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Headbangers 2014
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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 09/25/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Boehner explains his decision to resign in emotional press conference

Putin reveals what he admires most about Americans
–– Big bottom, a-whoo!

Donald Trump Gets Booed for Calling Marco Rubio a ‘Clown’
–– By audience of clowns.

Meet the Congressman Who Drank From the Pope's Glass
–– Slipper.

Bill Cosby: Universities rescind honorary degrees
–– Replaced with dishonorary ones.

Tracy Morgan's Surprise Emmys Appearance Nearly Ruined By Paula Deen
–– Who screamed upon seeing a black man in tux.

NBC News Chief Andy Lack: "Solid Start" for Brian Williams on MSNBC
–– ’You could almost believe him as newsman.’

Hugh Jackman Reveals Why His Wife Was Turned On by His 'Pan' Character
–– Blackbeard appealed to white beard.

Restaurant Worker Smashes Customer in the Head With a Hammer
–– At Oh Bone Pain.

15-year-old loses 100 pounds
–– In Merrie Olde England.

Jeb Bush says Dems lure black voters with 'free stuff'
–– Like decadent Ho Hos.

Men Reveal The Moment They Knew Their Marriages Were Over
–– When other man replaced initials on monogrammed towels.

Dog 'Bounty Hunter' Chapman's stepdaughter arrested in bank heist
–– Bitch got served.

Pakistan court delays paraplegic's execution
–– Still trying to decide which punishment is crueler.

Muggsy Bogues has a 5th-grade grandson who goes by 'Fatman' and has a ridiculous handle
–– Attached to his left buttock.

Michigan officials want to talk to man who found ‘unusual’ stone
–– In dinosaur’s ureter.

Exclusive: Rosie Perez on Meeting President Obama: 'Oh My God, You've Seen My T**s!'
–– 'What, no? Well, here!'

Cincinnati quarterback Gunner Kiel moving extremities following vicious hit
–– Relocates non-throwing arm to Cleveland.

Daniel Radcliffe Shaves His Head and Now Nothing Will Ever Be the Same
–– On his head.

Jimmy Fallon Defies All Odds by Reuniting Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchell for a "Good Burger" Sketch
–– Vegas scrambles to identify either one.

Victoria Beckham Leaves Party With a Mysterious Wet Spot on Her Pants -- See What She Said
–– 'Some implant somewhere was leaking.'

Woman threatens to throw shoe at pope on floor of Congress
–– One of those red slippers he refuses to wear.

Cucumber-linked illnesses rise
–– Patients in a pickle.

Bodies found in famous church
–– Sitting in pews, praying.

12 great beers for the fall
–– Right on your face.

’Gotham’ co-stars expecting
–– Cancellation.

7 feet tall, 440-pounds and in high school
–– Vending machine?

Call goes out for 'doomsday seed'
–– aka Beiber semen.

Tourist Given Black Eye by Waiters After Refusing to Pay For Steak
–– Paid for raw steak to put over shiner.

Russian fighter jets tried to sneak into Syria, U.S. says
–– Wearing white sheets and keffiyehs.

Tarantula delays plane
–– Never finished flight-training school.

Donald Trump confirms, then denies, father's arrest at Klan rally
–– Got it confused with German American Bund meeting.

US man disembowels woman for 'uttering wrong name during sex'
–– Called him 'Jake the Ripper.'

Daytime Emmy Winner Charged With Attempted Murder in Stabbing Over Oscars
–– Nominated for Best Dissector.

U.N., rights groups call on Saudi Arabia to spare man from beheading, crucifixion
–– Merciful sheikhs offer to reverse order.

PETA suit claims monkey holds copyright to famous selfie
–– And patent on selfie stick.

China Leader Vows to Work With U.S. to Stop Cybercrimes
–– Says he likes plan hacked from State Dept. server.

Scott Walker’s Dismal Finish Is a Fitting Result, Old Foes Say
–– Old foes are so mean!

‘Happy Birthday' copyright tossed
–– Cake patent upheld.

Which states are most obese?
–– Arkansas, West Virginia, Mississippi. Oh, thought it was most obtuse. What’s that, both?

Daniel Thompson Dies; Mechanized Bagels
–– Used as wheels of army jeep.

Can plan to fly Concorde again get off the ground?
–– Or are supporters full of SShiT?

House Dems willing to save John Boehner
–– If they could acheive Boehner.

Kim Davis: I've been called Hitler
–– But my ‘stache is way nicer.

Walker: I'm out, and others should be, too
–– Closet not big enough for all of us.

