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Headbangers 2015
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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 10/28/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Computer seized in Weiner probe prompts FBI to take new steps in Clinton email inquiry
Was that drive ever hard.

Chris Christie's epic collapse
–– Just took a little prick.

FBI memo: Comey feared 'risk of being misunderstood'
–– No, we get he's an asshole.

Gary Johnson snaps at reporter
–– Asked him to name own running mate.

Supreme Court takes up transgender school bathroom case
–– District will stand or sit by decision.

Biden on Weiner: 'I'm not a big fan'
–– 'I mean he's given me some pleasure, but, boy, those prostate exams are brutal.'

Fox News fans pessimistic about the country, and Clinton
–– Plus own chances for job, date or getting rid of that rash.

Bill Cosby is legally blind, according to defense attorneys
–– Morally, too.

Report: Texas man accused of decapitating wife, putting her head in refrigerator
–– Talk about cold cuts!

Into the heart of godlessness, Pope Francis heads for Sweden
–– Austere godlessness with clean lines, but nevertheless.

Former Miss Finland says Donald Trump grabbed her in 2006
–– Went for tail Finn.

Angelina Jolie Had to Endure a 4-Hour Interview with the FBI
–– Kept asking about rumored dreamboat BF.

Donald Trump believes the United States can get $1 trillion in new roads — for free
–– If they lead off continent and he's on them.

Pussy Riot Releases Anti-Trump Music Video 'Make America Great Again'
–– Trump: ‘I caused pussy riot once.’

Donald Trump Jr. helps a woman push her stalled car in Arizona
–– Over a cliff.

Vine’s dead. Is Twitter next?
–– Dont tease us like that!

‘Leviathan’ Director Says Russian Censorship Is "Rampant"
–– 'They always telling you what to Putin or take out.'

Republicans: No honeymoon if Clinton wins
–– So they can go fuck selves.

Plane carrying Pence skids off runway
–– In accident termed 'too on the nose' by authorities.

5 Reasons to Plan Retirement Activities Before Leaving Your Job
–– 1. You're fired.

Tom Cruise ‘Serious’ With Girlfriend of Several Months
–– He’s humorless with everyone.

New Jersey 'Bridgegate' judge delays closing arguments
–– Defendants seek closure.

UT Young Conservatives' 'affirmative action bake sale' draws hundreds of angry students
–– Who didn’t like white-and-white cookies.

Jihadists 'shave beards' as pressure builds on Mosul
–– In latest slang for ‘shit pants’.

Neuroscience Says Listening to This Song Reduces Anxiety by Up to 65 Percent
–– Chopin's Funeral March.

Trump asks team to trim back transition efforts, focus on race: sources
–– Scrap single page they produced thus far.

69 of Hillary Clinton's Best Style Moments on Her 69th Birthday
–– 69. The white pants suit. 68-1. The other ones.

Bill Gates says his children are 'proud' of his pledge to leave his $70bn fortune to charity
–– 'And concerned. Keep asking if I’d take out $50bn life insurance policy.'

Tomb of Christ opened for the first time in centuries
–– Smell could raise dead.

‘Game of Thrones' Daenerys and Jon Snow Together for the First Time
–– In Westeros Side Story.

Donald Trump Says He'll Teach Military Expert 'a Couple of Things' About Mosul
–– ‘One, it rhymes with ‘disposal’ and B) I know more about it than you ever will. Sad.’

Philippine Leader's Meeting With Japan Emperor Canceled
–– Duterte: ‘I heard the son of a whore’s uncle died. I pay my condolences and wish the same for his bitch nephew.’

Trump offers revealingly bad answers about the Good Book
–– But has studied Book of Revelations for first 100 days agenda.

Cruz cites 'long historical precedent' of SCOTUS vacancies, lays ground for potential fight
–– Continued by Justice Thomas' vacancy.

‘The Great British Bake Off’ Finishes BBC Run With Record Audience
–– Is ‘icing on cake.’

‘Afghan Girl' in iconic National Geographic photo arrested in Pakistan
–– Has best mug shot ever.

Ana Navarro: I'm writing in my mom
–– Though it’s tough getting pen in there.

Women now drink nearly as much alcohol as men, study finds
–– Yippee, equal rightsh!

LAPD investigating Donald Trump's Hollywood star vandalism
–– Cops questioning both Dave and Buster.

Ex-Aide Says Christie Had ‘Memory Issue’ About Bridge Lane Closings
–– He'd use any lane excuse.

Why Thousands of Combat Vets Have to Repay Their Enlistment Bonuses
–– Military hopes rage will make them forget PTSD.

Student accused of beating principal at Manhattan high school in dispute over headphones
–– They were Beats.

Phil Collins Witnessed Princess Diana’s Affair and 7 More Shocking Revelations From His Memoir
–– 4. Was there when William first saddled up Camilla.

On Alaska Day, Russians Still Dream of Getting Alaska Back
–– Can have if they'll take Palins.

The facts behind Trump’s repeated claim about Hillary Clinton’s role in the Russian uranium deal
–– ‘Facts? We don't need no stinkin’ facts!’

Ice Cube to Play Fagin in Contemporary 'Oliver Twist' Reboot
–– A tale of too citay.

Former Indiana Player Alleges Bob Knight Physically, Emotionally Abused Players
–– Or was Bobby Knight.

Justin Bieber storms off stage
–– Or stamps tiny feet petulantly, mewls.

Christian Cartoon Tract Creator Jack Chick Dies at 92
–– Tract star reaches finish line.

Justin Timberlake's Voting Booth Selfie Under Review Due to Tennessee Law
–– May be be found insufficiently hot.

