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Week of 12/26/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em .

Putin nixes ministers’ vacations
–– Instead sends them to Santa's Siberian Workshop.

North Korea compares Obama to a monkey
–– Probably just jealous of opposable thumbs.

Sam: 'A lot' of gay men in NFL
–– 'I hope.'

The ISIS caliphate is already crumbling
–– Even before New Year's celebration where they drop head from tallest minaret.

Jolie, Pitt Allow Daughter to Dress Like a Boy, Call Her 'John'
–– Make her use men's room.

Egypt Bans Ridley Scott’s ‘Exodus’ Over ‘Historical Inaccuracies’
And 'General Lousiness.'

Russia imposes rationing in token gesture
In Soviet era-inspired Throwback Thursday.

Patrick Stewart's weird holiday video
–– Xmas: Days of Future Past.

The 14 Absolute Best Things About Dating a Short Guy
–– 11. Always have convenient place to put drink.

Rush Limbaugh Admits He’s Racist After Idris Elba Remark
–– Ending decades of speculation.

Marshawn Lynch gets hefty fine for crotch grab
–– Pays hand over fist.

Jack Daniels Names Son Jim Beam
–– Dad toasts 'little nipper.'

Plane Passenger Tossed after Flipping Out Over Staff’s ‘Merry Christmas’
–– Auld Lang Syne sends him to psych ward.

GOP moves early to court conservative Christians
–– With a bible, carbonated grape juice, pink carnations and roofies.

Eggnog chugging sends him to ICU
–– And gives him spare tire.

ISIS governor of Mosul killed in coalition airstrikes
–– Staff mulls resurrection campaign.

‘Patriotic duty’ to see ‘Interview’?
–– Most would prefer tour in Fallujah.

Son says wrestler dad attacked him
–– Dad: Tongan Death Grip ‘playful.’

500 carolers sing for sick teen
–– Make him sicker.

Are shared death experiences real?
–– Just shoot me!

Giuliani: Racism in NYPD lie
–– Swears with fingers crossed.

Dennis Rodman on 'The Interview': Watch my movie instead
–– Dennis 'n' the Menace.

Arrest warrant sought in nut scandal
–– Authorities consider it testis case.

Politician pelted with fries and mayonnaise
–– Gov. Christie says ‘thanks.’

Al Sharpton Says His Meeting With Amy Pascal Was "Blunt and Pointed”
–– “Like my head.”

First gorilla born in captivity turns 58
–– Applies for parole.

Little girls stunned by Santa's act
–– Brings them tasers for Christmas.

US economy grows incredible 5%
–– Democrats lose 5 more House seats.

Congressman Grimm to plead guilty
–– Tale of little-read rightwing hood.

Defense attorney: Giuliani is an 'idiot'
–– Only morally.

Two-hour execution followed correct protocol, says independent report
–– Pronounce punishment “Capital!”

Jackie Chan’s Son Formally Charged With Drug Offenses
–– Wears suit from father’s The Tuxedo.

Victoria’s Secret, Wal-Mart Caught Selling Used Underwear
–– Perverts line up on Brown Friday.

Spain hands out $3B in planet's biggest lottery
–– Then waits in dark alley with blackjack.

Beth Holloway: Joran Van Der Sloot Tried To 'Sell Me Natalee's Remains'
–– In installments.

Mathematicians Make a Major Discovery About Prime Numbers
–– Easier to get than phone numbers.

Angelina Jolie Calls Marriage to Brad Pitt "Hard Work"
–– “It’s the Pitts.”

UFO Spotted In Apollo 15 NASA Moon Mission Photo From 44 Years Ago — Apollo 12 Also
–– From Planet PhotoShop.

Cuban spy's ultimate mystery: How he got his wife pregnant from a U.S. prison
–– United Parcel Cervix.

North Korea Reportedly Suffering Internet Outages
–– Radio Shack TRS-80 server overwhelmed.

Another blackout for Dish customers, this time Fox News
–– A noted cause of unconsciousness.

Pope Francis attacks 'diseases' of Vatican in Curia address
–– Mostly chlamydia.

Protesters’ chants of 'Black Lives Matter' echo at megamall; at least 20 arrested
–– Merchants: ‘Black Cards Matter.’

See iconic football stadium implode
–– As Jets play final home game.

Dave Chappelle Says He Was Choked by a Police Officer in New Orleans
–– Typical reaction of paying customers.

Watch Dr. Evil mock Sony Pictures and North Korea on SNL
–– Angry Kim burns Austin Powers DVD collection.

Fans Struck by Lightning Outside Stadium Following Packers vs. Buccaneers
–– Tampa’s hockey team waited in parking lot.

