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Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 01/31/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Toronto’s Crack-Smoking Mayor Rob Ford Defends Justin Bieber
–– Finally, a role model!

Helen Mirren twerks at Harvard
–– Shakes like hasty pudding.

Obama: I will act if Congress doesn't
–– Lands role in remake of Story of O.

Cause of Air Force evacuation: food
–– It's bombs away after chef serves SOS.

Bags of body parts found on road
–– Near Dismembers Only Outlet.

Pink, princessy and too sexy too soon
–– Russian press slams U.S. Men’s Olympic Figure Skating team.

Mom: We could smell deterioration
–– Sat next to Madonna on plane.

’People were barfing all over the place’
–– Sat one row back.

Man smuggles 40,000 piranhas into U.S.
–– On Carnivore Cruise ship.

Chocolate toothpaste on way
–– Tooth decay confused.

Food stamps: how House, Senate negotiators agreed to cut $800 million a year
–– Over beluga caviar, 16 oz. Wagyu strip steak, butter-poached lobster tail, and creamed shit.

The Top 5 Marijuana Web Sites
–– eBud, Facedbook, Bong, Instantgram, PayPot.

10 Surprising Things Divorced Men Have in Common
–– 7. Improved hearing.

The guy who turned down a $4 million shark offer
–– He always was hammerheaded.

Husband’s Plumbing Help Results In Leaky Marriage
–– His urologist stripped a nut.

Could Justin Bieber be deported?
–– Back to Tweensylvania.

Freezing? You’ll feel better after drinking this
–– Prestone Coolant.

UNC: We failed students ‘for years’
–– No, you should have failed students for years.

Justin Bieber egg probe ‘tightening up’
–– Like a vigorously beaten meringue.

New York congressman threatens to throw reporter off balcony
–– To help him meet deadline.

Sperm donor must pay child support to lesbian couple, court rules
–– Judge: We spanked the monkey.

Truth behind the Werewolf Diet
–– You’ll still have a full moon.

Sienna Miller is contrite, topless
–– Even her tits are sorry.

’Meredith Vieira Show’ Taps Rich Sirop As Showrunner
–– Will ‘pour himself all over job.’

Sochi ‘most corrupt Games ever’
–– Russia takes home gold.

Feds arrest Bitcoin exchange CEO
–– To question him on what the hell Bitcoin is.

Most godless cities in U.S.
–– Sin Francisco, Immodesto, Hell Paso, Corpus Antichristi, Witchita.

The Dark Side Of Broccoli And Kale
–– Sith vegetable medley.

Cops try to ID decapitated man
–– Not making headway.

Court: Serial liar Glass can’t be lawyer.
–– Court: No, really, we’re just screwing with you –– he can be Attorney General.

Shark culling begins in Australia
–– By culler whales.

What’s Hilary Clinton’s biggest regret?
–– Bill, even after losing all that weight.

Pope’s peace doves attacked
–– Satan.

The Feds, the Supremes, Same-Sex Marriage and Utah
–– One of these things is like another.

No Gay People in Sochi, Mayor Claims
–– Russia has everyone bummed out.

Thieves steal Pope John Paul’s blood from Italy church
–– Polish vampires perish commiting crime in broad daylight.

10 Things to NOT Say to Your Vet
–– 5. ‘Can you shave me down there?’

Florida Pol Wants Obama Hanged
–– Demand by black candidate Black: Racist or merely insane?

Ronan Farrow’s MSNBC Show to Premiere Feb. 24
–– First episode: Molesters who marry their step-daughters.

China’s imperiled Jade Rabbit moon rover: ‘Goodnight, humanity’
–– ‘Goodnight stars; Goodnight air; Goodnight noises everywhere.’

Leno: Eventually you get screwed
–– ’Took me until I was 42.’

Why I took my kid to a tattoo parlor
–– To etch ‘No’ on palm of right hand.

War on rich likened to Holocaust
–– With Cristalnacht and Canyon Ranch Concentration Camp.

Police: Man flushed millions down toilet
–– Plus-size women were hardest.

Abuse on Animal Planet show?
–– By monkeys of themselves.

Bieber in Panama: egging decision near
–– Expected to vote to pelt him.

French President set to split?
–– In deux.

Teacher spiked potluck with pot, police said
–– Wanted to teach high school.

Russia hires 1,000 Cossacks as police
–– And 1,000 hassocks as barriers.

Courtney Love Wins Twitter Defamation Trial
–– Defense: ‘How could anything defame her.’

