headbangers 12/16
Headbangers 11/16
Headbangers 10/16
Headbangers 09/16
Headbangers 08/17
Headbangers 07/16
Headbangers 06/16
Headbangers 05/16
Headbangers 04/16 Headbangers 03/16
Headbangers 02/16
Headbangers 01/16
Headbangers 2015
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 03/25/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

North Carolina governor signs bill regulating transgender bathroom use, limiting local governance
–– 'Stand-up' legislators 'relieved.'

Mariah Carey cancels Brussels show
–– Locals suffered enough.

North Carolina just passed one of the nation's most anti-LGBTQ laws
–– Gay advocates: 'Raleigh, North Carolina?'

Bill Maher Supports Cruz Over Trump: Better Ted Than Dead
–– Celebrates Ted offensive.

Wolves slaughter 19 elk in 'sport killing’
–– At Grand Lodge.

Microsoft 'deeply sorry' for chat bot's racist tweets
–– And endorsement of Trump.

Aaron Hernandez's $1.5M home hits the market
–– Another hit for ex-Pat.

Apple’s First Foray Into Original TV Is a Series About Apps
–– Apptly.

Woman’s home demolished after Google Maps error
–– Google addresses mistake?

Japan kills 333 minke whales
–– Critics: 'No more minke business'

’Batman v Superman' ushers in summer movie season
–– Hero uses heat vision to show patrons to seats.

Intel: N. Korea likely has mini nuke
–– Latest slang for micro penis.

Cruz: Trump's 'a sniveling coward'
–– Snivel rights advocates complain.

Jian Ghomeshi, Former Canadian Radio Host, Found Not Guilty of Sexual Assault Charges
–– Q ball scratched.

‘Butcher of Bosnia' found guilty
–– Of putting finger on scale. And other body parts.

Husband of 'Real Housewives' star imprisoned, to be deported
–– Back to Weekly World News.

From Russia with love: Why the Kremlin backs Trump
–– Tiny hands across the water.

Tucson gunman sues former Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords
–– For surviving.

Giuliani: Hillary Clinton 'could be considered a founding member of ISIS'
–– Showing them how to inspire fanatical surrogates like Rick Lazio to destroy their enemies.

Doubling Down, Donald Trump Tweets a My-Wife's-Prettier-Than Yours Meme Featuring Heidi Cruz – and Ted Fires Back
–– Heidi in plain sight.

U.S. hospitals are getting hit by hackers
–– In latest slang for orthopedic surgeons.

Aaron Rodgers Has an Incredibly Detailed Story About the Time He Saw a UFO
— Hovering over head after brutal sack.

How New Yorker cartoons could teach computers to be funny
–– Or vice versa.

Alabama governor denies sexual affair
–– Even after pig squealed.

China Aims to Tighten Its Borders Against Foreign Place Names
–– Building wall that Madison Avenue will pay for.

Seattle Man Descends From 80-Foot Tree After 24 Hours
–– David Blaine brags he could’ve stayed longer.

Where women earn more than men
–– Brothels.

Gawker’s Nick Denton certain he will still beat Hulk Hogan
–– If he can pin him down.

Pregnant T. rex unearthed
–– Deadbeat dad still being sought.

Talon wins Benin presidential race as Zinsou concedes defeat
–– Clawed way to top.

Easter Bunny, shopper charged with assault in caught-on-camera Jersey City mall brawl
–– Egged on, Bunny a ‘basket case.'

Woman found dead in freezer of downtown Atlanta hotel
–– Burger Patty removed from menu.

Experts see little chance of charges in Clinton email case
–– Should CC Fox News on that.

‘Rosie the Riveters' honored with visit to Washington
–– Weekend do it.

North Korea troops fighting in Syrian civil war, delegate says
–– Anything to get out of Pyongyang.

Man puts disorderly passenger in headlock on Culver City train
–– Chokes on him.

Jeb Bush backs Ted Cruz for president
–– Cruz lists endorsement under Anonymous Donors on website.

Bike rack jumper arrested at White House perimeter
–– Turned out to be drunk Secret Service agent trying to rent bike.

It’s National Puppy Day
–– All whelp and good.

How child traffickers prey on kids
–– It’s in job description.

Harrison Ford’s Advice to New Han Solo? ‘Don’t Do It!’
–– Han’s down.

Rita Gam, Glamorous Actress in 1950s Films, Dies at 88
–– Gam was on last leg.

Lake Bell, Ed Helms to Star in Comedy 'What's the Point?'
–- Critics appreciate free review.

Disney, Marvel to Boycott Georgia if Religious Liberty Bill Is Passed
–– Suspend plans to film Pete's Drag On there.