Obama: Putin is no chess master
–– Cites checkered past.

Elton John, David Furnish get married
–– Honeymoon suite comes with fully-Furnished John.

Ray Rice, fiancée nuzzled after punch?
–– Or was it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

ISIS repulsed; refugee corridor open
–– And it takes a lot to disgust ISIS.

Behold, atheists' new Ten Commandments
–– Thou shalt not care.

Real life castaway spotted on an island
–– Writing ‘Buzz Off’ in sand.

Epic holiday office cubicle will amaze you
–– With reindeer antler letter tray, red and green paper clips, nude elves calendar.

Authorities: Man used investor funds to cryogenically freeze wife
–– Cold hard cash.

Week of 12/19/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Rand Paul and Marco Rubio wage Twitter battle on Cuba
–– A perfect pair of twits.

How Rapper Rick Ross lost 85 Pounds
–– Removed bling.

Obama: Sony 'Made A Mistake' By Canceling The Release Of 'The Interview'
–– Compounding mistake of greenlighting a Seth Rogen film in first place.

Panel to Advise Against Penalty for C.I.A.’s Computer Search
'They were just practicing to hack North Koreans.'

Fact check: Is Cuba a 'leading' sponsor of terrorism?
–– Not unles you count sleeprs like Ted Cruz.

Lifting the Embargo Means Cuba Can No Longer Play Victim
–– Fidel Castro: "Can we still play dead?"

David Schwimmer Cast As Robert Kardashian In FX’s ‘American Crime Story’
–– Nicki Minaj to play young Kim's ass.

Sony's Michael Lynton Defends Studio: "We Have Not Caved”
–– "Although we are currently hiding in one."

Stephen Collins Tells Katie Couric: "I Didn't Want to Have to Deal with These Things Publicly”
–– "Or pubicly."

Twist and shout: NASA prints 3-D wrench in space
–– Unfortunately, on 70lb bond paper.

Potential black rhino hunter still waiting for permit
–– Already renewed asshole license.

Justin Bieber just lost 3.5 million Instagram followers
–– They simultaneously hit puberty.

Chrysler recall jumps to 3.3 million
–– Justin Bieber feels a little better.

Bobby Shmurda, Rap Artist, Is Arrested in Manhattan
–– Yes, on Shmurda charges.

Kris Jenner, Bruce Jenner Finalize Divorce Less Than Three Months After Filing: Report
–– Judge hurried before it became same sex proceeding.

What deluges? 11 trillion gallons of rain still needed to end California drought
–– Residents feared 'delugional.'

Mars has gas; a fuzzy sign of life?
–– Bruno overshares with audience.

Atomic research site could become new national park
–– Don’t want to be there when Old Faithful blows.

J.K. Rowling Confirms Jewish Character in 'Harry Potter’
–– Lord Voldemorty.

Pakistani Terrorist Condemns Attack on School, Calls Islam ‘Religion of Peace’
–– Or, after bombing, 'Pieces.'

Clifford the Big Red Dog Creator Norman Bridwell Dies at 86
–– Buried in backyard.

Brutally Honest: Is it OK to be naked in front of your kids?
–– As long as you don't point.

Obese Dachshund Sheds 50 Pounds, Poses For Hot Dog Calendar
–– First time he’s seen weiner.

Police Chief Accused Of Driving Patrol Car Drunk, Trying To Hit Man
–– Who was, truth be told, a jaywalker.

Texas Cop Shoots His Neighbor's Dog, Gets Away With It Under Law Authorizing Vigilantism
–– Snarled at dog: 'You don't look so bad, here's another.'

‘Who is the victim?' Camille Cosby responds to allegations against her husband
–– ‘No, really, I can’t remember all the names.’

R&B singer Jeremih arrested attempting to board plane
–– Filled with musicologists.

Surgeon general confirmed despite NRA
–– They didn’t give him a shot.

Ancient pharaoh statue rises again in Egypt
–– When sphinx shakes her asp.

Are you ready for giant underwater city?
–– Visit Miami in twenty years.

Syrian wins song contest based on 'American Idol,' declines to wear flag
–– Prefers simple target on back.

Punch a Monet!
–– Show me the Monet!

New Jersey college buys Atlantic City casino for dorm, branch campus
–– Resident: ‘Craps!’

Bill Cosby Breaks Silence: I Only Expect Black Media to Remain ‘Neutral’ Amid Rape Allegations
–– First, may I offer you a glass wine?

Barbara Walters Reveals Her Most Fascinating Person of 2014 in Primetime Special
–– Retirement didn’t take, time for premature burial.

