Headbangers 12/15
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Headbangers 01/15
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 07/31/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Cecil the Lion Killer Sends Letter to Dental Patients: "I Apologize Profoundly for This Inconvenience"
–– Cecil sent before his untimely death.

Lois Lane discovers Superman's secret
–– Caitlyn Kent.

US officials can't find the dentist who killed Cecil the lion
–– Follow trail of dental floss.

Mia Farrow Tweets Lion Dentist's Address, Faces Backlash
–– Why? Lions need dentists, too.

Walter Palmer Wanted to Hunt Giant Elephant After Killing Cecil the Lion, Says Guide
And then take out all tigers in San Diego Zoo's Safari Park in mass murder/suicide.

Why Mets player wept on field
–– He's a Met.

OMG! Woman rolls up on exorcism at duck pond
Suspects Daffy's possessed.

Warning signs: Slaves on a plane
–– And very mean Samuel L. Jackson with big-ass gun.

Rick Perry Challenges Donald Trump to a Pullup Contest
–– To see whose diaper is fuller.

Taliban’s Mullah Omar died in 2013, Afghan government says
–– U.S. credits drone strike this week.

‘You’re disgusting,' Trump says to nursing lawyer
–– Not what you’d expect from a boob.

Sarah Palin serving in a Trump administration? 'I'd love that,' he says
–– Secretary of the Inferior.

Missouri man kills father by lying on his head to 'prove a point'
–– The diet wasn’t working.

Ban Killer Robots Before They Take Over, Stephen Hawking & Elon Musk Say
–– Hawking: Trust my digital robo-voice.

Iran’s ayatollah tweets graphic Obama pic
–– With fully-exposed POTUS.

Man passes Dallas airport security, boards plane without ticket
–– Brandishes gun, says ‘This is mah ticket.’

Chinese woman dies after trapped in escalator, but saves son
–– Yes, in. Ugh.

Ukraine bans Putin buddy Depardieu for five years
–– To protect wine supply.

Huckabee’s gas chamber reference to Iran deal draws Israeli criticism
–– Because they never exaggerated consequences of Iran deal.

CEO shares $27 million with staff after selling his firm
–– Stoned by Chamber of Commerce.

16 years of fire and art rising from the sands of Burning Man
–– Creating tons of burnouts.

Ex-Wife: Donald Trump Made Me Feel ‘Violated’ During Sex
–– We’ve listened to him, we know how you feel.

Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen: ‘By the very definition, you can’t rape your spouse’
–– ‘Like competitors, they’ll end up thanking you.’

Trump adviser Michael Cohen apologizes for rape comment
–– Meant to say 'you can't rape your Mexican spouse.'

Sepp Blatter deserves Nobel Prize for FIFA work, Russia's Vladimir Putin says
–– ‘And I deserve Oscar for delivering that line.’

NYT: We fell short on Clinton story
–– Should’ve really slandered her while making up shit.

Four-legged snake fossil found
–– Um, that’s a lizard.

Ape kisses pregnant woman's belly
–– Remembering night of wild passion.

Killer whale's disastrous choice
–– Bought ticket to Sea World.

Fox News Battles Lindsay Lohan in Court Over Statement Her Mom Is An "Enabler"
–– Lohan: Does that mean ‘supplier?’

Hollywood’s Knee Anxiety: Ironing Out Those “Kninkles”
–– By servicing more executives.

Satanic organization unveils statue in Detroit
–– Depicts city’s largest bondholder.

Police probe decapitation of Arizona woman and her dogs
–– Chief: Investigation headed in right direction.

Lady Gaga Poses for Taylor Kinney In Nude Bodysuit, Gushes Over Alexander McQueen Heels
–– Assistant cleans off shoes.

Stan Lee weighs in on Michael B. Jordan as the Human Torch in Fantastic Four
–– 'He was a wonderful basketball player. 'Nuff said. Excelsior. What was the question?'

Lord Sewel resigns and faces police inquiry after 'snorting cocaine with prostitutes’
–– Takes powder.

