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Week of 09/10/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Joe Biden as the statue Poseiden of Artemesium holding a vaccine syringe and wearing a face mask over his privates.Biden’s Vaccine Push Aligns Him With a Fed-Up, Vaccinated Majority
–– Mad at little pricks.

Monica Lewinsky 'proud' of TV series on Clinton scandal
–– What a surprising reaction from producer.

Biden orders tough new vaccination rules for federal workers
–– Who need to be threatened to perform civic duty.

‘Show some respect:' Biden blasts travelers who harass flight attendants over face masks
–– ‘You’ll never get a second bag of those salty nuts if you pull that malarkey. I love those nuts and those, what do they call those pretzely things? Spitzels? Spinzels? My dad used to think that was a breed of dog…’

Biden Doubled Mask Fines. What Does It Mean for Air Passengers?
–– Uh, they’ll pay twice as much if they don’t wear mask?

Man Arrested After Growling, Taking Mask Off and Screaming 'Joe Biden' on Flight
–– In drinking game where you take shot each time Fox News commentator says ‘freedom.’

Biden wants the sun to provide nearly half of the nation’s electricity by 2050
–– Moon the other 50%.

White House staffers mute or turn off the TV when Biden is speaking with reporters out of fear that he'll make a gaffe or veer off message, report says
–– Slip nots.

Abbott Signs Texas Election Law, Ending a Fierce Voting Rights Battle
–– Demonstrating he supports some forms of abortion.

Gov. Abbott said Texas will 'eliminate all rapists from the streets' so women don't have to worry about the new antiabortion law having no exception for rape
–– And keep them in bars, gyms, State Houses.

Bette Midler Pummeled by Conservatives for Proposing Women Refuse Sex to Protest Texas Abortion Law
–– Isn't that Abbott's other plan?

A Texas clinic worker says 70% of the women who called in for abortion care this week were turned down
–– Hey, the Texas Rangers wish they were batting 300!

Mexico Supreme Court rules criminalizing abortion is unconstitutional
–– Yeah, but they still let off criminals, drug dealers, rapists at border, right?

Samantha Bee Blasts Supreme Court for Allowing the Texas Abortion Ban
–– Can ya Bee-lieve it?

‘Very, very, very wrong’: Supreme Court justice Stephen Breyer speaks out on Texas abortion law
–– Breyer patch.

More Americans say 9/11 changed U.S. for worse than better, Post-ABC poll finds
–– So they’ve been sentient last 20 years?

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confessed to being the 9/11 mastermind. 20 years later he's still awaiting trial
–– The wheels of justice turn slowly… what? 20 effin' years?

Some of the most iconic 9/11 news coverage is lost. Blame Adobe Flash
–– Not much you can't blame on Flash.

Osama bin Laden called his mother to say he wouldn’t be able to get in touch
–– His mother: ‘Like it would kill Mr. Big Shot to call his mother.’

Taliban paints its flag on outside wall of what was US embassy in Kabul
–– Opens Target in Kabul where they can practice firing on heretics.

Lindsey Graham Predicts the US Military ‘Will be Going Back Into Afghanistan’
–– And he’s been right about everything else.

White House pulling nomination of ATF chief amid pushback over gun-control advocacy
–– Trigger warning for gun nuts.

As Donald Trump makes noise about 2024, Melania Trump tries to stay out of the public eye
–– That's not her running for California governor?

Trump loses weight post-presidency, ditches spray tan for Florida sun
–– Kept all ugly pounds.

Donald Trump, Son to Provide Commentary for Evander Holyfield-Vitor Belfort Fight
–– So-called Slice of Evan on 9/11.

Trump Gripes About Losing Ungrateful Catholic, Jewish Voters On Call With Religious Advisers
–– Protestants: 'Don't forget us –– we hate you, too!'

Some Trump Tower tenants didn't pay their rent, including the company behind Ivanka Trump's shoe line, report says
–– Dad took it out in trade.

Rep. Matt Gaetz says Trump will probably run for president because he 'wants to throw punches as a combatant, not a heckler from the stands'
–– Around time Gaetz should be receiving fists in prison.

‘Bring it’: Liz Cheney throws down gauntlet after Trump endorses primary challenger
–– Liz git it on!

Trump aides flock to Cheney challenger’s campaign
–– Like flies to shit.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis says 'speculation' about him running for president in 2024 is 'purely manufactured'
–– In Pensacola meth lab.

Alan Dershowitz declares the 'Larry Davids of the world' may 'cost the Democrats the next 2 elections'
–– Sounding like Mocha Joe on stupid pills.

Is buying a house in California, Colorado, American West a good idea?
–– Before market really heats up.