Danger from laminates underestimated
–– Authorities: ‘They’re slicker than we thought.’

Jerry Jones: CTE, football link is 'absurd'
–– It's 'kick in the head.’

Donald Trump Threatens to "Spill the Beans" on Ted Cruz's Wife
–– In latest slang for ‘masturbate on dress.’

New revelations about Pluto
–– 3. Liked to get Goofy.

Dramatic images reveal coral bleaching in Great Barrier Reef
–– Goes from pink to blond.

Pro-gun activist accidentally shot by son to face charge
–– Adding insult to irony.

Sarah Palin to host reality show as TV judge
–– Judge Doody.

Amb. Khalilizad: Obama squandered success of the Surge
–– Could’ve had way more American casualties.

NATO: Belgium Explosions a 'Cowardly Attack'
–– Craven attention.

A vegetarian world would be healthier, cooler and richer
–– And smugger.

Authories: Flight attendant fled LAX, leaving behind cocaine-filled luggage
–– DEA agents make killing.

China says Philippine fishermen used fire bombs in South China Sea
–– Had to admit they caught lots of fish.

Cruz, Kasich: No Interest In Being Trump's VP
–– Trump: ’That’s OK, we’re gonna do The Celebrity VIce-President to pick one.’

Seven GOP senators backed Garland for judgeship 19 years ago, explaining why they oppose him
–– “Baa-aa, baa-aa, baa-aa.”

Passengers Say MTA Bus Driver Was Reaching For Water Bottle Before FDR Crash
–– To wash down barbituates.

Health insurance gains due to Obama's law, not economy
–– Damned socialism!

Atlantic City warns city government will shut down in April
–– Christie anxious to repeat pattern with casinos in rest of state.

The Secret of Trump’s Self-Funded Campaign: It’s Dirt Cheap
–– Because it's dirt.

Lionsgate to Slash 'Ascendant' Budget as 'Divergent' Franchise Fizzles
–– Renames series Descendant.

Zayn Malik Reveals What He Was Not Allowed to Do in One Direction
–– Sing without autotune.

FanDuel, DraftKings shut down daily fantasy sports games in New York
–– Unemployed bros go back to betting on Call of Duty.

Pharaoh Ramesses III Killed by Multiple Assailants, Radiologist Says
–– Not sure who delivered mummy shot.

Why Merrick Garland will never be a Supreme Court justice
–– But could be country singer with that name.

Chipotle Rolls Out More Freebies to Woo You Back
–– Imodiyummie treats to pop right after your burrito.

Release of CO2 fastest in 66 million years: study
–– Chipotle should hand out briefs with carbon filters.

Castros welcome Obama to Cuba with a slap in the face
–– Traditional Havanese greeting.

Canned tuna recall widens
–– Charlie sorry.

On my knees giving thanks to men? No way, says Serena Williams
–– Won't receive lip service.

Indian Wells' tournament director steps down after sexist comments
–– Backhanded remarks.

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford dies
–– Body will not require formaldehyde.

Donald Trump on Elizabeth Warren: 'Who's that, the Indian?'
–– 'Who said that, the billionaire?'

FBI may have found a way into terrorist's iPhone
–– Turn to Apple picker.

Hulk Hogan Awarded Additional $25 Million in Punitive Damages in Gawker Lawsuit
–– Foreman to blog: "You don't look so bad, here's another."

Margot Robbie Attached to Tonya Harding Film
–– A career capper.

Bill Clinton: Hillary can 'put the awful legacy of the last eight years behind us'
–– She spent too much time at home.

Lena Dunham Says She’s Received ‘More Hostility’ for Backing Clinton Over Sanders
–– She feels the Bern: wanted to physically on Girls episode, but Sanders said no.

‘Boaty McBoatface' could be name for UK's $300 million polar research ship
–– Ahh, the genius of online polling!

World’s sexiest ruin?
–– Sophia Loren’s still got it.

Dinesh D'Souza to Marry, Ted Cruz's Father to Handle the Nuptials
–– Even he’ll need rubber gloves.

Waitress stiffed for not looking 'normal'
–– Many stiffed for looking ‘good enough.’

Puerto Rico has become 'dead dog island'
–– In edgy tourism posters.

Hikers find skull near Hollywood sign in Los Angeles
–– Empty, of course.

Spring equinox is upon us
–– Doesn’t understand ‘no means no.’

Scott Baio Endorses Donald Trump: "He Speaks Like I Speak"
–– “Y’now, stupid-like.”

How does Gawker survive Hogan verdict?
–– Bacteria is pretty hearty.

