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Headbangers 03/14
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Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 07/25/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

The Rise of Fangirls at Comic-Con
–– Welcome when dressed as Red Sonja or She-Hulk.

Clinton: Putin is Insecure
–– Offers to 'mutha' him.

Lawmaker to Push Bill requiring Dinesh D’Souza’s ‘America’ Be Shown in Schools
–– Along with selected Looney Tunes shorts.

Ohio State band director fired for 'sexualized' culture
–– Including marching routine to 2 Live Crew's We Want Some Pussy.

Naked men rob restaurant
–– Police on surveillance tape: 'Where's the beef?'

’We don’t carry your size’
–– ‘Gov. Christie.’

Will investors eat up El Pollo Loco IPO?
–– Offering expected to produce a run or runs.

10-foot gator bites gold ball diver
–– Right in the Titleists.

Christie: Pro-life doesn’t stop at birth
–– ’It stops whenever Tea Party primary voters say it does.’

Teen gets 232 ‘teeth’ removed
–– Was bitten by Ann Coulter.

McCain: Slow lethal injection was torture
–– Suggests prison officials bomb condemned.

Vandal targets poorly parked cars
–– Seen wearing meter maid uniform.

Poll: 35% say impeach Obama
–– As long as it includes lynching.

Palestinians call for ‘day of rage’
–– Or Friday.

’Game of Thrones' Author George R.R. Martin Writes Sweet Letter to Teenage Fan Who Loves Wolves
–– Fan agrees to not send pets to his door until he finishes sixth book.

Ted Cruz Renders Himself Impotent
–– Dangles tea bag in boiling water.

Dean Cain compares Johnny Manziel to Matt Leinart, who fires back on Twitter
–– Compares Cain to Christopher Reeve.

You’ll Never Guess Who Selena Gomez's New BFF Is
–– BiFF?

ISIS blows up Jonah’s tomb
–– In whale of a boner.

Dutch Mayor Sorry he Said Putin’s Daughter Should be Deported From Netherlands
–– But he might boot her clogs.

Dave Bautista Shares Dream Role At Guardians of the Galaxy premiere
–– Slab of meat in Rocky musical.

Jerry Seinfeld says a Seinfeld reunion would be 'an embarrassment’
–– Or the basis for a typical Seinfeld storyline.

‘Auschwitz Selfie’ Outrage: But You're Supposed to Take Pictures
–– New Camp motto: ‘Ego macht frei.’

Prince George’s Birthday Gifts From President Obama Revealed
–– 'Yes I Can' potty and wipes imprinted with John Boehner's face.

Lisa Vanderpump Calls New ‘Housewife’ ‘Opinionated,’ Says Last Season Of ‘RHOBH’ Was ‘Awful
–– Admits her name is ‘absurd.’.

Comic-Con: What to Pack for San Diego
–– Cootie repellent for girls.

Queen Photobombs Commonwealth Games Selfie by Hockeyroos Star Jayde Taylor
–– We are not amused.

Arizona execution: Governor orders review after death takes nearly 2 hours
–– Brewer: ‘I DVRed –– can’t get enough of it!’

Warren Buffett Tells You How to Turn $40 Into $10 Million
–– Buy gun and knock over bank.

Spanking the gray matter out of our kids
–– What the hell did they have for dinner?!

Verizon’s offer: Let us track you, get free stuff
–– A nose ring and leash.

Netflix passes 50 million subscribers
–– Celebrates with Jess Franco film fest.

Perry to send 1,000 troops to border
–– Thinks Texas borders Ukraine.

Hopkins to pay $190 million after doctor secretly photographed patients
–– With funds raised on beavershotzz.com.

‘Helluva Pinpoint Operation:’ Kerry Caught On Open Mic Sarcastically Slamming Israeli Gaza Op
–– Kerry on open mic: Helluva Pinhead Operation.

Watch a 72-year-old Buzz Aldrin punch a jerk in the face for calling him a ‘liar’
–– Bellows ‘To the moon, a-hole!’

Kanye West Says Kim Kardashian is His “Dinosaur”
–– His T and A Rex.

Millennials love cash
–– Unlike every other generation.

Millennials say no to marriage
–– See headline above.

Wall Street reform law only half done
–– The half Goldman Sachs doesn’t mind.

Alexander Kristoff snatches stage victory from brave Jack Bauer
–– In Tour de France-themed episode of 24.

What exactly is in McDonald’s fries?
–– City coroner releases findings.

McGraw swatted fan to save pants
–– On the fly.

See giant whales shock boaters
–– By flashing blowholes.

Inmate ordered pizzas from jail
–– With pepperoni and metal files.

