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Week of 02/27/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Pirates Call It Sickening to See 'Jihadi John' in Team Hat

–– Better on him than his victims.

Catwoman comes out as bisexual
–– Your pussy joke here.

Jennifer Lawrence has on-set ‘meltdown’
Leaves pool of eyeliner and lip gloss.

The 'gentle, kind' Jihadi John, a 'beautiful young man'
Who 'never lost his head.'

Lionfish stalked and devoured by grouper in shocking video
Keith Richards: "'At almost 'appened to me!"

Kanye West Cries Over Friend's Death in Interview, Says He "Tries As Many Times a Day as I Can" to Give North a Sibling
–– "But I can barely afford Kim's rates."

WATCH: Toddler Allegedly 'Pulled' To The Ground By Strange Force
–– Baby, parents, never heard of gravity.

Stephen Hawking Thinks These 3 Things Could Destroy Humanity
–– Kim, Khloé , Kourtney.

Black Madam: Amber Rose hired me to plump her posterior
'I took a look at Wiz Khalifa and said you got a big enough ass.'

Critic of Putin Is Fatally Shot in Central Moscow
–– Right between the onion domes.

German Who Posed as Hitler Returns to Position in Anti-Immigrant Group Pegida
–– Sick Heil.

For Leonard Nimoy, Spock’s Hold Made Reaching Escape Velocity Futile
–– Vulcan death grip on career.

Remember Leonard Nimoy with "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins," his greatest musical moment
–– Because what better tribute than mockery?

Police: Knights Templar cartel boss nabbed
–– Nearly escaped on noble steed.

ISIS militant 'Jihadi John' identified, U.S. officials say
–– Why he was nicknamed for shithouse not explained.

Scan reveals 1,000-year-old mummified monk hidden in statue
–– Using Monastic Resonance Imaging.

South Korea legalizes adultery
–– In knockoff of U.S. law.

Republican falls over during legal pot debate
–– Was that toasted.

Did Scott Walker compare protesters to ISIS?
–– Clarifies position: unions more like SS.

1,000-pound woman loses over 800 pounds
–– In Chipotle bathroom.

Bill O'Reilly now scrutinized for story of murdered nuns
–– In not-quite-bestseller Killing Nuns.

For sale: Boston snow, starting at $19.99
–– $9.99 if a Boston Terrier got to it first.

Boko Haram + ISIS = Marriage from Hell
–– Met on IDate.

Lady Gaga joins 'Horror Story'
–– By waking up.

Octopus leaps out of water, grabs crab
–– Has 7 tentacles free to high-five fans.

Walker leads in early Iowa poll
–– Walker used to help voters to voting machine.

007 production moves to Rome with oldest Bond girl, Bellucci
–– Playing Pussy Mature.

This Billionaire's Soon-to-Be Ex-Wife Wants $1 Million a Month in Alimony
–– To raise entire first grade of Chicago public schools.

Founder of Bikram Yoga Accused of Raping Students
–– Should’ve been wary of Doggie on Knees Pose.

Moscow lying 'to my face,' says Kerry
–– But face too botoxed to respond.

In surprise result, Chicago's Mayor Emanuel faces election run-off
–– In latest Rahmcom.

You can finally fight Sauron in Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor
–– Just don’t let it get to be a Hobbit.

Taya Kyle Represents Late Husband at the Oscars
–– Gets him two-picture deal.

Jamie Dornan leaves 'Fifty Shades of Grey' behind
–– In gay version.

Could New Zealand company's IPO finally bring us jetpacks?
–– Kiwis stoked.

Alaska is latest state to legalize marijuana use
–– No longer need medical excuse like Palinosis.

Georgia to execute its 1st female prisoner in 70 years
–– State: ‘Who says we ain’t fer equal opportunittity.’

Tensions set to rise on Korean peninsula as annual war games near
–– Kim Jong Un already wearing camo paintball coveralls.

Bill O'Reilly tries to end Falklands controversy: 'I want to stop this now'
–– ‘So I can get back to making shit up.’

Emma Stone Has an Oscars Wardrobe Malfunction, Accidentally Flashes Her Crotch on the Red Carpet
–– Paps take ginger snaps.

Kanye West, Rihanna Set First Joint Show
–– To share doobie.

Eddie Redmayne Reveals His Famous Former Roommate: Jamie Dornan
–– Claims he was dom.

Honda CEO steps down
–– Cites Civic pride.

Pyongyang bans foreign runners from marathon
–– So they can reduce race for stumpy locals to 2.6 miles.