Week of 03/18/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Hogan awarded $115M over sex tape
–– Outgrossed Erin Andrews. Made more money, too.

Fox News Fires Back at Trump, Calls His "Obsession" With Megyn Kelly "Sick"
–– Hires Erin Andrews' lawyer.

Ted Cruz Day One: How feasible is his conservative checklist?
–– Modeled on Sixth Day of Genesis.

Patti Davis Remembers: Mom Nancy Reagan Suspected I Was Having an Affair with My Teacher 'And Kept Silent'
–– Kind of like when she heard about AIDS.

Report: Sting to retire from wrestling due to neck injury
–– To his guitar?

Woman Files Lawsuit After Surgeon-In-Training Removes Wrong Body Part
–– Has to sign suit with left foot.

‘Fickle’ millennials blamed for Chipotle’s downward spiral
–– No, ‘fecal’ ones.

Paris gets sausages and steaks 24/7 from vending machine
–– In Place Vend’em.

Franklin Graham: Vote for the 'Least Heathen' Candidate
–– One with shortest horns.

Hassan Aboud, an ISIS Commander, Dies From Battlefield Wounds
–– Was Aboud time.

Ben Carson’s Camp Plots Vice Presidential Bid
–– Including campaign stops on Pluto.

“Little Marco” Could Be Looking at a Big Payday
–– Latest slang for Rubio's pecker.

Dog lost at sea found 5 weeks later
–– One salty dog.

Police release picture of Kurt Cobain suicide shotgun
–– Wayne LaPierre in Nirvana.

Madonna exposes fan's breast onstage during concert
–– Boob on boob crime.

Bald eagle hatches on webcam
–– Hacked by avian pervert.

Trump’s club staffed by foreign workers
–– His 'staff clubbed' by foreign workers.

Apple’s CEO Tim Cook Responds to Donald Trump's Demands to Boycott Its Products
–– 'Can we put that in our ads?'

I went from Wall Street...to working at Waffle House
–– Iron-ic.

‘Finding Nemo,' second film to get Navajo translation, opens in theaters
–– In Singapore, oddly.

Salah Abdeslam's fingerprints found in raided Brussels apartment, official says
–– Terrorists untidy housekeepers.

Apple’s Siri Pinpoints Browns Stadium as 'Sadness in Cleveland'
–– Which is like identifying pimple on tumor.

25 years after beer-can pelting, cheers for LGBT group in parade
–– Sons of Hibernia now claim they were just offering free brews.

Rabbis to boycott Trump speech
–– Fear it'll be more boring and rambling then theirs.

Adam LaRoche Retired After White Sox Requested He Bring Son into Clubhouse Less
–– Bat boy.

Frank Sinatra Jr. dies while on tour
–– Singing I Bit It My Way.

McConnell to Dems: You started it
–– Adds: ‘Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.’

SeaWorld says, 'So long, Shamu’
–– Shamu clicks, 'Here, c'mon and stand on my nose, again, motherf**ker!'

Inside Tokyo's secretive sumo stables
–– Which smell like equine variety.

Sources: Fox News cancels GOP debate
–– Citing mercy rule.

Graphic account of Hulk Hogan sex tape read in Florida court
–– Jurors provided with barf bags.

Recall Issued After Mom Discovers Pedophile Symbol on Popular Children's Toy
–– Indicating potential 'choking' hazard.

How GOP is trying to stop Trump
–– Elephant gun. No, that’s for Christie.

Trump, Cruz vow to barricade Kasich from convention
–– Block door with horizontal Christie.

Feds Bust Celebrity Nude-Photo Hacker
–– Bust and butt.

Argentina sinks Chinese vessel, cites illegal fishing
–– Ignored hook, line.

Shipwreck believed to be part of Vasco da Gama's fleet
–– Americans search for third-grade social studies books to see why they should care.

Russia suddenly leaving Syria
–– Capital reacts: 'Dumb ass kiss!'

Unpaid subprime car loans hit 20-year high
–– Bank bubble inflates like Takata airbag.

Norway’s far-right terrorist Anders Breivik gives Nazi salute in court
–– Trump waves back.

A mass murderer responsible for killing 77 people is suing Norway over prison conditions that would be luxurious by US standards
–– Penal officials: 'He slays us.'

Joanne Dennehy: Triple killer sues for prison trauma
–– Upon advice in letter from Norwegian pen pal.

Steven Spielberg, Harrison Ford Reuniting for Fifth ‘Indiana Jones’
–– Indiana Jones and the Ancient Bones.

How Should 'Indiana Jones' Be Rebooted?
–– With Air Cam Walker for bum leg.

What Matt Cassel should buy with his $58 bonus from Bills
–– A new agent.

