Headbangers 12/16
Headbangers 11/16
Headbangers 10/16
Headbangers 09/16
Headbangers 08/16
Headbangers 07/16
Headbangers 06/16
Headbangers 05/16
Headbangers 04/16
Headbangers 03/16
Headbangers 02/16
Headbangers 01/16
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 09/30/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Shamed and Angry: The Beauty Contestant Donald Trump Mocked for Her Weight
–– Gave her fat lip.

Did Donald Trump use the word ‘bigly’?
–– And call beauty queen ‘pigly.’

Woody Allen on First TV Series: "It Was Much Harder Work Than a Movie"
–– Same lazy result.

Elon Musk to Tesla employees: NEVER discount a car
Boho snobs HATE deals.

How Making a Murderer's Steven Avery Fell in Love Behind Bars: New Fiancée Says, 'It Was Just Like Magic'
–– 'Like that trick where they stab you while you're trapped in a box, but for real.'

Gary Johnson struggles to name a world leader he respects
–– Or knows the name of.

Weld 'not sure anybody is more qualified than Hillary Clinton' to be president
Positive Gary Johnson isn't.

Watch Obama wait impatiently for Bill Clinton on Air Force One
While he hit on Shimon Peres' widow.

Lee Daniels to make movie musical based on his own life
–– Empire of the Scum.

Pennsylvania mayor pushed to resign after racist Facebook posts
–– And join Trump team.

Debate commission: Trump had audio 'issues'
–– Usual ones when he opens mouth.

Why Obama refuses to say 'radical Islamic terrorism'
Trying to induce Trump embolism.

FBI Director James Comey: 'Don't call us weasels'
–– As he gnaws on vole.

McConnell threatens shutdown to keep corporate political spending secret
–– Warns he’ll hold Elizabeth Warren at gunpoint.

Brave Princess Kate Becomes First Mother in History to Wear All White to Playdate
–– Becoming human diaper.

GOP leaders now want to 'fix' Saudi lawsuit law they just enacted over Obama's veto
–– Now that they've actually read it.

Uncle Si opens up about faith, reveals who he's voting for
Scrooge McDuck.

Chris Christie’s poll numbers have officially reached ‘Nixon territory’
–– And he is a crook.

My divorce lawyer manipulated me into having sex: lawsuit
–– After he dropped briefs.

Carnegie Deli will close at end of 2016
–– With locks and a smear.

Teresa Giudice Says Husband Joe Has Lost 35 Lbs. in Prison by Doing '1,000 Sit-Ups a Day'
–– In latest slang for lap dances.

A Vote for Gary Johnson Is a Vote for Donald Trump
–– And Forrest Gump.

French guy calmly destroys everything in Apple Store with steel ball
–– That came loose from tête.

Israel PM, Abbas shake at Peres funeral
–– Need to turn down AC.

Howard Stern: Trump supported Iraq invasion
–– Makes John Kerry look decisive on topic.

Stolen Van Gogh paintings found after 14 years in raid on Italian mafia group
–– Had been transferred to black velvet.

Why is China buying up the global supply of donkeys?
–– Already own all Republican elephants.

Tim Burton on Lack of Diversity in ‘Miss Peregrine’: ‘Things Either Call for Things, or They Don’t’
–– Asks if black clothes, hair and eye shadow count.

Donald Trump Bashes Alicia Machado Again, Alleging a ‘Sex Tape’ (Without Evidence)
–– 'Evidence? Hey, lookit this boner!'

Michael Ovitz Apologizes For "Unbridled Ambition": "I Was Myopic In My Drive"
–– Myopical drives were popular in 90s.

Philippines President likens himself to Hitler
–– Hitler: ‘Thanks, I think.’

The Detroit News endorses Gary Johnson, abandoning Republicans for first time
–– Only candidate who actually knows less about foreign affairs than Trump.

Rudolph Giuliani Says Donald Trump Bit His Tongue Because Chelsea Clinton Was in the Room
–– And because he likes taste of pork.

Trump advisers weigh putting Christie in charge of debate prep
–– Not certain stage can hold him.

Candidates throw glasses in live debate
–– Make spectacles of selves.

Benedict Cumberbatch gets 'Comfortably Numb'
–– Another prick in The Wall.

Stars Getting Rich Off Fan Conventions: How to Take Home "Garbage Bags Full of $20s"
–– For starring in $200,000,000 bags of garbage.

CPSC Issues Warning After Reports Some Samsung Washing Machines Exploded
–– When Galaxy Note7 phones were left in jeans pockets.

Giuliani: Trump Should Consider Skipping Next Two Debates
–– Like he did first one.

Home Depot pulls controversial ‘Scary Peeper' Halloween decoration after complaint
–– Peeper asks to be pulled 'rhythmically'.

The Iraqi housewife who 'cooked the heads' of ISIS fighters
–– With Daesh of salt.

Tim Tebow hit a home run in his first professional at-bat
–– Jesus caught it in heaven.

Colin Kaepernick: Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton are 'proven liars'
–– And his views on TPP? Nuclear disarmament? The Ivory-Billed Woodpecker?

NBC Greenlights ‘Little Big Shots’ Spinoff With Elderly Contestants
–– Old Totally Shots.

Pepe the Frog designated a hate symbol by ADL
–– Not of French.

Gary Johnson: Take a Deep Breath, Voters. There Is a Third Way.
–– To utterly waste your vote.

Playboy Features Hijab for the First Time
–– After numerous hanjabs.

Lin-Manuel Miranda on Why Donald Trump ‘Made Me Sick To My Stomach’
–– ‘My ears work.’

Woman who allegedly assaulted McDonald’s employee for working too slowly is sent to prison
–– Cellmate tells her, ‘You deserve a break today.’

Judge Nap: It Appears FBI Was Told to Exonerate Hillary 'at All Costs'
–– ‘Here, on the cue card Fox provided me.’

The head of Hezbollah has found someone he hates even more than Israelis
–– Was sent link to goop.com.

Little Girl with Rare Disease and Her Service Dog Have a Special Friendship: 'I Pretty Much Love Everything About Him'
–– 'Except the heartworm he gave me.'

Hillary Clinton Pans Donald Trump's 1st Debate Performance: 'He Made It Very Clear That He Didn't Prepare'
–– C’mon, the hair took hours.

Tribune Media Completes Three Real Estate Sales for $430M
–– It’s intellectual property listed at $430.

Panic, Anxiety Spark Rush to Build Luxury Bunkers for L.A.'s Superrich
–– As long as they’re permanently sealed.

Andrea Tantaros Refuses ‘Seven Figure’ Settlement Offer from Fox News to Drop Harassment Case
–– Ironically, Ailes rated her figure a seven.

Madonna, Katy Perry get naked for voting
–– Exposing hanging chads.