There’s No Room for Rudolph Giuliani in Bill de Blasio's New York
–– Or civilized citizens' America.

The Scary Thing One Couple Did For 365 Days Straight To Save Their Marriage
–– Scrapbooking.

Outside Groups Set Spending Record in Midterms
–– Buying half shares of politicians.

After shake-up, New Republic staffers resign en masse
–– Remaining subscriber ‘perplexed.’

‘The Newsroom’ Finale Might Look Better In Hindsight (SPOILERS)
–– In a thousand years or so.

‘Don’t Jerk And Drive' Campaign Pulled
–– Especially not with both hands.

Geno Smith Gets Punched in the Helmet, Fight Breaks Out During Jets-Titans Game
–– Fails to wake up QB.

UFO Sightings 2014: Another Spotted at Mexico Volcano
–– Performing alien sacrifice to Popocatepetl.

Leonardo DiCaprio Called ‘Despicable’ in New Sony Emails
–– All of them, in footer.

Sony Hack: Aaron Sorkin Slams Media, Channing Tatum Gloats and 5 Other Developments
–– Those are at least two Sony hacks.

OPEC isn't scared of $40 oil
–– Insists it’s oil stain on seat of pants.

Cheney on torture: 'I would do it again’
–– ‘Right now. Here, let me attach these to your nuts.’

ISIS: Enslaving, having sex with 'unbelieving' women, girls is OK
–– Though they all comment how tiny terrorists' are.

Amazon workers lose Supreme Court fight over pay
–– Jeff Bezos threatened to revoke jurors' Prime status.

Girl’s 'naughty' letter gets epic reply
–– Santa sexts ‘belly shots.’

Men get taste of childbirth in China
–– Delicious over fried rice.

Explorer reaches South Pole in tractor
–– Breaks ice on mall project.

NSA: 'Traumatic' cyber attack coming
–– We'll be there to hack your shock.

Babies born at 10:11 on 12/13/14
–– Will have at least one thing to say at parties.

Week of 12/12/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

'Should I ask him if he liked Django?': Sony Pictures Chair Amy Pascal and producer Scott Rudin mock President Obama in new set of racist emails
–– Pascal apologizes: 'I'm red-faced. And me likum Dances With Wolves.'

Scalia on torture morality: 'I don't think it's so clear at all'
–– 'Now, if you held my feet to the fire…'

Supreme Court Will Review Case About Spider-Man Toy
If Justice Thomas will stop playing with it.

Microwaving this can harm your kid
–– His head.

Bachmann ready to 'take the handcuffs off’
–– But must still wear straitjacket.

Plunging oil prices may trigger unrest
–– Agitated Putin told to 'keep his shirt on.'

Paul Revere's time capsule unearthed in Boston
–– Contains recording of '66 hit Kicks.

Hacking Keurigs for cheaper coffee
–– And phishing for used cigarette butts.

Pope Francis says ‘All animals go to heaven’
–– So you'll have to watch where you step.

Mukasey: Waterboarding is not torture
–– Did it to my kids for years.

Not lovin' it: 13 McDonald's items that existed
–– 13. McSpleen, 12. 113.398 Grammer with Cheese, 11. Mac Daddy, 10. The Whomper, 9. Kroc-o-Ribs. 8. Special Sores, 7. Francis Bacon Burger, 6. Transfatty Fries, 5. Filet-o-Flesh, 4. McFurry with Nits, 3. Egg McMerkin, 2. Sausage, Egg & Sand McGrittles, 1. Meh Meals.

Bachmann tells Obama to bomb Iran at Christmas Party
–– Just gift wrap the payload.

Kevin Hart Defends Himself After Sony Calls Him a “Whore,” Says He “Won’t Be Taken Advantage Of”
–– “‘Less you’re willing to pay.’

Geraldo Rivera: What if LeBron James wore a “Be a Better Father” shirt instead of “I Can’t Breathe”?
–– Or purported newsman wore "I'm With Stupid" shirt with arrow pointing to self?

Actor Skins, Eats Ex-Girlfriend`s Pet Rabbit Before Threatening to Do Same to Her: DA
–– Pleads with shrink: ‘What’s up, Doc?’

Supermodel Beverly Johnson: Bill Cosby Drugged Me, 'Many Are Still Afraid to Speak Up’
–– More afraid to shut up.

Scott Walker's Hanukkah Message: ‘Molotov'!
–– Had one cocktail too many.

McDonald’s attempts to explain what's in its chicken McNuggets, again
–– Calls in CSI team.

