Headbangers 12/15
Headbangers 11/15
Headbangers 10/15
Headbangers 09/15
Headbangers 08/15
Headbangers 07/15
Headbangers 06/15
Headbangers 05/15
Headbangers 04/15
Headbangers 03/15
Headbangers 02/15
Headbangers 01/15
Headbangers 2014
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 03/27/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Rand Paul knocks soon-to-be rival Ted Cruz
–– 'Ya call dat crazy, woo woo woo!?'

Obama Is a 'Psychopath,' Ben Carson Says; Will Gaffes Hurt His Campaign?
–– Lone sane supporter waffles.

Steven Moffat: ‘Sherlock’ Season 4 Will Have Fans ‘Desperate for Season 5′
–– ‘Because Season 4 sucks.’

Senator: Church attendance should be mandatory
–– Prayer necessary to survive our governance.

Eat cereal and live a long time
–– Intones Count Chocula, staring into your eyes.

Lawsuit panics wine drinkers
–– Who have no trouble getting over it.

Romney: I wouldn't have swapped for Bergdahl
–– With my rare Ted Williams’ card.

Late legendary coach: Dinner's on me
–– Worms RSVP.

’Doctor Who’: Where are they now?
–– Who’s on first.

NCAA 'concerned' over Indiana law that allows biz to reject gays
–– Only teams should be able to do that.

Sarah Palin Stuns In Daughter Bristol's White Mini Dress On 'SNL'
–– With matching taser.

Turkish cartoonists fined for suggesting Erdogan is gay
–– Threatens to reenact Lawrence of Arabia torture scene on them.

Robert Durst’s Ex-Girlfriend: ‘I Dodged a Bullet’
–– Literally.

Chelsea Handler: Bill Cosby "Tried to Cosby Me" in Atlantic City
–– But couldn't get her to pass out after 2 Mickey Finns and a Spanish Fly.

Fox mismanages the first reveal of The Thing from 'Fantastic Four' reboot
–– Which thing?

Renee Richards still amazed she broke transgender taboo
–– Never thought she'd switch rackets.

Ben Stiller: Joan Rivers and I Never Made Amends Before Her Death, "She Didn't Like Me”
–– Yet another accolade.

Amal Clooney Shows Off Her Abs in a Feather Crop Top and Funky Bell Bottoms
–– Abs get own contract with Ford Models.

Woman ‘Physically Sick’ After Her Anorexia Photo Used In ‘Amazing’ Weight Loss Story
–– Now suffers from bulimia.

Russian superhighway could connect London to New York
–– Or the moon.

Chinese archaeologists find 2-million-year-old 'playground' of ancient toys
–– Not manufactured in China!

Betty White's Biggest Regret Is So Sweet, It Hurts
–– Type 2 diabetes.

National Gallery of Australia launches its first ever naked art tour
–– Aboriginal fertility statues retch a little.

Football coach: I'm not worth $5M salary
–– Gimme a D. Gimme an U. Gimme an H.

Bus falls in sinkhole, gets swept away by river
–– Reaches destination 10 minutes ahead of schedule.

Beauty queen called not Japanese enough
–– Looks too mature in school girl uniform.

Thank Jupiter for your existence
–– Thracian slave!

Heinz and Kraft to merge
–– In Russian dressing.

Cruz getting Obamacare
–– Obama: ‘I didn’t even realize it covered what he has.’

After 22 years on death row, murder case tossed
–– Ex-con sent hand-written apology.

‘Heather Has Two Mommies' comes out again
–– Tells them she’s straight.

Jason Hoppy Exploring 'Legal Options' After Bethenny Frankel Interview
–– Let's just say he's not Hoppy.

GOP Rep. Peter King Slams Ted Cruz For 'Carnival' Antics
–– From his freak show tent.

5 Islamic Philosophers Every Muslim Must Read
–– 3. Iman.

Brian Williams Makes First Public Appearance Since NBC News Suspension
–– Sees shadow: 6 more weeks of bullshit.

