Headbangers 12/15
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Headbangers 04/15
Headbangers 03/15
Headbangers 02/15
Headbangers 01/15
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 05/29/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Bernie Sanders exposed! A shocking look at his views on rape and violence against women
Huh? What? Lost focus after picturing him exposed.

Why Amy Schumer is everywhere
–– Penicillin stopped working.

Dennis Hastert indictment shocks former colleagues
Sure they would've gotten him for bestiality years ago.

Photos: Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch, now $100M Sycamore Valley Ranch
–– Formerly known as Sickermore.

Screech From 'Saved by the Bell' Convicted of Two Misdemeanors in Stabbing Case
–– Redubbed Scratch.

Bernie Sanders’s Message Resonates With a Certain Age Group: His Own
–– When they can hear it.

Bernie Sanders Scores A Win As The Postal Service Backs Off Plan To Close Plants
–– He's still awaiting delivery of Captain Midnight Decoder Ring from 1949.

Christian beheads jihadist in Syria revenge killing: monitor
Tête for tat.

Kelly Ripa Dishes About the New Cleanse That "Changed Her Life": "I'm Eating More Than Ever"
–– "Two grapes for dinner!!"

New World Trade Center tower remains nearly 40 percent empty
Needs a few hundred more tenants born after 2001.

Kendall Jenner Flashes Her Butt Cheeks in Shortest Shorts Imaginable
–– Don't insult our imagination.

Lena Dunham Poses In A Bra And Underwear Because She Can
–– Make us ill.

Lindsay Lohan: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! I Finished My Community Service
–– Expect same result as war in Iraq.

FIFA scandal: Sepp Blatter wins another term as president
–– Blatter relieved.

The women of ISIS: Who are they?
–– Check out new issue of Slayboy.

’Draw Mohammed' rally today
–– Balloons! Prizes! Kevlar!

A customer left a $2,000 tip in a D.C. restaurant
–– Tipsy lobbyist thought he was in Congessman's office.

Racist Dr. Seuss drawing for sale
–– From Horton Hates a Who.

Chinese astronaut: Let me on space station
–– I have takeout delivery.

Spelling bee ends in tie, again
–– Notted.

Putin Says FIFA Arrests Show U.S. Meddling Abroad, Backs Blatter
–– Praises overactive Blatter.

The Stunning Evolution of Millennials: They've Become the Ben Franklin Generation
–– Bald, fat, horny.

FIFA President Makes Appeal for Re-Election Amid Scandal
–– His slogan: ‘Unindicted As Of Yet!’

Alec Baldwin Gets 'Mildly Depressed' When He's Away From His Family
–– When he’s working, so do we.

George Pataki makes long-shot bid for President
–– Like shooting BB gun at space shuttle.

Pope Reveals He Hasn't Watched TV Since 1990
–– Year Pee-wee’s Playhouse was cancelled.

Volvo plows into pedestrians during safety demo
–– Example of Bergmanesque Swedish irony.

Rand Lets Loose: GOP Hawks Made ISIS
–– Experts struggle to explain lucidity.

Rand Paul: Republican brand 'sucks' and is 'broken'
–– Docs suspect sodium pentothal in drinking water.

Playboy’s comeback strategy: Less skin
–– Especially Hef's sagging flesh.

Live anthrax inadvertently sent by U.S. military
–– COD to ISIS HQ.

French bartender sentenced after customer drinks 56 shots and dies
–– Did call for hearse so he didn't have to drive home.

Jet has near miss with volcano
–– Volcano swerved at last minute.

Why is the U.S. bringing down the hammer on FIFA?
–– LA really wants 2024 Games.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan Lost 40 Pounds for Texas Rising Role by Living on One Can of Tuna a Day
–– In bid to win Empty Award.

Dog strapped to motorcyclist's back on U.S. interstate
–– And ferret to helmet.

How a California Woman Fell in Love With a Vatican Swiss Guard
–– Previous boyfriend Cirque de Soleil clown.

Michael Kors Shares Tumble After Forecast Misses Estimates
–– Like last season's hemlines.

Clinton urges making middle class 'mean something again’
–– Suggests ‘Democrat dupes.’

Giant, buff kangaroo stalks Australian suburb
–– Got in shape kicking Aussie ass.