Missing dancer for Rihanna and other celebs found safe
–– Judge Crater, Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart.

Trump warns of World War III if Clinton is elected
–– 'I'll give you World Wars III through VI. I'm terrific at World Wars. And we will win them all. Bigly.'

Star Wars: Rey Actress Teases When We Will Learn Who Her Parents Are
–– Louise Fawkner-Corbett and Chris Ridley: so tease us.

Gay couples can’t get married in Northern Ireland, but they can’t be denied ‘gay cakes,’ either
–– In latest slang for doughy buttocks.

A Redskins Coach Exposed His Wiener To Fans When He Whipped It Out To Pee On The Sideline
–– Fumbled the pigskin.

Britney Spears Suffers Major Wardrobe Malfunction On Stage: Watch Her Dancers Rush to Help
–– Was headlight of the show.

Ex-attorney general sentenced to jail, then cuffed in court
–– A left to the jaw.

Attempting To Woo Latino Voters, Marco Rubio Gets Booed At Orlando Festival
–– Amor or less.

Vatican issues guidelines on cremation, says no to scattering ashes
–– Provides granular data.

Russia reveals chilling first images of super-nuke 'Satan 2' which has 'power to devastate area size of Texas'
–– And sounds like Putin's nickname for pocket rocket.

How Joe Jonas’ Dad Caught the Singer Watching Porn
–– Walked in while he was 'massaging the meat mic.'

World’s tallest church has a waste problem — young Germans with full bladders
–– And it's not Episscopalian.

Before his coma he spoke English; after waking up he's fluent in Spanish
–– Tim Kaine thanks doctors.

Fearing Trump, Bar Association Stifles Report Calling Him a ‘Libel Bully’
–– Trump threatens to sue for reformation of character.

Police baffled by couple found dead next to untouched bags of Taco Bell — and not much else
–– Glad they’ve solved all other mysteries.

DeLay: Not in the constitution that we must have 9 Supreme Court Justices
–– DeLay man's opinion.

With Just Over Two Weeks Until Election Day, Donald Trump Is in a Race Against Time
–– Calls opponent ‘a-wastin’, ’not on my side’ and ‘twice a loser.’

7-year old boy punched in stomach inside school by classmate's parent
–– In gut check.

Pete Burns, Dead or Alive singer, dies at 57
–– Finally chooses.

Trump on porn actress who accused him of misconduct: 'Oh, I'm sure she's never been grabbed before'
–– Which sounds like a reach.

Jared Fogle's ex-wife sues Subway, alleging it failed to alert authorities he was pedophile
–– Because they lived with him five years and bore him children.

The 281 People, Places and Things Donald Trump Has Insulted on Twitter: A Complete List
–– Needs to be updated every quarter-hour.

For Republicans Abandoning Donald Trump, Obama Has a Message: ‘Too Late’
–– Taint necessarily so.

If Bob Dylan Can Win the Nobel Prize, Why Not Steven Spielberg?
–– Hook?

‘Jessica Jones’ Hires All Women Directors for Season 2, Showrunner Says
–– Producers yell 'cut' to males left dangling.

Jay Z Says He 'Misses The Old Kanye' Following West's Recent Rant
–– The one in diapers who couldn't speak.

Donald Trump Supporters Agree With ‘Rigged Election’ Claims, Poll Shows
–– And jerry-rigged campaign.

Iran’s president criticizes US presidential candidates
–– And you can't even mock him.

Bill Murray accepts humor prize after gentle roast
–– Just singe his right nut.

Miley Cyrus Blames Lyrical Stumble on Being ‘Too Stoned’ at Bill Murray Tribute
–– Crowd provided rocks at door.

Curt Schilling's Trump rally attracts only 15 people
–– Shilling off his game.

Paul Ryan Could Be Ousted In 4 Weeks, Lame Duck Would Be In Chaos
–– Daffy would preside over roll call.

UN: Opium production skyrockets in Afghanistan
–– Case of poppy love.

In Venezuela, impeachment move prompts protest at National Assembly
–– Maduro told hungry protesters it meant getting rid of all peaches.

Trump urges supporters to vote in GOP Congress
–– If you really like what you’ve seen.

Obama: Issa 'not somebody who is serious about working on problems'
–– Especially his own mental issues.

Why Merrick Garland should keep hoping
–– Just look at the Cubs.

Bourdain: 'I woke up to a London blinking in shock'
–– ‘After slicing too many onions.’

China’s Antigraft Enforcers Take On a New Role: Policing Loyalty
–– Xi-whiz!

Donald Trump Pledges to ‘Heal Divisions’ (and Sue His Accusers)
–– And divide heels.

Singer kneels in protest during national anthem at Miami Heat game
–– Charged with trippin'.

Top LGBT Republican group declines to endorse Trump
–– Or explain how they're Republicans.

Trump: Clinton 'running against all of the American people'
–– ‘Who are…am me.’

Emu lassoed on Arizona highway
–– Then tased, shot, deported to Australia.

Trump says he'll sue sexual misconduct accusers
–– Wants them to feel long arm of law.

Adult film star latest to accuse Trump
–– Debbie Does Dumbass?

Clarence Thomas' Supreme Court legacy
–– ZZZZZZzzz.

Nobel academy member calls Bob Dylan 'impolite and arrogant'
–– ‘Who does he think he is? A Swede?’

Australian swimmer thanks fan who raised alarm over mole
–– He didn’t see it gaining in lane three.

Philippines not really severing ties with US, Duterte says
–– Clarifies statement: ‘Not yet, you sons of whores.’

Week of 10/21/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Duterte’s Flip-Flop Into Bed With China Is a Disaster for the United States
–– In latest slang for diplomatic felching.