Is Pope too soft on communism?
–– Why no exorcism for Castro brothers?

Why Mason Jars Are Called Mason Jars
–– Because Mason Molded Glass Jar Used In Home Canning To Preserve Food wouldn't fit on side.

Liquid nitrogen cocktail in bar leads to teen having stomach removed
–– After launching lunch.

Jeb Bush calls new TV ad 'disgraceful' for attacking his defense of George W. Bush
–– Proving another Bush doesn't know meaning of word.

Snowden says aliens could be trying to get in touch right now
–– But NSA is on other line.

GOP candidate Carson: Muslim shouldn't be elected president
–– 'What, he'd behead a state?'

Life in jail for salmonella?
––To be held in locked Petri dish.

How one high schooler made $80K (without getting a job)
–– And with just one pistol.

Carson jokes about Trump dropping out of race
–– On Tonight Show in Hell.

Week of 09/18/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Jeb Bush: 'Yes, I am a Bush'
–– Confesses to war crimes panel.

Muslim teen: It's a clock, not a bomb
–– Youth ticked off.

Japanese lawmakers OK greater overseas role for military
–– Second Horseman of Apocalypse: ‘Arigato.’

Gay man chosen to lead Army
–– Expect upgrade in uniforms and marching formations.

Trump Supporter Ann Coulter Slams Pandering to ‘F---ing Jews’
–– As she tests means of career suicide.

Police: Florida woman with 3,714 knives, swords and hatchets arrested
–– ‘She wasn’t sharpest knife in drawer.’

Scott Walker swings, misses and his campaign scrambles
–– Hits own head with bat.

124 dead, GM writes $900M check
–– Life is cheap-ish.

’Turd Ferguson' makes it to real 'Jeopardy'
–– What is pointless anecdote, Alex?

Lindsey Graham shines at undercard debate
–– Lights and excitement make him ‘glow.’

Miley Cyrus, 22, Reportedly 'Hooking Up' With 43-Year-Old Comedian Dane Cook
–– Redefine phrase ‘deserve each other.’

With Clinton's Private Server, 'Didn't Break Laws' Doesn't Mean 'Kept Top Secret Emails Safe'
–– Does mean 'who cares?'

Man who injected cat with heroin sentenced to home confinement
–– Feline ordered to remain on ceiling.

Jake Gyllenhaal Calls Amy Schumer Out for Drunkenly Eating His Cake
–– In latest slang for fellatio.

The moon is shrinking, and the Earth is shaping it
–– Orb cut down on cheese.

Filthy toddlers found living in underground cave
–– Batkid’s cousins.

Whale nearly crushes kayakers
–– They wish he’d rented own boat.

Steve Rannazzisi, Comedian Who Told of 9/11 Escape, Admits He Lied
–– Brian Williams: ‘Well, I never saw him there.’

Pilot diverts jetliner to save dog
–– Tells amusing anecdote.

Huge beer merger in the works
–– In gut of Gerard Depardieu.

NBC Developing Gay Couple Remake of ‘Hart to Hart’
–– Retitled Hard to Hard.

Manu Bennett, Hobbit's Orc Villain Azog, Arrested For Alleged Assault
–– Blames Sauroman.

Miss America contestant says Tom Brady 'definitely cheated,' immediately crowned Miss America
–– With deflated tiara.

Bindi Irwin Talks "Incredible" Dancing With the Stars Night, Says She's "Trying to Carry on Dad's Legacy"
–– Will partner with stingray if she makes finale.

China building third airstrip in sea
–– Can’t figure out how first two sunk.

GOP candidates battle to claim Ronald Reagan's mantle
–– In case of mantle retardation.

North Korea warns U.S. it's ready to use nuclear weapons 'any time'
–– Except during Kim salon visits.

Vanessa Williams Receives On-Air Apology From the Miss America Organization
–– As they add Sex Tape competition to pageant.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the next host of NBC's 'Celebrity Apprentice'
–– Network: He'll be backed.

This Is How Bad It's Gotten For Jeb Bush: He's Flying Commercial
–– And serving drinks.

Iran’s President Rouhani sends message for Jewish new year
–– L’shana tova, suckers!

Republicans sorry for saying ranger lied about making out
–– With moose.

Man Thinks He's Texting His Drug Dealer, Accidentally Messages Police Captain Instead
–– Cop scores dirtbag.

More children getting drunk on hand sanitizer
–– But breath never fresher.

Blindfolded mom dons bikini in market
–– Onlookers request own blindfolds.

Active-duty soldiers: We breastfeed
–– But only top brass.

