Headbangers 12/16
Headbangers 11/16
Headbangers 10/16
Headbangers 09/16
Headbangers 08/16
Headbangers 07/16
Headbangers 06/16
Headbangers 05/16
Headbangers 04/16
Headbangers 03/16
Headbangers 02/16
Headbangers 01/16
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 12/30/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump wishes Happy New Year to 'my many enemies'
–– Servers fail worldwide trying to deliver billions of tweets.

Can Donald Trump Hire Ivanka Trump?
–– He’d love to fill her slot.

Cop Went to Hooters to ‘Decompress’ After Killing Teen Girl
–– Albuquerque cop wouldn't have been so tense if she hadn't been white.

Sylvester Stallone, Quincy Jones to Attend Trump’s New Year’s Eve Party
–– Guess which one's serving.

Nation's First Known Intersex Birth Certificate Issued in NYC
–– Printed on both sides of paper.

Garbage Trucks Will Help Protect New York for New Year’s Eve
–– Filled with I'm With Her placards, buttons, bumper stickers.

Mark Zuckerberg says he’s no longer an atheist, believes ‘religion is very important’
–– 'And essential business asset.'

See who's in Trump's inaugural parade
–– Goose-stepping a prerequiste.

9 last-minute Obama moves to stymie Trump's agenda
–– 8. Appear in public, remind world U.S. not always this crazy.

Edward Snowden says U.S. intelligence probably knows that Russia hacked the DNC, but won’t tell
–– Eddie should 'hack' CNN on TV –– they've been saying it for months.

Oliver Stone Warns of ‘Group-Think’ in Accepting Russian Hacking Claims
–– Apparently Putin financing next pic.

Army warns of new threat: Energy drinks
–– Red Scare Bull, RaqqaStar, Fallujah Throttle.

Anthony Bourdain slams ‘privileged’ liberals for ‘utter contempt’ of working class
–– Should they warm to xenophobia, racism or sheer ignorance?

The FBI just released a comprehensive list of the outlandish secret code names used by Russian hackers
–– PutieNBlowfish, HillyBear, Trumprunner, GOPDon'tCare, BackdoorBill.

‘Iggy Pop Life Class,’ With Guess Who as the Model
–– Pop art?

Chicago reveals the meaning of '25 or 6 to 4'
–– 'La-la-la la la la la' made too much sense.

Parents claim Hatchimals swear in their sleep
–– Those are kids pissed off with bogus gift.

How The Electoral College Saves Us From The Mob Rule Of Democracy
–– In latest slang for ‘majority.’

Donald Trump Claims Sprint to Create Previously Announced Jobs 'Because of Me'
–– Claims credit for new grill man at food truck across from Trump Tower.

Nancy Pelosi scolds GOP colleagues for attempting “massive power grab”
–– They already achieved that, sweetheart.

Vladimir Putin Won’t Expel U.S. Diplomats as Russian Foreign Minister Urged
–– Housewarming gift for Trump.

Kellyanne Conway: President Obama is trying to “box in” Donald Trump with Russia sanctions
–– Would be 'tragic’ to keep lovers apart.

Russian Embassy Responds to Obama’s Hacking Sanctions with a Very Trumpian ‘Lame Duck’ Tweet
–– They're sharing trolls.

GOP congressman: Russia did ‘what the media should have done’ by leaking emails
–– Sounds treasonable.

If Donald Trump Targets Journalists, Thank Obama
–– Would never had done it without bad influence.

Soprano Won't Sing For Trump, Quits Mormon Tabernacle Choir
–– Her husbands 'disappointed.'

A place more restricted than North Korea?
–– Oprah Winfrey's dressing room.

How Russia and Turkey brokered peace in Syria — and sidelined the US
–– Who wouldn't sign in blood…of rebels.

85-Year-Old Marathoner Is So Fast That Even Scientists Marvel
–– Hits on all babes in retirement home.

How China Built ‘iPhone City’ With Billions in Perks for Apple’s Partner
–– FoxConn job.

Charles Manson Follower Seeks Parole 47 Years After Killings
–– Hold her, scold her.

Red Solo Cup Inventor Robert Hulseman Dies at Age 84
–– There will be open stacked coffins with plenty of ice.

Trump, Dismissive of Hacking, Says Americans Should ‘Get on With Our Lives’
–– Don’t mind the tiny, hairless tyrant behind the curtain.

Russian athletic officials admit 'institutional' doping program for first time
–– ‘Doping Program’ also code name of hacking operation to elect Trump.

Donald Trump, After Dismissing Hacking, Agrees to an Intelligence Briefing
–– From Baby Einstein.

Trump writing own 'short' inaugural speech
–– John F. Kennedy rolls over in grave…laughing.

Reclusive Marvel CEO Ike Perlmutter Photographed in Public at Trump Event
–– Invisible Man Meets Incredible Bulk.

How did this driver hit 236 consecutive green lights?
–– And 3 cats, 8, rats, 2 bicycle deliverymen, a texting boho and yo mama?

China: We will be on Mars by the end of 2020
–– 'We' being selected dissidents.

China Announces Its Largest-Ever Seizure Of Trafficked Pangolin Scales
–– At back door of avant garde fashion designer.

Philippines president claims he dropped kidnapper from helicopter
–– And kinda aimed for prison cell below.

‘The Grand Tour’s’ Richard Hammond Sparks Controversy With ‘Ice Cream Is Gay’ Remark
–– Not just tutti frutti?

Report: Powerful labor union plans massive budget cuts in wake of Donald Trump victory
–– Working class supporters already winning!

Trump takes credit for '$1 trillion' holiday shopping boom — but Americans haven't spent close to that yet
–– Not even on booze?

Lindsey Graham: 99 senators reject Trump's line on Russia scandal
–– ‘And, ironically, those folks are all 1%’s!’

Trump ally wishes Mad Cow disease death for Obama
–– Carl Paladino suffering from foot-in-mouth disease.

Trump ally Carl Paladino: I was ‘emotional’ when I wished Obama dead and insulted the first lady
–– On rag.

Online Petition Calls for Paladino's Removal From Buffalo School Board
–– They could trade to AL’s Birmingham District for draft picks.

Obama’s exit interview: I could've won again
–– Sort of like Hillary did.

TRUMP: I'm 'doing my best to disregard the many inflammatory' statements from Obama
–– Winner: Week’s best quip.

President Obama Beats President-Elect Trump in Gallup's Annual Most Admired Man Poll
–– Trump denounces voter fraud.

Barack Obama says he was “wildly pretentious” in his college years and women found him “too intense”
–– Just like young Trump: dressed in navy blue suit, red power tie, drinking Tab, dodging draft and always quoting Norman Vincent Peale.

‘You cannot eat here': Hawaii café riles residents with ban on Trump voters
–– Tougher punishment: feed them only poi.

Rick Perry, as Energy Secretary, May Be Pressed to Resume Nuclear Tests
–– Perry: ‘Should be easy to test A Bomb, but what happens after we blow the only one up?’

Relax: Your Amazon Echo Isn’t Recording Everything You Say
–– But only because you’re a bore.

Women may have been fertilized with 'wrong sperm'
–– Shipwrecked semen.

Knicks President Phil Jackson and Lakers President Jeanie Buss End Engagement
–– Buss stops.

Berlin Attraction Reveals an Uneasy Phenomenon: Hitler Sells
–– As did U.S. election.

John Kerry, in a Final, Pointed Plea, Will Outline a Vision of Mideast Peace
–– And request recount in his 2004 presidential race.

Amazon holiday sales: Enough TVs to dwarf Mt. Everest
–– Or, as Nepalese call peak: Bullshit.

‘Nazi-chic’: Why dressing up in Nazi uniforms isn't as controversial in Asia
–– And why Chinese don’t mind yellow-skinned, buck-toothed calicatures speaking rike dis.

