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Old War
Week of 06/18/21

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the film Grumpy Old Men with Vladimir Putin and Joe Biden as the crotchety oldsters.Putin praises summit result, calls Biden a tough negotiator
–– 'But ungrateful. Rejected gift of 'scented' underpants.'

Naomi Osaka and the Language of Fame
–– For Quitter followers.

Hillary Clinton says Biden must clean up 'disaster' Trump created by emboldening Putin
–– Should wipe floor with him.

The GOP’s gaslighting on Biden, Putin and Trump
Scott Disick of political parties.

Biden Opens Overseas Trip Declaring ‘United States Is Back’
–– Facing rear of stage.

Biden's spectacular breach of royal protocol didn't keep UK visit from success
–– Titty twist entirely uncalled for.

Mike Pence Heckled As A 'Traitor' On Stage At Conservative Summit
–– Which would make any normal human being proud.

Full list of Republicans demanding Joe Biden takes a cognitive test
–– Including misspellings of own names.

Manchin Offers A Voting Bill Compromise, But Key Republicans Swiftly Reject It
–– Barely worth a Manchin.

Targeting Biden, Catholic Bishops Advance Controversial Communion Plan
–– With wafer-thin logic.

Supreme Court dismisses challenge to Affordable Care Act leaving it in place
–– The plan that refuses to die, but can't afford life-support.

Senate Confirms Top Biden Judge as McConnell Threatens Future Nominees
–– Warns he’ll spit venom at them.

Declaration of Juneteenth holiday sparks scramble in states
–– To explain to 85% of population what it is.

Juneteenth Is a National Holiday Now. Can It Still Be Black?
–– From Damned if You Do… file.

What Does It Mean to Be Crowned ‘Miss Juneteenth’
–– You’re in beauty contest New York Times won’t sneer at.

Emory Apologizes to Medical School Applicant Rejected Because He Was Black
–– Self-administered culpascopy.

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema returns to Capitol Hill after breaking foot during marathon
–– Getting in or out of mouth?

Marjorie Taylor Greene looks to abolish ATF, decries “war on gun owners”
–– Someone should shoot her wad.

Georgia removes 100,000 names from voter registration rolls
–– Georgia impeach.

Trump's new chief spokeswoman, Liz Harrington, has been a serial promoter of election lies
–– He’s keeping ‘dumb blonde’ trope alive.

Congress Introduces a Bill That Would Ban Facial Recognition Indefinitely
–– Now nobody nose.

Dozens of Portland police officers resign from team that responds to protests after member is indicted
–– The thin-skinned blue line.

Former NYPD Cop Caught on Video Viciously Attacking Police With a Flagpole
–– Did he threaten to Louima them?

Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu blasts Biden on his way out of office
–– Double-barrel Bibis.

Rabbis call on Pelosi to reprimand Ilhan Omar for anti-Israel remarks
–– Ilhan, oh my.

Iran hard-liner Raisi to win at pivotal Middle East moment, poll shows
–– Raisi: a red flag.

Iran says nuclear talks closer to deal, Russia says much work remains
–– Who to believe in that lie-off?

Germany Recalls Platoon on NATO Mission Over Sexual Assault and Racism Claims
–– Suppresses urge to Sieg Heil!

Is Bill de Blasio Secretly Backing Eric Adams for Mayor?
–– Is Eric Adams openly praying it doesn’t come out?

How the Candidates for N.Y.C. Mayor Would Tackle Homelessness
–– With as many press conferences as humanly possible.

Chris Cuomo calls Fox News a 'disgrace' for not informing viewers that Tucker Carlson shouldn't be taken seriously
–– What’s word for viewers who do?

Utah school omits teen with Down’s syndrome from cheer team photo
–– Gimmee a B…Gimmee an O…Gimmee an O

California launches new anti-human trafficking teams
–– To investigate suspicious people movers.

Airlines, Banks And Other Companies Across The World Hit In The Latest Web Outage
–– Or industries where you’d never notice it.

How to Tell if The Way You and Your Partner Fight Is Actually Not OK
–– Read police report.

Violence in Texas, Georgia and Illinois bring number of US mass shootings to 267 so far this year
–– US Number 1 with bullet.

