FICTION

Kisser by Stuart Woods — Pecker.
The Swan Thieves by Elizabeth Kostova — Swan flew.
Noah's Compass by Ann Tyler — Arkward.
I, Alex Cross by James Patterson — I, Don Givadam.
I, Sniper by Stephen Hunter — It's sure shot.
Deeper Than the Dead by Tami Hoag — Intellectually.
Under the Dome by Stephen King — Dome and dumber.
The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown — Hack of a job, Brownie.
Heat Wave by Richard Castle — Castle rook.
Pursuit of Honor by Vince Flynn — Dis Honor.
To Try Men's Souls: A Novel of George Washington and the Fight for American Freedom by Newt Gingrich — The GW bitch.
The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks — The trill is gone.
South of Broad by Pat Conroy — Nut crackers.
The White Queen by Philippa Gregory — Pararegal.
That Old Cape Magic by Richard Russo — Cod piece.
Inherent Vice by Thomas Pynchon — Penny Pynchon.
The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson — Death match.
The Defector by Daniel Silva — The Defective.
Best Friends Forever by Jennifer Weiner — BFFuddlement.
Swimsuit by James Patterson — Bikini a-hole.
The Devil's Punchbowl by Greg Iles — And the turd lying in it.
The Help by Kathryn Stockett — Less.
Twenties Girl by Sophie Kinsella — Flappergasted.
Finger Lickin' Fifteen by Janet Evanovich — The KFC of novels.
Gone Tomorrow by Lee Child — Jeer today.
Seducing an Angel by Mary Balogh — Heav'nly petting.
Pygmy by Chuck Palahniuk — Teeny plopper.
Cemetery Dance by Douglas Preston — Corpse de ballet.
First Family by David Baldacci — Prez release.
Run For Your Life by James Patterson — He's written another one!
Heart and Soul by Maeve Binchy — Ticker shock.
Fool by Christopher Moore — King leer.
While My Sister Sleeps by Barbara Delinsky — She showed her the galleys.
The Women by T.C. Boyle — Lank Freud Wright.
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society by Mary Ann Shaffer — Spudders.
Dog on It: A Chet and Bernie Mystery by Spencer Quinn — Snoop, doggie dog.
Among the Mad by Jacqueline Winspear — Home on deranged.
True Colors by Kristin Hannah — Die job.
The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck — Itchy and scratchy.
Scarpetta by Patricia Cornwell — Expect far betta.
The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb — The second I didn't.
Cross Country by James Patterson — Crass Cross.
A Mercy by Toni Morrison — Shows none.
The Charlemagne Pursuit by Philippa Gregory — Holy Roman Empire!
The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks — Who read this first.
Heat Lightning by John Sanford — Doesn't crackle.
Tsar by Ted Bell — Even the terrible.
The Given Day by Dennis Lehane — Boston marathon.
Hot Mahogany by Stuart Woods — Woods chuck.
The Other Queen by Philippa Gregory — Rue Brittania.
One Fifth Avenue by Candace Bushnell — Four fifths agony.
The Book of Lies by Brad Meltzer — Tome of the whopper.
American Wife by Curtis Sittenfield — Sham Bush.
Dark Curse by Christine Feehan — Carpathian tunnel syndrome.
The Gypsy Morph by Terry Brooks — Morph-eaten.
Devil Bones by Kathy Reichs — Skull drudgery.
Tribute by Nora Roberts — Excruciating paean.
Rules of Deception by Christopher Reich — 1) Pretend you're Robert Ludlum.
Sail by James Patterson — Critical mast.
Fearless Fourteen by Janet Evanovich — Fearing fifteen.
The Host by Stephanie Meyer — With the least.
Rogue by Danielle Steel — Steel yourself.
The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski — Daft mute.
Chasing Harry Winston by Lauren Weisberger — The Devil wears nada.
Devil May Care by Sebastian Faulks — But I do not.