Bill Cosby's 35 accusers appear on magazine cover
–– Of Ladies Ho'd Journal.

Huckabee: Obama marching Israel to 'door of the oven'
–– ‘Where I hope they bake some of them tasty rug-a-lucks.’

James Franco is writing a book about Lana Del Rey
–– Entitled Del Rey Biatch.

Susan Smith: 'I loved my boys’
–– ‘To death.’

Rick Perry: Let us take our guns to the movies
–– 'So we can shoot back during the scary scenes.'

Jackie Mason Is Rare Entertainer Defending Donald Trump
–– Recognizes great insult comic when he sees one.

Chris Christie Fires Back At Gun Rights Activist In Iowa
–– Shoots mouth off.

Obama cracks 'birther' joke in Kenya
–– Suggests Trump son of apes in Chimp Sanctuary.

Cosby deposition: Quaaludes came from L.A. gynecologist
–– Also leant comedian stirrups.

San Francisco starts using 'pee-proof' paint to stop public urination
–– Plan makes big splash.

Tom Cruise really dangled from plane
–– OK, Tom, you’re not gay.

Tom Cruise To Marry For Fourth Time? Actor Reportedly Ready To Propose To Katie Holmes Look-Alike
–– Geez, we get it!

Week of 07/24/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Dennis Rodman endorses Donald Trump for president
And Kim Jong-un for veep.

U.S. airstrike kills al Qaeda chief
–– Raid yet to hit non-chief.

'Innocent at Guantanamo' author held on terrorism charge
–– If only fanatics appreciated irony.

See if you can answer this insanely difficult question Goldman Sachs has asked in job interviews
–– 'Would you have me arrested?'

Court dismisses one criminal charge against Perry
–– Lawyers argued client was unfairly confused by having two.

Doctors in China save man's severed hand by grafting it to his leg
–– A real knee-slapper.

Neo-Orientalist Islamophobia Is Maligning the Reputation of the Prophet Muhammad Like Never Before
–– I was just thinking that.

Husky puppy ecstatic to see owner after 1.5 months
–– Emotional eating ruined his figure.

Willie Robertson: 'To me, Trump makes a lot of sense'
Ducks agree.

U.S. to access Turkish bases
–– And baths.

Anthem to acquire Cigna, leaving only 3 big insurance companies
–– Claims it benefits patient's mental health to be denied care fewer times.

Jon Stewart's Black Impersonation Was Challenged by Daily Show Writer Wyatt Cenac: He Told Me to "F--- Off"
–– Added, "Bru-tha."

Ted Cruz gets 'Shatnered' for saying Capt. Kirk was Republican
Asks, 'Who's Shatner?'

The Tips You Need To Help You Find And Enjoy Your Clit
–– On tips of your tongue.

Saudi king hits French beach -- with a cast of 1,000
–– Gives it 100 lashes.

Rose McGowan Knows Her Sheer VMA Look Was "Punk As F”
–– Fabio.

World Cup 2018: Russia faces new racism allegations
–– Goes bananas.

LeSean McCoy Is Having a Private, 'Females Only' Party in Philadelphia
–– Attendees expecedt to receive passes.

Rapper and N.J. native Hussein Fatal laid to rest in Montclair
–– Living up to name.

Russian austerity: Putin fires 110,000 officials
–– Including entire ‘height-boosting’ division.

Jamie Oliver's restaurant sees diners covered in MAGGOTS as they fall from the ceiling
–– Free-range maggots.

Hint of Tolkien at WWI site
–– Where Jerries offered Tolkein resistance.

Three Men Injured by Lightning Strike at Florida Nude Beach
–– Were holding their lightning rods.

Bison attacks woman who was trying to take selfie with it in Yellowstone Park
–– Horned in.

Chris Brown kept in Philippines
–– Held in Imelda Marcos' old shoe closet.

‘Trainwreck’s' Colin Quinn on NYC's Summer of Urine: "What Is It About New York That Just Makes People Want to Pee Outside?"
–– New Yorkers always pissed.

Prosthetic leg boots girl off water slide
–– Leg hit with fine.

