Headbangers 12/13
Headbangers 11/13
Headbangers 10/13
Headbangers 09/13
Headbangers 08/13
Headbangers 07/13

Headliners 2011-2012
Headliners 2010-2009
Headliners 2008
Headliners 2007

Week of 10/25/13

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Report says NSA monitored 35 world leaders, on heels of Merkel spying claim
–– And never paid roaming charges!

Uproar over 'girly' Marine uniform change
–– Kevlar panty liners.

Holiday in an East German Bunker
–– aka Club Red.

Boogie, the Dog Who Received Half Marathon Medal, Dies
–– Boogie down.

Snooki, Baby Lorenzo, Fiance Jionni Lavalle Dress as Wizard of Oz Characters For Halloween: Pictures
Three flying monkeys with air sickness bags.

Dean McDermott Slams Vasectomy Quote: Tori Spelling and I Aren't Broke
–– 'But that quote's still pretty high.'

TV couples we wish were real
–– Sofia Vergara's.

It's not you, doctors are just rude
No, really, it's you.

Police: Mom sold 12 daughters' virginity
–– In Dirty Dozen special.

Resident: Bigfoot moved my couch
–– 'And I forgot to tip him!'

See ‘goo’ on pitcher’s glove
–– He uses it for his 'backdoor slider.'

Where Sen. Cruz gets his insurance
–– Inhumana.

Photo: AG among shirtless teens
–– Along with Catholic bishop and college football coach.

Bishop loses paternity lawsuit, quits
–– Immaculate conception defense failed.

McD’s helps workers get food stamps
–– And McSlave wages.

Study: First-borns are smarter
–– Oh, sure, just ask the Bushes.

Cat smuggles drugs to prisoners
–– Adorable YouTube video goes viral.

You won’t believe what’s in U.S. rivers
–– Hint: It’s wet!

Beyond Doritos and Taco Bell: 4 More Amazing Fast-Food Mashups Worth Trying
–– 2. Pezza-Hut.

Prince George christened
–– Queen Elizabeth breaks an itsy-bitsy champagne bottle across his brow.

Enigmatic Dickinson Revealed Online
–– In Emily’s 1850 selfie.

Terror fears for Russia Olympics
–– Putin: 'We worry about pussy riot in male figure skaters' locker room.'

Stocks rise on stimulus hopes
–– Wall Street hookers run $500-an-hour specials.

Dolphins killed for shark bait
–– A second string linemen and the kicker.

Dolly Parton tired, sore after car wreck
–– Her last movie.

From a mouse’s back: baldness cure?
–– Or tiny, tiny toupees?

Cee Lo Green Charged with Supplying Ecstasy
–– And not with his music.

How Safe Is Cycling? It’s Hard to Say

Boulder toppler wants disability
–– Based on a diagnosis of acute moronism.

FBI probes mid-flight laser suspects
–– Darth Vader detained on Death Star.

Pastor pulls gun on robbery suspect
–– Instructs thug: ‘Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.’

Oasis found in Southern ‘food desert’
–– Brothers Gallagher totally lost.

‘SNL’ faces discrimination claims
–– Against people with a sense of humor.

Buying breast milk online? Beware
–– It’s really hard to download.

Ke$ha’s crotch shocked on stage
–– When black pussy crosses in front of it.

Hazmat crew called to NFL locker room
–– To the toilet stall of 403 lb. Ram Terrell Brown.

Dick Cheney opens up about his heart
– His alleged heart.

Chinese babies sold for iPhones, shoes
–– Chinese paper weights sold for Blackberries.

Flying car to go on sale in 2015
–– Runs on helium.

Watch men break ancient formation
–– In the Giants’ backfield.

Cruz: Senators failed House GOP
–– Screams, ‘What kind of co-dependents are you?’

Saturday morning cartoon pioneer dies
–– Dora the ex-explorer.

Cartel figure killed by a clown?
–– Coca the clown.

Plane full of skydivers crashes
–– Aw, chute!

Rare ‘sea monster’ beaches
–– Gerard Depardieu washes ashore in Black Sea.

Ted Cruz gets threats on Twitter
–– But they’re too long for him to read.

Lionfish infestation growing in Atlantic
–– Over the bounding mane.

‘Mockingbird’ novelist sues museum
–– Exasperated museum: ‘That’s why they call her Harper.’

Week of 10/18/13

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Al Gore Got Drunk One Night In 2009 And Tried To Buy Twitter
–– Got way drunker and decided to hold onto Current TV.

10 reasons why Texas is our future
–– 5. Brain-eating parasites.