‘I was holding back,' Trump says
–– ‘Didn’t want to show up a girl.’

Tyson recalls 130,000 pounds of chicken nuggets
–– 130 pounds of which are actually chicken.

Rudy Giuliani calls Hillary Clinton 'too stupid' to be president because she didn't know of her husband's affair
–– Was his ex-wife ‘too stupid’, too?

Texas prisons ban books by Langston Hughes and Bob Dole - but 'Mein Kampf' is OK
–– Especially popular in Rudy Giuliani audio version.

Drug lord Guzman 'serene' as extradition ruling looms
–– That weed was some awesome shit.

Glenn Beck reacts to Cruz's praise for Trump's debate performance: 'I think my head is going to explode'
–– ‘Again.’

Bucks’ president calls Milwaukee “segregated, racist place”
–– Buck stops there.

Tonight will be rough for everyone, Collins says Mets will be respectful
–– So damn respectful Miami won 7 to 3.

‘They put us through hell’: A Marine abused at boot camp explains why he spoke out
–– 'I thought Parris Island would have a certain joie de vivre.’

‘Where Art Thou,' Lester Holt? Presidential Debate Moderator's Conspicuous Silence Is Met with Mixed Reviews
–– Dumbstruck like the rest of us.

Samsung customer says his new Note 7 phone burst into flames
–– Samsung: ‘But flames are 40% less hot and way more dazzling.’

Zach Galifianakis Says Donald Trump Won’t Be on ‘Between Two Ferns’ Because He’s ‘Mentally Challenged’
–– Could interview third fern instead.

New California IMDb Age Law Probably Unconstitutional, Experts Say
–– Performers admonished to 'age your act.'

Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts Separating After 11 Years Together
–– Brangelina copy cats!

Arizona High School Boys Soccer Team Refuses to Play Against Team with Girls
–– Fear ‘getting cooties.’

Extremist Gets 9-Year Sentence Over Destroyed Shrines in Timbuktu
–– A slap in deface.

Trump’s sniffles spawn social media memes
–– Running for orifice.

Campaign manager: Trump does not believe climate change is man made
–– Many do not believe he occurred naturally.

Trump complains about debate mic
–– Was trying to turn self off.

Kids take knee at anthem, get threats
–– Of other knee in groin.

Japan: Bullet train with snake on board makes emergency stop
–– Samuel L. Jackson boards.

Water plumes on Jupiter's moon?
–– Sure, why not?

First Presidential Debate: The Little Things That Can Mean a Lot
–– Like Trump’s dick?

Wanda Opens New China Theme Park Amid Battle for Dominance With Disney
–– It’s no Wanda.

Kellyanne Conway on accusation that Trump lied: ‘A lie would mean that he knew’
–– She's with Stupid.

Erin Andrews to miss 'Dancing With the Stars'
–– But not vice versa.

Powerful image of Michelle Obama embracing George W. Bush at museum opening goes viral
–– She stopped him from shuckin' and grinnin'.

Fined for crack block vs. Saints, Odell Beckham Jr. facing suspension if he's flagged again
–– And team really needs some rock.

Gennifer Flowers Will Reportedly Not Attend Debate as Hillary Clinton Remains Unfazed
–– Promises her faze time.

Cafeteria Manager Sheds 100 Pounds Eating Kids' Menu
–– Printed on lo-cal 24 lb bond.

Amy Schumer Had the Best Reaction to Being Caught on the Kiss Cam at a Mets Game
–– Bussed a move.

Andy Richter Is 'Eternally Grateful' His Wife Aborted His Child
–– Team Cuckoo.

Tampa man shoots a father, calls 'stand your ground' hotline
–– And NRA to see if he earned prize.

Al Sharpton’s daughter sues city over foot injury she hiked with
–– Foot injury carried backpack.

Consider waiting to get flu shot
–– OK, ten years?

Syria boasts about Aleppo nightlife
–– 'It’s a blast.'

New car sparks internet outrage
–– Features automatic transgression.

The First Women's Self Defense Studio in the Middle East
–– Teaching jihad jitsu.

Bacteria may help you lose weight
–– You shitting me?

NC law to limit release of police tapes
–– Unless taken in same-sex bathroom.

Wells Fargo workers: Fake accounts began years ago
–– Citing proud tradition.

Blame Hollywood for President Trump
–– Does Satan run a studio?

When jazz stopped being cool
–– When CNN had to explain it to me.

Syria airstrikes kill 85 people in Aleppo amid diplomatic row
–– Diplomatic row was destroyed months ago.

Debate coach: Expect Clinton vs. Trump to be an Olympic battle of wits
–– He's half-right.

Could another person's feces help you lose weight?
–– By making you puke?

Lunch lady eats this, loses 100 lbs.
–– Her own ‘ex-lax’ meatloaf for a month.

Pippa Middleton: Royal photos reportedly stolen in iCloud hack
–– Some with her pippa fully exposed.

New York Times editorial board endorses Clinton for president
–– Trump threatens suit.

Bridge Case Culprit Says Christie and Ex-Aides Used Port Authority as ‘Goody Bag’
–– Christie popped traffic cones like candy corn.

Week of 09/23/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

South Korea reveals it has a plan to assassinate Kim Jong Un
–– Polonium 210 hairspray.

Weiner under federal investigation
–– Whose?

NBA to Crack Down on Hits to the Groin, Traveling in 2016-17 Season
–– Won't get far after groin hit.

Kurds Can Take Raqqa But They Can’t Stay, Says Top U.S. General
–– Off their Raqqa.

Rupert Murdoch's Annual Fox Pay Rises to $34.6M
–– Rewarded for not yet pinching Megyn Kelly.

Will O.J. Simpson, Steven Avery & Adnan Syed Be Freed?
–– In Suicide Squad II?

Luxembourg foreign minister: Hungary should leave EU
–– Hunxit.

Stephen Hawking: If aliens call, we should be 'wary of answering'
Claim we can't come to door.

Ryan Murphy Talks 'Glee' Days: There Were 'a Lot Of People Sleeping Together'
–– Nodding off on couch watching.

Amber Rose: 'I Could F-- Anybody I Want At Any Time, But It's Boring'
–– Quoting Trump.

Suicidal man talked off bridge via hatred of Cowboys
–– So we know he's sane.

Tulsa Police Officer Shares Her Side of the Story in Terence Crutcher's Shooting
–– 'You had to be there.'

Man convicted of assaulting wife's heroin supplier with baseball bat
–– Swinging at high speedball.

Squashed Emirates Airline gold member sues for suffering fat man 'spillover'
–– On flight to Abu Flabhi.

Identical twin drops bombshell: I committed murder, not my brother
–– Auditioning for Dateline.

Monty Python's Terry Jones diagnosed with rare dementia
After years of fine madness.