‘Jonny Quest' hitting the big screen and the Internet has opinions
–– Mostly from 60-year-olds who still live with mother.

‘Star Trek' fan builds company headquarters in shape of USS Enterprise
–– Converts entire production line to plastic Spock ears.

Senator, aide wed after scrutiny
–– Aren’t you supposed to scrutinize after the wedding?

Josh Duggar ‘found forgiveness and cleansing from Jesus Christ,’ in-law says
–– When the Lord spat upon him.

Capitol Police destroy pressure cooker in suspicious car on National Mall
–– Pot roast ruined.

Art Garfunkel: Paul Simon Has Become a "Monster"
–– “A small, almost-cuddly one, but, nonetheless…”

72-Year-Old Woman Says Tom Brady Is Innocent in Her Obituary
–– Of killing her?!

Carter: Iraqis showed 'no will to fight' in Ramadi
–– 'Kind of like Pacquiao.'

Elephant snatches man's camera, takes amazing ‘elphie'
–– Sexts shot of junk in trunk.

Judge Allows Sofia Vergara's Ex To Sue For Custody Of Frozen Embryos
–– Wants all eggs in one bastard.

TV Host Byron Allen Slams President Obama: "A White President in Blackface"
–– From Al Jolson of comedy.

John Stamos on Olsen Twins Not Returning for ‘Full House’ Revival: ‘This Is Not a Money Gig’
–– ‘We are all of us fervently seeking artistic fulfillment.’

Church unnerved by Ireland's huge 'Yes' to gay marriage
–– Clergy wonders how it will explain it to abused altar boys.

A band of sisters in Special Ops
–– Pussy Riot enlists.

Archbishop nears sainthood
–– By binge-watching entire run of Touched By an Angel.

Gloria Steinem visits North Korea to push feminism and peace
–– Kim cancels subscription to Ms. magazine.

Week of 05/22/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Environmentalists Seize on Latest Santa Barbara Oil Spill
–– Fail to grasp it.

ELLE Australia cover shows model breastfeeding
Baby actually prefers synthetic milk.

What Are Chinese Submarines Doing in the Indian Ocean?
–– Fire drills?

Mike Huckabee Defends Josh Duggar, Criticizes "Bloodthirsty Media"
–– And why have sex with his sister? 'He Duggar.'

Russia Threatens to Block Facebook, Twitter, Google For Failing to Report Political Bloggers
–– And replace every guy on Tinder with Putin.

Is Putin's rumored girlfriend pregnant?
–– Or is polonium diet causing bloating?

World's largest hotel coming to Mecca
–– Pronounced Mega?

McCain: Obama's ISIS comments are 'mindboggling'
'At least that's what I think is boggling it. Could just be old age.'

Vin Diesel Sings Heart-Wrenching Karaoke Cover for Late Paul Walker
–– And ear-twisting.

Kim Jong Un's rarely seen older brother sighted in London
–– You remember, the weird one.

Showing Your Underwear Is the Classiest Power Move You Can Make
–– Hillary flashes Spanx.

Remains of Bronze-Age Cultic Priestess Hold Surprise
–– Used cocoa butter.

David Letterman vs. Jay Leno: Why did Dave get the finale love denied Jay?
–– Jay didn't treat critics and fans with sufficient contempt.

Here are the most ridiculous questions al-Qaeda asks on its official job application
–– 3. Who's your favorite Kardashian?

Rockefeller to mark 100th birthday with land gift in Maine
–– A 6-ft. plot?

Scrabble dictionary will make you lolz with its ridic list of new words
–– If lolz means losing our lunches.

HS student has 8 degrees
–– Of separation from Kevin Bacon.

What is Red Nose Day?
–- Just check pollen count.

Donor presses Rubio on gay unions
–– Like the International Brotherhood of Reamsters.

Jeb Bush: It's 'Intellectual Arrogance' To Agree With Scientists About Humans Driving Climate Change
–– And 'uppity' to acknowledge gravity.

Here’s What 'Breastaurants' Really Think Of Their Customers
–– They’re boobs.

Aaron Hernandez got a huge 'LIFETIME' neck tattoo in prison
–– Big fan of cable network.

Top Boy Scout: Lift gay adult ban
–– I’m lonely.

