 4 Consecutive Plate Appearances
–– Harrison: “Arrrrgh!”

Jason Chaffetz, Powerful House Republican, Won’t Run in 2018
–– We horridly knew thee.

Aaron Hernandez Hanged Himself in Prison, Officials Say
–– Tight end.

Trump Administration Grudgingly Confirms Iran’s Compliance With Nuclear Deal
–– Clucks, shrugs shoulders, rolls eyes.

Sheldon Adelson Gave $5 Million for Trump’s Inauguration
–– Which explains 80s-style classiness.

What people talk about before they die
–– How hard comedy is.

Julia Roberts Named World’s Most Beautiful Woman by People Magazine
–– It’s a small world after all.

She 'Fell on Her Own Sword': How Huma Abedin Left the Clinton Campaign Trail After October Surprise Involving Her Disgraced Husband
–– Weiner asked her to fall on his.

Republican senator airs her 'concerns' that Trump spends all his time at Mar-a-Lago
–– She's teed off.

Polar bear 'dies of a broken heart' after best friend shipped off by SeaWorld
–– That's cold.

Okla. Woman Gets Life for Dressing as a Witch to Terrorize Her 7-Year-Old Granddaughter
–– Ding-dong.

Quick-thinking McDonald's worker leads police to Facebook killer
–– Asked killer if he wanted to fry with that.

Miami state senator curses at black lawmaker — and refers to fellow Republicans as ‘niggas’
–– Posse whipped.

Jay Pharoah has 'no beef' after 'SNL' firing
–– Can’t even afford ‘chicken.’

Chris Christie Is Playing a Dangerous Game with Trump
–– Autoerotic asphyxiation.

President Trump has reportedly been making late-night calls to Chris Christie
–– For KFC runs.

Scientists discover massive sulfur-eating hell-clams in the Philippines
–– Attached to Duterte’s groin.

New Bill O'Reilly Accuser Says He Called Her "Hot Chocolate" and Leered
–– Asked if she wanted to “melt his marshmallows.”

Fox News "Preparing" to Axe O'Reilly, Murdoch's Wall Str
–– Will have to sanitize blade after.

Part of Bill O'Reilly's problem at Fox: Few people there actually like him
–– Steve Doucey claims he enjoyed noogies.

As Trump warned North Korea, his 'armada' was headed toward Australia
–– Hoped Francis Drake wouldn’t sink it.

It’s real: You can now buy a Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks
–– And pick teeth with horn.

China OKs trademarks for Ivanka Trump's company on day she met with Xi
–– Including one for brass balls.

Egypt unearths 8 mummies in 3,500-year-old tombs
–– 4 duplexes.

There’s a new world's oldest woman
–– By process of elimination.

Barack Obama snaps photo of Michelle Obama on yacht
–– Wanted shot of happiest woman in world.

Dad’s Touching Reaction to Daughter’s Wet Pants Makes Him a Hero
–– But he's sorry he spilled beer.

A Trainer Gets Brutally Honest About Why You Aren't Seeing Results
–– You lazy sack of french fries, you.

Melania Trump Nudges President Trump To Place His Hand Over His Chest
–– Should’ve been mouth.

Spicer pressed about White House decision to keep visitor logs secret: 'We're following the law'
–– ‘A North Korean one, but, y’know, legal.’

Trump: I won’t say whether we sabotaged North Korea missile test
–– ‘Generals don’t tell me anything.’

Trump claims immunity as President in lawsuit
–– And immortality.

Sen. Cotton booed over Trump's taxes
–– Crowd didn’t cotton to defense.

Trump congratulates Erdogan for referendum win
–– Turkey and addressing.

An Atlanta Theater Faces Criticism for Gay Versions of Bible Stories
–– Let my people cum.

Bashar al-Assad's wife should lose her UK citizenship, say lawmakers
–– Nah, give husband another six years of genocide.

As advisers cross globe to hotspots, Trump stays put
–– Terror threat awaits visa.

Huckabee: I'd rather have Obama as president than have Comcast service
–– Rather have eyes plucked out than either.

Spicer: 'Usually fast asleep' when 'SNL' comes on
–– And too dumb to operate DVR.

