Headbangers 12/14
Headbangers 11/14
Headbangers 10/14
Headbangers 09/14
Headbangers 08/14
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Headbangers 06/14
Headbangers 05/14
Headbangers 04/14
Headbangers 03/14
Headbangers 02/14
Headbangers 01/14
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 10/31/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Gov. Paul LePage To Nurse: Sure Would Be A Shame If An Angry Mob Attacked You
–– It'd teach you to help violent savages in primitive lands.

Man pinned under truck for 17 hours
–– Ironically named Jack.

New York Is Set to Lift Ban on Cellphones in Schools
–– Want selfie-educated students.

Koch Brothers Buy Ad Time On ‘The Daily Show'; Jon Stewart Bites Back
–– Throws tea party.

Kris Jenner Feels Betrayed by Bruce Jenner for Dating Her Friend: "She's Livid"
–– Insists: "I didn't know she was gay."

Wolf-like animal seen roaming in northern Arizona
–– Ass-like animal wanders governor’s office.

Congo crowd kills man, eats him after militant massacres: witnesses
–– Vow to takeout enemy.

Jian Ghomeshi: 8 women accuse former CBC host of violence, sexual abuse or harassment
–– NFL scouting him.

Chelsea Handler outraged as topless photo challenging Vladimir Putin is removed from Instagram
–– Jury out on which boob's bigger.

New species of frog found in ... NYC
–– Just arrived from Paris.

Polish authorities interview Roman Polanski, decline to arrest him
–– Get autograph made out to ‘Suckers.’

Smoke rises from Radio France building in Paris
–– Smells suspiciously like Gauloises.

 Holy site reopened -- to folks over 50
–– Early Bird Special at Temple Mount.

Frein captured, hauled away in slain cop's cuffs
–– Police: “Frein at last, Frein at last, Thank God Almighty we’ve Frein at last.”

’Unusual’ Russian flights concern NATO
–– Pilots sober.

Five reasons the Ferguson police chief is in hot water
–– 4. Makes excellent bumpkin soup.

Jennifer Lopez: I've felt abused
–– Fans: We’ve felt self-abused.

The gray market for iPhones
–– Space gray.

UC Berkeley student group votes to disinvite Bill Maher; college overturns it
–– Giving him a Real Time of it.

Suspect named in national park vandalism across 4 states
–– Boo-Boo Bear.

Apple CEO Tim Cook: 'I Consider Being Gay Among The Greatest Gifts God Has Given Me'
–– ‘It’s the coolest sexual orientation in the world and we’ve sold 1 million units since I announced it.’

Michael Jordan Says Barack Obama Is 'Sh---Y' at Golf
–– Gave him the Air.

Mike Tyson Tells CNN's Don Lemon He's Full of Sh*t’ During Interview
–– Lemon points him towards men's room.

Russian-made rocket engines suspected in Antares rocket launch blast
–– Along with unstable vodka fuel.

Suge Knight, Katt Williams arrested in paparazzi camera theft case
–– Just when they’d turned their evil powers to doing good.

Costco says employees 'deserve' Thanksgiving off
–– Tells them to 'get stuffed.’

Want to buy a piece of Ferrari?
–– Left tail light?

Walmart apologizes for 'fat girl' costumes
–– ‘We took truth in advertising laws literally.’

Jose Canseco accidentally shoots himself in the hand, police say
–– Too juiced to hit foot.

Scott Walker Runs Ad Supporting Equal Pay After Repealing Wisconsin's Equal Pay Law
–– Won’t ban civil unions, though he never treated unions civilly.

Benedict Cumberbatch says Sherlock Holmes doesn't have sex as he's 'too busy solving crimes'
–– Except for Watson’s occasional ‘Holmes invasion.’

Shocking hidden camera footage shows nanny 'throwing toddler around room'
–– Tests out bouncing baby boy.

Would you buy a Barbie for your son? Let Toys be Toys campaign thinks we should stop gendering kids toys
–– Only to teach him anatomy.

Mark Harmon Developing Young William Shakespeare Drama for CW
–– And David Hasselhoff developing Sophocles’ Oedipus Cycle as Adult Swim toon.

New tool in Eric Frein manhunt
–– Competence.

Baby wipes recalled due to bacterial contamination
–– Used wipes.

Anjelica Huston: Ryan O'Neal Hit Me Until I "Saw Stars"
–– “Bigger than either of us.”

Man loses 270 pounds, wins 'Teacher of the Year'
–– Excess fat gets professorship at UNC.