Can Paul Ryan and the GOP be saved?
–– Why bother?

One classification upgrade in new batch of Clinton emails released by State Dept
–– From Who cares? to BFD.

Trump again casts doubt on US institutions in questioning general's case
–– Calls Uncle Sam 'loser'.

Tiger Woods Doesn’t Regret Cheating on Ex-Wife Elin Nordegren
–– 'Those golf whores were dynamite.'

Pakistan bans all Indian TV and radio as tensions mount
–– Bollywon't.

Is Madonna’s ‘Oral Sex for Hillary Votes’ Offer Even Legal?
–– Or mealy-mouthed?

Inside the 'Doctor Strange' Premiere with Benedict Cumberbatch, Tilda Swinton and Ken Bone
–– A Bone throws them.

Oprah Winfrey on Hillary Clinton: "You Don't Have to Like Her"
–– "Me, I need your unconditional love."

Wells Fargo employees on the front lines say they were so stressed, they were chugging hand sanitizer and having anxiety attacks
Thought they'd come clean.

Jennifer Garner, Devoted Mom, Schleps Her Daughter's School Project in a Sexy Dress
–– Hopes assignment won't be slut shamed.

Investigator Claims 'Ufo Wreckage' Is Evidence Aliens Visited The Earth 250,000 Years Ago
–– Claims Rudy Giuliani evidence they stayed.

'I'm the victim,' Iowa teacher who had sex with student says on 'Dr. Phil'
–– 'His technique stunk.'

Donald Trump's national political director 'steps back' from campaign
–– Desperately seeking shadows.

Christie Aide Testifies She Thought Bridge Lane Closings Were a Traffic Study
–– And stalled cars would turn into pumpkins at midnight.

Bernie Sanders voters look for a path forward in New Hampshire
–– On nature trail in their hippie skirts, Birkenstocks and tie-dyed bandanas.

Widespread Internet outage knocks out popular sites like Reddit, Twitter and Netflix
–– Sporadic outbreaks of human contact reported.

Trump booed as he rips into Clinton at Catholic charity dinner
–– Crucifies her.

Archbishop Tim Dolan: Trump and Clinton prayed together before Al Smith Dinner
–– For each other's demise.

Trump: 'Even the polls are crooked'
–– Lines are as they snake downward.

London City Airport declared safe after evacuation
–– Boris Johnson's visit to lav cleaned up.

Former Fox and CBS anchor has a new job as a gay porn star and says there's much less pressure in his current line of work 
–– Not in his anchor seat.

Warren Beatty's New Movie Has 16 Credited Producers: "It's Deplorable"
–– “Having that many producers not good, either.”

Warren Beatty Rushes to Assist Man Who Fainted at Screening of His New Movie
–– He’s at stage of career when he only makes thrombotic old men swoon.

Stephen Baldwin Is Not Amused by Brother Alec's Impersonation of Donald Trump
–– Feels he could play hair more convincingly.

‘I am rooting hard for you’: Why a 24-year-old letter between presidents went viral
–– Because Trump will tweet "SAD" when Hillary wins.

This may be Trump’s Plan B
–– Abort unwanted campaign.

Your mouth is linked to migraines
–– Mine.

Postal worker is caught on video dumping bin after bin of mail in the woods
–– Hello, New-man!

‘You can't polish this turd' -- Van Jones on Trump suggesting he may not concede
–– Although his face did look shiny.

Thousands of gay men in UK to be pardoned for now-abolished sex offenses
–– Bent over backwards.

Bill de Blasio on Donald Trump: 'We've seen this before. This is what fascists do'
–– Trump: ‘Hey, Mayor Twinkle-toes, I am totally straight!’

Donald Trump: 'I will totally accept' election results 'if i win'
–– We'll take that as a 'No.'

Good grief! MetLife is dumping Snoopy
–– Beagle threatens dogfight.

Airplane Passengers Fall in Love With Emotional Support Duck Accompanying Owner With PTSD
–– Poultry-traumatic stress disorder.

‘You’re practically crying!’ Joe Scarborough and Bill Kristol get heated
–– After third debate, we’re all practically crying.

Donald Trump Uses Final Debate to Double-Down on Claim That Emmys Were "Rigged"
–– And says he's still sore Nobel Committee didn't award him Peace Prize.

Montana judge defends 60-day sentence in child incest case
–– Claims it was tough for parent being on one's own.

Megyn Kelly Adds Roger Ailes Chapter to Her Forthcoming Book (Report)
–– With pages stuck together.

McCaughey: Trump's Rigged Election Claim May Be True
–– 'And maybe, in an alternate reality, I was elected Governor of New York in '98 and people would pay attention to me without my making utterly asinine statements.'

Ivanka Trump Does Not Believe Election Is Rigged, Says Donald Trump Will Accept Outcome
–– 'If I promise to sit in his lap and sing Father Figure.'

Ivanka Trump Calls BuzzFeed CEO's "Mulatto Cock" Claim a "Total Lie"
–– ‘I said ‘mocha dick’ –– I thought it was a drink at Starbucks!

Amy Schumer Reads Open Letter to Trump Supporters Who Walked Out on Her in Tampa
–– It needed to be translated into moronese.

Vladimir Putin's inspirational 2017 calendar goes on sale in Russia
–– Each month features bare-chested photo and creative suggestion on how to eliminate an enemy.

NBC’s New 'Apprentice' Star Arnold Schwarzenegger Arrives With Trump-Like Baggage
–– Hanging between legs.

Donald Trump Says He’s a ‘Big Fan’ of Hindus
–– 'They're like Muslims without bombs.'