4 ways you can beat Disney's price hike
–– 4. Blackmail Scrooge McDuck, 3. Hold Huey, Dewey, or Louie for ransom, 2. Sell sexual favors to Snow White, 1. Roll Goofy.

Meet the Unknown QB Flying Up Draft Boards After Stellar 2015 NFL Combine
–– Buzz Lightyear.

Men support women's rights in Turkey... by wearing miniskirts
–– Can almost see their wattles.

Nicolas Cage Joins Oliver Stone’s ‘Snowden’
–– As leak.

Al-Shabaab threatens malls, including some in U.S.; FBI downplays threat
–– CNN hypes it mercilessly.

U.S. staged mock mall attacks
–– On Black Friday –– no one noticed.

Rami, the pit bull-dachshund mix, becomes an ‘ambassador'
–– To Islamic State.

CBS staffers dispute Bill O'Reilly's 'war zone' story
–– O’Reilly yowls: “What, ya gonna trust newsmen?!”

Rudy Giuliani: I Received Death Threats In Wake Of Obama Comments
–– From Reince Priebus.

Week of 02/20/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Giuliani: Obama Had a White Mother, So I’m Not a Racist
–– But I'm still a dickwad.

How ISIS makes millions
–– Telemarketing.

Cocaine Snorting Oscar Statue Removed From Hollywood Boulevard
–– After cocaine mysteriously disappeared.

Kelly Ripa Thinks Husband Mark Consuelos Has Narcolepsy, Admits to Stalking Madonna
Or maybe she puts him to sleep.

The Phone Call No Parent Wants To Get
–– 'This is Justin Bieber, I'm here with your daughter…'

Golden Corral Restaurant 'Beyond Embarrassed' After Breastfeeding Run-In
–– Admits breaded chicken breast 'nearly raw.'

Dentist charged in death of patient getting 20 teeth pulled
–– Bites dust.

Mother Jones calls for Fox apology over Bill O'Reilly 'kill zone' comment
–– Where O'Reilly claimed to be during Falklands War.

Fire breaks out at luxury Dubai skyscraper
–– Noonday sun makes penthouse spontaneously combust.

Life-destroying 'spice' drug engulfs Russia
–– Putin owns patent.

12 True Facts About Drew Carey That Will Blow Your Mind
–– 12. You cared enough to read this far.

Mark calendar for Mosul assault
–– To remember to wish Iraqi government forces Mosul T’ov.

Kim Jong Un debuts new hairdo
–– 10 years hard labor if you giggle.

Brian Williams quits Medal of Honor foundation
–– Says he won’t return the three he earned.

Walmart raises pay to $9/hour
–– And stuffs $5-worth of food stamps in pay envelope.

Texas allows 1 gay marriage
–– Posthumously: Roy Rodgers and Trigger.

Mo’Nique: I Was "Blackballed" After Winning My Oscar
–– “And, child, I loved it!”

Mike Epps -- Pete Carroll Screwed Marshawn Lynch
–– Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Vast Bed of Metal Balls Found in Deep Sea
–– Experts link to shipwreck of pachinko-playing pirates.

5 Underwear Questions You’re Too Embarrassed To Ask (But We’re Not!)
–– 3. Did you sit on a chocolate bar?

What Albert Einstein said on his deathbed sheds light on his incredible work ethic
–– Rejected bereavement leave.

America’s latest indulgence? Bacon-wrapped pizza
–– And sausage-stuft arteries.

Vanilla Ice Charged in Burglary Near TV Show Location
–– In last, desperate bid for street cred.

Nestlé says it is dropping artificial flavor and color from chocolate bars
–– Will sell empty candy wrappers.

Miss P, a 15-inch beagle, wins top prize at Westminster Dog Show
–– Judge: Couldn’t miss pee.

Man gets mugged, becomes a genius
–– Has brilliant idea not to wear manny pack anymore.

’Rat tribe' living in Beijing's underground city
–– In weird homage to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Fans to black man: 'We're racist and we like it’
–– Limbaugh fans.

Facebook now lets you post when you're dead
–– But discourages selfies.

Patty Hearst's dog nabs early win at Westminster
–– At gunpoint.

5 myths (and one surprising fact) about Lent
–– 5. Jesus.

Rolls-Royce is making an SUV
–– Because that asshole felt he wasn’t hogging enough of road.

Yankees broadcaster calls A-Rod 'impossible to dislike'
–– 'Unless you know him.'

Kim and Kanye Look Eerie With Blue Contacts
–– As opposed to usual creepy.

Phil Robertson to Receive Free-Speech Award at CPAC From Citizens United
–– In the form of a duck whistle and CPAP.