‘Suplex’ in Chinese? Professional Wrestling Tries a Big New Market
–– ‘Suprex’?

Critics Blamed for Chinese Films' Disappointing Box Office
–– Ex-, formerly free, critics.

Star Wars' Carrie Fisher Dead at 60
–– Leia to rest.

Cinnabon Deletes Carrie Fisher Tweet After User Outrage
–– At least they didn’t draw her Star Wars' character with cinnamon roll braids and praise her for ‘best buns in the galaxy’…wait, they did?!

Carrie Fisher's Books Become Best-Sellers After Her Death
–– Realized too late she didn't really need Harrison Ford affair anecdote.

Carrie Fisher Put Pen and Voice in Service of ‘Bipolar Pride’
–– Sci-fi fans think it refers to icy planet Hoth.

Debbie Reynolds, Wholesome Ingénue in 1950s Films, Dies at 84
–– Proves sinkable, unlike Molly Brown.

Did Debbie Reynolds Die of a Broken Heart?
–– Or really really fluky coincedence?

Suspicious bag at Trump Tower
–– Ivana?

Airline to use Tasers for unruly passengers
–– And those who request second bag of nuts.

Imprisoned Blagojevich awaits Obama decision on commutation
–– Blagosphere atwitter.

What does "Hotel California" really mean? (And other questions for Don Henley)
–– You can never check out.

‘Why Is Trump So Militantly Against An Investigation Into Putin's Meddling In Our Elections?'
–– Winner: Stupidest question of 2016.

Jerry Seinfeld's Kids Are All Grown Up in Family Holiday Card
–– And wrestling bare-chested in Festivus version.

Leah Remini challenges Church of Scientology to sue her over alleged lies
–– Anything to promote her A&E series.

Trump thinks a mustache disqualifies you from office. So do a lot of voters.
–– How about all those married Republicans with beards?

Megyn Kelly says Hillary Clinton was too 'scared' to come on her Fox News show
–– Afraid stupid might rub off on her.

Jackie Evancho's music sales boom after announcing inauguration performance
–– Amongst consumers trying to play mpegs on 8-tracks.

Trump Adopting Same Behavior He Criticized Clinton For
–– But…but that would be hypocriticable!

The market rally has nothing to do with Trump’s victory, analyst says
–– Then he would never ever take credit for it.

Pita Taufatofua: Topless Tongan taekwondo star switches to snow
–– From horse.

NYPD suspends cop who allegedly posted Snapchat of handcuffed family
–– Thought family that's cuffed together's chuffed together.

‘Abandoned’ in New Jersey, Chris Christie Returns to a Changed Landscape
–– One might say ‘beached.’

Saudi Royal Family Is Still Spending in an Age of Austerity
–– Crown Prince: "What? We are supposed to be saving for rainy day? Hah hah hah!"

Twitter isn't enough: Trump should face a press conference
–– Media needs lies in paragraph form.

Donald Trump to Close His Charitable Foundation
–– In first real act of philanthropy.

North Korea 'racing ahead' on nuclear plan, defector says
–– Lemming can see cliff's edge.

India tests nuclear-capable ICBM
–– Nicknamed the Reincarnator.

Duped by fake news story, Pakistani minister threatens nuclear war with Israel
–– And vows vengence on Hillary Clinton who reportedly killed and ate his family.

Fights break out at malls across United States
–– It’s Blackeye Monday!

The Problem With Trump’s Admiration of General Patton
–– Based entirely on watching George C. Scott movie on TV in 1972.

Clinton touts popular-vote count in thank you message to supporters
–– Frankly would have preferred Amazon gift certificates.

Man Attacked by ‘Jerk’ Cat While Enthusiastically Opening His Christmas Present
–– Made jerk cat for dinner.

A pregnant restaurant server gets a $900 tip
–– Wishes she'd rejected tip 8 months ago.

Tom Arnold Says "Watergate Level Journalists" Are Looking into Supposed Trump-'Apprentice' Tapes
–– "Freud Level Psychiatrists" looking into his story.

Her body is slowly growing a second skeleton
–– Boning up for exam.

Bob Dylan, Sony Music Twitter Accounts Hacked, Falsely Tweet Death of Britney Spears
–– Dis Spears?

Wielding Claims of ‘Fake News,’ Conservatives Take Aim at Mainstream Media
–– So fake news of fake news that’s not really fake news.

In a North Carolina Town, Terrorism Abroad Raises Apprehension
–– Another jerkwater no self-respecting lunatic jihadi would bomb.

India begins building world's tallest statue at cost of $530 mn
–– 276 million poor can’t wait to see it.

After Democratic sit-in, Ryan wants to end grandstanding with fines, ethics violations
–– Switchings, light waterboarding.

Kim Jong-un bans Christmas, makes North Korea worship grandma
–– Who did have little round belly, white beard.

RNC’s 'new king' Christmas message ignites furor over whether it compared Trump to Jesus
–– Explain their only job is to support Der Furor.

Obama administration ending program once used to track mostly Arab and Muslim men
–– Trump will replace with bloodhounds.

U.S. inequality keeps getting uglier
–– Now has Trump’s face on it.

Germany evacuates 50,000 people on Christmas to defuse massive bomb
–– Collateral Beauty opening.

Israel summons US ambassador as Netanyahu lashes out at Obama
–– Bibi guns.

Kerry’s Blunt Words for Israel Denounced by Lawmakers in Both Parties
–– Two state solution: confusion and fear.

Troy Ave in Stable Condition After Being Shot in Brooklyn
–– Definition of street crime.

3 out of 5 Americans are idiots, Duterte says reacting to US' threats of blocking aid to Philippines
–– But only 1-in-4 eligible voters chose Trump.

Trump spokesman Jason Miller not taking White House job
–– The oxy wore off.

‘Howard Stern Show' personality Joey Boots dies at 49
–– With his on.

Week of 12/23/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump, fist raised, wishes all a Merry Christmas
–– And suggests you warm lube.

The extinction crisis is far worse than you think
–– But Furbys, Pikachus thriving.

Barbie battles Star Wars and Hatchimals at the register
–– In Polyurethane Cage Death Match.

People Magazine Investigates: How the ‘Grim Sleeper’ Serial Killer Got His Nickname
–– From girlfriend who couldn't bear snoring.

Toddler in soiled diaper found surrounded by pack of dogs in Victorville park
–– In preview of day care in Trump years.

Rand Paul zings Trump administration in annual Festivus rant: “Haven’t seen this many billionaires in 1 place since I staked out Bilderbergs w/ Alex Jones”
'Tryin' to find me a rich feller fer courtin'.'

Brad Pitt Slams Angelina Jolie for Revealing Details About Their Kids: She ‘Has No Self-Regulating Mechanism’
–– 'At least I've got weed to chill out.'

Ebola vaccine gives 100% protection, study finds
–– And is recommended by doctors who use Ebola vaccine.

Trump Says U.S. Would ‘Outmatch’ Rivals in a New Nuclear Arms Race
Will establish outmatch.com to find like-minded blowhards.

Trump calls for apparent U.S. nuclear buildup
–– Or not. Whatever.

In 2007, Trump said he doesn't believe in hiring people who are smarter than himself
–– Finally: consistency!

Ho-ho-holdup: Santa hands out candy canes at a bank - and robs it
–– After using one to stick up guard.

Legendary 'Star Wars' composer John Williams says he's never seen any of the movies
–– Proving his taste extends beyond music.

Alec Baldwin Calls Trump "Most Reviled Candidate" in U.S. History
–– Trump: 'Yeah, I have no reviles: my business sense is unreviled, my temperament is unreviled!'

Trump receives 'very nice' Christmas letter from Putin
–– Was reply to his Dear Santa thank you note.