Alex Jones ‘playing a character,’ says lawyer
–– Mr. Hyde.

‘Girls’ finale labors to find an ending
–– Failed to deliver.

On North Korean border, Pence tells CNN US will drop 'failed policy'
–– Replace with ‘disastrous policy.’

Meet the 'most underestimated person on Trump's team'
–– Which is really, really, really saying something.

Emma Morano, world's oldest person, dies at age 117
–– Parasailing.

Vice President Pence to visit DMZ
–– Can’t somebody snatch him from North?

Nepal, China begin first-ever joint military exercises
–– Weaponized yaks join infantry.

Senator Elizabeth Warren says House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ignores her when she says hello
–– Trump greets her with 'How!'

Tyrese Gibson Apologizes for Controversial Comments About ‘Promiscuous Women’
–– Slut shamming.

Bruce Langhorne, Guitarist Who Inspired ‘Mr. Tambourine Man,’ Dies at 78
–– Dylan’s worst best-known song, but still…

North Korea surprises with display of new missiles
–– Bombes Suprise.

North Korea's military parade: What we didn't see
–– Underdog float.

North Korean Missile Launch Fails, and a Show of Strength Fizzles
–– Kimpotence.

McMaster: North Korea 'coming to a head'
–– ‘In the toilet sense.’

Trump administration not planning to respond to failed North Korean missile launch
–– Suppressed chuckles allowed.

Clifton James, Sheriff in James Bond Films, Dies at 96
–– Lived and let die.

Protesters around country call for Trump to release tax returns
–– Audit in the court.

Trump Ally Roger Stone Claims Huma Abedin Collected Damaging Material on the Clintons
–– Was called going to work.

Megyn Kelly Email Reveals Complaints About Bill O'Reilly Before Leaving Fox News
–– Late entry in No Spine Zone.

Panic at NY's Penn Station: 16 injured in stampede over false reports of gunfire
–– Long Island ducks.

Man accused of assaulting woman at election rally says Trump inspired him
–– Ask not who your country can do for you, ask who you can do for your country.

Week of 04/14/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

With major EPA cuts looming, Scott Pruitt wants a 10-person, 24/7 security detail
–– Afraid Toxic Avenger might strike.

Uber lost $2.8 billion last year
–– In seat cushions.

EPA chief Scott Pruitt tells ‘Fox & Friends’ U.S. should exit Paris climate deal
–– And begin calling global warming Freedom Fry.

Carrie Fisher Won’t Appear in ‘Star Wars: Episode IX’
–– She won't take producer's calls.

Delta will pay you up to $10,000 to give up your seat
–– And let you drag flight attendant down aisle.

Jay Pharoah On Getting Fired From ‘SNL’: “They Put People Into Boxes”
–– “Mine was shaped like pyramid.”

Jay Pharoah Disses ‘Saturday Night Live’ After Firing: ‘I’m Not a Yes N—-‘
–– No, you’re a No N——.

Here’s How Much the 'Mother of All Bombs' Costs
–– John Carter had $263mil budget.

‘If I said it, I don't remember': George W. Bush responds to report he said Trump's inauguration was 'some weird s---'
–– Which is some weird s---.

Debate over changing the U.S. Constitution starts in the Texas House
–– Best little whorehouse.

The White House has sent out a survey proposing to eliminate the White House
–– Neutron bombs leave building standing, right?

1,100 strangers showed up at his home for sex. He blames Grindr
–– Meet Grindr.

Aaron Hernandez found not guilty of double murder
–– A defensive end.

Trump White House to keep visitor logs private
–– By embarrassed visitors' request.

Cops fired after videos surface of them punching and kicking motorist
–– AG Sessions sends medals.

Burglary suspect who mailed manifesto to Trump captured
–– And charged with using big words.

Kendrick Lamar's new album sets fire to Internet
–– Internet should set fire to album.

Eli Manning Allegedly Involved in Scheme to Sell Fake Game-worn Memorabilia
–– Big Fraudly Giant.

Rob Manfred Wants Indians to ‘Transition Away From’ Chief Wahoo Logo
–– Should shove up wahoo.

Heidi and Spencer are for real going to be parents
–– Who for real the fuck?

Why I won’t date hot women anymore
–– Menopause just not sexy, bro.

