Headbangers 12/14
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Headbangers 03/14
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Headbangers 01/14
Headbangers 2013

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 06/27/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Shia LaBeouf Arrested at Broadway ‘Cabaret’ Performance
–– Answering critics who said he couldn’t get arrested on Broadway.

Obama: ‘I’m like a caged bear’
–– Made of velveteen.

Ice T: Coco’s booty is real, haters!
–– Can't he take backsided compliment?

New mammal found by accident
–– During Richard Gere colonoscopy.

Jay Leno Producer Reveals A-List Guests' Most Outrageous Demands
–– 1. To be interviewed by him again.

Jesus Is the Worst Thing to Happen to Christianity in Awhile
–– Sin forgiveness damages brand.

Why You Should Think Twice Before Doing CrossFit
–– If you can think twice.

Britney Spears, Sons Pose For Cute Photo: They're Getting So Big!
–– The kids, too!

Ann Coulter says Americans who care about the World Cup are 'a sign of the nation's moral decay'
–– And speaking foreign languages causes tooth decay.

Beyoncé Rocks Assless Onesie During On the Run Tour—See all of Her Looks!
–– Pic of Jay-Z removed from garment.

Man stabbed in back, goes to McDonald’s
–– Orders new McRibs.

How to vacation like royalty
–– Let servants sunburn.

Royal upgrade for William, Catherine and George costs $7.6 million
–– Includes hot tub and all the shrimp you can eat.

Facebook is 69% male and mostly white
–– And full of shit.

U.S. doubts North Korean missile claim
–– Has seen Kim Jong-un in shower.

Benghazi suspect nears U.S. shore
–– And boy, are his arms tired.

Shepherd to leave ‘The View’
–– Sheep expected to still watch.

Gary Oldman on ‘Kimmel’: ‘I’m an A-Hole … I Should Know Better’
–– ‘Right, I mean a flaming fuckwit of an A-Hole!’

Oldman still apologizing
–– ‘Did I mention dickwad?’

George Lucas chooses his museum site
–– Tatooine.

IKEA hikes min wage to nearly $11
–– Raise to be paid in Swedish meatballs.

Vasectomy part of guy’s plea deal
–– DA says, 'our tubes were tied.'

Zoo kills bear cub, will stuff it for kids
–– Testing laws against bestiality.

Lightning knocks guy out of boots
–– Friends remember him as 'grounded.'

Remember when these stars had hair?
–– Bigfoot?

Tea party sore loser may sue
–– Reality.

Why Boehner plans to sue Obama
–– Claims all the orange skin jokes constitute hate crime.

Watch jaw-dropping duck stampede
–– More bill-dropping.

China dog meat festival sparks outrage
–– Chow Chow off menu.

Katy Perry Offers to Write Hillary Clinton Campaign Theme Song
–– Entitled Roarer.

Katy Perry Hits Milestone With 72 Million Digital Single Sales
–– All the middle finger.

Hope Solo Arrested for Domestic Violence
–– Punches out brother Han.

Report: Polish minister says US ties worthless
–– Break when drunken, despondent Poles attempt suicide.

Peyton knows he’ll miss the huddle the most
–– And the butt pats.

’Duck Dynasty:’ Is There a Wedding in Store?
–– Why, is Paula Deen single again?

Florida Gov. Rick Scott Signs 'Pop-Tart' Gun Bill Into Law
–– Free Glocks in each box!

Aaron Hernandez taken for brief hospital visit
–– To cheer up mass murderers in psych ward.

Coca-Cola’s Latest Product Addresses The Biggest Criticism Of The Brand
–– Called 'Doesn’t Taste Like Coke.'

Why I put World of Warcraft on my resume
–– So I’d never have to date anyone at the office.

2013: Mafia fed live man to pigs
–– Their cousins.

Blind dog sees family after surgery
–– They go on several group dates.

Pope excommunicates mobsters
–– Except at Vatican bank.

Obama announces plan to save honey bees
–– Combing the countryside.

Drug gives bald man full head of hair.
–– And beard on his ass.

Week of 06/20/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

How the Top Iraqi Terrorist Was Helped by a Bush-Signed Agreement
–– With the note, "Heckuva job, al-Baghdadi.'

Gov. Perry grilled on gay comments
–– Talk about a weiner roast.

6-fingered family roots for Brazil's 6th World Cup
–– Gives them four thumbs up, each.

Terry Bradshaw: Benghazi Answers to Haunt Untruthful Clinton
–– Traumatic brain injury: Asinine comments to haunt clueless Bradshaw.