Maroon 5 frontman shaves head
–– Moron 1.

Bear falls asleep in yard after eating ...
–– Gardener.

Gamers get athletic scholarships
–– And padded ass-protectors.

Artist has passport returned
–– Customs thought it was poor likeness.

Leprosy cases spike in Florida
–– Patients lose face.

How did Krampus become the hottest monster in horror movies?
–– Krampus Krusade.

Indian Food: Everything You Need to Know, But Where Afraid to Ask
–– Here!

Cops: Air traffic controller drunk
–– It’s OK, so was pilot.

9 bizarre snacks to try for National Junk Food Day
–– 6. Tinky's winky.

23-lb. lobster is 95 years old
–– Celebrates with really hot bath, warm butter massage.

6 indisputable truths about Donald Trump. And they ain’t pretty.
–– 5. The eyebrow hairline is REAL!

El Nino intensifying, could rival strongest in recorded history
–– Might grow into El Tweeño.

Unfit Parent Left Kids at Waffle House at Midnight to Hit Up a Bar
–– Taking them there at any hour and staying is abuse.

17-Year-Old Bindi Irwin Is Dating! 'There Is Someone Special in My Life’
–– ‘Not just a crotch hunter.’

‘It was, like, me or the shark': Surfer Mick Fanning describes attack
–– 'And he couldn't balance on the board.'

Women clash in cat custody case
–– Pitting loneliness against despair.

Bill Cosby Testified He Took Andrea Constand's Silence As Permission
–– And snores sounded like yes.

Summer-Squash Casserole
–– Filled with mosquitoes.

‘Chinese Schindler' saved thousands
–– So they could eat moo gai pan on Christmas.

Dave Chappelle: ‘The Biggest Enemy of an Artist Is Apathy’
–– ‘Artists have told me.’

Goldman’s Lloyd Blankfein breaks into ranks of billionaires
–– Getwawy limo waiting at curb.

O’Malley apologizes for saying 'White lives matter'
–– Because many, like his, don’t.

K-9 dies in hot police car
–– Which he jacked.

Man rescued after falling into industrial meat grinder in California
–– Ironically named Chuck.

Live anywhere in an egg
–– If you’re feeling chicken.

Trump questions McCain's bravery, says 'he is not a war hero'
–– 'He's a war hero like I'm worth 10 billion!'

Obama finally gets his stroll in Central Park
–– Mugged by Reince Preibus.

Deflategate football goes for big $$$
–– Sparking Inflategate inquiry.

UK newspaper publishes footage of Queen giving Nazi salute as child
–– As Prince Edward paints on Hitler mustache and calls Wallis Simpson 'Eva.'

Week of 07/17/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Hillary Clinton releases logo for San Diego Comic Con
–– And cosplay poster as 'Hillyquin'.

As War Games Begin, Texans Keep Watch
–– With militia's intent.

Obama: Inmates made 'mistakes' like I did
–– 'But my punishment at hands of Congress way more severe.'

‘Twin Peaks’ Pop-Up Restaurant Planned in London
Signature dish: heaping plate of baloney.

Starz CEO's Daughter Skewers Dad's Former Marriage to 25-Year-Old: "I Used to Babysit My Stepmom"
Gets greenlight for series based on pitch.

Tesla to offer faster 'Ludicrous Mode'
That takes spaceballs.

Cara Delevingne to Haters: "Suck My Boobs”
–– What does she suggest if you like her?

As Scott Walker takes national stage, some Wisconsinites cry foul
–– As do humans with noses.

High-res image of Pluto's moon Charon shows strange depressed mountain
–– Dubbed Blue Mountain.

Loch Ness Monster hunter hooked on catfish theory
–– Visited Scotland after intense online relationship with ‘Nessie.’

McDonald’s franchisees: It's bad and getting worse
–– Test marketing new slogan.

China discovers winged, feathered 'dragon' dinosaur
–– On bootlegged copy of Game of Thrones.

China’s new bomber could wipe out a U.S. Air Force base
–– See above.

Ciara’s Ex Future Slams Russell Wilson for Pushing His Son's Stroller
–– Ex Future aka Past.