McCain: 'I'm So Blown Away' That Some Dems Want a 3rd Hillary Run
–– She should be blown away.

Hillary Clinton Officially Wins Popular Vote by Nearly 2.9 Million
–– Merry Christmas!

Manslaughter Charges for Atlanta Lawyer Who Says He Shot Wife Accidentally Because He Was Afraid of Carjacking
–– Thought the old cow was brandishing a tire iron.

Op-Ed: Dear President-elect Trump—Don't listen to the 'ignorant voices' on climate change
–– Of everyone you picked for your administration.

Putin news conference: Relations with US 'can't be worse'
–– Well, you chose him.

Ikea tells customers: Stop having sleepovers in our stores
–– We can't guarantee safety of beds or dressers or end tables or meatballs.

Trump’s vineyard is hiring -- foreign workers
–– Talk about sour grapes.

Lorena Bobbitt Is Done Being Your Punchline
–– Tell a joke and she’ll cut you off.

Bill O’Reilly says ‘the left wants power taken away from the white establishment’
–– Turning off juice to Fox would suffice.

Putin cracks down on moonshine amid poisoning crisis
–– Supports intentional poisoning only.

Saddam Hussein's daughter: Trump has 'political sensibility'
–– ‘And Don Jr. and Eric are spitting images of Uday and Qusay.’

Ivanka Trump, children harassed on JetBlue flight
–– Prompting calls for Air Forces Three through Five for Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric (Tiffany can fly Coach.)

Transition Team’s Request on Gender Equality Rattles State Dept.
–– Plan to change 'Women' to 'Little Girls' on bathroom doors further unsettles.

Kellyanne Conway, ‘Trump Whisperer,’ Will Be Counselor to President
–– Or ‘Horse’s Ass Whisperer.’

Man gets $75 after being wrongly imprisoned for 31 years
–– And hand-printed apology note signed by Governor!

North Carolina legislature fails to repeal 'bathroom bill'
–– So-called Constipation Proclamation.

Trump appoints his business attorney to manage international negotiations
–– Prepared for America's first bankruptcy.

Carl Icahn's refinery shares soar after Trump taps him to slash regulations
–– Icahn joins I con.

U.S. manufacturing job openings at 2007 levels
–– At same salaries!

Gingrich: Trump dropping 'drain the swamp'
–– Replace with 'drain the lizard.'

James Taylor Cancels Concert in Philippines, Citing Bloody Antidrug Campaign
–– Afraid he might still have some shit in luggage.

Christina Grimmie's family files wrongful death lawsuit
–– Against Grimmie reaper.

Banks told to give back 'unfair' mortgage payments
–– Which could put them out of business.

Drugs, prostitutes used to bribe NY pension fund manager
–– He wasn't retiring sort.

Apple AirPods review: Do they actually stay in your ears?
–– And effectively dewax?

Unsealed Documents Outline F.B.I.’s Reasoning in Clinton Case
–– Summary: ’Screw her.’

Lena Dunham Faces Backlash for Saying She Wishes She’d Had an Abortion
–– Not too late to ask Santa.

NYPD names pot of gold theft suspect
–– A wee fellow named Blarney Shillelagh O’Shea.

What’s the Right Will Smith Movie for You? Here’s a Streaming Guide to All 27
–– #28.

This Pesticide Is prohibited in Britain. Why Is It Still Being Exported?
–– It’s so bloody polite.

Vladimir Putin vows to avenge Russian ambassador's murder, says 'killers will feel it'
–– As he flashed ‘it.’

How do other countries elect presidents without an electoral college? Pretty easily.
–– The question is how we do with.

Cramer chronicles the decline of department stores, and how Nordstrom is 'cannibalizing itself'
–– Why mannequins are missing limbs.

Trump clueless on how to run a superpower, says Chinese media outlet
–– Even the blind, state-run squirrel finds a nut sometimes.

Why The Republicans Don't Have An Obamacare Replacement Plan
–– Because they prefer uninsured were dead.

Obama: ‘This is going to be a browner country’
–– After several years of being bluer.

The 'sauce' that revived Olive Garden
–– ‘Jizz.’

Prince William and Prince Harry replace Queen Elizabeth II in rugby roles
–– The old girl ‘too grabby’ in scrums.

Dems press for Tillerson's tax returns
–– Would have to frack him to extract it.

Watch the Most Painfully Awkward Interview of 2016: 7 Minutes With Jerry Lewis
–– More awkward than 70-year career?

Trump adviser: 'The U.S. has lost its prestige'
–– ‘Since we elected this asshole.’

Jeb Bush: Scott Pruitt is ready to turn around the EPA
–– And march it directly into toxic dump.

Half of American workers aren't using all their vacation days
–– So Trump WH will see they get half as many.

Biggest threats to the Trump market rally
–– 1. Reality.

Trump adds yet another billionaire to his team
–– With yet another blue collar sewn by bespoke tailor.

Trump and Chinese Leader Could Make ‘Combustible’ Mix
–– And Chinese love fireworks.

Killer Cries ‘Don’t Forget Syria!’ Before Being Gunned Down
–– Attempted to add, 'My twitter handle is…'

What’s the Matter With North Carolina?
–– Asked the reanimated abolitionist frozen in 1865.

What drugs were the Nazis on, anyway?
–– Axiscodone.

McCain: Russian election-related hacks threaten to 'destroy democracy'
–– Trump: ‘I got this.’

New GOP resistance in push to create Senate committee on Russia
–– McConnell: 'Hasn't Putin suffered enough? I mean, the innuendo!'

Trump: Electoral College is genius
–– Kind of like he’s genius.

Shep Smith On ‘Late Show’: Donald Trump Brought Us All To His Tower To Worship At His Feet
–– Which Shep likes to do with men for free.

How long will Donald Trump's Russian honeymoon last?
–– As long as Vlad wants to keep it in.

Philippines’ President Duterte fires officials for corruption after admitting killing 3 men
–– Before breakfast.

‘Straight-out war’ on federal bureaucracy, Gingrich urges Trump
–– 'Scorched earth' for disadvantaged it serves.

Shul ties: Ivanka and Jared's big move has D.C.'s Jews buzzing
–– What are WASps doing?

CeeLo Green Says He's "Alive and Well" After Cellphone Explosion Video Surfaces
–– Cell low.

Trump Inauguration: Rockettes Dancer "Embarrassed" and "Disappointed" to Perform, Union Rules Out Boycott
–– Kicks it up a notch.

Celine Dion has Declined to Perform at Donald Trump's Inauguration
–– Trump: 'Yeah, so what, big deal –– my heart will go on.'

David Foster Declines to Participate in Donald Trump's Inauguration
–– Trump: 'What, the guy who wrote Oh! Susanna? I thought that loser was dead. Can't give away his CDs.'

The Beach Boys Asked to Perform at Donald Trump’s Inauguration: ‘No Decision Has Been Made,’ Says Band Rep
–– Trump: 'The only Good Vibrations Brian Wilson gets are from electro-shock therapy. I wouldn't play Pet Sounds for my hamster. Sgt. Pepper way better!'

Trump Claims ‘A-List Celebrities’ Want Tickets to Inauguration: Hollywood Reacts
–– 'Yeah, I mean celebrities on a list.'

Dow flirts with 20,000
–– The whore.

Nintendo's stock is down 11% since Super Mario Run came out
–– Gamers are so homophobic.

Trump May Stay at His Hotel, Not Blair House, Before Inauguration
–– Which will save on tax payer-funded fumigation bill when he leaves.

Sylvester Stallone Suggests He Would Decline Trump Arts Role
–– Wouldn't support Rambo Coalition.

Trump’s Electoral College Victory Ranks 46th in 58 Elections
–– Unless you factor in last 240 years of voter fraud.