Ted Cruz expected to endorse Donald Trump
–– In case you had lingering shred of grudging respect.

Yahoo Says Hacker Stole Data on At Least 500 Million Users
–– Ya-whaaa!!??

Nearly 1.5 million without power in Puerto Rico
–– Including Governor.

Disney halts sales of Moana costume after racism claims
–– A chorus of moaners.

Angelina dumped Brad after private eye uncovered Marion Cotillard affair
–– Playing Pitt-a-pat.

LAPD: Brad Pitt Not Investigated for Child Abuse
–– Will consider charges of breaking America’s heart.

Brangelina split: What we know and don't know
–– And what we made the fuck up.

Brad Pitt’s Side of the Story: He ‘Did Not Hit’ His Child as Plane Fight with Angelina Jolie ‘Got Out of Hand,’ Says Source
–– Out of hand he did not lay on child.

What Films Are Next for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt After Their Split
–– Flight Club, Broken, Mr. & Mrs. Smithereens.

Earth smashes yet another heat record; 16th month in a row
–– Rival Hell sweating.

Did a Royal Canadian Mint employee use his butt to smuggle out gold nuggets the size of small muffins?
–– Or is Dunkin' Donuts serving 14-carat Munchkins?

Florida AG defends decision to take money from Trump
–– 'It's what whores do!'

Law Professor Says Trump Has Already Committed Impeachable Offenses
–– And crimes against humanity.

After middle-finger salute, Philippines' Duterte asks EU 'Why insult me?'
–– EU moons him out of respect.

Black Dallas police officer sues Black Lives Matter on behalf of ‘Christians, Jews and Caucasians,’ others
–– #OthersLivesMatter not trending.

Marcia Clark Finally Has a Moment to Savor at the Emmys
–– Jury out on that.

This is why Donald Trump’s tax returns haven’t been leaked
–– Julian Assange has UTI.

Let’s hope Paul Ryan told Ivanka Trump these 20 hard truths
–– 10. ‘My abs, baby.’

New report finds 'Erin Brockovich' chemical in US drinking water
–– Runoff from her makeup routine.

ISIS suspected of mustard attack against US and Iraqi troops
–– Mustard gas in the observatory with a bomb.

Don King Uses Racial Epithet in Introducing Donald Trump
–– Did not refer to him as ‘my ni**er.’

FX Chief on Network's 18 Emmy Wins: "We Made the Right Sacrifices"
–– Virgin ewes, red-headed infants.

Singer Ray LaMontagne cancels UT-Austin show over campus carry law
–– Draws a blank.

U-2 crashes in Northern California
–– And they weren't even scheduled to appear.

Jimmy Fallon Gives Hillary Clinton Literal Softballs on ‘The Tonight Show
–– His?

In Trump Follow Up, Jimmy Fallon Wears Surgical Mask For Hillary Clinton
–– If only to muffle his incessant cackling.

A lanky, golden-haired caricature of Noah Syndergaard graces this week's New Yorker cover
–– A Thor loser.

Anthony Bourdain and MMA Fighter Wife Have Separated
–– Bourdain’s vast ego to be named co-respondent.

North Carolina's governor planted questions from fake reporters to avoid talking about the state's 'bathroom law'
–– Stalls.

German goalkeeper arrested after conceding 43 goals in one game
–– In net neutrality case.

GOP dupes small donors to fund Trump's campaign
–– Big donors dupe selves.

Anticipating debate, Trump says he thinks system rigged
–– ‘I think it’s terrible –– they expect me to quote ‘facts’!’

McConnell, call out Trump's 'rigged election' comments
–– McConnell: 'OK, Rigged Election!!!'

Does your favorite restaurant serve too many antibiotics?
–– And Chipotle not enough?

George H.W. Bush for Hillary? A spokesman isn't saying
–– Would give her one old white guy.

Harry Potter's old house is for sale
–– If you care to sit a spell.

Trump Jr. likens Syrian refugees to Skittles
–– His family to Gummi worms.

The son of a Chinese billionaire bought his dog eight iPhone 7s
–– For sexting.

UK zoo offers to save 'world's saddest polar bear' from Chinese aquarium
–– And place him in enclosure with Boris Johnson.

Donald Trump retreats to friendly media ground
–– TASS.

Donald Trump on Debating Hillary Clinton: "If She Treats Me With Respect, I Will Treat Her With Respect"
–– Added: ’The twat.’

Kaepernick creates friction in hometown
–– Lights campfire.

The anatomy of a white, working-class Trump voter
–– Note tiny cranium.

Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway called the American people ‘pigs,’ still blasts Clinton as ‘offensive’ 
–– Citizens threaten to sooey in court of law.

North Carolina woman, 45, arrested for having sex with 25-year-old son
–– Cum to mama.

How Pop Culture Wore Out Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’
–– How pop culture critics wear out us.

Eggo waffles recalled amid listeria fears
–– Leggo my uggh-o.

TV Ratings: Emmy Awards Hit All-Time Low Up Against Sunday Night Football
–– Lose to fans of real diversity.

Uh Oh: Donald Trump Just Smashed the Small-Dollar Donation Record for Republicans
–– Tiny brains, small dollars.

Captured NYC-area bombing suspect had been spotted sleeping in NJ bar doorway
–– Apparently bombed.

New York Resident Recalls Discovering Second Bomb: I Thought It Was a Kid's Science Project
–– 'Or my wife's lost pot roast.'

‘Keep an Eye on Him,’ Ahmad Khan Rahami’s Father Says He Told F.B.I.
'The blind one.'

Hillary Clinton Addresses Bombings
–– They refuse to listen.

Martin Shkreli tweets plans to sexually torture suspect in Chelsea, N.J. bombings with ‘spiked hammer’
–– The one metaphorically used on Daraprim users.

Chris Christie Knew About Bridge Lane Closings as They Happened, Prosecutors Say
–– Ignore his laneass excuses.

Former Christie allies on trial for Bridgegate scandal 'bragged' to N.J. governor about traffic in Fort Lee, prosecution says
–– What else did they have to be proud of?

Donald Trump Stands by Chris Christie Despite Revelations in Bridge Closing Trial
–– Poised to push him in river.

What’s Larry King Doing on Kremlin-Financed TV?
–– And does he know he is?

Why that scuzzy ATM in the back of your favorite dive bar is about to disappear
–– Scumbags at the counter about to boost it.

Amal Clooney takes ISIS to trial over human trafficking, genocide
–– ISIS represented by Jihad Johhnie Cochran.

If Clinton Pick Tim Kaine Was Vice President, Here's What Could Happen to the U.S. Economy
–– Exactly what could happen if garden gnome was veep.

Kasich team: He will not be 'bullied' by Priebus
–– In latest slang for ‘Red State reach-around.’