Lee family cements grip on Samsung
–– With Crazy Glue.

Winter ends in Boston: Giant snow pile finally melts
–– Rest had been shipped to Westeros.

Naked baristas! Free coffee! Got your attention?
–– ‘I’ll have two lumps, ma'am.’’

Nude' Baristas Take Over a Coffee Shop for Nestlé's New Creamer Campaign
–– “No thanks, bud, I’ll stir it myself.”

Is this the solution to 'throwaway kids’?
–– Sulphuric acid baths?

Paul Walker's brother Cody lands his first movie role alongside Nicolas Cage
–– Another kind of car wreck.

Will Coulson Turn on Cap? 'Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.' Cast Talks 'Civil War'
–– Oiled up in a Speedo?

McDonald’s has a surprising new burger topping
–– Mayor McCheese whiz.

Severed human legs found near Connecticut train station
–– Search on for rest of Dashing Dan.

“Clenching” Buttocks in 'Mr. Turner' Top List of U.K. Film Complaints
–– "Sagging" bosom of 'Downton's' Lady Violet tops list of U.K. TV complaints.

'Auschwitz book-keeper' Oskar Groening sentenced to four years
–– There audit be a law!

‘Nosferatu’ Director F.W. Murnau’s Head Reportedly Stolen From Grave
–– Who yelled “Cut”?

Sinead O'Connor brands Kim Kardashian a 'c**t' over Rolling Stone cover
–– That is her brand.

Prince William Gushes About Kate Middleton, Calls George a 'Little Monkey’
–– Reveals real father Cheeta.

Actor Jesse Eisenberg compares Comic-Con to genocide
–– And Stan Lee to Führer.

Mexican Drug Lord El Chapo Rips Donald Trump Via Twitter Following Second Prison Break
–– El Chapo v. El Crapo.

Rachel McAdams on ‘True Detective’ Shootout Scene: ‘I Actually Puked’
–– Ditto.

’Watchman’ isn't ‘Mockingbird'
–– Clue is in title.

’Citizenfour’ Director Laura Poitras Sues Over "Kafkaesque" Airport Screening
–– ‘They had me down on my back, six legs in the air.’

Berke Breathed brings back 'Bloom County’
–– A Brethed of stale air.

Pope Francis Says He’s Overlooked the World’s Middle Class
–– Middle class grateful to be spared tongue-lashing.

50 Cent Files for Bankruptcy
–– Name = net worth.

Ariana Grande sorry for donut licking
–– In latest slang for rim job.

Drug lord Joaquin 'El Chapo' Guzman vanishes from Mexican prison
–– In Get Shorty remake.

Scott Walker confirms: 'I'm in'
–– ‘Over my head.’

Trump to skip Miss USA
–– Couldn’t he also miss USA?

Rupert Murdoch Criticizes Donald Trump Over Mexican Immigrant Comments
–– And cites verifiable statistic!

Israeli police make arrests in 'Loaves and Fishes' church arson
–– Perpetrators ‘toast.’

Whole new look at Pluto
–– After recent grooming at Disney World.

Five takeaways from Quentin Tarantino and 'The Hateful Eight’
–– 8. Title includes audience.

Comic-Con: Ryan Reynolds' 'Deadpool' Panel Opens With Obscenity-Filled Clip
–– Describing star's performance.

Why This Mom Had To Say 'Not All Mommies Love Their Babies The Way I Love You’
–– ‘Not all mommies have tentacles.’

NJ Gov. Chris Christie Channels Dr. Seuss in First TV Ad
–– The Fat Cat in the Hat.

Getting rid of copper lines has consequences, and the FCC wants you to know them
–– So use Coppertone at beach.

Californian prison inmate nearly cut in two, with organs missing, after riot
–– No one touches 'stew' at lunch.

Earth heading for 'mini ice age' in just 15 years, scientists say
–– Climate change deniers really torn about embracing scientific data.

Pope: Poor are sacrificed on 'the altar of money’
–– The massive marble one in St. Peter’s beneath Bernini’s bronze canopy?

