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Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 06/26/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Univision dumps Trump, cancels Miss USA over his comments about Mexicans
–– Donald: "But I can fix it so babe from New Mexico wins."

Bristol Palin: I'm pregnant
–– "See, abstinence does work!"

Jimmy Fallon injures his hand
–– Patting self on back.

Exclusive: Franklin Graham Warns Gay Marriage Ruling Will Lead to Christian Persecution
–– Rhinestoning, being nailed by a cross-dresser, combat with GLAADiators.

Mexicans bash Trump pinata, call him imbecile
–– Filled with Monopoly money.

Why Walmart will keep selling guns
–– Not held up often enough.

Whole Foods accused of massive overcharging
–– And colossal lack of flavor.

TBS Orders Weatherman Competition Series From Funny or Die, Mark Burnett
–– Considering shows for other domestic terror groups SDS and SLA.

General Mills to nix artificial flavors and colors from its cereals
–– Box final source of nutrition.

Don’t ditch that BlackBerry yet!
–– Still can be used as practice hockey puck.

Fox News releases Bob Beckel over his 'personal issues’
–– The Five co-host on allegations of pain medication abuse: 'who the fuck could blame me?'

Sweden’s mummified bishop: Buried in 1680 with hidden baby
–– Concealed in IKEA Död casket's secret compartment.

Wish-Bone ranch dressing recalled after 8,678 cases filled with blue cheese
–– Scared consumers thought they bought ranch.

Bobby Jindal Enters Presidential Race, Saying ‘It Is Time for a Doer’
–– ‘Even a doodooer!’

Rabbi Who Had Naked Chats in Sauna Intends to Keep His Job at Riverdale Jewish Center
–– Says young boys he mentored in steam room didn’t give a schvitz.

Shia LaBeouf Hospitalized After Sustaining Head Injury On Set
–– Woke up convinced last 5 years of dickishness was dream.

Donald Featherstone, creator of flamingo lawn decor, dies
–– Can’t miss his grave.

Rachel Dolezal: It’s a Weave
–– The tangled-web-kind you get when first you practice to deceive.

Miles Morales Replaces Peter Parker As Spider-Man
–– Former hero files reverse discrimination suit.

Mark Burnett Pursuing Vladimir Putin as Next Reality TV Star
–– In Czars of Sunset Strip.

1970s frozen meat seized in China
–– Before being shipped to Panda Express.

Interview With the Kid Who Built a Nuclear Reactor in His Garage
–– Without fission license.

Two Sentences That Will Help You Get the Job You Want
–– “Remember that all-nighter with your assistant? I have pictures.”

Can skinny jeans put you in hospital?
–– With choked chicken?

N.H. poll: Trump near top of pack
–– Composed entirely of jokers.

Businesses turn against Confederate flag
–– Bars stars.

Pastries traded for prison favors
–– Cross buns were hot.

U.S. sending tanks and armor to Europe
–– For Throwback Thursday.

CNN’s Don Lemon Holds Up N-Word Sign On-Air, Asks "Does This Offend You?"
–– “I mean me being a newsman?”

Italian Actress and Sex Symbol Laura Antonelli Dead at 73
–– Italian manhood at half staff.

Pete Rose Reportedly Bet on Reds Games He Played in During 1986 Season
–– Cincinnati bookies referred to cheating the odds as Charlie Hustle.

‘Orange Is the New Black's' Taylor Schilling: I Got a "Gash on My Face" During Sex Scene
–– Was scissoring all wrong.

Billy Graham's grandson steps down from Florida megachurch after admitting an affair
–– To produce Christian sex tape Sermon on the Mount.

Marvel Wins Supreme Court Victory Over Spider-Man Toy
–– Spider-Man toy to appeal to Judge Dredd.

Texas Woman’s Riveting Escape From Amish Life, In her Own Words
–– It’s a little buggy.

President Obama Used the N-Word to Make a Very Strong Point About Racism
–– N_ shit.

DNA of Escaped Convicts Found in Cabin, Official Says
–– Apparently got too excited watching cable coverage of their escape.

After Criticism From Taylor Swift, Apple to Pay Royalties
–– Afraid they’d be trashed like ex-lover in next song.

White Supremacist Linked to Charleston Suspect Donated to 2016 G.O.P. Campaigns
–– Mostly talking points on race.

Biggest Medicare bust ever
–– 74-year-old Raquel Welch’s.

‘Phantom Menace' Star Arrested for Reckless Driving, Resisting Arrest
–– The Four Roses is strong in this one.