Trump "Pussy" Tapes Triple His Newscast Airtime Over Hillary (Not That She's Complaining)
–– America can’t get enough of cute cat videos.

Why Donald Trump is betting on Nevada
–– Because he’s crapped out in other states.

Curt Schilling to Run for Senate in 2018: Latest Details and Reaction
–– Potential rivals: ‘It bloody socks!’

Drug reverses one baldness type; is male pattern next?
–– Yes, they’ll pay exorbitant amounts for it and say they didn’t.

Scientists discover 'voids' inside Great Pyramid
–– Petrified, in ‘throne room’.

Saudi Arabia executes member of royal family
–– It’s a start.

At Previous Debates, Melania Trump and Bill Clinton Shook Hands. Not Anymore.
–– Not since that handful of vaseline.

Donald Trump Says 'I Don't Think So' When Asked If He's Crossed the Line With Women
–– ‘I was too high on my Frank Booth inhaler to be sure.’

Debate guests: Trump takes Obama's half-brother, Clinton picks Cuban
–– Had Bill Clinton boinked him? Is it Fidel?

Michael Moore Reveals Surprise Donald Trump Film, Opening In New York City Tomorrow
–– Should sway lone undecided wino for Hillary.

Trump in 1989: Tough press coverage doesn't bother me anymore
–– ‘And won’t for another 27 years.’

Benefits of greenhouse gas pact may fall short of high hopes
–– If you have high hopes try huffing.

Donald Trump Says He Might Meet With Putin Before Inauguration
–– To personally accept wish list.

Trump considering post-election TV network
–– Fux News.

Howard Stern Says Replaying All His Donald Trump Interviews "Would Be a Betrayal"
–– And there’s honor among dweebs.

Notorious Donbass warlord Arsen 'Motorola' Pavlov killed by bomb in Donestsk apartment
–– Dumbass?

Sen. McCain Says Republicans Will Block All Court Nominations If Clinton Wins
–– Until number of surviving jurors reaches 2.

Kansas Gov. Brownback wary of tax hike but won't rule it out
–– Afraid to lose title of ‘America’s most unpopular governor’ with bump up in 23% approval rating.

Beyond some nastiness, Colin Kaepernick helped spark something positive in Buffalo visit
–– Left local fans ecstatic after 45-16 drubbing.

Massive million-year-old shark tooth washes ashore after Hurricane Matthew, expert says
–– Talk about your silver linings.

Giuliani pushes conspiracy that Bill Clinton has an illegitimate child, gets fact-checked instantly
–– The bastard.

Threatening calls follow Utah GOP leader’s Clinton love-child claim
–– Rudy Giuliani screaming, 'That's my lie!'

Tepper: One candidate lacks judgment, the other 'demented, narcissistic and a scumbag'
–– Harsh words for Gary Johnson.

Whitey Bulger says he won’t rat to save an innocent man
–– After ratting to save own skin for decades.

Wikileaks: Julian Assange's internet access 'cut'
–– In cyber circumcision.

The Great Barrier Reef is not actually dead
–– Just 'resting'.

Nick Kyrgios banned for not trying in tennis match, urged to see psychologist
–– Might need lob-otomy.

Thousands of 'scrotum frogs' mysteriously dying
–– Sad sacs.

Trump’s new problem: He's becoming a bore
–– Already a boor.

The Kardashians’ Dash Boutique Sued for Discrimination
–– Not in taste.

Hollywood Porn Workers Take to Streets to Protest Condom Measure: "It's Harassment"
–– Reject protection.

James Franco Sued for Allegedly Head-Butting Photographer
–– Preparing for role as Beavis.

Billy Bush Out at ‘Today’ Show
–– NBC gives Bush Brazilian.

Trump Jr. joked about Aurora shooting, Arab stereotypes, overweight people in shock-jock interviews
–– The a-hole doesn't fall far from tree.

Adolf Hitler's birth house to be demolished
–– To make room for luxury bunkers.

Visa CEO quits, says he can't work in San Francisco
–– Visa takes life.

Retired four-star general admits leaking top-secret info to media
–– Brass monkeyed.

World’s oldest panda Jia Jia dies in Hong Kong
–– Zoo seeks pall bearer.

Trump’s supporters talk rebellion, assassination at his rallies
–– Just to lighten mood of his speeches.

How a bathroom break could have doomed Flight MH370
–– Caused dump in ocean?

Sienna Miller May Leave the U.S. if Donald Trump Wins
–– Causing momentary hesitation in responsible voters.

A good hat could change your life. Here's how...
–– If it covers your face.

Local GOP office in North Carolina firebombed
–– Sparks protest.

Giuliani on Trump groping allegations: 'I believe Donald Trump'
–– ‘He just lost his grip.’

Donald Trump's brand is 'plummeting,' biographer says
–– How about America’s?

Donald Trump Accuses Hillary Clinton of Being on Some Kind of Drug During Last Debate
–– She was inoculated against rabies.

‘We Should Take a Drug Test’ Before Debate, Donald Trump Says
–– That’s royal We, buster.

Quintuplets all work in the same McDonald's restaurant
–– Parents humiliated five times over.

Was New Jersey's bipedal bear Pedals killed?
–– And was he bi?

Week of 10/14/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

New sex assault allegations against Trump: 'He was like an octopus’
–– ‘Without the charm.’

Trump: Clinton 'has to go to jail'
–– 'To visit me after I'm convicted.'

Trump, comparing sex to Vietnam, said in 1998 he should receive the Congressional Medal of Honor
–– 'It was Hoochie Minge City, baby!'.

