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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
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Week of 11/25/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Tower Retailers Face Dark Days During Holiday Shopping Season
–– O the humanity!

Thanksgiving Kicks Off Holiday Shopping Season
–– Xmas spirit already kicked off.

GOP Lawmaker Who Sexted Teen Boy Says He's 'Not Gay' In Bizarre Interview
–– The boy: 'It's hotter that way.'

Jill Stein raises $4.6 million to request recounts in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania
–– Which is four times more than entire campaign cost.

Watch Jill Stein Explain Why She's Pushing for a Recount
–– Shares empty social calendar.

Man Arrested on Animal Cruelty Charges After Riding Horse From South Carolina to Florida
–– They were in back of astro turf-lined pickup truck.

Calf bones help in search for 1620 Plymouth settlement
–– So Pilgrims ate calves at first Thanksgiving?

EU Votes Against Turkey's Membership Talks Amid Concerns Over Press Freedom
–– Won’t talk Turkey.

How Sheryl Crow Helped Birth a Burt Bacharach Anthem for Autistic Children
–– Song on spectrum.

Isabelle Huppert Says Michael Cimino "Never Got Over" 'Heaven's Gate'
–– Me neither.

Barry Williams, Greg on ‘The Brady Bunch,’ Remembers Florence Henderson: ‘Motherly in the Hottest Way’
–– Offered to breast feed entire cast.

Florence Henderson: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Her Early Career
–– 4. Starred in lesbian porno The Brady Munch.

Miss Piggy Catches Tony Bennett’s Fall During Thanksgiving Day Parade
–– Kermit tripped rival.

Hungry Venezuelans Flee in Boats to Escape Economic Collapse
–– Looking for cheese and Caracas.

U.S. Kills Off Social Media Voices of ISIS, One at a Time
–– Friending fire.

Dylann Roof competent to stand trial, judge rules
–– Hits Roof.

Harsh Obama critic McFarland to join Trump administration
–– KT did.

Trump fools the New York Times on climate change
–– Fakes out hole in ozone layer bigly.

Paul Ryan is determined to gut Medicare. This time he might succeed
–– Wants to perform full gastrectomy.

Sharon Osbourne Reflects on Ozzy’s Past Substance Abuse — and What Took Her ’25 Years to Actually Realize’
–– That was a picture of his brain on drugs.

Elizabeth Gilbert Shares What She’s Thankful For After a ‘Rough’ Year
–– Over-sharing really takes it out of you.

For some in middle class, Trump plan would mean tax increase
–– Will target morons that voted for him.

Facebook Said to Create Censorship Tool to Get Back Into China
–– Zuckerberg promises to let Xi poke him, without condom.

China orders Xinjiang residents to surrender passports to police
–– Can keep Facebook profile.

U2 'Dragonlady' pilots spy on ISIS from the edge of space
–– Searching for Terry, Pirates.

Hillary Clinton's Popular Vote Lead Over Donald Trump Now Exceeds 1.5 Million Votes
–– Just in case your flashbacks stopped.

Clinton’s lead in the popular vote surpasses 2 million
–– We’re removing all sharp objects for your own safety.

Stranded humpback whale in New York is euthanized
–– Requested it after seeing Hillary vote total.

Trump then and now: How the President-elect has changed since his election
–– Lo those 15 days gone by.

New cutting-edge $4B Navy destroyer malfunctions in Panama Canal
–– Budget destroyer.

Trump Foundation admits to violating ban on ‘self-dealing.’ new filing to IRS shows
–– In latest slang for circle jerk.

Trump’s grandfather 'kicked out of Germany for avoiding military service'
–– Establishing proud tradition of military service.

South African pastor sprays insecticide on congregants 'to heal them'
–– But can't kill bugs in head.

Trump picks South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley to be US ambassador to UN
–– Seeks Nikki menage.

Ivanka Trump's company: 'Our mission is not political'
–– ‘Just like my dad’s.’

More Than 15,000 Lawyers Sign Letter Opposing Steve Bannon’s Appointment
–– Want ban on.

Donald Trump Basically Says Conflicts Of Interest Aren’t Illegal If The President Has Them
–– Adds, 'It's Good to Be the King' as he gropes female assisitant.

Donald Trump Elector In Montana Under Fire For Saying Hang Gays ‘Where They Can Be Seen’
–– Hang him where he can't.

Gary Busey talks about acting, Donald Trump and greased pigs
–– All of these things are just like others.

Did Reince Priebus Just Get Caught Lying To Donald Trump?
–– Instead of about?

FBI Closes Review of Brad Pitt Airplane Incident
–– Director Comey will raise possibility of new abuse evidence on eve of couple’s divorce hearing.

Exxon Mobil Accuses the Rockefellers of a Climate Conspiracy
–– Their Standard complaint.

Trump uses un-canceled meeting with New York Times to complain about the Times
–– And how ink gets on fingers when he does crossword.

Michael Flynn in August: Islamism a 'vicious cancer' in body of all Muslims that 'has to be excised'
–– Prepares for 1.6 billion faithectomies.

Trump's national security adviser pick regularly pushed Sharia law conspiracy theories in speeches
–– A fatwa lot of good that does us.

Donald Trump Says He Has ‘Open Mind’ on Climate Change Accord
–– Through which gale winds blow.

Trump 'seriously considering' Ben Carson for HUD secretary
–– Title changed to My African-American.

Russian President Putin says Trump confirmed willing to mend ties
–– In latest slang for suck dick.

Retired five-time champion Rodman charged in hit and run
–– In bid to be Trump Transportation Secretary.

Rick Scott: I won't serve Trump White House
–– Net worth dropped below $120 million.

Le Pen: Very happy with the election of Donald Trump
–– Le Pen pig.