Could Hillary Clinton face the same fate as David Petraeus?
–– Have affair with unstable journalist and lose mind?

Cruz Says He'll Support Trump Unless He Actually Shoots Someone
–– And not just self in foot.

Russian parliamentarians are asking Putin to punish Hillary Clinton
–– In Fifty Shades online fan fiction.

Donald Trump taunts supporter Chris Christie to his face at rally
–– So much face to taunt to.

O.J. Simpson -- No DNA On Buried Knife
–– Used condom for prison sex.

Matthew Perry to Star as Ted Kennedy Opposite Katie Holmes in ‘The Kennedys’ Sequel on Reelz
–– Will require stunt liver.

For Donald Trump, ‘Get ’Em Out’ Is the New ‘You’re Fired’
–– And Republican Party, the new Marla Maples.

Olivia Wilde is throwing a Beyonce-themed party for her toddler son
–– With 2-year-olds in cop uniforms boycotting it.

Sheriff’s office weighing charges against Trump
–– Hasn't got big enough scale.

North Korea to test warhead
–– As they term Kim’s yearly mental exam.

ELP star Keith Emerson 'shot himself because he could no longer perform perfectly for his fans' 
–– Um, the female ones, right?

Jerry Seinfeld's Porsches go for $22 million
–– Make yada yada yada noise when you turn keys.

Bangladesh 'optimistic' it will get $101 million back after bank heist
–– Also 'hopeful' that will cover its 24USD Billion debt.

Todd Palin injured in snow machine crash, Sarah Palin cancels Trump events
–– Rushes to husband's side via shopping trip to Nome.

Palin on Trump protesters: 'Punk-ass, little thuggery'
–– 'Mr. Donald J. Trump is all about epic thuggery.'

Pro-Trump pastor: Bernie's 'gotta have a come to Jesus meeting'
–– 'Cause them Jews stick together.'

More staffers flee Breitbart News over Trump
–– Must turn in make-believe press credentials.

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders ready to rumble
–– Indigestion common in elderly.

17 elephants jet into the U.S. from Swaziland despite protests
–– From other passengers in tourist class.

A girl and her therapy cat
–– She suffers from high self-esteem.

Penguin reunites with his best human friend
–– Waiter at fancy Antarctic restaurant.

After Flint Crisis, Michigan Governor Faces Recall Push
–– Should be lead away.

Egyptian man sentenced to 3 years in prison for calling women immoral
–– Court doesn’t want Egyptian men to feel they’re raping sluts.

ISIS Pushes Birth Control to Maintain Sex-Slave Supply
–– Catholic Church doesn't because boys can't get pregnant.

Trump justifies 'sucker punch’
–– His version of 'drinking the Kool-Aid.'

Two hurt after Iron Maiden's plane collides with truck
–– Band blames metal fatigue.

Rubio picks up D.C. delegates
–– In rented car.

Overdue California quake greater than thought, report says
–– Aren’t words ‘may be’ missing?

Fisherman: I caught a 2,500-pound shark with rod, reel
–– Threw him back, have this still from Jaws as proof.

Chipotle bosses' pay halved
–– Rest down toilet.

Trump startled on stage at rally 
-– Uttered verifiable fact.

Trump blames Sanders supporters for Chicago unrest; protester tries to rush stage
–– Blames Hillary's for uteri.

Week of 03/11/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trudeau not worried about Donald Trump, has faith in 'better angels of American nature'
Rumors of pot use resurface.

Top executives out at Wounded Warrior Project
–– Careers fragged.

Obama: We can't fetishize our phones
–– Even when Siri tells us to lick home button, call her Madam.

Disney, Pixar Misrepresent Class Struggle in Children's Films, Study Finds
–– Except in Alice in Workerland.

Double mastectomies have tripled
–– Now sextuple mastectomies?

U.S. says North Korean submarine missing
–– Was out of range of radio remote control.

Uniquely Canadian approach to ISIS
–– Occasionally dropping f-bombs.

Sharon Osbourne Nude Selfie Goes Viral!
–– She did cover her Ozzy.

A Man Found A Squirrel Dying Underneath A Tree In Poland. Now, They’re Inseparable
–– Because rodent loves nuts.

Stephen Colbert Says "Less Than Zero Chance" Donald Trump Will Be President
–– With fingers and toes crossed.

ISIS commander still alive, badly wounded: Syria Observatory
–– Lucky missile hit head.

After a Leak of 22,000 Terrorists’ Names, Heads Will Roll at ISIS
–– Actually, would've rolled anyway.

An unusual Muslim response to Donald Trump's comments
–– Because we can't read Arabic.