Where’s the Love for Trump? Not in Ads for G.O.P. Candidates
In putting squeeze on female voters.

Donald Trump Assails His Accusers as Liars, and Unattractive
–– Doesn't pussyfoot around.

Among Donald Trump’s Biggest U.S. Fans: Hindu Nationalists
'He is reminding us so much of Ganesha, the elephant god with his four arms grabbing everywhere.'

Tom Hanks Compares Donald Trump to an Imposter Dentist Trying Wing It Through an Invasive Procedure
–– Trying to fill every cavity.

Moonwalking leads to heroin arrest, cops say
–– Jacko nostalgia sure sign of addiction.

Conjoined twins separated in New York
–– Two heads better than one.

Where Women Can’t Drive, 3 Run for Office
–– That's why they're running.

Winnie-the-Pooh gets a new friend
–– A Provincetown bear.

The American Dream: Rich are fearful for its survival, but poor still believe
–– Rich know how they beat shit out of it.

Trump on Lindsay Lohan in 2004: 'Deeply troubled' women are 'always the best in bed'
–– ‘For normal, healthy predators.’

Rudy Giuliani blames the press for Donald Trump's recent problems
–– Right, they did record his every word.

Gingrich: 'Little Trump is frankly pathetic'
–– 'I saw him in locker room.'

Thai King in 'unstable' condition
–– Thai died.

Thailand’s new king is a kooky crop top-wearing playboy
–– Thai sticks.

Saddam Hussein had a secret torture chamber in NYC
–– Called DMV.

Mike Pence answers 11-year-old girl's body image question with pivot to terrorism
–– Because thinking about 11-year-old’s body terrifies him.

Putin ally warns of 'war' if US elects Hillary Clinton
–– Admits it 'won't even be necessary' if Trump wins.

Ex-contestant: Trump inspected each woman before pageant
–– Trump: 'It's called consumer protection!'

London Zoo gorilla scare: Ape escapes enclosure
–– Goes in search of mate Boris Johnson.

New Jersey judge issues criminal summons against Christie over Bridgegate
–– Delivered to troll's lair beneath GW Bridge.

Trump accuser: He touched me 'wherever he could find a landing spot'
–– 'I felt Sullyed.'

Donald Trump threatens to sue New York Times over sexual harassment report
–– Fingers Gray Lady.

Syrian refugee in Germany 'attack plan' kills himself in custody
–– Hope he’s an inspiration to jihadists everywhere.

Grandson has pizza delivered to check on grandma after Hurricane Matthew
–– Sent Chinese takeout when she had stroke.

Florida using 'overwhelming force' to fight flesh-eating screwworms
–– Many, many itsy screw drivers.

The New York Times abandoned its integrity just to bash Donald Trump
–– The New York Post embraced its dishonesty to bash New York Times.

Aly Raisman Designs Socks Featuring Her Parents Nervously Watching Her at the Olympics
–– Yes, sweat socks.

Lindsey Vonn Shares the Hardest Part About Dating Tiger Woods
–– His putter.

Obama to protesters: 'Get your own rally’
–– The Dumball Rally.

The 5 toughest places to be a girl
–– 1. Arms-length of Trump.

Mel Gibson Is No Longer Persona Non Grata in Hollywood
–– Now potato au gratin.

Leonard Cohen says he’s “ready to die”
–– Cohen, Cohen, gone.

‘P—y fights back’: Women protesters storm Trump Tower
–– In cooze celebre.

Gays and Catholicism: Pope’s words open door to confusion
–– Back one.

Poll: Who Does Negan Kill in ‘The Walking Dead’ Season 7 Premiere?
–– And don't you wish it was everyone?

Rod Stewart knighted at Buckingham Palace
–– Do you think I’m Rexy?

500,000 elderly people go missing in China every year
–– Lost in bottow drawer of Politburo.

A tear for a clown: Ronald McDonald to limit appearances after clown scares
–– Yes, he even scares clowns.

Pence chides woman calling for 'revolution' if Clinton wins
–– Realizing they might storm Indiana Governor's office.

Ben Carson on Donald Trump tapes: 'I've heard people talking like that'
–– ‘About me.’

Laverne Cox Teases ‘Rocky Horror’: ‘It’s No Holds Barred’
–– Or holes?

Michele Bachmann on Trump vs. Republican Party: 'This isn't a civil war'
–– ‘Nothing civil about it.’

Donald Trump: 'The shackles have been taken off me'
–– ‘I’m like Mango Unchained!’

Comcast hit with FCC's biggest cable fine ever
–– The Future of Owe Some.

Vladimir Putin snubs France after Syria war crimes comments
–– Posts nyet loss.

Glenn Beck: Hillary Clinton is a 'moral, ethical choice' for Republicans
–– Fans' heads explode, with no apparent effect on their behavior.

Robert De Niro Lays Into Donald Trump (Again), Calls Jon Voight "Delusional"
–– Star of ‘basket of delusionals.’

Is Ralph Lauren Going to Be Hillary Clinton’s Dresser in Chief?
–– Mark o' Polo?

Carrie Fisher Says Donald Trump "Absolutely" Does Cocaine After Another Debate Full of Sniffles
–- Those were snuffles and she’s apparently unfamiliar with breathing habits of Giant Wild Boars.

Ten uses for your body after you die
–– 8. Paper weight.

Reince Priebus on Trump: 'We have a great relationship'
–– ‘Like O.J. and Nicole.’

Philippine President Duterte is using rumors of a sex tape to smear the most outspoken critic of his war on drugs
–– That sounds pretty subtle –– why not just shoot her?

Samsung halts production of troubled Galaxy Note 7 phone
–– Considers fire sale.