CNN’s Jeff Zucker, TV News Anchors Face ‘Firing Squad’ in ‘Unprecedented’ Meeting With Donald Trump
–– Talk about a pee shooter.

Trump Supporter Interrupts ‘Hamilton’ Performance: ‘You Lost! Get Over It! F— You!’
–– Given standing Ewww.

Trump aide Kellyanne Conway: No plan to pursue charges against Clinton
–– ‘The President-elect has only so many things he can pull out of his ass.’

Donald Trump Posts Video Outlining First 100 Days, Promises Cabinet of "Patriots"
–– Will ask Belichik and Brady.

Neil deGrasse Tyson Explains 2 Things Most People Can't Grasp
–– But gives up justifying Trump.

‘It’s Horrifying’: Stephen Colbert and John Oliver Can’t Laugh About Trump’s Victory
–– Death rattle can theoretically sound like laughter.

Britain plans to invite Trump to meet Queen Elizabeth II
–– Now that she’s deaf and senescent.

Trump has a plan for government workers. They’re not going to like it.
–– After all, they are Americans.

Burger King's menu, as selected by a nutritionist
–– Blank sheet of paper wrapped around plastic toy.

Jony Ive's Christmas tree design is ... boring
–– Ive got other fish to fry.

Howard Dean calls Steve Bannon 'a Nazi'
–– Reining in hyperbole for once.

Alt-right leader: 'Hail Trump! Hail our people! Hail victory!'
–– 'Hail to the chaff!'

Trump’s pick for national security adviser once bashed torture, drone strikes, night raids
–– The wuss!

Undocumented immigrant mom wants Trump to walk in her shoes
–– Except they won't fit cloved hooves.

Pope Francis extends Catholic priests' right to forgive abortion
–– Excluding 2016 U.S. Election.

‘Star Wars' Writers Get Political: Will Anti-Trump Tweets Hurt 'Rogue One'?
–– Might if Star Wars fans weren't as mindless as Trump's.

Beastie Boys’ Adam Yauch Memorial Park Vandalized With Swastikas, Trump Graffiti in Brooklyn
–– Yauch, that hurts!

‘Get Over It!’: 79-Year-Old Trump Supporter Arrested for Allegedly Vandalizing Children’s Mural
— If you get over breathing.

Woman accidentally shot in head outside gun show at the NC State Fairgrounds
–– Failed to clear head.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel announces run for fourth term
–– It'll take a Merkel.

The nearly invisible president-elect: Trump’s work keeps him mostly out of view
–– Not nearly invisible enough.

Reince Priebus: Trump will avoid conflicts of interest as president
–– After he has his shysters redefine those terms.

Mike Pence doesn’t rule out waterboarding under Trump administration
–– How about on?

Trump 'surprised' by Mattis waterboarding comments
–– Called 'wet blanket.'

Trump transition: Will General 'Mad Dog' Mattis lead Pentagon?
–– Is he rabid enough?

Donald Trump says 'SNL' was 'biased' and asks for 'equal time for us'
–– The humorless bigots.

Donald Trump: Melania and Barron will not move to the White House initially
–– At least election spelled freedom for someone.

UK woman arrested in Dubai after reporting rape, group says
–– Shouldn't expect fair sheikh.

Vince Neil now says he's not playing at inauguration
–– Mötley Crüe deemed too classy for event.

Earthquakes: Reckoning with 'The Big One' in California-and it just got bigger
–– Temblors arouse meteorologists.

Syria: Aleppo pounded by 'heaviest bombardment' since war began
–– Trump: ‘Heckuva’ job, Bashie!’

Donald Trump Meeting Ari Emanuel in New Jersey
–– Asks him to bring Entourage babes.

With Sessions, Trump gets immigration cred — and sparks more controversy
–– You mean crud.

Lady Gaga Thanks Fans After Opening Up About Chronic Pain: ‘Hope This Helps Some of You’
–– ‘To whom I have been chronic pain.’

Kissinger: Don't expect Trump to maintain all his promises
–– ‘Like ven you say ve don't bomb Cambodia, sometimes you’re chust talking.’

Donald Trump’s mock assassination draws ire at Texas high school
–– Was it mock part?

Trump meets with Indian business partners after vow to step away from company
–– Indian giver of vows.

‘Make America White Again': Hate speech and crimes post-election
–– White as a sheet.

AFI Fest: Director Peter Berg Says 'Patriots Day' Is For Both Trump, Clinton Supporters
–– But Stein people are gonna hate it.

Moose found frozen in Alaskan stream, locked at antlers in fight to the death
–– Flying squirrel stuck to back.

Trump to meet with Christie on Sunday
–– Will prank him with Secretary of State offer…again.

A Mom Is Suing Her Transgender Daughter for Transitioning From Male to Female
–– ‘Now who’ll mow the lawn?

Laurie Luhn Says Roger Ailes Sexually Harassed Her for 20 Years: 'I Went Through Such Hell'
–– Jabba the Hutt not her dream date?

Trump: Pence 'harassed' by 'Hamilton' cast
–– Oooo, they talked mean and buwwied him!

Donald Trump Supporters Call for ‘Hamilton’ Boycott in Defense of Mike Pence
–– Unemployed ex-miners absolutely refuse to buy $849 tickets.

Trump Deletes Angry Tweet Attacking ‘Hamilton’ Actor
–– Accused him of forgetting his lines. No, really.

Chrissy Teigen apologises in the best way for showing 'hooha'
–– No apology necessary.

Chrissy Teigen Blasts Trump for ‘Hamilton’-Mike Pence Tweets: ‘Look Who Wants a F—ing Safe Space Now’
–– Exposing far skankier hooha.

Priebus on $25M settlement: Trump wanted no 'distraction' taking office
–– Needs to concentrate on Hamilton tweets.

