Headbangers 12/15
Headbangers 11/15
Headbangers 10/15
Headbangers 09/15
Headbangers 08/15
Headbangers 07/15
Headbangers 06/15
Headbangers 05/15
Headbangers 04/15
Headbangers 03/15
Headbangers 02/15
Headbangers 01/15
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 12/25/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

FedEx drivers volunteer to work extra shifts on Christmas
Or Jeff Bezos will volunteer to kick their asses.

TSA changes body-scanner rules
–– Bend over and smile.

A thought for those alone this Christmas
–– Even Scrooge had more friends then you.

Timothy Peake, British Astronaut, Dials Wrong Number in Space
'Is this Dr.Who?' 'Who?' 'Yes, Who.' 'No, who?' 'Who.' 'Who?'

Marco Rubio Looks in the Mirror and Sees a Republican Obama
–– Shrieks like 8-year-old girl.

Pope calls for peace in Holy Land, end to other conflicts
–– And orchestra tickets to Hamilton.

As Oil Money Melts, Alaska Mulls First Income Tax in 35 Years
–– Removing last possible excuse for living there.

Where the bows in holiday car commercials come from
–– Mrs. Claus' extra-wide bustle.

Knicks player allegedly robbed by two women he brought home from a nightclub
–– New York nick.

Suspect in Colorado Shooting Wants to Be His Own Lawyer
–– Whatever gets him convicted fastest.

A Christmas Economy Thrives All Year in the Mountains of Mexico
–– Where snow is made in labs.

Fernande Grudet, ‘Madame Claude’ Who Ran High-Society Call-Girl Ring, Dies at 92
–– For first time demons pay for sex.

Brazilians told: Don't get pregnant
–– Government: As we screw you.

Carson to shake up staff
–– By sharing another insane conspiracy theory.

Madonna’s Son Rocco Forced to Visit Her in NYC for Holidays in Court Ruling
–– Also mandates perfunctory hug.

Candidates on front lines of drug epidemic
–– Driving Americans to addiction.

Will Steve Harvey get another chance?
–– Hired by RNC to announce new president next Election Day.

Saudi to diversify economy away from oil: King Salman
–– Envisions sand sculpture as next big export.

Dog Gets Adopted From ‘Death Row’ Animal Shelter And Can’t Contain His Excitement
–– ‘OK, boy, give me back my leg.’

2015 Was The Year Obama Gave Zero F**ks
–– Joining me concerning this story.

Quentin Tarantino on Why He Will Quit Making Movies
–– Actually got to catch a few of his own.

Stephen Colbert: Trump campaign is ‘appealing'
–– ‘To coprophagists.’

UK Muslims with Disneyland plans: We were barred from plane due to religion
–– It’s a small world, after all.

For 'Festivus,' Paul airs grievances against GOP, Democratic rivals
–– Only man grumpier than Frank Costanza.

Baghdad holds Miss Iraq pageant for the first time in 43 years
–– All nine contestants performed same talent: staying alive.

Vatican Paper Slams ‘Star Wars’ Calling It ‘Confused And Hazy’
–– ‘The Force makes Immaculate Conception sound logical.’

Nicolas Cage returns his Tyrannosaurus skull to Mongolia
–– Is that what he used to choose roles?

Review-Journal editor steps down in wake of Adelson family purchase
–– Family bought by Satan.

Clinton moved by girl's question
–– Stepped around it.

David Foster Defends His Ex Yolanda Foster: Don't Question Her Lyme Disease
–– It doesn't understand English.

There’s a sinister theory for why the Mexican government can’t take down fugitive drug lord 'El Chapo' Guzmán
–– Netflix wants him for potential third season of Narcos.

Ted Cruz goes over the edge on immigration
–– Borders on the idiotic.

Quentin Tarantino Receives Star on Walk of Fame
–– Decoratively splattered with red paint.

Sad circumstances surround driver accused of driving into Las Vegas crowd
–– Also surround 35 she ran down and one she killed.

Vegas hit-run suspect Lakeisha Holloway was lauded for turning life around
–– Before making fatal uey.

Vegas driver was 'scared little girl'
–– Then should’ve been on trike.