India gives jailed tycoon Subrata Roy last chance to raise $1.6 bn
–– Which is an awful lot of BJs.

12-Year-old Girl Tries to Poison Her Mom for Taking her iPhone Away
–– Inspired by Snow White's poison Apple.

Serena Williams Embraces Natural Hair on the Cover of “Vogue"
–– Not her own.

Jay Z Paternity Case Nears Shock Settlement
–– With his nuts hooked up to car battery.

NFL drops TV blackout rule
–– Players can now pass out during post-game interviews.

The Boy Scouts, the pedophile and his church
–– Which of these doesn’t belong? None.

Singer David Crosby hits jogger with car
–– Thought it was Stills or Nash.

Bob Jones III apologizes for saying gays should be stoned
–– Says he was just quoting Dylan’s Rainy Day Women #12 & 35.

Pope Francis gets very special pizza delivery
–– From Papa John XXIII.

Did Pope Francis perform miracle?
–– Keeping that whole pie down was pretty amazing.

McCain: Get over your temper tantrum, Mr. President
–– Spittle spraying from his empurpled, curled lips.

No, Obamas aren't buying 'Magnum, P.I.' house
–– Are renting Tom Selleck for yard work.

NBAer banned for groin punch
–– Should’ve palmed balls.

Original Disney monorail cab for sale
–– Keep your arms and legs outside the vehicle.

First No. 1 seed falls
–– Sapling expected.

Olive Garden's neverending comeback
–– In the john.

Week of 03/20/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Bipartisan love: Boehner, Pelosi strike deal to kick 'doc fix'
Would allow Medicare providers to mainline cash.

Durst tied to other cold cases?
–– On other networks?

Petraeus: ISIS isn't biggest threat
–– Horny biographers far more dangerous.

Suge Knight faints in court
–– He did not, in all his born days, expect such vulgar language.

Burger King to sell perfume
–– Or get it free walking in front door.

Why Putin's hosting Kim Jong Un
–– Only leader to accept invite.

Obama to reassess Israel ties
–– He has enough blue and white ones.

Stephen Sondheim Pans Lady Gaga's Oscars Performance: "She Was a Travesty”
–– Christens her "Lady Caca."

Julianne Moore Says E! Mani-Cam Is “Humiliating”
–– Declines comment on Muff-Cam.

Robert Durst Had Latex Mask, Fake ID and $42,000 Cash When Arrested
–– Claims he was headed to Charlie Sheen party.

Fisherman releases shark at busy Florida beach
–– Hoping someone would adopt him.

Burst pipe in basement led to this ancient find
–– Granny.

What not to wear during a bank robbery
–– Stiletto heels.

Extended breastfeeding linked to higher IQ and income in study
–– Researchers encourage teat-à-têtes.

Liza Minnelli enters rehab
–– Facility admits defeat, closes.

What does Pastor Creflo Dollar do with his money?
–– Makes sure dollars creflo.

2,000 dead geese fall from the sky
–– 1,000 keep flying.

Marvin Gaye Family Wants 'Blurred Lines' Judge to Punish Record Labels, T.I.
–– By making them listen to it over and over again.

Putin Could Set Off World War 3, Says Ukrainian Boxing Champion
–– On PPV.

ABC’s Chevy Chase-Beverly D'Angelo Comedy Pilot Undergoes Surprising Title Change
–– National Lampoon’s Vacation from Hell.

Why the Earth Will Never Be Invaded
–– Protected by Secret Service.

U.S. Weapons Worth $500 Million Vanish in Yemen
–– Including disintegrator beam.

How Paula Deen Lost 35 Pounds
–– Shed dignity.

Hawks want 2 Chainz to sign a ten-day contract with them
–– Rapper not sure he wants to be linked to them.

Raven-Symone Defends Univision Anchor's Michelle Obama Comments: "Some People Do Look Like Animals”
–– And some are named after them.

