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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
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Week of 11/28/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

More Cosby accusers come forward
–– Described as ‘knockouts.’

Jail has wing for gay inmates
–– With gay bars.

In controversial move, Chris Christie vetoes pig crate ban
–– Ironically, pig crate is nickname for governor's limo.

DNA survives critical entry into Earth's atmosphere
–– In astronaut's shorts.

Ray Rice eligible to play after winning appeal of NFL suspension
–– Avoids stiff arm of law.

Madonna's New 'Rebel Heart' Song Leaks
Like its incontinent singer.

What Allison Williams Learned About Flying From Her Famous 'Peter Pan' Alums
Harness would give guy peter pain.

4 Polish men arrested for burglarizing and beating British academic
–– Idiots wanted to make him smart.

Marilyn Manson's Camp: He Wasn't Involved With Lana Del Rey and Eli Roth Rape Film
–– What does his being camp have to do with that?

Mickey Rourke wins boxing match at 62 after returning to the ring following dramatic transformation
–– Hopes for split decision vs. obscurity.

Swiss group to government: Ban eating of cat and dog meat
–– Unless dipped in fondue.

Protesters crowd Walmart, Target to disrupt Black Friday shopping in Ferguson
–– Against targeting blacks Friday.

Mark Sanchez Has A Fantastic Answer When Asked To Describe The Butt Fumble
–– 'You can quiz my ass.'

Australia Is Terrified That This American Snake Could Give Birth In The Wild
–– Better than in one's house.

Burger King worker's shocking find
–– Edible item on menu.

Burt Reynolds Auctioning Off Personal Items Amid Financial Struggles
–– Gross of body hair on block.

Turkish President says women not equal
–– To genius like me.

Pope Francis urges religious tolerance on rare Turkey visit
–– President Erdogan: ‘At least we agree about women.’

Shia LaBeouf's silent interview: provocative or pointless?
–– Or a relief?

Officer seizes homeless boy's flute
–– Allege piping hot.

Headbutt lands Brazilian striker Brandao in jail
–– Aka Butthead.

Will Siri be flying your airliner?
–– Siri, show me where Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 went down.

European Parliament votes for Google breakup
–– Search me.

Report: Senior role for Kim sister
–– Kourtney to head North Korea’s secret police.

Obama 'puzzled' by turkey pardon
–– Points out he's black.

Put down the doughnut: Trans fat may hurt your memory
–– What doughnut?

Meat Market: How One Ohio Butcher Moves 400 Turduckens by Mail
–– Forged papers.

NYC Real Estate Part of Millennials' Dream, Herman Says
–– Those in opium dens.

‘Burn this b---- down!' Michael Brown's stepfather criticized for reaction to grand jury decision
–– Claims not to have been referring to Don Lemon.

Passengers get out and push frozen plane in Siberia
–– 100 feet to next gulag.

Rudy Giuliani Says White Cops Are Needed To Stop Black People From Shooting Each Other
–– No one can stop him from shooting off mouth.

Is the Clinton magic gone in Arkansas?
–– Bill removed wand.

Grateful Boston man shows off his double arm transplant
–– Has to hand it to doctors.

DNA pioneer James Watson to sell Nobel Prize
–– Trump readies space on mantlepiece.

Putin's tiger the main suspect in mystery China goat deaths - Xinhua
–– Learned how to treat scapegoats from master.

Groundhog attacks, traps man in home
–– Over and over again.

’True Detective' adds McAdams, Kitsch
–– It’s all kitsch.

Russia losing $140 billion from sanctions and low oil prices
–– Trying to offset by annexing Eastern European supermodels.

Russian tourist fined $24,000 for Colosseum graffiti
–– Scrawled 'Veni, vidi, vodka.'

Why I quit JPMorgan to start a jetpack business
–– I was sick of fly-by-night schemes.

Ariana’s Brother Frankie J. Grande Looks Like A Cartoon At The 2014 American Music Awards
–– Sister Macchiato Grande chills.

Snooki Goes Retro For Her Rehearsal Dinner
–– Fiancé rehearsing escape plan.

Lindsey Graham: 'Shame on us as Republicans’
–– Party members have to look up 'shame.'

Crucial Update: This Is What Miley Cyrus Wore to Her Unicorn and Sex-Toy Themed Birthday
–– Two horns, one on her head.