Intelligence Reports Show Susan Rice Didn't Break Law When She Requested Names Of Trump Associates
–– Idiot reports show 90% of Trump voters think she did.

Almost everyone in President Trump's orbit seems to think Stephen Bannon is a goner
–– Oh wait, that’s boner.

New Trump Immigration Order Has Led to the Arrest of Hundreds of Undocumented Immigrants for Minor Crimes
–– Put them to work building wall!

Putin Says Trust With U.S. Deteriorated After Trump Took Office
–– “I was right away checking my warranty.’

Kim Jong Un opens complex of N. Korean high-rise apartments
–– Starting at 5 clots of dirt a month.

Man Dragged Off United Flight Takes Steps Towards Lawsuit
–– Hope execs buckled seat belts.

Vogue Arabia’s Editor-in-Chief Exits After Only Two print Issues
–– Under veiled threats.

Uganda Tries to Commit Critic of President to Mental Institution
–– WH Chief Counsel wants to see if law applies here.

Congressman tells angry constituents the idea that they pay his salary is ‘bullcrap’
–– Has direct deposit from corporate sponsors.

After Campaign Exit, Manafort Borrowed From Businesses With Trump Ties
–– With first born as collateral.

18 Syrian Fighters Allied With U.S. Are Killed in Coalition Airstrike
–– 'Thanks' scrawled on bomb.

John Daly Hits Golf Ball Off Beer Can, Proceeds to Chug Beer
–– For those keeping tabs.

Dolph Lundgren Joins Jason Momoa in 'Aquaman'
–– To add depth.

Carter Page: Washington Post report a joke
–– ‘And yes, I’m the butt.’

Paid CNN pundit calls Trump ‘the Martin Luther King of health care’
–– Has dream patients "will not be judged by the color of their skin rash but by the content of their wallet."

Jeffrey Lord: Why I compared Trump, MLK
–– ‘Brain tumor the size of a grapefruit.’

Trump threatens to stop insurance payments so Democrats negotiate on Obamacare
–– Dead poor people 'fantastic' bargaining chip.

Trump, shocked by Assad, discussed chemical weapons history at Mar-a-Lago
–– Almost couldn't finish Victory Taco Bowl.

Trump’s stunning u-turns on NATO, China, Russia and Syria
–– Causes wimplash in media.

Trump says NATO no longer 'obsolete'
–– This morning.

‘Cross dressers in the building': A Capitol staffer warns when LGBT students visit
–– Congressmen hide beards.

Inside the Battle for Trump’s Ear: Can Bannon Beat Kushner?
–– Kushner claims drum, Bannon Eustachian tube.

Where Trump's White House shake-up should begin
–– Egg beater to Trump's coiffe.

Trump Undercuts Top Adviser Stephen K. Bannon, Whose Job May Be in Danger
–– Bannon: "My middle name is In Danger…spelled, um, with a K."

United Airlines CEO Faults Ejected Passenger for Being 'Disruptive and Belligerent'
–– Will charge for damages face did to arm rest.

“Chaotic” Trump administration could start war with North Korea, warns former MI6 boss
–– And not even know it.

Trump taps lawyer involved with Trump U case for federal job
–– Talk about settling.

Kelly Brook tells host Jason Manford to look at her 'trimmed bush' on The Nightly Show
–– And the tits circling it.

Spicer apologizes for Hitler comparison: 'It was a mistake to do that'
–– ‘That’ being opening mouth.

Chelsea Handler refuses Sean Spicer's apology: 'He can’t possibly be that stupid naturally'
–– Suggests he’s juicing.

White House: Russia, Syrian regime trying to 'confuse' the world over chemical attacks
–– ‘And, boy, are we confused.’

The Latest Test for the White House? Pulling Off Its Easter Egg Roll
–– Spicer has been deep frying rabbit wrapped in dough.

Tillerson arrives in Moscow without game plan from G7
–– Hasn't game plan to get from plane to Kremlin.

United Doubles Down, Continues to Defend Removal of "Belligerent" Passenger
–– Considers name change to Trump Air.

Hollywood Business Manager: I Stole From Alanis Morissette and Other Clients and I'm Sorry
–– They found out.