The Bush dog joke you never heard
–– Arf arf arf arf arf? Arf!

Daughter: Kasem’s body missing
–– Scooby Doo on case.

Week of 07/18/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Putin Blames Malaysia Plane Crash On Ukraine
–– Adds: The Devil made me do it.

Feds: FedEx shipped illegal drugs
–– FedExtasy.

Christie: N.J. may consider housing kids from southern border influx
–– In migrant farm bunkhouses.

This Dog’s Final Day Proves We Should Live Every Day Like It’s Our Last
–– Got to hump Beyoncé’s leg.

Why haven’t we been back to the moon?
–– No return invite?

‘Sherlock Holmes’ goes to the Supreme Court for a case of copyright
–– The Sign of the Forged.

U.S. expands Russia sanctions
–– Includes bans on borscht and body oil.

Manuel Noriega sues over ‘Call of Duty’ video game
–– For being portrayed as ‘insufficiently badass.’

Cheney not backing impeach Obama call
–– Wants more time to torment him in office.

Theme park employees caught in sex stings, child porn arrests
–– Had ‘You Must Be Taller Than’ height restrictions marked on trouser legs.

Marvel Introduces First Female Thor in New Comicbook Series
–– Will have thunder thighs.

Christie’s bashed by conservatives
–– World's biggest piñata.

Comic-book icon Archie Andrews will die saving gay friend
–– From fashion disaster.

‘SNL’ cast member says he’s ‘fired’
–– Funniest bit he’s ever done.

Weeping Japanese politician goes viral
–– Had sinus infection.

Oprah Winfrey: "Align Your Personality With Your Purpose and No One Can Touch You."
–– ‘Body armor also does the trick.’

Leah Remini: The Best Thing About Leaving Scientology Is "I Can Drink”
–– ‘Best thing about Mondays, too.’

Sight of Rick Perry at Border Convinces Immigrants That Anyone Can Succeed in America
–– Including thosewho can’t speak English.

Ancient Lake Dwellers May Have Given Gruesome Gifts To The Gods
–– ‘Shithead’ caps with plastic turds on bills.

Groomsman Kicks Bridesmaid, Rips Pants in Epic Wedding Photo
–– Quite a spread at reception.

What Democrats always forget about Hillary
–– Her grating personality.

A Texas Man Had The Perfect Response When Obama Asked If He Was Gay
–– ‘Why, want my 'Commander' in Chief?’

Scores of Pennsylvania homes evacuated over mystery gas
–– As wind shifts over Camden.

Smell test may detect early stages of Alzheimer’s disease, studies show
–– And chronic flatulence.

Pentagon’s big budget F-35 fighter ‘can’t turn, can’t climb, can’t run’
–– Like Joint Chiefs of Staff.

24 years on: 12 fun facts about ‘Ghost’
–– Patrick Swayze’s spirit returned to throw pot at Demi Moore.

Ex-captive Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl could return to active duty Monday
–– Expected to abandon post Tuesday.

Costa Concordia afloat once again
–– Captain Schettino offers to abandon ship again.

United flight diverted to remote island
–– Terminal still nicer than LaGuardia.

Ian Thorpe Publicly Announces He’s Gay in Australian Television Interview
–– Redefines nickname Thorpedo.

Disney World monorail evacuated
–– Goofy detained for threatening riders with bomb, John Carter.

California politicians call for Fox News host to resign over slur
–– Assume The Five’s Bo Beckel drinking again.

Remains may be missing American
–– But only a little.

‘Cake Boss’ gets lost in layer of fog
–– And meringue.

See ‘weeping’ elephant unshackled
–– And zookeeper clean up after he blows trunk.

Perry: Paul 'isolationist policies' are 'curiously blind,' 'wrong'
–– ‘Here, try my fake glasses.’

Ad showing black boy being fed like dog faces no action
–– Cracker Barrel to expand campaign.

300-mile bike ride after I lost my arm
–– Tough to ring bell, though.

Hot car deaths: Who can stop them?
–– Um, the parents who leave kids there?

Putin meets Cuba's Castro brothers
–– Fidel serves as door stop.

Student: I was expelled from Oklahoma school for marrying another woman
–– Only allowed if she's blood relative.

United flight diverted because of odor
–– Forgot to roll up window over Newark Liberty Airport.

Plane drops hundreds of fish in lake
–– Which could also explain smell.

Week of 07/11/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

LeBron James heading back to Cleveland
–– Says he missed 'snow and soul-killing desolation.'

World Cup biter switching clubs
–– FC München?

Valet Crashes Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder At Le Meridien Hotel In New Delhi, Doing $330,000 In Damage
–– Outpouring of sympathy from slum dwellers.