Weiner: ‘I’m just an empty, soulless vessel’
–– ‘With a loaded, fleshy vessel. Wanna see?’

House Stenographer Yanked From Chamber Ranting About God, Freemasons
–– Offered Speakership.

How to make John Boehner cave on immigration
–– Have illegals roll back the big rock and crawl in.

A Rare Saber-Toothed Whale Washed Ashore in California
–– Along with a humpback tiger.

Why are Germans seen as rude? The Country explains
–– “Who vants to know?”

Cops: Air marshal took upskirt photos
–– Searching for the notorious Osama bin Hoohah.

Human remains at Victoria’s Secret?
–– No, just another undernourished model.

Michael Bay Attacked on ‘Transformers 4’ Set in Hong Kong
–– By critics who had seen 1 through 3.

School cafeteria sex act alleged
–– Suggestion: don’t order the meatloaf.

‘Mystic Pizza’ cast reunion
–– Members of which now serve pizza full-time.

Official fired for piggyback ride
–– Pig files sodomy charges.

Dad says he is accused bully’s alibi
–– ‘Otherwise he said he’d beat me up.’

Abominable Snowman mystery solved
–– Bigfoot? Littledick.

Is hand sanitizer toxic?
–– If you lick it off George Michael’s hand.

Tuna Melt, Patty Melt and 5 Other Amazing Melts to make You a Lunchtime Star
–– 4. Face melt.

Your Liver May Be ‘Eating’ Your Brain
–– And Hannibal Lecter may be eating your liver.

Watch Channing Tatum Lose to a 2-Year-Old During a Game of Basketball!
–– And then slam dunk the little bugger!

Paul McCartney defends Miley
–– Pens ditty Dirty Miley May.

Restaurant enforces silent meals
–– Along with tonsures, Gregorian chants, and matins.

NBA star’s contract lost in bird attack
–– Larry steals deal.

Christie hits hard in final debate
–– At the buffet table.

Police: Arrest in LAX dry ice blasts
–– David Copperfield allegedly held.

Barrage of Testosterone Ads Troubles Doctors
–– Fear patients who will be too hard to handle.

Bear bile farming in Asia
–– Second only to snake sperm farming.

Two million Muslims stone devil in final hajj ritual
–– Because the Prophet sang, ‘Everybody must get stoned.’

Queen’s crumbling palaces need $80 million refit
–– Which doesn’t include royal facelift.

Forget Overpriced Takeout –– Make Your Own Ramen for Dinner!
–– Enjoy with your bathtub gin around your trash can fire!

Superman to Asterix: Comics tell immigrant story
–– Including the Green Horn, the Incredible Bohunk, Captain Amerasian, and the X-Pats.

The President Taft diet
–– Eat everything in your cabinet.

Sources: Bush artery was 95% blocked
–– Brain synapses 96% blocked.

China swaps pandas for uranium
–– When panda-on-a-treadmill power plant breaks down.

BlackBerry: We’re not dead yet
–– CEO texts from purgatory.

Apple hires Burberry CEO
–– Launches iPhone5Check Print.

L.A. bishop defends Benz, Bentley
–– Speaking from diocesan Maybach.

Nevada dumping mental patients?
–– In Arizona?

Pailin jumps into N.J. Senate race
–– Bounces off prone Christie.

Christian paper can’t use ‘Allah’
–– Unless the last name is Luia.

Diet powder has meth-like chemical
–– The pounds –– and neurotransmitters –– simply melt away.

Post Office to drop ‘unsafe’ stamps
–– Customers suffer seizures after licking self-adhesive stamps.

Rumor triggers pilgrim stampede
–– Claimed candied yams were running low.

Charlie Hunnam Drops Out of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Movie
–– With ten shades of his dignity still intact.

Miley Cyrus’ VMAs Bear Dancer: I Felt Degraded, “Terrible” About Myself
–– “I felt like Poo.”

Rallier: Obama, put Quran down
–– Vet: Put rallier down, with lethal injection.

Disney unveils ‘Avatar’ park concept
–– To provide side jobs for Blue Man Group.

Airline loses greyhound at airport
–– Bus wouldn’t have fit in overhead bin anyway.

Billionaire uses flip phone
–– To fire his teletext operator.

Ding dong, stinkbugs calling on warm, cozy homes
–– More welcome than Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Smelling Storms? Human Supersenses May Become a Reality
–– Or breaking wind, at least?

Walter White’s Breaking Bad Underwear Auctioned Off for $9,900
–– He made a meth in them.

1.2 Million American Non-Jews Feel ‘Jew-ish’
–– When dating, 2.2 Million Jewish men feel ‘Goy-ish.’

‘Zombie drug’ gives high, rots skin
–– Helps you play Satisfaction for the 10,000th time.