President-elect tweets he could have won Trump University trial
–– Will write off $25M settlement as charity on taxes.

Federal judge at citizenship ceremony: If you don't like Trump, then leave
–– If only it was that easy.

Week of 11/18/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

‘Duck Dynasty’ to End After Current Season on A&E
–– Replaced by 'Trump Dynasty.'

Trump’s win brings 'white pride' out of the shadows
–– Pride goeth before the foul.

Bannon: 'I'm not a white nationalist, I'm a nationalist'
–– 'And you're not a Mexican-American, you're deported.'

James Woods Quits Twitter Following Suspension of Alt-Right Accounts
–– Shortlisted for George Lincoln Rockwell Freedom of Hate Speech Award.

Mark Zuckerberg Responds to Fake News Controversy for Third Time in One Week
–– Which might as well be fake news.

Trump's National Security Adviser Shared Fake News About Clinton
–– Or 'campaigned'.

Donald Trump settles Trump University lawsuits
–– Graduates finally aced Trump formula for big bucks: sue.

Sessions: Case of Central Park 5, later exonerated, shows Trump's dedication to 'law and order'
–– And his burning desire to execute underage minorities guilty or not.

DraftKings and FanDuel Agree to Merge
–– Will split suckers 50/50.

A senior Trump official reportedly laughed at the idea of Chris Christie getting a role in the administration
–– They played him like Fiddle Faddle.

Trump’s rise 'the first stage' in white nationalist movement, says alt-right leader from Dallas
–– "First we take Warsaw, IN, then Paris, TX, then the world!'

Mammoth Texas oil discovery biggest ever in USA
–– Hopes arise underground field will swallow state.

Man killed in boiling Yellowstone pool was looking for hot soak: report
–– Uneducated man voting for Trump was looking for job.

Newt Gingrich won't be in Donald Trump's Cabinet after all
–– Fug Newton.

Philippine dictator Marcos buried at heroes' cemetery amid protests
–– Giant shoe box ready at site for Imelda's passing.

Did this astronaut warn of aliens before attempting suicide?
–– She was watching U.S. election results.

Jon Stewart: I don't believe we are a different country after election of Trump
–– Your moment of zilch.

Wall Street Journal to Trump: Liquidate your holdings
–– Beginning with kids.

Trump offers Flynn job of national security advisor
–– In-sane like Flynn.

Inside the mind of Trump's national security guru
–– Imagine Buffalo Bill's lair in The Silence of the Lambs.

Trump asks Rep. Mike Pompeo to be CIA director, sources say
–– Wait to begin term will be 'torture'.

Trump picks Sessions for attorney general
–– Because Elmer Fudd still out chasing wabbit.

Kanye West: I didn't vote but if I did, 'I would have voted for Trump'
–– The voice of a degeneration.

Game can tell if you have dementia
–– It’s called Who'd You Vote For?

Stephen Hawking says we've got about 1,000 years to find a new place to live
–– You check Craigslist, I’ve got Zillow.

Trump’s Chief Strategist Steve Bannon Is Making Millions Off ‘Seinfeld’
–– And served as model for Soup Nazi.

Melania Trump’s New Bio Says She ‘Paused Her Studies’
–– Quit out of online course Gold digging 101.

John Bolton, Top Contender For Secretary Of State, Calls For Regime Change In Iran
–– ‘It’s 1986, dagnabbit, and it’s about time!’

Trump Supporter Cites Japanese Internment As ‘Precedent’ For Muslim Registry
–– Kristallnacht for deportations.

Matthew McConaughey on weight gain for his role in 'Gold': It was 'pizza night, every night'
–– 'All bite, all bite, all bite.'

Chevy Chase, Dennis Miller Joining Peter Fonda in 'The Ogilvy Fortune'
–– Which is aparently buried Acapulco Gold.

Workers pry gold 'Trump Place' name off apartment buildings
–– Attach to sewer covers running along Fifth Avenue.

Facebook Fake News Writer Reveals How He Tricked Trump Supporters and Possibly Influenced Election
–– Learned by hiding squeak toy from dog.

How Obama is trying to allay fears at home and abroad
–– More like Why?

Report: Cities passing more laws making homelessness a crime
–– America: home of the grave.

China clamps down on websites 'body-shaming' Kim Jong-un
–– "Kim Fatty the Third” searches censored by “Xi Semi-Fat Fuck”.

JPMorgan hired kids of China's elite to win business, U.S. charges
–– Free clock radios didn't do trick.

Conway: Anti-Trump protesters 'degrade' presidency
–– He needs no help with that.

Kellyanne Conway slams post-election coddling of millennials: 'What's the worst that can happen to them?'
–– They have whole lives to find out.

In The Wake Of Trump's Win, Here Are 5 Ways The Media Can Regain Credibility
–– 2. Accept Americans are morons.

The 1 Thing You Should Never Put on a Sandwich, According to the Sandwich King Himself
–– Your own salami.

Confusion over Trump's first talks with foreign leader
–– Preview of every talk to come.

NSA chief openly accuses 'nation state' of using WikiLeaks to tip presidential election
–– 'Nation state' nicest thing Russi'a been called since Putin took over.

Trump could return Iraq war boosters to power
–– As he assembles Suicide Squad.

Megyn Kelly claims Trump 'threatened me' before debate
–– You and everyone else.

O’Reilly suggests Kelly made Fox News ‘look bad’ by airing Ailes allegations
–– While Ailes made self 'look presidential'.

No Saudi Oil Says Trump; Saudi Arabia Fires Back
–– Will replace 11% market share with crude rendered from his team.

Kate Upton rips writers who left Justin Verlander off Cy Young ballot
–– They're hit by her pitch.

Russia has banned LinkedIn
–– ‘Freedom-loving Abraham LinkedIn was least favorite presidents.’