How Tea Party tax cuts are turning Kansas into a smoking ruin
–– Instead of just a ruin.

Fox News' Keith Ablow Says Marriage Equality Leads To Marrying Your Dog
–– A homophobic, dickwad dog lover can only hope.

Hobby Lobby Wants To Control Which Bathroom A Transgender Woman Can Use, Too
–– And prohibit standing or sitting in stalls.

Boehner erupts in news conference
–– Filling three fire buckets.

Huge snake under car’s hood
–– Used as timing belt in Fred Flintstone’s new vehicle.

Monks brew beer to keep abbey open
–– Kegger baptisms draw crowds.

Cops nab naked woman in parking lot
–– Charged with failing to dim headlights.

Perry to Obama: This is a disaster
–– My attempt to look smarter by wearing glasses.

World Cup finals: It’s Pope versus Pope
–– With a distinct chance of sudden death.

Man finds severed arm in his yard
–– Turns into bird feeder.

Cops reenact toddler’s hot car death
–– Try to get Honey Boo Boo to participate.

John Wayne family, Duke U. in legal spat
–– Wayne, New Jersey co-defendant.

U.S. officials: Terrorist seizure of nuclear materials in Iraq of minimal concern
–– Hope geniuses try to eat them.

Reporter Pummeled By Haboob!
–– Kept bouncing up and smacking face.

Christian bookstores are the next gay-marriage battleground
–– With angry lesbian couples throwing Rita Mae Brown books at each other.

Hodor Is Sick of Being Asked if He's Sick of Saying 'Hodor'
–– Says he’s’ hodored.’

Giant Ancient Sea Scorpions Had Bad Eyesight
–– Didn’t know if they were fatally stinging your leg or neck.

’Fox & Friends’ Advice for Women in the Workplace: ‘Don’t Talk Too Much’
–– ‘And that means you, Elizabeth Hasselbeck!’

This Is Why Mom Left Baby on NYC Subway Platform
–– Her limo, and mind, had breakdown.

Experts Pick 5 Most Dramatic Dog Breeds
–– 4. Hamoyed.

This car made my butt sore
–– Ford Probe.

Choomer in chief passes on puff in Denver
–– Republicans label him 'Boo Boo Bama.'

Brazil fans’ beautiful act in defeat
–– Lovingly pelt goalie with tomatoes.

Germany destroys host Brazil 7-1
–– Mistook it for Poland.

Sen. Menendez suggests Cuban smear, says U.S. should investigate
–– OK, Cubans are lazy drunks.

Cleveland to hold 2016 Republican convention
–– Expected to nominate LeBron James.

Yankees Fan Caught Sleeping Sues ESPN for $10 Million
–– Signed for 10 years, $15 Million by Bronx Bombers as backstop.

John Boehner hits back at ‘so sue me’
–– 'Nyah nyah, nyah.'

Blogging jurist to Supreme Court: ‘STFU’
–– Added, ‘respectfully.’

Pink Floyd Is Releasing A New Album
–– Where’d you put that stash from '94?

Dog grabs turtle’s ball, but then …
–– Is sued for sexual harassment.

Is this the elusive ISIS chief?
–– Being tracked on Finding Bigfoot?

Skin guru accused of plot to kill
–– Regrets blemish on reputation.

Pope sorry for slow response on sex abuse
–– ‘It takes us awhile to get physically excited.’

Nine Things You Didn’t Know About Jon Stewart
–– 6. Evil twin of Jackie Stewart.

Kate Middleton and Prince William Take Wimbledon Very Seriously
–– Because they’re lives are utterly meaningless.

SNL’s Colin Jost Promises To Be Funnier Next Season
–– And to cure cancer.

Kanye Goes on Rant About Fashion Industry, Reveals He Knew He'd Always Marry Kim
–– Even during 2nd dynastic reign in 2650 BCE.

Dubai to build climate-controlled ‘city,’ largest mall
–– That only sells ice.

LBJ’s Workout Is Harder Than Yours
–– Because ex-President has been dead 41 years.

Many Founding Fathers Were Shockingly Young When The Declaration of Independence Was Signed in 1776
–– Thomas Lynch, Jr. used crayon.

He lived 63 feet underwater for 31 days
–– Can no longer find penis.

Joan Rivers storms out of interview
–– Takes 22 minutes.

‘Shark was crunching my chest’
–– ‘Must like coconut suntan oil.’

Boehner: Why we must now sue the President
–– Because we’ve run out of ways to fuck up government.

Cars that scream ‘America!’
–– As they run over illegal aliens.

Why China is stealing U.S. corn seed
–– Only way to repay debt.

He got engaged, then ate 61 hot dogs
–– Then she reconsidered.