Kimbo Slice delivers in MMA bout
–– Asked opponent, "Wanna piece of me?"

Hugh Hefner Slams Holly Madison's Tell-All Memoir
–– While admitting title Down the Rabbit Hole 'brings back fond memories.'

Teens are downloading Jott like crazy
–– Transcribing note to self: Get life.

Uber says no guns or no rides
–– NRA launches competing heavily-armed car service Luger.

Charlie Sheen Slams Denise Richards in Father's Day Rant: "Heretic Washed-Up Piglet Shame Pile”
–– Follow-up tweet: "So what are you doing tonight?"

Pro baseball team cancels 'Caucasian Heritage Night'
–– Bleacher creatures disappointed.

Nicole Kidman: 5 Things You Didn't Know About the Actress
–– 4. Early in career could register several expressions on face.

Capitol Hill abuzz after 15,000 honey bees swarm Senate entrance
–– Not loudest drone ever heard there.

8 million mummified animals, mostly dogs, in catacombs at Egypt site
–– Ordered by cat god Bastet.

U.S. crushes more than a ton of ivory in Times Square
–– Mickey, Elmo, Hello Kitty, Spiderman whack it with tourists’ selfie sticks.

Week of 06/19/15

A 'Jaws' anniversary, Helen Mirren on stage as the queen on arthouse screens
Shark Week at Buckingham Palace.

Finally! Woman to be on new $10 bill
–– To be revalued at $7.80.

NRA executive suggests slain Charleston pastor to blame for gun deaths
–– For didn't the Lord say, "Lock and load"?

For adults only: Sexy, boozy summer sleep-away camp
–– Bug juice 80 proof.

Virgin dog adopts, nurses kittens
–– Moans: 'Feedings are a bitch.'

Sammy Hagar Responds to Eddie Van Halen's Billboard Interview: "F— You, You're a Liar"
Quoth Hagar the Horrible.

‘Wait Wait': NPR fans mad about Kim Kardashian
–– After claiming for years they never heard of her.

Wax Schwarzenegger surprises fans by coming to life
–– And showing greater emotional range than model.

Is virtual reality the future of fitness?
–– In The Gyms video game.

NBC’s Brian Williams is starting an 'apology tour'
–– Former viewers: Would like to forgive and forget.

Brandi Glanville Will Not Return to 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'
–– Scheduling conflict with her attendance at Bilderberg Group.

Katie Holmes Makes Her Debut (and Marks Her Territory) in New Ray Donovan Trailer
–– See latest leak.

George W. Bush says becoming a father helped him get sober
–– Had been filling baby bottles with vodka.

Kelly Osbourne Wears a Rachel Dolezal Wig, Fans Totally Slam Her
–– Claims she identifies as blockhead.

Friend of Accused SC Shooter Claims He 'Wanted to Start a Race War'
–– Between humans and whatever he is.

White Supremacists Have Thoughts About Charleston Shooting
–– But their sick minds reject them.

Indian man loses long legal battle over his own birth
–– Sue Indian.

Brian Williams Officially Exits ‘Nightly News’ for MSNBC
–– Which means nightly news without the quote marks.

Woody Allen’s Producer Jack Rollins Dies at 100
–– Was to have played boyfriend of Elle Fanning in new Allen pic.

Pope: Earth becoming like 'immense pile of filth'
–– Ted Cruz: "I'm no scientist, but he's no scientist."

Baltimore woman’s yard called ‘relentlessly gay,’ so she’s making her yard even more ‘relentlessly gay’
–– Adds Richard Simmons garden gnome.

Miley Cyrus and Jaden Smith’s ‘Gender Fluid’ Revolution
–– Mostly drool.

Search widens for escapees
–– CNN reporters think they might be on MH370.

The king with 100 wives
–– King of Pain.

Crabs take over coastline
–– And pantyline.

Lindsey Graham’s Parents Ran a Whites-Only Bar Until the ’70s
–– Even banned Black Russians, Black and Tans, Johnny Walker Black Label.

FBI investigating whether Cardinals hacked Astros
–– And hid data under robes.

Donald Trump to run for president in 2016
–– Republicans rent stretch clown car.

Donald Trump: ‘Apprentice’ Goes Black During White House Run
–– Tyrese to face off with Wendy Williams.

Neil Young Responds to Donald Trump Using His Song for 2016 Announcement
–– Suggests title change: Rotten in the Free World.

Say goodbye to trans fat
–– Jenner on diet.

Jeb Bush Announces White House Bid, Saying 'America Deserves Better'
–– ‘Than me.’