Boehner: Bush would've punched Putin
–– Or fisted him at least.

Gene Simmons Tells Women: "Stop Depending on Men"
–– Women: “KISS, my ass.”

’Downton Abbey' Dog Isis' Days May Be Numbered
–– Scenes, and possibly head, to be cut.

Son says Jeb Bush 'more than likely' eyeing 2016 run
–– Nation: 'We're already Bushed.'

Elon Musk warns against unleashing artificial intelligence 'demon'
–– HAL 9000: 'We'll remember that on next SpaceX Dragon flight, Elon.'

Agents: Man says devil made him do it; 10 Commandments smashed
–– Thou shalt not care.

Priests duel in a tap dance-off
–– Papal vs. ruby slippers.

Police: Ottawa gunman made video of himself prior to attack
–– Canada: Wish he'd really shot self.

Google exec free-falls from space
–– Following Google Glass.

‘Handsome’ serial killer confesses
–– Yeah, but he’s no Ted Bundy.

SpaceX’s Dragon splashes down with critical research on human spaceflight
–– And dragon landings.

Week of 10/24/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Obama gives Ebola survivor Nina Pham a bear hug at the White House
She feels like poo.

Labor chief: 'Christie's got his head in the sand’
–– Eating raw clams.

War vet's search for cure leads to Amazon
–– Where he clicks on Medical Books.

TLC Cancels ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,’ Citing Concern for ‘Health and Welfare’ of Kids
–– Who watched it.

Ebola Diagnosed in New York: Hollywood Reacts Hilariously
–– Almost as funny as fatal mudslide.

Bristol Palin Blogs About Her Version of Palin Family Brawl: I Was Called a "C--- and Slut"
–– Sure it wasn't ‘accounting slut?’

Bill Murray now has golf pants with Ellen Degeneres faces all over them
–– As close as hers has been been to man’s zipper.

Tyler Posey, Fiancee Seana Gorlick Split: Teen Wolf Star Says "I Get Sad Talking About It"
–– Sapient humanoid: ‘I get suicidal hearing about it.’

Ted Cruz's deputy chief of staff suggests Ebola spread to the US because of Obamacare
–– May explain his brain hemorrhage, too.

Kim Kardashian Says Daughter North Will Have to Work Like She Did
–– Mom fielding offers from kiddie porn producers.

This Photo Of The Pope Is Pretty Darn Dope
–– It’s coke he’s snorting off communion rail.

This Dog Honking A Car Horn Is The Cutest Case Of Road Rage We've Ever Seen
–– When he angrily runs over moron taping him, it’s even more adorable.

Doctor now with Ebola went through enhanced screening at JFK airport
–– His bags were quarantined.

10 Things You Didn't Know About 'The Golden Girls’
–– 8. Name inspired by weak bladders.

Menopause and Pelvic Exams: The Rules are Changing
–– Registered plumbers now allowed to perform them.

An 'Ugly Woman's' Honest and Painful Response to Being Mistreated Goes Viral
–– RuPaul in tears.

Rand Paul plants feet in both sides of foreign policy debate
–– Where the bullshit is.

Holder 'frustrated' no jail for bankers
–– ‘I mean, who the hell was Attorney General?’

Christian Bale to play Steve Jobs
–– Expected to contract pancreatic cancer to prep for role.

Jazz musician Kenny G angers China with Hong Kong protest visit
–– Refused to punish dissidents with sax solo.

‘Avengers: Age of Ultron' trailer might make you squee
–– I haven’t squeed in years.

Domino’s Pizza is hot again
–– If you have toaster oven.

YAY!! Nina Pham's dog tests negative for Ebola!
–– Can be cooked for dinner.

Heads line streets of ISIS capital
–– In today’s headsline.

45,000-year-old leg bone offers clues to Stone Age mating
–– Applied to female’s skull as ‘aphrodisiac.’

’Django Unchained' actress, boyfriend charged with lewd conduct
–– Cops: Her vadjaydjay unleashed.

Disney to introduce new heroine, 'Moana'
–– She’s noisy during sex.

Robertson: You can get AIDS from towels
–– Wrapped around hunky masseurs.

Obama’s ISIS, Ebola "mission creep”
–– aka Gen. Martin E. Dempsey, Chairman of Joint Chiefs.

5 Plot Holes You Never Noticed In 'Star Wars'
–– 3. Episodes I - III.

The Pakistani Taliban Feels Jilted After Spokesman Defects to ISIS
–– Distraught terrorists hire Gilbert Gottfried to replace.