Trump supporter who punched protester arrested
Still in running for Secretary of Defense.

`Chumlee` From `Pawn Stars` Arrested in Las Vegas
For collateral damage.

Caitlyn Jenner Says Donald Trump Is ‘Good for Women’s Issues,’ Hillary Clinton Is a ‘F–king Liar’
Ergo Trump would be fantastic for Hillary.

Chicago Crime Spikes As Police Avoid Becoming 'The Next Viral Video'
Awkward cops 'camera shy'.

Minnesota diners stunned by image of black man hanging at Joe's Crab Shack
–– Didn't think he'd linger.

Let’s scrap the GOP and start over
–– Or just scrap.

Huge glacier collapses in Argentina
Exhausted by all the global warming talk.

Dog whisperer Cesar Millan faces probe over animal cruelty allegations
–– Yelled in certain ears.

How Justin Bieber’s “Love Yourself” Has Become a Global Phenomenon
–– Attributed to number of jerkoffs worldwide.

Obama, Trudeau trade Bieber jokes
–– PM tries to trade his citizenship.

President Obama jokes about Ted Cruz at White House state dinner
–– By simply mentioning name and White House in same sentence.

Marissa Mayer is in the fight of her life
–– It's Yahoo serious.

Harry Styles 'offered role in Christopher Nolan's war film Dunkirk'
–– Will be given one direction.

Source: Yale basketball captain expelled after sexual allegation
–– He'd bull dog.

Woman hides child in carry-on bag
–– All 2-year-olds should be in overhead bins.

Make pencils, create 400,000 jobs?
–– They have a point.

‘Islam hates us,' Trump says
–– Should be royal 'us'.

The 23 questions ISIS asks recruits
–– 19. How about 32 virgins and balance in headless sex slaves?

Daisy Ridley responds to online criticism: 'I will not apologize for how I look’
–– And the acting?

Elderly Bear Rescued From Captivity Undergoes Shocking Transformation After Hibernating for the First Time
–– She credits ‘getting away from the grandkids.’

7 Ways Batman Could Actually Beat Superman In Dawn Of Justice
–– 5. Challenge to tongue twister contest.

Gun Advocate Mom is Accidentally Shot in the Back By Her 4-Year-Old Son: Cops
–– Can you spell I-R-O-N-Y?

Dos Equis is retiring 'The Most Interesting Man In The World'
–– Rubio campaign hires him as charisma donor.

Zoey Deutch Books Key Role In ‘Rebel In The Rye’
–– As slice of ham.

Donald Trump says he has spent $30 million so far running for president, and his campaign manager says he's never getting that money back
–– But the hate he's bought: Priceless.

Padma Lakshmi on Sex With Salman Rushdie and the End of Their Tempestuous Marriage
–– Nicknamed him Salman Rushdit.

IHOP’s president reveals the one personality trait that turns him off in a job interview
–– Waffling.

GOP Attacks Democrat Who Lost Both Legs In Iraq For 'Not Standing' For Vets
–– She will take it sitting down.

An Open Letter to Hulk Hogan (and Gawker) from the Iron Sheik
–– In crayon.

Forget fracking. Choking and lifting are latest efforts to stem U.S. shale bust
–– And Republicans stopping Trump campaign.

Donald Trump even decides what Chris Christie eats
–– Him usually.

The Duggars Speak Out on Life After Scandal and Forgiving Josh: We 'Have Forgiven Him,' But 'The Trust Is Not There’
–– He can’t have the funds.

Wall Street is gripped by something called 'juniorization' and it is freaking some people out
–– Jared Fogle had that.

Kim Jong Un Poses Beside Possible Nuclear Warhead Mock-Up
–– Round and squat, just like him.

N. Korea vows nuke strike, again
–– Kim: Little Sir icko.

2 officers charged in slapping teen
–– After he turned other cheek.

Stolen radioactive material found in Mexico
–– Warming El Chapo's cell.

Idaho shooting suspect linked to manifesto on Martians
–– Scribbled on gun license application.

The Beatles Producer Sir George Martin Dies at 90, Ringo Starr Confirms
–– He is not, at this time, a suspect.

Feds: Brink's employee makes off with $196,000 in quarters
–– But loaded pockets made it impossible to elude pursuers.

‘Dentist of horror' goes on trial in France, accused of mutilating patients' mouths
–– Dental damned.

Chuck Norris Hits The Campaign Trail For Ted Cruz
–– After kicking, flipping and pinning it.

Trump and the small hands equals small manhood myth, or reality?
–– What about the eensy cerebellum?

Romney records robocalls for Rubio and Kasich
–– All his calls robotic.

Why AC/DC is halting shows
–– Didn't provide outlet.