Israel PM reverses ban on Palestinians using settler buses
–– As long as they sit in back.

It’s Not the Size of the Room, It's What You Do With It That Matters
–– ‘Wink,wink’, nudge nudge’.

A Glowing Leighton Meester Shows Off Her Baby Bump While Out With Adam Brody
–- Swallowed radioactive isotope.

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard Taught Their Two-Year-Old Daughter Lincoln to Quote 'Game of Thrones’
–– The Gettysburg Address?

Jane Fonda: 'I've Always Had a Good Bum’
–– Roger Vadim, Tom Hayden, Ted Turner.

John Glenn: Evolution should be taught in schools
–– And that's coming from a dinosaur.

The best sunscreens of 2015 that we are not using (especially men)
–– 2. Lead shield.

North Korea says it can miniaturize nuclear weapons
–– So they can get their tiny arms around them.

America’s best BBQ is …
–– Going to contribute to your heart attack.

Secret space plane launches
–– Correction: Not-so-secret space plane launches.

Bargain: Bacon is 25% cheaper now
–– Pigs not squealing with delight.

Sumner Redstone's Two Girlfriends Throwing Him 92nd Birthday "Passion to Party" Bash Amid Viacom Intrigue
–– Instead of originally-scheduled "Rewrite the Will' wingding.

Pataki: Send combat troops to fight ISIS
–– Poughkeepsie's voice of authority finally weighs in.

Jimmy Kimmel on Childhood Hero: ‘David Letterman Was My Jesus’
–– 'I was social leper.'

Cher Pays Tribute to David Letterman: "I Called Him an Asshole on the Air”
–– No higher compliment.

CBS’ Leslie Moonves Reveals Surprising Side of David Letterman: He's "Extraordinarily Sensitive”
–– When you turn him over and rub belly.

Bill O'Reilly Denies Report Alleging Physical Abuse of Ex-Wife
–– And mental abuse of audience.

No fresh lobster? Kim Jong Un takes aim at North Korean terrapin farm
–– Officially renamed Red Lobster.

Bandidos vs. Cossacks: Was the Texas biker shootout over territory?
–– Or cutest gang name?

Judge Wants to Know If 'Happy Birthday' Copyright Was Abandoned
–– And why he can't blow out trick candles on cake.

Florida’s Valencia College sued over forced vaginal exams
–– After a series of probes.

Adnan Syed, convicted killer in 'Serial,' gets big break in quest for new trial
–– NPR pledge drive exceeds goal.

Clintons have earned more than $30 million since 2014, report shows
–– Republicans outraged by 'takers' of big checks.

Sarah Palin: Daughter Bristol's Wedding Has Been Called Off
–– Fiancé regained consciousness.

Did Pope call Abbas an ‘angel'?
–– Did Abbas respond by calling Francis ‘Poopsie’?

Vice Co-Founder Gavin McInnes on Trolling Feminists: I'm Not Andy Kaufman; This Isn't a Joke
–– But I should at least pretend to be dead.

10 things we know about bullying
–– 6. Discovered By Theodore Roosevelt in 1884.

Source: John Kasich 'very likely' to run in 2016
–– Republicans need him for a minyan.

1st-Team All-Big Ten Defensive Lineman Tackles Tree to the Ground
–– Emulating Warren Sapp.

Pat Sajak: “global warming alarmists are unpatriotic racists”
–– A_ _ HOLE.

Charlize Theron Shuts Down the Cannes Red Carpet in a Stunning Yellow Gown
–– That accentuated her cannes.

Did Louis C.K. go too far? Social media erupts after 'SNL' monologue
–– With blackheads and whiteheads.

NASA: 10,000-year-old Antarctic ice shelf will disappear by 2020
–– Knick knacks to remain.

Week of 05/15/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

David Letterman on retirement: It's time, but he's torn
–– Late Show laid to rest.

Can Sanders fill the Warren void?
–– If he buys her dinner and asks real nice.

Nigerian Restaurant Shut Down for Serving Human Flesh
Why, because human was vegetarian?

Kris Jenner Opens Up About Bruce Jenner's Transition in NYT Interview
–– NYT transitioning into TMZ.