King Tut Had A Club Foot And Other Deformities, New 'Autopsy' Shows
–– Including enormous tuts.

Renee Zellweger Is Now Completely Unrecognizable
–– So we never have to look at that face again?

Why Mensa Doesn't Look Kindly on Kanye West or The Big Bang Theory
–– They’re not stupid.

New Hampshire Pumpkin Festival crowd sets fires, throws bottles
–– In Jackoff Lantern competition.

Jon Favreau’s secret to being funny
–– A secret he never ever shares.

Monica Lewinsky: Still crying after all these years
–– We think those are tears on face.

Amazon and Simon & Schuster reach compromise deal
–– Jeff Bezos lets them live.

Mother wants 'Breaking Bad' figures removed from Toys R Us
–– And Playskool’s My 1st Meth Lab play sets.

San Francisco stations ban Lorde's 'Royals' ahead of World Series
–– Mayor’s office prohibits visits by Princes Charles, William, Harry and George.

North Korea: Personal physician divulges Kim Il Sung's quest to live to 100
–– Or three times country’s average life expectancy.

Mario Lopez's One-Night Stand With "Mega Pop Star" Revealed: It Was Britney Spears!
–– Ew, she did it again.

This Beautiful Passive House Can Be Built in Just Four Days
–– The ugly model where everything works takes forty.

Channing Tatum on Overcoming Learning Disorders: 'I Have Never Considered Myself a Smart Person’
–– At least that lesson stuck.

Ebola Panic Reaches New Heights As Maine Teacher Is Put On Leave Because She Visited Dallas
–– Dozens of her students claim they were there, too.

White House Doesn’t Really Know What The ‘Ebola Czar’ Knows About Ebola
–– Or history of Imperial Russia.

81-Year-Old Golfer Dom DeBonis Hits a Hole-in-One on 3 Consecutive Days
–– Or was it a par 3 on one day?

100-year-old woman still teaching
–– Herself to sip soup.

Supreme Court allows Texas voter ID law for now
–– Because racism suits them.

Obama’s credit card declined at fancy restaurant
–– Refused to play Black Card.

Five Reasons to Tune in to Dane Cook’s Showtime Special Troublemaker
–– 3. Self-loathing.

Week of 10/17/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

A day after fangate, Rick Scott feels blowback
–– Denies he's oscillationist.

Employers measure workers' waistlines
–– Inviting sex-harassment suits.

Pizza Hut sorry for calling woman 'Pink Fat Lady' on receipt
–– ‘Ruddy’ better adjective.

Obama: I 'Hugged And Kissed' Nurses Treating Ebola Patients In Atlanta
–– Using dental dam.

Danny Brown Receives Oral Sex From Fan On Stage, Keeps Rapping
–– Doesn’t blow lyrics.

Warwick Davis Returns To 'Star Wars' For 2015's 'Episode VII'
–– Short-listed for part.

Chelsea Handler: Jason Biggs Peed on My Face
–– Now she knows how audience feels.

Why Bradley Cooper Considers Jennifer Lawrence Similar to Robert De Niro
–– The musky scent.

’Full House' Creator Lists $30M Home: "If You Can't Get Laid in That Bedroom, There's Something Wrong With You"
–– ‘I mean you’re screwed as soon as you sign the papers.’

Russia is conducting a massive McDonald's purge
–– Not unusual after eating there.

Italian nurse kills as many as 38 patients because they annoyed her, takes selfies with corpses: cops
–– Posted on Isdeadgram.

Study: Giant prehistoric kangaroos looked like rabbits, walked like humans
–– Ran from natural predator, Homo Fuddius.

Train collision injures 44 on fall foliage ride in northwest Arkansas
–– Leaves splashed with red, yellow and brown.

Is it us or do these Miss World beauties look off?
–– It’s the glint in the eye and the butcher knife.

Biden’s son discharged from Navy after testing positive for cocaine
–– Took powder.

Advert featuring woman’s breasts causes 500 accidents in a DAY among Moscow’s distracted male drivers – before being impounded by police
–– Putin’s president — it’s not like they’ve never seen a boob before.

Man treated for Google Glass addiction
–– And chronic assoholism.

Tricks, treats and THC fears in Colorado
–– Most popular costume: White sheet tied at both ends to resemble joint.

Imam: It's 'code red' for American Muslims
–– Sounds Allah-rum.

Facebook, Apple pay to freeze employees' eggs
–– And keep male counterparts’ huevos warm.