Bernie Sanders Is Surging. What Happens Next?
–– Elephant tranquilizers?

Janet Jackson Kicks Off U.S. Comeback Tour Against Doctor's Advice -- See Video of Her on Stage
–– Doctor of Musical Arts.

David Gregory Compares ‘Meet the Press’ Gig, NBC Relationship to ‘Miserable’ Marriage
–– Due to ED.

Alibaba shares could fall another 50 pct, says Barron's cover story
–– Be down to 20 thieves.

Terrified Dolphin Throws Himself At Man's Feet To Escape Hunters
–– Regrettably, man with harpoon.

Chris Christie Gets In Heated Exchange With Chuck Todd Over Bridgegate
–– Breath sears goatee.

Anti-Islamic Gun Shop Owner Offers 9/11 ‘Muslim’ Discount
–– If you can show mounted head.

What This Lion Did With A Baboon Defies Nature
–– And will be basis of new series on Logo TV.

Supermodel falls on runway, gets right back up
–– With snort of coke.

Misperceptions persist about Obama's faith, but aren't so widespread
–– Republican suspicions of human sacrifice down to 40%.

Dickie Moore, prolific child star in 'Our Gang' shorts, dies at 89
–– Shorts never quite fit.

Ancient ancestor did a very human thing
–– Twerk.

Carly Fiorina digs at Donald Trump: 'Look at this face'
–– Turns audience to stone.

QUIZ! Which Golden Girl are you?
–– Is there a live one?

Week of 09/11/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Al Qaeda Leader Al-Zawahiri Declares War on ISIS 'Caliph' Al-Baghdadi
–– Don King to promote Attaqqa in Raqqa.

China to explore 'dark side' of the moon
–– By pirating Pink Floyd album.

Hungarian camerawoman apologizes for kicking migrants
–– So low.

Rick Perry suspends presidential campaign
–– Offers smart-guy glasses to Smithsonian…for cash.

Serena stunned by unseeded Italian
–– Unseeded, but a pip.

Germany 'took our Jews and gave us Arabs': French ex-minister
–– Something Vichy about that statement.

Because food stamps don't buy diapers
–– Unless you're a coprophagist.

Photos of Pluto show planet in flux
— Influx of what?

Donald Trump Buys NBC's Stake in Miss Universe
–– Now owns her waist up, too.

Jessica Simpson's 'money mistake’
–– Heard it called kale and ate 5 grand.

Pre-K students found alone outside Chicago school
–– With dynamite.

Sister Wives' Meri Brown on Kody's Quickie Divorce and Wedding to Fourth Wife Robyn: 'It's Just Weird'
–– Unlike first three.

The sun had a super-hot 40-hour ejection and now everyone knows about it
–– Did not call doctor after ejection lasted longer than four hours.

King Kong On Move To Warner Bros, Presaging Godzilla Monster Matchup
–– Tells interviewer: ’I’ve been itching for a rematch since ’62.’

Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles Ordered to Pay Over $1 Million in Racial Discrimination Suit
–– Chicken pledges half mil, Waffles, well, waffle.

Boss Who Asked Transgender Woman 'What Are You?' Agrees To Significant Settlement
–– Her answer: 'Richer.'

Mystery chunk of ice crashes onto California home
–– Family fined for wasting water.

Glenn Beck Calls Sarah Palin a ‘Clown': I’m Embarrassed I Supported Her
–– Then honks his bulbous red nose three times.

Bill Cosby Accuser Recalls Alleged Ordeal: Comedian ‘Made This Horrible Mess All Over Me’
–– Mostly green Jell-o.

NFL ditches Roman numerals for Super Bowl 50
–– Feared fans would spell Bowl BowlL.

Human ancestor species found
–– At Iowa Tea Party rally.

Would Elon Musk’s plan to nuke Mars actually work?
–– And keep Martians from developing own weapons?

Singer Billie Holiday returns to the Apollo -- as a hologram
–– A really high hologram.

TV Ratings: 'Naked and Afraid XL' Trumps Caitlyn Jenner as Cable's Biggest Reality Newcomer
–– And no one wants to get Trumped.

Zack Snyder Says Batman and Superman Are Not Like ‘Flavor of the Week Ant-Man’
–– Which is a delicacy covered with chocolate.

Tortoise breaks world record
–– By a hare.

R.E.M. bashes Trump, Cruz for using 'It's the End of the World' at rally
–– Despite being utterly appropriate.

Trump insults Fiorina in Rolling Stone: 'Look at that face!'
–– Throws self-loathing female supporters another bone.