See Rodman gifts for Kim Jong Un
–– Chicago Bulls jersey, elevator high tops, Donald Trump hair piece.

Week of 01/24/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Sochi Security Slalom Shows Terror Risk With Putin on Guard
–– Promises Gold in Skeleton competition.

Cheapest place in the world is…
–– Britney Spears' lingerie closet.

Sperm bank shocker: You're my sister!
–– Cum on!

Inmates on bread and water for dissing flag
–– Warden: "They'll see stars and have stripes on their backs when ah'm done with 'em."

Patti LaBelle Slams Today's Divas as "Little Heifers Who Can't Sing"
–– Singers cowed by remarks.

Source: Bieber blew below 0.08%
–– But they were extremely satisfied.

GOP makes big changes for 2016
–– Moves party calendar forward to 1916.

U.S. Olympic uniforms ‘hideous’?
–– Maybe it’s the anti-bomb body armor.

Early Mars may have been habitable
–– To the ancestors of Dennis Rodman.

Mike Huckabee’s ‘libido’ controversy
–– Loving Jesus got icky.

JPMorgan's Dimon gets 74% pay hike despite legal woes
–– To match offer from Juárez Cartel.

Paleo Diets Pros and Cons
–– Con: Finding fresh mastodon.

Deformed Kitten Gets New Start
–– As Pussy Riot.

Time to forgive Glenn Beck?
–– Why, has Hell frozen over?

Cafeteria Worker May Serve Time in Alleged $1M Theft
–– Unless she returns 100,000,0000 straws.

Tori Spelling’s Husband Dean McDermott in rehab
–– For addiction to a pill.

Japan PM defends dolphin slaughter
–– ‘The steaks are high, but delicious.’

Captain & Tennille file for divorce
–– She charges intolerable cruelty: ‘He removed his cap!’

Feds: 665,000 background checks failed
–– Which explains Snowden, the IRS and Biden.

Ex-Shell Oil president: ‘I felt extorted’
–– ‘Which helps me identify with our customers.’

Torture photos are fake, Syria says
–– No Assad signature on bodies.

Why Gabrielle Union is on a porn diet
–– For the protein.

Mystery doughnut rock spotted on Mars
–– Near Coolatta ice cap.

Amazon to ship BEFORE you buy?
–– BEFORE you’re born.

Top pope ally urges Vatican doctrine chief to loosen up
–– Unbutton your cassock, kick off your slippers and crack open a bottle of holy water.

Japanese airline sorry over ‘racist’ commercial
–– Refers to overnight flight from LA as the ’round eye’.

Woman Prefers Solitary Life, Despite Husbands Protests
–– Had to go to prison to get away from him.

Caregiver Tattooes Kids While Mom, Boyfriend Are Out: Cops
–– She couldn't remember their faces. Or how to spell tattoos.

Modell’s Sporting Goods forced to donate $500,000 in Patriots AFC championship clothing
–– To Belichickistan.

See Richard Sherman explode
–– After covering a bomb.

Velveeta Cheesy Skillets recalled
–– By emergency room patient doubled over in pain.

Actress missing body part in photo
–– And she was so fond of her head.

U.S. warships part of Sochi contingency
–– To take out U.S. rivals in cross-country.

’Bachelor’ star: Gays are ‘pervert’
–– Gays: ‘Bachelor’ stars are ‘cretin'.

Why antlers in murder scenes?
–– Ask Bullwinkle.

Cruise industry’s dirty secret
–– He’s a S-c-i-e-n-t-o-l-o-g-i-s-t. Shhh!

Walt Disney’s Grandniece Agrees With Meryl Streep: He Was ‘Racist’
–– Paid Mickey half as much as Donald.

Sex ed poster too explicit?
–– Dry humped by student.

Oliver Stone drops out of MLK movie
–– Not enough shooters in script.

Is Pope Francis open to exorcism?
–– With consenting demons.

Why the ‘Jekyll-and-Hyde’ weather?
–– Meteorologists ran out of stupid metaphors?

NTSB: Bright lights sent pilots astray
–– Was actually flight attendant’s high beams.

Do babies belong in 3-star restaurant?
–– On the menu?

MLK ‘twerk’ posters spark outrage
–– With caption: “I’ve been to the mountaintop and I’ve shaken the promised thang.’

911 operator hangs up on frantic call
–– Publishers Clearing House on other line.

Week of 01/17/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Oscars 2014 surprises: 'Wolf of Wall Street' as best picture?
–– And Jonah Hill as best supporting wanker?