‘White boy' Biden calls tea party 'crazy'
–– 'Wackier than my boy on a 3-day pass.'

Rick Perry in London: 'You always sound so darn smart’
–– Addressing lamppost.

Mitt Romney's open letter: I love Ann
–– Taylor.

Joseph Randle Arrested: Latest Details, Mugshot and More
–– All on his Topps football card.

This 13-year-old could be the first on Mars
–– If she can get there by next birthday.

Makers of KitKat and MilkyWay join Ebola fight
–– Promote Ebowla' Bitty Bites.

Pricey Hermès bags 'reek like a skunk’
–– Claim filthy rich.

Abbott vows to 'shirt-front' Putin over MH17; Russia says comments 'immature'
–– And besides, he doesn’t wear one.

Vatican proposes 'stunning' shift on gays, lesbians
–– Clergy’s sigh of relief billows out Pope’s robe.

Coach: ‘I am not a freak’
–– Shakes third fist at reporters.

Uber Receives "F" From Better Business Bureau
–– For unfare practices.

China Approves $3.25 Billion Universal Theme Park in Beijing
–– With Despicable Mao: Minion Mayhem ride and King Hong Kong dueling roller coaster.

John Cleese Quits Movies, Says He's "Looking Forward" to Death
–– His idea of parroty.

Zach Galifianakis Thinks "the Way Hollywood Congratulates Itself All the Time" Is Gross
–– Genius comment, Zack, you’re effin’ brilliant!

ISIS states its justification for the enslavement of women
–– Que sharia, sharia.

Gwyneth Paltrow to Obama: 'You're so handsome that I can't speak’
–– He to her: ‘I wish, about the speaking part.’

Toddlers hurt in bouncy house accident
–– The meaty beaty big ones.

Vietnam vet's prosthetic leg stolen at Philadelphia Eagles game
–– Quarterback executing bootleg suspected.

Alaska’s gay marriage ban overturned
–– Palins threaten to move to Russia via foot.

Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict helps up friend Luke Kuechly
–– Was Burfict gentleman.

Scientists Replicate Alzheimer’s Brain Cells in a Petri Dish
–– Forget where they left them.

What Your Favorite Disney Princess Says About You
–– You’re a wuss.

David Crosby: Neil Young Is Very Angry With Me
–– Still can’t find stash I hid in ’72.

Chris Christie's Appearance At NAACP Event Angers Some Delegates
–– Wouldn’t remove white hood.

Do Not Ever Ask Jay Z Who He Is
–– Existential angst overwhelming.

Mysterious car found floating in Schuylkill River
–– Perfectly average one floating next to it.

Blind man sees for first time in 33 years
–– Tragically, it's Kourtney and Kim Take Miami on E!.

Pizza delivery man shocked by $1,200 tip
–– Even though he forgot breadsticks.

Alaska family twice told their son is dead -- only to have him answer the door
–– When they bring renters by to see his place.

7 high school players face sexual assault charges over alleged locker room hazing
–– Ends' penalized.

Russia: We’re pulling troops
–– And they’re loving it.

How Obama surprised NFL player
–– With Get Out of Jail Free card.

Child who fell into jaguar exhibit at Arkansas Zoo is in stable condition
–– Treated by horse doctor.

Watch Taylor Swift's Shocked Reaction as John Cleese Insults Her Cat
–– Hissed, clawed.

Week of 10/10/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

What It Looks Like When There’s an Ebola Scare on a Plane
Blooper reel from United 93.

Girl: Dick's catalog is sexist
–– Duh!

Study: Americans want more religion in politics
And more assholes in Congress.

The problem with 'thug' cuisine
–– Lead content.

NASA: Dead star 10 million times brighter than sun
–– Sun: ‘Eff you, NASSAU!’

Huckabee Threatens To Leave GOP Over Gay Marriage, Abortion
–– ISIS: ‘Come, infidel, join us!’

The 13 Best Superhero Bulges of All Time
–– 13. Achwadman, 12. Peter Pecker, 11. Mr. Fan-fuckin'-tastic, 10. Deadpull, 9. Superboing!, 8. Irod Man, 7. Thang, 6. Professor XXX, 5. Nutcrawler, 4. Cock Robin, 3. Sporn, 2. The Flesh, 1. Surprisingly, Ant-man.

What You Might Not Know About 'Getting Roofied'
–– Tiles beat shingles.

Olive Garden Seen Through an Unlimited Pasta Pass
–– Recumbent in carb coma.