Crocs Eating Human At Zimbabwe Cruise Shock British Tourists
–– Except cannibals on board.

deGrom flashes award-winning form over five
–– Five to press indecent exposure charges.

Repeated remembering 'wipes similar memories’
–– As does MiB neuralyzer.

Low-cost airline plans $15 flight to Europe
–– From Europe.

Ashley Judd vows to press charges against Twitter trolls
–– Subpoenas to be served under bridges.

Kendrick Lamar's new album breaks a record
–– If you whack the LP with the CD really hard.

See how Ikea is banning fun
–– Allen wrenches that fit.

Kraft recalls 242,000 cases of mac and cheese for metal pieces
–– They said it added fiber.

Man runs toward cockpit yelling 'jihad, jihad’
–– Had one too many molotov cocktails.

Aaron Schock resigns amid scandal
–– No one schocked.

Dairy Queen is giving away ice cream
–– To her fattest subjects.

81-year-old man attacked by fire ants
–– You thought he was crotchety before!

Toto bassist dies
–– Dorothy heartbroken.

Robert Durst Heard Off-Camera In HBO Finale Of 'The Jinx' Saying He 'Killed Them All’
–– In the stand-up comedy sense.

Ancient Egyptian tomb uncovered
–– ISIS: ‘We cannot wait to sack it!’

Saddam Hussein's Tomb Destroyed In Fighting Between ISIS, Iraqi Forces
–– ISIS: 'We were but practicing for Egyptian tomb!'

Doctors claim first successful penis transplant
–– Donor was double jointed.

Why has Putin gone missing?
–– See above.

Bieber ends Comedy Central roast with humility
–– Was Bieberqued.

’Buffy’ star arrested on charge of criminal mischief
–– Neck-biting for fun.

Bristol Palin and Medal of Honor recipient Dakota Meyer engaged
–– In line for another bravery medal.

McConnell: No Lynch vote unless Democrats relent on bill
–– “Though ah have been tempted to vote to lynch before.’

Elton John's Dolce & Gabbana boycott spreads
–– Like disco fever.

Week of 03/13/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Rare photos of Osama bin Laden's lair
–– On Mount Doom in Mordor.

KKK official comments on frat video
–– Provides pointers to inexperienced bigots.

‘Vikings’ Actress on Shocking Exit: She "Let the Gods Take Her"
–– Hammered by Thor.

Ballpark to offer Krispy Kreme hotdog
–– And defibrillator paddles embazoned with team logo.

‘Fashion Police’s’ Kathy Griffin to Giuliana Rancic: ‘Don’t Have Anyone Write You Jokes’
–– 'If you want to keep your…'

Kathy Griffin leaving 'Fashion Police' after 7 episodes
–– 'Never mind.'

Prince Charles opens up
–– Box of chocolates.

Julianne Moore Remembers 'Still Alice' Director Richard Glatzer
–– Her character couldn’t.

Chloë Sevigny thinks Jennifer Lawrence is annoying and crass
–– And 'disgustingly recognizable.'

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Adopting Another Child: Report
–– Which is, even by their standards, an odd name for a baby.

‘Blurred Lines' Verdict Has Music Industry Singing the Blues
–– Which they plagiarized from Muddy Waters.

Madonna Tells Howard Stern Why She Never Reported Rape: ‘It’s Too Much Humiliation’
–– ‘I wanted the audience try to get over it.’

Madonna "Felt Incarcerated" by Guy Ritchie During Their Marriage
–– He felt he was protecting society.

Florence Henderson, 81, Has a Friend With Benefits: "It's Just Wonderful”
–– Medicare Part B.

Saudi 'gang' leader 44th beheaded this year
–– Executioner gets all-expense-paid Hajj to Mecca.

Who are expelled students?
–– Generally fuck-ups.

Did Jesus really have a brother?
–– Or a twin imaginary friend?

Talking Barbie is too 'creepy' for some parents
–– Whereas Whispering Barbie 'strangely alluring.'