Warren Buffett to Trump: 'I have paid federal income tax every year since 1944'
–– Trump to Buffett: ‘Loser!’

Paul Ryan said he won't defend Donald Trump
–– How could he?

Jamie Foxx Blasted by Chess Champ Garry Kasparov as Propagandist for Venezuelan President
–– Check mutt.

Nigel Farage: Donald Trump like a 'silverback gorilla'
–– Chimp should know.

Trump Taj Mahal closes its doors in Atlantic City
–– In what would appear like omen if you were betting man.

Nestlé recalls Drumstick ice cream cones
–– Not enough turkey in treats.

Ryan Lochte is engaged
–– In another publicity stunt.

Donald Trump's mission: Make Clinton's life hell for the next month
–– And then America’s for next 4 years.

Trump looms behind Clinton at the debate
–– To loom behind on Election Day.

Ken Bone Is Closer to Deciding, After Debate
–– Expect Bonehead decision.

Ken Bone leaves seedy comment trail on Reddit
–– Has Bone to pick.

We May Be Leaving the Ken Bone Zone
–– We hardly knew yeesh.

Egypt is getting a new capital - courtesy of China
–– Qi rho.

WikiLeaks posts apparent excerpts of Clinton Wall Street speeches
–– To aid insomniacs.

WikiLeaks’ Assange Fails to Deliver Bombshell, Promises More to Come on U.S. Election, Google
–– Wee-wee leaks.

The 6 Most Explosive New Wikileaks Revelations
–– 6. Pfft., 5. Pfft., 4. Pfft., 3. Pfft., 2. Pfft., 1. Pfffffft.

‘Golden Girls’ Action Figures Take Comic Con by Storm
–– Kvetch Hulk to death.

For Britain’s ‘Brexit’ Bunch, the Party Just Ended
–– Swigged last arsenic-laced gin and tonic.

Philippines President Duterte orders US forces out after 65 years: 'Do not treat us like a doormat'
–– ‘I personally prefer toilet seat.’

Billy Bush knew Donald Trump had talked like a pig, but he didn’t speak up. That’s not a good look for the media.
–– We might stop taking entertainment journalists seriously.

Robert De Niro Blasts "Pig" Donald Trump: " I'd Like to Punch Him in the Face"
–– Porky and Babe file defamation suit against actor.

Lewd Donald Trump Tape Is a Breaking Point for Many in the G.O.P.
–– Experts diagnose multiple fracture.

Giuliani Agrees Trump's Comments Described Sexual Assault: "That's What He Was Talking About"
–– Dabbing drool from his chin.

Nancy O’Dell Responds to Donald Trump’s 2005 Vulgar Comments: ‘I’m Saddened’
–– Nancy Pelosi responds: ‘I’m freakin’ ecstatic!’

Donald Trump to Howard Stern: It's okay to call my daughter a 'piece of ass'
–– ‘As in a part of me.’

John McCain Withdraws Support for Donald Trump After Disclosure of Recording
–– After tortured reasoning.

RNC reportedly pulls resources from Trump after lewd tape surfaces
–– Extracts 4 oz. of iron ore from head.

CNN Commentator Ana Navarro Goes Viral After Repeatedly Quoting Trump's "P—y" Line On-Air
–– Cat actually came and jumped in lap.

Tic Tac to Donald Trump: 'Respect women'
–– Would need hint of lye to freshen that breath.

Trump voters stay loyal: 'I am not voting for him to be pope'
–– Does Hell have pope?

'You're so Vain' singer Carly Simon adapts song as anti-Trump anthem
–– Trump: ‘Well, I always thought that song was about me. And my vainness is fabulous. Ego? Yooooge! See, I did that like Fallon. My self-depreciation is terrific.'

Trump: 'Zero chance I'll quit'
–– Even odds with winning.

Week of 10/07/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Was Recorded in 2005 Bragging About Grabbing Women “by the Pussy”
–– Metaphorically describing his appeal.

Ryan plans to steamroll Democrats with budget tool
–– Isn’t he budget tool?

Billy Bush Says He’s Ashamed by Lewd Talk With Donald Trump
–– Bully Bush.

Donald Trump Apology Caps Day of Outrage Over Lewd Tape
–– Cap reads Make America Great Again and has plastic turd on bill.

US accuses Russia of trying to interfere with 2016 election
–– Would take Doomsday Machine to save Trump.

Donald Trump Holds Make-Believe Town Hall to Prep for Real Debate
–– And make-believe campaign to impress babes for post-election horndogging.

Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos
–– With inscription 'Nice try.'

Joe Buck Details How Hair-Plug Surgery Almost Cost Him Broadcasting Career
–– It was root, root, root for home team.

Backpage CEO arrested on pimping charges
–– Claims he was only trying to increase website sex traffic.

Braves let pitching coach Roger McDowell go. This could mean something.
–– He needs new job.

U.K. pound plunges more than 6% in mysterious flash crash
–– Thump pence.

This pill could make your dog (and maybe you) live longer
Just what we need: more smelly, half-blind, incontinenet mutts (and you.)

Odell Beckham says he'll cut out 'the extra stuff' after reported benching threat
–– Leaving what?

Shepard Smith’s Doomsday Hurricane Matthew Prediction: ‘You and Everyone You Know Are Dead’
–– Was actually referring to Trump supporters.

‘The Voice’ Advisor Sammy Hagar Talks Rock, Respect, and David Lee Roth
–– One of these is not alike.

Vanilla Ice Riding Out Hurricane Matthew at Palm Beach Home, Live Tweets During Storm
–– Storm tries to make landfall at his house.

Fleeing Floridian: The second worst thing you can do in Hurricane Matthew
–– Nude body surf.