Newcombe lifts lid on 'party boy' George W. Bush
–– Toilet lid.

Did Florida boys school officials send family a casket filled with wood?
–– Or was he just a dummy?

I make six figures playing video games
–– All of them stick.

Writer: I knocked out Muhammad Ali
–– In my fabulous ensemble.

Sarah Silverman is tired of the 'vagina tax'
–– Says hers is spent.

Green Day, Nine Inch Nails, N.W.A. among Rock Hall nominees
–– or Rock Really Is Dead.

Professional’ Robbers Steal Memorabilia from Yogi Berra Museum in New Jersey
–– Swipe second base.

Clinton waffles on Obamacare tax question
–– Doctor prescribes Lipitor.

Richest man predicts 3-day work week
–– For himself.

Manuel Noriega on ‘Call of Duty’: My Grandchildren Asked Why I Was the Target
–– ‘You tell the little ones you were a money-laundering, drug-trafficking, murderous dictator, betrayed by his former CIA sponsors!’

’7th Heaven’ Reruns Dropped Amid Star’s Child Molestation Investigation
–– Plans to rename show 7’s Heaven scrubbed.

US Journalist Believes He Got Ebola While Cleaning Infected Car
–– And herpes sitting in back seat in underwear.

Friend of accused Boston bomber was too stoned to lie, lawyer says
–– High court hears case.

Even an Ozarks coroner gets surplus military guns
–– To ward off return customers.

Workers begin removing Trump name from Atlantic City casino
–– And fumigating executive suite.

Red Terror: Elephant Tramples Communist Leader
–– Ironic: They were both from red states.

Videos of Kangaroos Boxing in the Street is the Most Australian Thing You Will See Today
— But I’m staring at an empty Foster’s Oil Can, mate.

Black bear cub found dead in New York’s Central Park
–– School backpack and honeypot missing.

Former whistleblower attacks Florida governor over healthcare fraud
–– Now toots own horn.

White House rejects Netanyahu’s criticism with withering response
–– Delivered by Alan Rickman at his most contemptuous.

Report: Japanese had plans to join Islamic State
–– Missed ‘good old days’ of Axis with Nazi Germany.

Jillian Loyden requests Hope Solo Be Benched for Domestic Violence Charges
–– Hope Solo requests Jillian Loyden be charged with bench.

ISIS set to take Kobani, score huge land grab
–– Plan to develop Del Bomber Vista Retirement Community.

Navy robots could ‘swarm’ foes
–– Admiral: ‘They’re bees knees.’

Theater buff loses 121 pounds, nabs lead role
–– In Damn Yankee Doodles.

Man dies after falling in wood chipper
–– Fargo fan ‘shattered.’

Police: Miami Dolphins lineman arrested
–– In show of solidarity with ‘brothers’ in league.

Amazon finds hit in Transparent
–– Critics see right through it.

W.H. not considering Ebola travel ban
–– Secret Service assures President Liberian vacation ‘perfectly safe.’

West coast alarmed by false tsunami alert
–– Wave of hysteria subsides.

Ole Miss stuns Bama
–– When she raises petticoat.

Ben Affleck Slams Bill Maher for "Racist," "Ugly" Views in Heated Islam Debate
–– Maher plays Gigli card.

Ben Affleck Refuses to Wear Yankees Cap for 'Gone Girl' Film
–– Contract stipulates his Batman wear Red Sox logo on chest.

Man running in inflatable bubble rescued off coast of Florida
–– Rescuers followed sound of dolphins laughing.

Cleric upset over selfies at the Hajj
–– Especially one of faithful’s ‘little pilgrim.’

The anatomy of ISIS: How the 'Islamic State' is run, from oil to beheadings
–– From Chief Executing Officer.

Former Haitian dictator 'Baby Doc' Duvalier dies at 63
–– “President for life” and death.

Marriott fined $600,000 by FCC for blocking guests' Wi-Fi
–– NSA sues for lost data.

Flight delayed by escaped crabs
–– Passenger was told to zip up.

RadioShack gets a lifeline
–– Runs on AAA batteries.

Ben Bernanke can't refinance: Tough lending standards
–– Bank won’t accept Alan Greenspan as collateral.

Week of 10/03/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

UFO Appears Above Hong Kong Pro-Democracy Protesters
–– Later identified as Central Committee Death Star.

L.A.: Where the rich don't vaccinate
–– Even for hipatitis.

Unemployment falls below 6% for first time since 2008
–– Fox Business switches to 24-hour test pattern.