Swine Not? by Jimmy Buffett — Pig-headed.
Sunday at Tiffany's by James Patterson — Screwing with her head.
The Whole Truth by David Baldacci — Clunk and dagger.
Hold Tight by Harlan Coben — Not gripping.
Unaccustomed Earth by Jhumpa Lahiri — Bengali gee whillikers.
Where Are You Now? by Mary Higgins Clark — Asleep in a recliner with this book across my chest.
Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner — Princess yutz.
Quicksand by Iris Johansen — Sucks slowly.
Dead Heat by Joel C. Rosenberg — Nyuck and nyuck.
Bulls Island by Dorothea Benton Frank — Sodden comfort.
Christ the Lord: The Road to Cana by Anne Rice — Whine maker.
Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella — The name wrings a ball.
Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult — Aorta be a law!
A Prisoner of Birth by Jeffrey Archer — Kin Con.
Killer Heat by Linda Fairstein — Hazy, hot and stupid.
Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb — Given the cold shoulder.
Lush Life by Richard Price — Liquidation Price.
Plum Lucky by Janet Evanovich — Pudding green.
Sizzle and Burn by Jayne Ann Krentz — Like a wet firecracker.
The Senator's Wife by Sue Miller — The Capitol dame.
The Spare Wife by Alex Witchel — A flat.
Duma Key by Stephen King — Beach coma.
The Reserve by Russell Banks — Stock.
The Appeal by John Grisham — Is extremely limited.
People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks — Haggadah be kidding.
The Shooters by W.E.B. Griffin — W.E.B crawler.
T is for Trespass by Sue Grafton – Keep out.
World Without End by Ken Follett – Amend.
The Darkest Evening of the Year by Dean Koontz – Leash likely to succeed.
The Choice by Nicholas Sparks – Chews.
The Chase by Clive Cussler – A boring tail.
Exit Ghost by Philip Roth – A zucker, man.
Stone Cold by David Baldacci – Old spies.
Rhett Butler's People by Donald McCaig – Rhettched.
Book of the Dead by Patricia Cornwell – Crypt notes.
Protect and Defend by Vince Flynn – Frag-waver.
Playing for Pizza by John Grisham – Pie-eyed.
A Lick of Frost by Laurell K. Hamilton – But not of sense.
The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold – Half cheeky.
You've Been Warned by James Patterson – Don't make me write another one of these!
Everlasting by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss – It just feels that way.
Brother Odd by Dean Koontz – Hey, Abbot!
Wife for Hire by Janet Evanovich – Check mate.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling – Exspelled.
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini – Kabul sessions.
The Good Guy by Dean Koontz – Koontz skin crap.
Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey by Chuck Palahniuk – More like Upchuck.
The 6th Target by James Patterson – Bull, *sigh*.
Bad Luck and Trouble by Lee Child – Double down.
Pearl Harbor: A Novel of December 8th by Newt Gingrich – Hai of Newt.
Simple Genius by David Baldacci – Spyin'-less.
The Overlook by Michael Connelly – Anonymous Bosch.
Body Surfing by Anita Shreve – Boogie bored.
The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon – Oys in blue.
The Children of Hurin by J.R.R. Tolkein – Must be little pissers.
The Woods by Harlan Coben – Forest gump.
I Heard That Song Before by Mary Higgins Clark – Tune buggy.
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult – Gutting class.
Sleeping with Strangers by Eric Jerome Dickey – Just start reading this on a crowded train.
Step on A Crack by James Patterson – Backbreaking.
Plum Lovin' by Janet Evanovich – Plum silly.
The Castle in the Forest by Norman Mailer – A minor Führer.
Hide by Lisa Gardner – And don't seek.
Hannibal Rising by Thomas Harris – Foot-in-mouth disease.
Natural Born Charmer by Susan Elizabeth Phillips – Pass/fail.
You Suck: A Love Story by Christopher Moore – No, you!