Where Racewalking Is King, Doping Is, Too
–– You got to be high to do that in public.

Hear 911 calls for shark attacks
–– Dispatcher sends Mako.

Einstein letters: A-bomb, adultery
–– Fission, fisting.

Surfer Hamilton gives birth
–– Baby on board.

The Rock hits car; fan refuses money
–– Used left hook.

Legendary gunmaker Colt files for bankruptcy
–– Finances shot.

Game of Thrones' incredibly grim finale actually made me hopeful for the future
–– Because I won’t have to watch it for 10 months.

Best Pixar Movies Ranked from Worst to Best
–– Can’t wait to see which is worst best.

Injuries revealed: Johnson’s wrist was broken, Bishop played through groin tear
–– Cleric got while lifting big baby at baptism.

’Married at First Sight' Couple Files for Divorce, Restraining Order
–– To star in ‘Split on Second Thought.’

Growing celebrity families
–– In manure.

Why I Beg Parents Not to Say This to Kids Who Cry
–– It’ll make them cry.

Bridge closed for 2nd night over swarms of mayflies, crashes
–– Little pests just couldn’t stay in air.

Ex-A.I.G. Chief Wins Bailout Suit, but Gets No Damages
–– Already got, to brain.

Rachel Dolezal: Choosing To Identify As African-American
–– When she is more an off white.

Jeb Bush aims to define himself
–– Looks under ‘dull’ in dictionary.

Bill Clinton on GOP's 2016 field: 'No dummies'
–– ‘Don’t want to insult those cute wooden fellas.’

John Stamos Arrested for DUI, Hospitalized in Beverly Hills
–– Promoting new Fox comedy.

Rocker breaks leg, finishes show
–– Took well-wisher’s advice too seriously.

Week of 06/12/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

12 things you didn't know about the amazing Sir Christopher Lee
–– 6. Sucked at auditions.

Should Solo be playing in Cup?
Or peeing in it?

The Little Girl From 'Jurassic Park' Is All Grown Up and Pregnant!
–– Expecting twin velociraptors.

ABC Accidentally Shows LeBron James’ Penis During NBA Finals
–– No penalty for dribbling between legs.

Parents Group Calls LeBron James' Penis Flash "Much Ado About Nothing"
James: 'Nothing? What you talkin' about?!'

Jenna Jameson: I'm converting to Judaism
Strictly Kosher salami from now on.

Joyce Mitchell Arrested in Dannemora New York Prison Escape Case, Police Say
Should wager on doing time if she's abetting woman.

Iggy Azalea Threw Out 6 Months of Work on Her New Album
–– Nominated for National Medal of Arts.

Jon Stewart Continues to Use His Daily Show Good-bye As an Opportunity for Self-Deprecation
–– Beating us to punch.

Told She Was Too Attractive For The Salvation Army, Lawsuit Says
Why aroused Soldier could hold up Christmas Red Kettle without hands.

Lee Daniels on 'Empire': "Black People Hate White People Writing for Black People. It's So Offensive”
–– Woody Allen: "See, I told you, that's why I never!"

Country Singer Randy Howard Killed in Gunfight With Bounty Hunter
–– Wished he'd lived to sing the song.

V.A. Musetto, writer of famed New York Post headline, has died
–– Lifeless Body In Topless Casket.

Elephants have a secret language
–– And they're talking about you.

4 fined, released for naked photos on top of Malaysia's Mount Kinabalu
–– Told to avoid melee peninsula.

Is Ebola staging a comeback?
–– Planning tryout in New Haven.

Morgan Freeman to Host ‘The Story of God’ for Nat Geo
–– An autobiography.

Rapper arrested
–– In related news, sun rises.

Dausage is half donut, half sausage
–– And all heart attack.

Bob Costas: Caitlyn Jenner’s ESPYs Award Is ‘Crass Exploitation Play’
–– 'I wish we had NBCys Award to give her.'

Lily Tomlin on David O. Russell: "I Was Stoic in My Suffering"
–– As was audience for I Heart Huckabees.

Terry Gilliam’s Amazon Deal Includes DON QUIXOTE, Possibly DEFECTIVE DETECTIVE Mini-Series
–– No Brazil II for Amazon?

Brazilian makes soccer history
–– Allows for shortest shorts ever.

’Fifty Shades of Grey’s’ Screenwriter Kelly Marcel Hasn’t Seen The Film
–– Exhibiting way better taste than expected.

Lindsey Graham Says He'll Have A 'Rotating First Lady' If Elected President
–– ‘And ah will personally make sure she rotates, wink wink!’

