Headbangers 12/16
Headbangers 11/16
Headbangers 10/16
Headbangers 09/16
Headbangers 08/17
Headbangers 07/16
Headbangers 06/16
Headbangers 05/16
Headbangers 04/16
Headbangers 03/16
Headbangers 02/16
Headbangers 01/16
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 05/20/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump Taps DC Lawyer Who Vetted Palin for VP Search
–– Was that lawyer or vet?

Former Miss Universe: Donald Trump called me 'Miss Piggy'
–– High praise from swine.

Kim Davis: Gays Were Trying To Shove The Supreme Court Ruling 'Down My Throat And Make Me Eat It For My Dinner'
–– Tasted like crow.

Trey Gowdy: Benghazi report will be out before conventions
–– Still inking and adding Pow, Zap sound effects.

Alan Young, Affable Owner on ‘Mister Ed,’ Dies at 96
–– Ed III to speak at funeral.

Rio Olympics to Offer 3 Times as Many Condoms as 2012 London Games
–– Many tiny ones to keep Zika mosquitoes from breeding.

Ex-MLBer: I put HGH in my cereal
–– Breakfast of chumpions.

Trump campaign admits it did not raise $6 million for veterans
–– Assumed ex-military with PTSD couldn't count straight.

Donald Trump says he has been asked to visit Downing Street
PM needs good laugh.

Trump’s income tax returns once became public. They showed he didn’t pay a cent.
–– On imaginary fortune.

Maroon 5 cancels North Carolina concert over anti-LGBT law
–– Statute's unintended silver lining.

Kanye West leaves Ellen DeGeneres speechless: 'I'm sorry for the realness'
–– In latest slang for utter bullshit.

The Republican party is rallying behind Donald Trump. Just like we thought.
–– Brave to be downwind of him.

Noam Chomsky predicted the rise of Donald Trump six years ago
–– Without ever once naming him!

Mourad Laachraoui: Suicide bomber's brother wins European gold
–– While he's still trying to score single virgin in hell.

Founding member of Beastie Boys, John Berry, dies aged 52
–– Group aiming for Ramones’ mortality record.

The Thai cleaning lady facing prison for 'I see'
–– State to produce WIndex for the prosecution.

Record 51C heat hits India
–– Phew, glad we're Americans and can't convert Celsius.

Muirfield banned from hosting British Open after refusing women members
–– Board said to be at 'sexists and sevens.'

Maryland delegate for Trump charged with child pornography and possession of illegal gun and explosives
–– That's his assignment.

A ban on skinny jeans?
–– Pudenda rally for relief.

Morley Safer, Stalwart of ‘60 Minutes,’ Dies at 84
–– To conduct tedious interview with St. Peter.

Bolt: Positive Beijing retests 'bad news' for sport
–– Is Bolt a sport?

New horned dinosaur species discovered in Montana by amateur
–– Psilocybin enthusiast.

100-Year-Old Unofficially Breaks a 100 Meter Dash Record for Centenarian
–– In 100 minutes.

EXCLUSIVE: Jenny McCarthy's Prom Dress Fits Her Better Now Than it Did 25 Years Ago
–– A Spotlight-level scoop!

Zimmerman closes gun auction, doesn't identify winning bid
–– Out of respect for low-caliber individual.

Duterte’s Hard Choice: Maintain the Alliance With the U.S. or Mend Ties With China
–– Or tell some more rape jokes.

A-bomb survivors want Obama to meet, apologize in Hiroshima
–– Be Phat Man, not Little Boy.

New Jersey has never hated Chris Christie more
–– And it feels good.

‘We can’t be the United Nations’: Milwaukee frozen custard shop defends ‘English only’ policy
–– ‘Plus we have chocolate swirl for brains.’

House Speaker Paul Ryan 'Committed to Fighting' New Overtime Rule
–– Bravely protecting rights of overprivileged.

Would Bill And Hillary's Clinton Foundation Withstand IRS Scrutiny? You Decide
–– Yes, you, the plutocrat reading forbes.com who hates Hillary.

Teen killed his girlfriend’s parents and celebrated with sex. He’s being released after 5 years.
–– Just say it wasn’t with them.

Humpback whale tangled in lines
–– Was flying low over telephone poles.

Exploding vaporizer rips hole in man's tongue
–– Now easier to insert trendy tongue stud.

Trump leads Clinton in Fox poll
–– Romney president since 2008 in same poll.