Melissa Rivers: Kathy Griffin "Shit All Over My Mother's Legacy”
–– Which was a little matchy matchy.

Box Office: 'Pitch Perfect 2' Outsings 'Mad Max: Fury Road' Thursday Night
–– Beaten by Tetched Tween.

Top 10 reasons David Letterman is a comedy god
–– 8. God is dead.

Egg Farms Hit Hard as Bird Flu Affects Millions of Hens
–– Many laid off.

Colorado Rancher Become Accidental Genius After Brain Injury
–– The only kind of genius you becomes in Colorado.

Amber Rose Has 'Lesbianic Feelings' for One of Leo DiCaprio's Former Co-Stars
–– Would like to 'muff her lines.'

Paul Shaffer recalls unforgettable "Late Show" moment
–– Not so impressive when you think about it.

Man who smuggled oil into US in wine bottles gets probation
–– And a case of an amusing WD-40.

Florida man ran over a family of ducklings as a human family watched in horror
–– No one said ‘duck.’

Boehner erupts over suggested link between Amtrak funding and crash
–– Positively rails.

Verizon buys AOL for $4.4 billion
–- Message to disappointed investors: 'You've got mil.'

John Bolton will not run for president
–– Walruses heartbroken.

Man with drone detained at WH
–– Not Barack Obama.

Found: First warm-blooded fish
–– Sautes self.

40% of U.S. food goes to waste: One man's solution
–– Massive doggie bags.

Avon’s sad tale: An American icon in decline
–– Where will American women ever again find crappy cosmetics?

Bill Cosby on sex assault allegations: 'I've never seen anything like this’
–– 'These womens' mouths didn't move when I was with them.'

When a Cashier at the Grocery Store Brought Me to Tears With 8 Words
–– ‘Put it back or I’ll call the cops.’

Adam Sandler's 'Ridiculous Six': Makeup Pros Darkening Actors' Skin to Make Them Appear Native American, Says Source
–– Surgeons removing actors’ brain cells to make them appear more like Sandler.

Hackers drain bank accounts via Starbucks app
–– Even more than venti triple lattes.

Congress to crack down on drunken Capitol parties
–– Replacing booze with crack.

Ex-warden: Supermax prison 'worse than death’
–– Blue collar criminals sentenced to Officemax.

Marlin swats homer out of Dodger Stadium
–– Using upper beak.

The $179 Million Picasso That Explains Global Inequality
–– And the concept 'too fucking rich.'

This question stumps Republicans
–– How many fingers am I holding up?

Reports: N. Korea executes minister with anti-aircraft gun
–– Ack-ack ick-ick.

Sepp Blatter Reportedly Wary of Entering United States Due to FBI Investigation
–– Agency fears loss of Blatter control.

Jorge Posada Doesn't Think A-Rod Should Make The Hall Of Fame
–– Nay-Rod!

Why the world’s most powerful countries are on a fighter jet spending spree
–– Death Stars in short supply.

60 Mad Facts About the Original 'Mad Max' Films
–– 57. Girlfriend Mad Min written out of Road Warrior.

Who’s playing Kardashian mom in TV series?
–– Is Rip Taylor still working?

Marilyn Mosby under fire again after appearance at Prince gig
–– Cops just taking target practice.

Jay Z Reportedly Bought Beyonce a ‘Game of Thrones’ Dragon Egg Prop
–– And Solange a plastic dragon turd.

North Korean leader ordered aunt to be poisoned, defector says
–– Slipped her aunt acid.

Florence Henderson Describes How Former NYC Mayor John Lindsay Gave Her Crabs
–– Which you’d expect from Mayor of Baltimore.

Police: George Zimmerman involved in Florida shooting
–– Seeks another shot at fame.

How evangelicals are fighting big business
–– Praying on their competitors.

Who donated a grenade to Goodwill???
–– The Salvation Army.

It’s like Mario Bros. -- with tampons
–– For your iPad.

Boston bomber said 'no one' should suffer as his victims-nun
–– No one or nun?

Obama steps in with outsourcer
–– And out with insourcer.

Morgan Freeman Defends His Marijuana Use: "I'll Eat It, Drink It, Smoke It, Snort It”
–– That’s Chris Christie’s Twinkie defense!