Fired for flying Confederate flag, Georgia officer sues
–– Should be behind stars and bars.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, Actress Famous for Her Glamour (and Her Marriages), Dies at 99
–– Grim Reaper is no. 10.

Hollywood Reacts to Zsa Zsa Gabor's Death
–– Can you hear a yawn?

A&E Imbeds With KKK for New Documentary Series
–– KKK provides sheets.

At least 8 die after drinking bath lotion in Russia
–– Was Christmas gift from Putin.

The Queen and Prince Charles Pose Together in Stunning New Photograph
–– He’s holding cattle prod.

How Trump said no to job-seeking loyalists like Giuliani and Christie
–– With smirk and joy-buzzer handshake.

Maryland church ordered to evict homeless or pay $12,000 fine
–– Directed to return to mission of making parishioners rich.

Denver PD Defends Officers Who Confiscated Blankets From Homeless
–– Vagrants had wrap sheet.

President Obama Criticizes Media Coverage of Election in Final Press Conference of 2016
–– Easing transition to Trump press conferences.

Robert Durst: ‘I Was On Meth’ While Taping ‘The Jinx’
–– More like The Junx.

McCain: This is 'unraveling of post-WII peace'
–– WII? So, Nintendo console?

Lynch says reaction to Bill Clinton meeting was 'painful'
–– ‘He really squeezed.’

’Jeopardy!’ contestant who died before show aired keeps win streak going
–– Win streak being relative term.

‘Jeopardy!’ contestant who died before show aired keeps win streak going
–– What is ghoulish, Alex?

Heimlich maneuver inventor Henry Heimlich dies at 96
–– Family choked up.

Week of 12/16/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Officials: Master Spy Vladimir Putin Now Directly Linked to US Hacking
–– He cagey be.

Separated twins leave hospital
–– Heads to rehab.

Clinton Says ‘Personal Beef’ by Putin Led to Hacking Attacks
–– 'Bitch reminding me too much of Mrs. Putin number 1.'

Obama all but names Putin as behind hacking, told him to 'cut it out'
–– In best Jack Benny voice.

Russian hacking activity continues unabated
–– Blame mischievous little 'kremlins.'

Pentagon demands China return US underwater drone
–– Or will hold breath until blue.

Coast Guard seizes 26.5 tons of cocaine
–– Talk about crime on high seas.

China drone seizure throws down gauntlet to Obama and Trump
Inauguration Day fireworks could include nuclear strike.

Scott Baio files police report accusing rocker's wife of battery over Trump support
Pussy grabbed, whipped.

Trump paid $12.5 million to his own businesses during race
–– Lists as charitable donation on tax return.

Eel fights octopus and snorkeler in exciting video smackdown
–– Billed as Quarrel in the Coral.

Jeffrey Loria will reportedly sell the Marlins for $1.7 billion
–– If he can hook sucker.

China is no longer the biggest foreign holder of U.S. debt
Trump will work to give Russia that honor.

Monica Crowley, latest addition to Trump’s national security team, believes in fighting Islam ‘the way we fought the Nazis’
–– In Hollywood movies.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio says President Obama's birth certificate is fake
Trying to get hired by new Administration.

Is Donald Trump a Threat to Democracy?
––– Not sure, but Democracy filed restraining order.

Childish Gambino wore nothing but glitter pants during ‘The Tonight Show’ performance
–– Sounds infantile.

Coal baron to Trump: 'Temper' your coal job promises
–– Miners deserve lump in Christmas stockings.

Thanks, but no thanks: Inmate rejects Obama's clemency offer
–– Doesn’t want to leave cellmate’s behind.

Former NFL RB Jamal Anderson Avoids Arrest After Exposing Penis at Gas Station
–– Was leaded.

Phil Mudd: I'm disgusted by Trump, White House
–– Mudd slinging.

Disney Exec Reveals Why There Are No Lightsabers in 'Rogue One' Advertising
–– But can't explain why anyone would possibly care.

Trump Picks Goldman Sachs President Gary Cohn to Be Economic Adviser
–– Goldman sacks is Trump's nickname for his scrotum.

Michelle Obama: 'We are feeling what not having hope feels like'
–– 'We' does not include 1%.

Python found in South Dade with its mouth sewn shut. Could it be Vodou?
–– Or crude reptilian weight-loss surgery?

House conservatives want Trump to undo regulations on climate, FDA, Uber
–– And debtor's prisons.

Trump Didn’t Invite Twitter to Tech CEO Meeting Because Company Refused ‘Crooked Hillary’ Emoji
–– Trump already has one: the pussy.

‘Affluenza’ teen's dad convicted of pretending to be officer
–– Falsely assigned to protect phony victims of imaginary epidemic.

How might Nixon’s ‘madman theory’ apply to Trump?
–– Hand in glove?

German leader ‘insults’ Saudi Arabia by refusing to wear hijab
–– Miffed she was born with ovaries, too.

Cooper threatens to sue over North Carolina GOP 'power grab'
–– 'They’re like Trump meeting a hot babe for the first time.’

US drillers pumped like crazy last week, and that's a 'major concern' for OPEC
–– Who are tired of American porn.

The man who called for Dow 20,000 six years ago now sees this ahead
–– Nostradumbass.

Jimmy Kimmel Paid $15,000 to Host the 2017 Oscars
–– That should be $7,500 per laugh –– not bad.

Bristol Palin Is Pregnant With Her Third Child
–– More free ads for Planned Parenthood.

Corpus Christi to residents: Don't drink the water
–– Tastes like Corpus Krusty.

Stephen Bannon studied Nazi propaganda. What does that mean for the country?
–– Triumph of the swill.

Trump Grill Could be the Worst Restaurant in America
–– Make America Regurgitate Again.

Trump freaks out on Graydon Carter after bad restaurant review
–– Makes short-fingered vulgarian gesture.

Donald Trump Attacks Vanity Fair: ‘Way Down, Big Trouble, Dead’
–– VF: ‘Right back atcha.’

Viral story of boy who died in Santa's arms unravels
–– Showed laps of judgment.

86-year-old jewel thief busted again
–– Tried passing Kidney Stone.

Trump Treasury pick Steven Mnuchin has a 'widow foreclosure' problem
–– Wanted to kick orphans out, angry they were too young to lend to.

Judge refuses to cancel or limit Trump deposition
–– The sooner he’s deposed, the better.

Yahoo Says 1 Billion User Accounts Were Hacked
–– Expect 'Yoo-hoo' from scammers.

Military report: Trump pick Michael Flynn shared classified intel
–– His intel classified 'bat-shit'.

Janet Yellen to Donald Trump: I'm not going anywhere
–– Not Fed up?

Ivanka Trump could be the most powerful first lady ever
–– And most lusted-after by President.

Sources: Ivanka Trump to have East Wing office
–– Sharing Jack and Jill bathroom with Oval Office.

Airline pilots anonymously report suicidal thoughts, study finds
–– While flying over Cleveland.

Mackenzie Phillips Returning for 'One Day at a Time' Reboot
–– Needs another hit.

Taran Killam to Make Broadway Debut in 'Hamilton'
–– Don’t worry, he’s the bad guy.

Michael Flynn quietly deletes fake news tweet about Hillary Clinton's involvement in sex crimes
–– He did let out one last victory whoop.

Did Donald Trump need an apology from Mitt Romney?
–– Perp walk through Trump Tower, humiliating dinner at Jean-Georges, dangling Secretary of State might’ve been enough.

White males dominate Trump's top cabinet posts
–– At least they have average age over 60 so expect fresh ideas.

Bernie Sanders blasts Donald Trump's "Cabinet of billionaires"
–– But they're looking out for the little guy…they can crush.

US says 75% of ISIS fighters killed
–– And Iraqi army will give no quarter.