Rare 475-pound sea turtle rescued
–– Intervention at Olive Garden’s Never Ending Pasta Bowl.

Report: Drunk Secret Service agents crash into WH barrier
–– ‘Hey, we avoided hitting Bo.’

Nemtsov suspect withdraws confession
–– From anal cavity where Putin aides placed it.

Ferguson police chief resigns, gets one year of pay
–– Will invest in OU's Sigma Alpha Epsilon Defense Fund.

Republicans plot in chocolate heaven
–– In latest slang for gay orgy.

Brian Williams: "Very Few People Like Him”
–– Williams' publicist: 'We always said he was one-of-a-kind.'

David Beckham And Victoria Beckham's Children Most Mannerable Kids In Hollywood
–– Did autocorrect replace 'miserable'?

Teammate says Jay Cutler can be Brady/Manning/Rodgers good
–– Like Wayne/Chelsea/Roy.

Merkel won't attend Moscow WWII Victory Day parade
–– To throw Stalingrad Seige Day celebration instead.

Germany rejects Greek demands for World War Two reparations
–– Desperate Greeks also sue Assyrians.

Neil Patrick Harris’ Twins Are Turning Fierce and Fashionable
–– Fitted with designer muzzles.

Marvin Gaye Family Reacts to 'Blurred Lines' Verdict
–– Snort sharp lines.

George And Amal Cloney Are A Vision In NYC
–– A sight for sewer eyes.

Dad Transforms Himself Into Kim Kardashian With Just Makeup
–– And a lobotomy.

Elizabeth Hurley Says High Grant Is ‘Annoying.’ ‘Grumpy’ — But a ’10’ in Bed
–– Using the metric system.

Swift’s Legs $1.2M Per Inch?
–– Her larynx 1.2¢ per inch.

’Revis Island' Making a Return to the Jets
–– Who are shipwrecked.

Kanye West: Having a Black Baby Is Hard
–– ‘I tried.’

Dunkin’ Donuts to remove titanium dioxide from donuts
–– Will quadruple amount in new Xtra Crunchy Munchkins.

Is your kid a narcissist? It's your fault
–– I know it’s all about me!

GOPers write to Iran leaders
–– Fan mail.

Scarlett Johansson's New Band Hit With Cease-and-Desist
–– If only her acting career would be.

Canine competitor 'poisoned' at Crufts: Investigation after dog dies
–– McGruff on case.

Frat closed over racist chant
–– To reopen as Crackerbarrel.

Tim Tebow thinking comeback?
–– To thousands of putdowns.

ISIS hacks small biz websites?
–– Better than human beings.

Tourists arrested at Colosseum
–– For feeding the lions.

Lindsey Graham: I've never sent an email
–– Just valentines to lobbyists.

NFL running back shot in arm
–– For his team?

Obama: 'March is not yet finished’
–– On March 7th.

Harry Hamlin Talks Kim Richards' RHOBH Accusations: "Maybe Someone Will Tell Me" What I Did!
–– “It’s the blackouts!”

Sean Penn Has 'No Apologies' for Green Card Joke at Oscars
–– How about The Gunman?

Harrison Ford ‘Saved Several Lives’ by Avoiding Crashing Into Suburbs
–– Which he endangered in first place.

Week of 03/06/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Benjamin Netanyahu vs. President Obama on the most important measure of all: Standing ovations
–– Bibi gets standing Oy!

Monica Lewinsky to give TED Talk
–– Followed by T&A.

Iran blinds man in 'eye for an eye' justice
–– Celebrate with rain dance and ritual animal sacrifice.

Why am I paying $10 for juice!?
–– Because milking chupacabras isn't cheap.

TSA finds dog in checked luggage
–– In doggie bag.

Alaska Republican's solution for homelessness: Wolves
–– Same as lower 48's for Palins.

NASA: Mars may have had an ocean comparable to Earth's Atlantic
–– Where CNN searched for MH370.