H.R.H. by Danielle Steel – Her Royal Hokeyness.
Dear John by Nicholas Sparks – Beloved Crapper.
The Collectors by David Baldacci – Of dust.
Lisey's Story by Stephen King – Dead wringer.
Echo Park by Michael Connelly – Predicta...ble...ble...ble.
For One More Day by Mitch Albom – It's a wonderful lie.
The Road by Cormac McCarthy – Full of plotholes.
Thirteen Moons by Charles Frazier – Heap big yawn.
The Mission Song by John le Carré – Dum ba yah.
The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards – Forgettable.
Judge & Jury by James Patterson – Death sentences.
Angels Fall by Nora Roberts – As gripping as Fixodent.
At Risk by Patricia Cornwell – For blunt drama.
Two Little Girls in Blue by Mary Higgins Clark – Ransom jive by her.
Digging to America by Anne Tyler – With a teaspoon.
Terrorist by John Updike – An Improvised Explosive Dud.
Everyman by Philip Roth – Kvetch-22.
The Secret Supper by Javier Sierra – The Da Vinci mode.
The Last Templar by Raymond Khoury – Nighty, knight.
Memory in Death by JD Robb – In-death reporting.
S Is For Silence by Sue Grafton – And for Stop it, please, I'm begging you!
Cell: A Novel by Stephen King – A brains-free device.
The Cat Who Dropped a Bombshell by Lillian Jackson Braun – Stinking outside the box.
Mary, Mary by James Patterson – Quite unscary.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer – An account of the hoopla and ass-kissing engendered by his overrated debut novel Everything Is Illuminated.
At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks – His new 3-Hanky-Soaked-in-Chloroform romance.
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown – Brown's PIN.
The Broker by John Grisham – No deal.
A Time to Kill by John Grisham – Time.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by JK Rowling – Rowling's latest doorstop is only 652 pages thick and clearly inferior to her chunkier previous volume.

NON-FICTION

Son of Hamas by Mosab Hassan Yousef — And a bitch.
Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer — Veggie bugger.
Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime by John Heilemann & Mark Halperin — Poll dancers.
I Am Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne — Oooze and Ozz.
The Politician by Andrew Young — Candidate rape.
Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert — Wed willies.
Just Kids by Patti Smith — Punky booster.
The Checklist Manifesto by Atul Gawande — To-doo-doo.
Going Rogue by Sarah Palin — Rogue rage.
Open by Andre Agassi — Sore.
Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom — Belief encounter.
What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell — When he looked behind himself squatting.
Too Big to Fail by Andrew Ross Sorkin — Megacorpse.
Highest Duty: My Search for What Really Matters by Capt. Chesley B. Sullenberger — Sully pity.
The Murder of King Tut by James Patterson — Rut-tut-tut.
Arguing With Idiots by Glenn Beck — Or Talking to Myself.
True Compass by Edward M. Kennedy — Teddy bearings.
Culture of Corruption: Obama and His Team of Tax Cheats, Crooks, and Cronies by Michelle Malkin — Malkintent.
In the President's Secret Service by Ronald Kessler — Tail to the Chief.
Zeitoun by Dave Eggers — Flood plaint.
Born to Run by Christopher McDougall — Sprints racket.
Unmasked: The Final Years of Michael Jackson by Ian Halperin — Pop smear.
Catastrophe by Dick Morris — He got another book deal!
The Accidental Billionaires: The Founding of Facebook by Ben Mezrich — They couldn't know how many losers were online.
Mommywood by Tori Spelling — Candy caned.
The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite by David Kessler — Stuff and nonsense.
Resilience by Elizabeth Edwards — John pryin'.
Always Looking Up by Michael J. Fox — Because you're flat on your back.
My Remarkable Journey by Larry King — Requires suspenders of disbelief.
Losing Mum and Pup by Christopher Buckley — Should've kept mum.
Unfinished Business: What the Dead Can Teach Us About Life by James Van Praagh — Souls train.