Democrats: Agency says Trump must sell stake in Washington hotel
–– ‘Of course I’ll sell steak –– my meat is fantastic.’

Oliver Stone: '"Snowden' Was One of the Hardest Things I've Done"
–– Tough on viewers, too.

Where The Bows In Holiday Car Commercials Come From
–– The 50-Foot Woman Big-and-Tall Maternity Shop.

Men to sue over drug that made them grow breasts
–– Chests didn’t swell with pride.

Arctic heating up at twice as fast as rest of globe
–– According to Chinese hoaxers.

Philippines President Duterte admits killing suspects
–– To unwind.

Huge mysterious UFO disc-shaped object captured crossing moon's surface was alien spaceship, say ET hunters
–– Thanks, Fox News, and what’s opinion in psych ward?

Bernard Kerik: What's More Dangerous — DNC Hack or Criminality It Exposed?
–– What does the convicted felon think, pray tell?

President Barack Obama: Donald Trump Will Be 'Flying Blind' Without Briefings
–– Already out of touch, turning deaf ear, failing smell test, tasteless.

Could Ben Carson Be Just What the Doctor Ordered for HUD?
–– If his name is Kervorkian.

Bill Gates says Trump has the opportunity to be like JFK
–– In Dallas motorcade.

Kanye West Might Perform at Donald Trump’s Inauguration, but Garth Brooks Won’t
–– Further evidence he’s lost his mind.

John Legend was Very “Disappointed” About Kanye West’s Meeting With Donald Trump
–– In latest slang for projectile vomited.

Trump: Rex Tillerson is a ‘world-class player’
–– ‘Like Kanye or one of those other rappers.’

Lady Gaga Agrees to Interview With Piers Morgan After He Questions Her PTSD and Rape
–– She’ll question his WTF and rage.

Alan Thicke, the Dad on the Sitcom 'Growing Pains,' Dies at 69
–– Wreath maker lays it on Thicke.

Lisa Edelstein implies Alan Thicke died to avoid Trump
–– If he goes to Hell it won’t be for long.

Katrina Pierson seeking role in Trump administration
–– Bannon already grabbed Court Jester slot.

Rick Perry, Ex-Governor of Texas, Is Trump’s Pick as Energy Secretary
–– Will wear departmental ID bracelet to remember its name.

Trump Team Asking for Energy Department Staff Who Worked on Climate Change, Document Shows
–– Will sweat them out.

White wine raises melanoma risk, study says
–– So never leave wine cellar.

Weird, gross and unexpected things that happen when you run
–– You might elect Trump.

Rex Tillerson’s Company, Exxon, Has Billions at Stake Over Russia Sanctions
–– Cuts out middle man.

‘We are failing the elephants'
–– ‘They test poorly.’

With SantaPhone, elves call kids asking for wish lists
–– And parents’ credit card numbers.

Fukushima radiation reaches United States shores for first time
–– Seafood arrives pre-cooked.

Trump Says He Doesn't Need Daily Intelligence Briefings That Say 'Same Thing' Every Day
–– ‘My intelligence is already brief enough.’

Pamela Anderson calls for 'hero' Julian Assange to be released and protected
–– Silicone finally reached brain.

Trump: US doesn't 'have to be bound' by 'one China' policy
–– But should be gagged.

Beijing 'seriously concerned' after Trump questions 'one China' policy
–– He needs to be seriously concerned with 'yuan China' policy.

State-run Chinese newspaper: Trump 'as ignorant as a child'
–– ‘The female kind we used to encourage be drowned.’

Trump: 'Nobody really knows' if climate change is real
–– ‘I asked God –– he came in to audition for Secretary of State –– and even he wasn’t sure.’

Bob Dole's role in Trump's Taiwan call
–– 93-year-old told him not to be scared of Mao.

Bob Dole Was Paid $140K to Set Up Phone Call Between Trump and Taiwan’s President
–– Which buys a lot of Depends.

He snags lobsters for a living. He violated the law and was jailed, cops say
–– For snogging them.

Workers at endangered Indiana plant feel forgotten by Trump
–– It’s more than a feelin’.

Ryan stops short of call for Russia probe
–– Claims to prefer American-made butt plug.

Malkin Slams Clinton: Calling for 'Fake News' Laws is 'Hutzpah on Stilts'
–– Also title of Isaac Bashevis Singer short story.

GOP introduces plan to massively cut Social Security
–– Red State retirees demand revote so they can give GOP even bigger majority.

Reince Priebus: 'RNC Was Not Hacked'
–– Was already full of hacks.

Venezuelan president called a 'Grinch' after government toy seizure
–– Turned green with envy.

Trump says he's turning away 'billions' but has 'the right' to do business deals
–– Granted by self –– it's good to be King!

Christie turned down offers to join Trump administration
–– Turned down in the sense of begged for.

Patti Smith stands in for no-show Bob Dylan at Nobel ceremony
–– Sacheen Littlefeather busy.

Dogs Smell Grandma’s Scent, Set Off On Quest To Find Her
–– You can smell her from here.

Russian Hackers Acted to Aid Trump in Election, U.S. Says
–– In remake of WarGames.

Bombshell Secret CIA Report Says Russia Aimed To Steal White House For Trump
–– All they needed was 60 million idiots for nefarious plot to succeed.

Trump & Boeing: It's not about Air Force One, it's about China
–– No, it's really about ego.

Trump on 'lock her up' chant: 'Now we don't care'
–– 'That there was never slightest basis to do so.'

Week of 12/09/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Michael Flynn once claimed Arabic signs on southern border guide 'radicalized Muslims' into US
–– Swore he saw fatwa on Wendy's drive-thru menu.

As Trump skips intel briefings, questions intensify
–– Not his.

53 organizations to Trump: Dump Flynn as national security adviser
–– Error Flynn.

Crowd Cheers as Trump Suggests 'Time' Honor Should Be "Man of the Year"
–– "'Outstanding' women should appear in Juggs Magazine."

Trump: No Cabinet post for Rudy Giuliani
–– Will be kept on leash lashed to White House gate.

Conway: Giuliani’s Withdrawal from Consideration a ‘Mutual Decision'
–– In latest slang for restraining order.

‘Office Christmas Party’ Star T.J. Miller Arrested in Hollywood
–– Promo tour gets real.

Madonna Repeatedly Slams Donald Trump, Says She's "Ashamed to be an American" at Miami Fundraiser
–– Amazed she can still feel shame.

Madonna Says She's Ready to "Make a Stand and Speak My Mind" After Hillary Clinton Loss
–– Construct a soapbox and go screech in Washington Square Park.

Petraeus on His Mishandling of Classified Information: 'I Made a Serious Mistake'
–– 'Not Hillary-sized, but still a boo-boo.'

Gen. David Petraeus on Whether He Voted for Trump: 'I Don't Vote'
–– Like any patriot.

Paula Broadwell breaks her silence 5 years after the Petraeus affair
–– 'He votes! That bastard votes and votes and votes!'

NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Wants Feds to Pay $35 Million for Trump Tower Security
–– And $14 mil to treat New Yorkers' rageaholism.

House Republicans Make $7 Million Available for Security at Trump Tower
–– Invoking Insult to Injury rule.

After chiding the ‘elite,’ Team Trump adds another multimillionaire
–– You’re not ‘elite’ if you’re incredibly wealthy and dumb.

Goldman Sachs is responsible for a massive chunk of the 'Trump rally'
–– Chunk that looks like it came from dog’s intestine.

Goldman Sachs CEO: Trump Not a Dangerous President
–– ‘He can go nuke North Korea for all I care –– didja see our share price?’

Who knew? Modi's black money move kept a closely guarded secret
–– A la Modi.

France’s Le Pen pledges no schooling for illegal migrants
–– Because uneducated, unemployed, bitter Islamists good for security.