Secret Service agent's gun, badge stolen near White House
–– Was able to hold onto whiskey bottle.

‘Concussion’ script repulsed Will Smith
–– Effect final film should have on moviegoers.

NFL Drama 'Concussion' Has Already Been Screened for "a Few Hundred" Players
–– Who can’t remember a thing they saw.

Donald Trump: Hillary Clinton 'got schlonged' in 2008
–– Spoken like a true dick.

Donald Trump on Hillary Clinton Insult: "Schlonged" Is Not a Vulgar Term
–– Adds ‘you putz!’

Bear drags Scout leader into cave
–– For evening of romance.

iPhone autocorrects 'Lardass' to 'Kardashian,' Twitter users react
–– Corrects ‘Pariah’ to same.

At 24, she's just learning how to live
–– Zombie stops shuffling, lays off brains.

FIFA bans Sepp Blatter for 8 years
–– At which point he can resume criminal activities.

Graham ends White House bid
–– Returns to Tara.

Waste heap collapses; 91 missing
–– But Christie stays in race.

Frank Fiorina on life with Carly
–– ‘ Aaaaiiiiieeee!!!’

A Spaceballs Sequel? Here's The Truth
–– No one cares.

Supergirl to Battle Bizarro-Girl 
–– Producers hope Amanda Bynes can fit in costume.

9 Phrases Smart People Never Use In Conversation
–– 2. I read ‘9 phrases smart people never use in conversation.’

King Tut's wet nurse may have been his sister: expert
–– Princess Tit.

Giants fans are fighting in bathroom stalls and peeing in the corner after disappointing first half
–– While watching at home.

Jeremy Lin wrote a poignant Facebook post about stress and suicide in Silicon Valley
–– And Mark Zuckerberg wrote in Sports Illustrated about psychological toll of full court press.

The United States is scarier than the Islamic State
–– Which explains the mass exodus to Syria.

Self-Assured Obama Will Leave It on the Field for Gun Control
–– Groundskeepers will have to scoop it up.

Fired ‘Opie and Anthony’ Host Arrested for Domestic Violence
–– Opie and Dopie.

Miss Puerto Rico suspended
–– In mid-air.

Paul on Cruz: He wants it both ways
–– But prefers it from behind.

Steve Harvey Announces Wrong Winner Of Miss Universe: "I Feel Terrible”
–– “Don’t read so well, either.”

Deleted Snapchat suggests Miss Universe teleprompter gave Steve Harvey the wrong winner 
–– Teleprompter returned to Brian Williams.

Donald Trump On Miss Universe Blunder: “Never Would Have Happened” Under His Watch
–– Should return to job he was qualified for.

Trump: No proof Putin killed journalists
–– Dead men tell no tales.

Trump: Clinton 'lies like crazy'
–– ‘Not like my pal Vladdy.’

Martin Shkreli tweets: 'I will prevail’
–– In war on human decency.

Beginning to look less like white Christmas in Northeast
–– And more like Global Warming PSA.

Democratic Debate: Clinton Says Trump Is "Becoming ISIS’ Biggest Recruiter"
–– Angry Trump: “Make that hugest!”

Jeb Bush: ‘Donald Trump is a jerk;
–– Reconfirms title as Master of Obvious.

Week of 12/18/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

'Star Wars': The 5 Biggest 'Force Awakens' Spoilers You Don't Want To Know
3. J.J. is Jar Jar.

Time for these GOP candidates to quit
–– Pointing to entire field.

Navy investigating damage to guided-missile submarine that struck buoy
–– Oh buoy!

Nicki Minaj Hand-Picked the Cast of Her New Sitcom
–– Removed most of nits.

Super-thin French models must have doctor's note of health
–– Which they sometimes eat.

Mangia! Olive Garden's comeback continues
–– Meals come up again and again.

Trump says world truly hates the United States
–– But not enough –– I'll fix that.

Study: Cancer isn't just bad luck
–– It’s fucking awful luck.

Obama Case Against Ground War: Too Many U.S. Deaths
–– Cruz case for: not enough.

Man imprisoned for 28 years could be freed after confession
–– Admits he can’t stand food.