Florida governor says state won't extend voter registration, rebuffing Clinton campaign
–– Scott still sore storm didn't wipe out Broward, Miami-Dade counties.

Jesper Parnevik says Tiger Woods is 'flushing everything' in practice
–– What? PEDs?

‘Ferguson effect’? Savagely beaten cop didn’t draw gun for fear of media uproar, says Chicago police chief
–– Cops' only self-defense lesson: Shoot to kill.

Trump will walk back guidance protecting transgender students, Pence confirms
–– In high heels.

Gary Johnson: 'I would sleep well at night' if Donald Trump gets elected
–– Due to prescription meds.

The mass exodus from Puerto Rico may be very good for Hillary Clinton
Expects PR blitz.

A Trump loss would 'upset the verdict of history': Allan Lichtman
–– Apparently a death sentence.

Postmedia journalist Ken Pagan charged with mischief for allegedly throwing beer can at Rogers Centre
–– Toronto police originally sought Dennis the Menace.

Bill Clinton Pardon Recipients Back Trump Over Hillary: 'I Don't Like Her Attitude'
–– So the pot smuggler endorses him.

Human Skull Seen in Eerie Satellite Image of Hurricane Matthew
–– By Bill Clinton pardon recipient’s customers.

Anderson Cooper Out of the Running to be 'Live! With Kelly' Co-Host, Staying With CNN
–– Won’t jack the Ripa.

Trump: Campaign ‘will be the greatest waste of time, money and energy’ if I lose
–– Already is for us.

Official’s ‘fat f–k’ insult infuriated Christie, staffer testifies
–– Preferred ‘plump pr—k’.

Philippines’ President says he'll 'break up' with US, tells Obama 'go to hell'
–– Reveals he’s been cheating with Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping.

Here’s how the U.S. is dealing with Philippines leader Rodrigo Duterte's blitz of rants, insults and ultimatums
–– Trying to negotiate safeword.

US mood hardens as leader of ally Philippines stokes outrage
–– Congress visibly excited.

Philippines jails Canadian for life for selling ectasy
–– Guess you can put price on happiness.

Steven Woolfe: Fellow Ukip MEP Mike Hookem allegedly involved in fight before collapse
–– Was it left Hookem or right?

Thumbs up for double arm transplant
–– Whose?

Nate Parker's Failed Media Tour: Anger, No Remorse and Oprah's Advice Ignored
–– Sort of Trumped-Up trickle down approach.

‘Birth of a Nation' Skywriting Over Hollywood Touts "Nat Turner Lives"
–– And “I didn’t rape her!”

‘Ocean’s Eight’ Starring Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett Gets Release Date
–– Sexist studio won't spring for three more actresses.

Sean Hannity Calls Out Megyn Kelly, Says She ‘Clearly’ Supports Hillary Clinton
–– Oh, Snap!

Trump courts the terminally ill vote
–– Brain dead his natural constituency.

Trump took Polaroids, interviewed models in 1994 Playboy video
–– Before he got mail order bride catalogue.

Comedian Miranda Sings Films Heartbreaking Video Announcing Her Divorce
–– Sings the blues.

Tori Spelling expecting 5th child
–– Will be as embarrassed by her as first 4.

Living donor uterus transplants performed in US
–– Delivery womb.

Kid Cudi: 'Time I fix me' after checking into rehab for depression
–– Death gab for Cudi.

3 Makers of ‘World’s Smallest Machines’ Win Nobel Prize
–– Even after misplacing inventions.

Former WWE Star Alberto Del Rio Posts Graphic Photos After Being Stabbed
–– Pulls a ‘Weiner’.

Barry Bonds 'escalated' into standoffish attitude during MLB career
–– Like his ego was juicing.

This Is Why Prince George Always Wears Shorts
–– Enormous junk.

Sears Selling Craftsman for $2 Billion Likely Won't Keep It Afloat
–– And now they’ll lack tools to build lifeboat.

Nigeria puts two presidential jets up for sale in cost-cutting drive
–– Will keep jackasses in office for now.

JPMorgan CEO Dimon scolds Clinton for attacking 'a whole class of people'
–– Who utterly lack class.

‘Real-life Tarzan’ lived in isolated Vietnam jungle for 40 years
–– And even he knows Trump’s unfit for office.

Jeff Sessions Says Donald Trump Is Considering An Immigrant Self-Deportation Plan
–– Arrived at during implementation of inner circle’s self-abuse plan.

The Benghazi Committee is done, but Trey Gowdy isn’t finished with Hillary Clinton
–– Making life-sized firing range targets from her photo.

Trump Tax Records Obtained by The Times Reveal He Could Have Avoided Paying Taxes for Nearly Two Decades
–– But refused, paying triple what he owed and giving double that amount to charity and they all lived happily ever after.

Giuliani claims Trump 'a genius' for not paying taxes
–– Quote marks his.

Ex-Trump Accountant Speaks Out on Tax Return Controversy: 'I'm the One Who Did All the Work'
–– 'Trump wouldn't know how to turn on a solar-powered calculator.'

Obama’s tragic admission: He’s learned nothing as president
–– Because he never read New York Post to find out he was Satan.

Pence to Kaine at VP debate: ‘You whipped out that Mexican thing again’
–– The green, white and red leather 8-incher studded with milagros.

What’s with all the clowns everywhere? 6 legit possibilities
–– 3. Election season.

Donald Trump Is Tearing The NFL Apart
–– They’re in America, aren’t they?

Al Gore to hit the trail for Hillary Clinton in the coming weeks
–– To tamp down campaign’s dangerously high levels of enthusiasm.