Who are China's 'vampire' billionaires?
–– Well, they all suck.

David Gregory Gives First TV Interview Since Ouster: "I Don't Miss NBC."
–– NBC: ‘Same here.’

Jessica Alba’s Honest Company sued for alleged false labeling
–– I swear.

Full Throttle Saloon fire destroys the 'World's Biggest Biker Bar'
–– In record hog roast.

United’s CEO, ousted under a cloud, leaves with lifetime free flights and parking
–– And golden parachute woven of real gold.

Shakeup at Weather Channel
–– Magnitude 6.4 temblor.

Drew Brees tackled and ate a crocodile on Bear Grylls’ show
–– After it scored touchdown.

Upper-caste Indians are demanding affirmative action for themselves. Would white Americans ever do the same?
–– Isn't that GOP platform?

Leah Remini Continues Washing Scientology Off Her Skin, Has Daughter Baptized
–– Complexion goes clear.

Frankenvirus emerges from Siberia's frozen wasteland
–– Attributed to uncommon cold.

‘Marmaduke’ cartoonist Brad Anderson dies at 91
–– Great Dane buries him in back yard.

Pope Francis makes annulment of marriages cheaper and easier
–– Converting broke churches into 'quickie quits' chapels.

Lion killer returns to work
–– Tracking cast of Broadway’s Lion King.

Dick Cheney on Iran deal: 'It is madness'
–– Screeches: ’And I oughta know!’

A bigger version of Stonehenge?
–– On next Spinal Tap tour.

Damon Wayans defends Bill Cosby, calls accusers 'un-rape-able'
–– Unlike his own career.

Sarah Palin: 'Speak American'
–– ‘Or Alasko-American. Somethin’, ‘cause I can’t understand a word yer sayin’.’

Tiger cub found wandering streets
–– Asian-American over-achiever searching for Tiger Mom.

Did 'El Chapo' Guzman's son tweet fugitive's location?
–– #elchaporoned.

30 hurt as traditional pillow fight at West Point turns rough
–– Pretty Pretty Princess game turns fatal.

Bathroom access for transgender teen divides Missouri town
–– Negotiation stalls.

Ex-Labor Department employee admits bootleg movie operation
–– Duped world’s most boring PSAs.

Clintons paid State staffer to manage private email server
–– Most thought Bill created server in spare time.

Week of 09/04/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Sarah Palin: What Obama missed on his Alaska trip
–– Steaming trail of moose scat that marks our property line.

Salmon spawns on Obama in Alaska
–– Roe v. wader.

Chimp that attacked a drone with a stick planned ahead, researchers say
–– Purchased weapon from Walmart without background check.

Pink Thinks Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato Are ‘Gross and Embarrassing’
–– 'I was just gross.'

Rocker Chrissie Hynde: Assault by bikers is 'the way it was'
–– Hog woild.

Cast Iron Chicken Recipes That'll Make You Want To Kiss Your Skillet
–– While burning hot.

Trump stumped on foreign policy, hits 'gotcha' questions
–– Slams facts as 'not classy.'

Princess Charlotte: Worth $5 billion after four months
–– Prince George considers retirement.

27 Cartoon Characters Who Gave Us The Hots As Kids
–– 27. Dick Racy, 26. Quick Drawers McGraw, 25. The Hunk, 24. The Green Horndog, 23. The Flash, 22. The XXX-Men, 21. Wonderbra Woman, 20. Whor, 19. Yogi Bare, 18. The Fantastic Foreskin, 17. The Lady and the Tramp, 16. Rockhard and Bullwinkie, 15. Bucknaked Rogers, 14. Peanis, 13. Woody Woodpecker, 12. Mr. MaGay, 11. Scooby-Douche & Shaggin', 10. Tom & Cherry, 9. Cumby, 8. Betty Boob, 7. Smutt & Jeff, 6. The Blue Beatoff, 5. Beavers & Buttfuck, 4. Porking Pig, 3. Screw McDuck, 2. Snagglepussy, and 1. Elmer Fugg.

Jack Sock Retires from 2015 US Open Match vs. Ruben Bemelmans After Collapsing
–– Darned Sock!

Sausage patties recall: Metal pieces found in Johnsonville Grillers
–– They also remember being smothered by ketchup.

Sesame Street Parodies Iconic ‘When Harry Met Sally’ Orgasm Scene
–– Then Miss Piggy flashes Kermit in Basic Instinct spoof.

Wayne Dyer, self-help guru and motivational speaker, dies at 75
–– Finally lives up to name.