Cop who shot and killed unarmed man handed big loss by federal appeals court
–– Not as big as victim's, but…

Questions about Hillary Clinton’s health are soaked in gender bias
–– Pneumonia does cause sweats.

Meet the little girl who was born the size of a barbie
–– Shrimp on the barbie.

10 Classic Pickups That Deserve to Be Restored
–– 4. ‘You come here often?’

Ivanka Trump's Three Little Kids Cuddling in Their Pajamas Are Just the Cutest
–– The ones with rainbow swastikas.

Bobby Brown Shares Sweet Tribute to Bobbi Kristina After Nick Gordon Was Found Liable For Her Death
–– And encouragement to Gordon: ‘I been there, homey.’

Buhari under fire over Obama speech plagiarism
–– Not from Michelle.

Trump campaign manager says Trump’s pre-campaign positions do not matter
–– #bleakliesmatter.

Emmys: Jill Soloway Compares "Dangerous Monster" Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
–– Her loyalties Transparent.

John Oliver Calls Reporter ‘Dad’ for Asking About Responsibility
–– Calls another 'a mother.'

Martha Stewart: 'I'm voting for Hillary Clinton'; Trump 'totally unprepared'
–– 'Like orangutan hosting gala for Queen.'

Christie falsely claims Trump hadn't talked 'birther' for years
–– He was birthering with pride.

Kremlin Praises Oliver Stone's 'Snowden' as "Brilliant" and "a Must-See"
–– Just want Western audiences to suffer.

Washington Post criticized for opposing Snowden pardon
–– By Putin.

Donald Trump Threatens to Sue 'The New York Times' for "Irresponsible Intent"
–– While we're making shit up, here are some non-existent charges.

Apple Watch 2's new bells and whistles
–– Designed for Keystone Kops.

First child dies by euthanasia in Belgium
–– Treated like youth in Asia.

This YouTube star makes $1,800 a month reviewing fast food
–– Half goes to health insurance co-pays.

Robert Gates: Trump 'beyond repair'
–– Calls dreck support.

Edward Albee, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? playwright, dies aged 88
–– Well, Albee damned.

Week of 09/16/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

People Are Justifiably Infuriated With How Jimmy Fallon Handled Trump
–– Know muss, know fuss.

Russia is seriously running out of cash
–– In deep truble.

Hitler-Joke Historian on How Late-Night Comics Should Handle Trump

100-Year-Old Tortoise Fathers 800 Offspring in Fight to Save Species
–– At least that's what he tells the ladies.

Man Who Attacked Cop With Meat Cleaver Was Angry About His Car Being Booted
–– Might end up in chop shop.

Julian Assange says he'll turn himself in if Obama pardons Chelsea Manning
–– Into Julianne.

Bob Schieffer: The most important advice I can give to debate moderators
–– Try not to laugh.

No pork, no lard for these Hong Kong mooncakes
–– They still expand your mooncakes.

Trump: "Hillary's Bodyguards Should Drop All Weapons. Let's See What Happens To Her"
–– Another disarming comment.

Trump goes after Flint pastor who interrupted him for attacking Clinton in church
–– Doesn't give a flock.

Donald Trump Again Won’t Acknowledge Obama Was Born in U.S.
–– The only policy he hasn’t flip-flopped on.

Trump Drops False ‘Birther’ Theory, but Floats a New One: Clinton Started It
–– Flip-flopped on flip-flopping.

Why Donald Trump’s ‘Birther’ Lie Collapsed
–– People asked 'Kenya believe it?'

You can now buy a real D-Day tank
–– And get like all Normandy, bitch.

US says it killed new ISIS information minister in drone strike
–– Think he got message.

Mark Cuban Offers Donald Trump $10 Million For One-On-One Interview With "No One Else In The Room to Help"
–– In game of H-O-R-S-E-S-A-S-S.

DeAndre Hopkins Fined for Wearing Yeezy Cleats
–– Cited for roughing the kicks.

Trump makes major changes to his tax plan
–– When told he has one.

U.S. formally recalls Samsung Galaxy Note 7
–– Includes flame-retardant RSVP card.

The iPhone 7 hits stores -- but some models are already sold out
–– Ones that appear in their ads.

Hand, foot and mouth disease outbreak strikes Florida State University
–– Out-of-touch doctors don't take steps to speak out.

Jonah Hill Cancels Appearances After French Comedian Humiliates Him
–– Turns camera on during interview.

Princess Diana's Niece Is Following in Her Aunt's Generous Footsteps
–– She wears clown shoes.

North Korea mocks US bomber flight: 'They are bluffing that B-1Bs are enough for fighting an all-out nuclear war'
–– In latest bit of Kimprov.

North Korea makes rare public appeal for flood relief
–– ‘Please be generous so help to give or we bomb shit from you.’

My daughter’s lunchbox is the source of my secret shame
–– Packed dildo instead of banana.

Donald Trump Reportedly Told Peter Thiel He Would Nominate Him To The Supreme Court If Elected
–– Where he could vote in favor of death penalty for Nick Denton.

Trump son: America can't handle seeing Trump's 12,000-page tax return
–– Accustomed to only one or two outrageous lies per day.

Reid: Trump is a 'human leech' who will bleed US
–– ‘Human??!’

Donald Trump pledges 4% growth
–– In hair volume.

Donald Trump campaign releases medical information, cites 'stamina'
–– He has been jerking us off for 30 years.

Donald Trump Checkup Said to Reveal He Is Overweight
–– Wouldn’t need checkup of your eyes to reveal that.

Heavy smoker John Boehner joins tobacco company's board
–– And made honorary Chairman of Jack Daniel’s Distillery.

Ricky Schroder and wife split after 24 years
–– News that barely even interests their four children.

Ivanka got Trump leave policy wrong?
–– Doesn’t remember how he dumped her mother?

Chinese tycoon who bought Grindr paying wife more than $1 billion in divorce
–– She’s putting him through grindr.

Museum under fire for quiz on male, female brains
–– Took neither to create.

Obama to create first US Atlantic marine monument
–– Floats idea.

Burke Ramsey Dismisses Theory That Mom Killed Sister JonBenét: 'It Doesn't Make Sense'
–– ‘And lunatics always make sense.’

Hillary Clinton doesn't want to talk about Colin Powell's emails
–– Will respond in email you can hack.

Powell: Trump is 'an international pariah'
–– Trump: 'First time I've been compared to man-eating fish.'

COLIN POWELL: Donald Trump 'has no sense of shame'
–– Trump: 'I'm all about dollars, not sense.'

Carl Icahn: Here's why I'm supporting Trump for president
–– ‘I’m old and senescent.’

Arrest warrant issued in assault of woman, 69, at Donald Trump N.C. rally
–– Not Hillary Clinton.

Melania Trump releases letter from immigration attorney
–– Says she'll be 'legalest person ever elected First Lady.'