Rebranding Steve Bannon: Inside the PR Campaign to Rehab Trump Adviser’s Image
–– With huge ’T’ on left haunch.

Specter of Race Shadows Jeff Sessions, Potential Trump Nominee for Cabinet
–– For Attorney-Obergruppenführer.

Hillary Clinton Now Leads by 1 Million in History-Making Popular Vote Total
–– What’s that, the dry heaves were just subsiding?

Draining the swamp? GOP-led House looks to bring back earmarks
–– Won't ban fen-fen.

Wanda Sykes Curses Out Audience Members When They Boo Her Trump Jokes
–– Sykes out.

Bob Dylan can't make Nobel ceremony: Swedish Academy
–– Has appointment at shop for annual phlegm change.

Trump supporters launch boycotts of Pepsi, Oreos, and Netflix
–– Toothless, brainless pre-diabetics won’t miss them.

Tech CEO who vowed to murder Donald Trump with a sniper rifle forced to resign
–– Had to lower his sight.

Janus’ Gross says Trump will be one-termer, in failure for populism
–– In typical two-faced fashion.

Ivanka Trump company promotes $10,000 bracelet worn on '60 Minutes'
–– Should be electronic and on father’s ankle.

Something Stinks When Exit Polls and Official Counts Don't Match
–– You can smell it everywhere.

Jared Kushner’s New York Observer Kills Print Edition
–– After 10 years of captivity, privation, abuse.

Carrie Fisher Reveals She Had an Affair With Harrison Ford on Star Wars: 'It Was So Intense'
–– So he was Princess layer.

Rudy Giuliani sketches foreign policy vision amid secretary of state buzz
–– Sketchiness his prime qualification.

Rudolph Giuliani’s Business Ties Viewed as Red Flag for Secretary of State Job
–– His face reddest one.

SpaceX exec quits to fight Trump 'nightmare'
–– Dream on.

Glenn Beck: The alt-right is truly terrifying
–– And that’s the boogey man talking.

Donald Trump's new chief strategist Steve Bannon 'will call Nigel Farage before Theresa May'
–– Because strong women make him wee wee.

Ohio State student arrested after anti-Trump speaker tackled
–– In Nazi blitz.

Herschel Walker wants a spot on Donald Trump's staff
–– But is clearly overqualified.

Donald Trump indicates he'll pick justices to overturn Supreme Court ruling on abortion, but not same-sex marriage
–– Ones that’ll send journalists to jail, but not sexual molesters.

Noam Chomsky: 'The Republican Party Has Become the Most Dangerous Organization in World History'
–– Americans can’t remember more than 2 years back, so yes.

Rodrigo Duterte says he will scrap human rights 'bulls**t' to hunt down Isis
–– And political opponents, critics, store clerks who provide poor service.

Trump reportedly surprised by scope of White House staffing duties
–– Assumed Oval Office came fully furnished with help, wants to renegotiate lease.

Obama: Trump tapped into a 'troubling' strain
–– Kind of like Ebola.

Attacks on Muslim Americans Fuel Increase in Hate Crime, F.B.I. Says
–– 6% rise ascribed toTrump bump.

Mike Rogers parts ways with Trump transition team
–– Buck Rogers takes place.

Why some make so much noise during sex
–– Aphrodisiac tacos.

Egyptian ex-president Mohamed Morsy's death sentence overturned
–– Never expressed remorsy.

Mexico works on plan to deal with Trump's possible deportations
–– Will televise Deportee Deportes.

Mary Jo White leaving SEC before Trump takes office
–– Mighty White of her.

‘Knife fight' as Trump builds an unconventional national security cabinet
–– With tiny, limp blades.

Trump Considers Not Moving Into White House
–– No, not what you were hoping: SAD.

Michael Moore Blasts Donald Trump as 'Illegitimate President' as He Tours Trump Tower
–– In latest slang for bastard.

Pamela Anderson Visits WikiLeaks Founder Julian Assange Again, Bearing More Treats
–– London’s Ecuadorian Embassy had never seen a bigger pair of boobs: them together.

Donald Trump Shouldn’t ‘Put His Children Out of Work,’ Giuliani Says
–– He should put them out of misery.

Bernie Sanders 'deeply humiliated' Democrats lost white working-class voters
–– Yeah, why couldn’t they have race-baited, too?

Colin Kaepernick: 'It would be hypocritical of me to vote'
–– ‘And way too smart.’

Has 'Hogan's Heroes' star Bob Crane's murder been solved?
–– “I know nothing!”

President-elect Trump rips New York Times on Twitter
–– Defending freedom to depress.

Where Will Trump Stand on Press Freedoms?
–– The throat.

Why Women Did Not Unite to Vote Against Donald Trump
–– Because they think as little of selves as he does.

Anti-Defamation League Slams Donald Trump's Appointment of Stephen Bannon
–– The fascist gun in the west.

Trump to supporters harassing minorities: 'Stop it'
–– ‘That’s my shtick!’

Bob Iger Says Bust of President-Elect Donald Trump Already in the Works for Disney World
–– With distinctive duck mouth.

Jackie Chan Oscar Climaxes Warm Evening at the Governors Awards
–– After being given Chan job.

Eagles of Death Metal Manager Denies Members Were Kicked Out of Sting's Reopening Concert at Bataclan
–– Death, where is thy Sting?

Lupita Tovar, Actress in Spanish-Language Version of ‘Dracula,’ Dies at 106
–– O ella?

Trump describes Clinton as ‘very strong and very smart’
–– For a pussy.

Trump Moves to Delay Fraud Trial Until He’s President
–– So he can concentrate on massive fraud of nation.

‘I’ve never seen anything like that': Confederate flags at California Veterans Day parade
–– The South will writhe again.