Canada PM Justin Trudeau: I'm sorry for manhandling parliament members
–– Certain parliament members: Sorry you didn’t manhandle us.

Van Dyke's ties to another police shooting
–– On set of Mary Poppins.

Polo Lounge Rises Back Into Power Lunch Ranks After Fizzled Boycott
–– Sultan of Brunei owner sure learned his lesson –– as did condemned gays back home.

Suicide rates rise in spring
–– Depressives pushing up daisies.

Cannes: Phil Robertson, Accompanied by Armed Guards, Pitches Bible-Thumping Movie at Fest
–– Remake of Duck Soup.

Judge Asked to Order Jimmy Page and Robert Plant to Attend 'Stairway to Heaven' Trial
–– And force them to play it for jury one more time.

DNC chair rips Sanders' response
–– Sanders, ripped, doesn't notice.

New OT rules may affect your paycheck
–– Sudden death for salary.

This Smartly-Dressed Lemur Is Critically Endangered
–– Aye-ayes want his threads.

Dr. Luke's label: Kesha can't perform
–– Proper diagnosis for at-risk fans.

50 years since Bob Dylan did what?
–– Sang a line you could understand.

Playing dead for a living
–– or The Tenure of Justice Clarence Thomas.

Elton John writes on bathroom law
–– Scrawls name, number in stall.

Man, 72, fights off crocs with wrench
–– Thought they were nuts, bolts.

ISIS 'getting away with murder' here
–– Indicating map of world.

T.J. Maxx, Marshalls and HomeGoods plan to open thousands of new stores
–– Third world slave laborers not busy enough.

Kelly to Trump: 'Let's talk about us'
–– Most dysfunctional couple since Sid and Nancy.

Mitsubishi Motors president quitting amid fuel economy scandal
–– Mistah bitchy.

Trump would speak with Kim Jong Un
–– Just to discuss the hair.

It’s Official: Billy Bush Joins NBC's 'Today' Show
–– Title changed to 'Yesterday.'

Mark Cuban: Trump not as smart as he thinks
–– Voters exactly as dumb as he suspects.

’Dancing With the Stars' finalists are...
–– Sweaty hasbeens.

Rubio fires off long string of tweets
–– Now that elected senator has nothing better to do.

Cannes: Nice Airport Terminal Temporarily Evacuated, Unattended Baggage Detonated
–– Litres of botox destroyed.

Wooden windows? Scientists have successfully turned wood transparent
–– People in glass houses: 'See how it feels?'

Fact: Megan Fox's Adorable Sons Will Melt Your Heart in Record Time
–– Mom bought them birthday blow torches.

Staycation Secrets: How to Make Your Apartment Smell Like a Fancy Hotel
–– Invite over high-priced hooker.

Judge to puppy killer: ‘Would I like to put you in a Dumpster? Oh, yeah. I would love to.’
–– 'And get in there with you? Absolutely!'

Details of Iran’s capture of US sailors will ‘shock’ nation: congressman
–– Only if Kardashian was aboard.

Cops Cuffed Me for Selling My Own Mac
–– A Dell PC.

‘They cut my son’s head off, and they took my son’s head. Who would do that?’
–– Head office?

Hiring Hurdle: Finding Workers Who Can Pass a Drug Test
–– Applicants piss off.

David M. Durst, Developer of Manhattan Towers, Dies at 90
–– Prison guards check in on son Robert, just in case.

Burger King in Finland opens world's first in-store spa
–– Featuring steamed buns.

Trump: 'I'm not stupid'
–– ‘I just play stupid in real life.’

State Dept. issues blunt warning
–– Diplomats told not to light up at conference table.

Bison calf put down after 'rescue'
–– Father: ‘You call that a rescue? A bull moose coulda saved more calves.'

China to buy $90 billion gold vault in London
–– Will bronze it.

Openly Gay Pastor Admits He Wrote Homophobic Slur on Whole Foods Cake
–– Slamming 'hole foods'.

Whole Foods anti-gay lawsuit dropped after apology
–– Don’t have to rename fruit section.

High court punts on Obamacare
–– After kicking around for 6 years.

First U.S. penis transplant
–– Redickulous!

Tiger: I can still beat Nicklaus' record
–– Put it here and get me a club.

Sinead O'Connor found safe
–– And unsound.

‘The Wire' Actor Wendell Pierce Arrested After Alleged Attack on Sanders Supporter
–– Hillary experiences long-forgotten stirrings.