Sting makes long-awaited WWE debut at Survivor Series
–– Police called in.

Women’s desire for sex is complicated, not strictly hormonal, study finds
–– Men grunt, come.

Extreme shrimp might hold clues to alien life, NASA says
–– Interviewing Prince now.

Jennifer Lopez's "Booty" Performance Was the Perfect Way to Close the 2014 American Music Awards
–– What an end!

Obama on 2016: 'I've got dings' and Americans want 'that new car smell’
–– Which is why they voted for Republican junker in 2014.

Lindsey Graham: Benghazi report 'full of crap'
–– 'Specifically, the accusations we made.’

Town Bans Winnie the Pooh for Being Half-Naked, Sexually “Dubious"
–– Mayor: ‘Don’t call me Hunny!’

Long to meet with Mets hitters in Arizona
–– We don’t.

Police recruits tested for virginity
–– Indonesia cherry picks female cops.

Federal agents arrest debt collectors in crackdown
–– Prosecutors to seek debt penalty.

Why Vladimir Putin thinks it's still 1985
–– Still hung over from Party.

Week of 11/21/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Obama seeks support for immigration plan, blasts Boehner
–– 'Send him back to Orange County.'

One Hundred Years of Funeral Dress
–– None drop-dead gorgeous.

Republican-led report debunks Benghazi theories and accusations
–– And tells own party there's no Santa.

Perino: Obama crossed the line between tyranny and democracy
As she straddles hyperbole and idiocy.

Take a Tour Through Afghanistan’s First-Ever Amusement Park
Six Frags Great Adventure.

Man's Headaches Caused By A Tapeworm Living In His Brain
–– Doctors take measures.

Giada Allegedly Stays Thin By Spitting Out All Her Food
–– Like her guests at dinner parties.

Michael Phelps' self-proclaimed 'girlfriend', 41, reveals she was born a male as she describes her 'amazing intimacy' with Olympic swimmer
–– Switched lanes as teenager.

Georgia O'Keeffe Painting Breaks Record, Sells for $44.4 Million
Buyer: 'Really goes with my IKEA Ektorp sofa.'

Kylie Jenner Gets Pulled Over By Police, Reveals Natural Lip Shape: See Her No Makeup Look
–– Accused of being bald-faced liar.

Targeted journalist: Uber's misogynistic
–– Uber mensch!

Why Your Dog Kicks His Hind Leg When You Rub His Belly
–– He can't say safe word.

Putin says Russia must prevent 'color revolution’
–– But chooses puce, just in case.

Pit bull faces fears in adorable way
–– Chews off cutest tyke’s face.

Virginia Woman to Remain Jailed Over `I Love ISIS` Facebook Pos
–– Hoped to get cell next to Charles Manson.

More held in military-led Thailand after flashing 'Hunger Games' salute
–– Others detained for plain old flipping bird.

Britain bars controversial 'pick up' coach Julien Blanc
— He doesn't come here often.

India isolates man with Ebola-infected semen
–– Inspectors: 'We have problem in hand.'

Meet the Sexy British Actress at the Center of the Viagra Commercial Controversy (Exclusive)
–– Faced stiff competition at audition.

French Photographer Creates Renaissance-Era Portraits of Marvel, DC and 'Star Wars' Characters
–– Because all rococo costumes rented.

ISIS comes to Libya
–– Former Kaddafi fans thrilled.

Report: Al Sharpton owes $4.5 million in unpaid taxes
–– Labels IRS auditors ’lynch mob.’

The ultra wealthy get $2 trillion wealthier
–– Uninsured, under-paid, part-time stringer happy to report.

Boehner hires third lawyer to sue Obama
–– Curly Joe, Esq.

Shoppers not feeling Black Friday this year
–– More in Black Sabbath mood.

Guests fined for leaving review of 'filthy, dirty rotten' hotel on TripAdvisor
–– By scoundrels.

‘Interstellar’ sound issues are deliberate, says director Nolan
–– Audiences grateful to not hear dialogue.

Kim’s former bodyguard tells of beatings, starvation in North Korean prison camp
–– As rewards for good behavior.

NBC News dismisses new executive in charge of 'Today' show
–– Was so ‘yesterday.’

People claim to see Jesus, Virgin Mary in tree trunk in Iowa
–– And Joseph in compost pit.

Source: Charles Manson, fiance get marriage license
–– Beelzebub hoping to officiate ceremony.