Trump Wants to ‘Drain the Swamp,’ but Change Will Be Complex and Costly
–– Refill from his fouler sump.

Trump Camp Refuses to Close Door on Campaign Pledge to ‘Lock Her Up’
–– Unless they can close it repeatedly with her head in it.

Trump’s Hires Will Set Course of His Presidency
–– When he goes low he goes hire.

‘SNL’ strikes a serious tone post-election
–– Unfunny on purpose, for once.

Ryan: 'We are not planning on erecting a deportation force'
–– ‘They can make themselves hard.’

Clinton to donors: FBI letters were double whammy to campaign
–– No Comey sympathizers.

Trump Manhattan HQ 'fortress' amid transition to power
–– Like Sauron’s Tower.

Anti-Trump protests spread across nation
–– In bid to redefine ‘too little too late.’

Week of 11/11/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

The real 'shy Trump' vote - how 53% of white women pushed him to victory
–– Shy of self-respect.

Tech founders want California to secede
–– Take me! Take me!

Calls to crisis and suicide prevention hotlines surge post-election
–– How about to hitmen?

North Carolina GOP condemns KKK parade honoring Trump
–– Hanging tree float not big enough.

Reid: Trump has big job after spurring 'forces of hate and bigotry'
–– Making it stick.

Is Life Fair? Four Picture Books Say No
–– What A Big, Beautiful Wall; LGBT ABC; I Can Count to 270!; Dirty Donald Wins.

Oil prices slip as OPEC, IEA data underscores crude glut
Crudest glut in America.

Bald Eagle Rescued From Florida Storm Drain After Brawl With Another Eagle
–– Was trying to escape humiliation of being U.S. symbol.

Starbucks' CEO Delivered a Powerful Post-Election Message to His Employees
'It's like the nation got an extra-hot, double-shot venti latte poured in lap.'

With election of Donald Trump, Rodrigo Duterte changes mind on scaling back alliance with U.S.
–– Vows to get T tattoo, pledge his gang.

Obama calls meeting with Trump ‘excellent’
–– As was weed he toked before it.

Robert Vaughn, Suave Star of TV's 'The Man From U.N.C.L.E.,' Dies at 83
–– Cries U.N.C.L.E.

Leonard Cohen Dead at 82
–– Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

Portland police say anti-Trump protest is 'riot'
–– His election ‘real knee-slapper.’

Voter turnout at 20-year low in 2016
–– 55% of eligible voters. Fifty-fuckin’-five percent!

Why Catholics Crucified Clinton
–– Because Jesus left Church years ago.

PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi on why Steve Jobs advised her to throw tantrums
–– Nooyi was nutty.

Clinton aides blame FBI director, media for devastating loss
–– ‘Oh, and the 60 million idiots.’

Rev. Graham: God Intervened Nov. 8 to Stop 'Atheistic, Progressive Agenda' in America
–– By hastening Apocalypse.

Here’s the Kind of First Lady Melania Trump Will Be, In Her Own Words
–– ‘Von-der-fullish.’

Melania Trump Wears All Black While Meeting With Michelle Obama at the White House
–– In mourning for weekly New York spa routine.

Jane Fonda on the presidential election: 'I feel like I was hit by a truck'
–– Driven by Rudy Giuliani.

Moscow had contacts with Trump team during campaign, Russian diplomat says
–– When it needed cheering up.

Trump’s Attorney General Could Crush Huge Pot Wins
–– If it’s Christie he already has huge pot.

Clinton Made Her Case to Black Voters. Why Didn’t They Hear Her?
–– Guess they missed the 50s, too.

‘The polls clearly got it wrong': The autopsy will take months
–– And body’s already rotten.

Lock her up? Maybe not so much, Giuliani and Christie say
–– ‘Not until we enact pro-honor killing law.’

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Loses Bid for 7th Term in Arizona
–– Your 6-inch-square patch of silver lining, 2016.

Omarosa: Trump campaign keeping 'list' of enemies
–– Was sole job of transition team.

How to explain the election results to your kids
–– ‘Do you know Homer Simpson? Now imagine 60 million of him…’

Voters in 3 states approve pot use
–– After Trump 25 others want in.

Tim Kaine Quotes William Faulkner's 'Absalom, Absalom!' in Introducing Hillary Clinton's Concession Speech
–– The elitist creep!

‘We are all now rooting for his success.' Obama congratulates Trump and promises orderly handover as White House staff weep at Clinton loss
–– Will have to root deep.

Top 5 promises Donald Trump's voters expect him to deliver on
–– 2. Not make them feel stupid as they are.

Lex Luthor or Captain America: Who Was the Better U.S. President?
–– Either compared to current cartoon character.

On 'Live,' Megyn Kelly Talks Election, Assures Rattled Nation: "It All Winds Up OK"
–– ‘Because you keep tuning in to me pimping for this thug.’

Megyn Kelly Memoir Bombshell: Was the Fox News Anchor Poisoned Prior to First Republican Primary Debate?
–– Audience was during.

Ana Navarro Reacts to Trump Win: "One Nightmare Is Over, Another Is About to Begin"
–– We’re still binge-watching same one.

Shades Of 2000? Clinton Surpasses Trump In Popular Vote Tally
–– Feels more like 2001, as in 9/11.

Russia’s Putin pleased as Trump win shocks world
–– *Understatement of the Week.*

Backstage at Hillary Clinton's Election-Night Party: "I've Never Seen a More Defeated Group of People"
–– Unless you count every other American.

New York Daily News Runs White "House of Horrors" Cover After Trump's Election Victory
–– Halloween came late this year.

WikiLeaks won't feel responsible if Trump beats Clinton
–– Sociopaths incapable of that emotion.