Colombia seizes more than 17,500 pounds of cocaine from drug gang
–– Should help with budget shortfall.

Trump warns of another attack
–– Fears al Qaeda will troll him on Twitter.

Priebus: I think Ryan will soon endorse Trump
–– Too 'honest' and 'decent' to sustain mock outrage.

Susan Sarandon: Bernie Sanders Could Still Be the Democratic Nominee
–– And Thelma and Louise could still win Daytona 500.

Woman who held record for longest tenure with an orchestra collapses on stage, dies
–– In final movement.

RNC chairman: Third-party run would be a 'suicide mission'
–– Suggests Ted Cruz undertake it.

Jesus’ baptism site to be cleared of mines
–– Will tourists still be blown away?

Crossing the Line: How Donald Trump Behaved With Women in Private
–– Probably how he treats them in public.

Al Qaeda Turns to Syria, With a Plan to Challenge ISIS
–– The winner? Whoever tries jihadist.

Elizabeth Warren Quotes Taylor Swift, Slams Trump In Commencement Speech
–– To Republican voters: 'Shake it off.'

‘Casablanca’ actress Madeleine LeBeau dies
–– Here's looking at you, dead.

Obama knocks Trump at Rutgers: 'Ignorance is not a virtue'
–– Which shocks Jersey-bred graduates.

In Bruges, beer to flow underground
–– Rats totally stoked.

Red Hot Chili Peppers singer hospitalized, concert canceled
–– With heartburn?

Man Utd: Game abandoned as bomb squad blows up suspect package
–– Containing soiled jock straps.

Man Rips Off Woman’s Hijab During Flight, Yells ‘This Is America’
–– After yelling 'Peekaboo!'

Police: Rare fish found dead after skinny-dipper trespasses in refuge
–– Nudist accused of spear fishing.

Week of 05/13/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Nobody’s Trump support is more striking than John McCain’s
–– Devil calls in chip for Palin candidacy.

Why Are the Highly Educated So Liberal?
–– Don't need PhD to figure out.

House committee to hold hearings on whether to impeach IRS chief
Protecting rights of Americans bent on destroying Federal Government.

‘Racist McShootface’ Helps Drive Price Of George Zimmerman’s Infamous Gun Up To $65 Million
–– In Skittles.

Clinton Foundation rejects allegations it aided Clinton friends
–– Tough to prove because Bill's everybody's friend.

Dog runs away, checks himself into day care
–– Which for old dog, must qualify as new trick.

Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, Former Argentine President, Is Indicted
In effort to show Brazil they're not so damn special.

World's Oldest Woman Said Secret To Long Life Is Staying Single
–– Though can't actually remember if she was ever married.

Paralyzed Kitten Speeds Around the Hospital Using Lego Wheelchair
–– Cute, but let's see that on YouTube with a loris.

Man Miraculously Wakes Up From 48 Day Coma and Immediately Says, 'I Want Taco Bell'
–– Part of brain governing taste dead.

Cruz: No interest in Supreme Court position
–– Also declined to be Olympic pole vaulter, violin virtuoso, Jedi Knight.

Calvin Klein uses crotch shot in new ad and it's uncomfortable
–– Knickers in a Not!

Why the fuss over Calvin Klein ads?
–– Because campaign's succeeding with twittidiots.

Chris Christie's focus on N.J. tested by new Trump job
–– N.J. actually grateful molester's preoccupied.

Hero dog bitten saving 7-year-old girl from rattlesnake
–– By her.

This Creepy Barber Told African-American Customer ‘I Don’t Do Black Hair’ Before Pulling a Gun
–– Filled with hair relaxer.

Mark Lane, Early Kennedy Assassination Conspiracy Theorist, Dies at 89
–– To be buried beneath grassy knoll.

Christopher Hitchens Was Shaky in his Atheism, New Book Suggests
–– Geez, isn’t there anyone we can believe in?

Pfizer Blocks the Use of Its Drugs in Executions
–– Aw, shit, now we’re supposed to feel good about Big Pharma?

Top Hezbollah commander killed in Damascus blast
–– Syria later, alligator!

Sheldon Adelson: I endorse Donald Trump for president
–– Birds of a feather fucked together.

Curt Schilling Publishes Entertaining Endorsement Of Donald Trump
–– An ideal schill.

How Captain America: Civil War's End Credits Scene Cemented Black Panther's Growth
–– The herpes sore on lip.