Blind man beaten in broad daylight
–– Sees stars.

Week of 10/11/13

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Former Hell's Angel Says NYC Biker Gang is "Ruining His Shit"
–– 'It's like bikers were known for Altamont and crazy bad dope and big-ass chicks, and now it's bitch bar pigs beating up some rice jockey? Fug!"

Curiosity rover takes photo of penny
One side depicts President Marvin.

Can Peanut Butter Sniff Out Early Signs of Alzheimer's
–– Can Mr. Peanut remember whatsitsname jelly?

Chemical weapons group wins Nobel
–– Thanks Bashar al-Assad for making the award possible.

Suspect named in beating of blind man
–– Sighted for violations.

Can a woman rape a man?
–– A strapping one.

Monstrous mushrooms discovered
–– In Chris Christie’s boxers.

FBI: Rabbis’ thugs forced divorces
–– And unwanted circumcisions.

Father of ‘Baby Hope’ identified
–– Bob!

Shocking discovery in teen’s body
–– Kale!

Police: 213 grenades buried in yard
–– American Digger’s Ric Savage ‘blown away.’

“Auto-erotic asphyxiation” cited as possible Ariel Castro death cause
–– Talk about choking the chicken.

Lost woman’s last message for kids
–– ‘Where am i?’

‘Deep rift’ cancels Jonas Brothers tour
–– Hell opens up and swallows them.

R.A. Dickey’s unlikely success story
–– Almost a screwball comedy.

Yellen: ‘Small lady with large IQ’
–– Check out the frontal lobes on her!

Isolated Hamas faces money crisis in Gaza Strip
–– Plans charity blast.

Dodo Tales: 17th-Century Observations Suggests Later Extinction Date
–– 21st-Century sightings in Washington, DC under investigation.

In Season: 6 Brussels Sprouts Recipes Everyone Will Like
–– 1. Faux sprouts made from bacon.

Cream Rises to the Top in the Airline Industry
–– Would you like coffee or tea with that?

Costco Stands Behind Its Cheap Rotisserie Chicken Strategy
–– Spits up.

5 Dog Breeds You Haven’t Heard of Yet
–– 3. Vietnamese Chowhound.

Banksy says his New York show is ‘pointless’
–– And thus the summation of his career.

Seal sits on shark’s nose
–– Heidi Klum’s ex living wild bachelor life.

Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner and Bruce Jenner separate
–– As single-celled organisms do.

Moto X is the best Android phone
–– Or the smartest dumbphone.

Ex-Gitmo detainees return to terror
–– Just happy to have a job.

School bans balls at recess. Really?
–– What else do little boys have to play with?

Lawmakers arrested at rally
–– Suspected of tampering in car crash.

Student catches on fire at school
–– Simply smokes PSATs.

Photographer must-have: A beard
–– Also a male movie star’s.

Marsupial species evolved “suicidal reproduction”
–– Like Mama June.

Hulk Hogan spoofs Miley Cyrus
–– Twerks all over The Rock.

Lucky bartender gets $17,500 tip
–– Lucky and willing to lace a martini with bath salts.

Casey Kasem’s kids: Dad ‘isolated’
–– Even ‘long distance dedications’ don’t reach him.

North Korea on high alert
–– Kim Jong-un misplaced his stash.

Scalia says Satan is ‘a real person’
–– And therefore has the same legal rights as a corporation.

Athletes choke on China’s smog
–– After trying to wash it down with green tea.

Are Parents Inherently Unethical People?
–– Are children conniving little bastards?

Official: Why SEALS pulled out
–– Cows seemed satisfied.

New $100 bill to debut Tuesday
–– Ben folds five.

5 flubs in Bill O’Reilly’s ‘Killing Jesus’
–– 5. Christ was not a registered Republican.

Blast Near Vaccination Site in Pakistan Kills 2
–– On the left arm.

Who is Al Libi? | What is Al-Shabaab?
My waiter and main course at Whatta Falafel?

Is it OK to put your kids online?
–– Not on eBay.

The most coveted snack in North Korea
–– Non-dirt.

5 Things You Didn’t Know About Red Lobster
–– 2. The poor crustacean is just embarrassed.

Protesters swim across Nile to escape
–– What a croc!

Airborne car just misses fans
–– George Jetson ticketed.

2,000 lashes for nude dancing
–– 100 lashes for batting your eyes.

Obama weighs in on Redskins name
–– Brave of him.

Experts: ‘Jack the Ripper’ is a myth
–– I knew he was a she.