Trump responds to Hitler comparison
–– 'Heil be darned!'

Mr. Darcy’s Shirt Is Coming to America
–– It and fans still wet.

Christie Rebuked for Taking Vacation as NJ Transit Strike Looms
–– He and wife had long planned romantic stay up Trump’s ass.

NJ Transit, rail unions back at bargaining table Monday as strike looms
–– Try to lure Christie with salty snacks.

‘Captain America: Civil War' Is "'The Godfather' of Superhero Movies," Says Robert Downey Jr.
–– Let’s hope he’s Sonny.

Erin Andrews Awarded $55M in Lawsuit Over Nude Video Posted Online
–– Power to the peephole!

Hulk Hogan Testifies That Gawker's Sex Tape "Turned My World Upside Down"
–– Wishes ‘I could cry as pretty as Erin Andrews.’

Man finds massive python under car hood
–– Returns to NAPA for proper fan belt.

How 'Downton Abbey' fans faced the series finale
–– With stiff upper lip and spiked tea.

Michael Bloomberg decides against run for president
–– Tradition dictates one delusional billionaire at a time.

Maria Sharapova admits to failing drug test, will be provisionally banned
–– Contingent on sport finding replacement babe.

What is the Sharapova drug?
–– And will it make me hot?

Rubio Talks Nancy Reagan's Passing on Trail
–– She died hiking?

Sister of Nancy Reagan Astrologer Joan Quigley: "Nancy Listened Religiously to What Joan Had to Say"
–– Told Ronnie: "Moon is in Uranus."

Trump Makes His Case for Waterboarding Against ISIS
–– Saw it work on 24.

How Will ‘Brexit’ Impact International Trade?
–– And future of lame-ass portmanteaus?

Kate Moss Won’t Be Questioned By Police Over Cocaine Discovered In Her Mercedes
–– Nor traces found in her trunk.

Moviegoers Flock to Zootopia Instead of the Racist Gerard Butler Movie
–– Though it did get modest Trump Bump.

Cruz gains steam with 2 wins on ‘Super Saturday'
–– Now full of hot air.

Couple’s Divergent Interests May Result In Future Split
–– She loves sci-fi tween movie series, he hates.

New poll fuels Kasich’s hopes in Michigan
–– Dried manure.

The Week the Republican Party Melted Down
–– Leaving grey puddle with two tusks in it.

That knife allegedly found on O.J. Simpson’s property says plenty about why he was acquitted
–– If you speak blade.

Will Marco Rubio Pull Out of Florida?
–– State must be sore by now.

Ryan: 'This party does not prey on people's prejudices'
–– ‘We pray for people’s prejudices.’

Children react to Donald Trump
–– As they would scary clown.

U.S. military spending millions to make cyborgs a reality
–– Sponsoring Six Million Dollar Man remake.

Inventor of email dies at 74
–– Forwarded to maker.

Trump campaign shows cracks
–– Ass cracks.

Donald Trump on torture: 'We have to beat the savages'
–– Franchise chain of Gitmos.

Celebrities Who Shockingly Endorse Donald Trump For President: Mike Tyson & More
–– With brain damage.

9-foot alligator pulled from backyard pool
–– For peeing in it.

In active shooter situation, don't just stand there…
–– Um, Goose? Gander? Chicken?

Robert Redbird, iconic Native American artist, dies
–– Off the reservation.

Man wins $291 million in lottery, brother wins $7
–– Just enough to buy dose of strychnine.

Iranian billionaire sentenced to death
–– To impress Bernie Sanders just in case he wins.

Al Qaeda: We didn't kill nuns
–– Describe it as ‘bad habit.’

Florida scuba diver says he was sucked into nuclear plant intake pipe
–– Was nuclear fishin’.

‘Muppets’ Director in Early Talks for '23 Jump Street-Men In Black' Crossover Movie
–– Crossing over shark.

Louis C.K. Compares Donald Trump to Hitler: ‘He’s an Insane Bigot’
–– Trump: ‘C.K.,vot kind of a name is that?’

Father in Georgia hot-car death indicted for allegedly 'sexting' with minors
–– In which he bragged about hot car.

Week of 03/04/16

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Christie Faces Calls to Quit, Approval Drop After Backing Trump
–– Least popular decision in state since Snooki opted to have baby.

Donald Trump reverses position on torture, killing terrorists' families
–– Was for CIA doing it, now wants to do himself.

Ben Carson ends campaign, will lead Christian voter group
–– Aiming to exorcise Trump supporters.

The world is running low on old single malt Scotch
–– Angus at Dundee’s Sheep’s Arse Inn claims credit.