Diamondbacks to Offer 1,117-Calorie 'Churro Dog' at Concession Stands in 2015
–– Grilled version of deep-fried Mexican Hairless available for diet-conscious.

Is your penis size 'normal'?
–– Is it ‘normal’ to be nicknamed ‘tripod?’

USA Today Columnist Warns That Gay Marriage Is A Sign Of The 'End Times’
–– In saddest unintentional pun ever.

Foo Fighters Pause Mid-Show To Fulfill Blind Fan's Request
–– That they, please God, just stop playing.

Julie Andrews admits the loss of her husband still hits her 'in the middle of your gut’
–– If you wondered what that pain in your stomach was.

Mets’ Daniel Murphy says he disagrees with gay 'lifestyle'
–– Making yet another error.

Prince Played Junior High School Basketball and His Player Photo Is Legendary
–– With Little Tikes TotSports Easy Score Basketball Set.

–– Many think it was a huge waste.

Bob Odenkirk Laments 'SNL' Stints: "I Was a Dick" to Lorne Michaels
–– 'Which is why he yanked me.'

Chris Rock Slams Jackie Robinson Biopic '42': "It Was a Piece of Shit"
–– 'Like something I would've starred in.'

Inventor of K-Cups regrets the idea
–– Because it encourages extreme breast augmentation.

Sony’s Amy Pascal Delays Office Move Due to Seth Rogen Pot Stench
–– But can they get out The Interview stink?

Graham apologizes for Pelosi 'surgeries' comment
–– ‘I was just jealous of her brow lift.’

Ben Carson: Prison proves being gay is a choice
–– You can choose which end to get stabbed.

Paul Allen: I found a battleship
–– In my bathtub!

Putin condemns opposition leader's killing, says may be contract killing
–– ‘If I remember correctly.’

Georgia woman's execution postponed because drugs appeared ‘cloudy'
–– Like her future.

Five things you didn't know about Jesus
–– 3. Dude liked being called Jeezy.

Barack Obama: 'I loved Spock’
–– In new tell-all memoir.

Opinion: Wearables will explode after Apple Watch debut
–– In the 007 collection.

Man claims exploding iPhone left him with severe leg burns
–– Designed by Q branch.

China tops U.S. at the box office for first time
–– Jackie Chan's agent breaks out rice wine.

Boko Haram posts video purporting to show beheadings of two men
–– In remake of ISIS hit.

Clinton had no official State Dept. email address
–– World leaders contacted her at slamminpantsuit@hotmail.

James Harden Earns Flagrant Foul After Kick to leBron James’ Groin
–– James softened.

TV exec: Give Sharpton '$50K and a bucket of chicken’
–– Apologizes for not working in loose shoes and watermelon references.

Netanyahu: D.C. trip is ‘crucial'
–– In alienating progressives from Israel.

ISIS-Bound British Schoolgirls Spotted Waiting for Bus in Turkey
–– Express to Hell.

Khloe Kardashian Shares Super Skinny Selfie: 'People Love to Call Me the Fat One'
–– Mostly around the head.

Top conservative says Boehner's job is safe
–– In fact, he's earned bonus pork.

‘Duck Dynasty' star: STDs are revenge of the hippies
–– Critics call for VD tests of ducks.

What has Taco Bell done to Cap'n Crunch?
–– Chihuahua needs to be surgically removed from skipper.

Lisa Vanderpump to speak at UN Ebola concert
–– Surgical face masks recommended.

Michelle Rodriguez: Minority Actors Should "Stop Stealing" White Superheroes
–– Because cops might shoot them.

‘Jihadi John' suspect took anger management classes, says teacher
–– Ruining plot of upcoming episode of Charley Sheen sitcom.

'Jihadi John' Mohammed Emwazi was 'never the same' after suffering brain injury
–– Novel explanation for ISIS.

'Jihadi John' or the boy next door? Who Mohammed Emwazi used to be
–– If you lived next to the Mansons.

13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 2014 2013