Gunman in Florida Publix Shooting Did Not Know Victims, Sheriff Says
–– He was privax person.

Spare ticket for spaceflight with Jeff Bezos auctioned for $28 million
–– Must sit on his lap.

Key Union Agrees to Health and Safety Rules for Broadway Tours
–– How many keys do theatre doors need?

Chris Hemsworth wishes Chris Evans a happy 40th birthday with photo of Chris Pratt
–– Christening.

The Friends Carpool Karaoke is even more mortifying than the reunion
–– You’re the one watching.

Whatever happened to Dane Cook?
–– Is question no one has asked in ten years.

Rita Moreno Says, “I’m Disappointed in Myself,” Following ‘In the Heights’ Colorism Defense
–– We’re disappointed living legend apologized to woke trolls.

Comedian Punkie Johnson Opens Up About Being the First Out Black Queer Woman on Saturday Night Live
–– Did she call Guinness Book of World Records before her mom?

Kevin Hart Fires Back at People Who Think He's 'Not Funny': the 'Hate Fuels Me to Do More'
–– Unfunny things.

Melissa Rivers Says Late Mom Joan Once Told Her to Dress 'Sluttier' - 'Enjoy it While You're Young'
–– Was she leery?

Scarlett Johansson criticises ‘hypersexualisation’ of Black Widow in Iron Man 2
–– Wanted her to eat mate?

Salma Hayek refused a stunt involving 'a really compromising position' on 'The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard'
–– Being in stale retread not undignified enough?

Salma Hayek Reveals Her Pet Owl Hacked Up a Hairball on Harry Styles' Head
–– And it did improve hairstyle.

John Legend says Chrissy Teigen doing 'great' amid cyberbullying scandal
–– Feel embarrassed if you give even half fuck.

Tori Spelling says she's co-sleeping with four of her children
–– They're co-nightmaring.

Kim Kardashian will continue to post suggestive photos after becoming a lawyer: ‘You can do it all’
–– ‘Like in Legally Blonde porn parodies!’

Alfre Woodard Shares the Key to Her 37-Year Marriage: 'We Speak the Same Language'
–– Me!

Zack Snyder Settles 'Batman Can't Go Down On al Kilmer settles the viral Batman-Catwoman debate with a single tweet' Debate With NSFW Tweet
–– Something wrong with pussy?

Val Kilmer settles the viral Batman-Catwoman debate with a single tweet
–– And remember Michael Douglas claimed his tongue cancer caused by oral sex.

Jennifer Lopez Saw Ben Affleck as "the One That Got Away" and Now They're "Inseparable"
–– Bennifer convertible.

All you need to know about the ending of "Elite" season 3
–– Is that it’s mercifully ending.

Dwayne Johnson Says He Might Lack 'the Patience' to 'Deal With the BS' of Politics
–– Politics may lack patience for narcissistic celebrities with zero qualifications.

James Corden Says He Has 'Burned Through' Roughly 75 Personal Trainers: 'I Don't Trust Them'
–– Must miss sight of sweaty whiner in unitard.

Not only the brave: why straight actors playing gay are no longer automatically acclaimed
–– Because casting now based on, um, choice, just not of SWM.

Late Bond girl Tanya Roberts leaves entire estate to common-law husband in handwritten will
–– Includes stocks and Bond?

RHOSLC's Jen Shah Claims She Couldn't Read Miranda Rights Before Arrest Due to 'Dry' Contact Lenses
–– And desiccated brain cells.

Woman in O'Leary's speedboat sounded 'pissed or bitchy' after fatal boat crash, court hears
–– Pretty harsh things to say about woman who murdered your friends.

Ageing process is unstoppable, finds unprecedented study
–– In old news.

Are Stasher bags worth it? Absolutely. Here’s why
–– Oh, they’re for food, not dope?

Signs of ‘Insect Apocalypse’ Could Be Linked to Particular Human-Made Structures
–– Like news rooms built entirely on click-bait.

The First 'Murder Hornet' Of 2021 Has Been Discovered In Washington State
–– So lonely was nearly ‘suicide hornet.’

People are mistaking helpful cicada killing-insects for murder hornets
–– Or over-hyped sparse one for virtually non-existent one.