“Beauty treated like a beast”: The backlash against Donald Trump’s fat shaming of Alicia Machado shows how deep our fat phobia goes
–– Deep within flabby folds.

Bill Clinton calls Obamacare 'the craziest thing in the world,' later tries to walk it back
–– A world, remember, that includes Trump.

Indiana town's parade float depicts Clinton in electric chair
–– No one shocked.

Biden on Trump: 'He's not a bad man, but his ignorance is so profound'
–– Proving Biden a terrible judge of badness.

RNC official praises 'Willie Horton-Style' attack ad against Time Kaine
–– It’s about Time.

Man, 59, Arrested for Wearing Clear Plastic Wrap Swim Shorts to the Beach: Cops
–– His asking strangers to ‘look at my jellyfish’ didn’t help.

US Army says Ground Warfare is on the cusp of being fundamentally transformed to become intensely lethal
–– You mean people might actually get hurt?

Book details how Team Obama schemed to let Hillary skate
–– At Pyeongchang Winter Olympics.

Trump backers realize they’ve been played as WikiLeaks fails to deliver October surprise
–– Trump backers never realize they’re being played.

3 Who Studied Unusual States of Matter Win Nobel Prize in Physics
–– Including Florida and Alaska.

Reagan’s Son Rails Against Trump In Fiery Tweetstorm
–– Not the ballet-dancing, flaming liberal.

Kelly Ayotte Thinks Donald Trump Is A Good Role Model, But She Still Won’t Endorse Him
–– For part of Mussolini.

Black Monday: Polish women strike against abortion ban
–– Non-labor movement.

Trump: 'I'm working for you now, I'm not working for Trump'
–– "He said: 'You're fired'."

Just in time for Taco Day: Chipotle adds chorizo
–– With side of Pepto.

Elena Ferrante's outer defends piece: “All I did was expose a lie”
–– Lays bare outer limits.

‘Zero tolerance' for Ryder Cup hecklers, PGA of America says
–– ‘If we hear ‘em, we’ll put a hole in one.’

Chick-fil-A is beating every competitor by training workers to say 'please' and 'thank you'
–– And ‘sorry, no fags.’

Richie Incognito taunts Bill Belichick after win in New England
–– Why won’t he reveal true identity?!

Did NY Times break the law publishing Trump’s tax return?
–– Punishable by threat of Trump lawsuit.

6 of the most tortured new defenses from Donald Trump’s surrogates
–– 2 of whom should be waterboarded.

Sabotage speculation gathers around SpaceX explosion
–– You Musk be kidding.

Two US diplomats were drugged while attending a conference in Russia last year
–– Needed meth to get through boring sessions.

Florida Man Accidentally Marries His Granddaughter
–– Meant to do it in Georgia.

Obama: 'I see a straight line' from Sarah Palin becoming VP nominee 'to what we see today' with Trump
–– Drawn in crayon.

Kim Kardashian Robbery: Paris Fashion Week Attendees Express Sympathy, Skepticism
–– And complete disinterest.

’Apprentice’ Cast and Crew Recall Donald Trump's Demeaning Sexual Comments to Female Contestants
–– Trump: ‘I don’t understanding demeaning of this.’

14-year-old burned in e-cigarette explosion on Harry Potter ride
–– Or did operator incant "Incendio!"?

Pope warns of 'ideological colonization' in transgender teachings
–– Comment worries textually confused.

NY AG orders Trump Foundation to cease fundraising
–– Trump’s pockets already full.

Georgian Orthodox Church Shuns Pope's Mass
–– No Georgia preach.

Giuliani: Trump is better than a woman in White House
–– Unless she's black in maid's uniform.

Rudy Giuliani's Daughter Is Supporting Hillary Clinton
–– Just to see his head explode.

Giuliani on facing accusations about infidelity: 'Well, everybody does'
–– Including him, incredibly.

Bass Pro Shops buying rival for $5.5B
–– Reels them in.

Trump: Military suicides happen to servicemembers who 'can't handle it'
–– Trump earns Congressional Medal of Horror.

Tesla selling twice as many cars as it was in 2015
–– Boosted by Assisted Suicide Sales Days.

Trump mocks Clinton's stumble
–– Clown hones pantomime skills.

How Stone Age blades are still cutting it in modern surgery
–– At VA hospitals.

Ben Affleck praises Jennifer Garner and says she is 'very good' at maths
–– So is her divorce lawyer which is why he's staying.

Gary Johnson reportedly once asked an aide: 'Who's Harriet Tubman?'
–– Underling: ‘Sounds like the washer woman.’

Britain’s PM will kick off Brexit in early 2017 with 'Great Repeal Bill'
–– And 'Mega Fire Sale' of government assets.

Nicole Kidman on Marrying Tom Cruise at Age 23: ‘I Look Back Now and I’m Like, “What?”’
–– Which is what he said when he saw she didn’t have penis.

Donald Trump Jabs at Clinton’s Marriage: ‘I Don’t Think She’s Loyal to Bill’
–– ‘People are saying she had an affair with Vince Foster, killed him and ate the body. So I hear.'

Female reporter: Trump called me the c-word
–– Trump: “She asked how many lies I’d told, I answered ‘Count.’”

After Trump-Clinton, Vice-Presidential Debate Isn’t Exactly ‘the Return of Elvis’
–– It’s exactly that, as a bloated zombie.

Would the 'Hooters defense' have worked for Trump?
–– This boob’s too big.

Trump on Clinton: 'I can be nastier than she ever can be'
–– Finally, no need for fact-checking.

Bees placed on endangered species list -- a first in the US
–– Qualify for workers’ comp.

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