Liberty and Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto by Mark R. Levin — Levin on the edge.
The Yankee Years by Joe Torre — Jiltin' Joe.
The Lost City of Z by David Grann — Catch some Zs.
Out of Captivity: Surviving 1,967 Days in the Colombian Jungle by Marc Gonsalves — Like I give a FARC.
Last Lion: The Fall and Rise of Ted Kennedy by Peter S. Canellos — Teddy bore.
The Gamble: General David Petraeus and the American Military Adventure in Iraq, 2006-2008 by Thomas E. Ricks — GI joke.
American Lion: Andrew Jackson in the White House by Jon Meacham — Old Dickery.
Too Fat to Fish by Artie Lang — Or to float.
Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher — Queen of cups.
No Limits by Michael Phelps — Or shirt.
Multiple Blessings: Surviving to Thriving with Twins and Sextuplets by Jon & Kate Gosselin — Brood awakening.
Annie Leibovitz at Work by Annie Liebovitz — Cold snaps.
Mrs. Astor Regrets by Meryl Gordon — That she's dead.
Why We Suck by Denis Leary — That's the royal We.
Don't Mind If I Do by George Hamilton — Tan lines.
American Prince by Tony Curtis — Tony coitus.
The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life by Alice Schroeder — Berkshire hath a way.
A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity by Bill O'Reilly — Which smells just like shit.
21 Nights by Prince — Purple drain.
Pieces of My Heart by Robert Wagner — Hart to hard-on.
Hot, Flat, and Crowded by Thomas L. Friedman — Like Paris Hilton's patootie.
Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World by Vicki Myron — That sinking feline.
The War Within by Bob Woodward — Kvetchin' Cabinet.
Boys Will Be Boys by Jeff Pearlman — Dull as Cowboys.
The Obama Nation: Leftist Politics and The Cult of Personality by Jerome R. Corsi — A Swift Boat to the gut.
The Case Against Barack Obama by David Freddoso — Prima fascist evidence.
Faith of My Fathers by John McCain — The patriot act.
Life With My Sister Madonna by Christopher Ciccone — Her brother's creeper.
The Post-American World by Fareed Zakaria — Afterberth.
The Prosecution of George W. Bush for Murder by Vincent Bugliosi — POTUS Operandi.
When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris — Singe City.
Fleeced by Dick Morris — Shear idiocy.
My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor — Cerebral.
Me of Little Faith by Lewis Black — High rant.
What Happened by Scott McClellan — So did shit.
Audition by Barbara Walters — Next!
Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler — Hooch coochie.
Escape by Caroline Jessop — I'm gone.
Armageddon in Retrospect by Kurt Vonnegut — Kilgore Trout variations.
The Revolution: A Manifesto by Ron Paul — More Gummo than Karl Marx.
Ladies of Liberty: The Women Who Shaped a Nation by Cokie Roberts — Notre dames.
Home: A Memoir of My Early Years by Julie Andrews — Poppins off.
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science & Sex by Mary Roach — Bunk mates.
Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Meth Addiction by David Sheff — Speed reading.
sTori Telling by Tori Spelling — wHori smelling.
Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time by Valerie Bertinelli — Diet of worms.
The Age of American Unreason by Susan Jacoby — Or: The Bush Years.
Reconciliation: Islam, Democracy, and the West by Benazir Bhutto — Awwkward!
Send Yourself Roses by Kathleen Turner — Four Roses.
Manic: A Memoir by Terri Cheney — Bipolar express.
Love and Consequences by Margaret B. Jones — But no truth.
Iceman: My Fighting Life by Chuck Liddell — Martial arse.
The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner — Churl's atlas.
Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography by Andrew Morton — Top gunk.
Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left, From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning by Jonah Goldberg — Sieg Hil.
Real Change: From the World That Fails to the World That Works by Newt Gingrich — A penny for his thoughts.