London’s new Muslim mayor wants to ‘educate’ Trump about Islam
–– Come halal or high water.

Trump, Ryan say they are ‘totally committed’ to uniting their party
–– For sake of brain-damaged children.

Krauthammer Explains Why Trump & Ryan's Relationship Is a 'Sham Marriage'
–– Drops krauthammer on it.

Woman loses her teeth after abusing diabetes for weight loss
–– Which should further aid weight loss.

Why ‘Never Hillary’ trumps ‘Never Trump’
–– You’re ‘Always Asshole.’

Boehner wouldn't be surprised if Clinton 'has to withdraw'
–– ‘Kind of like me, from the bar, at 2am.’

Donald Trump on His Tax Rate: "It's None of Your Business"
–– "How I choose to screw Uncle Sam is personal choice."

Damon Lindelof on Why He Feels "Liberated" Writing 'The Leftovers' Finale
–– And viewers ‘profoundly relieved.’

McDonald’s tries something new: Fresh beef
–– Or just beef.

Trump and GOP leaders bury hatchet on bizarre day
–– In each others’ backs.

Cannes Opening Night Starts With Rape Joke Aimed at Woody Allen
–– Approximately twice as entertaining as his premiering film Cafe Society.

Woody Allen: 'I've said all I have to say about' assault claims
–– ‘I’m too busy writing next movie about octogenarian seducing teen.’

John Lackey to Christian Bethancourt: ‘You better f—ing run!’
–– Lackey self-control much?

‘Flesh banquets' of China's Cultural Revolution remain unspoken, 50 years on
–– Though some whisper General Tso tasted like chicken.

Mike Bloomberg: Trump’s drummer is ‘playing the right tune’
–– On stretched skin of morons.

Pope Francis mulls opening door to female deacons in Church
–– The service entrance in back alley leading to Vatican kitchen, but still…

Sarah Palin, the political mother of Trump
–– Not first mentally-disabled offspring.

Selfie snapper who destroyed historic statue may face criminal charges
–– Next shot includes noose in background.

Serena Williams Reveals She Ate Dog Food in Snapchat Video
–– Working on backhand bark.

660-pound crocodile found in Thailand
–– Peanut sauce packs on pounds.

Shark’s death sparks online outrage
–– Although many glad to be forgiven loans.

With Trump as nominee, delegate spots lose appeal for Republicans
–– Like VP slot in Cruz presidency.

Brazil’s president: 'It's a coup'
–– Blame it on Rio.

Morley Safer Retiring as Longest-Serving ‘60 Minutes’ Reporter
–– Safer that way.

F.B.I. Director Says ‘Viral Video Effect’ Blunts Police Work
–– Cops distracted by hair, makeup concerns.

Long-running mail scam shut down
–– Prince returns to Nigeria older, wiser, richer.

Inmate: I'm son of Prince
–– ‘The Nigerian one who died and left you a fortune.’

Five terror suspects caught trying to flee Australia to Syria by boat
–– Should sentence them to try and finish that trip.

Japanese court rules artist's 'vagina' kayak is legal, sharing is not
–– Jury hung over penis oars.

Cruz not releasing Kansas delegates pre-convention
–– Still locked in basement being forced to watch wedding night videos.

Chris Evans Hit By Claims He ‘Continually Flashed Co-Worker For Two Years’
–– Exposing ‘bottom gear.’

Ex-N. Korea army head, who Seoul said was executed, is alive
–– In fishbowl with electrodes attached to neck.

Donald Trump's Morning Routine: 5 Things He Does Each Day
–– 3. Takes hair for walk.

This Ivy League Professor Did Math on a Plane. His Seatmate Thought He Was a Terrorist.
–– Do the math: she’s a moron.

Compliance with Utah's new abortion law is medically impossible, critics say
–– Republican legislators: 'You think in vitro anesthesia is tough? Wait until we mandate signed fetal release forms.'

Gene Simmons: 'Bowie's death was tragic, Prince's death was pathetic'
–– Own career: ‘ absurd.’

PRINCE Act proposed in Minnesota
–– Purple reign.

North Carolina Republicans brace for 'bathroom law' blowback
–– Turn on the ventilation fans!

Lauryn Hill cites 'perfectionist tendencies' for tardiness in Atlanta
–– Same excuse she gave IRS before she was put away.