Hot new item for thieves: Confederate flags
–– Master criminals try to sell on black market.

Week of 07/10/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

12 Things You Need to Know About Friday’s Ticker-Tape Parade in NYC for the U.S. Woman’s Soccer Team
–– 9. 10 mil FIFA business cards shredded for ticker-tape.

Pope: Greed is 'dung of the devil'
–– ‘I’m talking to you, Trump.’

Game of Thrones director: I told President Obama that Jon Snow is "deader than dead"
–– ‘Kind of like your Iran nuclear agreement.’

Court agrees with light sentence for Beanie Babies creator
–– It's soft and cuddly.

1995 'awful act' commemorated
–– Yakov Smirnoff at the Sands.

Johnny Depp stuns young girl
–– Should teach her not to send fan mail.

United Airlines pilot flushed live ammunition down plane's toilet
–– In ammo dump.

Big surprise in new Harper Lee book
–– Atticus Finch working at Abercrombie & Fitch.

9 things we know about turn-ons
–– 5. Come to a sticky end.

‘F- -k you! Pay me!': Times Square's new welcome wagon
–– Slogan to be reproduced on all official Welcome to New York signs.

Rescued Dog Allergic to Humans Gets Special Treatment, New Home in Indiana
–– Original owners put down.

Scott Disick's Birthday Message To Daughter Penelope Is Incredibly Depressing
–– He confirms he’s her father?

Mickelson in a 'tough spot' over Trump immigrant remarks
–– Why, was he laundering money for illegal Mexican rapists?

Ariana Grande's Doughnut-Licking Video Investigated By Police
–– Vengeful cops: ‘It’s like she licked one of us.’

Donut Shop Visited by Ariana Grande Downgraded by Department of Health Following Licking Incident
–– And small-sized Starbuck's drinks renamed 'small.'

Susan Sarandon Defends Ariana Grande: 'Lick a Donut in Solidarity'
–– Or any old hole.

Blue Bell may make ice cream again soon
–– With new Listeria Mint Chip flavor.

Russell Wilson says God spoke to him, explained Super Bowl interception
–– Told him he lost 10 grand on boneheaded play.

Marisa Tomei to Play Aunt May in New ‘Spider-Man’ Movie
–– Earns living from dom phone sex line, May I, exercises on stripper pole in basement.

Bill Cosby Statue Removed From Disney World Resort
–– Replaced by Dopey.

Audience member tries to charge phone on set of Broadway play
–– And call Hedda Gabler.

Russian spacecraft filled with crew supplies docks at space station
–– 100 cases of vodka for recreation and/or fuel.

Bear grabs rock, does this ...
–– Kills clickbaiter.

Baby shark falls from sky
–– Awwca!

Harry Shearer Inks Deal to Return to 'The Simpsons'
–– All about the D'oh.

Ventriloquist Superstar Jeff Dunham Sues Over Dummy Piracy
–– Targeting anyone who illegally downloaded Transformers movies.

Bill Clinton’s Brother, Still Hoping to Be Tossed a Bone
–– And not Bubba’s.

Investigators at home owned by Subway's Jared
–– Reportedly searching for 6” chicken pix.

Paula Deen under fire for photo of son in brownface
–– She explained it was bbq rub for recipe in new cannibal’s cookbook.

World’s oldest woman turns 116
–– Great grandkids chip in for designer shroud.

Canadian Man Imitates Up, Gets Charged With Mischief
–– Balloons out of control.

Is Mars Humid Enough to Support Life?
–– Bruno does work up sweat in concert.

British Model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Wears Barely There Sheer Black Gown In Paris
–– Matches personality.

How does Prince George refer to the Queen?
–– Uncle Elton?

Donald Trump: Mexican Immigrants Spread "Tremendous Infectious Disease"
–– “I think that’s where I got encephalitis and these hallucinations.”

Mayweather stripped of WBO belt
–– Loses trunks.

The show must go on: Injured Grohl performs from throne
–– In theater’s john.

Vomiting Bug From Asia Threatens Global Wave of Gastro Outbreaks
–– Especially if he does it in your mouth.