French police fire tear gas as 'over 800 migrants' storm Channel Tunnel
–– Chunnel vision.

Obama administration asks high court to reject Colorado marijuana case
–– Totally high court: ‘Like whoa!’

Bush: 'I've learned not to answer questions’
–– 'And to brush teeth and wipe self.'

Don’t Blame Mental Illness for Gun Violence
–– Though Wayne LaPierre is clearly crazy.

Ash Carter used personal email
–– To officially wish Hillary well over server scandal.

Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy punched by teen at campaign event
–– PM: ‘I’m hit with young people.’

Disney, SeaWorld install metal detectors
–– Carp tried sneaking in hook secreted in mouth.

Putin praises 'bright and talented' Trump
–– And lauds himself as ‘handsome and puckish.’

Trump lavishes praise on Putin
–– Mutual aggravation society.

Reviled drug CEO Martin Shkreli indicted by feds
–– Early Christmas gift for humanity.

What’s buried in spending bill?
–– Jimmy Hoffa?

Guns used by LA deputies put officers, public at risk, report says
–– Especially if public’s black.

Bill Carter: How Jimmy Fallon Crushed Stephen Colbert (and Everyone Else in Late Night)
–– In game of Celebrity Suck Up.

On Mideast, G.O.P. Rivals Offer Simple Answer: Bomb
–– Also simple answer for Clinton's candidacy.

Booger From 'Revenge of the Nerds' Penning Memoir
–– Tentatively entitled Pick Me.

Ethan Couch, the drunken driving 'affluenza' teen, missing from probation
–– Authorities suspect he’s drinking or driving.

Southwest flight skids off taxiway in Nashville
–– After too much Jack Daniels.

Why Lindsey Graham quoted 'The Princess Bride’
–– Was who he wanted to be when he grew up.

Texas plumber's truck used for terror
–– Customers dread bill.

Illicit Salmon Handling? Britain Prunes Silly Laws
–– Are serial fish fingerers silly?

Bill Cosby Sues 7 Accusers for Defamation
–– Asserts they were too doped up to remember.

Donald Trump Rally Turns Ugly: 'Light The Motherf**ker On Fire!’
–– Or, should we say, 'Uglier.'

Thai Man May Go to Prison for Insulting King’s Dog
–– That's a bitch.

‘Star Wars' Premiere: Bomb Sniffing Dogs, Metal Detectors on Hollywood Blvd.
–– In theatre dogs smell bomb.

Trump’s lab results 'astonishingly excellent,' his doctor says
–– Contracted verbal Hypertrumpism from patient.

Trump’s doctor: Trump 'will be healthiest individual ever elected' president
–– Physically, perhaps.

PGA champ goes 'Happy Gilmore'
–– By acting like unfunny idiot.

’Star Wars' fans fear spoilers
–– Lucas already provided with Episodes 1 through 3.

Pete Rose's Lifetime Ban Upheld by MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred
–– You can bet on it.

Syria’s Newest Airline Could Be Assad's Ally
–– Drops off rebel passengers without landing.

North Dakota's oil boom creates 'emerging market' for Mexico's cartels
–– Refer to state as Norte daCoca.

JEB BUSH: Here's how I'd deal with China
–– When I’m playing Risk after losing nomination.

Making money off murder: On Sandy Hook’s anniversary, new data shows mass shootings boost the gun industry’s profits
–– Announce Attack Friday and Sighter Monday sales.

Melanie Griffith, 58, Fires Back at Critics With Unfiltered Instagram Selfie: ''Say Some More Mean Things’'
–– OK, are those lips or an inflatable futon for hamsters?

Star Wars: 28 Things You Might Not Know About The Original Trilogy
–– 27. Was only slightly less ridiculous than maligned second trilogy.

Here’s what the opening scene of Star Wars: The Force Awakens sounds like
–– Ka-ching!

Russia is bracing for $30 oil in 2016
–– Kremlin to underwrite 300 ruble vodka.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Watched 'Jingle All the Way' on Vacation
–– Vacates bowels.

The Navy’s New $362 Million Ship Needs a Tow to Get Home
–– For future missions plan is to hitch to pod of dolphins.