She won $50K twerking scholarship
–– To ASSU.

Joanna Krupa on Waiting to Have a Baby: "I Think I'm Going to Freeze My Eggs"
–– "And keep them away from Justin Bieber."

Dogs Vs. Cats: Which Makes the Best Pet?
–– Who rains supreme?

Woman wearing Google Glass while driving avoids ticket
–– But not derision.

McDonald's responds to loitering elderly customers
–– By grinding them into McGeezers.

Russell Johnson, Professor On 'Gilligan's Island,' Dead At 89
–– We lost him.

Hiroo Onoda, Soldier Who Hid in Jungle for Decades, Dies at 91
–– After hearing Professor was gone.

Porsche Created A Mesmerizing Way To Open Up Its New 911
–– With an Emergency Call.

Widower Pays it Forward to a Couple Who Reminded Him of His Marriage
–– In bounced alimony checks.

10 Messiest Dog Breeds
Irish Shitter, Chinese Crusted, Finnish Spits, Cacapoo, Dirtie Dinmont Terrier, Italian Grimehound, Rotweiler, Messtiff Welsh Stinker Spaniel, Pig.

91210 actor joins Chippendales
–– Used to having junk displayed.

California in worst drought in about 100 years –– residents asked to cut water 20%
–– Firemen to replace pool boys in porn.

Michelle Obama ‘ever-evolving’ at 50
–– Has grown two new eyes.

Killer will be executed with new drugs
–– Guaranteed to only kill guilty.

62 dogs crammed into minivan
–– There goes new car smell.

Can you really ‘try’ atheism for a year?
–– Believe it or not.

Zoo: Bananas not healthy for monkeys
–– Feeding them Rhesus pieces.

Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Taylor Swift to Perform at Grammy Awards
–– John, George spin disks, in graves.

Who Gets to Decide when Life Has Ended?
–– The wife.

NY woman gets one year in jail for punching Wal-Mart greeter
–– Snarls, “Here’s how you can help me!”

Six Wedding Gifts You Never Think of Asking
–– 4. Bi Thai hookers.

X-Ray Reveals Hundreds of Gold Needles in Woman’s Knees
–– Dr. John: Walk on gilded splinters.

‘Lil Za’ cuffed in Bieber raid
–– Named Drug Za.

Pizza Hut serving up single slices
–– Still enough to sicken you.

The 17 Most Influential Burgers of All Time
–– 13. Chief Justice Warren E.

‘Duck Dynasty’s’ black supporters
–– Mergansers.

Golden Globes: Walking to the Stage Took Up 10 Percent of Broadcast
–– The most entertaining part.

Flavor Flav Arrested While Driving To His Mother’s Funeral
–– Even with clock around neck, he ran late.

Pastor gives 1 min. sermon. Why?
–– God is merciful?

King Tut’s Mummified Penis Hints at Political Struggle?
–– Inserection?

Archaeologists might have found bone of England's King Alfred the Great
–– Doesn't hint at political struggle.

Justin Bieber accused of egg attack
–- On one of Selena Gomez’.

Pope: It’s OK to breastfeed in church
–– In lieu of taking communion.

Meet The Landmine-Hunting Giant Rats Of Mozambique
–– AKA Boomtown Rats.

Prisoners sickened by bad chicken
–– And its vicious behavior.

Estranged son goes for Woody Allen’s jugular
–– Real father Dracula, not Sinatra.

Alex Rodriguez suspended 162 games
–– As PEDophile.

Man has cockroach pulled from ear in 10-minute procedure because he didn’t want it in there
–– Had it implanted in left nostril instead.

8 Soups That Will Keep You Warm All Winter Long
–– 4. Fukushima leek soup.

6 Things Pet Owners Do that Drive Veterinarians Nuts
–– 2. Ask them if they trust their doctor.

Red Hot Chili Peppers added to Super Bowl halftime show in an attempt to appeal to “older” viewers
–– Who can’t digest them.

Girl petitions for disabled doll
–– Who uses candy cane.

3-hour orgasm sends woman to ER
–– Nurse: Come again?

Week of 01/10/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Apologetic Chris Christie on Bridge Flap; ‘I Am Not a Bully’
–– ‘And I’ll sit on you if you call me one.’

Letterman smooches Amy Poehler
–– She wipes dust from her lips.

Michelle Wie unveils her latest weird putting stance
–– Grips club without hands.

Death threats and denial for woman who showed college athletes struggle to read
–– Not written ones.

Strip-searched Indian diplomat indicted
–– Police: 'Sari.'