Fans stream Nelly to help him pay off $2.4 million debt
–– He's Nelly bankrupt.

Wells Fargo CEO is 'sorry' -- but he's not stepping down
–– Know thyself.

Donald Trump backs out of Dr. Oz stunt at last minute and will not disclose results of his physical
–– His mental on disturbing display.

Albert Kumin, Pastry Chef for Carter White House and Top New York Restaurants, Dies at 94
–– Secret of what was favorite spice taken to grave.

Musk: This will make Tesla the safest car
–– That previously committed murder.

Lawmaker who opposed universal helmet law dies in motorcycle crash
–– At intersection of Irony and Karma.

How 'Hotel Rwanda' Director Terry George Tackled the Armenian Genocide in 'The Promise'
–– Lower body block.

Oliver Stone Unhappy with Obama and Says Surveillance "In the Hands of the Wrong President, It's Very Dangerous"
–– Wished more viewers surveilled his movies.

Edward Snowden: Why Obama should pardon me
–– 'I've already been subjected to Oliver Stone treatment.'

20 kids on burning school bus
–– Practicing for next year’s Burning Man.

Jeffrey Katzenberg and Son Host Massive Shabbat Dinner at Burning Man
–– For the Bernie man.

Ryan Lochte Rushed by Audience Members as 'Dancing With the Stars' Cuts to Commercial
–– Who he claims held gun to head.

Adam Jones Calls Baseball a 'White Man's Sport' When Discussing Colin Kaepernick
–– Ghost of Ty Cobb: 'Damn right, boy.'

Does Clinton have a body double?
–– No, your granma is just trying on pantsuit.

Dolphins may have a spoken language, new research suggests
–– Not just gibberish in huddle.

Judge to woman in rape case: 'Why couldn't you just keep your knees together?'
–– Why couldn't he just keep dick in pants?

Weight Watchers CEO calls it quits
–– Decides to just pig out.

Trump manager: 'Are you calling him a liar?'
–– ‘It’s about time!’

Russian river turned red by waste
–– Celebrating Revolution.

Wells Fargo clients livid over phoney accounts
–– Did they call them in?

BBC Loses Rights to U.K.’s Most Popular Show ‘The Great British Bake Off’
–– That’s the way crumpet crumbles.

10 Disturbing Facts About The Woman Who Inspired Dracula
–– 8. Had popular blood bath product line.

Stock flameout for Samsung
–– Market using Samsung batteries.

’South Korea prepares for 'worst case scenario' with North Korea
–– Might blanket Pyongyang with flaming Galaxy Note7s.

Austria election re-run to be postponed 'due to glue problem'
–– Situation characterized as ‘sticky.’

Gen. John Allen Refutes Trump's Claim That Generals 'Reduced to Rubble'
–– Citing a rock policy.

Fair to blame Bruce Arians for Cardinals' late loss to shorthanded Patriots
–– Blame him if Clinton loses to shorthanded Trump?

This daughter of illegal immigrants climbed the ranks at Goldman Sachs
–– At Goldman Sachs, Pablo Escobar’s offspring would be nice fit.

Philippines Foreign Minister: We can't be US' 'little brown brother' forever
–– Duterte: 'Those sons of bitches treat us like tiny turd!'

Duterte says he wants U.S. special forces out of southern Philippines
–– 'We don't want any witnesses.'

Sick of sea piracy, Philippines' president proposes feeding pirates to sharks
–– In pool next to piranha pond in private lair.

Pastor: black apostolics don't believe in female presidents
–– But do believe there's God that allows Trump to exist.

David Cameron resigns from UK Parliament
–– Brexit or Brown-nose Exit.

Man Sentenced To 42 Years for Killing Ex-Girlfriend`s Mother, Dog After Breakup
–– Thought you weren't supposed to speak ill of dead.

Gene Simmons' son following in his footsteps
–– As walking joke.

Sniper takes out ISIS executioner from a mile away
–– Too shy to make date face-to-face.

Tesla to roll out autopilot update
–– Will likely get lost on way to customer.

Where is Melania Trump?
–– The one with big boobs next to Waldo.

Crazy Eddie founder and fraudster Eddie Antar dies at 68
–– His pyres are in-sane!

Rob Lowe to NFL: Don't Let Players Disrespect the National Anthem on 9/11
–– Wreak brain damage with reverence.

Hillary Clinton’s Doctor Says Pneumonia Led to Abrupt Exit From 9/11 Event
–– The pneumonic drill.

Donald Trump Sends Hillary Clinton a ‘Get Well’ Message for Her Pneumonia
–– Laced with ebola.

Chelsea Manning begins hunger strike
–– Manning up.

Internet swoons over pics of Obamas
–– Internet really needs meds.

Colombia’s FARC rebels release child soldiers in potential peace deal
–– Let loose at paint ball party.

Reagan shooter John Hinckley Jr. released from hospital
–– Applies for Jody Foster care.

'Basket' case: Clinton regrets 'generalistic deplorables' jibe as Trump supporters pounce
–– Actually 'universalistic deplorables.'

Week of 09/09/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump says Putin 'a leader far more than our president'
–– 'I'd follow him anywhere.'

Why Hajj will be more muted
–– Weary throngs stampeded-out.

Putin stronger leader than Obama? It's 'inarguable,' says Pence
–– Because you can’t argue with Trump.

Lewandowski joins Trump in calling Putin stronger than Obama
–– Little Sir Ecch-o.

Graham says Trump’s Putin stance ‘unnerves me to my core”
–– ‘Makes me swoon, I do declare!’

Trump: Clinton could shoot somebody and not be arrested
–– 'And that's my shtick.'

Obama: 'Gaps of trust' hamper Syria deal with Russia
–– 'Gaps' the size of bomb craters in Aleppo.

DNA reveals cause of London's Plague
After swab of Boris Johnson's saliva.

Texas mattress store closes after 9/11 'Twin Tower sale' commercial sparks threats
No longer offering Oh Mama! Bed Laidin.

Clinton: Half of Trump supporters are in 'basket of deplorables'
–– Wielded by Bastard of Deplorables.

Great sex linked to heart disease for older men but not women
–– In study conducted by tired wives.

Geraldo Rivera Apologizes for Defending Roger Ailes: ‘I Am Filled With Regret’
–– That could just be more shit.

‘What Is Aleppo?’ Gary Johnson Asks, in an Interview Stumble
–– Syrian slang for ‘you’re toast.’

NASA launching spacecraft to intercept asteroid
–– Space agency rockin' it.

'Galactic fossil' of early Milky Way discovered
–– Larry King's first kidney stone.

Hillary Clinton Does Impression of Pro-Trump ISIS Militant on Israeli TV
–– So good, al-Baghdadi invites her to join harem.