‘Turkey dogs' coming to America
–– Don't even try to imagine how parents mated.

Angry Johnny Manziel smacks himself in the head with a tablet
–– Containing first five Commandments.

Rubio Says His Supreme Court Would Roll Back Marriage Equality
–– And outlaw assless chaps.

Larry Flynt Offers Up to $1M for Information on Ben Carson Advisor
–– Now that Carson is as irrelevant as Hustler.

Cruz opens up 10-point lead on Trump in Iowa
–– Good news?

Deepak Chopra: You are what you eat
–– He’s full of baloney.

Israel fires missile into space
–– Astronomers report Palestinians on moon.

Bowe Bergdahl Reveals Why He Left Afghan Military Base
–– Berghdahl good man?

Mandy Moore Requests Spousal Support for Pets
–– Claims hubby ‘screwed the pooch.’

San Bernardino shooter’s radicalization baffles Pakistani militants
–– Who just don’t get extremist thinking.

Marvel’s ‘Iron Fist’: Everything We Know (So Far)
–– The title.

Thousands opposed to new government march in Poland
–– Towards Berlin.

Joey Feek Leaves Hospice Bed to Play With Daughter After Being Previously Unable to Do So
–– Daughter on Feek?

Boyd Holdbrook Reveals Elizabeth Olsen Broke Up With Him By Phone the Day His Best Friend Died
–– Classic Good News/Bad News story.

Orangutan laughs hysterically at zoo magic trick
–– Male keeper makes banana disappear.

Stanley Kubrick Estate Rubbishes ‘Confession’ Video About Faking The Moon Landings
–– Mum on faking Eyes Wide Shut.

Anti-Racists Drown Out Islamophobic Rally Outside The White House
–– Counter-anti-racists hum in background.

Michael Cuddyer is retiring after 15 seasons
–– Met expectations.

Former teammate on Yasiel Puig: “He is the worst person I’ve ever seen in this game. Ever.”
–– Dodger blue.

’Careful, you're a journalist': Carly Fiorina battles CNN's Chris Cuomo over Planned Parenthood shooting
–– Who was she talking to?

Geminids meteor shower is peaking
-– About to come.

In wake of terrorist attacks, sheriffs call on citizens to take up arms
–– And play Cowboys and ISISians.

Week of 12/11/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Justice Scalia Under Fire For Comments About Black Students
Leaves critics hanging.

Le Pen: Trump Too Far Right Even for Me
–– Mussolini from beyond grave: ‘Ditto!’

Sam Mendes Pulls Out of 'Charlie'
–– Charlie 'sore', but 'grateful.'

Carson also threatens to bolt GOP
GOP 'sore', but 'grateful.'

Clinton Isn’t Laughing at Trump
–– Sure as shit isn’t laughing with him.

Jeb Bush Is Trying Hard to Not Be the Mitt Romney of 2016
–– By not getting nominated.

$700 million mine-hunting drone can't find explosives
–– But reliably roots out truffles.

Where’s winter? Record-setting warmth on tap for much of U.S.
–– Ten days away on December 21st.

Soccer star suspended in sex tape case
–– In kinky trapeze scene.

Teen gets dragged into woodchopper
–– Auditioning for HS production of Fargo.

Ex-NBAer 'Hot Rod' Williams dies
–– Spins out.

‘Today’ Show’s Willard Scott Retiring
–– Before he gets to wish self Happy 100th.

Iranian State Newspaper Writes Unprecedented Anti-Censorship Editorial
–– A headline and 42 blank lines.

Putin Proves Obama Prescient as Russia Faces Syria Quagmire
–– That's why he's called Prescient Obama.

Saudi Arabia and Iran Want to Keep Oil Prices Low to Hurt the U.S. -- But Will It Kill OPEC?
–– In case of petrocide.

Paul Ryan won't go there on Donald Trump
–– Though he's covered every other inch of him.

New littoral combat ship name sparks anger
–– Littorally.

Penis transplants may help troops
–– Stand at attention.

What it feels like to be a stormtrooper
–– By Heinrich Himmler.