Longest nonstop flight finally lands
–– Amelia Earhart deplanes at O’Hare.

Schneiderman: Trump University fraud 'pretty straightforward’
–– ‘Kinda like presidential campaign's.’

Sacha Baron Cohen's New Movie Gives Donald Trump AIDS
–– It must've been fucking with him.

Spain seizes 20,000 ISIS, al-Nusra uniforms
–– To outfit broke police departments.

Chrissy Teigen Hints She's Taken a 'Dip in the Lady Pond'
–– Diving for pearls?

Bird Poop Likely Caused N.Y. Nuclear Reactor Outage
–– Explains power dropping.

Caitlyn Jenner offers to be Ted Cruz's 'trans ambassador' if he wins presidency
–– Cruz says he'd post him to Transylvania.

Ohio man who ate roommate's brain denied parole for sixth time
–– Board of one mind after chewing it over.

The GOP Wants Ben Carson to Run for This Office Instead
–– Dog catcher.

Pope replies to letter from juvenile gang member jailed in Los Angeles
–– Signs it Blood of Christ.

Team Romney explores blocking Trump at RNC
–– Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir form human wall.

Donald Trump defends size of his penis
–– That's not the tiny head we're worried about.

Python swallows teddy bear
–– Feels stuffed.

First gray hair gene found
–– In Anderson Cooper's jeans.

Soccer icon Brandi Chastain to donate brain for CTE research
–– Will first lend it to researchers during off season.

ESPN's Mike Ditka blasts Obama as worst president ever, says he'll probably vote for Trump
–– Pledges to donate brain to primatologists.

Cities with longest commutes
–– Oz, King’s Landing, Coruscant.

Scorn, ridicule heaped on Christie
–– And he already had full plate.

Astronaut Kelly now taller than twin
–– And longer.

DOJ grants immunity to ex-Clinton staffer who set up email server
–– Trey Gowdy shits self.

For the next Justice, Americans want a nominee and a hearing
–– Judge Judy in prime time.

Power goes out in Syria -- all of it
–– Except Presidential Palace.

Bin Laden's will made public
–– Bequest to NPR surprises some.

Sports Authority goes bankrupt
–– Ran out of athletic supporters.

7.9 quake strikes off Indonesia
–– Refuses to work its way ashore.

Syria’s Assad: We've shown restraint, but 'everything has a limit'
–– ‘Except my capacity for deceit.’

Donald Trump: 'There's nobody that's done so much for equality'
–– ‘By reminding decent people that racism isn't dead.'

Osama bin Laden Feared Wife’s Tooth Held a Tracking Device
–– Doesn’t every wife have one on her somewhere?

Eva Amurri Fires Nanny Who Wanted to “F--k Her Husband’s Brains Out”
–– “And he doesn’t have that much to spare.”

Bristol Palin Posts Photo of Daughter Sailor Grace, Says Baby 'Looks Exactly Like Her Daddy'
–– ‘Note the drool.’

Peeping Tom Details How He Recorded Erin Andrews: 'I'm Not Proud of What I Did'
–– ‘The lighting could’ve been better.’

Common-law wife says drug lord El Chapo has health problems
–– Chapoed lips.

Joe Scarborough: Trump's KKK ignorance ‘disqualifying'
–– ‘And I say that as someone who would love to get under the sheets with him.’

A Trump-Loving Goldman Sachs Employee Has Been Placed on Leave
–– Told to take 'mental health month.'

Comedian Katt Williams arrested on battery charge in Georgia
–– For being AAA-hole.

This Gun Control Study Suggests a Clear Link Between Firearm Regulation and Gun Deaths
–– Took twenty minutes to complete.

A brief guide to the Republican presidential candidates and their guns
–– With bullet points.

KKK leader: Request for police security denied before rally
–– ‘What, do they think we’re a bunch of Negro teens?’

Woman Surprises Husband by Asking Pilots to Announce Pregnancy Over Plane Intercom
–– Because one of them knocked her up.

Bill O’Reilly Loses Custody of Kids in Unanimous Court Ruling
–– They’d seen his show.

Justice Thomas poses questions, stuns Supreme Court crowd
–– Is pointed way to mens room.

Mummified body of German adventurer found inside yacht
–– Flying Dutchman touches down.

The cure for your junk food cravings? Sleep
–– Ambien stuffed Twinkies.

Mark Zuckerberg is 'very concerned' about ISIS threats
–– Tries to unsubscribe from Fatwabook.

Six tips that could make you smarter
–– 6. Stop reading now.

Black students escorted out of Trump rally
–– Forced to shuffle and grin on way out.