–– 'Cowabunga' already taken.

Brad Mills Traded from Brewers to A's for Reported $1
–– Milwaukee meant to send him to Bucks.

Beaver attack pulls man off kayak
–– Assailant had really done her Kegels.

Mike Tyson Disliked 'Game of Thrones' Finale
–– Except when Brienne bit off the Hound’s ear.

One-ton shark headed to Texas coast
–– Loves salted crackers.

Rowling latest victim of Amazon fight
–– Xena takes her down.

Gabby Giffords throws out 1st pitch
–– Beans cotton candy vendor in third row.

Quentin Tarantino to Co-Write Comic Book Series 'Django/Zorro'
–– Three-issue arc of Don Diego verbally sparring with Calvin Candy.

Lindsay Lohan Doesn’t Fly for Fashion Shows
–– She’s high enough already.

Former TV anchor will be queen
–– Don Lemon green with envy.

Nuns sue strip club neighbor
–– Threaten to spank dancers three times nightly.

One-cent stamp sells for $9.5M
–– In latest Post Office cost-cutting measure.

Tycoon offers cash to U.S. poor
— To ‘just go away.’

Japan passes law banning possession of child pornography
–– Pedzilla sulks.

PBS Plans to Add a Shorter Version of ‘Sesame Street’
–– For toddlers with ADD.

What’s on Your Reverse Bucket List?
–– 5. Resist clickbait like this.

Ice Cube is annoyed by Kevin Hart
–– Bringing total to 1 Billion.

Cheneys rip Obama on Iraq
–– To be sure they are wrong about absolutely everything related to the war.

Patent office cancels Redskins trademarks
–– Team owner Snyder: 'Me on heap big warpath!'

Sitting too long may raise cancer risk
–– Especially on radioactive isotopes.

‘The Situation’ charged after salon fight
–– Thought he was in saloon, and became unruly after downing 2 bottles of tanning oil.

A sometimes fatal habit in baseball
–– Shagging flies with your mouth.

Is Klarna the new PayPal?
–– Or latest Baratheon cousin in Game of Thrones?

University of Miami Recruiting 9-Year-Old Basketball Star Jaden Newman
–– She’s already reading above school’s senior grade level.

Mini, jumping drones fly over NYC
–– Getting Cooper in air the trick.

One husband’s quiet suffering
–– Good, I don’t want to hear about it.

GM recalls another 3.4 million vehicles
–– Including some Fords, just for the heck of it.

Paul Bremer: Obama is to blame
–– For not pursuing war crimes charges against me.

Cantor: I’ll vote for Brat
–– With mustard and kraut.

Advancements in Regenerative Medicine Have Made Artificial Vaginas A Possibility
–– Which will be fully dildo-compatible.

4 years after the Deepwater Horizon accident, positive signs continue to emerge
–– Along with massive toxic globules of gelid oil.

Actress gets licked by Richard Simmons
–– In a thumb war.

More ‘SNL’ cast changes coming
–– In rearranging-furniture-on-Titanic spoof.

Don’t keep your phone in your pocket
–– Just be happy to see me.

Shrimp-based invention new step in plastic
–– Latest prawn star.

Mesmerizing video of star explosion
–– Bieber opens mouth.

Russia cuts off natural gas to Ukraine
–– Putin shuts mouth.

Goldman’s Blankfein: Income inequality is ‘destabilizing'
–– ‘And I LOVE it!’

Pastor Says Parents Should 'Alienate' Gay Kids, 'Turn Them Over To Satan'
–– Satan will thank you.

WWE Legend Pat Patterson Comes Out As Gay
–– Explains all those pats.

Woman who drove with dying man on car gets prison
–– Hood ornament defense fails.

Christie tries to move past scandal with comedy
–– But he can't get around it –– it's even bigger than him.

Alex Trebek Sets Guinness World Record for ‘Jeopardy’
–– What’s ‘a rut’, Alex?

Texas homeowner solves mansion cliff-hanger by burning down the house
–– Same solution recommended to DC Congressmen.

Meth pours into Central California as liquid
–– Fresno still slowest place on west coast.

Dr. Oz: World’s Best Snake Oil Salesman
–– Open wide and say Oz.

Shep Smith Gives Iraq Hawks A History Lesson
–– A chicken hawk should know.

Jetblue’s answer to first class
–– ‘Screw you.’

Road out of Mosul a virtual parking lot
–– With virtual valets in balaclavas.