Ancient Nursery of Bizarre Spoon-Billed Sharks Discovered
–– Born with silver spoons in bills.

Who Are Ex-Cops Accused of Faking Disabilities to Get paid?
–– New York’s Vilest.

Imprisoned Pennsylvania man seeks injunction to remove San Diego Chargers from playoffs
–– State seeks injection to remove him from living.

Woman Goes to the Gym for 100 Days, and Here Are Her Incredible Results
–– Stage 4 athlete’s foot.

Police: Drunk sitter left tot in cold
–– Scotched on the rocks.

Gay U.S. star: Hating yourself damaging
–– But Phil Robertson should try it.

Rodman serenades North Korea’s Kim
–– Sings ‘Happy Birthday’ breathily in a blonde wig and slinky, form-fitting gown.

Honey Boo Boo in a car crash
–– After 2 seasons in a train wreck.

Author: Ailes offered raise for sex
–– Shep Smith: “Again?”

Gates: Obama lost faith in war strategy
–– Offering highest praise possible.

Cops: Thug culture seen in cussing tot
–– “I wuv you, Mofo!”

What Satanists would put in statehouse
–– Governor Chris Antichristie.

Girl’s tongue gets stuck on flagpole
–– Miley a foot from pole when it happened.

Michael Bay has mini-meltdown
–– In IMAX Digital 3-D!

Hunter: I killed the real Bigfoot!
–– With Thor’s hammer!

How losing jobless benefits hurts
–– Yes, please explain that to us.

HK movie mogul Run Run Shaw dies at 107
–– Or ReRun as he was known to his closest friends.

Baby slapper gets 8 months in prison
–– Slammer cuffed.

‘Polar Vortex’ Sends Shivers Across U.S.
–– As it replaces Polar Gore-Tex in winter gloves.

Steven Seagal Weighs Run for Arizona Governor
–– Brags: “I weigh more.”

Lena Dunham Slams Shia LeBeouf on Twitter: “Only Sociopaths Hire Skywriters”
–– Pleads: “Wanna be my boyfriend?”

U.S. To Support Iraq, But Without Troops
–– Airlifting 20,000 ‘Hang In There!’ kitty posters.

40 Things I Can Do At 40 That I Couldn’t When I Was 20
–– 37. Touch my knees without using my hands.

Miley Cyrus Makes Out With Female Backup Dancer At Britney Spears’ Concert
–– From across room.

FedEx driver does WHAT to parcel?
–– He absolutely, positively had to pee there.

Angela Merkel hurt in skiing accident
–– Merkel on ice.

NY Post’s headline on slain man offends
–– Editor hands out bonuses.

Liz Cheney drops out
–– After turning on and tuning in.

After schism, a question: Can atheist churches last?
–– Oxymoronically.

Jeff Bezos evacuated off Galapagos Islands for kidney stones
–– Where he was searching for his tortoise ancestors.

U.S. man tries to sell stolen brains
–– Authorities get the wrong idea.

‘Bill Nye the Science Guy’ to Debate Evolution at Kentucky’s Creation Museum
–– With ‘Bubba Jo the Simple Guy.’

The Lazy Girl’s Cleanse
–– Liquid-Plumr.

Church must not create selfish ‘little monster’ priests, pope says
–– Bans Lady Gaga recordings in seminaries.

Is It Remotely Plausible That Kim Jong-un Had His Uncle Eaten By 120 Dogs?
–– And then cooked and served them to Dennis Rodman at a state dinner? Sure.

Seven Seeds You Should Be Eating
–– 4. Man’s.

Man Is Turned Off By Gal Pal’s Resemblance To Mom
–– Oedipus wrecks.

Man’s blood alcohol content too high for police to measure
–– Breathalyzer combusts.

Comedian ‘Not Sorry’ for Pearl Harbor Joke on NBC’s New Year’s Eve Special
–– She’s used to bombing.

Kitten quickly disables pig
–– By unplugging tail from outlet.

What Your Dog Is Really Thinking When He Poops
–– “Howzabout a little privacy here, huh?”

Pope Francis leaves New Year’s voice mail for nuns in Spain
–– Begs them to change old habits.

Amazon at war with monster porn
–– The Wanking Dead, Sascrotch, King Dong.

Ke$ha in rehab for eating disorder
–– Everyone asks her to keep it down.

Leo’s new movie breaks f-bomb record
–– Previously held by Orson Welles' The F**king Magnificent Ambersons.

Week of 01/03/14

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Surge Pricing as Colorado's Pot Sellers Open for Business
What a rush!