‘Game of Thrones’ Season 5 Will Kill Off Characters Still Alive in the Books
–– And a few from Girls.

Lesley Gore, of 'It's My Party' fame, is dead at 68
–– Sang ‘I’ll die if I want to.’

Plane turns back after scorpion stings woman
–– Flight attendant: ‘She did order a stinger.’

Jack White Fed Up with Media, Guacamole ‘Click Bait'
–– Has chip on shoulder.

’Nutella founder dies
–– Remains to be spread over toast.

Fifty Shades of Grey’ whips up stunning $81.7 million
–– Was bound to happen. Showed no restraint. Couldn't be tied down. Handcuffed the competition. Was flogged in the media.

Drive-In Showing 'Fifty Shades' Next to 'SpongeBob' Movie
–– Hard to tell which is more punishing.

Bob Dylan: ‘Critics Say I Can’t Sing. I Croak. Sound Like a Frog.’
–– Frogs pissed.

The Reason North West Cried At The Alexander Wang Show Is Revealed! You'll Never Guess Why!
–– Thought it was Vera Wang Show!

Even Nicki Minaj Can’t Stop North West From Crying Again at NYFW
–– Baby rejects breasts: different surgeon than mom’s.

Risk of American 'megadroughts' for decades, NASA warns
–– Agency's idea of dry humor.

Boston has its snowiest month on record
–– Reads NASA 'megadrought' story with air of bemusement.

Fox News Host Blasts Obama For Using 'YOLO' In Wake Of Kayla Mueller's Death
–– Advocates passage of Too Soon law.

Burlesque legends have still got it
–– The clap.

Actor Gary Busey hits pedestrian in Malibu parking lot, authorities say
–– Complains to attendant about speed bump.

Week of 02/13/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Ginsburg: 'I Wasn't 100 Percent Sober' For State Of The Union Address
Obama: 'No, I really said those things.'

2 models wear same dress to gala
Honoring conjoined twins.

Jon Stewart Reflects on Departure Reaction: 'Did I Die?'
–– Repeatedly.

Madonna Dings Fifty Shades of Grey as Not Very Sexy, Only for Virgins
Threatens to take upskirt selfie: 'I'll show you fifty shades of grey.'

Halle Berry: Plastic Surgery Is Pushed "Like Crack" in Hollywood, Pressure Is Constant
–– Had crack done.

Uma Thurman talks 'The Slap,' responds to 'new face' speculation
–– Like 'slap in face.'

North Korea: 'Country of mushrooms'?
–– Not worst description of Kims.

Janet Jackson Steps Out for First Time in Nearly Four Months
Finished binge-watching SpongeBob.

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello Find Surrogate to Carry Baby
–– They kidnapped.

ISIS Is Starting to Sound a Little Defensive About Burning the Jordanian Pilot
–– Baghdadi: 'No, like, any self-respecting jihadist would've done that. It was genius, really. Everyone said so.'

Banker Literally Applauds Elizabeth Warren At Senate Hearing
–– Clapped in ASL.

'SNL' at 40: Bob Odenkirk Recalls the Time He Confused Steven Seagal
–– Said 'hello.'

Crude oil plunges further after release of US inventory data
–– One of Grandma Moses' sloppier paintings.

What Marilyn Monroe Ate For Breakfast
Cup of Joe.

The Absence of Color in Frozen
Where were African-Scandinavians?

"Fifty Shades" is risible, but Johnson as Ana is winsome
–– You winsome you lose some.

Uma Thurman on the Today Show: Back in Her Usual Makeup, She Responds to This Week's Headlines
Commenters return to pointless lives.

With a celebrity front row, Kanye West rolls out Yeezy shoes
For yeastier feet!

Police: Whitney Houston's Daughter Was in Traffic Wreck
–– Her life.

Watch the 'Fifty Shades'-Inspired Lube Ad Playing in Theaters
–– It's for slip knots.

Saudi Historian Says US Women Drive Because They Don't Care If They're Raped
Notes stick shifts in Saudi cars historically 'lewd.'

Pilots fail engine failure test
–– Double negative means engine OK?

Amanda Knox engaged?
–– Charlie Manson's ex set to switch teams.

Lingerie models, astronauts have THIS in common
–– Zero gravity.

White House omits Jews as ISIS targets in war proposal
–– Deemed inclusion ‘redundant.’

‘The Hobbit’ Trilogy Grossed Almost $3 Billion And No One Cared
–– But the Bagginses are loving residuals.

This 1922 NY Times article on Hitler said his anti-Semitism wasn’t “genuine”
–– Dared him to “prove it.”