This tiny Russian plane has a ridiculous number of weapons
–– Toothpick missiles, firecracker bombs.

Wawrinka: 'Shorts won Open’
–– On the fly.

Texas officer resigns after 'indefensible' actions at pool party
–– Refused to shower before dip.

D’oh! Homer and Marge set to split on 'The Simpsons’
–– Homer shtupping Family Guy.

Chinese feminists show off armpit hair in photo contest
–– Manchu-style braids won.

Boycotting Wells Fargo over gay ads, televangelist struggles to find a bank that's anti-LGBT enough
–– Would switch to Vatican Bank if it wasn't so Catholic.

First look at Disney's 'Frozen' ride
–– Don’t wear hot pants.

World’s tiniest deer gives birth
–– Dooooe, so cute!

iPhone will track your sex life
–– By storing porn site visits to Cloud.

Clint Eastwood's Caitlyn Jenner Joke to be Cut From Guys Choice Awards
–– Caitlyn still can't decide if she wants it removed.

Gwyneth Paltrow's Daughter Apple Is the Splitting Image of Her
–– Didn’t fall far from tree.

Donald Rumsfeld: George W. Bush Was Wrong About Iraq
–– ‘Who the fuck was advising him?!’

Jeb Bush: Unwed Mothers Should Be Publicly Shamed
–– Like George shamed his wed mother.

HSBC to shed 50,000 jobs
–– Mostly in money laundering division.

Uwe Boll Flips Out When No One Wants to Fund His New Dumb Bad Movie
–– Bolled over.

NSFW: Watch the Porn Scene Edited by Orson Welles
–– From Citizen Came.

Tiger Woods: 'Golf is a lonely sport’
–– Just you, your tiny balls and your millions.

Inmate to be released after more than 40 years in solitary
–– Looks to collect on bet on Frazier to beat Ali in Manila.

Saudi high court upholds prison term, 1,000 lashes, blogger's sister says
–– Talk about pussy whipped.

‘Charlie Brown' actor goes on court tirade
–– Good Grief!

ISIS Publication Was Available for Sale on Amazon
–– Ironically delivered by drone.

‘Leftovers’ Star Justin Theroux on How He Picks Projects: "Usually It's a Gut Thing"
–– Whatever makes public sick to stomach.

’Little People, Big World' stars Matt and Amy Roloff filing for divorce
–– After short stretch.

Can U.S. women shake off World Cup heartbreak?
–– Those unstable, weepy chicks?

‘Very mild' molestation: Duggar sisters defend brother
–– Incest it was no big deal.

’Chiraq’: Working title of new Spike Lee film ignites firestorm in Chicago
–– And France’s ex-President looks to sue.

What’s giving bees dementia?
–– Alzzzzzheimer’s.

Why American Pharoah's name is spelled wrong
–– The first part of the name.

2 killers with power tools escape
–– You know the drill.

Connor Cruise Goes on Bizarre Rant About Caitlyn Jenner, Thinks Overfishing Is Way ''More Important’'
–– While jumping up and down on couch.

Catholic archdiocese in Minnesota charged in priest sex abuse
–– St. Paul would’ve been so proud.

Week of 06/05/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Grow up, and lay off Christie for the baseball pants
But he does look like Babe, the one who lived with Farmer Hoggett.

Hepatitis soars in Appalachia
–– Soars or sores?

ISIS Bans Pigeon Breeding: Bird’s Genitals Are Offensive to Islam
And may make wives jealous when compared to own husbands' equipment.

OWN Pulls Upcoming Docuseries About Man Who Fathered 34 Children
To have been titled All That Jizz.

Royal baby Princess Charlotte to be christened in July
Split of champagne purchased to break across brow.

Barbie gets real, trades heels for flats
–– To be molded from human skin instead of PVC.

Man sings Beatles tune during brain surgery
–– I Me Mind.

Yes, Lindsey Graham is a bachelor. Who cares?
–– Yes, Lindsey Graham is running for President. Who cares?

He feeds 1 million kids every school day
Dennis Hastert?

Air Force intel uses ISIS 'moron' post to track fighters
Kind of the way journalists use Twitter to find Sarah Palin.

Miss Piggy Pens 'Time' Op-Ed: "Why I Am a Feminist Pig”
–– Sick of getting porked.

Marco Rubio and His Wife Cited 17 Times for Traffic Infractions
–– Mostly Driveling Under the Influence.

‘Viagra for Women’ Is Backed by an F.D.A. Panel
–– Under brand name Vag-ooo!-matic.