Napoleon’s hat sells for $2.4 million at auction
–– To stumpy megalomaniac.

Jonathan Gruber says voters are 'stupid.' But the real idiots are the Democrats in Congress.
–– Can’t they share credit?

Five-pound Chihuahua looking for his owner: We know he'll never come
–– Was neutered as puppy.

Weekend of friction lays ground for NFL hearing on Adrian Peterson discipline
–– Regarding friction on child’s body.

Halliburton buys rival in mega deal
–– More absorbs it like the Blob.

Crazy Eddie CFO: 'We are in the golden era of white-collar crime'
–– The prices are in-saaane!

Analysts: ISIS video 'sign of desperation’
–– Fear ratings slipping.

NFLer fined for cheap shot on coach
–– Said he called game like Rex Ryan.

Lifetime’s Aaliyah biopic falls flat
–– Sorta crashes.

Canseco: My finger fell off
–– From tweeting moronic opinions.

Thai police identify Americans accused of trying to ship infant body parts
–– In planes with extra leg room.

Court orders strip club to pay $10M in back wages to dancers
–– Cuz babies’ got back!

Newly released interviews detail highs, lows of Clinton White House
–– Lows were mostly crotch level.

Jimmy Graham Says He's Done Jumping into End Zones After Groping Incident
–– In his end zone.

On a comet 10 years away, Philae conks out, maybe for good
–– Those with money riding on Philae to win lose big.

Man was internally decapitated
–– Which is why he didn’t lose his head.

Bill Cosby stays mum on rape allegations
–– His so-called ‘Jell-o puddy pops.’

Tank crushes car at store opening
–– Didn't see 'Dont Tread on Me' plates.

Little girl joins Santa for breakfast
–– In saddest euphemism for death.

Despite ban, 'Rich Kids of Tehran' party on
–– Likes it's 1979.

Gawker’s Hulk Hogan Sex Tape Story Is Turning Out to Be a Very Expensive One
–– The pixelation budget alone exorbitant.

Krauthammer: Obama immigration action 'impeachable'
–– Commentator impeachy keen.

Week of 11/14/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

We can land on a comet, but we can't ...
–– Cure the common Kardashian.

Harry Reid: Dems won't engage in 'obstruction'
–– Will wear pants around ankles.

Goldman Sachs Recasts Its Reputation to Woo Tech Talent
–– As Masters of the Nerdiverse.

House approves Keystone pipeline proposal
–– Kops thrilled.

Jon Stewart to Steve Carell: "I Never Thought You Were Talented"
–– Carell: "Ditto."

Obama gets glimpse of life as lame duck abroad
–– Served Peking Lame Duck in Beijing.

Long-lost Dylan Thomas manuscript found
–– Under milkwood.

Bush Tells Hannity Why He Refuses to Criticize Obama
–– Hannity's head explodes.

Popcorn trick bewilders moviegoer
–– She's surprised to find wiener when she reaches into box in date's lap.

Declared dead, 91-year-old woman wakes up 11 hours later in funeral home
–– Admitted to feeling 'a little stiff.'

Philae researcher criticized for shirt covered in scantily clad women
–– Closest he's come to scantily clad women.

Jose Canseco Says Human Beings Will Rule the Galaxy by Traveling Via Comet
–– If Mercury puts it back in production.

ISIS wants to mint its own jihadi coins
–– The Syrian Rubble.

Latrines, sewers show varied ancient Roman diet
Do as the Romans doo.

Harry Reid Gets an Earful Before Being Re-Elected to Lead Democrats
–– Pleas to put them out of misery, too.

Warhol's Elvis and Brando Works Fetch $151.5 Million at Auction
–– Expected only 15 millions of fame.

World’s 'most complicated' Patek Philippe gold watch sells for record $24.4 million
–– To world’s ‘most simple’ collector.

Scientists Have Finally Taken A Look Inside One Of The Mysterious Siberian Holes
–– Found bones buried by Huskies.

Making 'Dumber' sequel more fun than the first
–– Except for audience.

Anjelica Huston on Morticia's Makeup, Oscar Prep, & the Scent She's Worn Since ’86
–– Desperation.

Kim Kardashian Flashes Her ENTIRE Bum in an Attempt to "break the Internet"
–– Her buttered bum.

Tiger on the loose is Paris suburbs; people told to stay inside
–– A daring metaphor worthy of Sartre.