Trump ‘originals’ say they're getting frozen out
–– Cold cocks.

Arkansas court upholds gay marriage birth certificate law
–– Though human and beast routinely listed as legal parents.

Company Has No Gay Clients, Sues Not to Serve Them Anyway
–– And anybody who ‘walks kinda funny.’

Sanders: Trump Is a ‘Pathological Liar’
–– Oooo, feel the Bern!

With one foot out the door, Chris Christie just doomed countless prisoners to torture
–– Proving he hasn't forgotten his legacy.

Trevor Noah counts the ways the Electoral College is a bizarre, anti-democratic aberration
–– 1. 2016.

Socialite Known for Extensive Plastic Surgery Arrested for Allegedly Clawing Boyfriend’s Face
–– So it’d look more like hers.

7 Penguins Dead at Calgary Zoo Due to Drowning
–– Couldn’t face another Alberta winter.

Obama authorizes larger raise for federal employees
–– Preemptive combat pay for having to serve under Trump.

Lewandowski: Trump has already accomplished more than ‘Obama has done in the last 4 years’
–– ‘To destroy the Presidency.’

Meet the woman ready to take on Philippines' hardman Duterte on his own turf
–– In politics or porn?

Witness: Condemned Alabama man coughed, heaved during execution
–– Onlookers feared for his health.

Police: UPS driver helps free captive woman
–– From bubble wrap.

Wrecks of sunken warships disappear from ocean floor
–– Flying Dutchman blamed.

Knife-wielding teen shot at school
–– In chop class.

Carrier to ultimately cut some of jobs Trump saved
–– On the bright side: robots hired in record numbers.

Coca-Cola CEO stepping down
–– It's the real thing.

Donald Trump's SBA nominee gave $7M to support him
–– He quids her pro quo.

Spy chief opens up about MI6, James Bond
–– One of the two is ficitonal.

Donald Trump to Remain Executive Producer on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’
–– Hopes to find replacement for Tiffany.

‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Press Conference: Schwarzenegger Defends Trump’s Producer Role, Mark Burnett Ducks Questions
–– Takes a rocket launcher, tactical nuclear device.

Conway on Trump 'Apprentice' role: He'll do it in his spare time
–– Making America Great Again a 'ceremonial job'.

‘Fast Times,’ ‘Beverly Hills Cop’ Star Judge Reinhold Arrested at Dallas Airport
–– Whatever it takes to get mentioned.

People got upset about Mall of America having a black Santa
–– I'm dreaming of a white supremacist Christmas.

Adam Driver Confirms Terry Gilliam’s ‘The Man Who Killed Don Quixote’ Is Still Delayed
–– OK, Terry, Don is dead, you can stop now.

Robert Reich to Trump: Stop acting 'thin-skinned and vindictive'
–– Or 'stop breathing.'

Listen to Ted Cruz’s bizarre 40-second monologue about the wonders of queso
–– Bizarre? There is no cheesier man in America.

Donald Trump tweet-insults Carrier union official by name, blames unions for offshoring
–– Trump carrier of vindictive virus.

Tom Hardy Says He’ll Get a Leonardo DiCaprio Tattoo After Losing a Bet
–– As J. Edgar Hoover in dress.

Leonardo DiCaprio Meets With Trump to Discuss Green Jobs
–– Trump sneers he’ll get DiCaprio tattoo on left nut.

Trump picks wrestling magnate Linda McMahon to lead Small Business Administration
–– Wasn’t tough to pin down.

Megyn Kelly Has "High Hopes" for Trump: "Despite the Tweets, There Is Much to Admire"
–– The "High" sounds like amyl nitrate.

North Carolina boy, 9, accuses Santa of fat-shaming — ‘Lay off the hamburgers and French fries’ 
–– ‘Or, if you’d prefer, you can be my understudy.’

Tina Fey Ponders Her Future in Hollywood: "What Is My Role Once Nobody Wants to Grab Me by the Pussy Anymore?"
–– Cougar?

Trump appoints Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt as head of Environmental Protection Agency
–– More fucks in the hen house.

Trump staffer leading N.J. Christmas parade? Humbug, some say
–– Kellyanne Conway is portraying Scrooge.

Pollster: Christie approval worst we've seen in 20 years
–– Was Adolph Eichmann governor in the 90s?

Climate change could render Sudan 'uninhabitable'
–– If war, famine don’t do it.

Ohio’s 'heartbeat' abortion bill awaits Gov. Kasich's signature
–– Would be fetal flaw.

Sickened students suspect marijuana-laced gummy bears
–– Yabba-doobie-do.

Donald Trump says he sold all his stocks in June
–– 5% higher today. Sad.

SeaWorld Entertainment cuts jobs in wake of attendance drop
–– Feeds ex-employees to Shamu.

How to Know What Donald Trump Really Cares About: Look at What He’s Insulting
–– Our intelligence.

Sorry, Mr. Trump, but the only way to get to 3% growth is to hire more Mexicans
–– To cook books.

North Carolina Gov. McCrory concedes he lost re-election bid
–– First acknowledgement of reality in four years.

Sioux chief asks protesters to disband, Trump to review pipeline decision
–– So Sioux me.

10 Jobs That May Actually Boom in President Donald Trump's America
–– 8. Special prosecutors.

Trump, Brexit and European populism are not all the same thing
–– But stupid is stupid is stupid.

Trump could bring a different kind of diversity to the Supreme Court
–– Haven’t had an avowed Nazi before.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian Are Reportedly Living Apart
–– He was last seen on Mars.

Dad Sentenced to Life in Prison Without Parole for Leaving Toddler Son to Die in Hot Car
–– Without AC.

Trump wants to cancel Air Force One order from Boeing
–– And save American jobs.

Angela Merkel calls for full veil ban in Germany
–– Sieg veil!

‘Transformers: The Last Knight' — Watch the First Trailer
–– Make me!

PewDiePie Pulls In $15 Million, Again Topping List of Highest-Paid YouTube Stars
–– I wanna PukeDiePie.

Joe Biden leaves the door open for a 2020 run
–– Service entrance of nursing home he’ll be residing in.

N.Y. Times Nabs Over 200,000 New Digital-Only Subscriptions Since Election Day, CEO Says
–– Sound like Trumped-up numbers.

Trump Adviser Has Pushed Clinton Conspiracy Theories
–– It was his job, failing New York Times!

Van Williams, TV's Green Hornet, Dies at 82
–– O death, where is thy sting?

Pelosi: 'I Don't Think That People Want a New Direction'
–– 'They still adore *NSYNCH.'

Vice President-Elect Defends Trump's Unsubstantiated Claim of 'Millions' of Illegal Votes
–– Suggests Roc for new national symbol.

The Hunt for Hatchimals, the Elusive Toy of the Holiday Season
–– Dr. Palmer DDS, Trump's pick to head U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, considers breed for endangered species list.

A Gunman Has Been Detained At A DC Pizza Restaurant That Was At The Center Of A Fake Clinton Conspiracy
–– Eats humble pie.

Amazon opens a grocery store with no checkout line
–– And really fresh piranha fillets, anaconda steaks.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz to Step Down
–– Trouble brewing?

Andrew Garfield on Acting: "I Know I'm Never Going to Be Able to Quit"
–– “No matter how often you ask.”

Hawaii may get heavy snow
–– In year Hell froze over.

Bob Dylan Writes Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech, Patti Smith to Sing
–– Mr. Toad will deliver in Swedish.

Lady Gaga Reveals She Suffers from PTSD: "I've Never Told Anyone That Before"
–– “And there’s a spot near my perineum I haven't posted pics of yet.’

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner plan move to DC
–– Last census showed undercount for scumbags.

Florida man made Pulse-style massacre threats against church that welcomes ‘sick homosexuals’
–– Repulse more like it.