Anthony Geary Quits ‘General Hospital’ After 37 Years Playing Luke Spencer
–– The anesthetic finally wore off.

Jon Stewart smacks down Megyn Kelly for hypocrisy over GOP corruption
–– After shooting fish in barrel.

Graham: GOP 'getting creamed with non-white voters'
–– Half and half.

Anyone Else Notice That Miley Cyrus Is Killing It These Days?
–– Pop music is nearly dead.

Barbecue restaurant owner says 'White Appreciation Day' misunderstood
–– By ignorant non-whites.

Egyptian court: Former President Hosni Mubarak can go free
–– Revolution, removal from office, incarceration and threat of execution ruled 'all a dream.'

Week of 05/08/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Is Cameron The UKs Last Prime Minister?
––Yes, and its next.

Jeb Bush's foreign policy adviser? George W.
–– His economic advisor? Bernie Madoff.

Rand Paul celebrates NSA ruling with flash sale on spy cam blockers
–– Relieved he can sell his and get back to sending dick pics.

Airport x-ray discovers 8-year-old boy in suitcase
Parents only paid carry-on fee for 6-year-old.

Chris Brown Says a "Crazy Individual" Broke Into His House and Wrote "I Love You" on His Walls
–– So he affectionately slugged her.

San Francisco arrests under review after officers' slur-filled texts revealed
–– Cops claim cellphones were drunk.

America’s poor are 'envy of the world,' says richest Congressman
–– Its rich a source of endless embarrassment.

How Cannes Organizers Plan to Stop "Ridiculous and Grotesque" Red-Carpet Selfies
–– Chopping off starlets' arms.

‘Puffed-up planet' seen orbiting small star
–– Harvey Weinstein escorting child actor.

Salman Khan’s Jail Sentence Suspended; Bollywood Industry Crisis Averted?
–– Bail? He would.

Golf-ball diving: The lakes lined with $150K of 'white gold’
–– For chilly frogmen with tiny white balls.

10 Worst Body Language Mistakes
–– 6. Indicating 'we are number 1' with middle finger.

Cop Suing Starbucks Says He Didn't Think the Coffee 'Was That Hot’
–– Which jurors said of lawsuit.

Oscar Isaac's 'Star Wars' character may be from Yavin 4
–– Or the Valley.

‘His Royal Hotness' Prince Harry goes walkabout in Sydney
–– Sunburns his didgeridoo.

WATCH: A Rat Crashes a Live Madonna Interview - In Her Home!
–– And we thought she changed locks on Guy Ritchie.

Think You Can't Love Chris Pratt Anymore? Check Out His High School Yearbook Photos
–– Anymore? Never did.

Mindy Kaling Has Perfect Reaction to Fox Canceling 'The Mindy Project’
–– Hands reporter resumé.

Mel Gibson Makes Surprise Visit to ‘Mad Max’ Premiere
–– Blames post-apocalyptic water shortage on Jews.

James Franco: 'McDonald's was there for me when no one else was’
–– Script for Pineapple Express found in Happy Meal.

Jackie Chan Supports Death Penalty for Drug Offenders After Son's Arrest
–– Couldn't he just cut him out of will?

George Clooney Is Still Gushing Over Amal Alamuddin
–– Her dry-cleaning bills are epic.

Watch: Kylie Jenner Says She's ''High as F—k''
–– "F––k" being Scott Disick.

Adam Levine gets 'sugar-bombed' in Los Angeles
–– At least, that's how he explains white powder on face to DEA agent.

Review: Mariah Carey and Her Can’t-Look-Away Debut in Las Vegas
–– Look what eyesore.

Britney Spears Extends Las Vegas Residency Despite Injury
–– City suffers ruptured ear drum.

McDonald’s has a new Hamburglar
–– Who hid his quarter-pounder in Mayor McCheese.

Tom Brady likely knew of 'inappropriate activities,' Deflategate report says
–– Faces softball questions from press.

The G.O.P.’s War on Science Gets Worse
–– 'Floaters' deny existence of gravity.

‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2’ Falls Just Shy of a Zero Percent Rotten Tomatoes Rating
–– Fat face lands on 6%.

Jason Derulo Falls Down Stairs At Met Gala? See Shocking Pics
–– Shocked onlookers: ‘Who?!’