Hasan Minhaj to Host White House Correspondents' Dinner
–– Couldn’t they find Mexican for job nobody wanted?

Scott Walker Moves To Kill A Century-Old Nature Magazine, And Readers Are Furious
–– Walker: "Hey, I'm disappointed too –– my family's gonna have to start buying toilet paper."

Democratic Senator Calls Syria Strike an Itch to Scratch for President
–– Chemical weapons do cause intense itchiness.

Trump adviser Anthony Scaramucci: Jared Kushner is 'like Alexander Hamilton'
–– Then we need someone like Aaron Burr.

Trump-taxes: President scraps tax plan, timetable threatened
–– Plan for not releasing own taxes secure.

Hospital grants dying man his final wish — a cigarette and a glass of wine while watching the sunset
–– 10,000 krone added to final bill.

US strike wiped out fifth of Assad air force, Mattis says
–– And entire kite collection.

Alabama governor resigns under threat of impeachment over affair with an aide
–– Alabama getaway.

Australian rapper skips dinner bill by swimming off, court told
–– What a dip.

China’s deadly secret: More executions than all other countries put together
–– And MSG.

Bill Cosby's 'Little Bill' books targeted for censorship, library group says
–– After hearing all the tight spots author's 'Little Bill' had gotten into.

Man Stabbed in California Movie Theater Over Seat-Kicking Argument
–– The fate of the furious.

Trump on pace to surpass 8 years of Obama's travel spending in 1 year
–– Could surpass it hundrefold if he'd leave planet.

Trump’s Modeling Agency Shuts Down
–– 'Models' return to Slovenian brothel.

Murder suspect jumps to his death inside courthouse
–– In cost-cutting measure.

US, Mexico, Canada join to launch 2026 World Cup bid
–– Naffter pact.

United Airlines under fire after man is dragged off overbooked flight
–– Skies friendly, runway a bitch.

Passenger dragged off overbooked United flight
–– They did offer him seat on left wing.

Marvel Artist Ardian Syaf Hid Anti-Christian And Jewish Messages In This Week’s X-Men Comic
–– He's ex-man.

Officially fired by Marvel, Indonesian artist Ardian Syaf says, ‘When Jews are offended, there is no mercy’
–– 'Yeah, they will, like, metaphorically slay you if you draw Jehovah.'

The world's most valuable liquor company is now Chinese
–– Your drunk, you couldnt pronounce it anyway.

The World’s Most Valuable Liquor Brand Makes a Drink You’ve Probably Never Heard Of
–– And can only pronounce after six shots of it.

Ford unveils a new hybrid police car for high-speed chases
–– For pursuit of green suspects.

Nikki Haley says 'regime change' in Syria. Rex Tillerson doesn't. What gives?
–– He's Texan, prefers 'necktie party.'

Stephen Baldwin: I haven’t spoken to Alec since the election
–– Of George HW Bush.

Patrick Stewart shared how fostering a pit bull has changed his life, and get ready to cry
–– When it sinks teeth in your leg.

The American flags on the moon are disintegrating
–– Your daily metaphor.

Poland marks anniversary of president's death in plane crash
–– Crash party.

Bill Maher: Republican Motto Has Become ‘What Would a D-ck Do?’
–– D-ck nixin'.

New York State Just Passed a $163 Billion Budget and a Free College Tuition Plan
— Which will hopefully produce economists who can figure out how to pay for it.

Bill Clinton tweets about visiting Bushes in Houston
–– Also visited former parent and first lady.

In Georgia, a Democrat's 'Make Trump Furious' campaign rattles Republicans
–– All's it takes is Twitter feed.

Bat reportedly found in packaged Fresh Express salad mix
–– With guano-flavored seasoning mix.

Trump, Xi showdown fails to materialize at Mar-a-Lago
–– Xi who must be obeyed.

China president's plane stops in Alaska after Trump visit
–– Wanted to bring back Palin for trophy case.

Pope raises own mortality in rallying youth to lead church
–– ‘Join or I kill myself!’

‘The Assignment' Director on Transphobia Accusations and the Script Change Michelle Rodriguez Rejected
–– Having part cut.

A Strike in Syria Restores Our Credibility in the World
–– Thinks a 10-year-old boy.