Dale Earnhardt Jr. said he resists marriage because of jewelry phobia
–– He’s afraid of those pendulous orbs hanging on women’s chests.

Pregnant Kate Middleton Plays the Ukelele on Private Visit to Children’s Hospital: Details!
–– Makes kids want to p’uke.

President Obama really really really hates Maureen Dowd
–– She really really really returns favor.

Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Understand Winter
–– Asks it to talk slower.

Rob Kardashian Calls Himself Fat, Posts Shirtless Throwback Photos for "Motivation"
–– And stupid, posts quotes of sisters for 'inspiration.’

U.S. Little League champs lose title for using ineligible players
–– A-Rod and Manny Ramirez claim they were just ‘coaching.’

Obama: Axelrod 'mixing up' gay marriage stance
–– Was always pushing from behind.

Joni Mitchell: I felt like a black man
–– After I had Latino.

Do we really need another 'Spider-Man'?
–– Not sure, but an article that asks the question is indispensable.

Neil Armstrong kept all these in his closet
–– Little green, gay men.

Former IMF chief Strauss-Kahn testifies on pimping charges
–– ‘We did refer to rich nations as client states, but never actually called poor ones whores.’

Former IMF chief Strauss-Kahn admits his approach to sex is 'rougher' than most
–– 'Other 'lenders' usually let clients kneel on pillow before taking 'austerity budget' from behind.'

Your Samsung TV is listening to your private conversations
–– And translating them into broken Korean.

Netflix is now available in Cuba
–– Next step in strategy to dismantle communist system.

It Seems The Walking Dead's Emily Kinney Has Joined The Flash As The 'Bug-Eyed Bandit'
–– Set to kidnap Emma Stone.

A-Rod to Barry Bonds: I want your record
–– For hits of steroids.

Obama on national security: 'I get a thick book full of death'
–– ‘And that’s just from the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.’

Brazil prison escape follows seduction
–– Brazil nuts exposed.

NBC probes Williams' Katrina reporting
–– ‘Finger in levee story’ in doubt.

Brian Williams won't keep his date with David Letterman
–– Says he has to fly bombing mission over Iraq.

North Korea flaunts its 'cutting-edge' missiles
–– Cut out with scissors from construction paper.

HSBC helped conceal $100 billion in Swiss accounts - report
–– Hidden under Nazi gold.

Why Chinese moms want American babies
–– New hot pot recipe.

Grammys: Kanye West Rails Against Beck, Explains Stage Rush, Bashes Show
–– Rants leather jogging pants his idea. Again.

Celebrity Apprentice Sneak Peek: The Final Three Face a Surprise Elimination
–– For a change, Donald Jr. shits on them.

Orange Is the New Black's Lea DeLaria Engaged to Girlfriend Chelsea Fairless: Wedding Will Be "Total S--t Show"
–– ‘Like our series.’

Colombia's FARC rebels invite Miss Universe to attend peace talks
–– Ask if she’d like good FARC.

Hey, hey, hey. Mel Brooks hints at a 'Spaceballs' sequel
–– Can’t be lamer than upcoming Star Wars sequel.

Harvard tells professors: No more sex with undergrads
–– Or TA T&A.

Couple cancels wedding, gives back instead
–– Cuz baby’s got back.

Florida woman gives birth to 14.1-pound baby boy
–– At manatee preserve.

Mexico: 60 abandoned bodies found in Acapulco
–– With beautiful tans.

Had enough snow Boston? Here's some more
–– You don’t look so bad.

Tom Cruise, Stephen Hawking Invited to BAFTAs
–– Out of 'respect', Cruise will attend as Ron Kovac.

Week of 02/06/15

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

NBC’s Brian Williams recants Iraq attack story
–– Admits it was actually Big Mac attack.

Pope: Spanking children OK
–– Especially if they're about to rat out priest.

Jerry Rice Admits to Using Illegal 'Stickum' on Gloves During Career
–– And Super Glue on jock strap.

This Is Where Gwyneth Paltrow Steams Her Vagina
–– 5:39 of behind-the-scenes featurette on Iron Man 3 DVD.

Parents shot by their toddler charged with child abuse
–– Hurt his feelings when they dodged bullets.

Seahawks Fan's Obituary Claims a 'Lousy Play Call' Caused His Death
–– Grim Reaper signalled '6 foot and deep.'

Police: 6-year-old boy 'kidnapped' for being too nice to strangers
–– Pistol-whipped for clearing dishes from table.

'Fifty Shades of Grey' Author Overruled Director's Preferred Ending
–– Like masseuse, preferred happy one.