Trump taps Carson for HUD
–– Wakes him from deep sleep.

Carson reportedly said he wasn’t ready, but Trump picked him for HUD
–– He isn’t even prepared to watch Hud.

Italy’s Renzi to resign after conceding defeat in constitutional referendum
–– Si no evil.

Fake US embassy in Ghana shut down after a decade
–– After Trump promises Omarosa fake ambassadorship.

Castro’s ashes interred
–– Miamians want them in turd.

Mexico Is Hiding The World’s Largest Pyramid
–– Under huge sombrero.

Putin says Trump clever, will understand new responsibilities
–– Clever is how you compliment a crook: so high praise.

Philippines vice president quits cabinet, citing plot to 'steal' job
–– And ‘life.’

North Korea: Kim Jong-un's wife reappears in public after long mysterious absence
–– A mystery she wouldn’t want to be seen with him?

Sarah Palin Says Trump's Carrier Deal Could Be 'Crony Capitalism'
–– Which she thinks means old lady's business.

What We Know About the Trump Foundation Gift to Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi's Fundraisers
–– A bribe.

Hollywood Reacts With Disgust, Outrage Over 'Last Tango in Paris' Director's Resurfaced Rape Scene Confession
–– No buttering up truth.

Trump now considering more than four for secretary of state, Conway says
–– Looking high and really really low.

Donald Trump bashes 'SNL' on Twitter after sketch about him tweeting too much
–– Later tweets irony is ‘sad’, ‘for losers’.

Austrian election: Far-Right candidate Norbert Hofer says he has lost the vote 
–– Nazis threaten to emigrate to America.

Alice Drummond, Character Actress and Broadway Star, Dies at 88
–– Drummond out of corps.

Megyn Kelly Responds to Reports She Might Leave Fox News: ‘Don’t Believe A Thing’
–– ‘I say.’

Luke Bryan hits concert-goer
–– Shit hits fan (pace Kenneth Tynan.)

Former US ambassador: Trump 'winging it' with Taiwan call
–– He's the Improvident.

Pence Says Trump's Taiwan Call Just a Courtesy, Not Necessarily a Shift in China Policy
–– 'Politeness is probably his greatest strength, right after his temperament.'

CDC Calls for More Needle Exchanges To Prevent Another Indiana Tragedy
–– AIDS patients were on Pence and needles.

Week of 12/02/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump risks showdown with China after call with Taiwan
–– Thinks One China is name of President Xi's jet.

Chicago tops 700 homicides for the year
–– 1974: 'We had 970, so BFD.'

Peng Chang-kuei, Chef Behind General Tso’s Chicken, Dies at 98
–– Reason for Trump's call to Taiwan's President Tsai was to offer condolences and say 'it's nearly as good as Popeye's.'

Paul Ryan: I’ve Talked With Donald Trump ‘Extensively’ About The Constitution
–– 'We've discused a number of 18th-Century warships.'

Couple rewrites 'Baby It's Cold Outside' to emphasize importance of consent
–– And wussiness of millennials.

Trump’s Lies Aren’t Lies Because ‘There’s No Such Thing’ As Facts Anymore, His Surrogate Says
–– Reality last seen boarding plane to New Zealand.

The post-truth world of the Trump administration is scarier than you think
–– Word.

Seth MacFarlane Explains Why So Many Hollywood Stars Hate Trump
–– They graduated 6th grade.

CNN Apologizes to Trump After Crew Caught Joking About His Plane Crashing
–– Sorry it was joke.

ABC Entertainment Chief: Network Hasn't Paid Enough Attention to "True Realities" of America
–– The abject stupidity.

Democrats want Russian hacking intelligence declassified
–– Claims 'news source' in Belarus.

Amazon Won’t Move Forward With ‘Good Girls Revolt’
–– And they renewed Hand of God.

Andrew Sachs, ‘Fawlty Towers’ Actor, Dies at 86
–– Manuel transmission.

Trump Reaches Out to Central Asia, Looking For a Back Door to Russia
–– Why not just ask Putin directly if he can Greek him?

Indonesia blasphemy protest swells to crowd of 200,000
–– Java jive.

Doctor won’t be seeing patients after calling Michelle Obama ‘monkey face’
–– Sentenced to white blood cell.

Tom Ford Says He Declined to Dress Melania Trump ‘Years Ago’: ‘She’s Not Necessarily My Image’
–– 'I gave up my Slavic Escort Collection years ago.'

Oncology Nurse Diagnosed with Cancer Writes Apology Letter to Patients: ‘I’m Sorry, I Didn’t Get It’
–– Does she have it or not?

Man accused of killing ex-NFL player Joe McKnight released from custody
–– McKnight's corpse charged with DWB.

Meet Bette Nash: She might just be the world's oldest serving flight attendant
–– Served Lindbergh salted nuts.

Christmas float catches fire after 'Grinch' flicks cigarette
–– In rare act of kindness.

Trump's Defense pick has ties to Theranos
–– Where he already failed blood test.

Russian spacecraft fails after launch
–– Same problem Putin experiences.

Unemployment drops to 4.6%, lowest since 2007
–– President's party rewarded with landslide win and…aw, shit.

Carrier Will Receive $7 Million in Tax Breaks to Keep Jobs in Indiana
–– United Technologies 'cool with that.'

Donald Trump Kicks Off "Thank You Tour," Slams "Dishonest Press"
–– "Fuck you" never far from "thank you" with him.

Protesters outside Trump's first thank you rally: 'I will not stand for you'
–– 'But I'd dance on your grave.'

Trump-Inspired Dating Site Gets Post-Election Membership Boost
–– orangeyouspecial.com.

Rosie O'Donnell Apologizes to Melania Trump for Autism Comments
–– Meant to say husband had Tourette’s.

Second Alibaba Pictures Executive Arrested
–– Leaving 38 thieves.

Jeff Sessions fought as Alabama attorney general to keep an LGBT conference from meeting on a public campus
–– Terrified of Pink Tide.

Hollywood Walk of Fame Stars in Disrepair as Honorees Cry Foul: "It's Troubling"
–– Feel like they've been "stepped all over".

Former NBC boss Grant Tinker, who brought 'Mary Tyler Moore Show' to TV, dies at 90
–– Tinker bails.

Italian Monastery Seeks Salvation in Beer After Devastating Quake
–– At fraternity parties.

Charlie Hebdo, a Lightning Rod in France, Hits German Newsstands
–– Like Wine Spectator going on sale in Riyadh.

ELIZABETH WARREN: Trump's Treasury secretary was the 'Forrest Gump of the financial crisis'
–– If Forrest Gump foreclosed on 36,000 families.

Loretta Lynn Reveals She Tried Marijuana for the First Time at 84: ‘It Hit Me Right in the Chest!’
–– ‘That pink elephant I coulda' sworn I saw.’

Sandy Hook truther invites slain principal’s daughter on radio show
–– To tell her mother shot self to make NRA look bad.

Model Natalia Castellar Was Bullied Over Her Thick Eyebrows: It Was ‘Difficult for Me to Embrace Myself’
–– ‘Eyebrows got in way.’

The 'dysfunctional family' known as OPEC could make oil prices crater even more
–– Like a barrel of monkeys.

Olive Oil Trade Group Sues Dr. Oz After He Calls a Majority of Supermarket Olive Oil 'Fake'
–– But oiliness, fraud his specialties.

Donald Trump reportedly praises Pakistan's 'terrific' PM
–– 'I like your AM, too. Your morning is fantastic!'

Donald Trump Tells Pakistan He Will Do Whatever It Wants
–– ‘I’ll order extra kebabs from your pushcart, take a long cab ride … anything.’

What the sex robots will teach us
–– We won't miss paying for dinner.

Sanders: Trump's tweets delusional, insane
–– Or 'typical'.