New York City was never built to withstand a deluge like the one Ida delivered. It showed.
–– Nor could’ve been minimally prepared for after Sandy?

RFK's widow says his assassin 'should not have the opportunity to terrorize again' in statement against parole
–– Anti-vaxxer Bobby Jr. apparently hopes he can.

Christian man who harassed bikini-clad teens axed from his job
–– Claims: " I was reciting the Song of Solomon, y'know 7:3 –– Thy two breasts [are] like two young roes [that are] twins.'

Angelina Jolie Turned Down ‘The Aviator’ Because of Harvey Weinstein: ‘I Warned People About Him’
–– Didn't get on board?

Paul Schrader Got ‘So Blatant’ in His Critiques of Tiffany Haddish, and She Loved It: ‘Yes, Give Me More’
–– He asked, 'Haddish nuff?'

Oprah Winfrey reveals Gayle King has been on every vacation with her and partner Stedman since divorce
–– O my.

The Entire Internet Is Defending Brendan Fraser, And We Love It
–– Like his Mummy.

Zendaya Looked Like She Was Dripping Wet on the Red Carpet in a Custom Balmain Gown
–– Um, was reporter tearing up?

Maggie Gyllenhaal says she knew she wanted to make her first movie after playing a porn director on HBO's 'The Deuce'
–– Has now dropped one.

Chrissy Teigen celebrates 50 days of sobriety
–– With speedball.

Christina Aguilera Is Out Here Recreating Her Album 'Stripped' with a Topless Pic
–– Like album pumped up, fake.

Lil Uzi Vert says fans ripped $24 million diamond out of his forehead
–– Nicknamed Carat Top.

Fox’s Michael Thorn on Relationship With Seth MacFarlane: ‘”Family Guy” Is Part of the Fox DNA’
–– Piss in gene pool.

'Am I crazy?': 'The Matrix Resurrections' trailer is here with a kung fu-tastic Keanu Reeves
–– More confused.

With ‘The Matrix Resurrections’ Trailer Released, Here’s A Reminder Of How ‘The Matrix’ Trilogy Ended
–– Have you got two hours?

Basquiat’s friends and collaborators say they are 'horrified' by Beyoncé and Jay-Z's Tiffany campaign with his art
–– Yeah, heroin addict was such a purist.

HBO’s Scenes From a Marriage Remake Is Trying to Break Your Heart, All Over Again
–– Instead deadens butt.

‘Scenes From a Marriage’ Showrunner Hagai Levi on the HBO Remake: ‘Ingmar Bergman’s Spirit Was Keeping an Eye on Me’
–– When they weren’t rolling.

‘Blade’ Director Bassam Tariq Teases MCU Vision: ‘We Can’t Deny What Wesley Snipes Did’
–– Does he work for IRS?

Shang-Chi, Marvel's 1st movie with an Asian lead, has a strong debut despite Delta concerns
–– Chinese flew.

Simu Liu Pens Heartfelt Letter on Shang-Chi Premiere Day: 'This Film Will Change the World'
–– Statement's a real LiuLiu.

Polish Doc ‘Escape to the Silver Globe’ Explores the Greatest Science Fiction Movie That Never Was
–– Like Jodorwsky's Dune, but only more pretentious?

‘Star Trek’ Creator Gene Roddenberry To Be Honored With “Boldly Go” Campaign
–– In tie-in with Kohler toilets.

Kristen Stewart Says Channeling Princess Diana Made Her Feel *Literally* Five Inches Taller
–– Giving wardrobe department fits.

Kate review: Netflix’s action-thriller is worth watching for one reason alone
–– You’ve broken back, lie immobile on couch in reach of clicker.

Lorde reveals she was on MDMA while making 'Melodrama,' and says each of her albums can be distinguished by drugs she was using at the time
–– With hit of ELORA.

Mindy Kaling Teases Jessica Chastain and Oscar Isaac: 'Why' Is He the 'Only Person Allowed to Kiss Your Inner Arm'
–– Chastain offers Kaling her sweaty pit.

‘The Office’ Star Brian Baumgartner Discusses Being Cameo’s Most Bankable Star
–– Kevin can't wait.

Bill Gates Splurges on Four Seasons in First Major Post-Divorce Investment
–– Can finally afford to include Autumn.

Alexander Skarsgard to Guest-Star in Lars Von Trier’s ‘The Kingdom Exodus’
–– As ‘Embarrassed Hunk on Left.’

AMC Theatres, in a shift, rolls out $25 million ad campaign starring Nicole Kidman
–– Now that she’s TV star.

Burger King copies McDonald's with celebrity meals
–– With tagline: ‘Barf like you’re famous!’