How China Came to Dominate the Solar Power Industry
–– Republican Congress.

Camera pans to cheese puffs at Spicer briefing
–– Or is it Trump’s head?

Trump grandchildren perform for President Xi
–– Assemble iPhone to make him feel at home.

Tomi Lahren sues Glenn Beck and The Blaze for wrongful termination
–– Canny move.

Scarlett Johansson slams Ivanka Trump
–– In one of those Black Widow headloocks.

KFC promises to ditch antibiotic-laden chicken
–– Cook sick birds only.

Reince Priebus tries to broker peace between Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner
–– Wash, spin, Reince.

Mark Hamill Quips 'Rogue One' Vader Scenes Looks Like Steve Bannon's Home Movies
–– If Vader ditched helmet.

Bannon’s Views Can Be Traced to a Book That Warns, ‘Winter Is Coming’
–– But he never finished George RR Martin.

‘A conniving bloated punk who despises mankind’: Sean Penn trashes former movie biz partner Steve Bannon
–– Poison Penn letter.

Week of 04/07/17

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Kushner hasn't yet detailed foreign contacts for security clearance
–– Not Russian.

Olivia Munn and Aaron Rodgers split
–– Didn't go long.

Gorsuch is confirmed, restoring conservative tilt to high court
–– Tilt as in pinball.

Inside the White House, paranoia and unrest among top staff
–– Those two's jobs are safe.

White House mulling replacements for Reince Priebus, preparing for Steve Bannon exit: report
–– Thumbing through mug shots.

Assad denounces US strike against Syria as ‘foolish’ and ‘reckless’
–– As opposed to his: 'cowardly', 'Satanic'.

Here’s how much it costs to replace the 59 Tomahawk missiles Trump fired on Syria
$70 mil, but what price can you put on killing Syrian children to avenge Syrian children?

Brian Williams tries to get poetic about strike on Syria
–– But rhymes with diphtheria.

U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley Blasts Russia in Emotional Speech After Syrian Chemical Attack
–– Bull Haley and the comments.

Pamela Anderson Opens Up About Her Relationship with Julian Assange: 'Everyone Deserves Love'
–– 'And I make his wicky leak.'

After Ecuador Election Results, What Happens to Julian Assange?
–– Might seek refuge in Pam Anderson's boobs.

Japanese scientists want to be first to drill into the Earth's mantle
–– Must be mantle cases.

600,000 albuterol inhalers recalled
–– Don't hold breath.

Preet Bharara Links Firing to Trump Team’s ‘Helter-Skelter Incompetence’
–– Inspired by Charlie Manson.

Russia Bans a Not-So-Manly Image of Putin
–– From billions of minds worldwide.

‘Flip Or Flop’ Hosts Feuding With ‘Vintage Flip’ Hosts?
–– Who flippin’ cares?

Man dies attempting Voodoo Doughnuts eating challenge
–– Buried in hole.

A maid dangling from a high-rise window begged for help. Her boss filmed her instead
–– Said she didn't do windows.

China is Now More Popular than Trump among Americans, Polls Indicate
–– In takeaway.

Trump and Xi Jinping have a surprising amount in common
–– Authoritarian leanings, lack of command of English, desire to jail journalists.

How Trump is squandering his power with China and Egypt
–– In latest slang for spilling seed.

Is Ann Coulter Dating Jimmie ‘Dyn-o-mite’ Walker? Norman Lear Says Yes
–– Dino might.

South Carolina Toddler Has the Best Response When Cashier Asks Why She Wants a Black Doll: 'It Was a Proud Moment,' Says Mom
–– ‘Barbie can’t clean her own house.’

Bethenny Frankel: 'I Don’t Need a Man For Anything - Even Sex'
–– Men: ‘Phew!’

Texas governor proposes jailing officials in sanctuary cities
–– "'N' stringin' up them thar ill-egals."

Steve Bannon reportedly threatened to quit in response to removal from Trump's National Security Council
–– Can’t he just hold breath until he’s reinstated?

Steve Bannon Calls Jared Kushner a ‘Cuck’ and ‘Globalist’ Behind His Back
–– 'Cuck' sucker.