John Cleese Explains 'Delusional' Donald Trump's Appeal With Voters
–– Everyone expects the Spanish Inquisition.

A Catholic priest put an aborted fetus on the altar in an appeal for Donald Trump
–– Human sacrifice to dark lord worked.

Donald Trump effigies burned across England for Bonfire Night
–– Satan is pleased.

Terra Jolé Reveals the Toll Dancing with the Stars Is Taking on Her Newborn Son: ‘He Won’t Latch Anymore’
–– Is ‘latch’ key, kid?

How to 'clear the air' after using the bathroom
–– And you’ve taken enormous Trump.

Grandson of Gandhi, a former top NASA scientist, dies in poverty
–– In honor of Grampi.

Paul Ryan's principles waver at election's finish line
–– Like eyelashes on a gnat.

Breast augmentation surgery is in free fall, which is bad news for Victoria's Secret
–– Implants sag.

This Boy with Cerebral Palsy was Booed at a Trump Rally. Then, Obama Made His Dreams Come True.
–– Rallied for Hillary until Trump won.

This road-rage incident turned disgustingly racist
–– NY Post: experts on acceptable levels of racism.

J.J. Abrams Makes Surprise Appearance at 'Arrival' Premiere
–– In a departure.

Hillary Clinton wins Dixville Notch midnight vote
–– Trump wins Dicksville, natch.

Toblerone changes its iconic shape and chocoholics go crazy
–– Cocoa nuts.

Chinese tech tycoon cuts salary to 15 cents as company bleeds cash
–– In stock options.

‘The Jinx' Subject Robert Durst Pleads Not Guilty to Murder
–– Couldn’t explain how Susan Berman took Durst nap.

Trump says Patriots' Tom Brady, Bill Belichick supporting him
–– Fans deflated.

Gisele Bundchen Tells Fan She And Tom Brady Don’t ‘Back’ Donald Trump
–– Trump: ‘I’d like to ‘back’ her.’

Kris Jenner Calls Pregnant Kim Kardashian a 'Closet Eater'
–– Just consumed walk-in.

The Binghamton Mets have changed their name to the fearsome Rumble Ponies
–– After abandoning Romper Pussies.

“Rope. Tree. Journalist" Shirts Pulled After Image Goes Viral at Trump Rally
–– Supporters to critics: “You are so hung up.”

Wall Street Bonuses Are Expected to Sink for 3rd Straight Year
–– Main Street, on way to minimum wage job, pauses for moment of silence.

Donald Trump reflects on his bid: 'It's been some campaign'
–– Finally achieving understatement on election eve.

Why Can't Today's Candidates Be More Like 'The Candidate'?
–– Because liberals running for Senate are pure fiction in 2016.

Jinger Duggar gets married
–– Can Donner and Blitzen be far behind?

Hillary Clinton's 'Pantsuit Nation' suits up for Election Day
–– Will end around their ankles.

Blind Melon Hit With Countersuit in 'Insane' Copyright Dispute
–– But isn’t Justice like Melon?

Ted Nugent grabs himself onstage at Trump rally in Michigan: 'I've got your blue state right here'
–– Blue balls, maybe.

Hong Kong Elected 2 Separatists. China Took Drastic Action.
–– Separate them from freedom.

Gov. Bill Weld: America deserves better
–– Than me and my Johnson.

'National Enquirer' Reportedly Paid $150K for Story About 'Playboy' Model's Alleged Affair With Trump
–– Story might’ve just put him over top with prime demo: dumb, white ED-sufferers.

President Obama Feels Bad for the Boys Who Try to Date Malia and Sasha
–– Prohibits threesomes.

Israel says 'no' to Middle East peace conference in Paris
–– West Bank settlers: ‘Nuttin’, yahoo!

Chris Christie: Bridgegate “one of the most abjectly stupid things I’ve ever seen”
–– “Or OK’d.”

FBI Historian Says Comey Threatens 240-Year Experiment With Democracy
–– Experiment about to create explosion, noxious orange cloud.

Franken: FBI's Comey should face Senate hearings
–– Comey of errors.

Rudy Giuliani is now openly boasting that the Trump campaign got advance notice of James Comey’s letter
–– Thanks Fascist Bureau of Investigations.

Donald Trump’s Billionaire-Backed Super-PAC Also Paying Rudy Giuliani’s Law Firms
–– A retainer, for his fangs.

Mannequin Challenge is the internet's newest obsession
–– Where dummies win.

How Donald Trump made fact-checking great again
–– And degraded again.

Another body found on suspect's property
–– His neck of the woods.

New Delhi is the most polluted city on Earth right now
–– Written two days before Trump visited Washington, DC.

Cummings: 'Trump didn't ... know what the hell he was talking about'
–– Could be referring to any minute of 17-month campaign.

Janet Reno, first female US attorney general, dies at 78
–– Spared Trump election.

Khizr Khan: 'Thankfully, Mr. Trump, this isn't your America'
–– Oh, please, be right.

California voters mull sex, drugs and plastic bags
–– In auto-erotic asphyxiation bill.

Lady Gaga: Melania Trump campaigning for anti-bullying is 'hypocrisy'
–– Or more accurate than any existing lyric for Alanis Morissette’s Ironic.

‘Game of Thrones' author isn't writing. He's campaigning for Clinton
–– Needs material for Cersei Lannister prequel.

FBI Director Says No Charges Against Hillary Clinton After New Email Review
–– Quotes noted legal scholar Emily Litella, “Never mind.”

Donald Trump: Clinton’s Use of Celebrities Is ‘Demeaning to the Political Process’
–– Demeaning subject on which he actually is ‘world-class’, ‘terrific’, ‘the best’.

Conway deflects on Trump camp's claims of assassination attempt
–– His on Democracy?

Feeling sad? Blame your clock
–– If it has Trump face.