Cop finds dog tied up, giving birth
–– To the idea that it was a slow news day.

Klitschko keeps heavyweight crown
–– In his klitschen.

Week of 10/04/13

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Obama hammers Boehner on shutdown, debt ceiling
–– Boehner forgets safeword.

Facebook building its own minitown for workers
–– Zuckerburgh.

Spears finds it tough to play 'sexy' now
–– And impossible to play 'sober'.

5 things to know to start your day
–– 5. Exit bed before morning pee.

Ronan Farrow Reportedly Considering On-Camera Role at MSNBC
–– In probing documentary Frank’s Woody?

A Cosmic ‘Tardis’: What the Universe Has In Common with ‘Doctor Who’
–– Retardis.

It looks like Pope Francis is serious about cleaning up the Catholic Church
–– Vatican’s entire MacCaulay Culkin video collection found in dumpster.

Here’s The Memo That Fox News Chief Roger Ailes Sent To Staff About His New Breaking News System Ahead Of Monday’s Launch
–– ‘It’s broken.’

A human brain was preserved for 4,000 years after being boiled in its own skull
–– The MSG didn’t hurt.

EXCLUSIVE: Sony Pictures Soon Latest Studio Closing Big Co-Financing Film Deal
–– Headline translated from native Japanese.

Kim Joong-un is Worth How Much?!
–– Two shits and a bowl of kimchee.

Jellyfish prompt nuclear shutdown
–– Ditto government shutdown.

Postal Service defaults on $5.6B bill.
–– Check lost in mail.

NASCAR driver fined for gay slur
–– By Officer Richard Simmons.

Roman skulls found deep under London
–– Mind the gap.

Carpenter shoots nail into his heart
–– Cheaper than surgery.

Iran leader, Twitter boss trade tweets
–– Rouhani: ‘No #usa really IS GREAT! #greatsatan!!’

Held in solitary 40 years, now free
–– Demands to see final episode of Bonanza.

Miley Cyrus: ‘Weed is the best drug’
–– A dope should know.

From rapper to Raptor, Drake takes on new role
–– Trapping mice in his talons.

My Dirty Little Sleep Secret
–– Soiled pajamas.

5 Worrisome Dog Breeds
–– 3. Doberman Mincer.

Barilla boss’ new anti-gay apology
–– ‘I never even gonna say pasta y fagioli again.’

5 waterspouts stun fisherman
–– They couldn't stop gushing.

USC Firing Lane Kiffin Produces Wonderful Quote from Snoop Lion’s Son
–– ‘Drop him like he’s hot.’

Judd Apatow, Albert Brooks, Eric McCormack Honored at Rape Foundation Brunch
–– Because ‘their fans understand how a victim feels.’

10 things Obamacare won’t tell you
–– 10. That it’s a law and can’t speak.

7 Absolutely FREE Things to Do in New York City
–– 6. Rat roping.

4 Things That Hurt More Than a Mammogram
–– 2. Pelvic exam by gorilla.

Anything for Love (Almost): 7 Things I’ll Never Do for My Wife
–– 4. Wear her IUD.

Titans’ Locker remains hospitalized
–– Doctors treating squeaky hinge.

Apple passes Coke as ’top brand’
–– And ‘more likely to keep the doctor away.’

DUI arrest for ex-Browns QB
–– City of Cleveland charged.

NSA Facebook mining includes you
–– Agency told, ‘mine your own business.’

10-year-old gives birthday $$ to dog
–– Dog gives kid fleas.

Pope sets canonization dates
–– With Joan of Arc and Francis of Assisi.

See giant duck invade river
–– See giant Ernie serenade it.

Chavez recording fake, Venezuela says
–– It was too short and made sense.

Saudi cleric: Driving may harm ovaries
–– Saudi women: Kneeing may harm testicles.

Bob Hope’s Toluca Lake Estate Officially Hits The Market For The First Time Ever, Asks $27.5 Million
–– Thanks for the amenities.

Cuba to let athletes go pro
–– Castro.

Drink Held Responsible for 4% of World Deaths
–– A dry strychnini.

Atheist: Politicians should court us
–– Poke us on ChristianMangle.com, take us to anti-church socials, double date with Satan.

Decorator blamed in building collapse
–– Over-sized granite wall sconces suspected.

Report: Shoe thrown at Iranian president
–– Mahmoud Ahmadinejad seen hopping away from scene.

NYC Opera needs $7 million by Monday
–– Or they shoot the fat lady.

Romney: My ‘largest strategic error’
–– Filing papers to run.

United pilot has in-flight heart attack
–– Had ordered fish.

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