Hillary Clinton snaps at NPR host
–– And nips at her sensible shoes.

Week of 06/13/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Robert Kardashian Hid Damning Evidence Against O.J. Simpson: Victim's Dad
–– In Kim's butt crack.

Inside Virgin Galactic’s newest passenger spaceship
–– It's rocket’s first time.

Fairy circles nature's greatest mystery?
–– Wish he'd stop flitting around.

Bush at 90: Martini, skydive, service
–– Funeral service?

Arizona store employee discovers brain tumor after he’s pistol-whipped
–– Procedure recommended for Wayne LaPierre.

Chris Christie, Jimmy Fallon dance around testy issues
–– Christie couldn’t find his.

Bitcoin ATMs coming to the U.S.
–– Will dispense IOUs in denominations of $20.

'Under the Dome': Stephen King reads opening of season 2 premiere script
–– For first time, and he wrote it.

Lowe’s announces 3-D ‘holorooms’
–– ‘For the assholo in you!’

Harrison Ford Injured on the 'Star Wars: Episode VII' Set
–– He tripped using his AT-AT Walker.

Warp-speed spaceship? Maybe
–– Trekkie clickbait? Definitely.

Kathie Lee & Hoda: We’re ‘honored’ people are naming bodyparts after us
–– Claim while scratching their ‘kotbs.’

DEATHLY QUIET: NRA mouthpiece Wayne LaPierre silent as new details surrounding high school shooter emerge
–– Won’t ‘shoot mouth off.’

Shelley Sterling’s wild perks if sale of LA Clippers goes through include title ‘Clippers Number 1 Fan’ and SIX parking spots
–– Now she won’t even need her $1 billion cut.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry compares homosexuality to alcoholism at San Francisco event
–– Was drunk, a little gay, when he said it.

Kim Jong Un to North Korean weather forecasters: Get it right
–– Sentences cumulonimbi to work camp.

Texas Rangers Ask Fans Not to Do Wave During Game to Prevent Injuries
–– Especially when holding semi-automatic weapons.

6 things that worry Dr. Doom
–– 4. Who the fuck is Toby Kebbell?

Dave Chapelle: I didn’t quit
–– I blacked out for seven years.

Horses injected with gasoline
–– Jockeys light matches under their tails at starting gate.

Airlines adds beds, tapas to flights
–– And plenty more bathrooms.

Millennials ‘overwhelmed’ by debt
–– Owe, the pain!

Cantor loses, drops leadership post
–– Rabbi hums Avinu Malkeinu himself.

Could a magnet save your life?
–- It’s an attractive idea.

Paula Deen to host new TV show – – online
–– Available on white iPad’s only.

Mayor sorry for tossing bag of poo
–– When he wasn’t campaigning.

Moles may predict breast cancer risk
–- Moles with crystal balls.

Ted Cruz no longer Canadian
–– Still Cretin.

Meet an atheist … who believes in God
–– And a headline writer who doesn’t know what an atheist is.

What is it like to be schizophrenic?
–– Sufferers of two minds.

Doctor could lose license for sexting during surgery
–– Messaged: ‘I’m inside the patient, wish it was you.’

Children fed dog treats at school
–– Obedience school.

11 signs it’s a Tom Cruise movie
–– 5. Beards.

5 surprising facts about O.J.’s chase
–– 4. His Bronco averaged 11 MPG.

11 Things Every Woman Should Tell Her Gyno
–– 8. Slower, and a little bit to the left.

World’s Oldest Man Dies in New York City at 111
–– Neighbor, 109, asks if apartment is available.

Spike in kids illegally entering U.S.
–– Must be surgically removed.

Human remains found in crocodile
–– Along with alarm clock, hook.

Egypt’s new President vows to 'correct the mistakes of the past’
–– ‘Mistakes’ flee country.

Texas Republicans favor ‘reparative therapy’ platform for gays
–– And ‘reparative brain surgery’ for themselves.

Man does CPR on drowning squirrel
–– Which was not drowning until it was held at bottom of pond receiving CPR.

Pete Rose to manage … for 1 day
–– His gambling habit.

Belmont Stakes 2014: California Chrome co-owner Steve Coburn rants after loss: 'This is the coward’s way out'
–– California Chrome: ‘Let me turn around so you can say hi to my co-owner.’

Meet Pepper, the emotional robot
–– Blowing fuse, again.

11 ways to be a terrible bride
–– 9. Make the best man pay.