Hazmat crews arrive at quarantined apartment
–– But Bieber won’t let them in.

Sarah Silverman Admits to Stabbing 'SNL' Star "Really Hard" in Head With Pencil
–– In another pointless sketch.

Lisa Vanderpump says not all the ‘Housewives’ love new ‘RHOBH’ star Lisa Rinna
–– Complain she’s ‘lippy.’

Seeing Eye Cat Adopts Blind Dog As Best Friend, Guides Him Everywhere
–– Including off curb into traffic.

Don’t Quote Jesus' Words About Hell -- He Doesn't Believe in It
–– He never visited Cleveland.

Amazon, iTunes Put Disclaimer for Racism on Tom and Jerry Cartoons
–– Black cats ‘feel lucky.’

Chelsea Clinton's Baby Could Be the Next Secretary of State, According to Astrologist Susan Miller
–– If Kerry stays in post another 35 years.

Teresa Giudice Sentenced to 15 Months in Prison, Joe Giudice to Serve 3.5 Years
–– Joe will get to play Real Housewife.

Ohio woman sues sperm bank after racial mix-up
–– ‘I didn’t order chocolate milk.’

Shocking tip left for awful service
–– Of diner’s middle finger.

Bank: 76M customers hacked
–– That’s gotta hurt.

Meet 'Father Joe' Clancy, new Secret Service head
–– Mr. President, say your prayers.

Julia Pierson Wanted To Run Secret Service 'Like Disney World': Washington Post
–– Codenamed POTUS Dumbo.

Justices mum on whether to review same-sex marriage constitutionality
–– Mouths full at the moment.

The one thing I miss about being poor
–– Air sandwiches.

Whoops! Banksy graffiti scrubbed by council after racism complaint
–– Now official self-portrait.

Prince William warns paparazzi against ‘harassing’ George
–– Hissy Royal Highness.

Donald Trump: ABC's 'Black-ish' Title Is Racist
–– ‘And I should know.’

Where the heck is my spare tire?
–– Look just above your belt.

35,000 Walruses Are All Crowded Together In One Spot — And It Signals Something Ominous
–– They hate seals.

LeBron to star in Disney series
–– The Cavs and the Cav Nots.

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps arrested on DUI charge
–– Was doing backstroke in passing lane.

Why India's leader won't eat with Obama
–– Heard about his table manners on Fox News.

Satan Is Promoting Nicolas Cage's Newest Movie
–– But only to damned.

CNN Poll: Is the U.S. hawkish or dovish?
–– Or dodoish?

Michele Bachmann Clarifies That 'Boring' Gay Marriage Remark
–– ‘I was just quoting Marcus.’

Amal Alamuddin Married George Clooney in Oscar de la Renta
–– Clooney was still in old girlfriend.

Watch the 1,274-Square-Mile Aral Sea Dry Up Before Your Eyes
–– If you don’t mind standing here for 14 years.

Archaeologists discover 'Dracula's Dungeon' in Turkish castle
–– With Turkish bloodbath.

Why everybody is moving to Texas
–– Makes it easier for Jesus to Rapture them.

George Clooney makes it legal
–– No longer criminally handsome.

Comcast vows: We'll fix our customer service
–– Once it’s back online.

Brothers take American road trip before going blind
–– Touring porn theaters.

Crowdfunding propels potato salad joke into a charity concert bash
–– Side splitting.

21 Pieces of Beyoncé Gossip You Can Only Learn Backstage
–– 18. ‘Backstage’ Pass includes thong inspection.

Jennifer Lopez Rear-Ended By Drunk Driver, Uploads Selfie To Express Anguish
–– Drunk still up in there.

At Central Park, Modi salutes the youth, wishes them ‘The Force’
–– Auditions for Yoda in new Star Wars movie.

Smooth Ball Found On Mars By NASA's Curiosity Rover
–– It was assumed God of War had two.

Is Mary-Kate Olsen Married? Let's Weigh the Evidence
–– Which easily outweighs her.

Man who shot into a neighbor's home because he claimed he didn't know another way to unload a gun was found with three firearms in his home
–– And three holes in head.

Yoga poses to help you touch your toes
–– Including the Drooping Mammary.

Inside a million-dollar coral farm
–– Reefer madness.

Elizabeth Warren wants to probe if Fed is too close to big banks
–– Must first remove Fed from big bank’s rectum to examine.

Obama: We misjudged ISIS
–– Will enlist Judge Judy.

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