UK: Work to begin on Calais wall to stop Channel migrants
–– 'We'll make penniless Syrians pay for it.'

Do These California Kids Have Leprosy?
–– Or are really desperate to be excused from math?

Teen Allegedly Sets Fire to Car She Thought Was Her Ex-Boyfriend's - It Wasn't
–– Was carrying a torch.

U.S. House Republicans to discuss whether to impeach IRS chief
–– For doing job, applying tax law.

Lauer, as Moderator, Presses Clinton but Surrenders to Trump
–– Forgets safe word.

Behind the scenes, NBC execs concede Matt Lauer forum performance was "disaster"
–– First accurate reporting from news division this year.

Donald Trump’s Campaign Guru: Bill Clinton Did 9/11
–– And Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky.

Trump: I don't give a specific ISIS plan because I don't want enemies to know it
–– Enemies in my head.

Donald Trump Wants Plan Within 30 Days to Defeat ISIS If Elected
–– Will hold breath until he gets.

Dealing With The 6 Words A Christian Should Never Want To Hear
–– I am your true lord Satan.

Employers Say They Can't Find Good Workers, But the Fix is Simple
–– Stand outside Apple HQ and kidnap them.

Obama Hints at Post-Presidency Plans During Laos Visit
–– When he naps during meeting.

Clinton during coughing fit: 'Every time I think about Trump I get allergic'
–– Suffers from hate fever.

Trump Says He Did Not 'Choke' on Mexico Wall Deal
–– ‘Just every time I think about it I get allergic.’

Newt Gingrich Breaks Into Coughing Fit While Discussing Hillary Clinton’s Coughing Fit
–– Egests slimy, insect-like alien life form.

Florida toddler bitten more than a dozen times at day care
–– Fellow ankle biter left binkie home.

Abducted woman calls from trunk
–– On trunk line.

Mets ink Tebow to Minor League deal
–– Doubt they’ll earn a quarter back.

Colin Powell’s advice to Hillary Clinton makes her private email server look like less of a scandal
–– Less than zero?

‘Eat Pray Love' Author Elizabeth Gilbert "In Love" With Female Best Friend
–– New book Eat Gay Love.

Exercise can cancel out cancer risk from booze, study finds
–– Cancer risk? Gimme a double!

Imagine fleeing Syria in a wheelchair
–– Paralympics in Damascus in 2020.

Johnny Depp Circles Film About Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Murders
–– He has packed on some pounds.

James Cameron Talks 'Avatar' Sequels, Cirque du Soleil Show
–– And which is most twee.

Oliver Stone on Edward Snowden: "America Is Fed Bullshit and We Buy It"
–– “So I hope they buy this.”

Camerawoman charged in tripping of migrants in Hungary
–– Felled by long leg of law.

Just When You Thought RiRi Had Reached Peak Denim Obsession, She Wears This
–– Blue jean merkin.

Ret. Brigadier Gen. Butler: Trump exhibits traits of a leader
–– At least they were sensitive enough to abbreviate Retarded.

Louie Gohmert says Hillary Clinton 'mentally impaired'
–– Ret. Congressman Louie Gohmert (R).

Retired general calls Trump's 30-day ISIS order 'sophomoric'
–– Dissing 10th graders.

Pelosi to Ryan: Don't use hacked documents in campaigns
–– Except ones written by your hacks.

Ann Coulter Was at ‘The Roast of Rob Lowe’ Because She Didn’t Know What a Roast Was
–– Hasn’t eaten cooked meat in twenty years.

North Carolina Residents on Edge After Multiple Clown Sightings
–– In non-clown bathrooms.

Paul Krugman’s Latest Clinton Defense Reaches New Low
–– It arrives at New York Observer.

Donald Trump accidentally declares himself ineligible for the presidency
–– In rare moment of clarity.

Five or Six Things I Didn’t Know About Brad Pitt
–– 5 or 6: He prefers Angad with soft G.

Mexico’s Finance Minister Resigns After Trump Visit
–– Couldn't keep peso.

Obama Avoids Rights Issues as He Presses U.S. Agenda in Asia
–– You don’t tell your Chinese loan shark you don't like his attitude.

Shia LaBeouf Blasts Steven Spielberg: ‘He’s Less a Director Than He Is a F—ing Company’
–– ‘And I’m less an actor than a f––ing d-bag.’

AirAsia flight bound for Malaysia landed in Melbourne after pilot error
–– Stopped off for a cold one, mate.

Dinosaur prints found on beach
–– Next to Barney blanket.

Pam Bondi says she won't be 'bullied' by Hillary Clinton over Trump donation
–– More bullyshit.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz endorses Hillary Clinton
–– A tall order.

Settlements, departures, rumors: Ailes exit shakes Fox News to its core
–– It’s rotten, stinking core.

Mel Gibson Calls ‘Batman v Superman’ a ‘Piece of S–t’
–– 'Besides, Jews are responsible for all comics' characters.'

‘Real heroes don't wear Spandex': Mel Gibson
–– ‘Right, sugar tits?’

For-profit college ITT shuts down: Tens of thousands of students in the lurch
–– Eats itt.

Vandals topple Oregon's iconic rock formation Duckbill
–– Icon to generations of super models mourned.

All Eyes Are on Chris Christie as Trial in Bridge Scandal Starts
–– Reporters ask him to sit down so they can see court room.

Fox Will Pay Gretchen Carlson $20 Million To Settle Sexual Harassment Suit
–– Almost enough for being hit on by Ailes.

Diddy urges blacks to 'hold our vote'
–– Trump: ‘See, I got another African-American.’

Trump refuses to rule out legal status for undocumented immigrants
–– He's of two minds, one tinier than the other.

Philippines leader curses Obama; White House cancels meeting
–– Gets down and Duterte.

Duterte tells Obama 'son of a whore' remark wasn't personal
–– ‘I love whores and I am sure I would have enjoyed banging your mother.’

Duterte to Abu Sayyaf: 'I will eat you alive – just give me salt and vinegar'
–– Few knew he was on halal diet.

7 Iowa teachers guilty of sex abuse get no prison time
–– Just detention with grade schoolers.

Huckabee: Clinton is afraid to face what she has done
–– But what’s floating there sure looks like Steve Bannon.

We did a blind taste test of Bud, Coors, Miller, and Natty Light — here's the verdict
–– Guilty.

Michael Phelps just explained the hilarious reason he named his son Boomer
–– He changes diapers.

Former Apple engineer says he got turned down for a job at the Genius Bar
–– Name means they bar genius.

Man Busted After Using His Own Wanted Poster For Facebook Photo
–– But lighting was exquisite.

Saudi Arabia and Russia sign oil pact, could limit output in future
–– To 1,000 bbl of monkeys per week.

Police: Massachusetts man broke into house, painted dog purple
–– Act of senseless violets.