Nicole Kidman Reveals Why She Let Tom Cruise Have Their Kids
–– He had wider hips.

Week of 07/04/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Monty Python reviews say there's life in the dead parrot yet
–– So you're not getting your money back.

4th of July fireworks brought to you by China
–– Spell out $1,263,000,000,000 debt.

Chris Christie vetoes bill to decrease capacity of gun magazines
–– 'I like reading Guns & Ammo.'

Men would rather give themselves electric shocks than sit with their thoughts: study
–– Unless they could beat thoughts senseless.

‘Conservative’ school cancels production of 'Spamalot' due to same-sex marriage scene
–– Knights of Ni also protest portrayal.

JAILHOUSE LOVE: Dutch killer Joran Van der Sloot to marry pregnant girlfriend in 'intimate ceremony' behind Peruvian bars
–– Other spouse, Juan, to attend ceremony.

Tyler Perry wins trademark battle for ‘What Would Jesus Do’
–– Jesus to appeal.

Three Florida women accused of raking in more than $2 million with stolen baby formula scheme
–– Suck on that!

Former News of the World editor Andy Coulson gets 18 months in prison for role in conspiracy to hack phones of celebs, pols, and crime victims
–– Rupert Murdoch gets 18 seconds of indigestion.

Putin wishes Obama happy July Fourth, calls for closer ties
–– Plants M-80 in Ukraine president’s mailbox.

Teens pin gator, make odd 911 call
–– To say they’re going steady.

Chris Martin Not a Vegetarian Post-Gwyneth Paltrow Split
–– Rediscovers taste for pussy.

Pacific Rim 2 Will Be 'Very Different' From The First Film
–– Watchable?

Absolutely gorgeous images show the iPhone 6 like you’ve never seen it before
–– Because it doesn't exist.

Virginia Lawmaker Shocks Local Station, Says ‘OMG, I Just F–ked my Boss’ on Live TV
–– Will sell sex tape on campaign reelection site.

Fox news ignores positive jobs report
–– Runs special on Benghazi's negative impact on economy.

CeeLo Green: I Left the Voice Because "It Became a Job”
–– Unlike dealing, which still feels ‘fresh.’

Dog Waits 8 Days Outside Hospital for Sick Owner: Watch the Reunion!
–– Asks, 'Where's dinner?'

Hobby Lobby Fallout: Catholic Soy Milk Mogul Won't Cover Drugs That 'Prevent Procreation'
–– Eden Foods founder bans female workers from tracking periods.

This Puppy was Saved from Dog Meat Festival in China
–– Tells rescuers: ‘Bite me.’

Did Portia De Rossi Go to Rehab Over an 'Ugly' Fight with Ellen?
–– A contest Ellen obviously won.

Will greed break up Miami Heat?
–– They’re already laughing all the way to bank.

Plasma TVs are just about dead
–– Need transfusion.

’Full House’ star Dave Coulier weds
–– Says vows in duck voice.

Adam Richman's Man Finds Food Pulled From Travel Channel After Instagram Rant
–– Specifically his pork.

Tim Howard: America’s new hero
–– We’ve always loved a loser.

Hobby Lobby still invests in birth control
–– Decorative wire hangers.

Aaron Hernandez is ‘Mr July’
–– In 2014 NRA calendar.

Monica Lewinsky: ‘I was a virgin to humiliation of that level’
–– ‘But a total attention whore.’

Pollution blamed for drop in Beijing tourism: Xinhua
–– Although smog makes getting head count difficult.

See the Terrifying ISIS Map Showing Their 5-Year Expansion Plan
–– Including Jihad World theme park in Orlando.

Minaj at BET Awards: I was recently near death
–– And it couldn’t stand me, either.

Man’s scrotum balloons to 100 pounds
–– He’s almost totally nuts.

Comedian Won't Be Prosecuted for Elbowing Woman at JFK, Officials Say
–– Was just ribbing her.

24 considered too old for this
–– Diapers.

Elton: Jesus would back gay marriage
–– Wouldn’t sing Don’t Let the Son Go Down on Me.

Tom Hanks Surprising Family History
–– By exposing family jewels.

Why Miss Delaware lost her crown
–– Low overpass.

‘There’s someone on top of the car’
–– Says Mitt to Ann Romney.

Evacuation slide deploys mid-flight
–– Passengers on cloud nine.

Dozens get trapped on SeaWorld ride
–– Smorgasbord for Shamu!

Nightmare nanny agrees to leave
–– When child awakes.

8 months pregnant in 800-meter race
–- Knocked up on first straightaway.

Muslims flipping the script in Hollywood
–– Making edits with AK-47s.

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