Jason Derulo did not fall down the stairs at Met Gala
–– Anna Wintour hires Paul Blart to investigate.

Jason Derulo Responds to Rumor That He Fell Down the Steps at the Met Gala
–– Wonders why everyone's trippin'.

FKA Twigs Wore a Penis on Her Met Gala Dress
–– And a dick on her arm: Robert Pattinson.

Adele Is Unrecognizable in Drag as George Michael on Her 27th Birthday
–– Party held in public men's room.

Why Ron Jeremy No Longer Performs Oral Sex On Himself
–– He swallowed his pride.

Nun Gives Birth To Baby Boy In Italy
–– Hopes to be mother superior.

Tests show some beards are as dirty as toilets
–– Depends who’s been sitting on face.

Muhammad cartoon contest: Note to jihadists, in America, we shoot back
–– And black.

Huckabee: If Court Rules Gay Marriage a ‘Civil Right,’ Pastors Must Comply or They’ll ‘Be Breaking the Law’
–– Demonstrates keen understanding of judicial system.

Nigeria’s Boko Haram in disarray as government forces advance
–– Broko Haram.

Woman seeking man she kissed at marathon hears from his wife
–– Who asks for smooch.

How many saw big fight for free
–– And still felt cheated.

Pacquiao: 'I thought I won’
–– ‘Against that guy, what’s his name, with the hard fists?’

Chris Brown a Suspect in Las Vegas Battery
–– AAA-hole.

Prosecutor: Tsarnaev cried for 'The Lion King,' but not for bomb victims
–– Even when smoke got in his eye.

Perry, Cruz get fiery in South Carolina
–– Lighting farts aflame.

‘Star Wars' director pulls out
–– Princess Leia ‘unsatisfied.’

GOP Prosecutor Defends Scott Walker Criminal Probe, Says "Let's Get the Truth Out”
–– ‘Of the judicial process.’

Miley Cyrus Dyes Her Hair Pink...But Not on Her Head—See the Photos!
–– On knuckles she drags on ground.

Royal Baby: TV Networks Show Prince George Arriving at Hospital to Visit His Newborn Sister
–– Parks pram in handicap spot, curses meter maid, flips paparazzi bird.

Week of 05/01/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Indicted ex-Christie aide: I was being sarcastic
'I mean you could've called it Bitchgate.'

Carson: Baltimore mom who hit son a 'wonderful example'
Talking smack.

Barbra Streisand's Dog Samantha Bites Flight Attendant on Private Jet
–– For not referring to her mistress as her Babsness.

David Letterman Says an Emotional Goodbye to Animal Expert 'Jungle' Jack Hanna
–– Pair sadly rub bare bottoms.

Wisconsin Republicans Don’t Want Food Stamp Recipients Buying Beans, Potatoes, Pasta Sauce
–– Scott Walker: ‘What’s wrong with some nutritious bread and water?’

14 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman Who Lost Her Father
–– 7. Did you check Lost and Found?

Man hangs up on Pope Francis, thinking it's a prank call
–– Pontiff had asked him if he had Prince Albert in a can.

Netanyahu Seeks to Defuse Obama Spat With Action on Palestinians
–– So he spat on them.

Cruz tries to blame Obama for 2008 crash
–– Citing his time on the Federal Reserve Board in the early 2000s and his critical role as an economic advisor to George W. Bush.

Space probe slams into planet
–– Didn't see brake lights.

FDA approves new drug to dissolve chin fat
–– Wattle they think of next?

Iran accuses seized foreign ship of 'peculiar' activity
–– Did not face east and bow five times a day.

How Rand Paul learned to talk to black people
–– Listened to Amos and Andy.

Kristen Stewart: Hollywood Is "Disgustingly Sexist”
–– But, lucky for her, doesn’t discriminate against marginally talented.

Kristen Stewart Says 'Fame Is the Worst Thing in the World’
–– Suggests adding Fifth Horseman of Apocalypse.

Chicken-Fried Steak Recipe from 'A Taste of Cowboy’
–– Doesn’t say which part of cattleman steak is cut from.

Russia: Kim Jong Un Cancels Trip To Moscow
–– Couldn’t get out of hair appointment.