N.C. Governor Loses Re-Election Bid, Attempts to Hold Power by Claiming Voter Fraud
–– Critics tell McCrory to accept new position as men’s room gender inspector.

Carrier: Trump gave us state 'incentives' to save jobs
–– Latest slang for bribes.

Creator of McDonald's Big Mac dies at 98
–– Embalmed with special sauce.

Giant arch slides over Chernobyl site to block radiation for a century
–– Like enormous panty shield.

House GOP leader on flag burning: 'We’ll protect our First Amendment’
–– ‘While torching domestic budget.'

Fitness Star Kelsey Wells Shows That Even She Gets Belly Bloat
–– Feel better, fatso?

Trump: Ohio State attacker ‘should not have been in our country’
–– Will deport all potential felons using Minority Report tech.

Nancy Pelosi re-elected as House Democratic leader
–– Embracing assisted suicide.

President Obama: ‘Michelle will never run for office’
–– She really is too smart.

The 'alt-right' splinters as supporters and critics agree it was white supremacy all along
–– Unsurprising whitewash.

4 People, Including A Baby, Have Died In A Jail Run By Potential Trump Nominee Sheriff David Clarke
–– Who was burnishing résumé.

Mariah Carey Says She Eats Only Two Foods: ‘Norwegian Salmon and Capers Every Day’
–– Gargles with Summer’s Eve.

The longest cat fence in the U.S. was just built on a Hawaiian volcano
–– Trump hires architect for border wall.

Trump’s Son-in-Law Thought New Jersey ‘Bridgegate’ Traffic Mayhem for Political Revenge Was ‘Kind of Badass’
–– ‘And really dumbass –– so Christie.'

German Spy Agency Finds It Hired an Islamic Extremist Mole
–– ISISpected as much.

Donald Trump meets with Dan Quayle at Trump Tower
–– Will he drop like hot potatoe?

A Malaysian Political Cartoonist on Facing His Fears, and Prison, for Art
–– No joke.

Indian Cinemas Must Play the National Anthem, Supreme Court Rules
–– But can be disco version accompanied by elaborate dance number.

Saudi prince: It's time for women to drive
–– Men crazy…ba-rump-bump.

Eyeing the Trump Voter, ‘Fight for $15’ Widens Its Focus
–– Trump voter: 'But then how're the rich folks gonna have enough to trickle down to us?'

How Stable Are Democracies? ‘Warning Signs Are Flashing Red’
–– Just passed last one as we careen off cliff.

How the U.S. Could Kill the Corporate Tax
–– Elect an unstable billionaire who picks amoral one-percenters to his Cabinet?

Canadian cops to punish drunk drivers with Nickelback tunes
––Chief: 'Who says we're so polite, eh?'

Inside Trump and Romney's Jean Georges dinner
–– Mitt warned to cover his pussy.

North Korea 'continues to invest' in Nazi-style prison camps
–– Hottest real estate in country.

Austria’s Far Right Sees a Prize Within Reach: The Presidency
–– Heil be damned.

Flint family says Navy is retaliating for speaking out about water crisis
–– Whatever floats their boat.

Trump to tap billionaire Wilbur Ross for Commerce secretary
–– Second most famous pig named Wilbur.

What Castro funeral RSVPs say about the world
–– No one expects great food.

Kellyanne Conway: Donald Trump’s intelligence briefings are coming from “a number of sources”
–– Still tallying voices in his head.

Trump picks Elaine Chao for transportation secretary
–– Chao down.

David Hamilton, Photographer Known for Nude Images of Girls, Dies at 83
–– Ped crossing.

Trump: Burn the flag, go to jail
–– Burn the Constitution, go to hell.

Panelist: Give Donald Trump 'his medication'
–– From bottle on top shelf with skull and crossbones on label.

‘Westworld’ actor meets and kisses crush
–– Ex Machina’s Ava.

Darrell Issa Narrowly Wins Re-election in California
–– See, it can always get worse.

David Petraeus shared classified info. Now can he be secretary of state?
–– Sure, he doesn’t have vagina.

Broadway Box Office: ‘Hamilton’ Explodes Past $3 Million in a Record Thanksgiving Week
–– Trumpist boycott working!

Fritz Weaver Dies; Patrician Star Of Stage And Screen Was 90
–– Leave it to Weaver.

Coco Austin and Ice T Mourn the Death of Their Beloved Bulldog Spartacus: ‘He Was My First Baby’
–– ‘From when I dated Snoop Dogg.’

Trump’s populism is about to face a rude awakening
–– No way, it’s brain dead.

Delta Air Lines Bans Trump Supporter for Disrupting Flight
–– Offers him seat in engine well.

MGM Sues 'Buckaroo Banzai' Writer and Director Over Right to Make New TV Series
–– Court rules it 'laughable' to refer to material as 'intellectual property.'

Chess grandmaster, 20, dies in parkour balcony fall
–– Grandmaster smash.

Australia’s How Ridiculous Group Breaks Record with 593-Foot Shot off Dam
–– Nothing but nuts.

Japan’s 'Space World' apologizes for freezing 5,000 fish in skating rink
–– For ill-conceived Finding Dory ice ballet.

Russian Holocaust ice-skating routine slammed as 'unbelievably tasteless'
–– May not be included in 2017 Disney on Ice.

Dylann Roof represents self in Charleston murder trial
–– Self and core Trump demo.

CAIR: California mosques receive letters calling for genocide
–– Trump celebrations intensify.

‘This is not the New Orleans way,' mayor says of deadly shootout
–– 'We prefer Dixieland with our murder.'

Trump falsely claims 'millions of people who voted illegally' cost him popular vote
–– 'Millions of people who voted illogically' won him electoral college.

Donald Trump Slams CNN Over His Voter Fraud Claim
–– 'Lying liars lying about my lie. Sad.'

Donald Trump Transition Team Gives No Evidence of Voter Fraud This Year
–– Critics suggest brain scan.

Your Dog Remembers More Than You Think
–– And won’t forgive Trump vote.

India’s Modi Holds to 50-Day Pledge as Cash Chaos Intensifies
–– No rupee cushion.

KKK to mark Trump win with parade in N.C.
–– Klueless Klucks Klan.

Tom Hanks Found Clint Eastwood ‘Intimidating as Hell’ and Says He ‘Treats His Actors Like Horses’
–– Has spur marks to prove it.

Republicans Expose Themselves As Deficit Frauds
–– And hung like mice.

Trump douses White House hopes of Cruz, Rubio and others
–– As he pisses all over presidency.

Ron Glass, Emmy-Nominated Actor Known for ‘Barney Miller’ and ‘Firefly,’ Dies at 71
–– Glass emptied.

One in custody after devices put in 3 Albuquerque Starbucks
–– Keurig Coffee Makers.

Donald Trump blasts recount as 'ridiculous' and 'a scam'
–– Or perfectly appropriate to election.

Infant ejected from car is found alive in storm drain
–– Tot henchman was guarding baby James Bond.

Fidel Castro, Cuba's longtime revolutionary leader, dies at 90
–– To be buried in humidor.

What Castro's death means for US-Cuba ties
–– 1/100th what Trump means.

Fidel Castro’s Sister, an Outspoken Critic, Takes No Joy in His Death
–– Did toast with Cuba Libre.

O Canada: Trudeau's Castro tribute raises eyebrows
–– This Justin.

Canadian officials say recently discovered object is not a lost bomb
–– Just another Trudeau speech.

Trump Tower turns into 'Dump Tower' on Google Maps
–– Honoring truth in advertising law.

Trump adviser warns him not to pick Romney for Secretary of State
–– He’s ‘dangerously sane.’

Conway: Trump backers feel 'betrayed' by Romney consideration
–– Dim Conway.

Trump ally: Romney a 'self-serving egomaniac'
–– Too.

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