Amy Pascal Steps Down as Head of Sony’s Film Business
–– Kim Jong-il offers her position as IT Security Manager.

Where a box of condoms costs $755
–– Dispenser in Sultan of Brunei's private bathroom.

Jeter’s girlfriend on SI swimsuit cover
–– Almost get to see her trimmed infield.

Katy Perry sics lawyers on Left Shark vendor
–– And Whipped Cream Squirting Bra manufacturer.

Is the ‘old man’ haircut the solution for misbehaving kids?
–– Or is ‘old man’ fondling more effective?

911 operator tells caller to 'stop whining'
–– 'I can barely hear victims screaming in background.'

Malaysia bans ’50 Shades of Grey’, calling it ‘sadistic’
–– Towards audience.

Feds say marijuana has no medical value. Obama's new surgeon general seems to disagree.
–– Tells POTUS: ‘No way, dude, cuz, like, it does!’

“F***ing peasants”: Conrad Hilton arrested for assaulting flight attendants in an epic air rage tantrum
–– Trying to outbitch older sister.

North Korea Warns US of ‘Disastrous Final Doom”
–– NHK’s first video game, formatted for Sony PlayStation 1.

Medical pot vending machine debuts in Seattle
–– With 2 slots for pot, 10 filled with munchies.

Pentagon 2008 study claims Putin has Asperger’s syndrome
–– ‘Not that we want to cast Asperger’s.’

Anderson Silva Breaks Silence on Testing Positive for Steroids
–– In voice two octves too low to register on microphones.

Superfan Has Nose Cut Off to Look Like Red Skull
–– Face feels spited.

Wiz Khalifa Goes Off on Twitter Rant Over Ex Amber Rose, Calls Her "Foul Creature," Says "No Thanks" to Getting Back Together
–– Well, how do you keep that badonkadonk clean?

Vivica A. Fox Pushes the Envelope in Nipple-Baring Red Carpet Gown: Wardrobe Malfunction or Fashion Choice?
–– Or brownie points?

Andy Cohen Is Unhappy With the Treatment of Gay Men on Real Housewives
–– Then they should climb off of them.

Network TV Ate My Life: Eddies Huang on How His Memoir Became a Sitcom
–– And it tasted like a bland, yet pretentious bao.

The Mountain from ‘Game of Thrones’ Breaks 1,000-Year-Old Weightlifting Record
–– Moves mole hill.

Past Bush immigration remarks shock conservatives
–– Because anyone remembered them.

Russian lesbians take selfie with anti-gay lawmaker
–– In Yakov Smirnoff’s latest pitch to networks.

Armstrong’s longtime girlfriend lied to the cops after he struck parked vehicles, police say
–– She can’t quit dope, either.

Amazon opens its first store
–– Staffed entirely by drones.

New photos of Fidel Castro appear on Cuban media
–– Little Fidel peeking out of baggy PJs.

Rand Paul links vaccines to ‘profound mental disorders’
–– Shows track marks on his arm.

UK lawmakers approve ‘3-parent babies’ law
–– Fetuses: ‘Oh great, more psychiatrists’ bills.’

Harper Lee to publish new book, sequel to ‘Mockingbird’
–– Entitled The Hunger Games: Mockingbird Part 2.

NYSE suspends trading of RadioShack
–– Prepares to take it out back and shoot.

Women try the veil on World Hijab Day
–– Big improvement in many cases.

McDonald’s Won't Try to Stop Michael Keaton's Unflattering Biopic
–– Krocman or The Unexpected Virtue of the Public’s Ignorance.

China executes cult members guilty of McDonald's murder
–– McBurglar: ‘I feel exonerated.’

‘Selma’ Star David Oyelowo Accuses Academy of Favoring "Subservient" Black Roles
–– Oscar asks him to fetch mint julep.

Sly Stone awarded $5 million in back royalties, damages
–– Dope dealers break out bubbly.

10 facts about Puppy Bowl as it enters its second decade
–– 8. That brown prolate spheroid in end zone isn't the ball.

Why I choose non-monogamy
–– Pussy.

Are smart drugs driving Silicon Valley?
–– And dumb ones their customers?

Pilot locked out of cockpit mid-flight
–– Drunkenly dropped keys down toilet.

Measles cases in California soar
–– Doctor: ‘Because you can’t inoculate against stupidity.’

Body parts found in police room
–– Mostly long arms of law.

Huckabee: Homosexuality like drinking, swearing
–– ‘Except talking about those don’t give me a hard-on.’

2.1M cars recalled for crash sensors
–– Drivers first sensed them.

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