In Battle for Trump’s Heart and Mind, It’s Bannon vs. Kushner
–– They deserve one nut apiece.

Indian police trying to identify girl found in forest living with monkeys
–– Calls self Mi Jain.

Senators lament killing the filibuster but do it anyway
–– Feel same about self-respect.

O’Reilly’s top advertiser -- a gold company -- is staying
–– Will extend golden showers.

Twitter sues government to stop unmasking of anti-Trump account
–– Tweet thins.

Trump on Syria's Assad: 'Something should happen'
–– ‘Ask the President!’

Disney seeks patent for a 'humanoid robot' that can play a character
–– Isn't Chris Evans already trademarked?

Don Rickles, legendary insult comic, dead at 90
–– “The black guy in the front row just said, ‘He was still alive?’”

Jimmy Kimmel Chokes Up In Emotional Goodbye To Don Rickles
–– The hockey puck!

Penn Jillette: Don Rickles was the kindest man on earth
–– Penn Jillette needs new friends.

House intel chairman stepping aside from House Russia investigation
–– Promises to burn copy of Russia House.

Nunes is out of the Russia probe, and the Susan Rice spin collapses
–– Like white on Rice.

Woman falls off California's highest bridge while taking selfie
–– High? Deaf?

Dolan Acknowledges Confronting Knicks Fan Outside the Garden
–– No MSG added.

Films Like ‘The Boss Baby’ Can Be Painful for Adoptees and Foster Kids
–– And Charles Dickens will just blow there little minds.

Schwarzenegger accuses Trump of 'robbing (children) blind'
–– And killing their guide dogs.

Secret Service agent on VP's detail caught after meeting with prostitute at Maryland hotel
–– At least he didn't eat alone with her.

Undocumented husband of Indiana Trump supporter deported to Mexico
–– Maybe that was her plan.

Senator Jeff Merkley Spoke All Night Against Gorsuch Nomination (but It Wasn’t a Filibuster)
–– Save your breath.

Trump Adviser Carter Page Reportedly Passed Documents To Russian Spy
–– Carted page for days.

Trump Asked ‘Lots of Questions’ on Air Force One, General Says
–– ‘I repeated bathroom was in rear 10 to 15 times.’

A Public Restroom Fit for Brooke Astor Gets an Upgrade
–– It’s for dead people?

Jordan Klepper of ‘The Daily Show’ Is Getting His Own Show
–– Because somebody misses smarm meister Craig Killborn?

Muslim Babies Likely to Outnumber Others by 2035, Report Says
–– Thanks, God!

Trump Calls Toxic Attack in Syria ‘an Affront to Humanity’
–– ‘That’s what humanity told me, not always sure what it's thinking.’

Trump defends Bill O'Reilly: 'I don't think Bill did anything wrong'
–– ‘Babes could’ve been hotter, but…’

Trump: 'I now have responsibility' when it comes to Syria
–– Bannon just told me.

Rory McIlroy Says He’d ‘Think Twice’ Before Golfing Again With Donald Trump
–– Doesn't want to be identified with Tee Party.

Trump approval rating drops
–– Good news: won’t hurt as much when hits bottom.

GOP rep.: I'm ashamed of our government
–– Red-faced state.

In reversal, Bannon removed from National Security Council role
–– Can get into war without him.

Stanley McChrystal: Save PBS. It Makes Us Safer.
–– From scary monsters under bed.

Is hatred for the President disrupting the nation?
–– Or uniting sane part of it?

Ivanka Trump On Being Dad’s Assistant To The President: “I Hope To Make A Positive Impact”
–– ‘And keep Dad off the interns.’

Ivanka Trump Secretly Met With Planned Parenthood. But It Hasn't Changed Anything
–– How about no more little Kushners?

JPMorgan CEO Dimon says in annual letter that there's 'something wrong' with the US
–– ‘And we’re proud to have contributed.’

Donald Trump Still Doesn’t Understand the Unemployment Rate
–– Won't until he's fired.

The Latest: Ferguson re-elects Knowles as mayor
–– Beyoncé talks formation of government.

Shia LaBeouf's 'Man Down' Likely to End U.K. Run With Just 3 Tickets Sold
–– Now 3 men down.

Netflix Officially Kills Star Ratings, Replacing It With Thumbs
–– Critics find opposable.