Pink Slips at Disney. But First, Training Foreign Replacements.
–– Dinesh Duck, Muhammad Mouse, Cruella Devi.

Abbott & Costello Heirs Sue Over Lifting of "Who's on First" Routine
–– Why is way out in left field.

Snoop Dogg Shares Meme Calling Caitlyn Jenner a 'Science Project'
–– But rapper does suffer from chronic arseritis.

Sarah Palin Slams ‘Pedophile’ Lena Dunham, Defends Duggar Family
–– Split on Mani-Pedo.

Well-preserved: At 350, this noblewoman's still fully dressed
–– And still sexier than Madonna.

New Kim Jong Un photos show weight gain
–– Biggest Loser calls to see if he’ll appear.

Rick Perry's wife explains 2012 flameout
–– ‘He’s not flame retardant, just retardant.’

Tempting blue pools in vivid Mars photo aren't what they seem
–– Yes they are: nerd click bait.

Jamie Dimon Is Now a Billionaire, and He Got There in an Unusual Way
–– No rape, just pillage.

Huckabee: I wish I could've identified as female in high school gym
–– Or rodent in science class.

Second Yellowstone visitor injured in bison encounter
–– With Old Faceful.

8th-grader throws down insane dunks
–– At coffee shop.

17-foot oarfish found on Calif. beach
–– Paddling out to sea.

What Lindsey Graham brings to GOP field
–– A hint of mint.

Kerry: ISIS 'is no more a state than I am a helicopter'
–– ‘Or Lance Armstrong!’

Johnny Carson Reigns as America's All-Time Favorite Late-Night Host, Poll Finds
–– His numbers 'Hiyo!'

Hastert’s hush money was to cover up sexual misconduct with former student, sources say
–– First time he wanted victim to keep mouth shut.

Walker: I'd sign abortion ban
–– Except for union workers.

Pakistan agog as arrested top model leaves catwalk for court
–– Prison stripes clashed with print.

How Bobby Jindal Broke the Louisiana Economy
–– Showed up for work the last seven and a half years.

TSA screeners failed tests to detect explosives, weapons in 95% of tests
–– Chief praises ‘extraordinary consistency.’

Vince Vaughn: We Should Encourage Guns in Schools
–– And rotten tomatoes at his screenings.

Iran hosts anti-ISIS cartoon competition
–– Ironometer explodes.

Men brace for 'beard patrols' in Iraq's IS-held Mosul
–– Iraqi hipsters feel safe.

Eichmann wife visited him in Israel before hanging: archives
–– Ironically, brought him necktie as gift.

Indicted ex-FIFA official Jack Warner cites 'Onion' article to defend himself
–– Hires My Cousin Vinny as defense attorney.

World Naked Bike Ride: Nude cyclist removed by police after complaints he was 'aroused'
–– Insisted it was just bike’s banana seat.

Premier League stars' racist orgy shame caught on camera during Thailand end of season tour
–– Showing Pad Prik Pork.

FIFA officials took prostitutes, school fees and even handbags as bribes, it has been claimed
–– Looked fabulous on perp walk.

Tracy Morgan: "I Wonder How I'm Going to Be Funny Again"
–– Again?

This 10-year-old piano prodigy could be the next Chopin
–– Or next Liberace.

Woman who dumped rare Apple computer set for $100,000 payday
–– Took 20 minutes to calculate her 50% share of $200,000 Apple 1 sale.

Iowans daunted by so many GOP options
–– It’s like choosing your favorite Duggar.

Oklahoma troopers fatally shoot man during high water response
–– Face flood of criticism.

Qatar extends travel ban for 'Taliban 5'
–– Band to miss tour dates.

‘Friday the 13th' killer dies
–– Read spoiler obit.

Manziel Throws Water Bottle at Harasser
–– High and wide, of course.

John Kerry in Geneva hospital after bike accident in nearby France
–– Thanks for medical report and geography tip.

Muslim woman denied soda can 'weapon' on flight
–– Even though it was Fatwa Orange.

Paris ends relationship with 'love locks’
–– Chastity belts coming off.

Rare fossils discovered in basement
–– In Regis Philbin’s rec room.

Award-Winning Teacher Fired for Reading an Allen Ginsberg Poem
–– Blows job.

Comedian Jeff Ross Goes Inside Texas Prison for Most "Dangerous" Roast Yet
–– Because he couldn't do 30 mins. of anal rape jokes.

10 things you're eating wrong
–– 7. Pink taco.

NFL team cuts player after arrest for dog's death
–– Spurred by ineligible Retriever downfield.

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