These blind mice can ‘see’ with their ears, a first among rodents
–– In groups of three can regrow tails cut off by farmer’s wife.

Weird ‘living fossil’ fish lives 100 years, pregnant for 5
–– Which feels like 200.

These primitive, deep-sea fish live to 100, surprising scientists
–– Who don’t know many backward, ugly human centenarians.

23-Foot 'River Boss' Croc Fossil Found in Australia
–– With remains of Mick Dundee’s ancient ancestor in gut.

Did dinosaurs fart?
–– Or did our ancient ancestors blame own air biscuits on them?

Early amphibians’ move to land came with a spine switch-up
–– Claim our ancient chiropractic ancestors.

When tyrannosaurs dominated, medium-sized predators disappeared
–– Pure coincedence, Sherlock?

Rhinosaur! The 20-tonne giant that once roamed China
–– How can you name hypothetical beast that without imaginary horn?

AI-powered Mayflower, beset with glitch, returns to England
–– Pilgrim bot lost at sea.

Scientists identify ‘hugely exciting’ new drugs that could lead to cancer treatments
–– And which are currently ideal for before rave.

Scientists Are on the Cusp of Finally Deciphering the Entire Human Genome
–– Genome: 'I feel so…so naked.'

How our ancestors conquered the dark to produce the world's oldest art
–– Which is still better-lit than last season of Game of Thrones.

Headless Statue of Ancient Woman Discovered in Turkey's 'Mother Goddess City'
–– In topless bar.

These unappreciated animal dads make big sacrifices for their young
–– Let them control remote.

Roald Dahl's secret to a good children's book: Make sure it 'enthrals the child'
–– As though in the Chokey.

She Tried to Steal $15 Pants as a Teen. The Fines Devastated Her Family.
–– Pleat poverty.

An Olympic runner was banned after testing positive for a steroid. She believes it's a false positive from a pork burrito
–– Were also air quality concerns for downwind competitors.

Former Disney World worker reveals what happens when someone dies in the resort
–– For heirs can still be happiest place on earth.

Man Invests $20 in obscure cryptocurrency, becomes trillionaire overnight
–– That’s the way to quiet 2021’s Gold Rush.

To Keep Your Brain Young, Take Some Tips From Our Earliest Ancestors
–– Eat brains of children of foes you slay.

Human Composting, a New End-of-Life Choice, Turns Bodies Into Soil: 'Rejoin the Natural Cycle'
–– ‘Pushing up daisies' wasier than ever.

Pornhub sued for allegedly serving nonconsensual sex videos
–– Nicholas Kristof spending awful lot of time on Pornhub exposing, um, abuse.

See 1,098-carat diamond discovered in Botswana
–– Miner who tried smuggling it out expected to be able to sit again in 2022.

Drought, record heat in West bear climate change's fingerprints
–– Mostly middle finger.

A 95-year-old man just became the oldest organ donor in US history
–– While still alive!

One of the most studied plants in the world can grow an extra organ
–– And vegan monsters actually eat them?!

What factors put Philippine birds at risk of extinction?
–– 3. Bad attitudes.

Customer Fatally Shoots Cashier in Argument Over Mask at Georgia Supermarket
–– Who was that unmasked moron?

Covid-Sniffing Dogs Are Accurate but Face Hurdles for Widespread Use
–– Irresistible crotches.

Top Virologist in China, at Center of a Pandemic Storm, Speaks Out
–– With drizzle of BS.

Wolves chase performers in China during shocking live show, raising safety fears
–– We have Yen for that.

In poorest countries, surges worsen shortages of vaccines
–– From Duh file.

Palestinians Scrap Pfizer Vaccine Swap
–– Will continue to inoculate young people with pure hate.

I thought I knew my dad. The pandemic taught me I was wrong.
–– Maybe we’ll get reacquainted after he gets out of prison.

Ned Beatty, Actor Known for ‘Network’ and ‘Deliverance,’ Dies at 83
–– Squeal like pig in tribute.

Frank Bonner, who played Herb Tarlek on the TV sitcom 'WKRP in Cincinnati,' dies at age 79
–– Off the air.

Richard Baron, Who Published Baldwin and Mailer, Dies at 98
–– Baron waste.