Anti-Gay GOP Politician Comes Out After Being Caught Sending Explicit Photos On Grindr
–– His name, Randy Boehning, should’ve been clue.

White House spokesman on Texas governor's military drills: 'I have no idea what he's thinking’
–– Governor: ‘Thinkin’? That’s fer sissies!’

Baltimore Orioles play game in empty stadium
–– Not Tampa Bay Rays’ Tropicana Field.

Monkey droppings help scientists study their diets
–– Monkey seize monkey doo.

Pig farmers more likely to carry drug-resistant staph bacteria
–– And enjoy a snort.

Jeffrey Dahmer's killer explains why he did it
–– Couldn’t stomach him.

“When I Pee, I Don't Flush": How Hollywood Is Battling California's Drought
–– I put it on network TV.

Elijah Cummings: 'Baltimore can happen anywhere’
–– Coeur d’Alene, Reykjavik, Mars.

Dog stares down 7 foot gator in Florida
–– Sounds like a croc.

Report: Kim had 15 executed
–– When they brought her wrong bottled water on set of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

NEWS LEAK: NBA Great's Daughter Arrested For Urinating In Hotel Lobby
–– Penalized for dribbling.

Steam To Get Its First Adults-Only Rated Game
–– Expected to be vapid.

Baltimore Mayor, Md. Governor Walk Out of Riots Interview With CNN's Don Lemon
–– Soured on experience.

To fight revenge porn, I had to copyright my breasts
–– And have left one tattooed with ®.

NASA: Russia seeks contact with craft bound for International Space Station
–– Tries IM, Instagram, Tinder.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos' space company launches first rocket into space
–– To deliver $5 socks to Prime customer on ISS.

Stephen Hawking: Zayn Malik Could Still Be in One Direction in Another Universe
–– Along with other collapsed stars.

Final goodbyes for foreigners set to face Indonesian firing squad
–– Before gunmen shoot up drug dealers.

Jane Goodall: SeaWorld 'should be closed down’
–– Appalled by treatment of sea-monkeys.

70 things you’ll never hear a New Yorker say
–– 70. I’m going to read this list.

Two-way mirror found in bar's bathroom stall
–– Who watches this shit?

VH1 Cancels Plans for ‘Osbournes’ Reboot
–– Citing animal cruelty laws.

Kim Kardashian: Bruce Jenner Has "Found Inner Peace and Pure Happiness”
–– Divorce will do that.

Laverne Cox: Bruce Jenner Told Me the Diane Sawyer Interview “Is Like Another gold Medal”
–– In shot puss.

George W. Bush Blasts Obama’s ‘Strategic Blunder’ in Iraq, Says He’d be Popular if He ‘Owned NBC News’
–– Says of Brian Williams: “I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul; a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country.”

Pro-Putin bikers turned away at Polish border
–– After Poles tried slaughtering their hogs.

Watch Native American Actors on 'Ridiculous Six' Set Told to Leave "If You Are Overly Sensitive"
–– ‘To being scalped by a moron.’

Vanilla Ice Defends Adam Sandler’s ‘Ridiculous Six': It’s Not ‘Dances With Wolves’
–– It’s not even ‘F Troop.’

Gunshots fired at Lil Wayne's tour bus
–– Said he’d forgotten what a hit sounds like.

Willie Nelson: 'Reefer Madness' made me scared of marijuana
–– A phobia for which I got a prescription for weed.

‘Avengers: Age of Ultron': Hundreds of German Theaters Boycotting Marvel Film
–– Amid charges of plagiarizing plot to rule world.

Ted Cruz: Democratic Party home to 'liberal fascism' against Christians
–– The elitist Snazzi Party.

What Tom Cruise Got His Lawyer for His Birthday
–– L. Ron Hubbard action figure.

Film Star Wattage Continues to Dwindle at White House Correspondents' Dinner
–– Naomi didn't show.

Tribeca: Director Cary Fukunaga Says Movie Fans Are "As Responsible for the Death of Cinema as the People Who Make It"
–– Talk about blaming the victim.

Bruce Jenner comes out ... as a Republican
–– Brave spokesperson for transfatheads.

'X-Men' character Iceman outed as gay
–– Wants to be called Icequeen.

Senate Dems to seek higher wages for cafeteria workers, sources say
–– High on their listeria.

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