90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Death & Life by Don Piper — 208 minutes in Hell.
In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto by Michael Pollan — Trench mouth.
Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain by Oliver Sacks – Looney tunes.
An Inconvenient Book: Real Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems by Genn Beck – Hazardous emissions.
Boom!: Voices of the Sixties Personal Reflections on the '60s and Today by Tom Brokaw – The laidest generation.
The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court by Jeffrey Toobin – Robe-a-dope.
Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life by Steve Martin – Mild and lazy.
Rescuing Sprite: A Dog Lover's Story of Joy and Anguish by Mark Levin – A yapping bitch and his dog.
Good Dog. Stay. by Anna Quinlen – Curb appeal.
I Am America (And So Can You) by Stephen Colbert – Pundittohead.
Quiet Strength by Tony Dungy – Religious Colt.
The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx – Motley crude.
Slash by Slash – Slush.
Clapton: The Autobiography by Eric Clapton – Written slow hand.
My Grandfather's Son: A Memoir by Clarence Thomas – Scary decisis.
Lyrics by Sting – Oh, Po–lice!
Fair Game by Valerie Plame Wilson – On the outs.
The Diana Chronicles by Tina Brown – The Princess and the Pea Brain.
Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes by Thomas Cathcart – A real Schopenhowler.
Jesus of Nazareth by Pope Benedict XVI – Pope fiction.
Presidential Courage by Michael Beschloss – Inaugural balls.
God Is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens – Throws pious in your face.
The Assault on Reason by Al Gore – Path o' logical.
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable by Nassim Nicholas Taleb – Meet the flockers.
At the Center of the Storm: My Years at the CIA by George Tenet – Preaching to the coverted.
Einstein: His Life and Universe by Walter Isaacson – Fad Albert.
Where Have All the Leaders Gone? by Lee Iacocca – Chrysler crossfire.
How Doctors Think by Jerome Groopman – Whoa, I just asked and she took off her panties!
This Moment on Earth by John Kerry & Teresa Heinz Kerry – Playing ketchup on the environment.
The Secret by Rhonda Byrne – Psst off.
Marley & Me: Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog by John Grogan – Like a little gift left on your rug.
Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid by Jimmy Carter – Hamas appeal.
The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left and Its Responsibility for 9/11 by Dinesh D'Souza – Pin the blame on the donkey.
Pistol: The Life of Pete Maravich by Mark Kriegel – Misfire.
Culture Warrior by Bill O'Reilly – Onan the Barbarian.
The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream by Barack Obama – Poll vaulting.
The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins – Beyond belief.
I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence – by Amy Sedaris – Hostess ding-dong.
The Innocent Man by John Grisham – A guilty pain.
State of Denial by Bob Woodward – Stating the oblivious.
I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman by Nora Ephron – Crow's feat.
Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons by Tim Russert – Meet Depress.
Godless: The Church of Liberalism by Ann Coulter – Bitching for a fight.
The Right Words at the Right Time Volume 2 : Your Turn! by Marlo Thomas – Just two: Go away.
Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You To Know About by Kevin Trudeau – Because "they" don't hear the same voices in "their" heads.
Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent – Cock and bull.
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey – Soap Oprah.
The Ultimate Weight Solution by Phil McGraw – Beheading.
365: No Repeats by Rachael Ray – Except for the recipes with legumes.
100 People Who Are Screwing Up America: (and Al Franken Is #37) by Bernard Goldberg – #1-36: Bush, his Cabinet and 13 White House Staffers. #38-100: the first 63 imbeciles who voted for him.
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell – Blink? Your eyes will be welded shut.
The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the 21st Century by Thomas Friedman – Lacks depth.
The Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren – Poor piss-driven.
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom – The kitchen staff of Le Bernadin and Beyoncé.
My Life So Far by Jane Fonda – Borebarella.
Freakonomics by Steven Levitt – The sizzling hot side of the sexy science of e...co...nom...iczzzzzzz.