Ronda Rousey is really, really sad
–– Well, her macha posturing is.

War on ISIS: Why Arab states aren't doing more
–– Don't want to get in way of Western dupes.

N. Korea claims it has H-bomb
–– As in Hair.

After decades, scientists succeed in breeding world's first IVF puppies
–– Because there simply aren’t enough dogs in world.

The middle class no longer dominates in the U.S.
–– Like it did on TV in 50s.

Lena Dunham Calls on "Power Bitches" to Hire More Women
–– Y'know, to bitch in.

Robert Lewis Dear yells, ‘I am a warrior for the babies’ during court appearance for Colorado Planned Parenthood shooting
–– The pro-life babies.

Scalia questions place of some black students in elite colleges
–– Who end up on Supreme Courts?

Pharma’s Bad Boy Exec Martin Shkreli Paid $2 Million for Wu-Tang Clan's New Record
–– Jacks up Daraprim price to cover.

‘They’ve picked a person who is ruining Germany’: Now Trump picks a fight with Time as he hits out after Angela Merkel beats him to be name Person of The Year
–– 'And I'm gonna ruin a way bigger country.'

'It's music for f***ing grannies': Noel Gallagher launches foul-mouthed rant about Adele's success
–– Well, if it gets the old girl in the mood…

Nicole Kidman receives shock SAG Award nomination for one of her most panned performances to date in the disaster Grace Of Monaco
–– Role a ‘car wreck.’

The Case for Banning Assault Weapons
–– Open and shot.

ISIS will 'drag you to hellfire,' Muslim leaders say
–– In latest recruitment ad.

Barbra Streisand on Hollywood's Double Standard: "What Does 'Difficult' Mean, Anyway?”
–– difficult (adjective) \ˈdif-i-kuhlt\: 1. Streisand.

Boy tells Santa heartbreaking fear
–– Of grown men who ask him to sit on lap.

‘No Child Left Behind' overhaul OK’d
–– Children can finally leave behind.

Why ISIS is 'afraid of girls’
–– Cooties.

Meet the 'Star Wars' Fans Lining Up in Hollywood 12 Days Before 'Force Awakens' Debuts
–– And bring thorazine.

Kim sends girl band to Beijing
–– The Jong-un the Restless.

The closest thing on Earth to Mars
–– Milky Way bar.

Philadelphia mayor: Donald Trump is an a**hole
–– Reading campaign’s latest bumper sticker.

Why Cruz won't slam Trump
–– Turds of a feather…

‘Identity’ is the Dictionary.com 2015 word of the year
–– According to unnamed sources.

Cops: Gator ate burglary suspect
–– After Gatorade burglary.

Why Finland wants to give every adult $10,000 a year
–– So they'll stay.

Mining company to cut 85,000 jobs
–– You know the drill.

Pig’s head thrown at Philadelphia mosque
–– Looks suspiciously like Trump.

What to know about a 'new' STD
–– Your 'old' lady's got it.

Boston College says students sick after eating at Chipotle
–– Stage massive shit-in.

Fox News suspends two commentators for profanity while criticizing Obama
–– Stating 'that's no way to talk about that anti-American, Muslim-loving community organizer.'

Ronnie Wood set to be a dad again at 68 -- and this time it's twins!
–– His stones still rolling.

Keurig Green Mountain bought for $13.9 billion by firm that owns Peet's Coffee
–– For Peet’s sake!

50 Years Later, Gay Talese Revisits ‘Frank Sinatra Has a Cold’
–– Though it never went viral.

Bill Murray Is Playing a Dog in Noted Dog-Hater Wes Anderson’s Next Movie About Dogs
–– Which will be dog.

Beatlemania! Ringo Starr auction nets record prices
–– All sales vinyl.

Marissa Mayer's severance package could reach $110 million
–– Investors can’t muster ‘Yahoo!’

‘Mx.’? Did The Times Adopt a New, Gender-Neutral Courtesy Title?
–– Or are they just mxed up?

Beijing issues 1st smog red alert
–– Can’t be seen by residents.

Morgan Freeman's plane makes forced landing after tires blow out
–– Actor thanked self for safe landing.