Lost sheep found in holiday sweater
–– Belonging to Bo Peep’s roommate.

Swamp Brothers Star and Partner Get Federal Prison Time for Reptile Smuggling
–– In latest slang for mutual masturbation.

Baby born on Southwest flight
–– Mother charged excess boobage fee for nursing it.

Kobe Bryant and Teammates Wear 'I Can't Breathe' Shirts Before Lakers-Kings
–– Backs read ‘Because We Stink So Bad.’

Christopher Lee Sings Heavy Metal Christmas Songs
–– Critic reaches for stake and mallet.

Nut rage spat latest stumble for Korean Air family
–– Great balls of fire!

KFC just can't give up on China
–– Where they can serve Shih tzu wings.

Delta announces five-tiered seating plan
–– #5 is in wheel well.

LeBron violates Royal protocol
–– Dribbles on Duchess of Cambridge.

Mock executions, sleep deprivation, rectal feeding
–– On new episode of Masterchef Junor.

Ben Carson stands by comparison of U.S. to Nazi Germany
–– And of Obama to Chamberlain and Hitler.

Swastikas on Hanukkah wrapping paper?
–– Ben Carson: 'See, I told you.'

T-Rex discovery turns into legal nightmare
–– Giant lizard sues over depiction in upcoming The Lost World: Jurassic Park.

The 3% down payment mortgage makes a comeback
–– Great Recession nostalgia sweeps lending institutions.

Watch Gerard Depardieu Promote "Proud to Be Russian" Watch Line
–– Highlights the extra-long, triple-wide strap that fits even booze-bloated wrists.

French Toast Crunch cereal is back
–– Dentists and laparoscopists rejoice.

South African judge throws out charges in honeymoon murder trial
–– ‘Did you see what she was wearing? Who could blame him?’

James Franco and Seth Rogen really did get 'Naked and Afraid’
–– Four dicks on one show!

Barkley, Smith have a passionate debate
–– Historic, like Lincoln vs. Dodge.

Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick Are Expecting a Boy
–– To clean up the mess they make.

Tori Spelling Talks Raising Four Kids: "I Don't Think I've Peed Alone in the Last Eight Years”
–– Due to E!’s lavcam.

Sexy Russian spy ‘tried to seduce’ Snowden
–– With vodka and World of Warcraft cheat sheet.

Volcanic eruption could destroy Japan
–– Finishing job Godzilla started.

Hugh Hefner Responds to Bill Cosby Allegations in Wake of Lawsuit: "I Would Never Tolerate This Kind of Behavior"
–– ‘Bunnies opening their mouths…to speak.’

Hagel: Unlike Iraq, Afghans 'want us here’
–– In Washington.

George W. Bush: Garner decision 'hard to understand’
–– ‘But everything’s a little hard to understand.’

Cop thought pill bottle was gun
–– After mistaking wife for hat.

George Bush picks Jeb over 'sister-in-law' Hillary in 2016
–– And 'fairy godson' Rick Perry.

Tiger vomits on course, shoots 69
–– How big cat handled rifle unknown.

Surviving 15 feet from ISIS
–– Chopped from legs.

Open wide: Anaconda eats man alive on Discovery Channel?
–– What a yawn.

Week of 12/05/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

The 7 worst things about NBC's “Peter Pan Live!”
–– 3. Walken didn't get hook.

Happy 50th, 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer'!
–– Nose red from coke-fueled celebration.

New Cosby accuser comes forward
–– Takes number.

'Sony-pocalypse': Why the Sony hack is one of the worst hacks ever
–– Because he directed both Amazing Spiderman movies.

Police helicopter finds huge swastika in bottom of pool in Brazil
–– For heil divers.

France agrees to pay $60 million to those deported during Holocaust
–– Suvivor: 'Sounds Vichy to me.'

Women on submarine filmed in shower
–– Periscope up!

'10 Things I Hate About You' star Andrew Keegan starts new religion
–– Make that 11.

World's largest white truffle could pull in $1 million
–– Price mushrooms.

This is what a Supreme Court justice sounds like when he recites violent rap lyrics
–– And adds hoodie to robes.

10 wacky U.S. restaurants
–– 10. McMansons, 9. Fluffing Nutters, 8. Crazy Ate, 7. Jim Carrey's Yum and Yummer, 6. Rat Liver Grill, 5. Skittish Meatballs, 4. Taz's Loony Tuna, 3. Mad Mex, 2. The Headcheesecake Factory, 1. The Booby Hash.

Feds blast Cleveland police
–– Acquitted in case of black officers.

Microsoft kills off Clip Art
–– Editor of church newsletter mourns.