Vendee Globe: 66-year-old solo sailor takes on 'Everest of the Seas'
–– Sherpas with yaks sink boat.

ABC News staged crime-scene shot, photograph shows
–– That wasn’t actually Trump and Melania at polling place?

Donald Trump Says He Doesn't Need Celebrity Supporters: "I Didn't Have to Bring J-Lo or Jay Z"
–– ‘My middle initial stands for J-erkoff!’

Week of 11/04/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Melania Trump Is Very Upset By People Who Bully Others On The Internet
–– 'So I tooked Donald's smart phone away.'

Susan Sarandon: Both Clinton, Trump are 'un-trustable'
–– Bull…duh…umm.

Rolling Stone Rocked By Jury's Verdict That Campus Rape Story Was Defamatory
–– 'Making shit up' will be federally protected when Trump's president.

Bill Simmons' HBO Show Canceled After 4 Months
–– Any given Wednesday you could've watched something better.

Latest Unpaid Trump Vendor Is His Own Pollster, Filing Shows
–– Left playing with own pole.

Huge Godzilla Straw Statue Built on Japanese Countryside
–– Surrounded by stompable straw men.

Despite military successes, Russia's main goal in Syria remains elusive
–– Isn't sustaining despotic monster enough?

Astronaut Mark Kelly: If anyone’s going to Mars, it’s Elon Musk
–– So, no one?

Huckabee: Trump a 'car wreck,' Clinton a 'drunk driver'
–– So 'dead already' or 'in mortal danger'?

Julian Assange predicts Donald Trump will not be allowed to win US elections
–– Thanatos will stop him.

CDC identifies first US cases of drug-resistant fungal infection
–– Coy official: 'There's fungus among us.'

Samsung, CPSC Recalling 2.8 Million Top-Loading Washing Machines Due to Risk of Explosion
–– Spin cycle includes gyrating agitator, decapitation.

Ex-Christie Aides Convicted in George Washington Bridge Case
–– Will it take toll on him?

Trevor Noah didn't expect the 'liberal hatred' of him when he took over 'The Daily Show'
–– Or was it ‘people-who-like-to-laugh animosity’?

‘Mortal sin’ to vote Democratic, says San Diego Catholic church, linking Hillary Clinton to Satan
–– Has dark power to transform priests into asses.

A teacher punched a second-grader in the face because she was ‘tired of him,’ police say
–– Sounds mean, but who can't relate?

Teen Claims She’s 9 Months Pregnant With Baby Jesus – What Does An Ultrasound Reveal?
–– Not interested unless it was of her head.

Tucker Carlson Gets Nightly Show on Fox News Channel
–– Expected to Tucker out audience.

Eric Trump: David Duke 'deserves a bullet'
–– ‘Next to his name on our list of supporters.’

Media Bites on Trump’s Kremlin Ties, But Clinton’s Are Long-Standing and Deep
–– Those red power ones are Russian?

Man Found Living with 12 Girls Allegedly ‘Groomed’ Them to Think He Was a Prophet
–– Shaved initials 'down there.'

Ex-KKK leader David Duke gets into shouting match at debate, says Hillary Clinton 'should be getting the electric chair'
–– ‘Can take a number after we’re done with them colored fellers.’

Donna Brazile out at CNN amid leaks to Clinton campaign
–– Fool disclosure.

Woman Who Asked Leaked Hillary Clinton Debate Question Says Candidate ‘Should Be Disqualified’
–– From what? Future debates? 20 Questions?

Conway: I've talked to NBC about Trump singling out Katy Tur
–– ‘And he said he would reach out to her next time she walks by.’

ISIS Leader al-Baghdadi Emerges With Defiant Statement After Iraqi Forces Enter Mosul
–– ‘And do not be worrying about losing a little territory here and there. Big al-deal! Anywhere you hang a head is your home.’

Isis leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi 'no longer in Mosul'
–– At Hard Raqqa Cafe.

IS leader Baghdadi in audio message says no Mosul retreat
–– ‘Y’know, for you guys.’

Ex-Obama Speechwriter Jon Favreau Wants to Put Anxious Hillary "Bedwetters" at Ease
–– After latest polls expect "bedshitters".

Glenn Beck: "Trump TV Will Be the Urinal" of a New "Dadaist Movement”
–– Man Ray, from grave, thinks he’s offended.

Court ruling throws Brexit process into doubt
––After languishing in confusion.

U.K. tabloids spew hatred over Brexit court ruling
–– Page 3 girls wag knockers at judges.

Mississippi Church Set on Fire and Vandalized With 'Vote Trump,' Authorities Launch Hate Crime Investigation
–– Giuliani: ‘A hate crime? Sure, we all hate crime, but who knows, Hillary supporters probably torched it.'

Meghan Markle: 5 things about Prince Harry's rumored love interest
–– 3. Birth name: Fagin Farkle.

Prince Harry's New Girlfriend Says She 'Fights' to Wear Loose Tops Onscreen
–– Wig frequently flies off.

Ayatollah Khamenei: Clinton and Trump prove Iran right
–– Was it the Prophet who said, ''two wrongs make a right?"

Another mishap for Navy's $360 million warship
–– Captain's gold toilet seat tarnishes ass.

Woman Who Says Donald Trump Raped Her When She Was 13 Cancels Press Conference
–– Because in bottomless cess pool it barely qualifies as news.

Can energy drinks cause hepatitis?
–– Like Diet Hepsi?

Texas Attorney General applauds Supreme Court for dismissing deaf rights case
–– Was hearing impaired?

Head of Saudi-based Islamic group resigns after Egypt joke
–– Camels unamused with 'one hump or two?' gag.

Sydney Leathers Speaks Out About Anthony Weiner's Impact on Election: 'I Think It's Crazy'
–– Hell bent for Leathers.