Obama to address terror tonight
–– As sir.

Top Jeb Bush donor would vote for Hillary over Donald
–– Displaying uncharacteristic good judgment.

Mark Hamill lost about 50 pounds on a brutal diet to be Luke Skywalker in 'Star Wars' again
–– Before character was renamed Skywaddler.

Carrie Fisher calls rumored 'slave Leia' ban stupid
–– And swears she never did her Jabba.

Carrie Fisher Reveals What Princess Leia Wears Under Her Clothes
–– Hair buns bra.

Daredevil: Season 2 Trailer Description Teases Punisher's Debut
–– And Punisher doesn't like to be teased.

Woman in deadly California rampage had become more devout
–– Holy shit.

The unwritten rules of sock fashion
–– Always toe line.

Liberty University president urges students to be armed
–– Especially when questioning grades.

Could Elf on a Shelf be harmful to your kids?
–– Better than Reindeer in Your Rear.

Williams-Sonoma founder dies at 100
–– To be cremated on Viking Ultra-Premium 500 Series Grill.

Nevada politician wishes you a Merry Christmas -- with guns
–– And funeral wreath.

San Bernardino shooters 'supporters' of ISIS, terror group says
–– Their idea of pep rally.

President Obama to Address Nation Sunday on Terror Threat, Cancels Kennedy Center Honors Appearance
–– Anything to avoid 3-hour snoozefest.

Week of 12/04/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

'Thoughts and Prayers' Backlash After San Bernardino Shooting
Praise the Lord and pass the ammo nation.

Jeb Bush campaign in free-fall
–– Old man lends son chute.

Who George Lucas Originally Wanted To Play Obi-Wan Kenobi
–– Ron Howard as Opie-Wan.

‘Little’ Melvin Williams, Baltimore drug kingpin who appeared on 'The Wire,' dies
–– Tapped out.

Why Donald Trump’s big advantage among those without college degrees is important
–– Spares them reading painful criticism of hero.

How Come Some Not-So-Smart, Not-So-Well-Educated People Get So Rich?
–– Donald?

Muslim leader from CAIR tells CNN America bears some blame for terror attacks
–– By living in same world as maniacs.

NY Times to Run First Front-Page Editorial in Nearly 100 Years: "End the Gun Epidemic"
–– NRA threatens to cancel subscription, if they ever get one.

The town where boys are 'groomed to become pimps'
–– Washington, DC.

The U.S. is running out of bombs to drop on ISIS
–– Merry Christmas, Lockheed Martin!

Senate passes budget bill repealing Obamacare, defunding Planned Parenthood
–– Resetting calender to 1852.

1 million beers recalled
–– Hazily.

Rush Limbaugh’s Favorite New White Power Group
–– German quintet Helloween.

Whoopi Goldberg Slams Breastfeeding Moms
–– With her sagging fun bags.

Blind Dog Abandoned on Bench Finds Home to Live Out Final Days
–– Can’t see he’s in kill shelter.

Ben Carson Thinks There’s a Star of David on the Dollar Bill. There’s Not
–– ‘Yes, there is –– I doodled it next to the grain pyramid!’

Kris Jenner Reveals Where Rob Kardashian Spent Thanksgiving: 'He's Working On Himself’
–– Getting stuffed.

Paul Ryan: We Need to Control the Presidency
–– Shitting on office for 7 years was fun, but…

Muslim newlyweds slaughter co-workers who threw them a baby shower
–– Yes, New York Post, their greatest sin: ingratitude!

Prison guards handcuffed in battle with drones
–– By Queen Bees.

Donald Trump on terrorists: 'Take out their families'
–– ‘To Applebee’s or Chili's –– then kill'em.'

More than 26 pounds of cocaine found on American Airlines plane in Tulsa
–– Jet arrived from Mexico in 15 minutes.

Months After Russian Annexation, Hopes Start to Dim in Crimea
–– For good Chechen restaurant.

Here’s Why 'The Daily Show' May Have Quietly Canceled Chris Brown's Appearance Last Night
–– Bitch Noah afraid of getting slapped.

Donald Trump is a bigot and a racist
–– According to his resume.