Oscars Less White? There’s No Shortage of Black Films in 2016
–– Kevin Hart polishing acceptance speech.

Jon Stewart on Donald Trump: 'He is a man-baby'
–– 'And world is his diaper.'

Fatal accidents involving stoned drivers soared in Washington since pot was legalized
–– Whoa, dude, I like never saw that comin'.

Trump walks back debt and tax talk
–– After it shat all over rug.

Cruz and Senate Face Choices as ‘Lucifer in the Flesh’ Returns
–– Conjured by Tea Party on Capitol steps.

Cruz sternly rebuked by GOP
–– His Dark Lord merely laughs at exorcist.

These Monks Make a Wicked Hot Sauce
–– Suspected of worshipping Cruz.

Black or blue? Google experimenting
–– As long as you whup them.

Godfather of the lowrider bicycle
–– Makes you an off-roader you can't refuse.

Did Facebook suppress conservative news?
–– ‘News’?

‘Jurassic World' dinosaur found
–– On Blu-Ray disc.

Defying church ban, dozens of Methodist clergy come out as gay and lesbian
— To lay people.

Andre The Giant Biopic in the Works
–– Ironically a short.

Justin Bieber Has a New Tattoo, and It’s on His Face
–– Can it cover it?

Trump taps Christie to lead transition
–– To Donna Trump.

Girl, 11, scalped on carnival ride
–– Was billed as hair-raising.

North Carolina sues U.S. Justice Department over bathroom bill
–– Claim 'passing' laws their jurisdiction.

Stomach bug strikes hundreds aboard British cruise ship
–– Luckily NC law didn't apply, especially along guard-rail.

Donald Trump: 'I'm the king of debt'
–– And baron of bankruptcy.

Mel Bartholomew, an Engineer Who Popularized Square Foot Gardening, Dies at 84
–– Reaped many square feet.

‘Game of Thrones': Jon Snow Makes a Fatal Choice in 'Oathbreaker'
–– Taken undead consideration.

Black West Point cadets under scrutiny for raised fists in photo
–– #graylinesmatter.

Palin will work to defeat Ryan in primary for Trump stance
–– Even in Wisconsin that'll help him.

President Obama Tells Howard University Graduates ‘Beyonce Runs the World’
–– Can she banish Trump to Hades?

The (Very Lazy) Sunday Routine of Vanessa Bayer of ‘Saturday Night Live’
–– Bayer aspirant.

What Makes Texas Texas
–– Tequila and migrants.

‘Killing Reagan' Sets Tim Matheson and Cynthia Nixon as Presidential Couple
–– Matheson will not play him with Alzheimer's, just dumb.

Russell Crowe: ‘The Mummy’ Is ‘Designed to Seriously Scare the S— Out of You’
–– 'But not me, because I'm so full of it.'

Saudi Arabia just fired its oil minister
–– The crude bastard.

Are 'Meternity' leaves for non-parents a good idea?
–– Extended absences to check meters?

‘El Chapo' transferred to prison in Juarez, near U.S.
–– Wanted to be closer to customers.

Week of 05/06/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Sanders can't win with pledged delegates, but aides hope he can block Clinton
–– Plans to play dead on steps to podium.

How to stop the afternoon munchies
–– Hit sack at 2pm.

Walmart brings back its greeters
–– Someone has to tell customers to put pants on.

Sanders leaves door open to being Clinton's VP
–– Trap-door.

Saudi prince: Getting nukes an option
–– Entire kingdom essentially a test site.

Ex-Mexican President Vicente Fox trolls Trump about his ties
–– Offers to host necktie party for him in Juarez.

GOP luminaries pick sides on Trump as party rift widens
–– Dimmest luminaries support.

Dick Cheney will support Trump
–– And dedicate next human sacrifice to his election.

Lindsey Graham won't vote for Trump or Clinton in 2016
–– But his demo so specific pollsters can’t calculate effect.

This Exclusive Cocktail from the Kentucky Derby Tastes Like Delicious Victory
–– Latest slang for champion sire's sperm.

De Blasio To New York: Don't Eat At Chick-Fil-A
–– Not if chick feel gay.

Texas man sentenced to 25 years in rough sex prom killing
–– Will hopefully get plenty more rough sex.

Trump and Speaker Ryan exchange jabs as the GOP splinters
–– Due to tiny hands, Trump's hurt less.

Retired Justice John Paul Stevens Tells Senate To Get Moving On That Supreme Court Nominee
–– 'Y'know, that Oliver Wendell Holmes feller.'