Elle King Shares Photo of Her "Angel" Mother Cooking Her Placenta After Baby Boy's Birth
–– Had asked for polenta, but still…

'Blues Clues' original host Steve Burns explains why he left the show
–– Blows clues.

‘King of Porn’ Sells $26.3 Million Beverly Hills Mansion to Vitamin Guru
–– Hollywood in a nutshell.

Has your child's identity been stolen? Here's how to tell — and what to do next
–– Do his clothes fit this kid you’ve never seen before and says is him?

Divorce Stinks, But It Could Be Your Superpower
–– Prenupgirl.

Vermeer’s 'hidden' Cupid is the enigmatic artist's latest mystery
–– Gotta love it.

Amateur Treasure Hunter Discovers Trove of Sixth-Century Gold Jewelry
–– Throws away because it 'isn't shiny.'

Researchers Identify Dinosaur Species 5 Times Larger Than the T-Rex: 'This Is Very Exciting'
–– T-ReXXX?

Ancient Predator With Massive Helmet-Like Shell Unearthed in Canada
–– Had Raptors logo on it.

Polished, 5,500-Year-Old Stone Balls Found in Neolithic Scottish Tomb
–– And they said Rory had ‘great brass ones.’

First Excavations at 2,300-Year-Old Bactria Kingdom Fortress Completed
–– Reaction infectious.

Thousands of Years of Inbreeding May Have Saved This Flightless Parrot From Extinction
–– But left it too dumb to even mimic parrot.

Bruce The Disabled Kea Has Learnt To Practice Self Care With Tools
–– Wings it.

The Earth May Not Be Flat But This Galaxy Sure Is
–– May not?

Washington state tracks down another Asian giant hornet nest, with plans to eradicate it soon
–– Send in swat team.

Hand-Carved, 400,000-Year-Old Bone Tool Used for Smoothing Leather Found in Italy
–– Beside over-priced dress pumps.

Dog filmed tripping after accidentally eating mushroom
–– Looked like meth lab.

Canada's Trudeau, trailing in polls, defends early election call
–– This Justin.

Hong Kong pet funerals aim to avoid landfill sites
–– And fast food chains.

Do Lox and Other Smoked Fish Increase Cancer Risk?
–– Bungle with schmear.

The fentanyl-laced cocaine that killed an LA comedian is showing up everywhere - here's why it's so deadly and how to avoid it
–– So a consumer guide for non-lethal coke?

A man was arrested on suspicion of stealing more than 700 pieces of women's underwear from coin laundromats
–– No panty waste.

South Carolina attorney pushed out of firm day before he was shot
–– Fired, a shot.

Royal Aides Are "Shocked by the Sheer Nerve" of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's Recent Offer to the Queen
–– Selling her their autographs.

World Happiness Report is out, with a surprising picture of global resilience
–– Ignorance, bliss way up.

Men are marched out of prison camps. Then corpses float down the river
–– Coincidence? You decide.

Ukraine spies tried to ensnare alleged Russian war criminals with a fake website, promises of riches and an international sting
–– And deadfall traps baited with Beluga caviar, vodka.

Kim Jong Un calls for ‘urgent action’ on climate change amid North Korean food shortage
–– Especially for microwave in palace kitchen which isn’t getting scarce Pop Tarts hot enough.

North Korea barred from participating in Beijing Winter Olympics
–– Were expected to medal in going downhill.

Olaf Scholz Is Running as the Next Angela Merkel, and It Seems to Be Working
–– Especially matchy-matchy pants suits.

Justin Trudeau pelted with gravel by protesters at campaign stop
–– Anti-vaxx judge pounds gravel.

Scott Morrison: Australia PM criticised for Father's Day trip amid lockdowns
–– Pop off.

Miles Teller refused a vaccine then tested positive for COVID-19 while filming 'The Godfather' TV series, report says
–– Bunk Teller.

Rolling Stones Tour Manager Mick Brigden Dies After Accident at Home While Digging Grave for Dog
–– Turned out to be for own bones.

The Wire star Michael K Williams found dead
–– Got disconnected.

Michael K. Williams Was Widely Expected to Win His First Emmy Even Before His Tragic Death
–– But this should, y'know, ice it.

Police looking for dealers following death of Michael K. Williams
–– Want ‘some of that shit.’

Jean-Paul Belmondo, the battered face of French New Wave cinema, dies aged 88
–– Breathless.

Michael Constantine, Dad in ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding,’ Dies at 94
–– Did doctors try Windex?

Art Metrano, Police Academy star and comedian, dies at 84
–– Da da da-da, da da da-da dead.