Who Was the Mary Poppins Nanny at Princess Charlotte's Christening?
–– Just go fly a kite!

Man shoots off firework from top of his head, dies instantly
–– Looked like a bright idea.

Where are they now? Balloon Boy
–– Floating over Pacific.

Richard Gere Says Begging on New York's Streets Was a "Profound Experience"
–– Only slightly more humiliating than auditioning for part.

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck Divorce Details Emerge: "They Didn't Want the Same Things," Source Says
–– Each other.

Lorde and Lena Dunham Say Taylor Swift is a ‘Camp Mother’
–– Sorta like RuPaul.

South Carolina lawmakers to debate flag
–– Piece of dyed cloth will probably win.

Alamo gets world heritage status
–– Other car rental services jealous.

Trump Tells Perry to Get New Glasses, Bush to Get a Better Iraq Answer
–– Cruz to chain self to wall when moon is full.

Hillary Clinton tells gay boy: 'Your future is going to be amazing'
–– 'Fabulous, even.'

Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest: Joey Chestnut Loses Reigning Title to Matt Stonie
–– Along with lunch.

Solar plane on dangerous leg
–– The lame left one.

FBI: Inmate had 5 kids with guards
–– In-and-outmate.

Sanders snags key endorsement
–– Darrell Hammond loves the Colonel.

N. Korean scientist: 'Trust us'
–– Claims 'it's theoretically possible.'

Spiders better sailors than thought
–– Remember thinking about that?

France rejects WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange's 'protection' request
–– And his suit claiming ‘relevancy.’

Man mocks alligators, jumps in water and is killed in Texas
–– Shot by dissed reptile.

Week of 07/03/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Feds urge 4th as time to talk Obamacare
–– In ER getting burned hands bandaged.

Where newly banned trans fats hide
–– Behind Chris Christie.

Clinton says she takes a 'backseat to no one' among liberals
–– Including Rosa Parks.

ISIS Could Blow Up the Entire USA on July 4th If We're Not Careful
–– So don't buy fireworks from Syria.

Mets’ flight makes emergency landing in Detroit after radio voice Howie Rose falls ill
Remembered he was headed to broadcast game with Dodgers.

Jeb Bush taking his campaign to Kennebunkport
–– Hopes for friendly crowd at family's July 4th BBQ.

NBC Cancels 'A.D. The Bible Continues'
–– Hailed as miracle.

First-Ever 3D Printed Office Building Is Coming (And It’s Pretty Awesome)
–– Legal-size.

Insomniac drunk Richard Nixon told his FBI director to be as ruthless as the Nazis in hunt for Deep Throat, declassified Watergate documents reveal
–– Then told Linda Lovelace dressed up as Nazi to be ruthless with him.

Koch-Backed Group Calls For No More National Parks
–– And slaughter of cute chipmunks.

America challenges Japan to real-life battle of giant robots
–– Is there message in a Bottle?

Fun Facts About Ringo Starr; Author Talks Biography of ‘Funny’ Beatle
987. Name didn't derive from ring on fingers or in nose.

I Live With My Ex-Wife And Her New Wife -- And Our Kids Are Better For It
–– Introduced as Mom, Momma and the Wuss.

Former Disney CEO: Funny, Beautiful Women Are Impossible To Find
–– By brilliant, handsome men like me.

Christopher Reeve's Daughter Names Son After Superman Star
–– George Reeves Reeve Givens.

Grateful Dead Security Warned Fans May Be 'High' On 'Acid'
First time they heard that in 50 years.

Chick-fil-A's secret to becoming America's favorite restaurant chain
–– White meat.

University of Phoenix lays off 900 after student exodus
Almost exclusively in 'rising from ashes' division.

George Takei walks back 'blackface' remark about Clarence Thomas
Forgot to add 'pinhead.'

6 things to know about hot dog king Joey Chestnut
–– 4. Never cut the mustard.

Man busted in mall with AR-15
–– Looking for fire sale.

Prison escapee Richard Matt wrote to daughter, vowed to see her, report says
Another promise kept.