JCPenney is back from the dead
–– With specials on shrouds, coffin duvets and men’s suits split down back.

Google’s self-driving car at fault in accident
–– Had no insurance.

Vatican Media Praises 'Spotlight' as Giving Voice to Victims
–– ‘We especially like when they squeal.’

Ikea To Use Mushroom-Based Packaging That Will Decompose In A Garden Within Weeks
–– And grow dozens of new packages when it rains.

Polish Directors’ Guild Expresses ‘Outrage’ at Public Television Network’s Attack on Oscar-Winning Film ‘Ida’
–– By Zbig Bird.

Sylvester Stallone's Brother Calls Oscar Snub "Total Hollywood Bullshit"
–– In Sly reference.

SEAL gets Medal of Honor
–– Balances on nose, claps.

Vanden Heuvel Says 'Don't Write Sanders' Political Obituary' After SC Loss
–– But have shovel handy.

Kim Kardashian Reports That None of Us "Get" Kanye West
–– Because we never finished psychiatric training.

In symbolic move, Starbucks to open first shop in Italy
–– Doesn't make whole latte sense.

Felger: Manning would would love to pull a Favre
–– If Favre would let him.

Church 'mucked up' with paedophile priests: Vatican finance chief
–– Father muckers.

106 Burmese pythons captured in Florida, including 15-footer
–– In kayak.

Here’s how a boat wrecked SpaceX's chances for a historic rocket launch
–– You Musk be kidding.

‘She Hasn't Aged a Day!' Jacob Tremblay Posts Cute Flashback Documenting His Friendship With Sofia Vergara on Instagram
–– 'Same firm jugs she nursed me with.'

Jacob Tremblay's hot parents are tonight's real Oscar stars
–– Get a Room!

Gov. John Bel Edwards blasts Bobby Jindal, calling him "the most irresponsible governor who has ever governed Louisiana”
–– Kingfish looks up from below and smiles.

Christie Splits With His Past in Backing Trump
–– Abandons political expediency for craven opportunism.

Donald Trump Blames Earpiece for Declining to Disavow David Duke
–– More likely mouthpiece.

Review: With Chris Rock, the Oscars Find a Lucky Pairing of Host and Subject
–– White guilt meets black humor.

Trump defends Mussolini tweet
–– Axis if we care.

Oscars In Memoriam Snubs Include Abe Vigoda, Tony Burton, Uggie the Dog
–– Uggie rolls over in grave –– adorably.

Leonardo DiCaprio Wins First Oscar, Says "Climate Change is Real"
–– Likely caused by stars blowing smoke up each others’ asses.

ISIS saves Warthog from scrapheap
–– Ordering fleet from Northrop Grumman.

‘Fifty Shades of Grey' tops Razzie Awards
–– Safe word for producers: 'Oscar'.

Kasich: It's Ohio or bust for me
–– Bust of woman who left kitchen.

Frequency of E-Cigarette Explosions May Force FDA to Regulate
–– Or sell blooper reels.

Game Changer: How Big Is Christie’s Endorsement of Trump?
–– You see that belly? x 3!

Rubio explains why he decided to take on Trump now
–– Holds up copy of latest Florida poll.

Boston Chef Arrested for Carrying 20 Pounds of Edibles Across Canadian Border
–– In lower digestive tract.

Ku Klux Klan rally in Anaheim erupts in violence; 3 are stabbed and 13 arrested
–– Have long rap sheets.

El Chapo demands just one condition for US extradition, lawyers say
–– Dart board with Sean Penn photo for cell.

Clinton Smothers Sanders in South Carolina
–– In biscuits and gravy.

Kasich: 'Nobody's asked me to drop out'
–– Don’t realize he’s still running.

Trump: 'I know nothing about white supremacists'
–– In voice of Hogan’s Heroes’ Sgt. Schultz.

The G.O.P.’s Last-Ditch Effort to Stop Trump
–– Digging one big enough for elephant's corpse.

Cruz implores voters to say, 'This is my country, damn it'
–– And he’d damn it.

‘Teen Wolf' star joins 'Fifty Shades of Grey' sequel
–– Hair on palms sold casting director.

Flint paid highest water bills in 2015, survey finds
–– Lead ain’t cheap.

Is Trump University his Achilles' heel?
–– If you attended, ignore the reference.

Ex-Mexican leader: Trump like Hitler
–– He love Mussolini.

Trump stares down man in 'KKK' shirt
–– Gaping in admiration.

MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry walks off show in protest
–– Rerun of Lockup quadruples audience to eight.

Lands' End apologizes to conservative customers for celebrating Gloria Steinem
–– And stylish customers for celebrating beige.

13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 2015 2014 2013