Ant colony found in abandoned nuclear war bunker in Poland
–– Hank Pymski warned them of atom bomb.

Putin: outside interference in South China Sea dispute will do only to harm
–– Sounds like something he would to say.

Heroin And One Failing Senate Campaign May Keep Mitch McConnell In Power
–– It’s worked for 16 years.

49ers FB Bruce Miller cut after after allegedly punching 70-year-old man
–– Why didn’t he just clothes line ‘im?

Trump keeps Mike Pence under the radar and out of the loop
–– Let's him out of limo trunk twice a week.

The ugliest, most appalling spectacle in American politics
–– You can narrow it down?

Vin Diesel Gets Extremely Emotional After James Gunn Shows Him ’Guardians 2’ Clip
–– He Groot excited.

Phyllis Schlafly, towering social conservative figure, dies at 92
–– Towered over mental midgets.

Chevy Chase Enters Rehab for "Tuneup" on Alcohol Problem
–– Wrecked Chevy already well oiled.

Is Roger Ailes Going to War With New York Magazine?
–– The Boor War.

Fall in love with a job you don't even like, in three steps
–– 1) Pop Ecstasy.

Single mom dresses as dad to attend Donuts with Dad day
–– Packing churro not donut.

Bill Clinton hangs out with Beyoncé, Jay Z at 'Made in America' festival
–– Asks her: ‘You ever been made in America?’

Fiat’s founders are leaving Italy
–– But will take awhile with all the breakdowns.

Why is NASA chasing this asteroid?
–– Owes them cash.

Pound puppy turned police 'porn dog'
–– Pounding puppy.

Space probe finds lost Philae lander on comet
–– Philae fanatic.

In a post-Gawker world, Melania Trump's libel suit has a better shot
–– Libel to win.

Mom hears dead son's heart beat
–– In lamest Stephen King story.

Is Brady thumbing his nose at NFL?
–– Is nose below belt?

Europe 'close to limit' on refugee numbers, EU president says
–– Up to their Athens.

Venezuelans revel in pots-and-pans protests after Maduro humiliation
–– All of which had been empty for months.

Citizens United chief takes leadership role on Team Trump
–– Campaign strives for diversity of scumbags.

Geese Are The Worst Animals On The Planet And We Should End Them
–– Says Mother Goose, shockingly.

ISIS is losing territory on all fronts — here's what the group leaves behind
–– A warm glow.

Is Rudy Giuliani Losing His Mind?
–– Not a terrible thing to waste.

Larry King reportedly unsure whether to divorce wife Shawn
–– At times forgets he’s married.

’Here to learn,' Trump says at black church
–– ‘How gullible you are.’

Donald Trump dances at church service
–– Uncomfortable fidgeting can appear that way.

Earthquake rattles Oklahoma, six neighboring states
–– Frickin’ frack.

Close-ups of Jupiter wow scientists
–– Check out the eye on her!

NFL legend Lawrence Taylor arrested -- again -- in Florida
–– Always been a line backer.

Vast doughnut-shaped reef found in Australia
–– By cops on vacation.

Tim Tebow Rumors: Braves Reportedly Interested in Signing Former QB
–– To ensure 100 loss season.

Trump surrogate admits falsifying biographical claims
–– Which is what attracted Trump in first place.

Week of 09/02/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

What Republicans Really Have to Do to Win Over Black Voters
–– Reanimate Lincoln.

FBI releases Hillary Clinton email report
–– Spamalot.

‘Taco Trucks on Every Corner’: Trump Supporter’s Anti-Immigration Warning
–– Terrified Americans: 'Yum!'

Mike Love memoir: Beach Boy Dennis Wilson watched Charles Manson shoot a man dead
God only knows.

Jay Bruce and four other midseason pick-ups who are killing their new teams
–– We have Met the enemy…

FDA cracks down on antibacterial soap
–– Washes hands of controversy.

Now Donald Trump Is Pitting LGBT People Against All Immigrants
–– In new reality competition show Drag Racist.

Ann Coulter on Donald Trump’s Mexico trip and immigration speech
–– Only genius can hold two opposed views in mind at same time.

I'm an Atheist, and This Is How I Handled It When My Kids Asked to Go to Church
–– Beat the bejesus outta them.

A New Ad Puts a Bullet Hole Through the Heart of John McCain's Opponent
–– Matching one in McCain's head.

NBC Developing a ‘Sexy, Contemporary’ Female-Led Adaptation of ‘Oliver Twist’
And 'violent, bro-y' male-led adaptation of 'Little Dorrit.'

Longtime Uzbekistan President Islam Karimov dies after stroke
–– Of luck for Uzbekis.

US loses partner in terror war with death of Uzbekistan's leader
–– And in crime.

Kim Jong-un uses an anti-aircraft gun to execute one high-ranking official for SLEEPING in a meeting and another for coming up with his own idea
–– The idea: ‘How about execution by anti-aircraft gun?’

Long-missing U.S. student reportedly kidnapped in China in '04, forced to tutor North Korean dictator
–– Strafed when Kim failed ESL test.

Tollbooth Workers, Targeted for Sexual Harassment
–– Drivers need new eye exams.

Why Small Rural Counties Send More People to Prison
–– They request it.

Obama to ask China for restraint
–– Handcuffs for Kim Jung-un.

Pamela Anderson's anti-porn piece panned
–- Piece of ass.

Here’s what Elon Musk had to say about this morning's SpaceX explosion
–– Oops!

Kaepernick defiant after anthem protest booed
–– 'Was worse for my play-calling.'

Putin hits Trump, Clinton 'shock tactics'
–– ‘Why not they just use poison?’

Larry Wilmore tells Stephen Colbert his big regret about losing The Nightly Show
–– Not the paycheck?

Donald Trump claims 'crazy and very dumb' Mika Brzezinski had a 'mental breakdown'
–– He recognizes all the signs.

Chicago has had more homicides this year than New York and Los Angeles combined
–– Who’s calling it Second City, now?

Zika spraying kills millions of honeybees
–– How sweet.

Samsung is recalling the Galaxy Note 7 worldwide over battery problem
–– Samsunk.

Nate Parker Speaks On Rape Trial and Past Treatment of Women: "I Was a Dog"
–– Heel.

Gabrielle Union's Nate Parker pain
–– Union buster.

Philippines President Against Steve Harvey Hosting 2016 Miss Universe Pageant
–– We knew he was strongly anti-dope.

Ex-TV personalities enter plea after baby tests positive for cocaine
–– After going 60 in 25 mph zone.

Clinton camp smashes fundraising record: $143 million in August
–– Setting aside half for defense fund.

Chris Brown arrested on suspicion of assault
–– On our senses.

Chris Brown Drops New Song Following Release From Jail
–– Was first leg of promo tour.