1 dead in suspected WWII bomb blast
–– This just in?

'Imitation of Life' actress dies at 99
–– And she's not faking it.

What Is the Current State of Pro Wrestling Heading Into 2014?
–– It’s hard to pin down.

Despite Losses and Holes, the New York Yankess Are a Better Team Heading Into 2014
–– Even with A-Hole at third?

Shia LaBeouf Apologizes to Daniel Clowes Via Skywriting
–– Not enough sky available to apologize to movie-going public.

Incredible technology: How to Mine Water on Mars
–– Extremely long straws.

Sharpshooters to renew deer cull in heart of Washington D.C.
–– Starting at Hart Senate Office Building.

Bottlenose Dolphins Oiled by Deepwater Horizon Spill are Dying
–– But at least they don't squeak.

I bought the Merlot of pot
–– From Ernest and Julio Ganja.

Francis drew 6.6 million to Vatican in 2013, three times Benedict
–– Offered exclusive contract by Caesar’s Atlantic City.

N. Korea’s Kim vows to build ‘world-class’ structures
–– That world being Barsoom.

This truck is made almost entirely from ice
–– Including engine block.

Wal-Mart recalls donkey product in China after fox meat scandal
–– Ass burgers removed from shelves.

Three Women Lose Half Their Body Weight
–– If two of them gain back a quarter of their body weight, how much will the third one weigh?

‘Baboon Syndrome’: An Unusual Complication of Antibiotics
–– Just don’t wear a thong.

‘Dead’ banker’s shocking new look
–– Double-breasted pinstripe suit with no back.

Giant yellow duck explodes in Taiwan…again
–– Had Taipei personality.

Pope Francis Is Esquire’s ‘Best Dressed Man of 2013’
–– Dalai Lama throws hissy fit.

Dolphins caught chewing on fish to get high
–– Stonefish, longnose sucker, pufferfish, molly.

Once-Conjoined Twins thrive After Surgery
–– As split personalities.

PETA vs. SeaWorld at Rose Parade
–– Orca swallows naked chick.

Official: Condition of ex-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who has been in a coma since 2006, has worsened
–– In a manner of speaking.

Black Bear Visits Florida Man’s Home Twice
–– Forgot casserole the first time.

MSNBC Host Makes Fun of Mitt Romney’s Black Grandson
–– Ex-candidate denies strapping him to car roof.

Women pick celibacy, become men
–– In unrelated stories.

Tim Tebow hired by ESPN
–– To do pray-by-pray.

Bloomberg signs his last 22 bills
–– All $100,000 ones.

Neo-Nazi dad demands child services hand back his baby girl named Eva Braun - or he’ll just keep having more babies
–– And feeding them the final solution.

Pa. Man Admits Beating ‘Amish Mafia’ Star
–– Horse and buggy whipped him.

China’s local debt hits $3 trillion
–– U.S.: “We are #1!”

Ouch! Cricket ball hits CNN anchor
–– Jiminy held on own recognizance.

7 workout habits you should drop now
–– 6. Cleaning and jerking love muscle in public gym.

Pot stores opening in Colorado
–– Mile-high City jokes about Denver banned.

Jesse Palmer had to give Chris Fowler the Heimlich at halftime of the Pinstripe Bowl
–– Coughs up ball.

Kanye West Vows to Not “Talk S--t” for “Six Months, At Least”
–– Not counting this s--t.

Beijing bun shop gets China’s president as diner
–– He’s steamed.

CJ Wilson’s Zombie-Proof Mazda CX-5
–– With rubberized undeadcoating.

2 boys photobombed by shark in Manhattan Beach
–– With suspected ties to Al Qaeda.

Gun Ban At Country Star Toby Keith’s Newest Restaurant Causes Outcry
–– Shooters still served at bar.

The FBI Warns Retailers About Thieves Armed With Foil
–– And a Reynolds Wrap sheet as long as your arm.

Bruce Springsteen Accidentally Pulled a Beyoncé
–– Her right one.

Cruz trying to drop Canadian citizenship
–– Crushed Rob Ford: "Don't go!"

Century-old pics found in Antarctic hut
–– Of Scott, Shackleton and a polar bear “warming up.”

Al Qaeda on the rebound
–– After break up with bin Laden.

Florida breathing down New York’s neck
–– It smells of Mylanta, gator steaks and meth.

Brain dead, but kept alive
–– In jar marked R. Paul.

Man in drag cracks airport security
–– And cracks it up.

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