‘Wheel of Fortune’ player blows puzzle
–– Puzzle ‘gratified.’

Week of 06/06/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Reports: Apple's iWatch Coming This October
–– Bigfoot spotted sporting rumored device.

Emily Blunt: I almost killed Tom Cruise
–– In bid to bump up Q-rating.

Baby tied to a train photo: Here comes the bride, her baby to her gown is tied
–– Train of gown tied to baby is.

Syrians wage ‘war of tunnels’ for Damascus
–– In latest slang for extreme diarrhea.

This giant rat will haunt your dreams
–– If you're really into rodents.

Ex-UNC star alleges academic fraud
–– Or ‘akademmac frowd.’

LeBron’s cramps inspire viral meme
–– Thankfully, the subsequent dribbling didn’t.

He caught a 300-pound grouper?
–– Meatloaf? Oh, thought it said ‘groupie.’

Thought extinct for 4 million years, found living in New Zealand
–– Sauron!

These are the MOST Adorable Puppies YOU WILL EVER SEE
–– So you can gouge your eyes out after clicking on them.

Check your ‘cat-lady’ preconceptions about childless women
–– Unless they revolve around birthing litters.

Drew Brees Bears an Uncanny Resemblance to Former President Rutherford B. Hayes
–– And calls signals just like Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Supervisor threatens to hang worker for drinking from ‘white people’ fountain
–– At LA Clippers HQ.

Vladimir Putin Has Weird, Sexist Words for Hillary Clinton
–– That kinda turn her on.

Woman buried alive after worst first date ever
–– He made her pay for shovel.

Justin Bieber Sings About Killing Black People, Joining KKK
–– Tea Party recruits him to run against Clay Aiken in North Carolina.

Scientists Say ‘Printing’ Humans May Be The Best Way To Conquer Space
–– If mankind can afford toner.

Leonardo DiCaprio Refused to Be Filmed for Keeping Up With the Kardashians
–– Unless it was a sex tape.

Sex and soccer: Should teams abstain during the World Cup?
–– At midfield, yes.

Harvard book bound in human skin
–– With a hard spine.

Heads roll at GM over botched recall
–– And they’re still safer than the cars.

BBC Orders Zombie Apocalypse Game Show
–– Schedules Masterbeast Theatre.

Why Fake Nicolas Cage Movies Got Shopped at Canners
–– Because no one would buy real ones.

Lara Logan Back at Work on ’60 Minutes’
–– Destroying vestiges of credibility.

Blue Angels dove into porn
–– Flying on a wank and a prayer.

Who is Slenderman?
–– That creepy actor from the Road Trip movies?

Harry Caray's Diary from 1972 Contains Log of 288 Consecutive Days of Barhopping
–– Hit lots of pitchers.

What kills people who live to 100
–– Remembering where the sleeping pills are kept.

Tesla’s Elon Musk not going anywhere
–– Because he’s in a Tesla.

Judge challenges lawyer to a fight!
–– Teams clear the bench!

U.S. soon to recover all jobs lost in crisis
–– Except editors for.

Fidel Castro to Cubans: Keep me in the loop
–– CCs note to Che Guevara and Nikita Khrushchev.

New York Mets Eat 103 Cheesesteaks in 1 Day, Shatter Record Books in Philadelphia
–– Spend extra innings in double-head.

GM posts best sales since 2008
–– Plans to run down old folks to further boost sales.

NASA discovers ‘Mega-Earth’
–– In script for crappy CW series.

California Chrome Owners Sign Sponsorship Deal with Skechers
–– Shoes will only be available in double pairs.

Kasem hospitalized; wife throws meat
–– In latest slang for hand job.

Dan Marino sues NFL over concussions
-– In attempt to explain his broadcasting career.

Topless photos latest travel rage
–– Especially in countries with legalized beheadings.

’Jesus Christ Superstar’ arena tour abruptly canceled
–– God is merciful.

John Daly Estimates He Gambled Away $55 Million in Less Than 2 Decades
–– Caesars inscribes his name on urinal.

7 traits the rich have in common
–– 7. Luck. 6-1. Lots of money

Justin Bieber apologizes for racist joke
–– Him acting black.

Big Papi calls pitcher ‘little girl’
–– Pitcher replies: ‘Who’s your Papi?’

‘Thou shalt not’ clauses rankle teachers
–– Kills ‘em.

Black bear reclines in a hammock
–– Paul Ryan accuses him of laziness.

Cruz wins GPR straw poll
–– Appropriate for straw man.

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