Oklahoma Supreme Court orders removal of Ten Commandments
–– Thou shalt not care.

‘Back to the Future’: Bob Gale answers much-debated question about third movie
–– Why?

Internet Reminds Donald Trump His Signature Collection Is Made In Mexico
–– Of designer hairpieces.

Bo Duke tweets photo of Dylann Roof in protest after TV Land dumps ‘Dukes of Hazzard’
–– And pic of Hitler to rally for return of 'Hogan’s Heroes.'

Brazen alligator eats unleashed dog
–– Braised him.

Fears raised as 'one third' of China's Great Wall disappears
–– Bottom ‘third.’

Cell phone chief calls “bulls••t”
–– Gets answering machine.

Dolphin crushes woman's ankles
–– Aquatic mammal a terrible dancer.

Wimbledon 2015: Rafael Nadal upset by Dustin Brown
–– Really upset.

Democratic ex-Va. Sen. Jim Webb announces presidential bid
–– Google searches for Webb decrease 50%.

After prison escape, David Sweat and Richard Matt bickered over booze, agility
–– Best Darrin on 'Bewitched.'

Saudi prince pledges $32 billion to charity
–– Surprisingly, half to JDL.

Pic Of Goldie Hawn Eating Burger In 1964 Emerges Amid Ex Disowning Kids
–– Rumored photo of her sipping Tab sought.

Macy’s dumps Trump
–– Still deciding if inflatable version will appear in Thanksgiving Day Parade.

‘Clueless’ the musical is coming
–– Isn’t that subtitle of 'Finding Neverland?'

Lightning may have caused South Carolina church fire, FBI says
–– Sharpton accuses God of hate crime.

Clinton Correctional Facility leaders put on leave
–– Republicans blame Hillary.

Bill Clinton: How we can fight childhood obesity
–– Pop a chubby.

Trump: 'Mexico is not our friend'
–– That’s the royal ‘our.’

Phil Mickelson Reportedly Tied to Money Laundering, Gambling Case
–– Feds heard from 'little birdie.'

Earthquake hits Volcano
–– In latest Roland Emmerich spec script.

Turkish police fire pepper spray at gay pride parade
–– Paprika they got from Hungarians.

Coming To Blows: Hugh Hefner’s Son Blasts Holly Madison, Calling Her S**ty Gold Digger — Fans Clap Back!
–– S**ty because she didn’t f**k him to death after changing will.

Sen. Bernie Sanders Predicts He'll Win White House
–– Marijuana haze clearing in crystal ball.

Congress: It’s Time to Legalize Drugs
–– Beyond bowlfuls of Oxycontin available in Senate cloakroom.

Donald Trump's wife wants him to lay off Jeb Bush
–– And hers.

Putin Meets Economic Collapse With Purges, Broken Promises
–– Vodka/prune colonics.

Conservative Republicans question what's next after gay marriage ruling
–– Thumbing through Leviticus.

Donald Trump Responds to Hypothetical Gay Person Questioning His Three Marriages
–– ‘Can I have the female impersonator’s –– Ivana, wasn’t it –– number?’

Euro, asia stocks plunge as Greece seen on course to default
–– Greeced skids.

Mike Huckabee Expects Civil Disobedience in Response to Gay Marriage Ruling
–– Boy-on-boycotts.

Here’s What That Gunk Underneath Your Fingernails Is Really Made Of
–– Gunk in your nose.

Snake dies after consuming large porcupine
–– At least it got to pick teeth first.

Meet the South’s biggest idiot: “I feel very much like the Jews must have felt in the very beginning of the Nazi Germany takeover”
–– If Jews were being harassed by Gypsies.

'Hasta la vista': Arnold Schwarzenegger offers pithy response to fan upset with star's Facebook photo backing same-sex marriage
–– Pretty pithy: 'I’ll pee back.'

Jeb Bush touts record on guns
–– Wins endorsement of George Zimmerman.

'Seinfeld': How a Bail Bondsman Became The Soup Nazi
–– Other actors bailed.

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