Buffett buys Duracell batteries
–– To power electric nail bufferr.

Arkansas governor to pardon son on drug charges
–– For possession of little rocks.

Man Charged with Second Wife's Murder Now Being Investigated in First Wife's Death
–– Third wife ‘mildly concerned.’

Taylor Swift goes crazy in 'Blank Space' video
–– Title refers to her personality.

Pistons’ Andre Drummond Has His Last Name Misspelled on Jersey vs. Chicago
–– Front of shirt reads Pist on.

This sign made Garth Brooks stop concert
–– ‘$5 20-piece Chicken McNuggets.’

George W. Bush 'wanted Dad to be alive' to read biography
–– ‘Cause he hasn’t suffered enough.’

Holy Blu-ray! The five best original 'Batman' moments
–– 4. Cat Woman unveils her 'litter box.'

Solange Knowles Getting Hitched
–– Will have to straighten out her swing.

Eminem Raps "I'll Punch Lana Del Rey Right In The Face Twice Like Ray Rice"
–– His version of elevator music.

Regular pot habit changes your brain, may even lower your IQ, study says
–– A study you’re too buzzed to read.

Billionaire Oilman Harold Hamm To Pay $1 Billion In Divorce
–– Hamm fisted.

Rick Perry Actually Gets Question from College Student About Anal Sex
–– Why not probe the source?

McDonald’s recalls 2.3 million Hello Kitty whistles that pose choking hazard
–– Character triggers gag reflex in aduts.

AT&T cancels plans for in-flight Wi-Fi network
–– Haven't perfected fucking up land-based service.

Mean girls are getting younger
–– Spite must agree with them.

Joe Biden: Bibi and I are 'still buddies'
–– ‘He calls me Bidi.’

Church: Mormon founder Joseph Smith wed 40 wives
–– And had a lot of near misses.

Cranberries singer arrested for alleged air rage incident
–– Gave tart response.

Glenn Beck reveals serious illness
–– In addition to chronic assholism.

Christopher Nolan Responds to Complaints About 'Interstellar' Science
–– 'Just concentrate on the drama sucking!'

Tinder founder Sean Rad says he's been stripped of CEO title
–– Felt ‘sideswiped’.

Navy SEAL Who Allegedly Shot Osama bin Laden: He ‘Died Like a Pussy’
–– 'Then I did Abbottabad Shuffle victory dance after spiking my rifle.'

Bradley Cooper Looks Different Without A Beard
–– Observer’s startling revelation.

Passenger: Airline lost my dog
–– In ruff landing.

Fatah cancels Arafat memorials after bombings, blames Hamas
–– ‘Although Yasser woulda’ loved them.’

Her job is to help you die a 'good death'
–– Checks you're in box.

Ex-athlete sues UNC over academics
–– UNC: ‘What academics?’

Fireball lights up Texas sky
–– Ted Cruz has thought.

Charles Barkley Says He Will Not Eat Until Lakers Win a Game
–– Holding off on Kobe steak.

Ben Carson leaves Fox News, mulls run
–– Better off mulling cider.

Victoria’s Secret dumps 'Perfect Body'
–– In lake.

What Lena Dunham controversy can teach parents about kids and sex
–– The same thing Girls can teach them about quantum physics.

Week of 11/07/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

McConnell rules out shutdowns, default
–– But whatever could have changed his mind?

Another Ex-Commando Says He Shot Bin Laden
–– SEALs barking.

President Obama expected to nominate Loretta Lynch as attorney general
–– She pledges to stand by her man.

This may be the oldest surviving photo of a human
–– Middle-aged Larry King looks pretty good.

FBI director defends impersonation of AP reporter
–– ‘It’s the first new hire they’ve had in years.’

What it's like to be a gay cowboy
–– Blazing saddles.

Jobless rate falls to 5.8%
–– Democrats lose 8 more seats.

Amputee sought in shooting deaths of parents in Florida
–– Authorities stumped.

Eric Holder e-mail mentions 'Issa and his idiot cronies'
–– In redundant flourish.

PETA slams Discovery's 'Eaten Alive' anaconda special
–– Found it hard to swallow.

Russian ruble falls to new lows in rapid slide
–– Lower than a Putin’s belly.

‘The Love Boat' cast christens latest Princess Cruises' ship
–– With bottle of prune juice.