Dean Jones, Affable Disney Star in ‘Love Bug’ and Other Movies, Dies at 84
–– Herbie goes bananas.

Babysitter Charged for Allegedly Duct-Taping Boys and Forcing Them to Watch 'Mommie Dearest'
–– Claims they insisted on hanging clothes on wire hangers.

‘Mr. Robot' Boss Talks Finale and Season 2: Elliot "Is Past the Point of No Return"
–– Most viewers exactly at that point.

The Soups That Magically Make You Lose
–– Lunch.

Serena Williams gets a scare before advancing in the U.S. Open
–– Caught glimpse of Bud Collins.

Man saves family, slab of ribs in apt. fire
–– And 4-alarm chili.

Sandra Bullock's Boyfriend Can't Stop Gushing About His New Lady
–– All about her.

Air Force Veteran Finally Finds Girl He Rescued During Katrina 10 Years Ago
–– Was in backpack all along.

Donald Trump signs RNC loyalty pledge
–– With name A. Pismo Clam.

Arby’s Apologizes to Pembroke Pines Cop Who Was Allegedly Denied Service at its Restaurant
–– Adds, ’But we did it for your own good.’

Tori Spelling Sues Benihana Over Burns Sustained After Falling on Grill
–– Chef mistook her for spare rib.

Sweden is thinking of joining NATO — and Russia is threatening a military response
–– Swedes to offer lean-tos and cots that require some assembly.

Egypt billionare offers to buy Med island for refugees
–– To pay for it by trading in valuable letter ‘i’.

Lost Australian Sheep Gets Nearly 90 Pounds of Wool Sheared Off
–– Used to make pullover for Chris Christie.

Canadian Woman Reunited With Dog 5 Years After He Was Stolen Outside Supermarket
–– And she was held by ISIS.

Tom Brady's deflate-gate suspension nullified
–– Airs on side of caution.

NFL commissioner Goodell issues statement on Brady ruling
–– “Aww, shit!”

Kentucky clerk gets jail time for failing to issue same-sex marriage licenses
–– For some same-sex education.

Justin Bieber: Why I cried at the VMAs
–– I could hear myself.

Donald Trump’s hardcore hater
–– Digitally inserts him into Donald Does Dallas porno.

Polar bears lay siege to researchers in the Arctic Sea
–– Until they surrender herring supply.

Fox News anchor sues toy company over 'demeaning plastic rodent' doll
–– No, not Hannity –– he loves his rat doll.

Walker: I'd cripple Iran on Day 1
–– Kick it in shins.

Hero cat takes bullet, saves kid
–– Awesome pussy shot!

‘Game of Thrones’ Casts Pilou Asbæk as Euron Greyjoy for Season 6
–– ‘Peed self’ when he heard.

MLB team has chicken pox outbreak
–– In breakout season.

Burger King pushes 'burger merger'
–– In newest slang for mutual masturbation.

Google has a new logo
–– Virtually every day.

’End times' or just a blood moon?
–– Or just more click bait?

Christie might 'go nuclear' in next GOP debate
–– We know he’ll definitely blow.

Betty White to appear on ‘Bones'
–– As bones.

Doctor played by Robin Williams dies
–– Oliver Sacks’ sole accomplishment.

Ben Carson ties Donald Trump in new Iowa poll
–– Color-blind loons pace bigoted nuts.

Hulk Hogan on N-Word Scandal: ‘I Wanted to Kill Myself’
–– 'Y'know, brother, get myself in a sleeper hold, but I couldn't reach around my own neck.'

President Obama to Appear on NBC’s ‘Running Wild with Bear Grylls’
–– Hopes dignity survives.

Wes Craven, ‘Scream’ and ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ Director, Dies at 76
–– Or does he?

Kanye West Announces 2020 Presidential Candidacy at VMAs
–– Trump responds by announcing first rap album, Donnystyle.

Miley Cyrus drops surprise album
–– And drawers.

Box Office: Chinese Crowds Lifting ‘Terminator Genisys’ Into Hit Territory
–– The undubbed version.

Obama to rename tallest U.S. peak
–– Sponsored by GMC Denali.

How about a Canada border wall?
–– Wall•eh?

'Supergiant' gas field found
–– In parking lot behind Chipotle’s.

Michael Jordan's Actual 'Space Jam' Uniform to Be Auctioned off Online
–– WIth Bugs Bunny's actual jock strap.

Christie: Track immigrants like FedEx packages
–– Start by sealing in cartons.

Dick and Liz Cheney liken Iran nuclear deal to Munich pact
–– And just know Adolf would have loved it.

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