Brazil’s Senate ousts Dilma Rousseff in impeachment vote
–– Removed like unwanted bikini hair.

Ship built to outrun Japan's whalers
–– How about jetpacks for whales?

The man who tried to kill President Reagan is looking for a job
–– Trump’s available.

New Trump Hotel to Sell High-End Wine Served in Crystal Spoons
–– And cheap coke in plastic ones.

Vladimir Putin Was Arrested in a Florida Supermarket
–– Namesake filching rat posion in pest control aisle.

Fox News legal filing leaves host Bill O’Reilly dangling
–– Which is what sexual harassment suit accused him of.

Trump calls Democrats the party of  ‘slavery’ and  ‘Jim Crow’
–– ‘A pretty good whiskey, by the way.’

Hillary Clinton, The Podesta Group And The Saudi Regime: A Fatal Menage A Trois
–– Bloodthirsty Saudis get lots of head.

Is blogging about beheading FBI agents a criminal threat or free speech?
–– Or qualification for Saudi Supreme Court?

Deadhead imprisoned for selling LSD has life sentence reduced by Obama
–– Described as ‘Grateful.’

Florida prosecutors are reportedly investigating Trump campaign CEO's voter record
–– And EEGs.

Trump to Visit Mexico Hours Before Speech on Immigration
–– For some pruning and hedging.

Donald Trump's visit may already be a lose-lose situation for Mexico's president
–– Pretty much the result whenever he comes by.

Vicente Fox: Trump is totally crazy
–– Not like a Fox?

Mexican President Calls Trump Meeting 'Open and Constructive'
–– Then it ‘hit the wall.’

Would Mexico Foot the Bill for a Border Wall?
–– Sure, and pay Anglo workers double to replace migrants.

Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto And Donald Trump Are Now In A Twitter Fight
–– Bull fighting.

Latino Trump backer: I was misled
–– Just received translation of last 18 months of speeches.

Eric Trump: 'Pretty amazing' that Hispanic surrogates withdrew support after speech
–– 'We assumed they were napping or raping, not listening.'

The Press Isn’t Buying It As NY Newspaper Blasts Donald Trump’s “Mexican Crap Dance”
–– Mierda, she wrote.

How Japan went crazy for KitKats
–– Hello Kittykats?

Ryan Lochte's new endorsement deal is for crime prevention device
–– Stops thieves real and imagined.

N. Korea executes top educator
–– That’ll teach him a lesson.

Her kids played in toxin for 18 months and feds knew it
–– They have head in suer.

Is this the end for Hope Solo?
–– Will she join brother Han?

Hope Solo Angrily Reacts to Being Dropped by U.S. Soccer
–– Drop kicked.

Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway: ‘Rape would not exist’ if women were strong enough
–– And Trump would not if voters were.

How Apple paid just 0.005% tax on its global profits
–– Tim Cook books.

‘Dancing With the Stars' Enlists Ryan Lochte, Amber Rose and Rick Perry
–– Shakes three huge asses.

Newt Gingrich can’t shake his campaign debt from 2012 presidential bid
–– Praying Trump wins so he can get back in government and steal some money.

US Department of Agriculture closes 6 offices after threats
–– Felt 'cowed'.

Trump’s campaign boss once slammed 'a bunch of dykes from the Seven Sister schools' and was accused of sexual harassment by a coworker in the 90s
–– Boy, Trump'll do anything to pander to chicks.

Ahoy there! Elizabeth Hurley, 51, shows off her jaw-dropping figure in a navy and white striped bikini as she soaks up the summer sun
–– Thanks for not mentioning 'flotation devices.'

Why ‘Warcraft 2’ May Never Play in US Theaters
–– There are still laws against torture.

Rudy Giuliani Blasts Beyonce's VMAs Performance: "I Saved More Black Lives"
–– “And I am Sasha Fierce!”

Is 2016 the year of celebrity deaths?
–– Is it taking suggestions?

For a Perfect Catch in Seattle, Fishmongers Go for the Halibut
–– Just for the halibut?

How did Lucy, our early human ancestor, die 3 million years ago?
–– Of boredom.

Mylan to Offer a Generic EpiPen at Half the Price
–– Only triple the original price!

Safety tip from India's tourism minister: Don't wear skirts
–– Or be sari.

A loophole that lets companies hire 'pretty people'
–– Unknown to Walmart.

Anthony Weiner sexted busty brunette while his son was in bed with him
–– Ew, busty? Gross!

Abedin, Weiner separating after new sexting allegations
–– Huma sexts him her butt exiting door.

Escaped teenager requests different mugshot photo after Sydney jailbreak
–– Anthony's weiner.

Brexit leader Nigel Farage calls Trump 'the new Ronald Reagan'
–– And he's 'the new Fred Scuttle.'

Justin Bieber returns to Instagram
–– And somehow, miraculously, cheapens it.

WWE Hall of Famer Mr. Fuji Dies at Age 82
–– Ashes to ashes.

Pence slams media over Trump's Dwyane Wade tweet
–– 'How could any white guy spell that name?'

Bulls' Dwyane Wade Urges Chicago to Adopt Laws to Make City Safer
–– Wade's into controversy.

Demi Lovato Slays in a Bright Bandeau Bikini on a Boat in Vancouver
–– Authorities still searching her for weapon.

Lawmakers call Maine governor unhinged after obscene tirade
–– Unhinged –– wIth those mood swings?

Wife Bites, Stabs Husband With Scissors For Drinking Her Beer: Cops
–– Impale ale.

Trump stand-ins struggle to speak for and defend nominee
–– Clarence Darrow couldn't do that.

MTV VMAs 2016: 5 reasons to watch
–– 3. Every other station might go off air.

Cops pepper-spray 84-year-old woman
–– So she’d stop hitting on them.

Charles Osgood to Retire as Anchor of 'CBS Sunday Morning' After 22 Years
–– To be cut loose and left on ocean floor.

Donald Trump Says Fatal Shooting of Dwyane Wade's Cousin Is "Just What I Have Been Saying"
–– “Kill more blacks.”

Ann Coulter Gets Destroyed by Comics at Rob Lowe Roast
–– They butcher a joke.

AP’s Kathleen Carroll defends Clinton investigation but admits 'sloppy' tweet
–– Calls impartiality 'cute idea', 'quaint.

Fox News Host Greta Van Susteren Rips Critics of Her Defense of Roger Ailes
–– Defiantly raps P.I.M.P. by 50 Cent.

Breitbart Rises From Outlier to Potent Voice in Campaign
–– Or Inliar.

Don Cheadle Slams ‘POS’ Donald Trump for Politicizing Shooting Death of Nykea Aldridge
–– At least he kept it POSitive.

General loses post after 'swinger lifestyle' revealed
–– Army slams 'privates on parade.'

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