If Clinton wins, more in GOP say no to 9 on Supreme Court
–– Insist they can't book a judge by her cover.

Face-biting attacker: 'I ate something bad ... humans'
–– Had they turned?

Pope says he believes ban on female priests is forever
–– Nope springs eternal.

Why are white, uneducated voters voting for Trump?
–– Because they're uneducated, white?

Huma Abedin lies low amid email probe
–– Fibs sotto voce.

Trump campaign denounces KKK's official newspaper's support
–– But gives hood wink.

Woman denied $43 million jackpot, offered steak dinner instead
–– With side of humble pie.

Zayn Malik reveals eating disorder battle while in One Direction
–– ‘Food moved in two directions.’

‘Jaw dropping' secret tapes reveal late North Korean leader's frustrations
–– In latest slang for 'micro penis blowjob'.

Paul Ryan on voting for Trump: I already voted 'for our nominee'
–– Should have T tattooed on forehead lest we forget.

Bashar al-Assad, Unrepentant, Says He Expects to Rule Syria Until 2021
–– ‘Still so much killing to get done.’

In private, Burr quips about gun owners shooting Clinton
–– Fired off crack.

Boy Dresses as Obama for Halloween at the White House
–– But don't call him ‘boy.’

Donald Trump Used Legally Dubious Method to Avoid Paying Taxes
–– Provided by lawfully shady Congress.

Kasich votes McCain instead of Trump
–– Further proof he lives in past.

Tammy Grimes, the Original ‘Unsinkable Molly Brown,’ Dies at 82
–– Family will not attempt burial at sea.

Kellyanne Conway: Dems are 'cursing the sky' over FBI investigation
–– If Trump’s aloft in plane.

Donald Trump, Pentagon differ on Mosul fight's success
–– Choose your unreliable narrator.

Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson: Clinton presidency 'may well end up in impeachment'
–– As his candidacy ends up in blooper reel.

How to get a Toyota Prius without paying for it
–– Here's a hammer and screw driver.

Meet the man who spent $9 million on a license plate
–– Here’s a key, write CONGRATS on car’s hood.

Trump said in 2005 that he voted for George W. Bush. In 2009, he claimed he never did
–– My God, wait, Trump is…inconsistent?!

Donald Trump touts waterboarding, stokes immigration fears in border state
–– Finally…staying on message.

Joey Kramer: Obama Photo 'Not Representative of Aerosmith'
–– ‘We’re not that smart.’

Idris Elba Firmly Shoots Down Madonna Hookup Rumors: 'No Motherf***ers'
–– She is fourteen years older than him.

Woman in scandal roiling S. Korea says she 'deserves death'
–– Martin Shkreli, you listening?

Wikileaks announces imminent launch of 'phase three' of election coverage
–– Assange already did Number 1 and Number 2 on Clinton.

Andrea Tantaros: Roger Ailes Targeted ‘Wounded Birds’ for Sexual Harassment
–– What vultures do.

Michael Vance Killed After Car Chase, Shootout With Oklahoma Cops
–– We're OK with that.

Hillary Clinton enlists 'Daisy' from the 1964 ad to questions Trump on nukes
–– ‘Daisy’ chain reaction.

New York Police Department Enlists Batman To Help With Frightening Clowns
–– Caped Crusader tackles Trump at rally.

An occupational hazard? Vet contracts TB from a wildebeest
–– Ony if you get too friendly during protate exam.

Trump reportedly didn’t know what a ’Gold Star family’ was
–– 'Isn't that what we called biggest losers who kept returning to the Taj?'

Xi Jinping Is China's 'Core' Leader: Here's What It Means
–– Abdomen is tight as drum.

English cricketer loses artificial leg midgame, keeps going
–– On a fake.

Conway: Man who shouted 'Jew-S-A' is 'deplorable'
–– 'We gave him gift basket.'

Justice Dept. Strongly Discouraged Comey on Move in Clinton Email Case
–– Candidate lucky he has courage of her conviction.

On Clinton Emails, Did the F.B.I. Director Abuse His Power?
–– In latest slang for 'choke and dagger'.

Ex-AG Eric Holder: Comey's letter 'a stunning breach of protocol' and 'serious error'
–– Decoded: 'probably illegal' and 'utterly fuck-witted'.

Ex-AGs Alberto Gonzales, Eric Holder rip FBI director
–– When Gonzo slams your judgment, it's time to check self into Gitmo.

Weld: Comey, FBI 'off the reservation'
–– Chief Crazy whores.

Hillary Clinton demands answers and Democrats call foul as FBI reopens email investigation over files found on sexting congressman's computer  
–– While Weiner sends pic of new briefs with Comey's face printed on them to random teens.

James Comey Role Recalls Hoover’s F.B.I., Fairly or Not
–– Especially when he wore floral frock to make announcement.

Bette Midler Dressed Up as Her 'Hocus Pocus' Character for Halloween
–– Only two senior citizens on trick-or-treat route recognized it.

New York Met Opera Shuts Down Show After a Man Reportedly Scatters Ashes Mid-Performance
–– Thought tuba in pit was urn.

Chipotle’s burger restaurant is *FINALLY* open — here’s what people are saying about it
–– Sounds like ‘ughh,’ but it’s muffled by bathroom door.

Arrestor beds help prevent disaster on Pence's campaign jet
–– They were filled with illegals being deported.

GOP Rep. Darrell Issa returns fire after President Obama rips his campaign mailer
–– Issa you is or Issa you ain't?

Why Do Men Treat Megyn Kelly Like A Malfunctioning Westworld Host?
–– Yeah, she's more like one in perfect order.

Tippi Hedren Claims Alfred Hitchcock Sexually Assaulted Her in the ’60s
–– Was rough with the birds.

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