‘Star Wars: Episode VII' has a title: 'The Force Awakens'
–– Episode VIII moniker rumored: ’The Force Kin’.

151 years later, Medal of Honor for Alonzo Cushing, Civil War hero
–– Fox blames Obama for delay.

Victoria’s Secret reveals $2M bras
–– Chain accused of milking customers.

Microsoft makes Office free on mobile
–– Consumers waiting for price drop.

AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd charged with attempting to have 2 men killed
–– Dirt cheap.

Sophia Loren on Refusing to Get a Nose Job Early in Her Career: "When I Believe in Something, It's Like War"
–– “I defended my bridge!”

Russian Actor and Putin Critic Alexei Devotchenko Found Dead
–– Russian President’s review in.

90-year-old Florida man charged for feeding homeless people
–– Mayor: ‘Only OK if food contains rat poison.’

95 Olive Garden meals in 6 weeks
–– Customer's epitaph.

First on CNN: Army says word 'Negro' OK to use
–– According to Maj. Gen. Jim Crow.

Molly Shattuck, Oldest NFL Cheerleader, Accused of Sex with 15-Year-Old
–– Being scouted by Washington State Cougars.

Dallas Cowboys Coin Regrettable 'CowboysUK' Hashtag for London Game
–– Replaced with #JerryJonesUK.

How my dad fought the Stasi
–– On Vanderpump Rules.

New Jawbone tracker takes your heart rate
–– And measures how much you bite.

Brian Williams: Weatherman wasn't urinating on air
–– It’s just raining down your back.

Shy bladder group protests DirecTV ad
–– Report leaked.

Expelled Nazis paid millions in Social Security
–– Claim its Civil Reich.

Celeb-packed funeral held for Oscar de la Renta
–– Should have made coffin much wider.

’Trivago Guy' gets a new look
–– After consult with homeless soap actor.

Sophia Loren admits she was afraid Jayne Mansfield's dress was 'going to blow' in infamous photo
–– Like its wearer.

Golfer’s 20'6" Club Sets New World Record for Longest Usable Golf Club
–– Player still has tiny white balls.

Chris Brown calls TV hosts 'trout mouth' and 'Muppet face'
–– Quoth ’shit head.’

Kmart opens before breakfast on Thanksgiving
–– In case you’re trying to suppress appetite.

Spirit Airlines: Fliers don't just hate us
–– They despise us.

3-D-printed organs are on the way
–– Including enlarged prostate.

’Fifty Shades of Grey’: No Jamie Dornan Full-Frontal
–– Except his naked, red face.

21 Questions You Should Never Ask Your Flight Attendant
–– 17. Is this my stop?

All Rihanna Wants for Christmas Is a ‘Big, Trimmed ****!!”
–– Oh, those are Christmas balls.

Morning Sickness: 5 Myths Debunked
–– 4. It is only thing you have in common with Kate Middleton.

British Pop Star Finds Spider Living In Her Ear
–– According to Web.

New York Times: Should Black And Hispanic Men Be Banned From Chatting Up White Feminist Women?
–– Not even to ask if they’re feminists?

Man discovers 90-million-year-old turtle while hiking
–– Stops, rests, loses race.

Iggy Azalea Suffers Wardrobe Malfunction While Performing at Bar Mitzvah
–– Crowd caught glimpse of her kishka.

Tom Magliozzi, one of NPR's 'Car Talk' brothers, dies at 77
–– Tappet out.

Wife: Joran van der Sloot stabbed in prison
–– World mourns.

A strong tailwind? GOP has momentum
–– Can smell it from here.

Jennifer Lawrence Buys L.A. Home Previously Owned by Jessica Simpson
–– Will use 1sq.ft. Library to store book.

Bahamas Celebration cruise evacuated after ship strikes something at sea
–– A giant triangle.

Bangladesh plunged into darkness
–– 67 years ago.

Nik Wallenda to attempt blindfolded tightrope walk in downtown Chicago
–– Blindfolds--and umbrellas--recommended for crowd below.

Alabama dog gets owner caught for alleged drug offenses
–– Planted stash in owner’s pocket.

Wilson Kipsang Of Kenya Wins 2014 NYC Marathon Men's Title
–– Geez, Kenya believe it?

Daylight Saving Time Fast Facts
–– Doctors don’t actually recommend not eating for six months.

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