EXCLUSIVE: 'Two and a Half Men' Star Holland Taylor Is Dating 'American Horror Story' Actress Sarah Paulson
–– Enjoys granny goose.

‘Goliath the Gator' Stalks Another Gator Before Tackling Him
–– In backfield.

J.J. Abrams Says Showing 'The Force Awakens' to Disney Execs Was ‘Horrifying'
–– They agreed.

ISIS has found a huge moneymaking method that's 'impervious to sanctions and air raids’
–– Fantasy football.

Tom Cruise Bombshell: Secret Recordings Taped By Scientology Leader David Miscavige
–– Mostly grunts of pleasure.

President Ted Cruz Would ‘Absolutely’ Appoint Donald Trump to Build Border Wall
–– If he was on other side of it.

’Mein Kampf' to be republished in Germany 70 years after Hitler's death
–– Mel Gibson tries to option rights.

Former Clinton official Sandy Berger dies
–– GOP implicates Clintons.

How Dave Chappelle Is Creating a "No-Phone Zone" for His Chicago Shows
–– Within “No-Laughs Zone.”

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg announces birth of daughter, Max, and says he and wife Priscilla Chan will donate 99% of their Facebook stock during their lifetimes
–– Max: ‘WTF?!’

Donald Trump Threatens CNN: Pay Me $5 Million or I Won’t Show Up for Debate
–– Blackmails Matter.

Another Hole in a Trump Story Uncovered
–– Trump.

Ron Howard Will Direct a Thrilling Adaptation for the Unreleased Book The Girl Before
–– The hype before.

Adviser: Donald Trump is never wrong
–– How can fiction be ‘wrong?’

Cruz: GOP isn't 'condom police'
–– Though it's full of dickheads.

Michelle Obama Welcomed the White House Christmas Tree in a Wool Blazer
–– Set tree afire.

A new book claims Jeb Bush's allies have spread sex scandal rumors about Marco Rubio
–– Didn’t always do it missionary style with wife.

Robert Dear, Suspect in Colorado Killings, ‘Preferred to Be Left Alone’
–– Should’ve left, alone.

Dear Said 'No More Baby Parts’
–– Citing Carly Fiorina.

Ted Cruz Says Planned Parenthood Gunman Was "Transgender Leftist Activist"
–– "Any man who wanted to be called Dear must've been."

Kevin Durant to media: You treated Kobe Bryant ‘like s—‘
–– ‘Well done!’

Mary-Kate Olsen -- Marries Boyfriend ... and She's Smokin'!!!
–– He must be smokin’, too.

Brad Pitt Talks Marriage and Children: 'Angie and I Were Aiming for a Dozen' Kids
–– 'But with air rifles.'

Fed ends 'too big to fail' lending to collapsing banks
–– Replaces with 'too dumb to succeed.'

Peter Jackson Will Draw Out the Announcement of Him Directing Doctor Who As Long As He Can Because He Loves Torturing You
–– Witness Lord of the Rings Extended Edition.

Obama names new ISIS adviser
–– Abu Tracker al-BigDaddy.

Saudi skyscraper to be 1 km tall
–– And sheikhs still won’t escape nut jobs.

Paris suspect believed in Syria
–– Then again, also believed 72 virgins were blowing dead accomplices.

Carson: What Syrians truly want
–– ‘Me, I’m staying.’

NSA ends bulk phone data collection
–– Slims down program.

Twisted Sister Allow Donald Trump to Use 'We're Not Gonna Take It’
–– And Dee Snider makeup.

Christie gets much-needed boost
–– To get out of seat.

Airlines saved $11 billion on fuel. You saved 8 bucks.
–– Cost of replacing pair of socks in lost luggage.

NFLer gets $50 for losing a pound
–– In sports bar gift certificates.

Carson sees 'great human tragedy'
–– In mirror.

Turkish President 'saddened' by downing of Russian plane but doesn't apologize
–– Promises another Turkey shoot.

New clues in hunt for Nefertiti's tomb
–– British Tut-Tut claims.

Chicago protesters hit luxury area
–– Spike Lee seen distributing Chi-Raq comp passes.

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