Holocaust remembered in Israel and Poland
In one less fondly than the other.

Plus-Size Male Model Sheds Light on Guys' Body Image Struggles
–– Actually more casts shadow on.

Boaty McBoatface to Bear David Attenborough’s Name, and the Web Pouts
–– But will read Davey McAttenboroughface.

Bourdain: 'I'm not a dream date for a vegetarian'
–– 'Or someone with self-respect.'

“Arrow” star Colton Haynes comes out
–– Arrow not straight.

The GOP resistance to Donald Trump
–– Elephant mascot fitted with chastity belt.

Disney Chairman Bob Iger Meets Chinese President Xi Jingping Ahead of Shanghai Theme Park Opening
–– Joined by Mickey Maoist.

Ann Coulter's Message to Never-Trumpers: "Move out of DC"
–– And leave it to Walking Dead.

Kelly Ripa Unexpectedly Brings Up Michael Strahan's Divorces on Live! and His Face Says It All
–– Does split take.

Crow 'takes' chihuahua puppy from an Australian backyard
–– In latest slang for doing it doggy-style.

Paralyzed Pup Left on Shelter Doorstep With Heartbreaking Note
–– Authorities suspect she didn’t write.

Army captain sues Obama; says he lacks authority to fight IS
–– WIll not obey 'when doody calls.'

Which Donald Trump Did Republicans Just Hand The Nomination To?
–– Shithead or asshole?

North Carolina says it will defy Justice Department over LGBT law: 'We're not going to get bullied'
–– In 'game of thrones.'

ISIS fighter, wife, killed in airstrike, U.S. says
–– Till death do us apart.

Oakland, Calif. police cancel Cinco de Mayo DUI checkpoints after outcry
–– St. Patty’s Day organizers gleefully take note.

Trump's Cinco de Mayo post draws ire from some Latinos
–– Tacky Belle.

Cancer patient wins lottery -- again
–– Officials hoping for short pay out.

’99% of models treated like garbage'
–– Only 89% deserve it.

Why Clinton won't pressure Sanders
–– Doesn't think his bladder can take it.

Man survives 2 months adrift
–– Kasich returns to Ohio.

Expandable habitats may take us to Mars
–– Or giant hamster cages.

Joe Biden Jokes He Expects to Be Trump's VP Pick
–– Valuable Punchline.

Robert Downey Jr. Reveals Gwyneth Paltrow Is His ‘Free Pass’
–– But is afraid he couldn't consciously uncouple from her.

Bill O’Reilly Explodes on ‘The Late Show’
–– Colbert’s staff still trying to clean sofa.

Fox News Correspondent Ed Henry 'Taking Some Time Off' After Mistress Shares Details of Alleged Affair
–– In latest slang for plotting murder.

‘Sharia police' that hectored German nightclubbers and gamblers to face trial
–– Authorities agree to behead them out of respect for their faith.

Paul Ryan Says He Cannot Support Donald Trump for Now
–– And still undecided about backing cancer.

Paul Ryan is about to spend all his political power...to get ousted
–– Or he could enter Witness Protection Program.

Some conservatives are starting to realize blocking Merrick Garland is a big mistake
–– Only smart ones, so no big deal.

FDA to regulate hookahs, e-cigs
–– Pimps, hipsters object.

Janet Jackson's 'Dammn Baby' out
–– Not worth dammn.

California raises smoking age to 21
–– Excluding wildfires.

Channing Tatum announces 'Magic Mike Live' Vegas show
— For fans who want to see his 'pole' dancing.

Rolling Stones Ask Trump to Stop Playing Their Songs
–– Except Sympathy for the Devil.

Donald Trump: "We have the rights to use" Rolling Stones songs
–– Adds: 'Time is on my side. It's only Rock 'n' Roll. Hey, you, get off of my cloud!'

Norman Lear Calls on Hollywood Democrats to Unite Behind Hillary Clinton
–– After removing heads from Bernie’s ass.

Ted Cruz donor sat on $9 million in super PAC
–– Would've given candidate after he wiped himself on it.

Man sprayed poison in open food at grocery stores, FBI says
–– Whole Foods upped price for 'secret ingredient.'

MSNBC’s Chris Matthews Caught on Hot Mic Ogling Melania Trump
–– Playing hardballs.

Clinton: America can't take a chance on 'loose cannon' Trump
–– Could be fodder of the country.