Rolling Stone apologizes for rape story
–– Richards: 'Naw, it was Bill Cosby, not me.'

Hungary summons U.S. ambassador over McCain's 'neofascist' comment
–– Threatens to send him to work camp.

Rand Paul's surprise move on ISIS
–– Dons ski mask for floor speech.

White House stumbles explaining soap opera producer as ambassador
–– Asks press to tune in tomorrow.

The Republican Party's top priority is to raise taxes on the poor. Literally.
–– Least necessary ‘literally’. Ever.

Largest child seat recall in U.S. history
–– The one Honey Boo Boo used.

’Emergency repair' reported at Ukraine nuclear power plant
–– Homerei Simpshenko on job.

GOP, Dems rally behind Social Security benefit ban for Nazis
–– After weighing impact on skinhead vote.

Rex Ryan calls Jets’ season ‘a joke’
–– Fans not laughing.

Stephen Hawking warns AI threatens mankind
–– Or was it electronic voice that claims to be his?

Chris Rock: There'd Be Riots If People Knew What Being Rich Was Really Like
–– And people didn't spend so much time imagining what being rich was really like.

Costa Concordia captain combative, contradictory as he testifies at trial
–– Asked to abandon shit.

World’s most corrupt industries
–– 5. GOP Climatologists, 4. Drug Cartel Lawyers, 3. Somali Pirates' Health Inspectors, 2. Islamic Fundamentalists' Insurance Agents, 1. Cable TV.

Ohio Sen. Rob Portman not running for President
–– His family: ‘Who?’

Man creates bulletproof backpack for kids
–– Packing a copy of New NRA Guide to the Basics of Pistol Shooting with kevlar cover.

Gun sales boomed in November
–– Turkeys order bulletproof backpacks in record numbers.

19 ways to be a morning person
–– 16. Creme de meth triple espressos.

Prince Harry Reveals Secret On World AIDS Day, Helps Fight Stigma
–– Against air-headed, randy royals.

Janay Rice: Ray Rice was 'terrified' after hitting me
–– 'I could tell from the look of his shoes.'

Police infuriated by St. Louis Rams' players 'hands up' gesture
–– Oakland Raiders, who lost 52-0, should've put up theirs.

Iraq’s army weakened from within by 50,000 'ghost' soldiers
–– Paid for by invisible billions of US dollars.

World Cup bids corruption: 'Picasso painting offered as kickback’
–– Brokered by daughter Payola.

Finally, Girl Scout cookie sales go online
–– Pedophiles protest door-to-door.

Rodgers strides into best-ever debate
–– Over Beatles vs. Stones.

Dog takes bullet for family
–– Buries in backyard.

Colombian rebels release general held hostage for weeks
–– Specific held hostage still in custody.

NBC’s Dr. Nancy Snyderman still on the bench
–– Bench under mandatory quarantine.

Pope appeals to Orthodox Christians
–– It’s the slightly naughty red shoes.

Egypt: Ex-ruler Hosni Mubarak, accused in deaths of hundreds, cleared of charges
–– Ferguson grand jury: ‘See?’

Airline: 'Emotional support' pig kicked off flight for being disruptive
–– Scott Disick threatens to sue.

Citing security concerns, Darren Wilson resigns from Ferguson police force
–– Grateful PD’s parting gift: Get Out Of Jail Free card.

Hertha demonstrate that the Bundesliga is no match for Bayern
–– New Jabberwocky line discovered.

’Prestige’ Author Slams Christopher Nolan's 'Dark Knight' Trilogy As "Shallow" And "Badly Written”
–– Nolan: 'So you know he saw them.'

Dipping Into India, Dunkin’ Donuts Changes Menu
–– Munchkins® renamed Urchins®.

Shia LaBeouf Claims He Was Raped During His Performance Art Project #IAMSORRY -- Read His Disturbing Quotes

Kim Kardashian Gives Thanks To 'Best Friend' North
–– The only one she can understand.

Southern Democrats Urge A Return To Party Basics
–– Hoods, ropes, bourbon.

Justice Scalia Explains What Was Wrong With The Ferguson Grand Jury
–– Congressional Medal of Honor off table.

GOP Staffer Apologizes For Lecturing Obama Daughters To 'Show A Little Class’
–– By showing none.

Taliban attack Prince Harry's old base
–– Criticize squealing teenage girls.

OPEC’s message to US shale: Drop dead
–– Crude attempt at humor.

NASA stages 'Black Hole Friday’
–– Holes priced at $6 billion a pop.

GOP’s big hopes for black Republicans
–– Trying to create in Monsanto labs.

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