Nationwide marches planned to demand Trump tax returns
–– Single file.

Krispy Kreme owner buys Panera for $7.5 billion
–– Carb loading.

Nivea pulls 'white is purity' ad after outcry
–– Need to clean out their ears.

National Organization for Women Calls for Bill O'Reilly to be Fired
–– NOW!

Why Sir Ian McKellen Turned Down The Chance To Play Dumbledore In Harry Potter
–– Hogwarts and all.

Bernie Sanders Says Trump Voters Not ‘Deplorables,’ Hillary Clinton to Blame for Election Loss
–– Has 2020 vision.

Cocaine Smuggler Pretends to Be Delta Airlines Pilot: Authorities
–– After doing some air lines.

McCain slams Trump’s Syria policy as a ‘disgraceful chapter in American history’
–– Trump: 'I'll narrate audiobook.'

O’Reilly Sexual Harassment Furor Intensifies for Fox News
–– Wasn’t Ailes sexual harassment Führer?

Tesla is worth more than Ford -- and GM is in sight
–– Investors Musk be joking.

Rex Tillerson's incredibly odd and confusing statement on North Korea
–– Rex havoc.

May isn't the first female leader to bare her head in Saudi Arabia
–– And hold onto it.

Ivanka Trump: 'I don't know what it means to be complicit'
–– Aiding and abetting ignorance.

Kendall Jenner's Pepsi ad sparks backlash
–– Viewers dyspepsic.

Why Madonna is drinking in the Pepsi controversy
–– She's Coke addict.

Roman Polanski’s Request to Have Sexual Abuse Case Resolved Is Denied
–– Forget it, Roman, it’s Chinatown.

Doris Day's Mayonnaise-Free Potato Salad Recipe
–– Been sitting in sun since 1965.

Dubai’s sky turns black after another skyscraper bursts into flames
–– Emiratis slathering buildings in sunblock.

College student dies after choking at pancake-eating contest
–– Mourners hang crepe.

Is Trump Russia’s Useful Idiot, or Has He Been Irreparably Compromised?
–– With idiots like that who needs enemies?

‘Our Dishonest President’: L.A. Times editorial eviscerates Trump
–– Finds sawdust inside.

Trump campaign advisor Carter Page targeted by Russian spies
–– Mentally soft target.

How Republicans are working to revive the health care bill
–– Voodoo.

Trump is donating his paycheck to the National Park Service
–– With string attached.

Melania Trump gets glamorous new official portrait
–– Most swiped on slavconnection.com.

Trump Shifts Course on Egypt, Praising Its Authoritarian Leader
–– Thugs and kisses.

Nunes on critics: 'I don't really listen to what anyone says'
–– You really didn’t have to tell us.

Hollywood’s Revenge of the Old White Male
–– Yeah, has to take town back from female and minority execs.

Hatch: 'Nuclear option' looks necessary to approve Gorsuch
–– Tactical nuke aimed at DNC HQ.

Jared Kushner travels to Iraq
–– If only there was travel ban on smug lumps.

At 95, Doris Day Gets As Much Tabloid Ink As the Kardashians
–– Written with quill, but still…

Jessica Chastain Reveals How Tom Cruise Saved 'Zero Dark Thirty'
–– Waterboarded reluctant investor.

Bill O'Reilly Renews Fox News Contract Despite Recent Controversy
–– Guarantees two harassments, six sexts, and option for indecent exposure.

Stranger than fiction: How forbidden book was smuggled out of N. Korea
–– Up the Pyongyang.

The sin that's not welcome in Sin City
–– Squealing.

Amid White House Tumult, Pence Offers Trump a Steady Hand
–– In lap.

Russia condemns US over 'absurd' response to Mosul civilian deaths
–– “Should celebrate like we do in Syria!”

Tina Fey to white women who voted for Trump: 'You can't look away'
–– That’s how car crashes are.

NY Times Reports 21st Century Fox & Bill O’Reilly Paid Combined $13M To Settle Harassment Claims; Host Says He’s “Target”
–– In a bull’s eye.

Seeking Kurdish support, Turkey’s Erdogan calls himself ‘guardian of peace’
–– Sends ransom note.

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