NFL warns players about contaminated meat in Mexico, China
–– Especially if offered 'juicedy steak.'

These Aussies live in a town underground
–– Or Down Under.

Graduating from marriage in Japan
–– To Hai School.

This video game could help doctors diagnose dementia
–– Or cause it.

Police Are Looking For An Alleged Trump Supporter Who Attacked A Muslim Woman
–– Problem is a couple million possible suspects.

KASICH: I'm staying in the race until Trump hits the magic number
–– ‘Mine is 12 midnight.'

Sources: John Kasich to drop out
–– ‘Bingo!”

‘Flasher’ On Bus Gets Beating From Angry Women
–– He didn't mind them beating him off.

The Heartbreaking Details About The Way Prince Was Eating Before He Died
–– Used salad fork for dessert.

Teen retailer Aeropostale has filed for bankruptcy
–– To economize, sent paperwork via bulk rate mail.

Sen. Lee: Constitution Doesn’t Require Senate to Act on SCOTUS Nominee
–– But guarantees gays don’t have equal rights under law.

Brownback predicts 'a lot of financial strain that's going to be continuing' for Kansas
–– "'Cause I got a couple more years in office."

Ted Cruz Warns of "Biff Tannen Presidency" if Donald Trump Is Elected
–– Hateful gonna hate.

’Hamilton’ Makes History With 16 Tony Nominations
–– Should forestall #TonysSoWhite for several years.

Cher: "I Think Our Government Can't Find Its Ass With Both Hands"
–– Sen. McConnell: 'Thanks for Chering.'

Freediver plunges 407 feet, breaks two world records
–– And 407,000,000 brain cells.

Johnson & Johnson just lost another talcum powder cancer lawsuit
–– Sure to chafe.

Vince Vaughn's stepfather liable in goat blood drug case, jury finds
–– In plot way funnier than any of his movies.

‘Active shooter' at Target was just 'disturbance' about transgender restrooms: Cops
–– Aim was off at urinal.

Leicester wins Premier League title as Chelsea holds Tottenham
–– Hillary’s daughter has to let go.

Radiohead disappears from Internet
–– Internet flushed.

I was tormented by North Korea
–– These constant headlines are mur-der!

Stop Calling Jamaica “the Most Homophobic Place on Earth”
–– Demands North Carolina's Director of Tourism.

‘Space Jam’ Sequel Starring LeBron James to Be Directed by Justin Lin
–– Bugs Bunny trying to break contract.

North Korea’s New Nuclear Sub Is Wickedly Unsafe
–– For him? For us?

Game of Thrones’ Worst-Kept Secret: Jon Snow’s Fate Finally Revealed
–– Anti-climax so big it begged for Cialis ad.

Game of Thrones’ Jon Snow Is Cutting His Long Hair — And Getting a Man Bun
–– In gay sub-plot.

'Game of Thrones' star reveals she had a 'slightly sexual' codename for Jon Snow
–– The Dead Fuck.

Australian computer scientist claims he created Bitcoin
–– Wouldn't bet a bit on it.

Sanders: Not 'impossible' to topple Clinton in Democratic race
–– 'They do it to cows in the field.’

Trump: 'We can't continue to allow China to rape our country'
–– 'Must make them pay for sex.'

Baby born on plane named after the airline
–– Virgin might have issues in later life.

‘Robo-mermaid’ finds sunken treasure
–– Old nuts and bolts.

Newt Gingrich: Reagan Movie Would Work if it Was Like ‘The Notebook’
–– And Gena Rowlands played an addled trans Ronnie.

Critic’s Notebook: Larry Wilmore Underwhelms at White House Correspondents' Dinner
–– Which is what he does following Colbert after 10 years.

Don Lemon Gives Larry Wilmore the Finger at White House Dinner
–– Wilmore flops, Lemon flips.

Share a Ticket With Trump? Many in G.O.P. Say No Thanks
–– Don't want to 'feel like Number 2.'

Jenner jabs Cruz over bathroom debate
–– While he stands at urinal.

An isolated Osama bin Laden struggled to keep his bodyguards
–– Free passes to Abbottobad flea market not enough incentive.

Shiite cleric's speech sparks protesters to storm Green Zone, Iraqi Parliament
–– aka Army’s Yellow Zone.

‘Russian Rambo' is honored
–– Gets to pose with Putin bare-chested, bandannaed.

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